How to I have a better relationship with my boyfriend's mom?

I have a 3 year old and a 6 month baby with my boyfriend. We are currently living on the opposite side of the world in his parents place while his parents are currently in America. I’ve always had trouble with his Mom and Dad but mostly his mom who could seem very controlling, a meddler and asks me very personal questions (money, work, the kids, future) and I find it very uncomfortable and irritating because sometimes she steps on the boundaries. I’m the type of person who can be very outspoken with how I feel but I’ve never called out his mom but I have with my boyfriend, I told him that one day we go to America I don’t think I can be comfortable living with his mom because even now that we’re apart his mom is already pressuring me with questions I don’t feel comfortable talking to her about. Whenever my boyfriend and I do fight (during our first year together) his mom is always in the middle asking and meddling. But now he doesn’t tell his mom anything anymore about our relationship problems because I opened up about it already. But I also don’t know if he defends me when his mom talks about me to him.

I don’t know what to do or how to talk to his mom who is very close minded. I want to have a healthy relationship with her but I feel she is just too toxic for me regardless of her good side of being generous and caring with our kids

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to I have a better relationship with my boyfriend's mom?

YOU have to set the boundaries. How is she to know what they are if you don’t tell her how you feel? You do not have to answer her questions. But the more you answer, the more you are telling her it is okay.

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Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.

Get ur own place and that will fix it lol

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Set boundaries. In concrete! Reinforced with steel bars! Protected by bear traps! Laced with poison! Get where I’m going? The first boundary you allow her to break will break the dam.

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There seems to be some cultural differences here. I am an Italian with heavy handed italian roots and my husband is an American. Our families are very very very very different. My family is nosey according to my husband while I don’t think twice about it. In my family we openly discuss our salaries, our problems, our shortcomings, our strengths, our goals in life, where we see ourselves in 5, 10, 20 years. The surprise on my face when I asked my husband’s sister about her salary and she was taken back because it’s just things they don’t discuss- She pulled my husband aside and told him that she thought what I had asked was “rude” and put her in an awkward situation. My husband is now very used to my family and I have gotten used to his family over the years and we’ve made it work and we’ve developed a wonderful relationship. I think at the end of the day, you need to ask yourself, is she being controlling or is a part of their cultural norm as to where it’s not with yours? If you come to find that she is being controlling, then you need to sit down with them, draw a clear line in the sand and flat out ask her what you can do together to build and strengthen your relationship.

Could there be cultural differences between you two that you are not taking into account? Since she seems very direct (and a lot of Americans are) don’t be afraid to answer intrusive questions with, “why do you ask?” or “I am not comfortable discussing that with you” or “I’ll tell you, if you tell me first.”

Now you say that you guys are living in THEIR house on the opposite side of world. Are you guys paying to live there? Or is it free? Maybe that’s why she’s asking about money, work, etc…:woman_shrugging:t4:
If you don’t want her in your business, step 1 is to move out of her home. FYI, when you go to rent another place. They’re also going to want to know about work, money, etc…:woman_shrugging:t4:

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Blow her off, don’t pay attention, walk away

We’re 8 yrs in our relationship and almost 5 married. I literally quit trying. I spent way to much energy and time. Whenever she’s ready to like me I’m down until then I’m good

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My husband and I were dating back in the days his grand mother dislike me due of my past that I have been divorced and already had 2 kids in 2 previous relationship. She doesn’t agreed with me and him being together. Think he deserves better than having me. I ignored her and we both stay together and stand strong whether if his family or my family dont like one of us. We knew each other from high school and were best friend then 10 years later we decided to take the chances and start the new life we agreed to it. His grandmother didn’t want us have kids together or get married at all. We didn’t let her control of our life. We have 2 kids together plus my 2 kids. We did got married. We have been together over 15 years and almost 10 years of marriage. We basically mind our own business and do our life on our own and don’t let anyone get in our ways.

First and foremost you need to get out of their house. You have two children and you and your husband are living off her and her husband. It doesn’t matter if you pay rent or not you need to separate from their finances. Secondly, you are already talking about moving in with them if you come to America. You two are grown adults. Cutting the cord goes both ways as in she will mind her business when you take care of yours. It’s easier to blame you than their son for his short comings as he is a product of their parenting. Work on moving out and it won’t matter if your relationship is better or not because you will be independent of her.

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If you’re needing to stay in his parents place, maybe she has a reason to be concerned about those things………

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to I have a better relationship with my boyfriend's mom?

We moms can be that way, but we need put in place sometimes and sometimes that means out of their kids life, we aren’t any better just because we are older, do as your heart feels :heart:

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America sucks, you’ll regret it.

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I think it’s quite vial of you to expect him to defend you against his mother that’s how bullshit starts and sometimes it’s much easier to keep your mouth shut. Why make his life harder. This is one side of the story.

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Sounds like she will never change? Definitely do not live with her and try to set some boundaries without being harsh. She won’t like it but it will protect your sanity. If she’s asking or meddling… simply tell her you’d rather not discuss it at this time. Stay strong. You’re not obligated to answer all her questions

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Do not move in with your MIL. Have your own place and don’t depend on others.

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You can only control what you say and do. This woman been this way her whole life there is no changing her. What you can do is stop answering her questions if it’s none of her business. Do not let her bully you. Maybe take her out for coffee and simply tell her what’s on your mind. Tell her I do not wish to tell you everything that is personal to me. Save your money stop living with them then you only have to see them on holidays and birthdays.

Asking questions about money, kids, future etc are not personal questions they are questions of caring or starting to have a conversation in maybe an uncomfortable situation. All people argue expecting his mother to defend you is not something thats going to happen. Try and have an adult conversation with her and take your insecurities out of the mix and maybe you will see you both can get along.

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You have to talked to her openly that at the end of the day you and your husband will make up behind doors! She can either be a loving mother in law with your family or she can be an outcast because at the end of the day that is your husband abd those are your kids and you are going to fight with your husband and disagree but at the end you will be his wife! My mother always told me that the worst thing a third person can do is meddle in a marriage no matter how much you love them!

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Monster-In-Law Support

I’d handle with avoiding the question and acting like I didn’t hear it and change the subject. Get up and check on the kids. LoL

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Some people prefer to have meaningful conversations, to understand and get to know someone. Not everyone likes superficial small talk. Maybe find something about yourself/kids/future that you would enjoy sharing/answering questions about and offer that up as a conversation piece.

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Why would you live with his Mom? Make sure you don’t need to and you will be okay.

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Those kinds of questions are NORMAL among family. It may be different for someone who was raised to not communicate much, but those are caring questions from someone who can be supportive. Learn to open up and not be so defensive. It can only help.

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From my experience: I realized early on when my babies arrived that it’s not about me anymore.

I realized me and my now mother - in - love might not always meet eye to eye but we have one thing in common:our love for my husband, her son.
I also learned not to discuss his mom with him, unless it’s positive because I don’t want to put him in a position where he feels he need to choose between me and his mom.
It’s about respect and healthy boundaries. Don’t allow this to become a battlefield between you and your partner. It’s really not worth it. Men often fight battles we don’t always know about. Focus on what you and your precious little family love to do. Treasure each moment​:two_hearts::heart::two_hearts:
Blessings to you all🥰

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Who said you have to get on better with her?

Maybe she should be asking herself why she has two kids with a man who won’t marry her?
She’s demanding respect from his mother when it appears he only values her as a girlfriend/ baby momma.
She asks about money, work, the kids and future and somehow that’s meddling?

When he makes you his wife maybe he will respect and
Protect you.

Wake up young lady. You’re a girlfriend and baby mama and that’s how she’s treating you

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Been there, Got the t-shirt, don’t stres to much, if she don’t like you, she will not even accept your children, bigg ups for in laws who is there for there grandchildren

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Wow you will be ok believe in yourself

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to I have a better relationship with my boyfriend's mom?

Just don’t tell her nothing.

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Sounds like you’re doing the right thing in keeping your distance.

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first off…it’s time he married you…I don’t understand women having a houseful of babies with a man but not have him honor you by marrying you; afterall you are performing all the wifey duties; this way you could tell his mom that what goes on in your household is between you and your HUSBAND!!

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to I have a better relationship with my boyfriend's mom?

I need more context … it sounds like you feel like normal life questions are personal and meddling. Could it be you and not her?

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I hate to sound like his mom but why in earth are u two not married? I don’t mean to say I care BC I don’t but u have two kids and u would have a lot more say if u had that commitment! I guess I just don’t understand WHY u people want to play house with no commitment. The truth hurts but if u were legally and spiritually bound together, it would be his obligation to get thru to her!! Without it, it’s an OPTION!! UGH!!

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If she’s nice to you and nice to your kids then just try to overlook her meddling🤷🏻‍♀️ it sounds like she is very generous to you and your fam especially being that you live in her house and would come here to the US to also live with her…. Part of a healthy relationship with your spouse is having good relationships with their family……

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I would try to have a heart to heart. I would tell her u would love a relationship with her but what goes on with you two, your money or anything else that is private is just that between you two and she is not to ask questions about it. She would not want this behavior done to her so she should not do it to you. If honestly doesn’t work nothing will

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You’re living in her house so she has the right to know about future plans. Do you plan on moving out of their home when they return? Maybe she wants to make sure you won’t be struggling to buy a house of your own and her grandchildren are well taken care of. If my son, when he ever has a family, was living in my home I’d want to know what they were doing to save money

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Maybe she is genuinely curious and just trying to be your friend?

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Sometimes a relationship with his mom just isn’t in the cards. Be friendly and respectful but don’t stress about it :slightly_smiling_face:

what ever you do dont move in with ur MIL, work something out so your family can get a place of your own andveventually have a conversation with her

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Don’t live with her or let her know your business. Her having no damned boundaries or respect is not a good sign at all.

So far the questions you’ve used as examples are all ones you’d have to answer on a renting application or loan application to some degree. You stated you’re living in her home and possibly will be moving in with her when you come to America. She may just be trying to assess the risk she’s being expected to take on for the sake of her son. The personal issues between you and your boyfriend should absolutely stay private. My MIL was pushy and asked me all sorts of personal questions that were none of her business, especially since her son was moving in with me and had zero to do with her finances or her lifestyle.

Tell her how her questions make you feel. You have to set firm limits w her. But, remember, unless you tell her how you feel, she can’t know!
Good luck

You tell her shes on a need to know bases,tell her very firmly its ur family not hers.

Just be glad that you live very far away from them !

Hello I’m looking for help sharing or donating for my son’s Hs soccer fundraiser, anything counts :slightly_smiling_face: we don’t know people to even ask I have two big sons in JV and Varsity . Even $1 counts :slightly_smiling_face: :soccer::soccer::heart::white_heart:

Get out and find your own place. To answer your question, you won’t. Been there!

Why isn’t she meddling to tell your son to marry u? Smh. I can relate, to your situation . However respectfully tell her your boundaries

You don’t have to live with his parents. But they are his parents so one way or another you need to get along especially for your kids to be apart of their grandparents lives.

I hate when I’m scrolling and push the like by mistake… :neutral_face: