1st. He is 4. All the yelling at him that you’re doing is just the wrong kind of attention. But he doesn’t care because he’s getting your attention.
2. You have a hip baby so the 4 year old sees you with the baby all the time while you just attempt to distract him. Your children need to be addressed age accordingly. He’s only 4. Take a deep breath, bake cookies with him, teach your hipster to play in a play pen for a little bit before separation anxiety kicks in cause once you have the new baby you’re gonna be yelling at two kids cause all your attention is going to go to the new baby.
One thing I learned in my sons behavioral therapy is that children (and adults) get so used to hearing someone yell that they don’t hear when we talk. Its retraining how you approach things, patience and consistency. It is possible, and gentle parenting is actually SO much easier, it kind of makes me ashamed to admit I had the same issue for a long time.
I’m dealing with this too with a 19 month old and I’m pregnant as well
You are not failing your children; you are obviously spread thin and doing what you can. I personally try to repeat myself first softly then in a stern voice. Take deep breath’s, know that they are still learning and that what they are doing now is normal for their ages. Try not to take it personally if they act up or ignore you. You got this.
Children are testing boundaries and learning at this time. They can’t express their feelings like adults, sometimes even adults struggle with expressing feelings too. Just remind yourself it’s nobody’s fault and this will only last so long and you will miss these days. Hope it all gets better and make sure to take care of yourself as well!
You are NOT failing. You’re reaching out for help. Which already shows how much you’re trying.
I don’t have much for advice but I hope it gets easier
I have a soon to be 4 year old, a 2 year old, and am days away from having babe #3. I have found that a routine is extremely helpful, and I am constantly reminding myself that if I don’t enjoy being yelled at, neither do my children. When they frustrate me, I get on their level and calmly ask them to count to 15 with me, and then I explain why I’m upset. It takes alot of time, consistency and patients, it does NOT happen overnight. There’s also many groups and pages on Facebook about gentle parenting that I’ve found helpful. You’re not failing, just overwhelmed!
You are not failing! Kids are frustrating! Just calm your self. Freak out later, outside or in the garage. You need to be the calm.
I would research conscious discipline and maybe seek some personal therapy.
Mom of 6 my youngest newborn. My 4 yr old tests boundries like none other it is normal also sometimes if spending one on one while lils nap help.
Maybe some parenting classes would help you
Maybe going back to work after baby. Break from mommy life and money
Following because I struggle with this:sob:
Children do NOT retain information until 5 yrs old! Try patience
There’s a book called toddlers are assholes (yeah yeah judge me all you want ) and honestly it helped me a lot when my daughter was even younger, she’s 5 now. And it still helps. It explains what’s going on in their little heads when they’re, well, being assholes. it was/is still helpful for me! I believe you can get it on Amazon.
Maybe he is jealous and looking for extra attention. I know you are tired, I have 3 daughters and it was hard. I regretted so hard when my oldest were jealous because I was so busy with her sisters that end up neglecting her. They all grown now and thank God they are okay but I know they are not mentally. Sometimes she reminds me when I used to yelled at her and I do feel bad about it. I wish I could turn back in time. Just be patience. If you stay at home, play with both of them, go outside, do things to keep him busy. Enroll him at YMCA to play sport and go with him and your baby. I had my 3 daughters at the YMCA and it help them keep them busy. At that age, he wouldn’t understand your point of you because he is looking for affection.
Put him in some sort of preschool class during the day to get him away from you for a while. You say that therapy isn’t an option? Lord, you need a little. Seriously. He’s 4. He can’t help his developing behavior and personality…but you can. All you were role modeling for him right now is how to yell and be dissatisfied with everything. All he’s going to see is that all you do is yell at him and favor of the little ones. He’s going to resent them and act out toward you. Some sort of therapy for you is exactly what you need. He’s still a baby himself, don’t forget that
I found this video super informative when it comes to my kids.
Being “smart” has nothing to do with a four acting like a 4 year old. There is no right and wrong for toddlers. They don’t have moral compasses. If you can’t stop yourself from yelling at a small child then how can your toddler stop themselves from getting into things?
Take a step back and realize you are asking a 4 year old to have self control… when you don’t.
Sit down and decide some consequences to actions that are age appropriate and STICK to them, no discussion.
He knows the rules
And he’ll know the consequences. When he breaks the rule, consequence immediately after and no discussion. If he throws a fit, that’s ok. Let him, he’s working out frustration and especially in the beginning he’ll have a ton of it.
Don’t beat yourself up, just focus on finding something that works. In our house it was consistent consequences.
Just be sure and praise the 4 yr old when he is good. Praise good behavior
So I’ve been working on this a lot because I was tired of screaming and felt the same. I rarely do so now. When dad is available even if they ask me he tells them no, mom needs a break and I’ll do it. This allows me to breath esp when I feel overwhelmed- do not cave and stick with it, it takes time but it works. Before I feel like I’m going to scream I just take a few deep breaths and explain myself again calmly but sternly, sometimes redirect the conversation. If a tantrum is out of control, I send my oldest to her room- maybe you can choose a spot you can see him. Only engage in talking when they’re calm or Sometimes I show her how to breath in and out until she calms down- all depends on situation. You have to be stern and not cave to the tantrum. They need to know that a tantrum will not get them what they want and only being calm will- if reasonable. Also hearing no and understanding that helps.
Look into daycare it will help them socialize and you to get a break and go to appointments
I feel this to my core!! I’m a mom of 5! They range between 12 and almost 2! So I deal with the preteen attitude and the toddler tantrums! There are days I literally lose clumps of hair and now I have chest/breathing issues. I wish I could tell you things get better, but it really doesn’t, the issues just change. And the more kids you have, the harder it is to control everything. They are their own little people with their own feelings, and no one is more important than the other, so let me just tell you, I’m constantly exhausted!!! Definitely try to find a mom friend near you to go vent and have lunch with. The kids will play and give you a min to breathe… that’s the only thing that really helps me. Good luck mama!
Counseling is always good u also need to give ur kids stern Discipline there is time for Love & Discipline separately .
Try praising the good instead of “going off” on the bad it might just be an attention thing
Just take deep breaths when you realise youre going off say whoops lost it a bit back there, to ya self and calm back down. Emotions are all in the mind, YOU’VE got TO remind YOURSELF that getting loud isnt going to solve anything, and that anger isnt a productive mood
I would seek help from your natural supports. Kids will do as they see, not what they are told. You will be your child’s biggest role model. The more in control of your own emotions you are, the better off they will be. Kids learn a lot in their early years. I recommend talking to your child about their feelings so they can communicate better. If your child is crying, I would acknowledge that they are crying and ask them if they would like to talk about whats upsetting them. If they don’t want to talk, that is ok but remind them you would like to support them if or when they are ready. Your child taking a self time out is perfectly acceptable. When the child makes a less than desirable choice, you can explain why it isn’t desirable and ask what they could do instead. You can offer ideas if they aren’t quite there yet. You want to set them up to be good problem solvers. Another huge thing is praise. Catch your child doing good things. Children, and adults as well, hear much more disapproval than praise. If a child finds they aren’t getting enough praise or positive attention, they would be likely to seek any attention, good or bad. Other bits of advice, give advanced warnings to clean up, bed, or any changes. If possible, offer choices so the child feels they are in control. .Kid’s like to test boundaries so dont expect a miracle over night fix. With time, patience, love, and understanding you will see an improvement in behavior. I have worked with newborns through school age and I am a mom. I know this works. If you need help with certain situation and how you might approach it differently, feel free to message me.
Fissuring on your approach only here… the yelling. It just doesn’t work. It does not change anything but create chaos. It is constant work to break this habit of yelling. For me it was normal because that is how we were raised. Stop yelling at the kids. Learn to control yourself, write yourself notes and stick them around the house, write on your hand, whatever it takes and get a hold of yourself. Understand that they can only articulate for one what your teaching them and also things that are age appropriate. Not all of us are raised in peaceful homes but it is solely your choice to create that peace within your own home.
Jealousy hun i have same problem speak with the doctor and paediatrician
It’s about perspective. Is the thing you’re getting mad about REALLY a big deal or are you nit picking? I’m not saying this in a judgmental way, but we tend to get carried away with what WE expect of our children without realizing they really are just being kids. If your child is walking slow in front of you and you just want him to hurry up so you just scream at them, what did that really do? Was the 10 extra seconds to wait patiently behind him to walk really worth hurting their feelings? I’m using this as a example, not saying anyone did this. Some times we put our children at a higher expectation for their age level. A child CANNOT function at the same level as we do and we have to remind ourselves of this. I’ve learned myself that when I loose my temper on my 4 year old, it actually has a negative effect for him. All children are different of course, but for MY child yelling doesn’t work. You could try a reward chart, like maybe having stickers put on the chart when he does something good. I’ve also seen people do a chart system that has green for you’re being good, yellow for you’re in the warning area, and red for he’s being bad. I haven’t tried it yet, but have considered it.
Honestly? Let 10 month old cry it out. If you know they are safe and not going to get hurt, let baby cry and take your break. Believe me, 15 minutes of not getting their way VS mama losing her mind, the 15 mins is the better option.
My baby is only 2, but what I’ve been trying lately is full blown time outs. She sits alone for however long it takes her tantrum to run its course and I completely do not respond. It took a LONG time to force myself to just let her get it all out, but I found out once she’s exhausted, she’s ready to actually stop and listen. When they are having a fit, no matter how much you yell, they can’t hear you, Mama. I know it’s rough, even more so with multiple Littles. But know this, you’re not alone.
A fellow frustrated mama that is trying to improve everyday WE GOT THIS
I have been their !! One day I promise will look back and wish you would have just laughter when they spilled their food and made it a funny memory or when they splash in the tub and laughter and want 2 more mins in the water to play one day they aren’t little anymore an all those little moments of their baby faze is gone … but I know a big part of this for me was sleep !! I had bad days like this if I didn’t get sleep for days and being a parent it’s hard to say almost impossible to say get more sleep but it’s the truth try ask dad for even one day a week to just sleep in a little so you can catch up also maybe some mommy time to showers really help it will get easier I promise ps pray god is the answer to all problem he will give you patience I promise
A 4 year old is a 4 year old. No, they don’t know right from wrong. Yelling at them constantly does nothing but confuse and hurt them, you need to sit down and evaluate your patience.
Spend some one on one time with him like when dad gets home from work bath time and then play time then dinner try different things youll find your feet eventually toddler ages are very hard out i feel you mumma be kind to you and your babies
The fact that you’re concerned about this makes it clear that you are, in fact, a good mom. 4 year olds are difficult. 10 month olds are difficult. And pregnancies are difficult. I have had this same issue and I pray constantly for patience. My best advice is to talk to your 4 year old about it. My 3 year old pushes all the buttons and when she is being difficult, I tell her. I tell her we have options. We can have a wonderful day and listen and be helpful or we can have a bad day. It’s a choice for both of us. And sometimes I just hug my kids when I’m feeling overwhelmed and want to yell. When your husband is home and your son still asks you for things, make it a point to say dad will help you if you’re feeling stretched too thin. Remember that this is a season, it won’t last forever. 4 year olds really are difficult. But they’re also silly, caring, and they love their momma’s. You CAN do this. Good luck!
You got to change your mindset about this.
What explained 4yo does is completely normal.
Older bro probably wants as much attention as it looks like your giving 10mo old.
And tbh, 10mo old doesn’t need held all the time. Find more activities to engage them in, toymats on the floor, bouncer, jumper, try coloring in the high chair.
Everything you do try to involve and offer the 4yo to do it too in some way. I know they’re different ages but getting all together with atleadt one thing may help the cling you describe with your boy.
Always foster on the floor or at the table bonding with them, but also teach them to play independently. It’s very good for there coherent skills. They need to be able to do that for problem solving.
Try to come up with a good routine each day setting up the same or similar times of the type of play you choose.
When they know what to expect they feel more secure and in the long run will back off a little bit.
And yes Def 1 on 1 w each of them
With a younger sibling he’s probably looking for attention, even if it’s negative. I have a 10 month old girl and a 7 year old boy and when he acts out it usually means I need to up his attention some. You said you’re always holding the baby, try holding him too or doing something special with him. 4 was a tough age for my boy but we got through it. He was an only child for 7 years so sharing the attention has been rough for him. Try praising him when he does good and that might help him not throw tantrums for attention. Good luck.
What I would like to know is why therapy isn’t an option for you … it really helps you figure out what’s best for you and talking out your frustration and getting to the root of the problem before it blows up in everyone’s face … and talking to someone with an out side perspective can do wonders in making u see things in a new … but if u really can’t do it … talk to friends and family about your problems and about your frustration with your kids … remember to calm down and breath I started video tapeing me handling my daughters tantrums so I can go back and learn from what I did weather it was right or wrong and try and do better the next time it really is helping
Blows my mind how judge mental some people on here are being “sit down and evaluate yourself” clearly you’re doing that. You know your behavior is not what you want from yourself and you’re TRYING. Good for you! Keep going. I could’ve written this myself! Best of luck. I’m sorry I have no real advice because I’m dealing with the exact same situation
Take your kids out for a walk. Get some exercise and sunshine. Turn the walk into an adventure by looking at rocks, flowers, bugs, everything. Encourage your 4 year old to use their imagination. Take snacks and drinks. It can be so much fun.
Just stop and think how effective it would be if someone yelled at you all the time ? Would you learn from it if it were daily? Of course not so now slow down and figure out what your trying to accomplish, then just matter of fact tell your kids no , or stop please then have a calm planed what if in mind . If they dont listen what then and follow thu each time with low emotion matter of fact voice. Ie; if you hit your brother you get time out sorry but you made the choice then put in a time out . If you have to pick up toys they get put up for a day or two ect… be calm stick to your plan .
Say what you mean and mean what you say . It works give it a week .
Same with going to the store tell them no acting out or we will leave then let them put one thing each in cart to start and if they act out leave , stop by McDonald’s on your way home get yourself a happy meal and they get to go to bed without . I promise it will only happen once . Next time remind them and try again . Save the yelling for that once or twice danger moment you need the big impact to save them .
Advice who raised 4?little one very close in age all great adults! Once you start yelling at your kids… your little ones will only listen to you when you yell. Stop now! Get down to their level get their attention. Calmly firmly get across to them. It will take time as you have already started yelling to get them to respond no luck right you will raise a bunch of hard heads and you will be exhausted. Figure out other ways. Yes they will get mad even resist but you are mom take control at the moment you are not. Be fair do away w your anger
Mom a routine with and hour of quite time every day. And also a sit bed time and get up time with 4 year old . You will be surprised how much it helps
Maybe the 4 year old is jealous of the time spent with the baby. I have 5 kids full time. (3 biological, 2 step). They are 15 (almost 16), just turned 15, 13, 9 and 8 months old. I also work full time and dad is home with the kids (due to a work injury). Our house is always busy. My 8 month old gets the most attention obviously, but I try to spend some quality time with each of the kids one on one so they don’t feel left out. Obviously your 4 year old requires more attention than my older ones do, but maybe try having some one on one time with him, especially before the new baby comes. Maybe dad can keep baby for a bit while you take him to a park or do an activity with him. Or maybe you can find something to do with him that you can do with baby in your arms. I sometimes play games with my older kids while holding baby. Or after baby goes to bed, we will have a game or craft or something. Maybe when he is throwing his fits, try to redirect him to go grab a book so you can read to him. Or maybe build a blanket fort and put activities for him in it such as coloring stuff, Legos, books or maybe even a movie and popcorn. Just something to make you both feel good and get him calmed down. Sometimes the outbursts are cries for attention. It is not easy. I wish you luck and I hope some of this helps.
You have your hands full Momma- you are doing great- hard finding time for a breather. Quiet craft time for him, or something he loves- if it works- he gets extra book read or whatever works that he loves- it will come. Hang in there- You are doing a GREAT JOB <3
** Please read**
Continue to be consistent. My children are now 15 (360 days apart), 16 (15 months apart), and 17 and I swear they don’t listen unless I raise my voice. I was and now am that mom. I am always yelling and nagging them. I have conditioned them to be this way and I would give anything to go back and recondition myself. It is when we are on the outside world, seeing your children around other people and how they treat others. That will be you ahha moment and realize that you truly got something right. When they make good grades in school and graduate with honors, it will be because they had a momma who loved them enough to push them, no matter how many nights we stayed up with them repeating the same problem until they finally understood how to find the answer. Oh the headaches! But it’s definitely the little things that mean the most! At the end of the day, when it’s night time and they come to you and wrap their arms around you and say, “I love you mommy” and you see the genuine love there…oh man! It’s those moments.
Try to find a play group that meets in your neighborhood. Also, look for MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers), a support group for mothers and organized play for the kiddos. You can gather many tips and suggestions from the other mothers, cheaper than therapy.
Sounds like you’re dealing with some anxiety and depression. Trust me it’s very normal especially during pregnancy. I would talk to you doctor about your options, you’re not alone mama.
Every parent goes through this… I threatened to ship mine to China when I’ve had enough dont even care about the backlash comments I’ll get either lol… but yeah when I feel like it gets abit too much i chuck them all in the car and take them to the beach for a run around or to the park. Burn off some energy and have some lunch. Then it’s off home once they’re tired , baths and a nap. Aaahhh it’s great cause I get a couple of hours peace and some well deserved ME time while I hide and eat chocolate cause I bloody deserve a treat too
We take grandbabies outside to play to get them tired out ages are 4 and 2 if they misbehave we put them on time out 4mins n 2mins they pick that up quickly n if inside movies or help bake cookies or colouring or blocks build things together n share they like me to hold them in my chair so we all get in it n make a nest I call it n the 4yr old likes to wipe dish so I ask her to help me just to have time with her alone n 2yr old run around playing or watch a movie n do lots of laughing hope something that was said in comments help you out sending prayers of peace n help sometime babies n kids need time away from mom n dad they get bored looking at same thing or person good luck
First when someone is yelling that’s all you hear is a loud voice. If you speak in a lower tone he can process what you are saying. He could also have signs of ADHD or allergies. My son had severe allergies and certain things would drive him up a wall literally until he was tested and was on proper meds. You can be the good mom just take a deep breath and focus on a calm atmosphere for your little ones. I always say I wouldn’t tolerate anyone else treating my loved ones negatively and I’m not allowing myself to do the same.
Girl I know exactly what you are going through!
I have a 3 year old boy and he is WILDDDD. He is constantly on go and getting into things he knows he isn’t supposed to. He doesn’t want to play with his toys. It’s like he does stuff to instigate me but he also does stuff to bother his two older sisters (7 & 9 years old) just to do it.
I also have an 8 month old son and I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant so I know all too well what you mean!
I’m a stay at home mom as well but I do not have a husband that comes home to help. It’s me all the time unfortunately. It gets very exhausting and overwhelming to say the least. I feel like all I do is yell yell yell. But I also can’t help that because trying to be nice, understanding and explaining what he is doing wrong does not work. Not even the yelling. Nothing phases him. Time out, etc. nothing.
You can do therapy on the phone . You’re taking your pregnancy hormones , your annoyance with a clingy baby you can’t put down, and a four year old being a child all out on the four year old . He doesn’t deserve it .
I used to be bad at telling at my kids tbh. But then my dad asked me if I ever really listened when ppl yelled at me?!! Then he said… Do you think that your kids are any different? That’s why they don’t listen to you…bc they dont hear you. If you want them to respect you, you have to respect them. And remember that they are little and are still learning. It honestly opened my eyes.
I’ve Birthed 6 Beautiful Children. My Blessings are 14, 10, 9, 7, 5, & 3. So I have lots of experience with different behaviors & personalities amongst each other.
I’ll give you some advice. Research Gentle Parenting! You have to retrain yourself. It’ll take a good 21 Days of Constantly stopping yourself yelling & doing a gentle approach instead. 21 Days to fully break a bad habit(s)… yelling is a bad habit.
Yelling isn’t good for anyone. Not for you being Pregnant, Hormones or not Stress is awful. It’s not good for your Toddler or Your Baby. It creates an environment of stress & negativity.
You are a Good Mommy for asking for help on how to better yourself… but that is exactly what you need to focus on is bettering yourself. Becoming the better version of the Mommy you were yesterday. Creating a Peaceful Home!
As a Mamma of 6 I have noticed through all these years that kids do not seem to do well with negative responses from Mommy. They do better with redirecting & uplifting responses.
Just because he is 4 doesn’t mean he can’t feel you are frustrated even if your not yelling then add in yelling and he could very well be acting out. You want to stop that.
If he is getting into something often, make some DIY activities for sensory learning for toddlers. Lots of ideas on Pinterest that are easy to put together. Redirect him to sensory learning to keep him happy, learning and busy. Make numerous ones to keep him interested. Toys get boring fast… but sensory learning and art seems to do better overall & kids love it.
Try more Positive approaches with a CALM approach. Not a single adult or child responds well to yelling. Be calm. Take a deep breathe and find a solution that makes you both happy. Think of for a second if you were at work and your boss went over to you yelling as loud as he can while telling to stop or fix something. Would you be able to focus well? Learn? Do better while getting yelled at. Most couldn’t. It’s the same for kids.
Remember… he is a Toddler. They too get frustrated. They have trouble expressing their feelings, wants & needs at that age. Trouble showing their likes & dislikes. They are learning. The world is a place full of Wonder for them. And with this world of wonder you are their love, safe place. The one that shows them attention. Kindness. Happiness. Excitement. He is only 4. Remind yourself of that.
Now you may not have time to leave the house for counseling but there are Free Online counseling services now that are Virtual now since the Pandemic. You should 100% look into that. Some will pop up on google.
And remember… Praise him often. Be kind. Be Calm. And when the baby naps, do some one on one activities with him. You will bond more and he will love that. He needs that too cause with a baby in the house sometimes the older child feels left out. Reassure him he too is still your baby and you love him the same and he is so important to you. Remind him often.
Whew Chile…& U bout 2 have another 1???
If you don’t put her down for more than 5 mins without a tantrum, then he is probably needing you to be available to him. Maybe start dealing with the baby learning to entertain herself independently so you can give him some time, especially if your expecting….it might be worse very soon without some balance.
Wait til they’re teenagers. It sounds like a grab for mom’s attention. Breathe. Get down to their level. Sometimes you just have to let it out so suggest having a scream, a cry in the bathroom. Get it out then calmly go hug your 4 year old. Yes it’s going to be frustrating. Yes it’s going to be tiring. It’s definitely a pain in the butt but you just have to breathe and hang in there.
I have a 9 year old and 5 year old and I am also always yelling and getting frustrated. I am also in school. I am currently taking a child/adolescence course. It has helped me a lot with my parenting. Your 4 year old wants your attention. My son did the same thing when my daughter was born. It’s hard to be the baby who gets all the attention to another baby coming along to steal that love and attention. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child, discouraged as in they do not feel they belong or are lacking their needs being met. I’m not saying you’re neglecting the older child either I went through the same and still do with my kids.
My 4 year old acts the same way, I’m always telling myself that he loves me, that he just wants me to give him attention and to listen to him. I think that helps me not to yell so much. I also have a 1 year old so I’m always giving them attention so they don’t get into anything they’re not supposed to. Find stuff that distracts them like a favorite tv show or movie or game or toy or take them outside, go for walks if you’re able to. I avoid sugary stuff too cause then they’re behavior is worse. the father needs to help more especially that you’re pregnant now. If your parents or husbands parents are involved maybe have them take your kids or one of them for a break every now and then too. Breaks are so important.
my family all takes a nap at 12. I still holler a bit bc sometimes my kids like to not listen to my quiet corrections until I’m yelling but sleep is key to happiness in my household. it’s a challenge for sure bc you know yelling works so you go straight to it sometimes
My children got to the age where I’d raise my voice and they’d burst into tears, no matter what I was saying. I realised how much I was really upsetting them and that was my trigger moment that told me something needed to change. Now instead of repeating myself when they are naughty, and getting angry and yelling at them, I sit them in time out. A minute for each year of their age. So for your son, 4 minutes. Don’t tell him why just say “go to time out” then when the time is up, go ask him what he did wrong. Then ask him what he could’ve done instead. This teaches them the difference from right or wrong and gives them opportunity to think about the consequences before they follow through with the action. I didn’t like discipline, I didn’t think it worked, but it’s not the discipline persay, it’s the method of how you serve it. As for keeping them occupied, find things that you can all do together. Build a fort and read stories in it, or watch movies through it, make towers of building blocks and let your little bub chew on them or whatever they need whilst they’re doing baby things. Have painting days or baking days, make memories. I would love nothing more then to be home with my babies all the time because those were the moments I treasured. Go for walks and collect flowers and sticks and make it into a canvas, write letters to imaginary friends or even family, go visit a friend, get out in the sun. You are not alone, I promise we’ve all been there. Parenting is something that with each passing year there’s a new challenge, and while they are learning we have to forgive ourselves because we are learning too. One day I said to my partner “I only know how to parent as far as I have, anything beyond this is all a new experience to me also” and saying that made a light bulb go off in my head because it’s true, I’ve only been a parent for 9 years, when my eldest turns a new age, there’s a new attitude or a new part of their personality that comes through and each year the way I teach them changes to accomodate for them. Be easy on yourself and remember your kiddo is just a kiddo. Maybe he’s acting out because he wants attention. Give him attention and ease up on the screaming. Discipline when needed and be consistent. As for by passing dad, it’s a given because they’re with you all day and it’s natural nature for them to seek out Mum when they need something. Xx
Can you join a moms group where you get together with your kids at each others’ homes, a playground or wherever? Hard during COVID & make sure all those eligible are vaccinated. Sometimes dealing with each others’ kids is easier and gives you a break.
Isn’t pre-school an option for your 4-year-old?
Also see if you can get someone else to come in once in a while. See if there are people at a retirement home who would welcome the chance to get out and have some excitement and children in their lives.
Or spring for a responsible teen to come give you a break at least once a week. Spend the time with the teen until you are convinced they can handle things on their own, then use the time to get out, nap, and just be alone for a bit.
I recommend not having more kids until things calm down. Honestly, I don’t know how you deal and are pregnant AND your husband is not around to help most of the time. You are superhuman already!
Maybe use a timer for your little one. Say, “if you can be down for three minutes without screaming, I will give you an M&M.” Then four minutes the next day, etc.
Do you have a playground or recreation center where you can let the kids run around? Can you get them in swim classes (you’d have to participate in the one with your youngest)? Check to see if there are fees on a sliding scale to make it affordable. If not, just take the boy outside and give him challenges to run forwards, backwards, sideways, hop, skip, speed walk, tippy-toe or whatever you can think of up and down the sidewalk to tire him out?
Find kids exercise programs on TV or DVD or You Tube & have him do them. Set exercise for the same times every day so he can anticipate it. When he gets antsy, sing “Shake Your Wiggles Out” and have him drop whatever he’s doing and do what the song says. Have him learn dances like the Macarena or Cupid Shuffle or something to music & have him practice to put on a show for his dad.
If your religious institution is open for in-person services, there are usually classes for kids where you can drop them off and have some peace.
Will your baby sit in a rolling seat? How about a Jolly Jumper? Would give you a few minutes relief from carrying her.
What help will you have when the new baby gets here? Plan for as many people to help you as possible. Make as many friends in person or online as you can so you can tap into your “village” for help. See if there are “moms day out” programs in your area.
You must start out when they are young teaching them right from wrong so they know what to do as they’re getting older I’m 63 years old and I watch my great granddaughter and she’s three and I don’t have one bit of trouble with her
Have u tried just ignoring his fits and screaming , it’s hard to get used to to begin with , trust me I know lol I have a four year girl and if she is quiet for more than 30 seconds she is usually doing something she shouldn’t be lol. She gets a telling off and when she wants to scream about it I just walk away and ignore her and I tell her I’m not going to speak to her until she stops which works sometimes
You just have to make the decision to take a breath and not yell. If you’re stressed see a doctor. He can help you. It’s hard I know. I have four kids and I work full time as of the last two years. Staying home with little kids is sad sometimes. Lonely. Can you get a part time job? Get out a little ?
You’re doing a good job
Wait just read you’re pregnant. You need to get out, kid free time. You’re still you, even if you’re a mum. You’re unhappy, what would make you happy that is reasonable ?
I feel for you, it is SO HARD sometimes! I have a 4 year old boy, 2 year old girl, and 1 year old boy.
My older son will look right at me and still do things that I literally JUST asked him not to do. Or fight with his sister over silly things.
My daughter is sooooo attached and her way of expressing herself when she feel like she’s not getting what she wants is with some brain piercing screaming.
My baby is mostly laid back but gets into EVERYTHING.
There is never a quiet moment. I constantly feel overstimulated. Some days I get frustrated and yell. But I try really hard to see life through their eyes. How do I sound as a mom to them? I try to make time to do fun stuff with them, like playing games together, working on the alphabet, the other day we all just silly danced.
Sometimes I have to FORCE positive energy into my voice.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’ve been in your shoes and I know how impossible it feels. I wish I could say it gets easier, but for me it got harder. Just roll with it, remember they’re just babies, take a deep breath!
One day they’ll be big and have their own lives and you will miss them being little pains in the butt
He’s probably feeling overwhelmed. You have an 10month old that’s he’s had to get used to and now theres another on the way. Not meaning anything judgemental, just saying that’s alot for a smart 4 year old to handle is all. Time spent well with him may help him feel better.
Routines are what’s needed. The 10 month old takes two naps do something with the 4 yr old during that nap…then the second nap have quiet time.
It will give you down time.
Find some activities for your 4 yr old. One being outside to run off energy.
Also give positive attention anywhere you can give it. I like how your playing with such and such toy. I like how your using your inside voice.
Giving positive comments when they don’t expect it, shows them your paying attention to them and what they are doing. Throwing in the color of the toy they are playing with etc brings positive attention to what they are doing. It will help trust me
Girl I feel like I just read part of my life. No dad around here but I have a lot of guilt when I have those days where I’m yelling. I have a 9-year-old boy a four year old girl and an 11-month-year-old boy. My four-year-old I swear is a lunatic. I definitely sympathize with you Mama and I’m reading the comments myself, taking in all the advice I can. Glad to have found this on a sleepless night at 4:00 a.m.
Won’t last 4ever…maybe put 4 year old into daycare so u can have a break etc
Oh youve got your hands full
Your kids need to learn to play by themselves before you go insane.
If you’re constantly carrying your youngest to avoid screaming fits your 4yo is jealous and its only going to get worse .
Baby will arrive and you’ll be carrying them…whats your 10 month old going to do then ?
Get them washed and fed. Give them something to do…then sit down and ignore them while you have a cup of tea. Then you get ready to go out…shopping or a walk or visit the park…home for lunch and tea break for mum while they eat
Afternoon playtime for both of them with mum then a tidy up toys time before another quick walk or play outside if youve a garden. Wash up , the kids tea time and a tea break for mum. Bath time , quiet story time snuggled together on the sofa then bed.
Routine is everything. They must have your attention but must learn when mums on a break…she’s on a break.
Dont feel guilty and don’t give in to them attention seeking. Stick some earbuds in so you cant hear the screaming while you take 5 minutes
It will take time…but if you don’t set a routine now you’ll never manage with 3.
Put him in head start he will go to preschool until 5 then go to kindergarten he will learn lots there
He’s most likely attention seeking, and the easiest way to get your attention is to be a bit naughty. Though it’s important to remember he’s too young to understand the concept of being naughty for your attention or being manipulative. He’s four so he’s figured out the easiest way to get your attention is to do those things. I would try:
Planning out your day a bit. Let him know loosely what the plan is for the day, let him know when he’s going to be getting your attention and make sure when it’s that period of time that you give him lots of attention and praise and affirmation.
Really encourage independent play. Set up little invitations to play on his level, train tracks, cars, sensory play (rice, playdough etc).
Even if he isn’t having a daily sleep, it’s important to rest our bodies at that age. Set aside 30 minutes where he needs to rest his body either laying in bed or playing quietly in his room. A good way of enforcing this is putting a period of your attention after that rest time “okay buddy I really want to have some fun play time with you, but first we really need to rest our bodies, so if you can have some quiet rest time for 30 minutes then we can have an awesome play time! I can’t wait to do that with you!” Set an alarm so he knows. If you can coincide the 30 minutes of his rest time and bubs nap, that’s 30 minutes you can decompress.
If you have access to a tablet or iPad set it up with some great educational apps and let him sit there for 20 minutes and play. That’s another 20 minutes you can decompress.
Think of it like kids have little cups to be filled, it doesn’t matter how he gets that cup filled, he just knows he needs it filled. But if you set aside times to fill it up in a positive way he will learn that that’s a way better way to get that cup filled, but also that it’s going to get filled without him having to do those attention seeking behaviours.
It’s hard. Being a mum is exhausting. If you need help mentally and emotionally talk to someone.
I have this with my 8 month old and my soon to be 3 year old. It defo is attention because he sees you with his sibling and that’s what I get. I have been reading this positive parenting course recently and it says you should try and get 10 mins alone time with each of your children a day. Just mummy and them time to try and fill their attention buckets and if they know they get that everyday behaviour should improve.
It really is so hard, I try to talk to my son before shouting but sometimes he really just doesn’t listen and i just lose it.
Sorry I can’t offer more advice as I’m still trying to find ways to do things myself. He is really good when we are out and about st the park etc. so I try to get out everyday.
But just know that the fact you don’t want to shout anymore and that you apologise to him afterwards and want to find a different way shows you’re an amazing mama
This was me and I finally broke down about my anxiety and depression and reached out for help. I was adamant when dealing with the ppd after my twins were born 2 years ago that I wasn’t going to take medication but I realized recently I needed some help. I’ve been on zoloft for about 2 months now and it has been AMAZING and I feel like I can deal with my kids in a more controlled temperament. I’m not saying this is the answer for everyone but just wanted you to know you are not alone, and don’t feel like you are failing your kids because the fact that you are worried about it shows how great of a mom you are.
Sincerely mom of 3 girls that drive her crazy (7 year old and 2 year old twins)
He’s craving yiur attention. Being naughty is the quickest way to get instant attention. Carve some time out for him
When husband is able to give you time for your self…leave the home so No one is coming to you… even if it’s just a stroll around the block or go to park to read.go for a drive , when it’s just you home, gotta teach the little one not to be in your arms if you can or have put in a swing or playpen…as for 4 yr old designate a time out spot enforce it when he acts up. Maybe check your area for toddler time activities or sign up for preschool, or pre play school. Do you have any momma friends or neighbors close by that have near the same age children,see if you can set something up for once a week for a hr or 2 see if they are willing to watch your kids and then you do the same for them…
It sounds like he may be acting out because he wants your attention, especially if you are constantly having to hold your 10month old. Even if it is negative attention that he gets , it is attention to him. I would try to spend some more one on one time with him- whether it is a game that the two of you play while 10 month old is napping etc. Good luck.
Makes sure you have a nap time everyday and if those kiddos won’t nap then put them in the stroller and walk them till they nap. It is important for you as a mama to be able to breathe and not be needed for a bit of time each day. I know with covid things are different, but maybe you could reach out to someone because you are a human and you need a little you time even if that means going to the grocery store alone.
There are nights when I cry myself to sleep because I yelled at my 4 year old so much that day. He’s my whole heart and I adore him, but his behavior brings out the worst in me! Especially because I work full time, have a husband and a teenage stepdaughter, and other things on my plate. It always helps to talk to him, face to face and calmly, during bedtime about why mommy was so upset. He always forgives me, bless his sweet little heart . As moms we love our kids and are doing our best! We have so much to deal with and we do so much for our little ones (and they will never know it). It’s normal that we are overwhelmed and emotional. Talk to your kids, even the little one. Open communication about emotions is so important! I want my kids to be honest and open about feelings and feel comfortable explaining and apologizing, so I do the same. They need to know that I’m also human.
My biggest rule as a single parent is don’t major in the minors.Kids make a spill, wipe it up.kids break something by accident, pick it up. But if a kid is disrespectful, come down on them like a pile of rocks. Constantly making a big deal out of small stuff just makes everyone frustrated.Make the rules few but follow through on them. If you say something, do it, always. I found the podcast ‘have a new kid by Friday’ immensely helpful, though honestly the host gets on my nerves sometimes. Lastly enjoy them.They grow up so fast
Firstly, please know that you’re a great mom. And having two little ones is not only over stimulating, but overwhelming too. I had 3 little ones at one time.
And my firstborn…was, lemme tell you, high octane. 100% of the time.
Here are a few things that helped me when they were little.
Try to see what they’re tryijg to do instead of what they’re doing. They spilled milk trying to get it and pour it by themselves, making a mess. But they were trying to be independent.
They’re taking a long time to get their shoes on, but maybe they’re trying to decide which ones are best, etc.
They’re partially destroying a toy, but maybe they’re trying to learn how it works.
A lot of the time we have our kids inside and they’re just restless. Make an obstacle course out of pillows.
Find a task for them. Kids usually live to help.
And instead of yelling, try whispering.
When I felt like ibwas about to lose it, I would whisper to my son, “psssssst, hey Wyatt! Can I tell you a secret?”
Then he would come close to hear the secret and I would tickle him. It made us both get in a better headapace. Then after the tickes settled down and say, “hey, do you want to help me [do this task]?”
And it usually worked for a little bit.
Sure are “acting like him” throwing your own tantrum. Your child is getting a reaction out of you and as long as he is getting that reaction he will continue how he deals with things. Your youngest will soon catch on and do the same and your “nerves” as you call it will double. Let your child throw their tantrum be an adult and just sit there and supervise so the children doesn’t get hurt in the mean time. After the child tantrums over talk with the child and about the right and wrong of things.
My nephew is the same exact way. It’s usually his way of saying he wants attention. Yelling at him only makes him act out more and he thinks it’s hilarious. Try giving him a task. My nephew loves washing and drying the dishes and then doing it again. He new obsession in the vacuum. He will vacuum the entire house 3 times. Also, school can be helpful at this age.
Pregnancy hormones certainly isn’t helping I’m sure. I think once the new baby comes and your levels return to normal, it will help some.
I know it’s hard to keep it together, especially when you are really trying to get them to see the problem and how they can fix it but they don’t feel that way about it.
Maybe have a mommy time out, where you both have to stand in the corner (one on each end of the room) and do a few minute cool down(set a timer). After that time ends you hug, talk and reassure that sometimes feelings are too big and it’s important you both find a better way to express that. A hug is a great place to start once you both have cooled down.
Hang in there.
I have 3 boys, and when I had my 2nd child my oldest was 4. The trick that has worked with both the 2 older brothers now is all about how I start my day with them. I always enthusiastically ask them how they’ve slept and have them just talk to me every moment I can take for the day. I have them pick the meals and help me cook and clean. It’s alot for sure, but they all will respond to your attitude that way, all the way down to the baby, you’ll probably find she’s more comfortable being set down just feeling a difference in the atmosphere. Then when you’re feeling like they can’t really do anything else with cleaning or cooking, they’re typically in such a good mood you can even ask the older one to play with the baby. It’s all about building a strategy with it Not everyday it works, but I always try.
When he melts down you yell … right i had to learn this but i sat a parenting course … if he’s already emotional and screaming then yelling will only make it worse … when you were angry or sad and someone shouted did you feel calm? If he’s not in danger simply walk away (still where you can see him) and ignore the behaviour, don’t use negative words don’t try to talk to him or console , at same time as it’s horrible and you want to cuddle them and help calm them down it won’t happen, once he settles a little when he realises the attention isnt coming he’ll quieten down and come to you … this is when you bend down and give him a cuddle , … to stop a meltdown when talking simply sit on time out and explain why his behaviour is wrong then walk away if he gets up or moves do not give eye contact and take him back … no matter how many times … if after 3x he moves restart timer … when he sits it and comes off give a cuddle them let him go back to playing don’t remind him or talk about it … as it was said to us on the course… “after an argument with your spouse you walk away calm down, then you walk back in room and he always says “have you calmed down now” instantly we feel angry again as we’ve been reminded of it it made sense, and it’s the same woth children xx
Oh man, I feel this. My 3 year old is constantly go go go. While I have a 4 month old who is EBF. I can’t even sit down to feed him without my 3 year old doing something he knows he’s not supposed to. I’ve been so frustrated with him and feel like I don’t know how to handle him anymore. I’m at my witts end.
Four is a very hard age, the worst so far for us. I’m a yeller too, but have been trying to get it under control. For me, when I want to yell I stop and breathe for a min, then I speak calmly to her. It doesn’t always work but its getting better. Hang in there mama you’re doing a great job. Age five has been a little easier here so far
I’m a mom of five and I feel this! Mom guilt is terrible but after asking five times I tend to yell. I feel like I’m failing as a parent when this happens. I have done therapy, read books and have tried every possible way to change it. Taking a deep breath before I react so ends to help me not all the time but sometimes
Have a routine as much as possible and give him chores. I’ve got a 8 & 5 yr old and let me tell you my break is when they sleep…I can’t pee or go in my room or out on the balcony they both follow… even the 8 yr old. But chores have changed it… earn money even if 25 cents-50 cents even lower for a lower age but nothing to help each other cause let me tell you they go 12 hours of fighting I’m so ready for school I need a full meal at 1 time & a serious massage as I have severe rheumatoid arthritis and I can’t hardly move lately
Good luck Mama
our kids watch us and how we react to things . i used to get frustrated and let out a loud “uuuuugh”, now my daughter does it when i ask her to do something she doesn’t want to . granted she does it, just with an attitude . days i couldn’t handle all three of my kids (2,3 & 5), i would just lay a towel down, fill some pots and pans with water and let them play in it for a little . maybe redirect to something fun . give your 4 year old choices, if he does this then we can do that . set goals throughout the day and remind him of good behavior, so you can have a movie night later or play a game together . it’s hard but, redirecting during behaviors has helped me