My daughter will be 7 next month. Her biological father has never really been in her life and it caused Adjustment Disorder. We see her “feelings doctor” (pediatric psychiatrist) twice a month and have made great progress!
Her Dad came into her life when she was 4, they get along phenomenally.
Little sister was born in 2020, set us back a bit with her Adjustment Disorder but nothing too bad.
Baby sister was just born last month (it’s the last baby) and this time… it’s different.
Lately everything that Dad, or even I, say results in a full-fledged meltdown. She never had tantrums as a toddler so it’s relatively new to me to be seeing (especially at almost 7) her screaming and flailing.
I’ve tried talking to- not at- her about how we should behave, tried asking her to talk about her feelings, asked if she wants time to herself, asked if she wants one on one time with me or her Dad… nothing helps. It can be something as simple as asking her to brush her teeth before school or putting on shoes.
I’m worn thin and out of ideas… has anyone dealt with similar, and what helped you and your little get back on track? I miss my happy little girl
Maybe try doing one on one time once a week with you then once a week with her dad or both of you? I know it’s probably hard with the baby but helping her feel individually important might help? Also make sure to stay consistent in consequences for any misbehavior like the tantrums. Screaming and throwing a fit is not appropriate. Do time out for 7 minutes (no attention or toys/items while in time out) make sure you tell her why she’s there and tell her again before you release her and have her sayi sorry. Then kisses and hugs and everything starts anew.
Also maybe look into a privilege board where she can do stuff like chores or help with baby to get privileges and it can also be something you can take one away after a warning for misbehaving. I know you feel bad about her biological dad but she needs structure and discipline. Good luck 
Maybe try doing some art with her like a paint night or coloring together. She might reveal her emotions in another way
She is so young she probably doesn’t even understand her feelings herself. Just make sure she gets that one on one time so she understands she isn’t being replaced and keep loving her, keep it up with the feelings doctor. It sounds like you are already doing everything right mama. Hopefully after a bit she feels her needs are being met and feels normal again.
Maybe have little dates with her each of you separately and together without other babies around.
See if her “feelings Dr” can do some art therapy. It’s amazing what a child will share thru a drawing without even realizing. I changed my son to art therapy and it was the best thing for him. Best of luck Mom!!!
Does she need you to be present when she does the things you ask? Like is it because you arent with her and may be w the smaller siblings instead?
I’d recommend seeing the “feelings doctor” more often. (If possible) also, family counseling may help you understand her better and show her you want to be there for her too
Stop responding to the tantrums. You are giving her the immediate attention and all eyes on me that she is seeking. 7 is definitely old enough to be able to tell them, “I’m sorry but I really don’t like you when you behave that way. I’ll talk to you when it you are done.” And walk away. Don’t give any sort of reaction to it.
The way I always dealt with any meltdown or outburst or any of this type of behaviour from my kids is to turn my back on it. Not in a not caring way. In a yes I know you need to do this so do it you are allowed to feel this way way . The literal second it stopped because yes I was paying attention my child got my immediate attention. Whatever I was doing came second and I focused on my child that needed me. I found if I was available when that outburst stopped and that first moment of calm hit we could actually talk. The feelings were still there to be communicated but not the heightened anxiety and anger. I know personally I don’t want to be asked what’s wrong or told my behaviour isn’t ok or be expected to talk about my feelings when they are crazy and I dont understand them myself. I wait it out . Let my child vent and do whatever is needed to release the feelings then I’m there the minute they are ready to be supported. Are any of us ever ready to be supported when we feel like our brain is on fire so to speak.
Ylang ylang essential oil and a carrier oil rolled on them or diffused can help calm a tantrum down in about 5 minutes I use this in my household
Your attention is going to the baby and she doesn’t get that, she was the only child for how long and now has to share it with not one but 2 younger siblings, make sure she gets time with both of you, she’s just feeling neglected but won’t tell you so the tantrums are her easiest way as well. Ignore them. Let her do them and see they get her zero attention
Young one - sounds like she runs the house. First off - she is a child - she doesn’t understand her feelings- you said you “tried talking to- not at- her”. Young one - talk with her - teach “ active listening skills”
You need to share with her the responsibilities that come with being the oldest. When you take care of the lil’ ones have her there and explain- she went through this with you -and that they can’t take care of themselves yet like she can. She is going to be there when your not - teach her how to be. Then when the toddler gets old enough teach her to - this in itself will big a bond and be “ well adjusted” kids. I am the oldest of 10 - 20years between me and my baby brother. I am my Momma’s #2 -
When I had a tantrum as a child I got my butt whooped! Everything nowadays is either a medical issue or psychological issue! Maybe it’s an issue of children running the show not the adults !
Doctor Horvath in vandalia. Has a machine where they can scan the brain and see like ADHD odd all kinds of things like that and different spectrums it’s like they play a computer game and their monitored that might be a way to help you
The terrible two’s is just the brain teaching the child to get themselves calmed down during extreme stress. It is a very important part of learning. Kids have to learn self control with the minimal amount of interference, so they learn on their own. Its a lesson they will learn one way or the other eventually if they dont learn it as a toddler. The new baby may have triggered something in her, even jealousy.
Ignore her and do not respond. Leave her flailing
So might sound me but it works is you don’t give attention when they are having the meltdown. When they are calm then you talk to them I have a little one with autism so I get the struggle it’s hard some days but I was told this by her head person at therapy which she goes to 5 days a week and since doing it she has less meltdown n is more likely to do what she is ask/told to do cuz she knows she is one not going to get the attention for that behavior n two she going to have to do what ever it was any ways
We dealt with something similar to this with my daughter when she had anxiety though she was much younger. If you’ve already made her therapist aware and it’s not helping, ask if a secret recording of her meltdowns might help. Obviously don’t let her know you are recording, but our therapist said it helped to actually see the meltdowns to assess and help her.
Kids go through things, just like adults. And just like adults, they have to learn to buckle up, put it aside and have a productive day. I am a Mom of 5, and with my huge family I have basically spent my entire life raising kids. I know my opinion is not the most popular. But I say this with all kindness. Sometimes, we need to step up with discipline to model for our children how to discipline themselves. She may very well be going through some things, but we all have to learn that we can not let our emotions take control. We cannot have melt downs, no matter what our issue is. I tell my kids, it is ok to get mad. It is ok to feel sad, emotions are ok, and completely normal. But they have got to learn to deal with those emotions in a good way. Not by throwing fits or hurting people’s feeling. I let them know that it is not acceptable, and I will not tolerate it. Best of luck to you Momma, follow your heart.
She needs to be sent to a pediatric psych ward.
Do you know why the checkout lane at grocery stores are lined with candy? statistics are quite favorable that rather than risk a scene parents will give in and comply, whether its for attention or to extort for something kids have been known to use meltdowns as long as they get favorable response from their parents, you are in control , reward or decline
It could be sensory issues.
Children DO NOT KNOW how to regulate thier emotions. Its OUR job to teach them how. My advice…i have an 8 yr old who does similar things. I tell her your allowed to be angry but we will not break things or hurt others. Go into your bedroom scream into your pillow whatever you need to do once your calm come back and talk to me. I also always tell her i love her so she knows that im not taking my love away by disciplining her
Some will say to ignore her and honestly it’s your choice, but this behavior is very common in kids when their are large age gaps between them and siblings
I’m thinking it’s just real bad growing pains. You r doing everything right mama…
Take her to a pediatric neurologist.
Make a chart…good behavior and helpful attitude…she gets a sticker. At the end of the week/2weeks/month
Whatever your choice on time they get to go to hotel for an afternoon with a friend and swim, or out to eat at favorite place, or something else she likes. Maybe she is just feeling replaced or her role in the family?
I would first start with not just asking her if she needs more time with you guys. She does. She just may not be saying what she needs because she literally just doesn’t know herself what she needs. if possible I would just tell her hey we’re having a mommy/daughter date on this day and a daddy/daughter date on this other day and make it a regular at least once a week thing with each of you so she gets some individual time with you both no matter what. other than that just continue to be consistent with what you’re doing and this too shall pass
It’s puberty starting hormones and emotions get crazy around this age