How to handle attitudes in pre teens?

How do you handle the pre teen attitude? i am at my wits end with these kids…i ask them to do simple things and they act liuke it is the end of the world and i have honestly had it…what do i do? how do i change their outlook on things? will this ever go away?

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to handle attitudes in pre teens?

If they don’t want to listen, take things away. Believe me if you don’t it’s going to get worse.
Also. Teen years there’s a lot more hormones happening, so they’re very up and down emotion wise. Good luck.

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My husband has this great idea that if our kids ever start to act like that. To show them homeless people & how they live etc. So they can see how fortunate they are to have a roof over their head, a phone, ipad etc.
Maybe try that? :woman_shrugging:

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The phone should be taken away.

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I take priveleges away. No phone, no tablet. I even go bigger than that…no sugar, no ice cream, no candy. No tv no PlayStation. Wanna get attitude with me? Enjoy your peasant life children.

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You have to get a grip on things. Don’t let it go too far. Don’t let it get to the point where you’re ready to pull your hair out. You have to take the attitude “me parent, you kid… I say, you do… we get along fine. If not… it’s gonna cost you”. Then, if they get an allowance, pull it. If not, don’t let them use the phone for a few days. If they have a cellphone, pull that for a day or two. If they won’t do what you say, they don’t go to their friend’s house over the weekend. Pull TV privileges. Remind them everything they do is a privilege and it can all go away if they don’t cooperate. All they have to do is act like they live there and handle a couple of chores here and there. And everything will be ok. If not, it can get ugly.

Same!!! Be patient especially if hormones are fluctuating. Most grown women have trouble with it let alone a preteen.
Pick your battles. You can either nag all the time or just when it’s important. My preteen gets her phone after chores are done. Do what works for your family.

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My kids are teenagers, and they both think that they are grown, and they are not. I have taken things from them. I have taken keys to the car, phones, Wi-Fi (we don’t live where there is cell phone service) and even taken a job away and will not allow them to get another job right now. Tell you what, attitudes are coming less and less and their chores are finally getting done. Take it all away from them. They do not need these things to live. Make them earn it back. If the attitudes get worse, get rid of those things permanently. These kids these. Days all they are is attitude, even true with my grandkids. They think that they are bigger and badder than their parents. The disrespect needs to end or they are going to walk right on top of you and never listen to another thing that you have to say again! I wish you the best luck. Start now so they do not get out of control when they are a little bit older

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Me too mama, me too​:weary::woman_facepalming:t2:

Start taking stuff and privileges away , stop cooking for them , doing their laundry , paying for stuffs , and taking them places .
When they ask , act like them , like is the end of the world.
Make them work for what they want

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Give them the bare minimum until they earn things? They have a bed, clothes, a roof on their head and food. Everything else is a privilege.

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Tough love. They’ll hate you for a short while, but love you more for longer. I’m positive they’re smart and they’ll get it.
I have four Kings and they were tough, but I had to be tougher. To feel like their enemy was heartbreaking, but they now get it…’Touch wood’:sweat_smile:

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My parents literally took my bedroom door away so that my peace and privacy was disturbed. Worked like a charm.

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Teenage years is rough for sure. I think I agree with everyone else in this thread. Take things away. Hormones can come in waves. Pick your battles. If they say, they “hate” you, you are doing your job as a parent. Just remember, to give reassurance, that you love them. These years want last forever. My husband and I, have a 19, and 20 year old. The “20” year old is married with her family. And our “19” still lives at home. Which is fine. Tough love, is rough. But, they will love you in the end. Sending prayers🙏.

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The book “Hold Onto Your Kids” by Gordon Neufeld is a great read because it addresses this problem.

I never understood why so many people think making their children hate them equals good parenting. People who try to parent through power instead of through relationship, create more likelihood of eroding their bond with their child and losing their influence on them when they become teenagers. They are acting this way for a reason. Connect with them to find out why. Is it how you’re talking to them? Stress from school? Lack of sleep? Etc. With younger children they often have no filter, but with older children, opening up to you is going to really depend on your overall relationship with them. If it’s a close one, they will trust you enough with delicate information. If it’s not, they will feel the need to seize this rare chance of power by withholding info. This means taking things away is only going to make them resent you even more, which in turn is going to make the whole attitude issue worse. If you’re having a hard time getting your child to open up start with spending more time with them. It’s naturally going to provide more opportunities to do so, especially if it’s activities where they don’t have to make eye contact with you (ie. walking, getting a manicure together, etc).

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Take away electronics and privileges. Children need love, food, shelter and guidance. IPhones aren’t on that list. I’m not about to let my kids run my house or stress me out.

Maybe unpopular opinion, I tried to give my early teens their way when i could. It was kinda hard but as older teens our relationship was great. Alot better than me/my parents. Older teens will start sneaking around anyway, so i felt a good relationship/communication/trust was more important than little messy

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Have them volunteer or do community service. I swear by it, because kids get to physically see what the it means to struggle. It teaches them grace and gratitude.
Chore charts too

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I agree with taking things/privileges away but also let them know why you’re doing so. Tell them when and if they want to talk you are ready to listen and maybe come up with alternate solutions. What helped a bit in my case because of my “ mother “ is that I never punished my son when we were both angry/upset. Take a deep breath Mama - you got this !! Good luck and remember you will get through this and eventually they’ll have kids of their own that’ll put them through the same thing.

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Sit them down, and read them a list of ALL of the things you do for them.
Then tell them you aren’t asking a lot of them, just XYZ…
Tell them that you know chores aren’t fun, but they are necessary.
Also, tell them that you will not be tolerating disrespect.
They can be mad, sad, glad, whatever, but they can NOT be disrespectful.
Then, give them a list of consequences.
Tell them that you love them, and you love the home you have with them. But that it’s a group effort to keep the home and their lives running smoothly.

Embarrass them in public, as they did to you when they were younger lol

Pick ur battles…not everything is worth an argument… and actually listen to what they say… their feelings ARE valid just as much as urs. Listen to listen don’t just listen to respond

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I am a great grandma and grandma. I still remember those preteen days. Those preteens are grown with preteens of their own. I just sit back and enjoy the show! What goes around comes around. This too shall pass and is normal. Do your best to not allow any disrespect stick to your guns. Most of all remember their day will come.

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It goes away. I have 19 year old twin daughters. The one twin was a straight asshole through her pre-teen and early teen years. Her attitude changed when she hit about 15/16. She’s sometimes still an emotional mess and dramatic, but her attitude is no where like it used to be. Now, she’s like my best friend. I have a 13 year old son and an almost 9 year old daughter… both currently assholes. I’m just waiting for it to pass! I honestly think that it’s the hormones, the changes that their minds and bodies are going through and just realizing how their lives are changing as they grow.

Good luck. I’m struggling with that myself……girls!! :joy:

The only person’s outlook you can change is your own. Give the the chore and tell them a time line. I want the dishes done by 1, in the next hour, or now whatever. And don’t react to their whining, stomping, pouting. It’s designed to frustrate you and get under your skin. Don’t take their theatrics seriously or personally. They’re teenager, just be the worse mom ever. Kill the internet for a couple hours, take their phones. Don’t give up.

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Cut internet until they do

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I have a 13, 18 and 21 year old with a 7 yr old.
Mine know I tell them one time, I’m not a parrot. I give them an hour to do it then they get punishment. It’s called parenting. I do not repeat myself, and I am the parent.

I don’t get why parents allow their kids to run over them.

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Good luck ours is 17 and still acts like this. They want want want but can’t do as asked. Ours thinks she is entitled I guess. And if we ask her to do anything she gets an attitude and tells her friends and boyfriend lies about us. So again good luck

If you remember what it’s like to be a pre-teen start there. Your body is changing, everyone wants to still treat you like a little kid and everything feels like the end of the world.
Once you have perspective with how out of control they feel it’s a little easier to have patience and be able to respond and not react.
As a parent we need to model calm and in control interactions. Set expectations and boundaries while still speaking to them like they are their own person. Follow thru. If you don’t they will just feel more out of control.
Don’t take any of the attitude personally. It likely has nothing to do with you.
If they are giving me lip I acknowledge their upset and calmly ask them to rephrase or take a breath because I can’t allow them to xyz.
Mostly though, this is a huge opportunity to help them learn how to regulate emotions in a safe environment before they are more independent and out on their own.

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Take away their phones, shut off internet and TV, do not let them go out with friends, make them go to school with dirty clothes ,there is a list of things you can do to show them who is boss!

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2 choices, do what you ask or loose privileges/grounded. Stick with it. They will get it. Stand your ground. If you say they loose electronics for 3 days, stick to the 3 days.

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Yes/ no jar. When you ask them to do something if they do it put a yes card in, if they don’t they get a no card. When they ask for something you pick from the jar and they get the answer you draw.

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Parenting classes
That’s not to say you dont know what you’re doing but if the tools you have arent working for you then it’s time to get more
.
.
Also dont expect them to jump cuz you say so, they are actual ppl with their own feelings and expectations and hopefully they expect respect and common decency

It goes away…when they are in their 20’s!!

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I can’t help but laugh when my daughter gets a tude. I remember being her age and I know it’s the hormones and everything. I don’t let her get away w it but she’s not that bad either. That’s how pre teens are. Take away things you’ll see a change quick lol

I have a 21 yr old daughter that has the mental status of about 15 her room she refuses to pick up and has all kinds of food in there for months. I end up giving in and doing it cause it’s almost like it gets to overwhelming for her. She could do little at a time if she would just take a little time everyday to get it done

It’s to late to change it now mom always said those that can’t hear must fell

It will change, but it will seem like a hundred years first, lol. I remember thinking my kids woke up determined to be miserable. I’d sit them down for a heart to heart. I’d tell them you need a little help and everyone needs to chip in. I’d give them some clear expectations and consequences. Maybe a specific chore like dishes by 8pm or no wifi access the next day. That should be clear enough.

Ground them for a couple days. Make them watch TV or go outside

Tommy Johnson see we are not the only ones :woman_facepalming:t4:

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The days are long but the years are short