How to get kids to listen?

I need help from anyone who has daughters! I have an almost 11 year old and an 8 year old and I am literally at the end of my rope. As I write this, I am crying my eyes out. The 11 year old doesn’t listen to ANYTHING she is told. When she’s talked to, it’s like she has her head in the clouds and just doesn’t register anything you’re saying. She is constantly going into my room and taking whatever she wants and using whatever she wants around the house. She has been talked to about this so many times. I have taken her things away every time she does it and it’s like she just doesn’t care. The 8 year old isn’t bad alone but when she is with the 11 year old, all they do is fight and tattle. I mean they’re literally all about getting each other or their brothers into trouble by tattling on every little thing. I am almost 6 moths pregnant and I just can’t take it anymore. I am stressed beyond stressed and I’m just at a loss. Any advice would be great! Thanks.

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Welcome to a preteens life and someone on their way there. My son and daughter are the same ages. Same deal

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My friend took her child’s door off of her room, took all of her clothes away and made her wear a uniform to school until her attitude changed. It changed quick, no preteen wants to wear a uniform to school. :joy:

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My 14 year old and 8 year old do this all the time. Nothing has worked. My 14 year old takes things and sneaks them to school with out us knowing tell the school calls and she got in trouble. I have tried grounding taking everything away including her up coming 8th grade field trip but i still get attitude daily and things happening

First off they need some type of discipline. Yeah spankings work but you can also make them write sentences, do book reports & workout. It seems like u need to be more firm with them and create more structure. Stop reacting to everything they tattle about. Unless something big happens don’t respond, hitting each other is not something big unless the other is hurt. If they are too rowdy make a household quite time where they can only read books. No TV no music no anything other than reading. You have to show them you’re the boss not their friend. It will just get worse as they get older. You have to mean what u say and say what u mean. When u do punishment don’t give in and let them off early or give them treats they need to remember what they did so they won’t do it again. And if all else fails a flip flop on the behind always works

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I am raising 3 grandchildren 13, 11 and 6 and it is exactly the same thing going on. It’s natural but damn is it hard to handle sometimes. You need to get out of the house and take some time for yourself. May make things a little easier to tolerate.

Try “evening primrose” for your 11 year old, it’s over the counter at chemist or coles and it’s for stabilising hormones, my girl was the same and this helps her sooo much? It’s ok hun, u can get threw this, send them to bed, like I mean u put ur foot down and u give them a piece of ur mind, ur pregnant and u need to rest. Turn lights off, take electronics away and demand and stay firm with them hun, u r in control and they need to understand this will no longer go on. Xxxxxxx

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Take everything away just bed and dresser in the room they have to earn things back!

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I have a ten year old that has tried to runaway. Making him run around the high school track solved that issue. In your case go in her room and take her stuff. Take her food when she sits down to eat( I have done this. They always had to get up and make more but it was the point of taking everything you want from them.) when she throws a fit tell her I stole from you like you steal from me. Just start yelling non stop when asked why you are doing this say because you are trying to quiet the voices that want me to beat you both senseless. This might not work for older kids but my 10 year old and 6 year old get handcuffed together for the day when they fight.

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Put that kid in therapy.

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Hormones are hell!!! I have 2 preteen girls and 3 under 2…sometimes my 11 year old is harder than all 3 babies combined.

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I just asked my daughter what it was I did that made her stop being that way lol. She is almost 13 now. She said tell all her friends and family what shes doing and being disrespectful and have everyone crack down sounds like she has a safety for those behaviors my daughter’s was my parents until I had told them everything and they took control at their home I had her aunt take her and lecture her told her the things she would get as she got older as a teen and that she wouldn’t get if she continued to be disrespectful and crossing every boundary. I’m not gonna lie I did whoop her for her actions in the midst of this I only hope it isnt as escalated as my daughter was keep your head high you’re the momma remember the food chain and the cold hard reality does work when she wants to ignore you. Ignore her when she wants something look in the clouds act like you don’t care it will take time but it will get better prayers momma I’m only a message away if you need to talk or would even like my daughter to talk to her she is very good at that now

sounds like the 11 year old needs a whooping I wasnt tought by things getting taken away I got my butt whooped if I did something wrong young girls tend to push you to see how far you will go I know from myself my mom tried easy punishments it never worked and when she gets older she will understand why you had to do what you did she is 11 so that’s her thinking she can do everything on her own have her start with chores maybe that will help her appreciate what you do for them at the end of the month reward them for doing all the chores things that straightend me out as a kid was this also I worked for an alouence teaching to save to get what they want or need

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As sassy as she may be; show her Lil but that you are MORE of anything she has to throw at you. My almost 18 yo and 11 yo KNOW when I get past frustrated and back to calm RBF, and my voice isn’t loud, but firm… yeah, they realize *Oh snap, time to pump the breaks and disappear

Parenting doesn’t start when the child starts acting out. Parenting starts the minute you have a baby. Teaching right from wrong and showing what’s acceptable and what isn’t, from the child moves in its own directions. No means no as soon as you have to say it once. If you wait till doing wrong is a habit for your child, you have all but lost the battle. Now you are in a hole with no ladder. Your job will be a fight to the end and as a parent, it’s your job to do battle.

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Sounds like 11yo is on her way to independent teenager. They change so much at preteen stages. Hit her where it hurts- take away what she really wants/likes. For mine its the Wi-Fi. … And daily whether in trouble or not, my kids earn the use of it by doing a list of chores. Kids needs this structure, know they live in your house and they are part of your tribe therefore they do their part. Doing the chores just makes it that much easier to get bavk whatever it is you took. Plus her behavior adds to that.
Unless theyre hurting eachother- teach them tattling on eachother for the sake of getting into trouble you wont respond to. They csn start to learn to fix their issues amongst themselves- or whatever it is they are fighting over gets taken and make clear you took their choice away when they could’ve chose to keep it had they worked it out. If it’s a fight not over any object, then dont amuse it or get upset… Just give them one if 2 options- tell em you 2 can sit dwn in different rooms/spaces, or sit together in a ilove my sibling shirt❤ … These things wrk well. I have a 15 and 10 yo.
Giving the “between 2 choices” and nothing else- gets them realizing you mean business and your not paying mind to the tattling.
And of course always encouraging them to come tell you when something bad happens on the outside of the 2 of them with another.
Girls are emotional messes at these ages and hard! You got this.

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Where is dad? Tell him to help control your daughter.

Puberty? For the 11 year old

Put a paddle on their butts they will start listening… it don’t hurt to paddle them on the butt not a thing wrong with it as long as it’s on the butt a Sheriff deputy told me that’s what he uses a paddle on their butt try it out it might work it don’t have to be a big paddle… now my sister n law used to use a wooden spoon on her kids hands she would grab their hand bend it downward facing her and paddle that hand a couple times like 5 to 10 times then they started listening and it worked for her

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I may be old school but it sounds like your 11 year old needs a good ol fashioned whooping. Follow it up with good vs bad consequences and have her carry out a chore or whatever as a result of the bad consequence. My dad used to make me weed the fence… on 11 acres…

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Ok I was grown up with ass whippings, I turned out successful, educated. now my 2 children if they get like that , I give them 2x of me telling to stop. but once I hit that 3rd it’s fair game. I don’t beat my children but they do get spanked from time to time and seems to work fairly well. They listen , I also see their minds turning when they are doing something they shouldn’t be . He will look over at me I’ll raise an eyebrow and he will walk away. Like ok I shouldn’t do that . Kids so smart and with her coming into the teen years . Nip it in the butt.

Ok do not allow them to steal your joy. I agree with Tiffany Copeland

Get the fucking belt! Get their attention! Whip the shit out of them and let them know, you mean business. These kids need real discipline! Be the parent!

I suggest some family counseling. And absolutely REAL consequences.My sisters acted the ways you describe and turned into absolute asshole adults.

My daughter has the same issues with the fighting between her 9 year old and 7 year old daughters
It is unbearable sometimes
But alone they are angels

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Same mine is almost a teenager thou & omg i cant handle her mouth, & she gets whatever sge wants of mine after ige told her stop taking my stuff! I kno what u mean idk what 2 do either i feel hopeless n helpless

Hello, single mom of 4 here and 3 are girls. I feel your despair and frustration. My oldest was the same way. You’re dealing with hormones, hormones, hormones. She probably doesn’t even know why she acts the way she does. I had to explain to mine what they were going through, including mood swings and possible depression when they had finally got their periods. I only knew bc I also suffered from mood swings and depression during hormone inflcuations. Try spending one on one time with her. Talk to her about it. Let her know that her sister looks up to her and that you need her help. Give her responsibilities if she doesn’t have any. Reward her good behavior and hang less on the bad but still punish her when needed. Talk about the baby coming. Maybe she’s jealous. Can’t assume her feelings. Have to ask her. Try that first. I also put a lock on my bedroom door. Best thing I’ve ever done, lol. I still have some terribly rough days with my 2 15 yr olds , 17 yr old and even my 20 yr old. None of us have all the answers but hang in there and it will get better.

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I was like that as a teenager lol. I had 4 stepsiblings and my dad and step mom made us sit through a 2 hour family meeting explaining everything we were doing that was getting on their last damn nerve. Wed behave for about a week before wed have to have another one lmfao

Whip their asses!!!

My daughter is 7 gonna be eight this june trust me if i dint like any of her act i will just give her a look and she will understand that she did something wrong she cnt even dare to say no even if am not around and someone says to her ur mom asked u to do this or this way… My Fear is in her eyes that i have to do as my mom says

Try to slap where its needed u shouldve done this before dont give ur children too much liberty… in our country there is no such thing like independent teens… even if they are above 20 they will have to follow their parents they have to respect them… leaving parents or not listening to them is never an option for them

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I’m not saying this to be mean or rude, but as seen above in a comment, try a counselor! My oldest will be 10 in June, she has adhd, anxiety and depression already. :sob: breaks my heart she has to deal with these issues already! (I’m not saying your daughter has the same issues!! ) She acted a lot like your daughter and we have seen a BIG difference in her since she started talking to her counselor! I think they are a lot of help because the children will talk to them about a lot more stuff than they will a parent sometimes!

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You need to stay strong! I have 3 girls. 15, 11 & 6. It doesn’t get easier for awhile… Teen years suck! It feels like the battle is never ending. U just need to make rules stick to them & maybe some counseling or talking to the Dr. 1 of mine has a bad anxiety disorder & manifests as anger. The middle one has ADD & anxiety. Initially, I just thought they were being assholes. Meds have made things better but you will still have the normal behaviors of growing up & hormones.

Line them all up and tell them to be quiet shut their mouths they are gonna listen to what you gotta say and they WILL start to respect you or your gonna strip them of every privilege they have. Get real serious tell them you’re 6 months Prego and you’re not messing around you have had enough and things are going to change and it’s starts now. Then lay down the LAW if they can’t respect you take their stuff away even if they end up having nothing but a bed to lay on and chores to do.

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My mom would have slapped me right in the mouth. She would have jerked me up by the hair of the head. And flat out kicked me in the ass. Then she woulda put a rag in my hand and some cleaner and made me scrub the walls and floor. Trust me… after that… she gonna respect you… you should only have to kick her ass once… you have to get your control back. She doesn’t respect you or fear the consequences of what you’re going to do for disrespect. Trust me. My mom only kicked my ass once… but it was enough.

Me!! Mine fought, it was hell till the youngest was about 14 the oldest about 16-17, i wish i had some good advice for you, my oldest started cutting, my husband worked overseas! I thought i’d hang myself! Seriously. Now the youngest is 28 and the oldest is 31, they each have 2 children and they are the best of friends. Hold on, this will pass, i know exactly how you feel! Before all my drama, we were military and it is hard. Try to find some kind of outlet for them and you, preferably with kids their ages. I truly feel your uncertainties right now. I have been there and it SUCKS!! Big time.

My step mom and dad took everything from my step sister and I we were beyond bratz. We had to pitch a tent in the backyard and we couldn’t do anything but sit there and learn to survive with one another and do homework.

Pretty brilliant and it worked instead of hating each other we hated them together :rofl:

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Omg u literally just described my 11 and 9yr old, :confused:

She needs a trip to the wood house!

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Alot of times when kids act out they are seeking attention they are missing. They act out that a kid, but her not minding you is an issue for me, I think its time.to seek outside help. Just remember to be patient, there may be a hidden illness that needs attending to. Maybe you and her need to have a day out to yourselves and see if you cant get her to open up, but honestly it’s the preteen years and times are alot different now then they were for us. My 12 year old niece has a mouth on her and I’ve never wanted to beat a child.so bad in my life, but she was diagnosed with add and adhd

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This is pre teen behavior! My now 13 (almost 14 in a month) started the same behavior when she was 11. She loves to antagonize her two year old brother and make him cry any chance she gets…

Before you know it, the eye rolling will start, muttering when told to do something, tantrums etc etc.

Take away any kind of electronic that they’re always using or anything that would keep them entertained in their room.

We created a chore chart and hung it on the fridge. Once chores were completed, she would earn one of the items we took away back.

If bad behavior happened again, we would take away her phone until she earns it back again and if continued, would take more things away from her room… It’s worked for us. I hope you find something that works for you :purple_heart:

In my experience, kids tend to act out when they have feelings they don’t know how to express or understand. I agree with the suggestion of seeking therapy. If they continue to grow up not knowing how to deal with their feelings, the acting up gets much worse as they get older.
Also, hitting a child? They are tiny humans that depend on us to guide them through life. How is hitting a child of any age teaching them anything positive at all? Imo, it instills fear and distrust. I do not agree with physical punishment one bit. Imo, people that use this as a form of punishment do so because working through the problems causing the behavior is just too much work.

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I feel you… I have two daughters 24 & 22 and 3 sons 20, 18 & 15 (he has special needs) my kids fought constantly! But they are also best friends. My boys the 20 & 18 yo got in to some physical altercations. I scolded them but eventually I told them that they need to always be nice to each other. I pointed out how they really were best friends. How would they feel if they had a fight and then something terrible happened to the other (like passing in a car accident) I explained that they never know when could be the last time they will sell that person and the guilt they would have… Or told my boys how guilty would they feel if one really hurt the other bad while they were angry and fighting… I know its sounds bad but it really worked. They still had small arguments here and there but nothing like it used to be. Now whenever they see each other they give hugs to each other. When one leaves they are sure to give a hug and say I love you to eachother… My girls used to constantly take stuff from my room. My makeup brushes hair products etc. I made sure to buy them their own so they wouldn’t use mine. Because yes I know they never return it to you! You have to go search for it. Good luck. Also My oldest daughter acted the same way. She acted like she was always mad at for me for some reason. We did go to therapy when she was about 13. Turns out she felt a lot of resentment for having to help so much with the house and kids. Their dad and I divorced when the 18 yo was only 5 months. I expected too much from her and I have apologized and tried to make it right. I am not saying that is your problem but thought AI would mention it.

So I thought I was reading my own life. My life to the T!!! I’m even 6 months pregnant to!!! I dropped my 11 yo off with her dad yesterday, if she can’t straighten up she will move in with him for good!. I can’t take it anymore! Something has got to give. Shes mean and disrespectful to me, my husband, her siblings, her teachers and classmates, EVERYONE! She just takes as she pleases! She never ask or listens when I say no it’s gotten so Bad! I’m gonna read through some of these comments later but so far I’ve only seen negative ones! And I’m not in for all the negativity, I need results not judgmental opinions.

I asked my mom what I should do and her response was “Yeah that’s around the age y’all started showing y’all’s asses and not listening, 20 years later and nothing’s changed” -I was like damn thanks for giving me hope mom

Maybe take away all of their things. Leave them with the absolute necessities. Tell them after a month of being respectful and following the rules they’ll get 1.2.3 things back, after 3 months they’ll get more and so on. By the end of the year, what you expect should be a habit. I would also suggest locking your door at all times so she can’t get in your room, this way she must ask for what she wants, after a while that will become habit too. Or you can always threaten to send them to an all girls private school somewhere else.

Corners. Then cleaning the house from top to bottom then homework and bed with time for breakfast lunch and dinner or breakfast and dinner or if they get fed at school a snack and dinner. Manual labor around the house as punishment will work. Don’t give them any leeway. If they disobey clean their rooms out and leave their clothing and bed. If they continue get them counseling to find out why they are behaving the way they are.

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Aren’t the twenty years fun. They know everything and you don’t know shit.

Most parents arent doing this anymore but i am still a firm believer of spankins and work. Spanking you child when theyre misbehaving after verbal warning and redirection is a way to show them boundaries and not listening will get them into alot of trouble. Even a pop on the butt or hand will make them realize they need to act better. I was raised like this and so were so many others that turned out fine and are very respectful. Teaching respect and boundaries are the way i would start.

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My mom whooped my ass for that crap. Just saying :woman_shrugging:

That’s how they bond lol but for her doing that to u n not listing etc mayb start her off from the basics give her her stuff on her back till she learns

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I’d be whooping them ! There is a good line between whooping and abusing . I’d be whooping if nothing else worked . But I’m having a boy , so it may be different with girls … once you’ve tried taking everything , disciplining them every way without a spanking , … I’d go with spanking next .

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Sounds as tho’ she needs a good listening TO. My guess is she’s reflecting your behavior towards HER. Of course, I don’t know your personal situation, but my first thought upon reading your post would be to sit down next to her and share some exchanges of info. Let her tell you what she likes, what she’s been working on, trying to do, etc. And really listen to her. Once you practice this “me time” regularly, she’ll be more inclined to listen to YOU because you’ve shown her she counts and has value worth listening to.

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I just a read a book called “setting limits with your strong willed child” I finished it in less than a day and I have to tell you the methods have helped tremendously. I highly recommend it. I have an 11yr old boy who pushes and pushes and pushes ,wasn’t listening to do things when told, backtalking, you name it he was doing it. The change starts with the parent. It’s been a week and by changing my own approach,the way I speak and how I dole out discipline,I’ve seen a huge difference.

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Mom’s are the safe spot, so she feels comfortable showing her annoyance, frustration, anger with you. The taking things is another issue as well as the tattling. If I can hear my kids arguing and one says “I’m gonna tell mom” I holler “don’t come tell me anything, if no one’s bleed or got a broken bone I don’t want to hear it” because they tattle over the small stuff a lot. You can try counseling as a family and see if they can help her express herself better. I know you said you don’t want to whip her but if you did I would only whip her for the stealing.

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I have a 3 girls 1 boy and 5 months prego with anither girl. Girls are 14,11,&7 boy is 8. They do talk back and they sometimes think they will do as they please. They are reminded of their ages, they do get punished ( going on 2 months with no electronics) extra chores as this shows them they if they would like to act or think they are an adult, then they can perform all duties i do as a mother. School and homework wouls be me qorkinf then the other responsibilities as a parent. It seems to be working great! They will bicker n argue but justt bcuz they are children. It is expected. Much improvement. Keep your head high. I cry sometimes bcuz it is alot to deal with. But at the end worth it …

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Thank you everyone! (Well, mostly everyone) for the advice! :heart: