I feel like I need to end my 10-year relationship. My husband has lied to me one too many times (Not cheating, he would never), But about drinking and being on anti-anxiety meds… I not even sure why he would lie to me or hide that from me, but I am at my wit’s end. When is enough? When do you throw ten years down the drain? I have tried talking to him, but he just denies denies denies, even when I find cold hard proof.
You can condemn him for lying about drinking, but don’t condemn him for being on anti- anxiety meds. Most of us these days suffer with anxiety and do need those meds to cope.
I agree Jo Peterka. Im on a small dose of zoloft, & I dont care who knows… it helps. Without it, im a mess.
When you start asking yourself then that’s when….
Do people read? She doesn’t care hes on anexity meds. Its the fact he lied about something he shouldn’t have. Dear god.
What does this have to do with nails???
Honestly to me, it sounds like you’re trying to find a reason to leave. And if that’s the case then just leave it you’re not happy.
Some men have a lot of pride and don’t want to openly admit that they are depressed. All 3 issues in this (drinking, meds, and lying) could all be that he’s embarrassed to admit he’s not okay. Some think it makes them look weak. 10 years is a long time to throw away. I understand the lying is irritating but if it’s not being done to be malicious maybe give him a break everyone lies. There’s an issue here that’s bigger than the lying, he obviously doesn’t feel like he can share these things with you.
He probably doesn’t want to seem weak in your eyes break it down to him that it’s okay to not be so strong all the time ?
If you finding proof and he keeps lying . What more do you need ? Regardless of the years . That’s ten years you can build with someone who’s healthy
First, I’d try to understand why he is lying about it. Is he ashamed? That is common among people who suffer from anxiety abd/or depression. Is he afraid of your judgement? There is reason why he doesn’t want you to know.
LEAVE NOW im not sure why half these men would even THINK a woman would want to be with them or marry them, they need to grow up and learn to be MEN, you want to play your kid games then go play by yourself.
Maybe try counseling before giving up
Have you both tried counseling?
Does he know you want to leave?
Don’t just throw 10 years down the drain without exhausting all options. Have you talked about seeing a therapist?
No matter what anyone says only you can make that choice
Sounds like the drinking is the issue. Talk to him again and tell him you are thinking of leaving him
I throw away 30 years marriage due to emotional and psychological abuse.
It’s probably not that he’s “on anxiety meds” but that he’s like…taking a bunch of them while drinking.
Addiction is not in the “for better or worse”. Drinking and lying about it is addiction.
Mixing anti anxiety pills w alcohol is probably another problem?
I divorced an addict. No regrets.
It only gets worse. Doesn’t get better. Bail before you get emotionally damaged. Or become co dependent?
I agree with the idea of counseling. Typically people lie for one of two reasons, they’re ashamed of their actions or they believe the other person will be ashamed of their actions. Either way presents some problems that need to be addressed with how he feels about himself or how he feels you feel about him. I think you both need help as a couple and he needs help all together.
If you are done you are done. FOLLOW YOUR GUT!!!
Just divorced mine of 11 years for the exact same reason… It gets to the point where you have to let it go and move on, Yes it’s hard but in the end you have to do what’s best for you…
I had to leave an addict. 14 years and i finally figured out i wasnt the problem. I have had so many blessings and good fortune since i left that mess.
You want to leave him because he takes anxiety medication? That’s heartless.
My mother told me” if u look around and nothing means anything anymore, then it’s time to go.
I was married for 20 years and 4 of those were all wrapped in his drug use and lies. I tried for 4 years to understand him and why he was using drugs and then lie about it when he knew I had found it when putting his clothes away. I eventually decided to leave. I tried my best to understand him and why. I told him I’d do whatever it took to help and support him. He chose to not try and with as much as I loved him I was done. I had no regrets about walking away and divorcing. Have no regret, make sure you at least tried that way you can be at peace with moving on
I’m so sorry that you both are suffering and unable to connect. I would say to throw everything but the kitchen sink at fixing your marriage. However, if that doesn’t spark a cord, maybe try looking at it through his eyes for a moment. Going on meds behind your spouses back is very telling. I feel for you both. Best of luck
When you have to ask this question then it’s about time
He’s literally giving you no option but to leave. If he really wanted to make things work and is scared of losing you he would move mountains for you with no hesitation. Leave and let’s see what he does next. You can’t change him, he has to want to change himself.
If you care, instead of leaving him, get him some help, even counselling.
My x husband would deny deni too even with his whiskey bottles I found all outside around our house sitting on our counter they will never admit they feel they have to sneak and lie I had 14 yrs n my marriage
My husband lied, cheated and emotionally abused. I stuck around until my parents were gone and my children were old enough to understand (37 yrs). I still lost my oldest because he blamed me.
Ig u need to decide would u rather stay and try to work it out or leave and be done with this person for life which is more important to u?
Slip a dose of antabuse in his coffee every morning, you’ll know if he drinks alcohol
End it now I had to end a 8 year one…It will only gt worse dnt go back.Your only bettering your self to.end it.
you must be a slow learner or a glutton for punishment. It’s not hard to figure out what to do, but you apparently have trouble doing it.
Umm I would maybe think this through. He’s obviously going through a rough patch, I know we are not in relationships “to fix others” but imagine if he was considering leaving you in your worst time. Address your feelings, communicate openly, take his feelings into consideration and then make sure he’s also listening to yours. I have been with mine 11 years and it isn’t easy we have had our ups and downs. We are no where near perfect and definitely have both been dishonest with each other , but what makes us strong is we don’t give up on each other when the easy door is open. Yes leave if your absolutely miserable and it’s just not safe and not going anywhere but don’t leave when it just starts to get hard. Unless it’s what you truly want then do you but make sure that’s what you really want
Maybe he needs professional help for his vices? Also don’t think of it as 10 years down the drain. You have lived, learned etc. Think of it rather as not throwing your future years down the drain if there is no salvaging the relationship.
Go to therapy first…
I would try to help find ways to communicate…
ONLY U know when enough is enough NO ONE can tell u when u have had enough!
No one can tell you that.
One lie always leads to another. If you cannot trust someone, there’s not much of a relationship. Maybe try counseling. If it were me, I’d bounce.
He’s self medicating and needs your help and support. Go to therapy first.
If he’s not abusing you and not cheating. Please try.
I came home one day and found My husband of ten years and everything he owned gone. No note. Nothing. But I had set up his Facebook and email accounts. Found out he had met a lady online and told her a bunch of bull and she let him move in with her. Sight unseen. So you never know.
The thing is, if he’s lying, he very well may be cheating. Anybody that lies about the smallest things will surely lie about something big
My first thought wouldn’t be about your marriage. Your husband needs your support. Anxiety, depression, it’s a struggle. Especially if he feels he can’t be open about it. Encourage him to find a therapist. Having tools to cope makes a world of difference. Are the lies to cover because he’s embarrassed? You didn’t really say what the issues were. Work on yourself. So you’re in a good place to make that important decision.
Part of addiction/alcoholism is lying about it, my ex husband divorced me because I lied about my drinking and it took me ten more years of self medicating before I got the help I needed. Perhaps going to al anon before ending the relationship would help you, in my experience people who date addicts and alcoholics will attract the same again and again until they get help for themselves. My ex h ended up marrying a drug addict after me, getting help now for yourself can stop this pattern from happening again in the future.
Don’t take it personal. His demons are taking over. He is addicted and needs professional help. It has nothing to do with you. He hides and lies from shame. Don’t be surprised if he is cheating. Get help for both of you. If you aren’t able to deal with his demons move on.
He needs to go to therapy to find out why he feels the need to lie so much. Sounds like a deep seated issue. It also sounds like he is hiding or running from something and denying his way of doing it
I feel that if you think it’s time, its probably time. But also, no one else can tell you when it’s time to end your relationship, you have to figure out what you want to do on your own.
Dont ever give up on him. Problems will try to seperate the 2 of you so dont give in
Sounds like the trust is gone. If that’s the case, it’s over. You can’t build on broken trust.
Alcohol and anxiety medication together is a very dangerous mix.
Please ask him to seek help. That combination can kill him, even the withdrawals can if he’s deep enough into it.
I’m not sure about the relationship part, but please tell him to go to some kind of detox.
Put the relationship to the side for a while & concentrate on trying to get him to accept help for the drinking & medication issues 1st then work from there on anything else the 2 of you need too you may find your relationship isn’t in that much trouble you have to end it once he starts to accept help for the drinking/medication I wish you both well whatever happens
When you’ve had enough, u will know.
I’ve always believed that the truth comes forth, I really tried for 18 years and I was told thousands of times it would never get any better… after the divorce I found out a lot of things that I wish I didn’t never say never
Sounds like self medicating or he has some really bad anxiety and it’s hard to open up about it. Speaking from experience. Try the therapy first. When you do try and talk to him, don’t do it with anger. That’ll make him close up more.
I know how you feel but I can’t go into detail. Just stay strong and take care of yourself
Sounds like alcohol addiction. It’s a disease, and he will need help to stop using. I recommend Alcoholics Anonymous. If he refuses that, you should call Alanon Family Groups and start attending meetings to help you deal with the situation. Very supportive fellowship. All in the same boat.
If you are having to poll others to ask when you should be done, then you are not done. If you were actually done, there’d be no question about it.
So, what next?
You both need individual therapy and couples’ therapy. Your hubby needs to investigate solo why on earth he lies like a small child while in an adult relationship. The roots of it probably run very deep. Still, it’s unacceptable he hasn’t acknowledged, addressed, or fixed this very solvable issue.
You need therapy to sort out why it is you found yourself in a marriage to a compulsive liar. That wasn’t an accident. You’re likely replicating something from your own past.
Lastly, for obvious reasons, you need couples’ therapy to resolve what can be resolved and to determine if what’s left over looks like anything healthy and sustainable.
Try setting an appointment to discuss “issues”. Guidance by a counselor is helpful. Go by yourself, if he won’t attend with you. Co-dependency is real.
You dont u work on it
He might be embarrassed about the meds try not to make him feel bad and try to be understanding as far as the drinking I’m not sure why that even matters unless he has a problem with it lie about about something trival is a little weird BUT he might of did it because of how you might react …I get being frustrated about the lieing and you should talk to him about it but I wouldn’t throw away 10 yrs
He’s probably embarrassed and if you’re displaying anger over his actions rather than compassion and a willingness to find a solution then its only going to exacerbate the situation. Maybe try counseling together? I understand being upset about his behavior, but more often than not what our partners need from us is really difficult for them to convey. It sounds like you could both benefit from relearning how to communicate openly and honestly and its perfectly okay to need help in doing that. If you were in his shoes, how would you want him to treat you? Have your boundaries, but also love and compassion to move forward.
He might not be ready to come to terms with what’s going on with him. Let him come to you. Don’t throw away your marriage because he doesn’t know how to talk about something like that.
Just ask him about it
For me, I tried everything. I tried 4 marriage counselors, a chaplain, a chaplain assistant, a marriage retreat, date night, 30 days of sex, and individual counseling. Nothing helped. That’s when I knew I was done, but I have no regrets because I know I tried everything. If you walk away now you have to know you tried everything or your mind will trick you to take them back.
Since he is on anxiety meds he needs you to be by his side. I’m on them and it’s not easy. I wouldn’t just go throw it out there but I do see where you’re coming from though since he’s your husband. He shouldn’t keep it from you.
I agree with many of the previous comments above definitely be compassionate. He may be embarrassed to come to you or feel you may judge him in an ill manner just like you are now this may be the reason he’s not telling you these things or maybe not. However personally speaking my wife and i definitely benefited from working on communication skills especially when it comes to these types of situations. Even trivial things too. Don’t throw away ten years over your own shallowness
You will feel it in your bones when you are done. You will just be done.
He probably is embarrassed? Unless he is abusing the meds and alcohol?
Their is so much worse out their if that’s his only issue you lucked out ps if you have kids ect that shit is hard I stayed with my husband threw 5 years of drug abuse it was one of the hardest things we ever went threw ! But you know what now I know we can get threw anything honestly it was hell not gonna lie I just kept praying and fighting for him and my family !! Find him a healthy outlet Coucler a close friend who he trusts that will point him in the right direction sometimes but to give up on him because he’s probably abusing them isn’t what you signed up for when you said “I DO “
If you have to ask then its time bc if you wanted to save it you would have asked how to save it.
Pretty sure you’re not supposed to drink on those types of meds or they don’t work just sayin.
Sit him down and tell him flat out that your marriage depends on his honesty. If you love him, reassure him that no matter what, you will be there, but he has to be honest. Sit him down and talk to him and work on getting him help. If at that point, he denies/refuses, then it may be time to end the marriage. A married couple should have no secrets.
Do you really want to waste anymore time? My suggestion. Split. You can always get back together later. Or move on to the next chapter.
When your asking fb when it’s time.
Your husband is struggling, if he is on anti anxiety drugs there is a problem. You need to support. Your lack of support will sink him even lower and with that comes more lies.
It’s time to end the relationship when your questioning if it’s time to end the relationship
How do know? You just know.
He’s crying for help
Go to marriage counselling and see if you can work it out. If not then use the counselling to help guide your separation
I would never throw out a relationship if the root seems to be fear of being honest about his mental health. Sounds like he needs counseling and help, and he is fearful to ask for it.
He’s on anxiety medicine, not hard core drugs with the way your reacting maybe you’re part of the reason he’s medicating and drinking. Give the man a break.
I think you have put in time and effort you cannot fix people. I wasted 15 yrs with same thing just sayin
You don’t end it! You work on it with him!
So he’s on anxiety meds and your solution is to shame him and leave instead of finding ways to help and support him?
He’s probably going through a rough time inside his mind…rather than look at what he’s doing, try find ways to get him to open up to you about why he’s doing it. It’s hard because he may have become reliant on them and will find it hard to let go and him thinking you won’t like him doing it. It clouds the mind of an addict…he may not be an addict. But yeah, thats a tough 1
Just left an 11 year relationship/ marriage and it was the best choice I ever made. Ex had bad problems and I was walking on eggshells by the end. I would lie for him and let too many red flags just pass me by. I know it’s hard because it’s the only life you’ve known and the memories are so hard to get over, but if there’s more bad than good…it’s time to go
My relationship of 20 yrs with my husband ended last year
Sometimes things happen for a reason
I don’t tell my family, and I didnt tell my spouse when I was married. Its my business. Maybe he’s embarrassed, ashamed, feels less than. But when someone need to medicate for anxiety and depression there partner putting them down or walking away makes thing worse, spiral or whatever u at to call it. Just try asking how he’s doing, be open and willing to listen anytime an be pportive instead of accusing, listening. There’s something going on.
He understands mixing alcoholic with anxiety meds can kill him right? If so the. I would raise questions with his doctors/therapist that that may be his goal. I doubt in this case it’s the fact that he has mental health issues but the constant lying (prob gaslighting too) and drinking. No one should have to live with someone constantly changing reality that’s damaging to you. But seriously tell his doctors if he’s mixing the two.
Wasting 10 yrs is better than wasting 20 or 30 yrs…you just know when enough is enough and I think you know . Lying makes you lose respect and trust and when it’s gone there’s not much left. Leave now…
Just have a meaningful conversation with him. Be open to allow him to tell you anything and make a promise before hand to not get angry with him or anything. Just listen. He is most likely not telling you because he doesn’t want to upset you or have you mad at him. Try and help him get through this. I’m sure he loves you very much. He isn’t going to want to throw 10 years down the drain. You do that and his problem might become worse. It would he awful for him to pass away from his actions especially if he’s heartbroken. Don’t condone it but be there for him and try to get him some therapy. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how happy someone seems to be or everything they have in life to be happy for, their own mind can be their worse enemy. My husband didn’t do this, but he still had some very bad problems with his mind. He has contemplated suicide way too many times. It took me a long time to understand this. One night we were driving down the road. We had a good day and everything was fine. I was pregnant with our son and we couldn’t be any happier for him to come. My husband stopped in the middle of the road just balling tears. For a while I thought maybe he regretted marrying me and now that I’m pregnant he feels stuck. But the thing is we dated for 3 years, got married and had been married for 3 years at this time. I was so confused because I was like… if you have been unhappy why didn’t you tell me? I really thought he regretted being with me. But that wasn’t it at all. He couldn’t understand why he felt the way he did. And neither did I. Not long after we had our baby shower. He ran out crying hoping no one would notice. I didn’t notice because there were so many people at our baby shower trying to talk to me. His parents noticed and went outside with him. After the baby shower I found out and at this point I was like okay… you clearly are regretting being with me and regretting our son. He was like NO never! He just happened to have a fight with his own mind during the baby shower and couldn’t control himself so that’s why he ran outside hoping no one would see him. Then he was at work… he thought about jumping over a rail and falling to his death. He was just about to do it until he realized his dad was at the bottom and would have to witness it as well as his wife and child having to be without him so he stopped himself. He told me about this way after this happened. I still don’t understand a lot of it, but I do everything I can to be there for him and push him to go out and do things so we can make memories as a family. He still has his moments but he’s gotten a lot better. He is his saddest when he has to travel several miles away for months at a time for his job assignments and it’s a situation where me and our son can’t go with him. But he knows it’s not forever and once he gets home he gets several months to spend with us and have nothing but family time. He only has to work like 6 or less months out of the year and the rest of that time we get to enjoy life with each other. It’s taken time and it will take more time. He’s not completely better. My husband is a very good man and a loving dad. Sometimes it’s the best people with the purest hearts that sometimes fall and needs some help. Just be there for your husband and try to work through this with him. My husband didn’t turn to pills like yours but he could have. Don’t let this cause you guys to divorce. It’s a bad situation but just be there for him. Plan a spontaneous date night for him and try and do whatever you can to bring some happiness to him. Try and help him see a therapist. If he declines don’t stop trying. Offer to go with him or offer to make it a couples counseling. Stick by his side and help him please. He needs you way more than you realize and you will be happy in the long run you stayed by his side and helped him.
I’m thinking he’s ashamed and embarrassed… and he’s coping with it the best way he knows how. If these are the only 2 things he’s lying about, maybe try to work on it with him. He’s hurting
Sounds like maybe he is embarrassed to be on the meds and maybe he is embarrassed about what is bothering him or doesn’t feel he can talk to you about it. Maybe you can reassure him you will help him get through whatever it is. Seems like he is hurting and coping in the one way he knows how to or that works for him
You want to throw away 10 years for something like that it’s for better for worse till death do you part he needs to leave you