I was hoping to get some advice on healing after your partner had an affair. i found out in February my husband was having an affair. he swears it was only emotional but based on some of the messages I found I’m not sure if I believe it. the night i found out i sent the messages to her husband. she told her husband she was leaving him for mine. when she told my husband that he responded by saying he didn’t want to be with her and he was sorry for leading her on he just enjoyed the attention he was getting from her. I’m still really emotinal about it all. i thought we had a great marriage. while I’m having more good days than bad now I’m still having trouble “getting over it” will this feeling ever go away? I’m so hurt and feel betrayed and I don’t think things will ever be the way they use to. idk if im wasting my time trying to be happy with him, maybe we should just seperate and stop wasting time OR maybe I will eventually be able to put it behind me and things will be as great as they use to be. anyone whose been through this have any advice? please tell me it gets better
That’s something no one can honestly tell you… You will have a bunch of negative Nancy’s and an equal bunch of Betty do rights telling their experiences. Honey that’s all up to you on how you proceed. Only time will tell you can either move past it for the sake of your own peace and sanity orrrr you can hold on to it for you own misery with or without him know you are worthy and valuable and stand on that if you have nothing else. Take heed on the opinions given but ultimately make your own healing decisions
I’m so sorry, that’s sounds devastating.
I think couples therapy is needed here.
Also he needs therapy because there is obviously something he needs to talk about behind close doors.
I pretty much think men or women who cheat are selfish. If they cant buck up and try to fix a relationship or tell there partner they want something else. They are not to be stayed with at all.
Sounds like he might do it again when hes not open about it all.
I tried for 2.5 years only to find out he continued cheating - it got so bad with so many woman I tried ending my life i questioned everything- why I wasnt enough … What happened… Will he stop… Whatcan I do to ve better… Its hard to forgive or forget… It takes a lot. I did therapy and everytjing and all kt did was bring up pain … You have to reallg look down jn you to see if you can move on from this. It takss a lot
Happened to me I was married 30 yrs never left him now I’m a widow he passed if u and him really luv each other forgive n forget n move on with your lives
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Is this really want to live?
Leave him. If your attention wasn’t enough for him he’ll do it again
Just know i could never go to bed with someone that cheated on me. Physical or emotional; it doesn’t matter
If youre having second thoughts thats a sign. Don’t suffer in silence while he thinks everything is good
Honestly I dont know ur relationship for me it was I gave more chances than I should and was continually cheated on. But ur married maybe marriage counseling would help.
You can never go back and get the trust you once had. Everytime he’s 15minutes late. Or someone calls late, its just no good sorry. If You can forgive thats good, but forget, never.
Sit down with you’re husband and have a very serious discussion about the situation .Just tell him how you really feel and go from there.
When my husband and I went to therapy for infidelity, my therapist told me “You have a choice to make: you can accept what’s been done and move on with your relationship or you can end the relationship but no one can tell you which choice to make. However, if you choose to work through this, you have to totally move on from it. You cannot agree to forgive and then constantly bring it up to ask or talk about, that will never allow you both to move on. You will be stuck in this standstill until it eventually tears you two apart” it was a very difficult decision to make but one that I do not regret to this day. It has taken a long time and a lot of tears but we worked through it. Some couples can and some couples can’t but you are the only one who can make that choice.
Coming from personal experience both people need to be open to their own faults. The blame game wont help and will only cause further destruction.
The two of you together are the only ones who can decide if the relationship is worth fighting for.
I’m very sorry this happened and hope that regardless of what you both decide you are able to find peace.
Just end the relationship.
You will honestly never get over it.an I’m a firm believer that once a cheater will always be a cheater. Life is way too short to give yourself to a man that looks else where. GD luck to you.
You really need to have this conversation with him. Figure out together what the best plan can be going forward. Maybe try marriage counseling.
In my opinion, an emotional relationship is worse than a purely sexual one. He betrayed your trust. There is a reason he went looking elsewhere. Get out of there.
You can forgive but you don’t forget and he needs to prove to you that he is truly sorry and wants to fix things and that means being completely transparent with everything. Couples counseling can help get to the heart of things and he needs to be honest about why he did this but if nothing changes and he doesn’t open up and work on this with you and you find that he is being sneaky again then it’s time to leave.
I think you are gullible and are accepting “his” story. Be your own person - watch out for YOU!! (and feel free to put him to the curb OR, get him to take a lie detection test.
Try counselling if you want to try again, but remember how far he was willing to string this woman along for just the arrention.
LEAVE dont be naive this wont be the only time. I’m sure theres been others you just dont know it
Do u have kids dear?..just talk it over with him heart to heart…
No. The feeling of not being good enough will always rain on you. Just remember it is him that messed up and didnt realize what a great woman he has right in front of him. If he has already done this, he will do it again.
Tell him to hit the fucking pike
I would end it too. Once a cheater always a cheater and you will never be able to trust him
8 years have gone by since my man cheated and I still have pain from it.
Sadly, I never got “over it” in my past marriage. It all started the year we married, unfortunately I stayed in hopes to believe it was just emotional… I stayed for our kids. I believed that’s what I was lacking surely I can fix and move on. Nah. That didn’t work. Realized it was never me, but him. He was never happy with our marriage with led him elsewhere, often. After 10 terrible years it ended. One of the most liberating life changes I embraced.
Emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating for me…
Emotional cheating is worse than physical in my opinion… I dont think that is something that I could ever get over. Maybe try marriage counseling if you want to try and salvage your marriage. I told my husband from the beginning that cheating is not something I will ever tolerate no matter how much I love him. Good luck
Similar situation. I had to eventually get out of the relationship. I couldn’t get over it. And he become so sneaky. When their caught they just learn to be more careful to not get caught again.
Trust is major, once it’s broken there is always doubt. The only way you can move forward is forgiveness. If you know you can’t truly forgive you should separate.
You guys will never go back to what was, but if you are both 150% committed to moving forward, then I think you both need to sit down’and have a very serious talk about everything. Lay out all the feelings. Talk, share and listen to each other. I’m sorry this happened. But it is possible to move forward from this together. Maybe even some couples therapy would help sort out all the emotions. Having someone completely natural to the situation, and who is professionally trained to help may be a good idea. One thing that’s crucial, is accepting what was done, and making the choice to move forward together as a couple. You both need to be on the same page. Communication needs to be HUGE and so important. If you do choose to move on together, you also have to completely move on from what happened. Dont use it against him later on. Dont bring it up in a negative situation (like if having an argument or disagreement). You must forgive and let go.
Emotional affairs are worse than physical affairs, I’m my opinion
I don’t think it is possible to get over something like that. If you can’t trust someone then the relationship will never work.
Ask yourself if you love him like God loves you I am not a religious person. That love is unconditional forgiving. Will you ever get over it that’s up to you you have to let the action of his mistakes go. It will get easier get some counseling if not for you both together then for you to talk to someone unbiased and who maybe able to answer your doubt.
You’ll get over it but then it will always be in the back of your mind
If he did it once…he will do it again. I know because I have been where you are.
He will do it again, go on with your life without him… otherwise you will wonder and be miserable. You deserve happiness, not to be tortured daily!!!
Eventually you’ll put it behind you, but you’ll never forget
Truth be told I never could get past it. I tried and tried and he continued to cheat. So after 5 years I decided I deserved better and left
I don’t know if that can ever be the same. You’ll always wonder, always question. I don’t know sis only you can decide if what you have is worth salvaging. That would be difficult for me I’m not sure I could do it.
I always find it funny when people say, “i want things like they used to be” after an affair. No, things will never be the same and you don’t want it to go back to the way it used to be. He had an affair because something was missing. He wasn’t getting something he needed from you. I’m not saying its your fault, but you need to get to the bottom of why he cheated and go from there. Trust takes a long time to earn back especially after that trust has been broken. Counseling might be in order. I wish you luck.
It won’t get better I’m sorry to say once a cheater always a cheater… Your pain will eventually go away when you forgive him but you will never forget.
Get out while you still can your life will go on & get better each & every day.
Your relationship may survive, but it will never be the same. You will question things for a very long time that you never did before, and the lack of trust will put you at odds with each other, because you won’t trust him again until well after he feels that you should. Good luck
I think you can move on from this but it has to be on YOUR time. He must do whatever he needs to to EARN the trust back. If it means hes checking in every 30 mins, you have unlimited access to phone records, no going out, whatever it takes to earn the trust that he broke. If after all that, you still have doubts then I would move on. But at least at the end of the day you can say that you did everything and tried to get past it. I can’t say “once a cheater always a cheater”, I think people can change but it’s not common. I think people do it again because they think they can get away with it bc people just try to forget it. You have every right to be upset and not trust him. But be realistic with yourself and honestly think about if you can eventually get past this. Only you know yourself and your husband. Good luck!
I’ve been threw that but I so stupid I held on and keep him now we are separated I should of walk away the first time so my advice leave now. Don’t wait they will only keep doing it over and over as long as you allow shit to go on good luck
If this is the 1st time he’s “cheated”, then MAYBE he’s learned from his mistake. How much effort is he putting into earning your trust back will tell you if he’s actually sorry. Even bending over backwards for you doesn’t guarantee it won’t happen again because obviously he has an ego problem, but another chance is warranted. Luna listed some great pointers. ( No getting pregnant in the next few years though, just in case he’s a repeat offender)
You can forgive but you will never forget … but he needs to know that if your going to try to work through this number 1 ) it’s going to take time for you to trust him again 2) his number should be changed so she has no way of connecting him again as well as her number needs to be forgotten 3) everything needs to be put out in the open completely honest with each other and no passwords on phones 4) maybe if need seek counseling but yes you can work through it if your both welling to put in the effort
What a tough situation. I feel for you and I really wish you healing for your marriage. I’ve been in your situation and it is devastating. Unfortunately in my case my ex husband wasn’t willing to put work in the relationship and kept cheating so eventually we divorced but I do believe that things can work out if both of you want to keep together and still love each other.
I advice couples counseling and also therapy for yourself. Being betrayed that way hurts so much and I honestly think therapy is a great way to heal and make peace with yourself, be happy and get through this no matter what happens. At least I really felt it helped me tons.
Its going to be very hard to forget the betrayal the trust is no longer there .if you can forgive and gorget its fine but it will always be in the back of your mind .do you think you can trust him again ??
I don’t know. I was cheated on for like 2 yrs. He had another kid with the girl and I decided to forgive him and stay with him. A little over a yr later he cheated again and had a boy with her. So my view on this is different. I say leave it won’t get better.
Imo an emotional affair is worse then just a sexual affair. I’d be more likely to forgive my husband for just having sex with someone versus him having an affair where emotions are involved. In either scenerio though, I’d bow out. You’re worth more then settling for a cheater.
Some times it does my first husband cheated with my sister she was goimg threw a devorce and she was also mad because her husband had propositioned me which i told her about but didmt act on long story short i forgave them both never happened again
Truth i did it for 5 years i believed him till i saw his little baby. Get out now cause men like that wont change
You need to ask yourself if you can forgive him and if he is worth fighting for. It won’t be easy because he betrayed your trust.
There is nothing more humiliating a man can do than cheat on his wife. You will never forget what he has done. He got caught this time. He will be more CAREFUL the next time.
Only you can decide that my husband had an affair that lasted 3 months and we went thru a nasty separation but he decided after our youngest was born he wanted to be here and fix his family. That was 16 months ago and we are in a great place and close and absolutely in love now but I do still think of it daily and idk how long that will go one. Its tough but for me my family and marriage was worth fighting for. At least if we separate or he does cheat again I can honestly tell my kids that I gave it everything I had. But I can say my husband is a completely different person then he was 16 months ago
If the feeling ever goes away it’s going to take
1 a lot of time to process your emotions without being rushed or shamed
2 his total understanding and remorse
3 total accountability on his part, to rebuild your trust
It wont go away . Sorry… If you stay you will only be doubting him and yourself the whole time. Will make you more insecure each and every day and wilp make your relationship toxic. It’s Better to leave now before it goes very bad
I tell you one thing you’ll never trust again you can forgive but never forget but life goes on there’s no perfect life. Even beautiful Rose’s have thorns. Have faith in god. I don’t give a shit what anybody does as long as I’m clean with God at the end that’s what matters.
Alot of people feel like they can get away with things if you forgive them and will keep doing them. Yes he will alwayd choose you and his kids but will run to another girl for attention and open legs if he can… Id say if you don’t want to leave him atleast take a break . go live somewhere else or tell him to leave. Give yourself time to process the situation and you will burst into tears the first days and wonder if youre doing the right thing but if you find peace after it all (few weeks) than maybe you are better off without him.
For me an emotional affair is far worse than sexual. But I that is me. Sounds like he has already checked out of the relationship emotionally. Just because yo iui nlove someone dosen’t me that you are meant to be
It can but u both have to want it. But its hard to trust again.
It can’t go back to the way it was. But if you both are willing to do the hard work it takes you can make it better! Best of luck to you.
Take him to your pastor. If he will not be isn’t ready to give it up
It’ll hurt bad and itll hurt often until it starts to fade. You can give him a second chance but honey after that, it’s not going to stop. If you choose to give him another chance, try to really forgive him and move forward. It shouldn’t be an excuse to act however you want (not saying you would do this, it’s just a toxic reaction and I HAVE done that). Try to build up that trust and make your relationship strong again. Figure out what needs to be worked on, of he felt like he needed that attention, tell him to talk to you when he feels that way or give you tips on how he wants that attention. He also needs to be attentive to your needs while you heal
If you forgave your husband for being a cheater and your still with him than you NEED TO GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON. you dont get to accept his apology yet continue to guilt him and argue with him and not trust him. Of course your hurt. But you decided to work it out. So work it out. And if the jerk aint kissing your ass and proving that he F up and trying to make it right. Than you need to kick his ass to the curb.
My husband cheated on me ago back and he hasn’t done it since so there could be a chance he is sorry and will change.
Hon, you will never forget. The other marriage is probably NIL now!! I worked with two that did the same thing. Both marriages ended in divorce. One was my supervisor she had a breakdown cause the man also working there did not leave his wife. She had left her husband. My husband had an affair in Virginia (military) we lived across the US in Washington. But his affairs did not stop after we came home. Some men will change, some don’t. Just be on alert. It is emotional and I started to evaluate myself and even thought of suicide. Then I realized ‘I just need a divorce’. Of Course this was after 6 affairs! I truly hope your marriage will survive. But you can forgive but we never forget… Hugs to you! .
Do you love him stay if not then go give it to God
The trust will never be the same