Could you make an anonymous post asking about how to fix complacency in a marriage? We have been together 3 1/2 years, married 1 1/2 years and have a 15 month old . My sex drive is pretty much non existent when it comes towards him. Half the time I just want to take care of it myself . He thinks I’m just ready to go and yes I’ve expressed about that but at the sreame time even the thought of sex I just don’t want. My sex drive before my daughter was pretty high. My husband is complacent and I feel like a lot of stems from that . There is so much, he doesn’t take care of himself grooming wise, it’s like pulling teeth to get him to get a hair cut or look nice. He has shirts from 5-8 years ago he still wears and doesn’t ever get nice stuff. He doesn’t plan date nights, surprise date nights, nothing.
Have u told him what u want as far as date nights and other things…My husband and me have been together 21 years but I had to tell him date nights and holidays are important to me and to him they are not but he makes and effort once I told him…
If yal can’t get through this at this early part of the relationship you need to just separate. This is nothing you shouldn’t be able to resolve. If was married for 38 years before my husband passed away. If you’re not seeing yourself will this guy for the long haul just separate don’t waste yours or him time, your will face worse than this as years go by. Many he’s not your soul mate.
Lol
First tell him to get to know Mrs Palmer and her five daughter’s
Next buy a vibrator for yourself
Who cares if he is wearing clothes that are five yrs old
Show me one guy or gal who doesn’t wear old clothes
Or cut his hair
As for his personal hygiene
That’s not your problem
As for
Date night
Plan a special night with a nice candlight dinner at home followed by some movies
Date night doesn’t have to mean going out for dinner
So you’re complaining he needs a haircut and updated clothes? Do you take perfect care of yourself? Guys aren’t necessarily the best at planning dates, ect. But seriously if after that short amount of time you let this bother you, maybe though aren’t meant to be together.
In my personal opinion, I feel that your not in love with him and your nit picking bc of it. Your comfortable. You need to have an adult conversation and maybe plan something to try to find the spark again. If not then move on. He probably feels the same.
Marriage is A LOT of compromise, choosing your battles, etc. separation should be the last choice, after all other avenues have been exhausted. Marriage isn’t always snuggles and date nights. No marriage is perfect, there will be disagreements, and arguments. You need to ask yourself if you love this man and are willing to have hard conversations and work through whatever issues you have. Good luck. 
Take control, tell him you want a date night once a week to spice up your relationship & that you guys need to work on rekindling the flame.
For you guys to pull bait and switch on each other at a young age is not good news for your relationship unless you guys wanna get a couple decade head start on menopause and retirement get out the rockin chairs and Metamucil
We been married 39 years never had what y’all call date nights we ate out 2 times a month with our son now kids are gone just us we still don’t have what this date night is we are just happy to still have our life together I thank God everyday for him so if your are already seems not happy maybe u need to talk or move out good luck 
When I met my husband, he was 29 and I was 19. He was wearing older looking shirts. The man hasn’t bought a stitch of clothing or a pair of shoes himself (aside from his yearly work boots) in 20 years. I’ve updated his wardrobe at least 5 times and he doesn’t notice, he just wears what he has available. Most men don’t think like is women, and it’s something you just have to get used to.
Did you talk to HIM About it before coming to the internet?
Why can’t you plan anything? Why is it all on him? Also people are allowed to exist as they please. If he wants to wear shirts from years ago, let him. I don’t understand why all of the negative was put on him. Take some initiative.
I hear you girl. Complacency sucks and it sounds like you’re not turned on by him because of his habits. There are things my guy does that makes me not attracted. But mine only lasts for a couple days. And we’ve been together 6 years. So if you’re not attracted for more than a couple weeks at a time, try everything you can until you’ve ran out of options
I think she’s saying he doesn’t get hair cuts and wear a nice shirt because we do that to try to get attention from our partner. I know I do. So it makes her feel like he doesn’t care to do that anymore that’s what hurts.
this is exactly why people need to stop getting married so quickly and having children before they actually know the person they are with 
either talk to him about your issues with him, or lay in the bed you made
Geez, try 30 years. Go see a doctor. Buy him some clothes and take him to a hair stylist. Plan dates yourself.
Idk why everyone is trying to make you feel like shit. This kind of thing happens. Especially when you have kids. Are either one of you dealing with mental health issues? That can play a role. Tell him what you just told us, but also listen to him. When someone repeatedly turns you down when you try to initiate intimacy, it hurts. You feel unloved, unwanted, and unattractive. First you need to ask yourself, do you really love this man. If the answer is yes maybe try to spice some things up so you WANT to be intimate with him. Sexy outfits, rose petals, toys, etc. And try therapy. If you feel like you’re just with him because you have a kid together and you’re comfortable, leave. I’ve been there, you’re not alone. 
You’re expecting too much out of a reality that isn’t “that”.
He sounds depressed. And do you keep yourself always looking nice? What if hes not happy with how you care for yourself? What if the tables were turned? Men have feelings, needs, and wants too. They matter too. Maybe talk with him and see whats going on in his world. How often do you ask him how he is feeling? How his day went? Do you ever plan dates? Or do you just expect him to know and do everything for you?
If your unhappy and he’s not budging. LEAVE. Simple. It sucks but you will be unhappy and your kid will read that. You’ll also teach her to stay in an unhappy marriage as well.
He sounds like a normal guy. A lot of men just aren’t into clothes. Buy him a few new shirts… plan a date night with him. If he refuses them you know it’s actually a problem
You seem to have forgotten what attracted you to him in the first place.
If he doesn’t shower everyday I wouldn’t go near him either 
Couples therapy. Your relationship needs a tune up. Divorce rates spike after the first child is born, because all the focus shifts to the baby. It sounds like the issue is deeper than your sex life and that the complacency you mentioned might be a symptom rather than the cause.
For the sex part, I found that if I start feeling like our sex life is lacking/nonexistent, I go to him. Even if I don’t necessarily want to, I will come on to him. Within mins I usually get into it and start enjoying myself! After that one time, I usually find myself initiating it more. Then, he’ll be coming on to me and telling me I’m pretty 
It works 
Grooming wise- buy him some nice new cologne and when he wears it, don’t shut up about how great it smells on him. Tell him how handsome he is and offer to cut his hair for him. Mention how well groomed gential areas get lots of attention. Casually leave hygiene products in his bathroom. Get him to do at home facials with you. Buy him a couple nice shirts and be sure to tell him how hot 
he is in it.
I think sometimes we have to teach people how to treat us. By supporting him to be his best self, you’ll know it’s a good match if he starts supporting and encouraging you💜 #Team
Other times we need to be straight told what our partner wants. The key is if they care/invested enough to take that and grow:blue_heart:
Good luck girl! You’re not alone cause I been there!! It does get better!
A lot of people give men a bad rep about wanting sex all the time and stuff like that and it’s true we do want it all the time. Buttttttt there is much more to a relationship than sex and taking care of yourself. He sounds depressed and probably feels “unwanted“ and that sucks for anyone just talk to him and expalon that you want to rejuvenate your relationship because you do love him and you want to make it work
He sounds like an average guy. My husband and I have been together for 15 years (married 10) and neither one of us buys new clothes for ourselves. If I see something he would like I buy it for him, or show it to him. Same with haircuts, I got one a couple months ago after 4 years without one and he gets one when he feels like it. We don’t see those things as super important, if my shirts don’t have stains and holes I’m fine.
divorce. if i wasn’t happy sexually i would divorce. but that’s just me.
Men generally aren’t wired like women. My husband wears clothes cause he has too, doesn’t care what they are asking as they are comfy. He doesn’t look in the mirror to know or care he needs a hair cut. I buy him clothes when I don’t want to look at what he’s wearing anymore, I cut his hair when It’s bothering me. I plan dates when I want to go out. Sex a bit boring? I do something to spice it up.Of course it bothers me sometimes but I knew what he was when I married him, kind, funny, hard working, the list is a mile long but he isn’t perfect. It’s not all on him.
Keeping his clothes is not a bad thing. I have shirts from 20 years ago. And is the haircut for you? I mean, people try different things, and the need to impress is unnecessary. As long as he’s taking care of himself, he’s good. Why would he have to plan dates? You said your drive is gone so it’s not like he’s going to jump to planning to go out with a baby and such. You arrange something, buy him a nice shirt, and take him out. Guys don’t have to do everything, and it’s very possible he feels unwanted by you after baby.
Depression big time
Dude
As for clothes 5-8years old don’t diss
I’m a single mum (no child support) either
I wear clothes from when I was 16 year old to give my kids new clothes
It’s hard to coz in his mind he probably thinks he doing good to make sure Bub got everything it needs
Hug cry talk ect it’ll work out
Geez I have clothes from 15+years ago still in my cupboards.
But you need to sit down and talk to him but also listen to what he says he might not know how you feel or what you want and vice versa
You need to communicate with him. If it’s a struggle for you both to communicate listen then it’s time to get into therapy to learn some tools. I’m not going to bash him for years old shirts. I have those. If the only issue is she then who cares. Maybe those are his comfy clothes. And if he doesn’t want a haircut that his choice. Have you asked him why he wears those clothes or why he doesn’t want a haircut? Is it possible you are not listening to him about his choices? Also have you two sat down and discussed date nights? Do you guys have the time, the money, childcare. Are dates important to just you or the both of you? Have you talked about a compromise? Also why is it his responsibility to plan those? Is it that you want him to make the effort in the relationship and you feel planning a date night would fulfill that for you or are there other ways that need could be fulfilled. Also I want to pin t out the relationships do take work. One person doing the work will not make a happy successful partnership. Your sex drive is something you can discuss with your doctor if your concerned. But it’s normal for sex drives to fluctuate throughout life. Again it’s something to discuss with your partner if you want to see something different in your sex life.
Buy him new clothes and tell him you think “this will look really great on you”. Plan the date nights for him…just say “honey I planned us a date night for Friday night so don’t make any plans”
I mean, honestly, he just sounds like he’s comfortable with you. He should be able to be himself without feeling like your judging him.
Also, have you had YOUR hormones checked? Could be a thyroid issue or something else going on. I mean, clearly at one point you were attracted to youe husband. Was he the same then as he is now?
Buy him new shirts online. Book his hair cuts in with a nice barber. Plan the dates yourself. Just tell him date and time.
Change begins with you.
When he puts the shirt on fawn all over him. Positive feedback encourages change. My husband responds well to praise. He likes to “feel pretty” lol.
I do all my husbands clothing shopping online. Its much easier. Otherwise he would live in rags or a fluffy dressing gown or wrapped in a blanket pulled off the bed and then just randomly left in the house somewhere for me to put back.
He needs to divorce you lol
In 3 1/2 years you knew what you were getting, little late for all the complaints now
Does he shower and brush his teeth? Talk to him trt couple counseling. Idk my ex husband wouldn’t brush his teeth his mouth was so bad I wouldn’t even go near him buy time he took care of it and got all his teeth out. I had already filed my divorce. We had other issues though. I dated another guy same way wouldn’t take care of his mouth always had thrush it was gross and he would go 2 to 3 days with out showers. I told he was gross and don’t touch me until he cleaned up. He’s an ex now but again my reasons however it does break you down and shut you down. Hygiene is very important but if it’s just his hair it shouldn’t be a big deal. Buy him new tee shirt of u want but most men just don’t care how they look.
so you really want a man or your man to look a certain way, Is he still the same person you supposedly fell in love with? Is he good to you? Does he work hard to provide for you & your daughter? Or has he turned into a lazy ass & does nothing? No matter what he looks like deep down he still is the same person, I am sure you still are the thin, gorgeous woman he fell in love with too, perfect in every way, always dressed up, hair in perfect place.!!! And I hate to say I still have T shirts that are old & I love it, But be grateful he loves you & is there.
Go and see dr get hormone levels tested or could be a number of reasons your sex drive has dipped. You too can plan surprise date nights or discuss it and take it in turns. It sounds like yiur in a rut and both need to talk and put the efforts in.
I get needing him to dedicate more time to “getting you ready,” which is important. However, the rest sounds shallow. Unless he isn’t showering or brushing his teeth, missed haircuts is not a big deal. You say he doesn’t take care of himself but mention he wears clothes from 7-8 years ago? Have you bought him new clothes? If he’s anything like my husband, he refuses to buy himself anything new. Every time we attempt to shop for him, he ends up buying me new clothes instead, despite my protests. He provides our family first and then rarely cares to buy for himself. So maybe try buying your husband things you would like for him to wear. Also, why is he the only one expected to put in effort? I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and there is little I dislike about him. Maybe stop looking at the “bad” things and remind yourself of all the good things. Eventually, you’ll forget the bad. All the little things that used to drive me crazy about my husband are now things that make me love him more. Good luck, but it sounds like you’re displeased by some very unimportant issues.
You need to sit down and talk to him. Also I’m in the same boat where after kids the sex drive went down. Definitely get your hormones checked.
As far as grooming and the clothes definitely talk to him about that because you want to make sure that his hygiene is good but I think most people have clothes from years ago. Maybe go out and buy him a couple of things that you think he would look good in and when you hate give it to him just like I like the way this looks on you. I say this because my husband is a bigger guy and I’ve bought him multiple things that he would never personally wear and I would be like hey babe can you wear this because I think it looks good on you. Once he started getting compliments those are his favorite shirts now.
Depression. And guilt. I have the same issues. I feel guilty getting myself new clothes, haircuts, or nails done. It makes me feel guilty cause what if we may need that money for something unexpected or the kids have to have something for school that gets sprung on us last minute? I myself have very little sex drive after 4 kids. Is he working long hours? Is he making sure you and baby are provided for? Make sure that he knows he’s loved and appreciated I promise it will go a long way. What was his childhood like? Did he do without? All of these are things to consider when you take a step back and look at things from the outside of the situation. Have an open and honest conversation with him ask those kind of questions there is a root to these things and sometimes it takes some digging to get to it.
Maybe look into getting hormones checked. Also…Amazon has pills called FemStim Max that do great for that. I had that problem after my first,took those pills when my husband wanted action,and within 20 minutes i was begging for it. Lol. They also sell a gel can put on your c*it that makes you revved up. As for him not cutting his hair or buying new clothes…Ive had to take my husband for haircuts and buy his clothes as he makes no effort either. I also have the issue of him not brushing his teeth as often as I’d like. I just tell him no kissing unless the teeth get brushed. Brush mine every morning…he can do the same. You will probably have to set up date nights as well. Men just dont think about these things. Once married,then they feel like everything is locked in so dates and romance and stuff go out the window bc dont have to try to catch you anymore. Go fancy yourself up ,buy him some clothes,take him to a barber,and set up a date night. Y’all connecting again like did when dating will help re establish feelings and your bond. Having a kid can make you neglect your partner. Need one on one time every now and then.
Lol maybe it’s just me but sounds like a typical guy. Mine works on construction sites so always comes home dirty with new stains or holes in his clothes. He won’t buy himself new anything so I do the shopping. As far as your sex drive I would go get checked.
Have you considered there could be a medical reason that you have no sex drive. If I were you I would see a OBGYN. unless you have a sex drive just not toward your husband. If that’s the case, you are the one in the wrong. The things you are upset about are fixable.
This is normal marriage stuff. You need date nights I think would help bring back some feeling of you and him and not just mom and dad
It honestly sounds like he is comfortable with you. Maybe buy him some new clothes. Take the initiative and plan date nights and surprises.
I would also look into getting your hormones checked for any imbalances
Seems like you’re not attracted to him at the moment. Communication is key
My husband could come home dirty from work, unshaved and he still look’s delicious to me even after 11 year’s.
I’m currently a stay at home mom so my daily outfits consist of leggings and a tshirt but we are still attracted to each other.
Having kid’s makes thing’s a little harder but not impossible, we have 3 kids 10, 8 and 2 and we MAKE time for each other
It should be a mutual thing, all of it… sex included.
Maybe try planning the date nights yourself here and there
Guys are different… they could wear the same thing for years and see nothing wrong with it… I take my man shopping WITH me so he can get him new stuff or I’ll get stuff for him because he has clothes from 2-3 years ago that he still wears. That kinda stuff is petty in my opinion. Now the date nights are important… maybe y’all can plan a date night every Friday or when you are able to get a baby sitter… we don’t go on MANY dates but we do try to fit them in our schedule.
I will ask this is the nicest way possible. What do you think marriage at 10 or 20 years looks like? It looks like comfort, like home, and like work. What you are feeling comes and goes in cycles, we called it “for better or worse” on our wedding day. It’s called work on your marriage with your partner.
Wow the amount of shame for just wanting to feel loved and valued is insane, are you people really down to be miserable and just go about life with no magic anymore? Just because she doesn’t wanna have sex doesn’t mean she deserves to not be wooed or loved, did anyone stop to think that maybe if she felt like she was wanted she might wanna f*ck some more? Hope you all never get laid again, you shady ladies.
You’re with the wrong man for you… He’s the right man for someone… Just not you… Idc whatv decade my husbands clothes came from, idc what he’s wearing idc about his hair… None of that…I married him bc I think he’s the greatest man on the planet…bc he shows me how much he loves and cares for me, bc he’s an amazing dad, bc he does his very best to provide for us, bc he’s funny and charming and bc he thinks I hung the moon… I married him for what he does to my soul,bc he made my heart feel like it had never been broken, bc he never lets me forget that there is nothing or noone that means more to him than me… Idc about his clothes… Everytime I see him I want to touch him, I want to kiss him and cuddle with him on the couch, I wanna touch his butt while he’s cooking… I want to be intimate with my husband bc I love him and everything about him turns me on… Sure sometimes your not in the mood with stress or not feeling well but that’s marriage… the fact that your so turned off by him and bothered by such rediculous little things says alot… Why do you think he wants to plan a date night for you… I can see from here that your not that into him and he probably can too… He probably thinks what’s the point in taking her out… She’s going to be embarrassed by me and she kinda can’t stand me so …
In my experience if you have verbally told your SO things that are bothering you and nothing changes he either doesn’t care enough about the relationship to fix it. Or if there’s other things that he does that makes you think he does care encourage him to take care of him mental
And what are the things you are doing… what date nights have you planned, etc?
My husband wore work clothes EVERYWHERE!!! He doesn’t know what nice clothes are even to this day lol he just knows if they are in the closet he can wear them when he’s home. And his work clothes are separated. He only buys work boots since I’m clueless when it comes
To that. I pick out everything else for him. When it comes to date nights we do date lunches when I’m off and kids are at daycare we spend his hour lunch eating together nothing fancy but it gives us time together. See what works for you. Maybe just doing an hour lunch.
If my husband would rather masturbate than be intimate with me I’d flip the hell out. If you love him youd start trying to fix the relationship. Sounds like you’re the bigger problem here.
Maybe you can initiate some special date night & such. See how that goes.?
Flip the script: Buy him a grooming kit, book a hair cut for him at a Male Barber shop and take him to it, buy him a couple new shirts and some jeans that you think he’d look good in and whip up a hell of a romantic dinner date (even if it’s at home because 15 month old) set the table with a linen cloth (if you can set up a table outside even better but just utilize your space) plates, glasses, make a good meal that you don’t make often, dress super sexy and then afterwards go where the night takes you after all is said and done, don’t ask just tell him, You have next week’s date night.
I thort this stuff for 10 years both made a thousand mistakes because of not talking about it:woman_facepalming: but it’s never to late to talk to him it’s never to late to give love up. Ì had to remember he wasn’t a mind reader and I fell in love with him well her wore thoes old shirts get back to basic lovely I bet thoes old ass shirts to him have memories of you guys falling in love Goodluck 
There needs to be an increase in passion and romance. Also, you must label the assistance you need when it comes with household tasks, and parenting. More than likely you are burned out and does not feel prioritized. You must also schedule alone time for yourself, and prioritize your self care. You can’t be present for your husband when you’re not present for yourself.
Do YOU plan anything? Why the hell is it always on the man? Quit being a whiney ass and take control! And as far as his wardrobe, get outta here! Seriously! I DON’T dress up! Jeans and t-shirts. My man is the same way! Does he always cut his hair when I think he should? Or shave when I think he should? Hell no! I’m sure you don’t do everything he thinks you should, when he thinks you should. You chose to marry this man. But now just find things to bitch about. Work on it WITH him, not AGAINST him.
You have to sit him down and talk to him about this. If you still love each other, you have to start dating each other again. You have to start trying to impress each other again. Tell him everything you are feeling.
It’s hard to feel attracted to a man who acts like a child. If you wouldn’t date someone who does those things, don’t expect yourself to want to act like a wife to someone who is like that either Why do we
Expect ourselves to put up with that??
Sounds like it’s time for you to mend a trip to see ur doctor. Get ur hormones checked also seek a therapist.
self care girl,spark romance, get a sitter, encourage his pursuit. this is ppd i had it i felt this i relate to all of it. i buy clothes for my guy.
Sounds exactly like my marriage was. We were together for 8 years. He ended up cheating which resulted in us sperating. Therapy would benefit both of you.
Buy him some new underwear book him a haircut, look after him he’s your I do with my fiancé they need confidence too xx
I had been having some of these same thoughts after being married 7 years but I’ve decided that I was just craving intimacy…Being intimate doesn’t have to mean sex… Holding hands, a kiss or a hug, just feeling at peace with your partner will often cause everything else to happen organically. Just try and communicate your issues and let him know what you want/like and need… If he doesn’t try and make you happy then I would start to worry… Don’t give up