How do you deal with getting out of a 10 year relationship… it’s officially over after being on and off and constantly arguing but somehow it still hurts… - a mom of 3
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to leave a relationship?
I left a 10 year relationship with 3 children it’s better to hurt for a moment then a life time. It’ll get easier sooner or later believe in yourself you are stronger then you think.
Even under the most mutual circumstances, leaving a relationship hurts. It won’t be easy. But it will be better long-term if the relationship is dead or otherwise is a poor example for your kids. Find a support group or therapist. Also consult an attorney. In some states it might be inadvisable to move out before teens are agreed upon.
That said, if there’s abuse, get out now.
i think u have to be ready i left a 10 yr marriage about 1 yr ago and i don’t think i could of done it if i wasn’t mentally ready to leave
Work on inner work and healing yourself mama. Strong independency Is key to being a mom I think, with a partner or not. I just left a bad relationship with two kids and moved an hour away. I’m still working on myself everyday. Go you mama!!!
If its with the father, coparent, don’t let y’all relationship get in the way of your parenting…don’t hurt the relationship the kids have with the other parent
My mom was married to a wife beater for just 5 years, separated for two of those 5 years, and he just died, yet she still mourns. I don’t get it.
Therapy & support groups, & realize sadness and pain will lessen over time. You are grieving the death of a relationship that you thought was forever. It’s normal! Allow yourself to go through all the stages of grief, but don’t get stuck there.
Have things to look forward to, from a relaxing cruise vacation to a weekend sleeping in and doing anything you want when he has the kids. Other ideas: lunch with friends, a relaxing bath, a fun outing with the kids, a visit with the kids to see relatives and friends for a few hours or a week. Go camping, rent a cabin in a park. Or head to the beach no matter the season. Walk on the sand in overcoats, toss around a beach ball wearing gloves, fly kites, eat salt water taffy, ice cream and pizza in town if the boardwalk’s closed, get cheaper lodging rates by the ocean or lake.
Or hang out at home in bathing suits, beachwear and leis from the dollar store, play beach/tropical music, eat pineapple, make tropical drinks like nada coladas with little umbrellas (no umbrellas for kids under 4 & only yours has alcohol), cook jasmine rice or rice cooked in coconut milk with chicken & pineapple or mango, look at pictures of exotic beaches, play board games, work age-appropriate puzzles, play simple card games, get books about the beach from the library. Especially fun in February if the weather’s dreary where you are.
Or get with the kids and plan another themed day/weekend, like pick a country—learn some words, cook the foods together, learn a traditional dance, read about famous people and fun facts, color your own “passports.” Or do a wild Western, prehistoric (don’t cook meat over an open fire unless you have access to a barbecue or fire pit!), futuristic, or historic era theme. Also sneakily educational.
Spend time in nature, take a class, start a hobby, learn a new movement technique with the kids. Different kinds of yoga, Zumba, the latest dance, HIIT, power walking, swimming, fitness trails. Go cheap with You Tube, DVDs from the library (check out a 1980s aerobics DVD and laugh at the outfits), and online tutorials if recreation centers or gyms aren’t an option.
Mark an hour, a day, a week, a month that you have survived and see how strong and independent you are. Look back at the end of each day and see how far you’ve made it already.
Start and end each day with a positive mantra or pep talk in the mirror. There’s an online video with a dad having his daughter repeat affirmations (I am strong, I am beautiful, etc.) that is wonderful.
You may find that once you are out of the relationship a while you will be happier, less stressed, feel lighter, and look back and wonder how you put up with it for so long. Your kids will admire and learn from your courage in leaving a bad relationship or when something isn’t working and will know how to do the same.
Sending you love and light.
Oh! And contact a women’s center, a lawyer and the county benefits office for the more practical aspects of leaving.
Get books from the library that offer help & hope, enjoy podcasts and TED talks, on dealing with the breakup of a family. You and your kids should talk to friends and family members of all ages who have been through divorce about practical matters and things that helped them cope and feel better. I got my daughter to focus on how she would decorate her new room at dad’s house. My son’s best friend and the friend’s mom were a great sounding board for my son, and showed him life would be OK.
I’m not so sure I left a 4 year relationship at 35 weeks pregnant currently due tommorow it was an argument and I thought I was ready he never shown me nothing but laziness and utter disrespect but as time gone on and he cut me and my kids and this baby out of his life it hurts! Everyday it hurts so god damn much and I’d do anything to take it all back!
Just make sure you are ready because I’m due a baby tommorow and I don’t even no how to find the strength to do it with out him! He was my world bet yet I wasn’t his! And maybe in the long run it’s for the best but right now he living his best life and I’m living the worst with my feelings! Xxxx
I went through the same thing with my ex husband we were married for 10 years and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but trust me it was so worth it and I’m so much happier than I was and so is my daughter. You go through a grieving period and it’s hard but so worth it to be happy
I left a 10 year with my 3 kids. Hard at first, I think I missed the routine more than I did the relationship. It gets a lot easier over some time, I promise x
As much as I hate this answer… Time
I always thought it was a crap answer everyone gave me after my fiancee’s suicide, but it’s TRUE, in time it gets easier… I have also had to leave a 10 year relationship after that, and it was hard, only 1 child. But after time it got easier. I did have to keep myself very busy, not isolate myself to help me through. When its constant arguing and things you will realize after awhile how calm, quiet and peaceful your situation has become, and it will just feel like you’ve finally made it through the hardest part. Best of luck to you!
I was married for 8 years and separated for 1. Best decision I ever made for me and my kids. I have an incredible, loving husband and my family has healed so much. I’m so grateful that I didn’t stay but I kick myself for wasting so many years with him.
you leave, See a therapist if you need to & one also for your kids
My husband and I separated a couple years ago and I talked about in therapy and she explained it like this- you’re basically grieving when you end a relationship. What you had with that person, all the things you planned, the future you envisioned is all gone the same as if they had died. Give yourself alot of time to come to terms with the fact that something you put so much time and energy into is over, and then be ready to move into the next phase of your life.
Time is the only thing. Usually when one or the other has checked out, they’ve given up long before. They’ve prepared their self with the distancing emotions already so it won’t be so hard when the time comes. Yes your going to have moments where all you may think of is them, but if your miserable don’t keep putting yourself through it. The main thing is HEAL!! Don’t go and find a rebound just because your lonely, give your mind time to accept what has happened
In my marriage for 25 year has everyone said time heal all best thing I did for myself is leaving in a few years you will look back I should have long time ago a divorce is what you him make out of it good or bad but at the you are divorce the little stuff don’t matter just think about kids God will lead you in the right way believe me
It will take time…enjoy ur children and perhaps maybe mr right will come along
Because as you walk away your mind goes to the positives. The good parts. Had a friend married for 8 years to one of the most abusive aholes ever. Even her therapist never heard about all the things he did to her. She cried her heart out the day they divorced. At which point I reminded her how many times we had to drive her to the hospital after a beating. Including being raped 6 days after her C-section by the ahole. Remember why you are leaving.
Same! It’s hard but so was living in a toxic relationship and home. I chose to change to dealing with my heart being sad rather than continue living in and raising my children in a toxic relationship. I still love him and always will. I just had to accept that we were all better off if he and I didn’t share a home anymore. Time and space apart helps
1 day at a time, doing the next best thing.