How can you be sure the timing is right to add to your family, especially when your relationship has been less than solid years in the past and again more recently?
My husband and I are in marriage counseling and things have been really great for the past 3 months. Prior to starting counseling, it was really bad and I was preparing to leave him. Lately it’s been like we’ve gone back to how we used to be 4 years ago and I’m so much happier and in love than I have been in a long time. We have a 2 year old who I am mostly a stay at home mom for, and I really want to have another baby before their age gap gets to be too large.
We’ve always talked about how having our kids 1-3 years apart would be perfect so they’ll play well together and be in school together some years. He has a twin who he used to get along great with as a kid so he wants our kids to be close. I grew up with 4 siblings ranging from 2 to 17 years older than me and I only ever played with the brother who is 2 years older. So I want my children to be able to play together because I know what it’s like when the age difference is too big.
Not only is the age difference a factor, but I really want to have another baby. I have so much love for children of all ages and I’m ready for another baby to love. I’ve worked at daycares and currently at a preschool and I love seeing my preschool kids hug their baby siblings and seeing the babies’ faces light up and hear them coo when their big brother or sister walks in. I’ve always wanted 4 kids and I feel like we’re missing part of our family because we only have one kid and she’s already 2. She would be an awesome big sister, she’s always pretending to take care of her baby dolls and animals and she is the funniest little girl. I want to see her with a baby sibling and see how their bond grows. We’re not quite out of the baby-stage so it wouldn’t be like starting over again, but we are having a bit of break since she mostly sleeps through the night, eats whatever we eat, takes one 2 hour nap every day, and is communicating really well.
Our main hang up is that it’s stressful to go through pregnancy and having a new little one. Neither of us want to put ourselves into a situation that will take us down the wrong path and push us further apart. Is it a bad idea to take the risk? Is it possible that it could mess things up? Our first pregnancy brought us closer together, the first couple months were pretty hard for me, but after that the whole first year wasn’t that stressful. If it pushes us further apart then we would end up divorcing and I would mostly be raising two kids on my own. I know it’s possible because my mom was a single mother who raised my sister, my brother, and I, but I also know it’s hard and really lonely. At the same time, if it could push us apart to have a baby wouldn’t it be better for it to be next year with our second rather than 6 years from now when it’s our 4th?
I don’t know what I’m looking for really, can anyone tell me their experience or maybe give some advice? Maybe I’m overlooking something super obvious. I just have such a longing for another baby and it’s hard to see clearly.
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So prior to marriage counseling you were ready for divorce. Only the last 3 months are better, that in its self would be a no go for me. Especially when you’re mentioning things like well it could pull us apart. When bringing in another human being into already Rocky situation you’re really throwing the dice if it’s going to work or not. Why risk that? You also said you would most likely be a single mom? So what are implying? That your husband is no help now?? If that’s the case I’d suggest you shut the baby fever down and focus on making your marriage strong again. A baby won’t fix anything. I’d give it some more time with counseling and see how things ago. I also feel when deciding you’re going to have another baby I feel that there should be no question in your mind whether it will work out or not. If you’re not positive on where your marriage stands I wouldn’t be bringing a child into the situation.
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Honestly I would wait until you guys have been in therapy a little longer. Just so that once or if you guys do get pregnant you know how to keep the connection you have started now. A baby will come when the time is right.
Your job as a parent is to give your child the best life you can. What happens if you bring another baby into the world and things turn for the worse again? do you really want your children in an unhealthy environment where mom and dad don’t get along? That can really mess with kids, even really young ones. They need all the love and nurturing they can get. At the end of the day it’s your body and relationship and worse case scenario, youd end up taking care of 2 by yourself and you’d have to be prepared for that scenario. Personally I wouldnt risk it until you guys are more stable. It wouldn’t be fair to the kids.
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Just wait until you are finished with marriage counseling. Ultimately it is up to you but i think that it is bad idea
Bad idea… sorry 
been there. . Done that. .
Ended up leaving him because things got SO MUCH WORSE. .
Hugs!
Wait until you finish marriage counseling. . Wait until you’re both a solid team again. . It’s been 3 months. . THREE MONTHS. . Since you were ready to divorce. .
Pregnancy and babies put a stain on relationships. . Even in the best cases. . But when you’re both not 150% stable. . It can break a marriage. .
I know you WANT… boy fixing your marriage, completely, is a NEED in your current situation. .
Hugs!
Focus on your family now. 1 or 2 years won’t make a big difference at this point… can’t feed from an empty pot, can’t fix something by adding more to the plate. .
Not lecturing, speaking from experience
I mean, honestly, if you have to ask or have doubts it’s probably best to wait. While it’s great that counseling is going well for y’all, you really should stick with it for a while longer before you start for another kid. Don’t worry about their age gaps. That’s not important. There are 12 and 10 years between be and my older sisters. And my own kids are each 4 years apart. Yes there are benefits to kids being close in age but there is also benefits in a wider age gap. By the time I had each new baby, my older kid(s) were old enough to be a bit more self sufficient and understand why the new baby needs the extra attention at first. Which is a huge help when you’re scraping for sleep in those first few months.
Basically, if you’re already in the middle of fixing an issue, adding a baby will not help. You need to make sure your foundation is strong before you add anymore “weight” to it.
Good luck to you!
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I didn’t have to read much of this. If you’re in marriage counseling then your marriage is obviously fractured. What do you think a new baby would do to an already unbalanced and rocky marriage? Babies don’t save marriages.
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U will have another baby when the Lord is ready forU to have one
Perhaps it would be a great topic at your marriage counseling. I would think the counselor would be able to help you sort this out. In my opinion, this would be a huge no no. Additional stress to a marriage is absolutely the worst thing for you right now.
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You guys need to focus on yourselves first and make sure you guys are solid for awhile then maybe consider another child…if you guys are having issues now pregnancy is only going to make it worse cuz of the hormones
I had kids 3 years apart & they fought all the time! There’s no guarantee two get along. I’d be sure you could support two kids (financially, emotionally and physically—work isn’t double, it’s exponential!—on your own before having another.
Dont worry about the age gap wait till you are ready. 3 or 4 good months isn’t enough time in my opinion if you were ready to leave him before that.
I would wait until little one is three to be sure isnt temporary
Hmmm… Because things have been very bad until the last 3 months I would wait a few more months and spend some more time working on the relationship first. Making sure its solid and able to withstand the stresses of pregnancy, new baby, and having a second child. Most people dont realize but going from one to two is a whole new ballgame. And literally every single person I know including myself, who had an easy first child, had a super difficult second.
Perhaps this is something to bring up during counseling… 3 months, in the grand scheme of things just isn’t that long. Its great things are changing and getting better, but its still fragile and needs more healing time, in my opinion.
I think the choice here is what your priority is. If it’s your marriage, you wait. If it’s to have kids - even by yourself, then that’s an option.
Bringing in a new baby to the world doesn’t always bring people closer together and it defiantly won’t fix things between the two of you but it is your marriage and your family so maybe talk to each other to be on the same page?
JMO.
From what u said, your husband does all the things he is supposed to, he is committed to u enough to go thru council to become stronger as a unit.
Every relationship hits the rocks, its inevitable. Sounds like you are over thinking.
If your husband & yourself are BOTH ready. DO IT.