My husband of two years and I have decided to get a divorce considering all we do is fight and argue. He has a house that he can live in for his job. And I have to completely restart. And I’m not sure where to begin. He is going to have our four yo and one yo one week, and I am going to have them another…
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Why are you quitting so early??? Have you tried counseling??? Grass seems greener on the other side…but it’s not!
In the beginning it is very hard but you will learn to live your new life and move on and it’ll be hard for the kid in the beginning I wish you all the luck
But believe me it is very hard
Know thyself every step of the way.
I started twice all over again, without anything. With two kids. I even studied and had a job.
Let yourself be angry, mad, cry,… But also see the little things you’ve achieved by yourself during your days… It takes time, but you will grow even taller and more loving towards yourself and your choices every step of the way❤️
Start with financial clearance and invest in your own future…
Im sorry that’s happening but since I’ve been there I kindly suggest you get at least the custodial portion of this overseen by a court. You may have verbally agreed but anything can happen with that. If its formalized everyone is protected
Just over arguing your quitting ummmmmm ok.
Get a journal & write down all your ups & downs It helped me
I’ve started over more than once
One day at a time. First you relearn everything you got used during relationship, concentrate on bettering you and your life. Socialize! Let yourself hurt but don’t get stuck there. Feel your emotions and let them go so you don’t carry them around for long. I’m sorry you’re going through it. Always deal through court or it can get ugly(I know from personal experience, I was nice so I didn’t get court involved and didn’t get a dime for 12 years, but he constantly lied and said negative things about me to kids and people around). Write down everything, everything said ,done ,etc. Be civil and politically correct, no more arguing. Vent to a friend if you have to. Hugs and Good luck
Stop and think of what you are arguing over as it may be something you can change and if not just think you will have a new place to have things the way you want and start thinking where the two of you went wrong so you don’t repeat it if you decided to remarry.
The weeks you don’t have the kids… go hang out w girls friends or start a hobby …
It’s hard but just stick to your guns momma. Kiddos are so much happier when their parents are happy. They pick up on so much more than we realize! There are a lot of programs to assist to get you on your feet.
Try “separating” -don’t make anything Final. A week, 2…3. And see if you are both ok w it. Maybe you’ll see the LOVE BOND can’t be broken!!! Never make anything Permanent until you are 200% sure!!!
You’ve been married for 2 years so think about where you were before him, get yourself back to that. Work, get an apt or stay with family, the parenting plan and everything will coexist with the divorce.
My son’s father and I finally called it quits after three years. We did not want our son to grow up with parents that were bitter and angry and decided it would be best to separate before it got any worse. I found a house for rent that I could afford and it ended up being in the same neighborhood. Our son stays at my house every evening and I take him to daycare in the mornings, and his dad picks him up from daycare every day and gets the afternoon with him. We alternate weekends. For the longest time, I felt stuck and like I couldn’t do it on my own so there was nothing I could do but stay there unhappily. But that wasn’t true. It was a struggle in the beginning and hard to adapt to doing it on my own, but I have made it and it was worth it. We get along 100x better now than we did together, and our son is happy. It will work itself out, momma. You’ve got this.
Neither of you gave it any kind of a chance to survive!! Looks like no effort was put into the relationship before throwing it in the fire!! Go back and start again—that’s the only way to find out!!
Take a deep breath… just remind yourself you can get though this. Just remember to not talk negatively about either parent in front of the kiddos. Try to coparent as best as you can. When your kiddos see y’all being civil to one another they will be happier in the long run.
I would get an agreement in writing for your custody arrangements, even if it’s amicable. Can you stay with parents or a friend until you’re able to find a place? It’s always difficult starting over, but better than being unhappy! Good luck!
Please get a custody agreement on this since y’all agree to week on and week off. You could think he’s being civil then one day he might decide to not give you your kid back until it’s taken to court anyways. Just be on the safe side.
The amount of people who said you haven’t tried long enough baffles me! I wish I had left two years in because it didn’t get better at all! Instead I left at 9 and the kids are suffering for it. I just try to keep busy honestly. That’s really all you can do.
It’s a hard pill to swallow been through it, and it damn near consumed my life!!! I was soooo depressed!!! It may not seem right now that things are going to be okay, because they’re not!!! You have to go through the grieving process and find ways to try to heal, or move on little by little, because eventually your going to pull it together enough to realize that you were better off alone than in an unhealthy marriage Good luck and remember to remain strong in front of your babies they need you more than ever!!!
Sometimes it’s best to let go!
Wow I cant believe these comments about her marriage/divorce. She asked how to move on not save her marriage. So what its been two years. If they arent happy and all they do is argue it IS a toxic environment for the kiddos. They pick up on so much more than anyone realizes.
You can move on from this. But as someone mentioned I would definitely get the custody order thru the courts so everyone is covered. Good luck in the future!
You focus on each step ahead of you and the next breath you need to take. Give your kids lots of love and attention. I found at that age for my kids, a week away from me was too much so we started doing 2/2/3 days which was much better. It took about 6 months for them to settle. Take care of you and the kids, that’s all that matter. Do what you can and let the rest of for now. You can do this, mamma! Before long, you will look back and although you might not know how, you will see how far you’ve come. Accept help. Get the necessities for second hand stores until you can replace them.
You won’t be the same person as before you were married to him, so don’t have the idea you will. The best thing to do is to work on yourself and you’ll start feeling better, do things you stopped doing while married, get your hair and nails done to boost your self esteem. Get your own source of income if you weren’t working while married. Having a week off every other week seems like it’ll be hard at first it’s the same agreement I had with my sons, but after getting into the flow of it you’ll come to appreciate and enjoy your you time every other week and give you a chance to do things you haven’t got to do with young children. Don’t worry about dating or meeting men it’ll just complicate things until you feel like yourself completely and are happy by yourself, it’ll lead to a codependency.
First of all, I’m sorry to hear that and I know how hard it is. A few recommendations:
- If you can get your husband to do it, I highly recommend you do something like Conscious Uncoupling. You are going to have to work together as co-parents the rest of your lives and the better that you can communicate and get along, the easier both of your futures will be.
- Develop a “divorce story” to both tell your kids. How did you meet, what brought you together to have your kids, and why did you get divorced. In a way that doesn’t blame one person and doesn’t poison the kids against one parent. I can speak from experience of having kids getting older and asking questions of both parents, that it helps to be on the same page now if possible.
- If he earns more than you do, then he will likely owe you some child support and possibly some spousal support to help you get restarted.
- Start with a budget to write out all of your expenses so you know how much you will need in order to get by.
- Ask family for help if you can as you transition.
- Focus on doing things you enjoy and spend time with friends when you don’t have your kids.
Good luck on your transition and your next phase of life!
Make a relationship that works for you him and the kids!
Start doing things for yourself. Stay close to family. Visit people family friends that care and love you do those things you’ve wanted to do but didn’t because you were married. Take pride in your own place. It’s yours
The best way to move on is to properly grieve your relationship. Feel the hurt, and don’t try to hide the emotions. Time heals. As cliche as that sounds, it’s true.
One day at a time and tell yourself every morning “you can do this”
Good for you!!! You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy and not fighting all the time!!!
Get a job. Set money aside for savings. You can do it.
My son is in same situation his wife left him with 4 kids age 6-13 for her affairs and bs. What mom leaves her kids wtf
That’s a lot of going back&4th for the kids. Seems like be a lot of confusion for them. Good luck
Self care. Take care of yourself. Get your hair done, join the gym, take a class, and take it one day at a time
It’s awful. I HIGHLY suggest counseling first. Your kids will be basically living out of suitcases and you will feel more guilty than you know. It won’t be easy but it may be possibly to find the spark that made the two of you want to marry in the first place.
My and my children’s father do one week on one week off we live close by to each other by choice and we’ve been doing it for almost 4 years. We have no issues with them.
I know it’s hard to start over mama but you can do it. It takes time but you can.
So sorry, I can’t give advice on marriage, but it’s refreshing to hear a birth mother not sound bitter and being difficult about custody. You can print off fillable blank custody papers and do them yourself. We did this and all you do is agree on schedule sign with notary and file for judge to see and approve( in TN). I know you have a long road and it is so hard but the best you can do at this point is start working on a co parent situation. 50/50( as long as parents are fit) is fair and how it should be. You are an adult but your kids will be affected by every choice you make. Their happiness will be tied to their family so the best you can do is be civil, no trash talk, no going crazy over a girlfriend , be fair, pick your battles. Soon will you learn that everyone in the situation has to bend and give. There will be fights, & tears, but if you can get along and have some sort of healthy co parent relationship then your kids will thrive. Do what is best for you. Make sure you are treating yourself right. Whatever self care you need then go for it. You will feel like you are drowning with all you will have going on but just remember you got this. Good luck and kuddos to you for not making dad’s life hell just because your relationship is ending. A whole new relationship is fixing to start and it will be the most important yet. You have to raise the kids together and being a parent is for life
It is tuff on kids to go back a forth week to week. Please please think of the kids
My ex husband and I were married for a little over 3 years. When we decided to call it quits we had 2 small children. I left the marriage with nothing (I was a stay at home mom). I got a job, got on my feet and got a place for us to live. I had to start completely over with nothing. When your babies need you, you know you have to do what it takes to take care of them. We also do week on week off, which I absolutely hate (in my own selfishness, I hate being away from my kids that long) it’s taken a long time to adjust, for all of us. I wish you luck, because from experience it’s not easy. But just know it will get better with time
I agree Back-and-forth is so hard
That’s to complicated on the kids ,
Put your kids first, they get the house. Get a 2 bedroom apartment and both of you pay half the bills on both places and then keep the kids at the house and y’all go back and forth to the apartment each week. Since it is 2 bedroom you each have a bedroom! That way the kids don’t have to go back and forth and y’all wont both have to have everything for the kids at 2 places!
Sorry to hear… After 2 year’s only it must have been really bad.
I think you should try to see if you and the kids can stay in the house and he goes and finds somewhere else to live. That would be much easier.
For everyone here saying that its too hard on the kids…. The kids would rather have happy parents instead of parents “stuck together” because of them. Trust me.
Just an FYI for the ones saying it’s hard or complicated- a lot of states are implying that visitation order- it was applied in my case and many others- the judge ordered one week on and one week off and my kids actuallly adjusted much better than I could have imagined - it was actually harder on me than it was them.
Before considering a divorce maybe spend less time together and it can help the relationship
You take it one minute at a time then one day at a time. Its tough but way better than them seeing fighting all the time. The kids will be ok. Schedule is best for them. Ours is every other weekend and its hard to have a good schedule. I wish it was a week at a time. And when they become school age you can change things a bit to fit around them and school. Kids are smart and they will adapt. They just need to know that your both there for them and they are loved. Working together is what will make it easier for the kids.
A good support system, that way you can work if you dont already. Asking people for help is not a weakness. And nothing is permanent also once you split you still have to work on getting along for that kind of schedule work. Its not easy. Maybe if you haven’t tried couples therapy, try it before you split cause things can change.
Divorce is going to be hard on you especially the week you don’t have the kiddos. I don’t know if ya’ll have tried marriage counseling (if there was no physical abuse) or not, but maybe taking a break from each other if you are able to may put things into a better perspective.
My grandson has been doing this one week with Mom one with Dad for 4 years now. He is much happier his parents fought all the time now they do not fight anymore and he loves being in both households. The divorce was okay he is very well adjusted and is happier living were there is no arguing and tension. Good luck try to stay cool, calm, collective, This too shall pass.
Let yourself feel all the feels and realize you will grieve in stages over and over again. But you will heal! One day at a time. Focus on you and your child. Take care of your mental health. Get counseling for yourself and child if needed.
I had to restart after building 14 years with someone. I wish you the best because it’s been over 2 years for my divorce and still struggling with restarting
If i was you, i would find a place in the same school district in order to make it easier on everyone next yr. Wish you all the luck.
Back and forth might be hard but fighting in front of the kids is worse
Try getting the leach of an ex husband off your back while trying to move on. I couldn’t get far enough away, but he has used to courts to take as much from me as possible. What should have been a less than 6 month divorce turned into 2 years and he uses the kids as weapons to get back at me for leaving. Just can’t fix crazy!
Don’t give up the house
Keep in mind when the 4 yo goes to school it might have to change unless you both live in the same school district. Take it one day at a time and good luck you can do this even if you think you can’t.
Same area, as the child will go to daycare, school, etc
Goodness Have you tried marriage counseling? Marriage is a give and take and sometimes you go through some very rough patches, hopefully you don’t fight in front of the kiddos. I think you owe it to you children to do all you can to have them grow up in a United family. Hopefully you are able to work through and hold on to your family.
I started over after a 22-year marriage. Got an apartment and bought all new stuff. It will feel weird for awhile, especially when you don’t have the kids. Learn to enjoy the silence and emotional freedom. You might be surprised by how much you enjoy alone time. Keep friends and family closeby for support. There will be some lonely times, but in time you will feel liberated. Best of luck to you!
I hope you guys still make it work. You have two very small children, maybe you guys get stressed out and overwhelmed at times and start arguing. You need to try to handle the situation different
I would reconsider and try to work it out. Single mom is very hard and very hard on the children also. Tell him you are staying and if he don’t like it tell him to leave.
There’s a lot of programs out there that can help. I would start by contacting your local human services office and seeing what you might be able to apply for. It doesn’t have to be permanent by any means. I left an extremely abusive and controlling relationship with nothing but my clothes, my car, 3 kids and not a penny to my name. I had to ask for assistance. But I worked my ass off to get off of that assistance. I didn’t want it in the first place but I knew I needed it. Took about a year or 2 to fully get on my feet and off all assistance and now 9 years later I’m a home owner and business owner! All it takes is hard work and determination! Also I would get a notarized agreement of custody arrangement for your own protection
Are you both planning to live within the same school boundary? Once the kids start school, they will attend the school where the primary residence is. The arrangements you are talking about makes neither of you primary resident . If you do live in the same boundary area, how will transportation to and from school be done? You can’t change buses every week. I guarantee there will be mix ups on which bus which week. The schools will not be able to keep up with what the schedule is each week. Unless you both plan to drive your child every morning and afternoon. Or, you may have to use school based for care mornings and afternoons. Then whoever has the kids that week is responsible for drop off and pick up and the school doesn’t have to keep track of your schedules.
Not meant to be critical, but something to consider.
You are the mother why don’t you take the kids because he can go to court and say she up and left the kids with me I would reconsider what you are doing and work thinks out but if you don’t want the kids why did you have them if you are keeping them with the dad
Couldn’t you just seperate for awhile n see how that goes
A lot of try and fix it but sometimes it’s not doable . I’m dealing with this right now , stay save up and move to a safe home convenience for you and your children , maintain boundaries that will stay once you leave and keep it simple . Do not entertain anything that’s not helpful to you and the kids leaving and having a good co existing-with the dad
I can tell you it’s not easy I have been divorced for several years. It gets easier each year. In my situation we were constantly moving due to my ex changing jobs we never were in a stable situation. Once I moved away I purchased my first home own my car and my children are in every sport they want to be in. They are happy to be in a stable place and have a house to call home and they are happy they don’t have to move and make new friends. My ex and I fought a ton it’s not healthy for anyone in a home when there’s constant arguing it makes things tense. Just make sure you give your child lots of love and be there for all their events big or small and it will mean the world to them! Divorce may not be for everyone and it’s not easy but for my situation it couldn’t have worked out better. Best of luck to you!
Why can’t you just work it out. It’s rough on little kids. You must of liked each other in the beginning. Do things together.
It’s tough and all I can say is take it one day at a time. Don’t rush your life or emotions take your time and make sure you heal. I promise it gets easier. Love on your babies a little extra and you’ll be able to make it through it all.
Follow the court order to the T
Sounds like he needs to get you started in a place because of your children
2 yrs isn’t much time to learn about each other, IF you can, try to work it out before divorce. Doesn’t mean you have to live together. Maybe try counseling or just try “dating” each other again. There was something that brought you two together, maybe you can find it again??
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I would start at social services. Get all the help you can! Depending on what state you live in,and the programs they offer, also ask about how to get yourself AND your kids an advocate to help you through the process. Even peer counselors would be very beneficial for you and the children. Good luck
If he doesn’t provide you & your children with a roof over your head & help you out then kick his ass to the curb, go to court & take him for everything he makes… what a POS
I’m not divorced but I am in the same situation. After 7 1/2 years, I have decided to leave my children’s father. The issue, everything is in his name and so is the house. Or custody agreement is we get them every other week. But I have to start from scratch. Trying to find a place is horrendous! It’s so stressful! The whole situation is so messed up. I feel for you and I hope and pray everything works out for you and your babies. All I can say is keep faith, rely on your close friends and family in your time of need. God bless!
Marriage counseling or even just counseling to be able to co parent and get along even if yall still divorce or maybe for you to help u process it and heal
Maybe try counseling first if that is an option? I know it wasn’t an option for me and I left him 8 months after getting married I was going to leave a month before the wedding but had people convincing me to stay and work it out. He was mean and nasty.
However bickering/fighting every once in awhile is normal in relationships. As long as y’all aren’t doing it in an abusive manner.
Communication is key. If theres no communication happening this causes fights and arguments. You have to be mature about conversations and being open with each other. Look at the things that need work and work on them together. Going straight to divorce is probably not the answer unless there was cheating and such going on.
I don’t think I would throw in the towel after 2 years of marriage unless there was some serious abuse or infidelity issues. Since you have a 4 yo I’d assume you have been together at least 5 years. If you made it last those first 3 without problems, and enough to have another and get married, I’d say there might be something there. Try counseling first. You are going to need it anyway if you guys do divorce.
Two years? Marriage is an adjustment. No one masters it in two years. I’d find a way to work on it, after all I’m sure you’ve had shoes and underwear longer than two years…
Everyone argues and fights. Do the bads outweigh the goods so much so that divorce is the answer?
If you have to… start slow. Don’t beat yourself up if you have to live with a family member or friend while you find a job and or save up to get yourself an apartment or house depending on your situation
Don’t go into divorce without a lawyer. This is a very important consideration, and your future and that of the kids can be seriously impact the future.
Hey… remember it’s you two against the problem not you to against eachother
I’ve listened to teenagers speak about how disruptive it was to change houses every week or every few days as children.
If you are restarting and he is staying in the house. I wouldn’t do 50/50. You need the full child tax. If its 50/50 the child tax is split down the middle.
These days I hear of couples divorcing after a year or two. Many older older couples have been married 40, 50 even 60 years.
Marriage is TOUGH. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies. The honey moon stage doesn’t always last
I wouldn’t just quit. Y’all used to love each other.
Counseling, with the right counselor , will help
I’m in the same boat… starting over with absolutely nothing….
Work on things that are broken instead of junking it
I found a church that gave Divorce Care classes. I paid $12 is all and it was a bug help. Most Baptist churches have it.
Time will heal you! Enjoy the alone time, go out and do things for you that you weren’t able to do before! My divorce finalized a couple months ago, that 50/50 custody is a blessing in disguise, I promise
Golly gee 2 years married ?? No love ? I thinking first 10 years you are so in love .