How to make my ex step up and be a dad?

Okay so me and my kids father have been broke up 6 months now. We share a 7 month old daughter and 4 year old son together. When we were together he helped me with the kids. Now that we are split nothing. He won't watch them, buy them anything, or just put fourth any effort. I went 4 months without any help before getting childsupport. Now he's mad calling me thieves, the B word and everything under the sun because I'm supporting them and taking care of them alone. I know it's my job as a mother to care for my children but I feel like he should do his part also. He's mad because of childsupport and it's not enough to cover daycare expenses. I can't work because I have zero help from him and can't go back to work. What should I do? I feel stuck. He was toxic, abusive, narcissistic, and I left because I didn't want my son around it. I couldn't take it anymore.
68 Likes

You can’t force people to be a parent… do what you need to do to take care of your babies. Let him be mad. He can call you whatever he wants but he can’t call you a bad mom

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to make my ex step up and be a dad?

You cant make someone be something they are not.
You cant change a person

4 Likes

You’ve already got him on child support. Sadly you can’t convince or coerce a man to be a parent.

1 Like

Keep doing what you’ve been doing! F him!! You said he’s a narcissist and that’s what they do🙄 block his butt and keep it moving!

If he doesn’t have the intrinsic desire, it won’t happen. It was modelled to me, now it’s being done to me.

1 Like

Your not going to be able to get him to step up. Men like that never do. So just get use to doing it on your own.

1 Like

You cant love. It’s best just to forget about him and fill both roles until you find the right man

1 Like

You can’t make him be good dad . Let him be baby bec he not getting his away . You just live your life and injoy your life and kids Do not run after him to be there . If you need to go out get good friend or babysitting.

You can’t make someone be a father or want to be involved. And from what he sounds like it’s probably best he isn’t involved in your kids lives.

3 Likes

This is going to be hard to read but I was here myself and wanting and wishing the same as you… you CANT make him do anything that includes being there for you and your children financially, physically, emotionally, all the above. Men like him see nothing wrong with their actions and want the world to feel bad for them… that’s why he’s lashing out on you for child support.
Leave him be. Stop begging for his presence. Raise your babies in peace and with love away from toxic bullshit it may be hard I know it is I have 2 kids and was in the same position you were begging my oldest sons father to be there. Once I stopped begging and I let go… of the what IFs and the I wish this and that I was happier and so were my children….

You can get assistance from Des with daycare FYI …. That will help get back on your feet and get a job. Some women don’t even get child support and still have to do it on their own. It’s not right but unfortunately he’s already showed you who he is.

5 Likes

You can’t make them. my ex has never been there for our son

So tell him that he can either stfu and pay child support for the kids that HE helped create… Or he can sign his rights over.
Or… Just ignore him. He will eventually give up on the fit throwing b

Look into assistance programs. Unfortunately you can’t change him.

2 Likes

DHS…. Will pay for daycare. Have you applied for food stamps? Do what you have to go get on your feet and fuck him!

You either be a father or step the down. I really can’t understand how anyone could be a deadbeat parent. I mean I will be the first one to say that when my first son was born I wasn’t the greatest father but you bet your ass I stepped up. My kids are everything to me and its not just my wifes job to raise them its also mine as well.

1 Like

Don’t bother with him. He didn’t deserve you or them.

Took 7 years for my son’s dad to step up and it was 7 years off depression for my son. All you can do is what a strong mom does for their child and how the path leads you need to do what is best for the kiddo. I feel for you and I can’t answer straight and I’m being honest, but be strong and continue to be strong and the bigger person. Time will tell and that is the shitass part! Stay strong momma

You can’t force him and if you try to it could end badly for the children. It’s hard and will get harder, we’re built for it tho (my youngest was 5 when I met my husband) my daughter was 11 neither dad in the picture

Where theres a will theres a way. I was a single mom for 12 years worked went to school and all. Gotta let FITFO be your motto… Figure it the F out. It can be done. I promise

Wow! Putting your children first, well that speaks volumes. One day at a time. You do you and the kids. It may be a hard road but it’s sounds like things are not going to change anytime soon. Wishing you the best.

2 Likes

He’s deflecting his anger at himself towards you…bless his narcissistic heart.

2 Likes

Sorry to say but, he won’t step up. As a father he should want to help with his children. I’ve been a single parent since i was preg with our 2nd child. I tried to get him involved in kids lives but, never happened. I had to go thru CSA but, then he made it arkward n wasnt willing to pay…Enjoy all the rewards your children give you. Like my 2, they have realised what there “dad” is like.xx

1 Like

You can’t make him be a good dad but I would call your local dshs office and see if you qualify for childcare assistance they can help pay a majority of daycare costs depending on your income and you may have a small co pay. You should also apply for EBT as well and look into their job programs can be very helpful!

2 Likes

Unfortunately you can’t

Let him walk. It’ll be better for your kids than being exposed to a deadbeat that doesn’t want them.

2 Likes

Is it court mandated to pay yet?? Also, most states have assistance where they help with food stamps and child care. Good luck mama

Just get on with your life. Believe me you can’t do anything to make him be in your children’s life if he doesn’t want to be

You can’t make him be a dad and yes he should help financially. Get assistance where you can and take care of those babies tou can do it. I raised my son all alone with no support. It’s hard but you will grow amd be a great mother. You can do it. Be confident and strong for yourself and your children. Chin up young lady you can do it.

1 Like

You can’t make him do anything hun :pensive:

You cannot make man be father period
They have to want to

Unfortunately, besides child support, there’s really nothing else that he can be forced into.

You need to contact social services and see if you would qualify for child care assistance so you can work…
It takes both parents to support their offspring.
I’ve been a single mom before… It’s hard as hell but I figured that shit out. Because no matter how bad I hurt, the world didn’t stop turning for me.
It’s gunna get a hell of alot harder than first then it will get easier.
And well if he doesn’t want a part of your childrens lives, his loss.
Don’t force him. BUT make it known to him that he can see and talk to y’alls kids at any time. (i say this because when the children get older they will see who made the effort) and who didn’t.

I’m in the same boat, I make him feel like shit and he steps up. That’s horrible I know but it works for me anyways. Make sure he knows his kids miss him and they deserve a better father, don’t make you have to go find them a new one

You can’t make him do anything , cut him out and move forward

Also apply for rent assistance to help keep a roof over your head. He won’t be a father til he find someone else then he’ll rear his ugly head

You should claim child support but if he’s isn’t paying get help with day care until you can start working look into the fair start act that was just passed :raised_hands:t2::ok_hand:t2: ps you don’t want him their involved honestly I would file for full custody after six months of no contact that way if he gets a new girl friend who want to play house your kids don’t get dragged down with it ect

1 Like

You left him because he was toxic yet you want your kids around him. Just do what you can

3 Likes

You can try like hell to get him to help but you can’t force someone to be a parent… especially force him to actually be a dad. Is the child support court ordered? If it isn’t, I’d take him to court for it. I’d also apply for childcare assistance through the state as well. He will definitely be having to pay.

There’s nothing you can do but enjoy the time you have with your children. Don’t waste their life on him.
Look into daycare assistance. All us single mommas had to start somewhere.

Good riddance. If he is as bad as you say why would you want your kids around him.

2 Likes

You can’t force him to help if he doesn’t want too unfortunately,

Apple for chips to pay child care . O ce approved go get a job and show him what your made of !

You cannot make him step up. Being in a similar position, its time to step up and accept your new life as a single momma.
It sounds like he’s already on court mandated child support, which is good. Now look into assistance programs until you are back on your feet. Most states have child care assistance, rent assistance, food stamps ect.

If possible (I know its not for everyone) maybe reach out to family and/or friends to assist with child care.

3 Likes

You can’t make a man be a daddy just keep the door opened for him

Unfortunately, you cannot make him do the right thing. I’m in the same boat. Just keep doing what you need to do for those kids

Your kids are better off without him.

U can’t … just be a good mum… don’t ring him don’t text him don’t ask him for anything! Get your mom pants on and focus on you and your children now own it!

2 Likes

You really didn’t mention your part in this, as in, are your actions preventing him from being a parent? More often than not, dad’s don’t see their kids because the mother is a toxic control freak drama queen. Mother’s are quick to call dad’s deadbeats while they’re doing everything in their power to keep the dad’s away, all while getting that check. Children aren’t walking talking paychecks.

5 Likes

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to make my ex step up and be a dad?

Unfortunately all you can really do is get the child support he does give and some day you’ll find a man that will love those kids like his own and take care of them better than he ever did. But just be careful on who you choose to bring into their lives. I understand you don’t have much time for dating, you don’t need a man to do this mama. I have two kids under 2 and if their father left tomorrow, I would 100% go get a job and daycare money from the state. Use ALL the state help they will give. Food stamps, money for daycare, housing if you need it. It is there for a reason I promise there is not a damn thing wrong with it. If you have a car there are some great jobs out there, if you don’t, start somewhere close for small pay, first thing, save for a car, and move up to a job you are happy at, pays good, and will take care of your babies. You got this. They will see who was really there for them! Good luck mama :heart:

You can’t change him. Instead, focus your energy on improving your situation without him.

8 Likes

Unfortunately you can’t make him be a father :pensive:
You don’t need to take that, I would cut all communication completely if he won’t help you out… there’s literally no point. I’m in the same boat, I eventually had to get an avo because the abuse didn’t stop. I get no support other then daycare. I had to cut habits out, budget and go from there. Best thing I’ve done is started studying a course the days my son is at daycare. So by the time his at school I have something to fall back on. Only worry about the things you can control :heart:

13 Likes

This is too common unfortunately and I really don’t have the answer. However you can contact your cyfd and ask about childcare assistance! Your state may or may not have it, but I used it in NM. I was making $45k a year and although i made too much for free childcare, I only had to pay $325 a month for two kiddos to go full time while I worked.

2 Likes

If you don’t even want to be around him, why would you want your kids to be. Knowing how he treated you, he will treat the kids the same way when you ain’t there

12 Likes

you wont probably ever get more than child support. but you will have to go to work so you can make ends meet. you got this. you may have to apply for state assistance. but there are different programs to assist you.

8 Likes

He had a part in making those babies, he has a legal obligation to help financially support them.

If I were you, I’d tell him he doesn’t have to have anything to do with his children or you, the only thing is his legal obligation of child support, and that you’ll handle it yourself.
Then go and seek help from friends, your community (neighbors for example) and even your family if you have a good relationship with them.

It’s gonna be hard and I’m really sorry you don’t have the support from the man who helped create your children, but in the end… if he doesn’t want to be around, don’t force him. It doesn’t do you good to constantly fight with him, your children good to know when he’s around he doesn’t want to be, or even him good to be around what he doesn’t want to be. It’ll only stress you out, make your children feel hurt and sad, and him even angrier (which only makes it worse for you and your babies).

You’ve got this momma, stay strong and push through.

Congratulations on leaving such a toxic relationship. You will thrive out of it and so will your children. Keep focusing on the 3 of you. Seek.legal advice regarding his behaviour. I wish you all the best x

2 Likes

Take it from me, they don’t change. At least you’re getting child support I don’t get a dime. I’m just glad to have the abuse out of my life. Try to get daycare assistance, and go from there. I’ve even had to work at Walmart to make ends meet but you’ll have more peace of mind knowing you don’t have that piece of crap in your life

2 Likes

You can not make someone be a parent unfortunately. And idk where you live but I’m the United States there are programs through your state that will help pay for childcare based on income so you can work. And the tanf program that helped me get back on my feet as a single parent.

5 Likes

Most men ok now dontlikre child support but it’s their kids allso

You can’t force people to do the right thing…to be honest, i wouldn’t want people who I personally don’t want to be around having much influence on my kids :woman_shrugging: blood relation means nothing if they don’t care. Put time and energy into people who want to be there

There might be programs in the area that you live in that might be able to help
Please look into it

You can’t make him be a good dad. You should not even have to try . If he doesn’t want them do what you can to see he doesn’t have them cuz it doesn’t sound like he will be a good dad if he has to be a forced into it. He should want to be a great dad cuz there his kids. Doesn’t matter how the two of you feel about each other

If he’s a narc just wait till he pops up with a new girlfriend … that’s when he will want the kids .

8 Likes

You can’t. Don’t stress yourself worrying about it be the best mom you can be to your kids. And take care of yourself too

5 Likes

Can’t make him. And let him know being put on CS was his own fault for not helping on his own. Even if he is broke, he can still pickup the child for a day sometimes to spend time w her. Mom’s appreciate that as it gives them time to catch up or rest. If he wants to miss out on his child’s time and love that’s his loss but he needs to help out financially since she didn’t make that baby on her own! Daycare on its own can be $800 a month on top of rent utilities, vehicle/travel costs, food, diapers, phone, insurance etc! And advice to the ladies … if your man refuses to care for the kids he has w someone else, your kid w him isn’t any more special! As soon as he is bored w you & finds someone else, your kid w be forgotten too! If you know he has several kids that he does not see or pay for, don’t get pregnant by him!

So you left him bc you didn’t want your kids around him, now you do?:thinking:

You said yourself you didn’t want your son around the abuse so be glad he’s not. I escaped an abusive narcissist and believe me they do not change. Be glad y’all are free of him.

This has really worked and I am proud to testify of it. I saw a post on how a lady got her man back by Dr. bathsheba who helped her to get her Ex Husband back. My relationship was crashed down for 3 good years and some months. Although I never believed in spiritual work I reluctantly tried her because I was desperate but to my greatest surprise Dr. bathsheba helped me to bring back my husband and now my relationship is now perfect just as he promised. Getting your ex back permanently spell does not only bring back someone you love back,but it will also re-unite your lovers feelings for you to be as happy with that person as possible. My husband now treats me like a king and always say he love me all the time. If you are passing through difficulties in your relationship Email: [email protected] Com
WhatsApp phone number +447823705502

I mean, you can’t force him to be a dad. I would take that stress away. Can you get state assistant for daycare? Do not depend on CS. He can easily start working under the table and you not receive anything.

You can’t make a man do anything

There are usually child care assistance so your best bet is to look into that and get a job, you can’t live on child support which is why he’s probably thinking you are taking advantage of him. I know it isn’t fair, but mother’s got to do what they got to do.

1 Like

You will learn that your work life can’t depend on him and you’ll find another way u can’t make them step up but they can be financially responsible

Go to Dhhr apply for child care food card. HUD so you can work

You don’t you let them fuck up, its not worth your stress or the taking away from your child stressed about them. The child will know who is there 100% in every way. In the mean time chikd support… unless you could careless about it.

Go to your local YMCA. They have child care assistance to help you with their daycare. Find a job. Download the parenting app AppClose and tell him you will be blocking his number and he can communicate only through that app and about the kids. Do not take him off of child support. He can die mad about it. Stop thinking he’d ever going to be involved and work on being the best mommy you can be.

3 Likes

Why can you not go back to work? Have you called your state for childcare help, have you gone to the courts for help with child support if it’s not enough. I was a single mom for many years, I received 37.50 a month in child support and guess what! I worked and provided for my family. There are plenty of programs to help you get on your feet. Forget the past and put your big girl pants on and do what you have to do!

6 Likes

Let him go, your kids are better off

The only solution to your problem is getting a job. Im Alabama we have a jobs program. Check your state. They help you will daycare so you can get on your feet.

You can’t make anyone do anything they aren’t willing to do love. But there is plenty assistance out there! Housing, food, insurance, and day care assistance is provided by the government to help women and men in situations like these. Start by googling your state and foodstamps and that should lead you to your state’s government assistance website. Personally, I would call. If you do they can sign you up for all the assistance you need. You will have to provide documentation of bills and statements regarding who all is living with you so be prepared for that. If you need any help, please reach out to me! I dont mind helping you find the resources you need at all❤ you got this momma!

Feel this :100:, minus the child support issue. It doesn’t get easier or better. I’ve been divorced for 5 years and he’s still crap. I’m sure he tells his family that “you won’t let him see them” though, right? Sorry you’re dealing with this too.

1 Like

You want his help so you can work but you don’t want your son around him? I’m sorry, just a little confused. Could you not apply for daycare subsidy?

Well seeing as how you ‘cant work because of the kids’, which is a lame excuse, there are programs out there rhat can help you. Get to calling, ask, reach out,start applyibg for jobs. Start with the state. Time to step up and be a mama and help support the kids you both created. He is paying child support so thats a great start. Unfortunately you CANT force him to step up.

3 Likes

When there’s a will there’s a way. Be creative & resourceful. There are plenty of options for working & childcare. Many ppl have been in your position & found a way.

You did what you had to with child support. Honestly there is nothing you can do to make him step up. He’s going to have to want to do it and right now he rather be selfish. I wouldn’t even talk to him unless it’s about the kids. I know it’s hard but you made the right decision leaving him. You can look into getting help from the state for day care so you can work and other things that will help you ease your financial burden. I hope things start getting better for you :heart:

I’m glad I’m did chase my ex I rather be a single parent with out the dads help

2 Likes

My sons dad moved to cali we live in Ohio he has the 3rd weekend of every month 6 to 6p the first week of June July and August we divorced in 2014 he my son was being picked up every summer until 2 years ago when his grandma passed away his dad hasn’t even called him since…
My daughters dad don’t come around either but his girlfriend does she comes and picks my kids up takes them to lunch shopping what every they want to do…
Don’t be bitter if tht man wants to be there let him bc id beg and plead and mine still wouldn’t do what it is they should is stead my sons dad asked me to put my baby on a plain alone and send him no sir if u want ur child u will shoe up and pick up just as ur paper state

You seriously want him spending time with your kids? You’ve got to give your head a shake.
Time to buck up and be prepared to raise the kids on your own. I got sole custody and my ex had zero access. My kids were 2 and 6 yrs old and I was recovering from breast cancer.
Get back to work’ it’s time.

3 Likes

I know how you feel. I raised my kids all their lives still am 4 of them by myself with no help from dads either. It can be done. If there is a will there is a way. There are times I worked 3 jobs at once to support us and keep us afloat. There are job programs, child care vouchers, food banks, township trustees, you gotta do what you gotta do love and keep pushing forward.

You can’t “make him step up”.
That’s a choice on his part.
You’re a single parent. Wrap your head around that and move on.
You can’t work because you have children???
Stop it. That mind frame will hold you back your entire life.
Millions of parents do it every single day!!
He is toxic, abusive and narcissistic and yet, you still chose to have children with him.

You are not a victim. Figure it out.

8 Likes

Shan Wilson she said he was abusive, narcissistic and toxic…she left because she didn’t want their children (primarily her 4 yr old son) around it… I’d be questioning why she would even want his help or want him around the children at all if that’s what he did upnfront of them. And 2 he offered no help not even financially for 4 months. How can any parent NOT provide financially at all whether they see their children or not…but worse, how can a parent complain about having to help provide financially for their children. Shouldn’t it bring you comfort knowing your children are being provided for?.. I highly doubt she’s going to go through with wasting her time making an anonymous posts making these claims if she infact was preventing him from being a father. Oh and lastly, pretty sure this page/group name says Mamas Uncut and from what it sounds like you are not a Mama :wave:t4:

1 Like

You can’t make anyone step up and be a dad or mom…

The fact you want an abusive man to watch your children so you can work is wrong!! He could hurt those kids

4 Likes

Put the child to school a free pre-K go to a daycare and see if you can get work and your child should be able to go for scholarship for free.

Also some counties have a program we’re starting six months they will pay for daycare for your child it’s a partnership for children type thing.

As the mom no excuse. You can’t blame the man for you not being able to work.

Also after that you cloud try to get on in the school system that way your out of work when the oldest one is… for the most part.

1 Like

We cannot force anyone to be a good parent and frankly if he was horrible to you causing you to leave, and now is acting as though he doesn’t want to be a part of his kids lives why on earth would you want to force it?

This sound very similar to my parents story. My mom forced my dad to do the parenting thing (through court) and it was incredibly damaging to me and my siblings - we grew up in so much trauma. Your ex is telling you he doesn’t want this, please do not subject your kids to a parent that doesn’t want to be one. If I were you I’d forget about him and focus on you and the kids. There are more ‘work from home’ jobs now than ever. I know it feels impossible but it isn’t. Start by changing your mind frame to a positive one - you are a strong momma, you are the one those precious babies look to for guidance. You can do this!!!

3 Likes

Doesn’t sound like someone that should be around your kids. The hard part about this is you can’t get daycare assistance if you’re not working and you can’t work unless you get daycare assistance.
Apply for whatever programs you can to get back to work and in my case I had to pay out of pocket for daycare until my assistance application was approved but I was able to do it on my own.
If he’s paying child support but doesn’t want to be around the kids then it’s probably for the best and that may be all you ever get out of him.

When he wants to be a father he will, not much you can do for a man that doesn’t care about his children. You being there for your kids is what they need right now!

Embrace your inner Elsa- let that a$$ go!

You & the kids are better off alone, it’s tough but you will make it- let the state do its job & keep records of his abusive language towards you!