How to make a marriage work after cheating?

Most people say that they wouldn’t ever stay with someone if they cheated on them. That it’s a boundary that they wouldn’t forgive if crossed. Most think that way, until it happens to them. I was that way, and then my husband cheated. My whole world was shattered. Everything I thought I knew about the man I loved, was ruined and crumbled. We have 2 beautiful kids together, I was pregnant with our second during his affair. I found out at 6 months pregnant. Our oldest was 2. We are now 1 year from me finding out, and the pain is still so fresh and intense. I love him, but I honestly do not feel “in love” with him any longer. He has done a full 180 and is doing everything to try and fix this marriage, but I feel like nothing will ever be enough to heal us. I use to be so infatuated with him. We were virgins for each other, and before his affair, we were all each other knew. Now he’s had me, and his affair partner. And I’ve still only had him. Part of me feels like I hold resentment over the fact that he had someone else and got away with it, but I know he would leave me if I did anything with another man. He can’t handle the thought of me with anyone else. That fact alone makes me occasionally want revenge, to cheat as well just to show him how much pain it brings. But I really don’t want that. I don’t want to be with anyone else, I don’t want to sin and bring that on me. I know that I would be just as bad as him at that point. And since the affair, I haven’t felt beautiful to him. The other woman was very skinny, and very different from me. I’m not ugly but I now feel like I’m not his type. He says I’m beautiful and that he doesn’t know what he saw in her, that he was just so lost and blinded by the sin of it all. But I feel so unattractive to him… I want to feel attractive again. To someone, if not to him. I know I’m going to get a lot of comments telling me to leave him if I can’t get over the affair and to find someone who can make me happy, but I have kids with this man. He’s a great father, and this past year he’s been a great husband. He’s really really trying to save this. I don’t want to destroy my kids family over his 1 time terrible choice. My kids deserve a family together. Yes I deserve to be happy too, but I need to know how to get out of my own head and forgive him. Thank you for reading this far

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to make a marriage work after cheating?

No chance, will never be the same again!

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Pray, and counseling. I tried and never got over it, however he kept on it was no isolated incident.

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Take him back, then fuck his brother.

My friend is currently going through this she forgave him the first time and then a few years later he did it again he just hid it better… we told her she should have just left the first time…

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You can’t? You know he’d leave you if you did it, yet he knows you won’t because you let him disrespect you. You allow this by forgiving him.

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It doesnt. It’s like a party you didn’t attend why should you be punished for something that had nothing to do with you. My partner cheated countless times made a child with someone eles everytime I had one. At the end he was in such a hurry to get to her house he started abusing the children. It’s been 11 years for the most part I’m good then I run into one of them and I can’t help but be furious all over again.

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It will never be the same. There will always be that insecurity

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From someone who went through this and we are still married 20 years later it takes forgiveness and time to earn your trust back ad I would suggest counseling for you both

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Once the trust is gone there is no foundation for a relationship .

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Did he tell you he cheated or was he caught? I think that is a big thing to consider here. Is he sorry he did it or sorry he got caught? Some people are genuinely sorry and remorseful for cheating and I don’t believe in once a cheater always a cheater. But this is teaching him how he can treat you and what he can get away with. You’re going to have to dig deep and see if you - just you - can move past this. It’s ok to say his actions changed your relationship forever. It’s ok to want a divorce after being hurt. It’s ok to say I deserve someone that will be faithful.

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It will never be the same as before. It takes a whole lot to build up that trust again, and you can’t help but feel the hurt every now and then.

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He can be a great father without being your husband. He broke your trust. You’re hurting. You’ve tried. Let yourself be happy and heal away from him.

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It’s time to leave. You’ll never trust him again.

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You need to go to therapy aswell. Have someone professional help you find ways if you really want to stay.

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Oncectrust is broken u cannot get it back completely

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You obviously love this man. He is obviously a good Father and a good hubby as well…it’s sad that he chose an affair to taint such a good partnership but, it happens, even though the other woman meant nothing to him. Forgive and move on…

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Therapy ( separately and together )

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If you REALLY want it to work out then you are gonna have to do some work too … Not just him … If you don’t want the headache leave him now … It really does come down to what you’re willing to do to help the situation … You are not being forced to do this … You need to make your mind up … Take all the time you want to decide … But once you do take proper steps towards what you’re wanting … Best of luck to you

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Therapy, individual and couples.

Some people are capable of making it work. Some even say the relationship is better after they have worked through the affair.

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That feeling will always be there. You’ll never trust him again the way you did before all this happened. Honestly, I would leave him because you said it yourself, you love him but you’re not IN LOVE with him. It’ll only get worse, and you’ll end up hating him. Not to mention he’ll probably do it again. He’ll just grt better at hiding it. Sorry girl but it’s true.

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I’m in this same position right now, minus being pregnant. One day I’m ok, the next day I’m a mess. I have no idea what to do either. Good luck!! :pray::pray:

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Marriage counseling. Individual therapy. And years of rebuilding trust.

Sounds like you guys are fairly young. The best option is counseling and being HONEST with how you feel. Healing takes time. Building trust takes time. Start “dating” again and relearn your partner. Learn to communicate and HE has to be honest with the reasons he cheated. Could it have been attention? Not feeling “special”? Enjoying the fact a woman finds him attractive? Excitement? All of the above? How long you dated also plays a factor and some who are guilted into celibacy for religious reasons do find once they DO have sex it sparks curiosity and they don’t have much “practice” in curbing advances. You have to fall in love with him again. You have to trust him again. Rebuild.

Oh honey! Get some self esteem!!! Show your children that they are worthy that you are worthy! By staying with him you ate telling your children that cheating is ok. Cheating is never ok! It is never ok to make anyone fell the way you are feeling. Please go see a counselor, not with him but for you! Know your worth!!! And he is not worthy of you!!!

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You need to see a counselor for your self also you both need to see one together and do something for your self like self inperaion retreat

U dont need therapy…its not trauma…pick yourself up and move on…be strong…let him go…find someone else!!

Take time for your self to heal.

Tell him it’s not the affair that hurts, it’s the fact that he didn’t have enough faith in your relationship to talk about what was going on before he cheated.

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Gross that’s attempted murder. You have no idea if her, or any of her partners have HIV, herpes ect. That’s how you end up the star of the show snapped :tipping_hand_woman:t4::weary::nauseated_face:

If its been a year and you still feel this way then it probably will not change.

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It’ll never be the same babes….

I tried for 3 years to forgive, and it never got any better sadly.

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The in love feeling never comes back. It’s replaced with betrayal and resentment. But the fact he’s making an effort will be making it alot easier to stay. Alot harder to leave. The trust is gone and no matter what he does you will always feel unattractive to him in the back of your mind. All the good memories ruined over his selfish act. I hate men. The only plus is knowing someone else CAN make you feel beautiful again it’s just up to when you want to take that leap.

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The only thing I can add to this is if you stay just for the kids it’s going to hurt them more in the long run but it’s honestly a personal opinion but honestly try it again you to need to have a couple days alone to rekindle the love you once had and then work from there but you are gonna have to work at it to ik it’s hard but you are gonna have to keep reminding yourself why u fell in love with him and don’t think about what happened to much cuz it will only wreck your relationship but don’t understand any circumstances let him be the only one trying it need to me 100% on both ends

My mom tried to make it work for 20 years and still could never get it out of her head, you won’t leave till your ready no matter what anyone says get marriage counciling if that doesn’t work you have your answer

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I hope you have had the courage to get tested for STDs. Explain to the doctor that you know your husband cheated and that he’s your only partner. Things can stay dormant for a long time, so please get tested. Also, an intact family can be you and your kids. I’m a widow of over 3 years. My kids and I are all we have. Kids pick up on resentment and pain.

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I agree with above comments try therapy and see if that helps and maybe try dating him again :slightly_smiling_face: you dressing up for a fun night and allowing him to wine and dine you and give you undivided attention.

It does not matter if you have kids or not he cheated you have to make him suffer and you will need to heal otherwise he will do it again he was in the wrong .

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If u are prepared to stay with him and he is as u say a good father and husband I would advise u to get counselling and if u want to be happy with him u have got to let the past go and move on otherwise it will ear u up until there is nothing left for u with him

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You either have to dig deep and forgive, truly putting it behind you or end it and move on. Torturing yourself more is not helping.

You can try therapy, but speaking from experience, it won’t help. You would not be destroying the family. He did that. He might be trying to make up for it now, but that’s only because he was caught. If he can do it when you’re at your most vulnerable time being pregnant, he truly is a piece of :poop:. For me, it never got better.

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Straying with him for the kids sake is WRONG…its causes more damage than good. You’ve even said yourself you can’t get over it and I don’t blame you at all, it’s been a year and no change on your behalf. You need to heal and the only way to do that is leave with your babies and Co parent if possible be the two best parents you can. In time you’ll be happier mentally healthier and find a man that suits you

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I personally don’t believe you can make any sort of relationship work after someone has cheated. The very foundation of the relationship, and the trust, has been destroyed. It’s the ultimate disrespect and you’ll never be fully at peace if you stay. I understand that is much easier said than done, but I truly believe this :weary:

*edit: I should probably add that I haven’t been through this exact situation, this is just an informed personal opinion!

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It’ll never be “the same”

You can go to counseling, together and separately, and they can give y’all tools to help. You may forgive and be able to move on, you may not.

Your kids need happy parents who are capable of showing them a healthy relationship, whether that consists of y’all together or apart.

You having an affair would probably make you feel awful. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Therapy and expressing exactly how you feel might be best. If you can’t move forward and forgive and forget, then maybe you should let him go and move forward without looking back.

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You are cheating yourself
He now knows he can cheat and you will forgive him
The only issue is if you decide to divorce your kids may blame you and not him !

Well not to. Condone. ? If. He. Used a. Condom,. To. Protect. Himself &. Me.
I. Might. Forgive. Just. Once. After. That. ? Hit. The. Bricks…

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The only thing I can say is that if you wouldn’t have find out, he would’ve still be cheating on you…don’t stay because of the kids

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Only you can decide this. I have no advice for you, nor do I know what I’d do in your shoes. I just wanted to show you support in your difficult time. Maybe you can try counseling, individually for yourself and together with him. People do make mistakes and own up to them and change their ways. You will need time to heal from this wound, and it’s going to take a while. But you’re so very strong, much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Best of luck to you. I hope and pray that you do what’s best for you and your family

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If it’s been that long you probably won’t get over it, it also doesn’t matter if you have kids with someone, I hope you teach them infidelity is wrong, don’t feel bad if you think about leaving, 80% of all divorces are pursued by women so that tells you a lot about men :woman_shrugging:t2:

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In my experience I couldnt get past it i was miserable trying to forgive him

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In all honesty I’m one of those that will leave someone for cheating. However if you are determined to make this work I suggest therapy for each of you singularly and also couples therapy. If you leave it how it is it will destroy both of you. It’s great to put your kids first but you need to make sure you are happy as well. Kids pick up on things even if you are trying to hide it. Don’t give them the wrong idea of a relationship. This will take a lot of work for both of you but it’s worth trying.

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I would say to see a Christian counselor and then when you work through your feelings than your husband and you should both go together. It’s worth sticking together and building a great relationship. Forgiveness is what you need to do but then you’ll probably never forget.

Get counseling for yourself and as a couple. It is possible to save your marriage. It will be different but it can be good again.

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You either put in the effort to trust again or you leave

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You can still co parent without being together.

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I say if you guys want to work it out and you can forgive him then you two need professional help. I attempted to fix mine. I stayed. I stayed for many years with him having many affairs… the last affair with my best friend was say last straw… she got pregnant. I thought I forgave him after the first time after I had our first child. I didn’t forgive him. I couldn’t. It put us more into a hole(as he said it was all my fault I made him cheat. We both have a list of mental health issues but i was topped off with ppd. I know my faults. He knows his). I attempted self consoling but that was bad. It won’t ever be the same but if you both want to work you can move past it. I know there’s a way. I don’t know what it is. But it’s out there.

This is the only piece of advice I have I had two friends both of these friends there husband cheated on them. The first friend had kids with him but she left she said for herself and her kids deserved better than someone like that.

The second friends Aldo with kids she stayed she told me that her old marriage was dead the person she was the person he was they died that day he cheated on her. She said that she decided he had to win her back forget everything move forward. She did it like they had just meet they dated and she said from that death between them they grew new life.

The choice is yours but I say no matter eat go talk to someone together and apart. Cause one thing I am sure of if he got lost once he will do it again if you don’t find the root of the problem.

Once a cheater ALWAYS A CHEATER…I mean, I would not wana lay with him after he done laid with how many women he could of cheated with behind your back, you can forgive but you can never forget! Your just giving him the ok to do it again, he ain’t shit, YOU DESERVE WAAAAY BETTER!!!

What advice would you give to your kids if they came to you with this issue? Would you encourage them to stay through the pain for the sake of being able to say you have an intact family? Or would you encourage them to find someone who truly loves and respects them and their kids?

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Have to really talk about stuff n forgive each other n move past things
Stuff will never go back the same can either be worse or better
We all make mistakes we are human n everyone deserves forgiven long as it’s not a repeated thing n both r really willing work at the relationship

A lot of talking to Jesus, couples counseling and individual counseling.

It will never be the same as it was in the beginning, it’s all different now…u just need time to heal things will be different and u will always think about the time he cheated even if u forgave him but u can work it out I you’re both committed to it it will be basically starting all over while being a mom u also have to find u again and learn who u are while rebuilding a marriage from the ground up, communication is everything in order to rebuild that trust again so u have to start by telling him this is how u feel however he takes that will determine what your next move will be bc I have been there myself u think it will be easy to leave but it’s not…especially with kids…and knowing that u don’t want anyone else but think about it sometimes is ok…find you have some deep thought conversations with yourself where do u see yourself in 5 years where do u see your marriage in 5 years? If u feel deep in your heart that u can’t move past the best thing is to separate for while it depends on the 2 of u falling in love again and how you will rebuild trust with him and how u 2 work together to fix what is broken and it won’t happen overnight it has take almost 4 years for us to have trust again and it’s a lot of hard work I know u posted anonymously but my inbox is open if u need to vent

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Don’t forget what your teaching your kids with this process as well. Would you truly want them staying somewhere they weren’t truly happy? Let me tell you kids are so smart and they bounce back. Why does he have to be a husband to be a great father to his children? He should be doing that single or married. I hope you find what makes you and your children happy in the end :purple_heart:

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It honestly sounds like your mind is already made up you’re just staying for the kids. That’s never the right answer.

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It doesn’t get better that’s a fact the resentment you feel only grows …

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I can’t forgive ! I just feel they knew what they were doing.

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I’d open up the marriage to a short time and get all the mingling out of the way. You won’t find peace until you feel the same thing he felt.

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You answered yourself. You’re not in love with him. Staying for kids, isn’t healthy.
However, if you’re wanting to spark the love back up, then try. Therapy, individual and couple. You’re religious, pray and pray hard. You have to let it go too. Let the affair go, let her go, and be in the now. Or it will never work.

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You don’t ever forget it. It’s always in the back of your mind. Thru all the therapy in the world I promise you will always think about it you will always question everything he says where he’s going who is texting him and why. What was wrong with you? Why were you not good enough? Those questions will never go away in my experience. He can be a great parent that doesn’t mean he has to be a great parent WITH you. Personally I couldn’t get past it but only you can make that choice but you have to Ask yourself do you want to have these things in the back of your mind at all times when over time you could be free you could eventually meet someone who would never do that or be happy and single instead of questioning everything

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Been there done that. tit for tat doesn’t work. trust is almost impossible to gain back. The destruction to your self esteem is unreal. You have to feel beautiful for YOU. Not him. You have to be comfortable looking at yourself and know YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS. He has no excuse. And above all lay it all out there. make him feel and completely understand the pain he caused you. Make him ACCEPT the responsibility for the damage he caused.

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How do you know he hasn’t cheated since the 1st time. I learned cheaters when caught, get better at hiding it.
When there are no real consequences for such betrayal.

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It’s not going to be easy. The best way is to talk it out with him. Ask the questions you want answered. You can get through it. But it will be up to you both to work on it. Eventually you’ll joke about it. You’ll accept what he did and move on with your beautiful family. It’s not that you won’t get over it. It’s that you will learn to live with what he did and go forward. He’s Changing and that’s the best part. The girl didn’t look like you so ut does not mean your not attractive to him. You are. Dress a Lil different for yourself. Go do a photo shoot. Go out with the girls get hit on but turn the men down. Remember the bad beautiful women you are. Get your hair did nails new clothes chop your hair. Work through it how you want to. You’ll get there I promise as long as that’s what you want. This will either make you or break you. You got this. Keep your head held high.

Have you tried therapy? It could help. If he’s done a whole 180 turn around and proving his commitment. Maybe you need to vent to someone and get coping skills on how to move forward and maybe forgive and to lessen the hurt. Wish you well. Hugs and hope you can try to start again with finding the love u both once had.

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This is NOT the platform to ask a question as such. You need to seek counseling if you truly value your marriage. We all make mistakes, we are all broken. If he is presenting with remorse and asking for forgiveness don’t you think you should give him a second chance.

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Every couple is different some work it out some don’t. Some people are willing to work it out some are not. In the end noth parties have to be willing to put in the effort to work on it. It will never work out if it’s only one sided.

First thing’s first, the kids won’t be happy unless you guys are. This whole narrative that the kids won’t notice is bull :poop:. Kids are smart and they notice things. Second, if you want this to work try marriage counseling. If he doesn’t want to, you go to therapy for yourself. If you go that route, go to someone outside of your church (assuming you go) because YOU WILL NEED A FAIR AND UNBIASED OPINION. You can still find a religious therapist outside of church. Third, want to feel attractive? Start feeling attractive for yourself. Start doing things you love for yourself. For example, take some time to do your makeup :lipstick: or a bubble bath :bath: or shower. Go make a hair appointment, get new clothes. Do something that’ll make you attractive to you. Once you do that, you won’t need to feel attractive to him anymore. The chips will fall into place after that and it’ll just happen. Fourth, once you’ve done all these things and you’re still not happy then get a divorce. I’m not super religious but I think the Bible allows divorce on grounds of adultery or abuse. Do what’s best for you and I hope you keeps us updated!

Edited to add: if he doesn’t want to do the marriage counseling with you, that should let you know where he’s at and that should be a red flag :triangular_flag_on_post: to you. Therapy works so I hope you find someone compatible with you if you go that route.

Take a crib and James D can turn it into a bench

Don’t cheat on him just for revenge - you won’t like yourself after - if you want to make it work go to counseling- if you really don’t want to make it work then just be done

The more you make it a subject, the more it doesn’t go away. Try not making it a subject and maybe you can get over it.

Only you can answer this question. Lord of prayer counseling for you and him. You are correct your children deserve a family but you want it to be a happy family.

If you let him get away with cheating once…9/10 he’ll cheat again. The boundaries you lay down will show how he will treat you later. Good luck.

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Therapy therapy therapy. It does get better. You will never be able to forget it happened. I had a similar incident with my husband four years ago. We’re great now, but it took a lot of time and work. And I still have days where I think about it and get so angry upset. But it’s better. Talk to each other. Openly communicate your feelings. Make sure you want to stay with him for the right reason. Not just for the kids.

Maybe marriage counseling will help or just counseling for you, nothing wrong with that, just a way to process your thoughts and feelings in a productive way with a professional who can help

Know your worth darling

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I heard a study was done and couples who had an affair happen but stayed together, proved to be happier 5 years later, compared to the couples who split. In fact, the couples who split were not any happier in being separated and moving on, than they were in the relationship they left.

It will take time.
My husband and I divorced after he cheated. We had a son that was just a baby.
I truly believe coping with an affair is the hardest thing to endure in a marriage. But working through it is worth it in the end, compared to breaking up a family unit.
Unless he’s a repetitive cheater… but it doesn’t sound like this is the case.
I encourage you to work through it.
Best of luck!

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Leaving the toilet seat up is a mistake. Cheating is not a mistake.

No way you can be a good father and deliberately hurt the person that mothered your children.

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Your kids deserve a happy family whether you decided to forgive and stay or move on with them having 2 separate homes filled with love.

It will always be in your head And you’ll never forget From someone who’s been there!

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Leave him. Don’t waste your life away. It will never leave your mind ever. Trust will never be regained you’ll always wonder who’s texting him or what’s he doing when you’re not around. Leave and find love again. Kids want a happy mom weather it’s with or without him.

I’ve seen a couple go through a full blown affair and come out on the other side. It took some time, maybe a couple years. But if you’ve told your husband you forgive him and want to move forward from this, be sure that your actions are in line with that. Don’t hold his stuff over his head, don’t torture yourself by looking at her fb profile etc. As for feeling beautiful, try a whole day alone together with no phones, complete with a date night at home. It may just improve your intimacy

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100% therapy. Couples counseling is amazing and you can really get to the root of problems

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Monogamy doesn’t work most of the time

I wish you peace and all the great things in this world… :pleading_face::heart:

Been through an emotional affair for both for us actually. Him he was in a very very dark place and pushing me away. Me he emotionally kinda checked out for awhile and eventually I found attention elsewhere. One I’d recommend therapy both individually and marriage counseling. Two you have to learn to love yourself before someone else can love you and be comfortable in your own skin. Three it’s normal to fall out of love and it takes a lot of work to fall back in love. I’d recommend a week or weekend away together to reconnect. These aren’t things most people can understand until they’ve lived them and it’s not a fun club to be in but it’s real. You also can’t understand it until you’ve been in a long term relationship where you both love each other enough to not give up. Yes you deserve happiness but you have to find it within yourself first. I can’t tell you how many people I know had problems in their marriage but divorced and failed to fix their own issues then repeated the exact same problems in their next relationship and still can’t figure it out. The work needs to be done regardless if you leave or stay

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If you really want to stay with him, you have to forgive him. What if God hadn’t forgiven mankind? Really think about it. Good luck to you and your family.

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Because all the above mentioned issues i choose to let go it doesnt get better you may forgive but you will never forget thats what will torment you

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