I am broken and torn

It’s been ten years and only for the first 3-4 years of our relationship was I willing and excited to show affection and/or have sex. Nowadays it just feels like a chore. I want him so badly, yet he just “doesn’t do it for me”… I want more and I want different. Fucked up right? How dare I want something different? I was a teenager when we met (18-19) and he was 24-25… our wants and needs continuously change. He holds it against me though. That’s whatever. I love him but I don’t want him. AT ALL. Is he attractive? HELL YEAH! But we no longer have an emotional connection. We have two kids together 5 and 7 and I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is almost 12 and he has been her “dad” since she was 2 years old. I left for a year and came back, but I honestly felt guilted back…. Because of our children and how off they were being and acting so of course I caved…. He is so manipulative and so narcissistic… I know the signs DAMN WELL, but I can’t resist this f**** up manner so to speak… I have support in all directions. I don’t know what to do. When I left the first time my oldest daughter started resenting me because she didn’t have her own room anymore. And when this toxic ten year relationship guy is around she has her own room. Granted if it wasn’t for me he would not have this house. I’m not trying to boast or gain myself attention, but I’m not kidding. The circumstances that led up to us technically purchasing this house together was all because of me. Because I didn’t have the credit, it’s under his name and I cannot legally claim this house as “mine”.

I know I can’t make everyone happy, I know my kids come first. Absolutely. But when do I get to become happy again… without him? I hate him. I put on a show for my kids because the first time I left for a year they were devastated and acted out soooo so much.
I’m at a loss. I am broken and torn. I wanna give up. My kids are my thriving point. WHAT GIVES?!

My oldest daughter is dealing with newly found depression and anxiety too…. me leaving this man will only trigger that more. We are currently and progressively working on her mental health . She’s not fighting alone.

I just need solid advice without someone bashing me for being a crappy mom. Both me and their dads work full time. Our kids always come first though.

Just looking for other parental guidance.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I am broken and torn

I was in your boat for 10 years too! Just finally left my kids dad I was just dead inside now I’m with a man who makes me so much happier mentally physically we only live once. You need to be happy I say just leave and do you and your kids and everything will work itself out will it be hard doing it alone yes but you got this. Especially if you might have family or friends for support good luck mommas

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Your daughter is watching you… She’s learning that her mental & emotional health doesn’t matter.
A busted relationship doesn’t raise well adjusted children.
Got. Out.
Get therapy for everybody.
Move forward toward being fully healthy & building healthy relationships.

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First of all leave. Secondly your kids are kids, don’t stay just to ‘make them happy’. Talk to them in an understanding way. “Mummy (mum) and daddy (dad) are no longer happy together, it’s fine. You are still going to see both of us.”

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Your oldest daughter is dealing with depression and anxiety due to the home environment. Leave seriously leave and Get the kids into therapy. It’s better for you and the kids in the end and I can guarantee it after a month or so after you leave you’ll see a change within yourself and you’ll begin to heal and love yourself again. Don’t stay cause of the kids.

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leave him your happiness counts for too much for you to rationalise staying

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Me and my husband have been together 9 years married 2 years and we are more in love then ever we do what we can to keep each other happy we both work full time with 5 kids we are only 32 and it’s a partnership with everything it’s never been a chore for either of us even when I went through bad mental health he helped me every step of the way
Talk about it with your husband and seek counseling otherwise walk away

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I cant give you much advice but I don’t think you’re awful or a bad person. I’m going through something similar. You do deserve to be happy

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I don’t think you are a crappy mom at all. you are miserable but you are trying to put your kids first. Please see a counselor and get some therapy. Find out what is missing in this relationship so you can be the happy person you used to be. Most likely all of you need some therapy sessions. I don’t think you love this person anymore, but you can’t continue on living like you are caught in a trap. See a therapist sweetie, so you can be happy again!

People stick around for the kids sake all the time it’s selfless to do it for the kids it’s admirable.

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Your kiddos watch you and even putting up a show they know and feel what’s the truth. I would get out, surround yourself with good people that will help you emotionally and mentally and everyone will understand eventually and move on. It’s better in the long run for you and for your kiddos too… it’s sad but it’s the right thing to do

Isn’t anything you purchase together considered marital property when you split? Are you sure the house isn’t half yours?

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Your children deserve to have a happy mom. They deserve to see a man loving you correctly or this cycle of being with narcissistic partners will move on to them until someone says no this is enough i deserve better. Maybe leave him and if she threatens or tries something 72 hold her for her safety. They can regulate her meds and get her to a place where she can be safe again.

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You are not a crappy mom because you want to find happiness…you deserve to live a life where you are fullfilled.It happens in relationships.If you are not happy take the steps to leave.

You need to put your kids and yourself first.
Maybe your need therapy and time out for a while to sort through things

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First of all a 12 year old needs her own space she shouldn’t be sharing anything with a 7 & 5 year old even if that means making the dining room the younger two bedroom. Secondly If you have proof of contributions of payment that house is half yours married or not. If you are married that house is automatically half yours

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I cant relate to this post. Hubby is my everything. 16 years together and he still excites me and makes me happy. I am still in love. I just know if my spouse felt this way I’d want them to leave and be happy. Is counseling an option? Maybe go to counseling and get it all out in the open. How you find happiness.

You are at different points in your sexuality. Looks like you are approaching 30yrs & he approaching 40yrs. Two very different times for men & women. Men’s sex drive goes down at that time & women’s goes up. I mean what do you not find attractive at all?? Is he just not giving you the time or attention? If that’s the case have his testosterone levels checked. Then have an honest discussion with him about what u need & want.

I was witty my children s (12 and 7) for 17 years. He’s a narcissist. It got to the point where we were arguing every day in front of the kids. It started to where he was just verbally abusive when he was drinking and would make me feel like I wasn’t good enough and I should be grateful to have him. Then it became physical. I was a stay at home mom so I had nothing. We weren’t married and I too helped buy the house we had before kids and my name wasn’t on anything. Financially I was dependent on him and he knew it. I thought staying for the kids was the best as well until I saw my children mental health deteriorated by our constant arguing and them seeing their mom being beaten. I finally got out this past July with my children. They knew it was for the best and they are thriving now and happier than I’ve ever seen them. He still verbally abuses me because he still wants control. I slept in the living room for 6 months before I moved out. I couldn’t stand to lay next to him anymore not to mention him trying to touch me in any way. I went from not having to worry about bills or anything money wise to living day by day financially but it’s all worth it. I’m happy and at peace and so are my children. He sees them whenever he wants because it’s important to me that he’s still in their lives. As stated in other comments I was so afraid my 12 yr old daughter would think that was acceptable behavior in a relationship and that my 7 yr old son would think it’s ok as well. Staying for the children is not a thing, the children and you deserve to be happy and at peace. The unhappiness that you feel will show and trickle down to the kids. It’s not easy by any means to leave but it’s the healthiest thing for you and the children. You got this momma. Seek help from family and friends and maybe get the kids counseling. Talk to them and explain to them why, they will understand the rest. Positive thoughts, strength and much love sent your way❤️

Leave. Your kids aren’t going to be happy if you’re not happy. Get therapy. Live your life.

‘I want him so badly, I love him’, ‘I hate him, I dont want him’. Which is it? Do yourself, him and your kids a favour and let the man go.

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If you are financially helping with the house, regardless of the initial credit issues, why did or aren’t you having your name added to the title now?

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Putting your kids first includes NOT staying with toxicity because of convenience by showing them to stand up for themselves no matter the cost. Trust me. I know.

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You need some counseling. It will definitely help

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You can’t effectively care for your children if you’re not caring for yourself first. Yes, our children come first but a child doesn’t deserve a broken, depressed mother. They deserve a happy one. Of course the kids will be upset because the life they’ve had will no longer be the “norm” for them but eventually they will adjust. If you feel this strongly about the situation you need to start doing what you have to. As far as not wanting to trigger your oldest, start stacking money on the side so when you do decide to leave you can get into a house which accommodates ALL of you & your growing needs… your oldest needs her own room so that should be priority when looking for another place. You’ve dealt with this issue for a long time, it sounds like, so dealing for a little more inorder to ensure an adequate new home and next step is doable. Keep your head up and start planning your next move. You got this.

You are not a bad mom for wanting your own happiness! We cannot take care of others if we cannot take care of ourselves. Loving someone and being in love with someone are two completely different things. It’s okay for you to want more. The kids are not a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship. Splitting up will change everyone’s lives and it won’t be easy, but if it’s what’s best, then you do it and take it one step at a time.

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Have you ever had really good marriage counseling?? YOU NEED IT!!!

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Grass is not greener it’s just different grass

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Talk with your husband. See where you guys stand. And if you are both dine. Try and see if you can live together and co parent for the kids. If this leads to you guys being with other people you can do that stuff outside the house and away from the kids.

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Do NOT feel guilty for wanting different. I was with a man a couple years back and was totally obsessed and one day I just wasn’t. Didn’t even so much as want him to kiss me goodbye​:confused: It happens​:pleading_face::heart:

I stopped reading as soon as I hit the part about “how dare I want something different” that is self gaslighting and not his fault, everything wrong is not his fault, you have some responsibility there to
I suggest get yourself in counseling and go from there

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You went from “I want him so bad” to “I don’t want him at all” to “I hate him” - which is it?

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The relationship sounds unhealthy in all directions. Unfortunately I am going to say go your separate ways. I suggest therapy for yourself and your kids. Even now prior to leaving. I am sure you have a lot of past healing you need to deal with and finding yourself to be able to be in a healthy relationship. To truly be able to love yourself deep down to know your worth and what you deserve. Do it now while your kids are still young so you’re able to set a good healthy example for them.

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If your child is going thru all this… that is NOT a great home! Get your kids out of there and work on yourself

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I would just think about it this way, do you want your children to be trapped in a relationship they don’t want to be in? No? Good, then leave

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You only live once. If your not happy leave. Children will bounce back . They need two parents who are happy. They can feel it

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Never quit dating or being his sweetheart - never.
Stay away from sweats … they are a turn-off for guys.
Talk to each other-like you did when you fell for each other.
Sit next to him, touch him in loving ways, without any thoughts of sex… You both should do that; don’t ask him, he’ll get it :wink:)
You CAN fall back in love with him ; give it time…
<3 I promise

You should seek counseling I bet you yourself changed and you need to realize you are just as much at fault for this relationship being how it is. So many get comfortable and lazy and dont put forth effort and work to make it healthy. If you’re not happy leave but be prepared for the consequences.

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I don’t know I think maybe you need some help first you say you I love you but you don’t want him but you wish you did and he’s sexy as hell but then you go on to say that he’s this and that this and that that doesn’t make any sense to me I could see you wanting to leave if it was because of his behavior and his narcissistic ways but when you first started saying was that you do love him you just don’t want anyone somebody else he doesn’t do it for you so which one is it there’s no in between either he’s a shitty fucked up person that treats you not good or you just don’t want to man

Sounds like you fell out of love. It happens. Best thing you can do for yourself is leave. Your kids yes they’re number one but in order for them to be number 1 you gotta take care of yourself as well. I have said it lots of times to myself how can I be a better mom if I don’t take care of myself.

I think in this situation the 2 of you finding that spark again would help… maybe try counseling

You should get into marriage counseling.

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I was in somewhat the same type of situation, he was seeking attention elsewhere however. He is/was narcissistic as well. Nothing was his fault, and he’d get mad at my reaction to literally anything. He was a pro at pushing me until I would be on the verge of a nervous break down and then when it hit the fan, love bomb and do the “things will be different” and in days be right back at it. By the end of the marriage I couldn’t even look at him, we didn’t speak, there was just nothing (but arguments) until that is I left. I was also worried about my kids, however after the first few months, they got used to things and they’re now doing wonderful. I can also say that things between he and I are better. We’re not “friends” by any means, but we can sit and have decent normal conversations now. It’s better for our kids, and better for the both of us. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be, no matter how long and hard you try.

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I didn’t read anywhere in this where she said they were married! Everyone keeps saying it but I didn’t read that. A narcissist can literally suck the life out of you! Get yourself in therapy and you will start to see how you deserve so much more!

You’re name should’ve been put on the deed too!!! That wasn’t a good idea not to put it on it!!!

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Okay so the big question is….

What advice would you give to your daughter if she was telling you this???

As a mum I would say, get out. Miserable parents make for miserable kids. It’s your relationship not working, not your kids’. Acting out is normal for such a life changing alteration but they will readjust with time. My parents were separated and my sister and I were absolutely fine. Double Xmas, birthdays, easters, family holidays etc. And happier parents x

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You need to get professional help also…to strengthen you!!!

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Your post is a bit all over the place and I agree with you getting counseling. You go from saying you love him and want him badly then at the end say all these things about him and hate him, I think you are confused.

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You staying in a loveless, abusive, narcissistic relationship is NOT putting your kids first and your eldest daughter’s mental health is a direct result. You say you have help in all directions, lean on it and get yourself in a better position for your kids.

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You need to take a step back and look at his relationship with your daughter from and outside perspective. If hes not treating you well, why would he be inclined to treat her well. And maybe those feelings against him are manufesting as feelings against herself because she cant get out of the situation unless YOU take her out of it.

Get a lawyer, and start there. Talk about getting your name on the deed. Look into what it is you need to feel safe and secure.
Get therapy for yourself because you ate going through a lot and that weight cant be easy to carry.

Ive been through the narcissim so I understand being all over the place with the emotions.
Ebbs and flows are normal in a relationship, and you do have to put forth effort into keeping the spark alive. Lots of effort.

BUT… what you are describing is abuse. And abuse only gets worse!

The thing that helped me let go was the realization that what I was holding on to was not the relationship but what I KNEW it could be if we both put in the effort. I was holding on to the dream, the fantasy, of the life we could build together. But building a life together requires that you both have the same life in mind, and that you both put equal amounts of effort towards it constantly. If he isnt willing to put in that effort, or if your ideal lives cant find a way to align, you need to let go and allow yourselves to find the happiness you both seek and deserve.

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I think y’all should try marriage counseling & if he won’t go with you, go alone

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You cannot stay with an abusive :man: to keep a kid from acting out. Leave and put everyone in counseling.

not messed up at all, although that’s what most women call it when we men say things like that. You are not alone.

You need to leave for your sanity. You are going crazy, constantly wondering what if, where should I be, why am I here. You matter, too. But please get your daughter extra help during that time also.

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You sound toxic and a bit of a narcissist yourself. Maybe work on yourself and stop blaming others

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You need to seek counseling for yourself. A qualified counselor will be able to help guide you to a good decision for you & your children. People here don’t know enough details to give you a good answer. There is so much more about this to know in order to give you proper advice.

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So do you love him or hate him because you said both?? It almost sounds like youre a bit narcissistic/toxic yourself
Have you explained to him what it is you’re wanting and how your needs have changed? Sounds like y’all need therapy or you need to just get out of that relationship

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Honestly, I know it sounds cliché but…marriage counseling. Just have the mind set whatever is brought up at counseling, stays at counseling. No reprimanding one another for bringing up a hard subject to talk about there. It truly saved my marriage years ago and will always recommend it before calling it quits for anyone.

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I’m sorry but this whole thing stinks of getting relationship advice from memes shared on Facebook and too much time dreaming about others better lives and better partners of insta, the grass is not always greener

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The best thing my mother ever did for herself and her children was leave my toxic father.

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Coming from someone who has been there, done that, I’m thinking she was scattered brained just to quickly get her point across. We don’t know the entire story. Therapy is definitely needed in my opinion. Beyond that and anything suggested is his/her choice. I personally, would leave. This sounds like an unsafe relationship. To the very few of you being negative. How dare you?! This is suppose to be a safe space!!

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I saw an old couple being interviewed one time as they were celebrating something like 60 years married. They asked how they had stayed together so long. I have never forgotten the old guys response. He said “we never fell out of love at the same time” relationships take lots of work and 100 percent from both sides. If you have the 3Cs you can make it work. They are. Communication, Caring, and Commitment. You cant fix things by turning away from your marriage. As long as you’re not in an abusive relationship then I think you should work on those 3Cs for yourself and your whole family. If anyone’s in an abusive relationship then get out as fast as possible. Goodluck❤