How you know when it's time to end a relationship?

He seems to be embarrassed I keep my ppd a secret from my boyfriend for months worried he would hate me and be embarrassed to take me around friends :sob:

Definitely go to counseling first. See if you can come to terms with the problems in your marriage and work to make things better.

Talk to his doctors about ways to cope/be supportive/understand his behavior and ailments.

If nothing can be resolved and nothing helps after a few (6) months of trying, then use therapy to uncouple in the least painful ways. The more you fight the more of your hard-won assets wind up with the lawyers.

Good luck. I will be rooting for you to come to an understanding and strengthen your marriage, but you both have to put in the work. If you do separate and divorce, I hope you are each able to find happiness and acceptance as you move on.

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Drinking can obviously be a problem… But shaming him for being on anxiety meds?? That’s just as wrong! Many people need meds to cope due to imbalances beyond their control. Be supportive, it’s for better or worse after all…:thinking:

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Work on it & support him ! Leaving him will only make him worst he’s probably wanting your help the most !

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Instead of considering ending the marriage,consider getting help for him. Maybe he’s too ashame to admit he has a problem. If he is on meds now is the time where he needs you support.

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I would call and, report tell the doctor prescribing him the medicine that he not taking his meds proper and drinking . its dangerous combination. If he needs the psych meds to help him cope really nothing wrong with it. He might feel embarrassed he needs them . you have to try not judge n be understanding instead so he feels comfortable enough to talk to you to give you explanation.

Damn!! Wedding vows don’t mean shit to anyone anymore? “For better or for worse?” He’s at his lowest point in his life, suffering with depression alone and you want to leave him?

Is the medication actually prescribed to him? Is he under a doctor’s care using it or is he buying them off of someone? That makes a difference in my opinion.

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When there not willing to seek help or change.

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You stayed 10 years too long

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Find out why he is drinking and tackle that help him get rehabilitated if it’s necessary stop nagging and try to be in his shoes he might be suffering from something major

I mean…10 years is nothing compared to the rest of your life if you feel you’re with the wrong person…

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If you are not happy anymore it’s time. Life is too short.

He’ll NEVER CHANGE! It’s learned behavior & will only get worse. Don’t allow yourself to be so Disrespected, be strong & get out. You’ll feel so much better about yourself! Been there…

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It’s when you’re ready to say I’ve had enough I want better. I’ve done your part and he hasn’t done what he needs to do as a husband and a man.

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when you married a man or a woman, it means everything and anything that you’re partner have you have to accept it. Even better or worse and until the end of your life! that’s the promise of the vows ,that you may embrace it full it up when he she falls down give more love and important is respect tobe respected too

Your know when the time is right to call to end it. Don’t say you wasted your time, say you learned from it. Good luck!

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Sounds like to me. He’s self medicating and ashamed to have the anxiety issue. I did it exactly that…

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iT’S NOT here that you need to find the help,.get professional help and soon.and like the lady says, your vows for better or for worst, in sickness and in health. find the help but not on here ,your minister, wherever you have to go to get it .

I kept asking the same question and my friend told me “you’ll know”. Not helpful, but I hit rock bottom in the situation and knew peace when I decided enough was enough, no questions, just a sense that it was right. I walked away after doing all I could to save myself. Sending you peace to light the way until you know.

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I’m sorry you’re going through this! Mental illness is rough on not only the person but also the family. He may be embarrassed more so than being sneaky on purpose. I’ve lived it

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He needs treatment as these are very addictive and can cause seizure if he stops suddenly…

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Be careful what you wish for. If he is unpredictable, when told you are leaving. Your well being could be at risk. Be very careful.

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Get some professional help here sweetie. Neither you nor your husband are qualified or equipped to deal with the issues he has in his life but outside intervention would help him to understand and face his demons. Then with your support you can both help him heal, help you start to trust again with every chance that you can move your relationship on into a new, happier place that works for you both. Don’t give up just yet - this is a remedy you haven’t tried and it could be the cure Love light and blessings to you both :heart: xx

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Oh my dear I feel your pain. My husband is an alcoholic and on anti depressants. He’s been dry for a month this go around until today, came home at 10 pm lit. Because of his actions, we no longer share the same bed, we are 2 people that share the same house. Because of our debt He’s still living here but there really isn’t anymore love on my end, he’s taken that away over the years. We’ve been together 12 years and married for 8 of them…I’ve only had 5 full years of happiness …that’s when he was sober. I want him gone but I can’t handle the debt load on my own.

Your husband has an illness there is an organization for families and friends of people who have a drink problem called allanon contact them for yourself

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You already know the answer it is fear that holds us back xxx

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Get some professional help for yourself. When you know where you end and he begins you will be able to make a good decision.

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It’s better to end it at 10 years than to waste 20 years :cry:

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If She or He, makes you coffee and it’s not hot enough

You do what is right for you and your children you can not help someone that does not want to be helped

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I was 4 weeks before our 10 year anniversary and I walked with the kids…too many broken promises and failures

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He seems to think it’s not causing any problems. Have u read Loving what is? Katie Byron was a nervous wreck…slept w a gun under her pillow. She realized thoughts can get u doing other things. Check her book out. Helps u ask urself 4 questions…in ur current way of seeing things. She got out of her head…she got good at seeing what her thots might look like if u dropped one ( like a repeating phrase u tell urself). How wd ur life be if u didn’t have that 1? And is it absolutely true? We see the exaggerations…we just didn’t say about the good parts. So u get analyzing…to get a real look at How u see it all…or miss the exact moments …u cd say what is happening…with less interpretations what they “mean”. In the past…I did trust and kept communication with partners. That feature of me got taken advantage of…other relationships occurred as though Ours was not relevant. It’s a strange thing…we do have a public self…a private self. When u attempt to be less like you are…its likely you are not really being your genuine self…in the predominant basis/life agreements you do. Two stories of what is…what isn’t…can make areas not align. My partner said its all OK. Yet he knew he was showing private concerns to others( who may appear to be neutral…but arent). Its a lot of lying by omission…or intention…to create a picture nothing has changed. Marked changes do demand a degree of accountability. U can’t dismiss a partner and hope they are ok with Not knowing what’s going on. Factors of relating require feeding…who they are…confirmations, short term adjustments are discussed…bc u care about it…and how it will cause changes in your day, life, work etc… And ur partners. Good relating aids goals of relating. Friends have boundaries…this part can get tricky if u don’t observe their actions. Family feeds what aids their growth…Hope that remains the focus! I don’t think people plan to stop loving someone…but it takes more than hoping u in ur day and them in theirs is going to go without thought, expression or bonding for their relationship. Values need to be understood…they set the tone. Contradictory values make for difficulties one may not be able to " love". Makes u think what u started with. How do those values keep a thread going…to enhance ur lives? Good levels of managing are needed…sensitivity is key. Secrets don’t truly help u understand. Hopefully love finds more reasons to stay than not stay. Depends what love definition u speak and do.

12 years and I left in August of 2020 after my ex went on a rampage. He is bipolar and was drunk and attacked me. Never looked backed but it’s taking it’s time to get over everything.

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If you do not have trust you have no foundation to rebuild on!!

Hmm did you ever think he had a mental illness??? Maybe he uses alcohol as a coping mechanism!!! Would end a relationship if he had cancer?!?!

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Maybe he lies because of the way you react when he tells you any thing. But that
still don’t make it right.

First he needs to realize he needs help but it sounds like he is in denial. He can only do it if he wants to. And the way he is lying and hiding it from you does not sound like he wants the help. Maybe take some time apart from each other and see if he will finally get the help he needs. If after you are apart for awhile and he still doesn’t want help then it most likely time to move on.

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Asking him or yelling at him and blaming him? Are talking to him to hear what he has to say or talking to him to tell him what you need to say? Ask him why he doesn’t trust you? Ask him if he is willing to do counseling? If he isn’t willing to work on the relationship or trust you, then you have your answer. If he blames you, it is up to you to figure out if there is a hint of truth about you being judgmental. Then ask yourself if he can trust you or not, if not, then you have your answer. If he blames you because that is his defense mechanism and deflection mode because he can’t, ever, tell the truth, then you have your answer. If it doesn’t matter because you have just had enough, then you have your answer.

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When do you throw away 10 years ? Today ! Life is too short.

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He should be worried about mixing medication and alcohol has he spoken to a doctor with you with him maybe that’s why hes frightened to admit it to you incase you leave him what about counselling for you both

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He’s obviously ashamed and embarrassed. This is hardly a game changer for me; in my opinion.
It could be so much worse. He could be a serial killer.
Whatever happened to “in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer for poorer”?
Do people just recite these words or do they sincerely mean what they say?
I would look into myself and take a good look in the mirror before I make any drastic moves. If I were you.

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Isn’t he trying to change by taking the meds? Why would you end a relationship when someone is clearly trying? Maybe. Just maybe he was concerned you’d leave if he told you?!

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Unpopular opinion apparently but don’t let yourself get dragged down. No matter how much help you give someone, nothing is going to change his actions unless he wants them to change. The fact that he’s lying means he doesn’t. You matter too.

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I can relate to your problem my husband lies cheats and cares less that he pays our bills and yes its been like this for 38 years.hes been in hospital for 8 weeks and day b4 he went in was when I found out for sure that he was cheating again…

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Lying is a non-forgivable offense. You need to decide what is going to work for you and lay your cards on the table. ie counseling, rehab, or…?

Have you tried counseling? Sometimes rhey do great things.

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Only you will know that nobody and I mean nobody can tell when enough is enough your heart will tell you

I would help him set up an appointment for help to get off drugs. Hopefully he take your help and work with you not against you!

Men don’t like to admit when they have a problem, need to set down with him and let him know you will understand if he will talk to you about it and maybe you both can work on the issue If not give him a choice you are his lies

Support him. Be there for him. He will tell you when he’s ready to. He probably don’t want you to worry. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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No one likes to be on any kind of medication. For your partner to lie should be enough to signal you aren’t supporting him.
But when is enough enough “when you think about it”.

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You can’t fix him…fix yourself and go to Alanon

It took 20 years to escape my abuser. Basically you have to search your soul and make the decision. Maybe you could talk to a counselor or clergyman for guidance or to help you cope or make that decision. Maybe a friend can help you choose what to do. If you have kids they are being negatively affected by all of this. best wishes

Maybe he feels guilty for drinking that’s why he tries to lie about it.

Same way a wife had been unfaithful to her husband since 2006 and had lied about it every time her husband asked her…

Maybe you should think over about leaving him. You say he would never cheat on you that is a big thing,

Mental health issues are very difficult to deal with. My partner of 32 years is now suffering. She doesn’t always know she’s lying to me, we have terrible rows, but we still love each other and also have good times.
Try to get professional help, it’s not easy to get the right people but don’t give up.
If you love each other, keep trying.

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You asked yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life

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Are you sure about that?

It’s enough when you say it is

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Rather support your husband. You don’t know what he is going throug.

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Suggest couples therapy. Or go yourself. It’s amazing how much it will help you clarify your thinking.

I would suggest counseling!! He needs some kind of a help to get off drugs

Do it now! Why loose 11 years!!

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Both of you seek counseling first

Only him can change thing’s not you

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Stand by ur man…he needs u now more than ever, he would stand by u

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I would not give up for this. Must be more going on. Give support nit condemn

Lying destroys trust and trust is the basis of a good relationship. Tell him goodbye and save your sanity

Well I mean he clearly thinks you will and do judge him for having anxiety soo maybe it’s a both of you communication thing

I would talk about his drinking but never for anxiety meds jeez I’m on them for panic and social anxiety and drinking if it’s a weekend thing then so what as long as he’s not hitting u damage thing a mean drunk but if it’s from 8am to bedtime leave for a few weeks

Don’t put up with another minute I did for 13 years. Snd I left 12 years ago snd he is still going it with someone else. It’s who he Is snd the way he wants it. Just my opinion

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If the anti-anxiety are his prescription meds why would you be upset? Maybe he is embarrassed to say he is having issues. That isn’t uncommon for anyone but men feel more stigmatized I think because of our toxic masculine issues.

Counseling maybe a better way to go? It seems it might be helpful for you to talk this out with someone before acting on it

You know the true answer.

Does anyone on here have depression or anxiety? It’s hard to talk with your partner. I know I suffer from Bi-polar depression and anxiety from PTSD and MST. I couldn’t talk to my wife of 30 years. I talk to a counselor every week and the doctor about my medicine every three months. It is also a possibility that he may be on a medication that he cannot take a anxiety medication because it will cause to many side effects. I know I’ve done that. Don’t give up sit with him and get help. He may find it easier to talk with a peer to peer counselor who’s been through what he’s going through. I know this too. I do this every week as well. It’s saved my life and marriage. Once he starts getting straightened out he will find it easier to talk with you. Take it from and experienced veteran who’s been there. Oh yes I did try to commit suicide quite a few times because of these problems. Now I’m doing good and have a good relationship.

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Get rid of him will never change

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Try marriage counseling

Maybe he just wanted you not to worry😢

How is what he’s doing affecting you? is he miss treating you or just drinking some without ur permission? if hes miss treating u while drinking or taking meds then leave, if he is doing illegal things like abusing someone elses meds then leave but if u just want control seek help

Ever think u r the cause?

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Stop asking and get him some help…

Get some counselling

Maybe talk to a professional. Sorry it’s happening.

…he needs help. personally i wont leave him if he doesnt cheat n doesnt beat/abuse you n your kids in any way (he is still himself, being a responsible n loving father to your kids n husband to you), doesnt put you n your fam in danger financially either.

Watch the movie The Mexican (Julia Roberts /Brad Pitt)… You will know which part applies… :wink:

Ok im outside the arcade on a bench

Sometimes people should keep opinions to themselves you will know when to walk away if you want to If my husband had walked when I was at my lowest it wasnt drugs or alchohol we would not be going into my fiftieth year of marriage

He’s probably lying about a lot of other things too.

If you’ve had enough… leave.

It’s time when you start questioning if you should leave.

Just don’t waste eleven. Move on

That’s what men do, lie, lie, lie!

People who lie like this usually don’t change. Divorce him. Life is too short. Oh, and if you think he’s not lying about cheating or other stuff then you’re being naive.

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Something obviously bothering him. Sometimes it’s hard for people to talk about what’s bothering him. You shouldn’t throw away 10 years of marriage just because of this. He needs help and your support. Try to be helpful and understanding. Maybe that’s why he hid it from you. He knew how you would react and it made him more anxious so he got the medicine behind your back. The drinking could be another coping mechanism for something else that’s bothering him.

An option would be counseling before you just leave. If you can do it dispassionately (I REALLY struggle with that), ask him how important you are to him. That will help you determine if he’s willing to try to save it.

Be prepared with a plan if he says he wants to work at it and with an exit strategy if he doesn’t.

Very important tools: “I” language…not “you lie to me” but “I’m uncomfortable (unhappy, etc.) when you lie to me.” “You” language is accusatory; “I” language is less confrontational.

Even a mouse, when it’s cornered, will fight.

Another tool is called rephrasing. Its a great tool for forcing people to take responsibility for their words. The tool is, playing back to them what you heard them say, but IN YOUR WORDS. Words mean different things to different people. By telling him WHAT YOU HEARD, rather than what he said, he may begin to get it.

A third tool is asking questions rather than making statements. HARD!!! I know, believe me, but well worth it.

You may want to get some counseling on how to address the issues so you can discover the best way to handle it.

I wish you all the best of success…whichever decision you come to. Hugs!

I left after 28 years. Had no money for three years, but life was much happier without the stress. Should have kicked him out years before, but I thought if I tried enough, he’d quit drinking. They don’t

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Sounds “corny” but I would think he needs understanding and support . Love is never easy, and 10 years wasted, wouldn’t erase them.? Just my opinion, Good luck to you both.

I think that you know the answer, I think that you need to hear that you’re doing the right thing and you are. If he won’t admit there’s an issue and work on it he never will.

Life is short. If you love him, then stay. If you dont, move on