How to cope with your S.O wanting to have an open relationship?

Back story.. we been together for 10 yrs. have 4 kids together. And this is the 3rd time he wants an open relationship this one is different cuz its closer than the others (like she lives 10 mins away) shes married and have 2 girls that go to the same school as our kids and one is the same grade and same class as my last.

Its supposed to be for s… cuz apparently im not getting him 10 times a week. My question is to some one who been in this situation handal it. This been going on for 10 months and they say ‘love u’ to each other. We are roomates now. We talked about this. I made comments about this. But i think he miss his 20-30s cuz of me and the kids (now at 40 he wants to be a teenager. Parking in the woods and carries a tent.
I just dont think im alone. I just need some advice. Please be nice. I deal with enough BS and negative shut from myself.

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To be able to make a definitive response we need some more background detail. You said this is the 3rd time he’s wanted an open relationship, so have you two agreed in the past that you can sleep with other people? Like can you hit her husband up for a night if he’s hitting her up?

Does he want to be the only one sleeping around or does he care if you do as well?
Have you remained anonymous the entirety of your relationship? If so it sounds like he wants “permission” to cheat basically. However it sounds like he will do it even without your permission. If this isn’t something you agree upon together it sounds like he is just manipulating you.

I know exactly what you are going through.
I’ve been with my SO going on 8yrs now with 2 kids and we had this problem 3yrs ago. I was pregnant with our second and didn’t want sex, at all, but we had talked previously about having an open or poly relationship. Well, as expected, it backfired. He spent more time with the other woman than his family, and even vanished for a night (this was after I said I wasn’t comfortable with their relationship and demanded that it stop, it became an affair instead of an open relationship. Don’t let people fool you, there is a difference between the two). After he came back home, it all opened up that he had cheated for 18months by this point. Now I was irate, PPD had hit hard, and I was very negative about myself, so I gave him the option. Help fix us or leave.
He stayed and we’ve been working on us as a couple ever since. I’ll admit not everyone can do it, it’s a struggle earning trust back and being ok with not questioning their every move. But if both parties are committed then it can work.
I know in your post you said you know about the other woman and have been relatively kept in the loop about what’s going on, but you need boundaries. If you aren’t comfortable with the “love you” between them then make it clear its uncomfortable for you and a compromise needs to be made. If you are wanting to keep the relationship open then start looking into Poly relationship books/articles, inform yourself on what’s toxic/over controlling and what’s not so you can ALL come to some agreements and boundaries. This includes the other woman, if she can’t respect boundaries then someone needs to leave, PERIOD.
Believe me it’s not easy, but if you want your relationship with your SO to continue without resentment, anger, negative self-image, etc then boundaries need to be made.
I hope this can help you figure out what is best for your relationship. Good luck and big hugs, you got this.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to cope with your S.O wanting to have an open relationship?

If you don’t want it don’t do it

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I mean it basically already sounds like an open relationship if they have been seeing each other for 10months and say I love you. I’d leave personally. I could never do an open relationship. To each their own but personally I couldn’t. The fact your even questioning it on fb, makes me think you don’t want it either. But by the sounds of it, he doesn’t care :woman_shrugging:

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Leave. Don’t cope. Leave. Love should not be shared in a marriage, so if it’s “just” a sig other fir now, before you get in too deep even more, leave to protect your heart and so you don’t regret this one day.

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Never settle if your not okay let him know if he can’t respect it then it’s time to move on

No ma’am, no ham. Find someone else love!

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Why even stay 10 months of enabling is more then enough reason.

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Wth?! Throw that whole damn man in the trash and get the hell outta there!

I would be gone …let her have him

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Open marriages mean both parties are on board. It doesn’t sound like you are and are only going along with it because he wants you to. Ask him how we would feel if you chose to be in another relationship.

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Kick his ass out. You deserve to be treated better than that. Up you’re standards and kick him out!

What do you mean you are room mates now??? Are you referring to you SO? or the other woman?

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He’s seeing other people and you don’t agree with it. He’s cheating.
I’m in an open marriage and it works, because we both agreed and set rules. You did neither.

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I’m all for open relationships but there has to be boundaries and the fact that she lives with you guys and this has been going on for 10 months is kind of weird.

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Oh hell no leave his sorry ass

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Kick her and him out don’t be s doormat

That only works if both parties agree to it 100%. Dont do it and if he keeps pushing it he probably is already doing it but justed your ok.

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If you don’t want to, then he should respect that and say no. Else give him what he wants, turn him loose and find someone else.

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If you didn’t want to have the open relationship then this shouldn’t even be happening. Respect yourself enough to not allow your husband to disrespect you and your marriage. If u agreed to an open relationship then that’s fine. But even if I were okay with an open relationship I wouldn’t be okay with it being someone that has kids at my kids school

Your showing your kids your a weak woman. If you don’t like it dont allow it. That simple.

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This is a one sided open marriage and that’s not how that works. The only way it will not become oppressive and demeaning to one of you is if you are both 100% on board. At this point it is making you uncomfortable and you do not feel like it’s working for you. He’s the only one benefiting. Ask him to stop if he doesn’t then walk away. You don’t need the mental and emotional stress. If he feels he “missed out” then he can try the single life without dragging you along and making you suffer.

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going through the same thing mine has a female lady that is “supposedly supposed to be his best friend” but I see where she sent him telling him she misses his snuggles and kisses, that she wants to be with him teh rest of her life and that he promised her he would never leave her.but what gets me is he is telling me he is not going no where and that he loves me and they are only friends. but they text all day and all night if something happens to him or his phone he has got to immediately get in contact with her someo how and let her know why he is not coming over or calleing her or texting her.

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If it makes you uncomfortable then it is against your inner truth. Listen to your gut!

If you don’t want to be in a poly relationship then do what you need to do.

Oh hell no. That man is straight up cheating on you at least emotionally. If you arent okay with it being open then looks like yall are single. Get out now and let them be together

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If hes not giving you the attention and love you need, or your not okay with his actions. :sparkles:dump his ass​:sparkles:

I’d leave. Self-respect and self-worth is far more important. And what is that teaching kids? It’s mental damage to them, I don’t care what anyone says. Maybe you should find a dude for "open relationship " and leave your man all together to his new friend. Run.

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This isnt an open relationship, this is your husband openly cheating on you :woozy_face: d!ck is low value and abundant, find someone who will treat you with respect.

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See a lawyer. He’s probably only staying with you cause he doesn’t want to pay alimony or child support. Just back his bags leave them outside the front door for him to come home to.

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Ive been married for 14 years if my husband did this I would’ve been gone yesterday.

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My advice leave him asap i went through affair after affair and after 26 years i left him looks like he wants his cake and eat it sorry but run!!!

This is not an open relationship this is him flat out cheating on you already for 20 months. I’m sorry , personally I’d call quits and get out. Or you’ll be the second woman from here on out

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Oh hun. Open relationships only work when BOTH parties or ALL parties actually, agree and are happy. First and foremost is the respect for one another. Then trust. He has totally disrespected you if he didn’t really listen to your feelings about this. I’m really not judging or trying to be hard but you deserve so much better. Let him go. It doesn’t appear you are happy or him. He already had a tent so it should serve him well.

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See ya buddy. Don’t let the door hit you on the ass. First things first, get an attorney to square things up with the kids, etc. Get it all tied up legally.

Girl please just leave! You gave this man your life, and now it’s time to find a man that makes YOU his life. They’re are men waiting for a women like you!

That’s not an open relationship, that’s cheating. Sorry, but I would kick him to the curb.

Sounds like cheating to me if you aren’t in another relationship. Personally I would leave

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You never should have agreed to it if it’s not what you wanted. Tell him you are not okay with it and that he needs to make a choice.

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I wouldn’t accept this. You deserve someone who loves only you and your kids deserve that too.

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I’d say goodbye to both of them. You’re clearly hurting and this isn’t something you wanted and as your husband and random lady they should respect that decision by you. However you said you all live together now so I think it’s time they leave or time you and your kids do. Is this the environment you want your children to grow up in? Are they seeing there daddy be with another woman while their mother cries all in the same house? Not a childhood I would want for my children. Also, not a relationship I would want my daughter in as an adult.

I say all this becuse even in your biggest doubts you are strong enough. I never thought I was, I left a 17year relationship with my 3 girls and we are a year out and our lives have never been better

Fuck him. Fuck her. Just do you and your babies

By your post you’re not in an open marriage. Your husband is cheating on you. Leave.

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I agree with everyone on this, know you’re worth. He is taking advantage of you and obviously doesn’t respect you as a woman. You are strong, you are worth it, love yourself first and walk away.

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I’d tell him to go F### himself

Know your worth because he obviously doesn’t she would be welcome to him x

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Only thing I can say is embrace the honesty at least . N do what’s best for you!

I say get a boy toy and see how he reacts.

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He’s openly cheating. This is not an open relationship. This is him avoiding child support and court.

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You are worthy and deserving of the kind of love that makes you feel safe and happy. You’re asking for help and that’s the first step.

Girl. You need to have some self respect and pride and run don’t walk away from this pos
Look at yourself in the mirror and know you deserve better.

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Ummmm if you don’t have an open relationship already then he’s cheating and if both people aren’t 100% on board it will not work

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Dump. The. Whole. Damn. MAn. “Open relationship “ only works of both agree- and most of the time even if they do, it doesn’t work.

If you never agreed to an open relationship then he is cheating. Leave.

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If he’s so persistent he may cheat

that’s not really an open relationship he’s asking for a pass for her. if they’re saying I love you to each other it sounds likes emotional cheating. let him go sis give him the freedom he wants.

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Find the hottest man you can find, pay him if you have to! Make your S.O so jealous and then ditch him - you are worth way more, way way more. No person should ever be treated like that. AND while I’m at it, love yourself a little bit harder, because you deserve it too! xx big hugs

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It sounds like he’s cheating on you and he’s just letting you know therefore his conscience is clean. As far as I know, open marriages go both ways. And supposedly there are no feels for the other person. Maybe dress up and say you are “going out” and see what he says. I’m sure he’s super content going and getting his while you are home watching the kids. It sounds like he doesn’t care that he’s not taking care of your needs if you are basically roommates. Also, it was his decision to “miss his 20’s” or his 20’s weren’t the stereotypical hoeing around. If he wants to hoe around now, let him go. Find a man that doesn’t want to share if you aren’t into it.

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Well tell him you’re finding someone to fill the void that he isn’t and see if that openness stays open? I mean what’s good for the goose is good for the gander right? If he doesn’t care maybe it’s time to cut the rope. If he does then give him an ultimatum. Maybe you can have those adventurous sexual escapades with him.

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This would be a deal breaker (for Me). I would turn him loose. He’s giving you a heads up so pay attention. He’s probably already “out there” but wants to have his cake and eat it too. I would start making sure the finances are squared away. Open an account and start moving things around. There’s a chance he could just walk out and you need to make sure you and the kids will be okay. I would see a lawyer and file for legal separation. This will ensure that DH can’t open any new lines of credit that you would also be responsible for. It will also make him responsible for financially supporting you and the kids until there’s a divorce settlement. Sorry I know you’re looking for Ladies who have been through this, but this would be intolerable to me. Be Married or Be Single that’s my motto, good luck :four_leaf_clover:

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When is it going to be enough. Your not happy and he’s being selfish and disrespectful. He can’t have best of both worlds . Smh stay strong

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Wow why in the world would you have an open relationship!?2whilst being married? He is going to lust after that woman and eventually could very well love her cause of all the sex their having and he falls in love with the sexual desire she’s freely giving him. SMH

He does what you allow. Stop allowing it

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I was very firm with my husband before we got married and even started dating. I don’t share. Won’t share and if he finds himself wanting to be with another female than to leave me first cause I will not deal with it.

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So theyre already fucking around? Nah, I’m not down for that, he can go :rofl: I’m too valuable to allow a man to treat me like second fiddle 🤷🏻

Do u want an open relationship? If not then it’s not really an open relationship more luke polygamy or him being a jerk.

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It doesn’t sound like you are in agreement with having an open relationship and it only works if u are both on board with it, which is sounds like you are definitely not and that your feelings are hurt. Rightfully so. What he is doing is disrespectful and cheating. He can’t just decide that he wants an open relationship and carry it out all on his own, that’s not a relationship at all. Sounds like he doesn’t care weather you are on board with this or not and is going to do whatever he wants to do regardless of your feelings. I would end this relationship or file for divorce if you’re married. You deserve so much better!

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First off he’d cheating with a married woman. Does her husband know? Kick him to the curb!

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Sweetheart please don’t stay with this man, unless you are BOTH wanting this that’s fine to each his own. But 1 sided ain’t right at all, tell him to pack up his stuff and pitch a tent! INDEFINITELY! him and his side piece can roast HIS marshmallows together and live in HARMONY! Until he gets another VICTIM

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Men want an open relationship until the woman does too so my advice is you can either A. Leave him. B. Find someone way hotter than him and open yourself up and show him how it feels. Either way, he’s gone learn a hard lesson :roll_eyes:

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Heck no. Say goodbye

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I can relate to this, my boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 4 years and have a almost 3 year old daughter, hes 33 and I’m 26 and sometimes I feel like he can’t let go of his past single life. He constantly brings up wanting to have 3 sums or go to the swingers club together.
But I have told him I’m not comfortable with this. I use to let it bother me, and I expressed to him cause I would think that I’m not good enough, or that after I had our daughter obviously my body is not as small as it use to be. He would tell me this wasn’t the case he just gets bored easy but wouldn’t do anything if it went losing me. And he would always ask what my reasoning behind it was. So after much thinking I just started telling him I would rather have an open relationship, and he wasn’t fond of that because it wouldn’t be something we were doing together. But I just kept telling him that was my stance on it, and finally he dropped it because he started thinking oh she could meet someone and leave me type deal.

I know he loves me and sex and love are different but to me it’s not when you are in a serious relationship.

So just hang in there, and do what you think is best for y’all. But definitely set boundaries for each other and communication is key.

If its not something YOU want dont go along with it for the sake of your marriage. If hes really not happy with what you two have maybe he needs to face reality and be honset with you. I see this too often that the chick in the relationship just goes along it with for their so and it never works out.

My petty level is extreme. I would find myself a hot ass dude. And do me. I wouldn’t deal with that b.s he is putting you through. You deserve better … sorry you’re even having to feel this pain…

He’s playing you why would you want that no

If you’re not ok with it then he is cheating. If you are ok with it but are just having a hard time coping with it I suggest joining the Facebook group Relationships Outside the Box: Polyamory, Kink, and Open Relationships

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Never let anyone pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. Tell him if he wants this kind of relationship, you get to pick a man for a session of sharing. It’s only fair

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Didn’t you lose your 20s too? So unfair to you. He sounds very selfish.

You are wort so much more then this . Walk away with your head high and find someone who only loves you .

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Just leave, bc if this isn’t something you both really want, it’s not going to work out at all. & when it ends badly the kids will all be affected by the drama of the fallout.

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If this isn’t what you want don’t betray your own boundaries just to be with someone. It’s better to be alone than in a relationship that makes you feel alone :white_heart: I’m NEVER on this page telling ppl to leave, because most of the time things can be worked through. But to me, I don’t feel like you feel respected, valued or loved. Those are basic needs. You’re worth more than this.

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Marriage sounds dead tbh

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Start dating and going out. If you are really in an open relationship you are free! Leave him with the kiddos, start focusing on yourself! You will find out quickly whether he really wants open or is just okay with it being him. Your relationship should be number one regardless. So start focusing on yourself and see where it takes you. You may be allowing this because you think nobody else will want you, you can’t support yourself, the kids deserve parents who are together. Do you think they aren’t going to notice dad doing this stuff? You are showing your daughters this is acceptable from a man and also showing any sons that this is okay to do to a woman!

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DIVORCE!

You deserve love & happiness. More importantly you deserve commitment and RESPECT!

That comes from first loving & respecting yourself enough to walk away from this situation where you are not being valued and respected.

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dump him - cheating is cheating no matter how you label it

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You deserve better, talk to the other husband does he know? It’s odd.

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personally Its not for me I couldn’t do it.

Don’t Cope Just Leave

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Sis if you aren’t happy and it’s not what YOU want the you shouldn’t have to deal with that. you are WORTHY of a good, faithful man. You are WORTHY of feeling loved and maybe if he wasn’t messing around and helping you be a parent or being treated well, you would feel more in the mood and want to have s… your kids need a happy mama!!! Would you want your sons/daughters in your situation with a future partner? What’s right isn’t always easy. I’ll pray for you and your situation bc I know that’s not an easy decision to make. But girl trust your gut and life is too short to be unhappy!! :two_hearts::two_hearts:

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Why would you have the person be your roommate? That sounds like drama and it’ll affect the kids… not healthy at all. Put the kids and yourself first.

So I honestly only needed to read the first sentence to know that my answer was going to be I would open the door to him being with whomever he wanted because I’d leave. I know I’m worth monogamy and won’t tolerate anything less.

But, I kept reading… and my answer didn’t change. Mama, this man let go of your relationship years ago. You just haven’t wanted to see it. Think about the environment you are bringing your kids up in. Is this what you want them to think a healthy relationship looks like? He loves her? Let him be with her. Without you. You are worth it too.

Split, your kids don’t need to see that shit first hand. Especially with you all acting like that’s a normal way to live… it’s not.

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Send that motherfu€ker packing. He’s tryna have it all plus a snack, and that just does not work. At least not in my book. That’s disrespectful as shit. I haven’t read ur book so i don’t know what ur willing to put up with. But seems to me like u want no part in it either sooo he can go ahead and leave. He didn’t miss out cuz of you and the kids. Y’all made the kids together did you not? That was a team effort. Do not blame yourself for that he knew what the fuck he was doing. That being said, be brave and fight for you, not him. He can go with his “open relationship”.

Open relationship work but only if BOTH are ok with it. But you are not ok with it and don’t want an open relationship so that is 100% cheating. Leave!

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If he’s doing this without you being 100% on board with it, he’s cheating.
Just do you. And move on.

So I read this to my mum and she said, “See that big knife in the kitchen…”

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This is not an open relationship. This is cheating.
In open relationships there’s communication on both sides and boundaries in place and both people have to respect that. He is definitely not respecting you at all.

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If you arent open to that lifestyle then you shouldnt tolerate it. He wants his cake and the pie it looks like, cheating without having to call it cheating. In a open relation ship that means you should be able to see other people as well. Would he be so open to that thought of an open relation ship then? The way you are describing this situation makes it seemed like youre not ok with it, so why are you doing it?

Well it sounds like he already has an open relationship on his end so I would leave. Unless that’s something you want to deal with for the rest of your relationship but it doesn’t sound like you’re happy so I would leave.

This is me, being nice…he’s an IDIOT! You deserve much much better.