I am the only one cooking at family get togethers: Advice?

My mom passed away a little over a year ago from leukemia at the age of 56. Seeing that she was the oldest woman in our family, she was responsible for hosting all family gatherings for holidays. Well, since then, it’s been on me and me alone. I’m 34 and have two kids as well (12 & 4), and I am now the one cooking EVERYTHING at every single gathering. My dad’s side of the family is very small, and my mom’s side is actually pretty big, but NONE of them get along. I have cousins (around my age) who would love to help, but seeing that their parents treated my dad like crap while married to my mom, my dad wants no part of it. He basically told me that he and my brother don’t need the food on holidays and can just order out if that helps me. I get that my dad is looking to take the weight off my shoulders by not having me cook and that he doesn’t want to feel disrespected by my mom’s side of the family at the same time, but holidays are a big deal to me. I love to cook and spend time with my cousins while all our kids run around. I just don’t know what to do to make everyone feel included. I can’t go to four or five different houses every holiday just to make everyone happy. And I definitely don’t want my dad to feel left out since my mom is gone. What can I do to make this somehow manageable? I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everyone, and I’m to the point of losing my mind. I don’t know how my mom ever did any of this… any ideas or help you all could be life saving.

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Everyone brings a dish, one party period. People who don’t like one another need to act like grown civil adults or not come at all. Kick out any trouble makers

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Say it’s a potluck. My extended family likes my homemade potatoe salad so I’m asked if I want to bring it. My sister has young ones so she offers to do rice and nachos. My other sister is on dialysis so she offers to bring plates, cups, utensils, we all pitch in for meat for my brother to barbeque, my sister in law brings chips, makes homemade salsa, and fresh guacamole, men bring alcoholic beverages, other sister-in-law brings dessert etc etc. Sorry to hear about your mom passing. Mine passed away a couple of years too.

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Your cousins have nothing to do with what their parents did. I would invite them and they can help with cooking and whatnot. The kids can run around and pay attention to your Dad too?! I am sorry about your Mom and so young too.

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Two options: a bring and share or simply just focus on your family.
Sorry about your mom.

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My brother and I alternate xmas lunch at each other’s house and everyone is invited. Those that don’t want to be adult enough don’t come. 7 kids in our family and 17 grandkids, my siblings act more like children than the children in the family and I won’t have a bar of it. Suck it up or stay home.

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You won’t like me advice but I stopped doing the family dinners after I tried a few🤷‍♀️ No 1 participated, helped clean up a thing, ever offered to help with any cost, ect, so I tried many times then said no more. Last Thanksgiving, 2019, was the last 1 and then after what they all did and put me through, Xmas 2019 we started just my little family for holidays and the only ppl I may possibly invite are ppl I KNOW will be alone otherwise so we invite them instead. Sometimes no one comes and those happen to be my favorite holidays! And I go ALL OUT on food! But at least now I’m not doing that still and for 20-30 ppl yk. So my hubby, myself and my oldest start baking/prepping 3+ days before the holidays and it can be a lot of work Sometimes but we eat GREAT, we have leftovers for a week or more lol and my food is literally uncomparable to anywhere, family, friend or restaurant, so we all enjoy it so far, then we share clean up. I’ve been trying to tone it down a little more lol but some holidays we have cooked for 4 full days😅 so almost anything has been improvements over that lol. But at least I’m not busting my ass for family that is ungrateful af, shows not a care about said holidays or us any other day, fight and do drugs in my home in those holidays…like it’s just not worth it to me anymore and I do not give a shit how anyone else feels about it anymore either🤷‍♀️ My girls are growing accustomed to our holiday traditions and we all actually love them now😍

Just focus on building your nucleus family. Let all others know that they are welcome but don’t kill yourself to prove it You will see that you find renewed respect.Life is short.

Im so sorry for the loss of your mom. I also lost my mom to cancer a little over a year ago also 56. I also lost my grandma last year literally while me and my husband were preparing easter dinner for the family in the next room. I wish i had better advice but the only advice i have is whatever way u go dont stop having a get together that makes u feel joy. Ive not cooked a dinner since my grandma passed and i regret it and im at a loss on getting back to it because instead of fearing the feeling of cookkng the dinners without my mom i should have cooked them and remembered all the years we cooked together. Whatever u do make sure it brings u peace. Losing ur mom is a pain i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy again im very sorry for ur loss

Not sure where you live, but when the weather is nice enough you could reserve a shelter/picnic area at a park & do a pot luck picnic. Plenty of space for those who don’t get along to distance themselves from each other.

Or on some occasions meet at a restaurant where you order at a counter & everyone gets & pays for their own food, e.g., Chipotle, Panera, or Cava, and can sit at tables away from those they are feuding with. Or just tell everyone to come with their own meal (from home or purchased) and you only offer your space and maybe cookies and drinks, and peanut butter, jelly & bread for anyone who couldn’t be bothered to pay attention.

Invite everyone and let them know if they can’t act like adults they can stay home but then provide you an alternate date/time/place when you can get together with just them.

Send a list of assignments with the evite and ask people to sign up for one (cups, plates, flowers/centerpiece, sodas, booze or mixers, vegetable, fruit or carb side dishes, condiments/gravy, $5-10 towards the cost of meat/poultry/seafood, an hour of time in advance to help you set up or after to help you clean up, etc.)

Host people in two shifts: early for appetizers and drinks or later for dessert and drinks (and you can ask guests to bring the appropriate provisions). You’re freed from making a big dinner and people can chose one or both, depending on who they want to see or avoid.

Host a masquerade event where people come in disguise so no one knows right away who they are talking to.

You need to tell people how it’s gonna be from here on… you set the tone. And they follow along, or go ahead and do their own thing!

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It’s very common for families to fall apart after the matriarch of a family passes away. They were the “glue” that held them together.

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I’d have a good conversation with the people causing issues. If they can’t manage to be in a room together for a few hours so the whole family can enjoy a meal then they need to grow up.

As far as making it easier on you what we try to do is whoever is hosting will cook the main ingredient (turkey, ham etc) maybe a side dish if they feel like it. But everyone else brings a side/dessert. Just coordinate beforehand so everyone has a different side

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Break the holidays up. Do a brunch and a small dinner.

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You need to realize that you aren’t your mom. And you need to figure out your own traditions. Do one dinner with your dads side & one with your moms side.

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Is it possible to manage brunch with one side of the family and dinner with the other side? Then alternate every year for brunch and dinner?

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Don’t worry about yrcrelatives but concentrate on yr dad and siblings tell everyone to bring a covered dish and help with clean up enjoy yr dad now that u have him.

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I suggest a potluck version. Thats what my family does. You cook the main dish but then everyone that comes. Has to bring something . And you could always celebrate with your dad & immediate family seperate from everyone else.

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Potluck!!! You provide the meat everyone else provides EVERYTHING else. Our family has always done this. Everyone knows what they are to bring, we bring the same thing every year. Less stress for you and everyone is doing their part!!!

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It was their parents. Not them you need to tell your dad this. Have your party and let them each handle it the way they want.

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I am also the cooker in my house and with my in-laws and my fam living equally distant in opposite directions I cook at my house and whomever shows up shows up…we used to run around a do one family then the other and still try to make time for us but I realized my home I’ve built with these people matters more and if it’s stressing to go anywhere, we welcome them here and aren’t hurt or discouraged if they decline… although since I am the one one the middle I also host almost monthly birthday parties for the nieces nephews counsins in our forthcoming generations lol… tomorrow will be typical easter at my house with neighborhood cookout and egg hunt and though I’ve invited our families they may not come…don’t let your life become an obligation to anyone…

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Since t
You lost your mom I know the feeling​:cry: my condolences. It kind of to me sounds like your dad is. Very hurt if you explain to your dad how much the holidays mean to you although your mom is no longer with you. You would like to keep some kind of tradition to the holiday Ask him who he would prefer to come. If he says nobody. Have a holiday with your dad and kids. Tomorrow is never promised to any of us and you don’t know how long you will have your dad Maybe as time passes he will change his mind. It must be devastating for him without your mom. Again my heartfelt condolences​:yellow_heart::blush::pray:t3:

Maybe do a lunch with extended family and dinner with your dad and brother

Just make the main meal… grilled chicken for example and ask everyone to bring something… sides, salads, soups, drinks, or desserts. That’s what we do at our family gatherings. And when it’s time to go, everyone makes to-go plates so our hosts don’t end up with all of the food… because it can be a lot of food.

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I would do something more intimate and special with my dad and kiddos. And if your cousins really want to spend time together with you and yours, they’d make an effort.

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Potluck dinner at your own home and everyone welcome. Your dad will be OK if he doesn’t want to attend spend the day with him and then have dinner with the rest.

Both my hubby and I have big families, we decided when our relationship got serious that we would do 1 year with my side, the next with his side, and the 3rd just us. His family is also 4 hrs away where mine is only 15 minutes away

you should be happy that you Can do this

I’d talk to them over Easter dinner and tell them you love the tradition but can not do it all yourself. Ask for their suggestions and guide them towards potluck. Maybe you can continue to prepare the meat and put others in charge of the sides.

Open door policy at your house. Have some appitizers out and allow people to come to you during set hours. They can come when it works for them.

Why don’t you ask every house hold to bring one item obviously try to get and idea of what they are bringing so their isn’t double second maybe talk with the people who as family issue with certain people an see if they can meet on comin ground it’s not healthy to hate and your family should put their differences aside for the holidays maybe have each other them to agree to disagree and that’s ok but to be civil and just attend for the good of the family as a whole them attending doesn’t mean they have to shake hands and make up at all but it does show they are bigger then a disagreement and mature enough to see what’s most important

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Worry About your immediate family a.k.a. father children spouse and let everyone else worry about themselves doesn’t have to be big to be a holiday as long as you guys are together and happy

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I would definitely do a Potluck with the cousins the day before events…and take out or cook with your dad and whomever he feels confortable with on the day of. Cooking for everyone us exhausting. I am the hostess for my family and I have had times when I just don’t want to do it anymore. The prep takes 2 days…then the day of run around like a crazy person…then the clean up after everyine has been here for HOURS…all while TRYING to “enjoy” the holiday with my own kids (which doesn’t really happen :cry:). I will not lie…the pandemic gave me a pretty nice break from it all. As I sit here and prep for Easter…not sure I can go back to how it was. I liked slowing down.

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The woman’s place is in the kitchen

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Tell your dad it’s not up to him, and ask your cousins to help. How your dad was treated by their parents is not their fault. He is free to come or not come but he’s an able bodied adult. If he doesn’t like it he is free to cook himself.

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Don’t cook. Tell everyone to bring something. Or just stop hosting the event. Let them do their thing and you do ypurs

Make it “bring a dish” get together…

Child, I have cooked for both sides of the family for years. I was the only daughter out of 12 so it was expected of me on my side. My husband side his mother was the cook until she passed in 2010. His sister can’t boil water without burning this house down and his brother is happily divorced. I take pride in being the one who can cook. I mean this day in age that is something to brag about.

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I think your causing unnecessary stress on yourself trying to be your mother. Make your own tradition.

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I wouldn’t cook not one recipe

Offer to host and make the main dish (some kind of meat), then have people sign-up to bring sides, drinks, rolls, etc… do it in a group text or create a family group so that everyone can see what others are bringing so there are no duplicates. That’s what we do.

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Todd Marshall someone should tie your bow tie a little tighter around your neck for you to think a woman’s place belongs in the kitchen you have to be in your 90s not today my friend thinking like that your ass would be in the dog house these days it takes two good luck

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I mean… you don’t HAVE to do this.

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Dont be meek or mild just say this is how i feel…this is what i do…i have my own d
Family as well…everyone pick a dish they bringing

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I’d offer a pot luck of some sort. Be more than happy to host, but everyone had to contribute. Oh yeah, and check your attitude at the door. You’re not having them around to give your dad any shit.

Or, you gotta start prepping days in advance and just reheat or cook on the holiday.

If I lose one or both of my parents, I dont think I’ll ever host a holiday again. I have them all now and I’m already done with it. To not have them there will just make it worse. I’ll be on vacation somewhere.

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I feel like the issue is more “how do you handle holiday dinners BESIDES hosting/cooking everything yourself?” And for that I would remind you that the holidays are to be enjoyed and your priority should be teaching your kids to enjoy them, not stress over them! What about spending different holidays with different parts of the family? I know it’s great to have the big family dinners but really, it might be more stress than it’s worth!! The last couple years my family had started scaling back our holiday plans and at first I was really bummed, I thought it just wouldn’t be the same without all the people and chaos. I was right about one thing, it wasn’t the same… it was BETTER!!! Having more time to spend with fewer people means we can really take the time to enjoy each other’s company. We are more “in the moment” because we aren’t so busy worrying about missing what’s next. Sure, I miss the people I don’t see, but we call and send pics. Maybe it’s not for you but I am really loving the simplicity and my kids are too!!!

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Potluck style and recruit the cleaning crew.

You can do main and something else- but everyone else should bring something to the table too. It’s how my big family handles holidays. Designate if you have to. Also, be sure you get some cleaning help during as well so you’re not left with weeks worth of clean up. You want to be able to enjoy these times too. :heart:

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I say just invite everyone and if they care about you and your family then they will show up despite their feelings towards others. Also make gatherings a potluck type deal. Me and my family alternate what houses we have holidays at every year and we all group chat ahead of time to figure out who is bringing what!

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Do a group text, have a potluck, ask everyone to bring a side dish & paper plates/napkins/ plastic forks/spoons/knifes ( that way you don’t have to worry about doing dishes) and you bring the main dish a ham, turkey, stuffed cabbage etc? Tell everyone to please respect everyone or you can’t do it anymore.

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ok. i am in the exact same situation as you, minus the death part (i am very sorry hun), my mom in law has dementia. so the holidays and such fall on me. i understand the stress. and the ones that don’t get along need a talk! please keep having the family gatherings!!! there will be a day in the future you will wish you did.

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Yeah we started doing potluck after my mom passed if it’s at your house I would suggest doing the meats and everything else have someone else bring

Pot luck. Everyone brings a side dish, you can provide the main dish. Include a recipe in an email and pass it along as a family recipe. Dad gets dinner and a special seat and anyone who is overheard being disrespectful is asked to leave and not invited to the next gathering.

I am South African - and we never leave everything to one person. If the meal is at my house - I will draw up a list and say this is what we need and then everybody makes something and bring it with - from the main meats, vegetables and pudding.

We all pitch in and we all eat together and clean up together.

If it is up to you - then you need to set the parameters that you want them to move in - otherwise people will never help.

Make new rules!

Have cousins come night before and cook with you or they prep you cook but have time with the cousins that want to enjoy and spend time
Do not allow what other ppl do to be spiteful stop your dad from enjoying the gathering period! I have a similar situation so I knowwwwwwww
I got tired of all the money in the middle and sent a text that said don’t respond just read and follow instructions… It went like this
I’m having a gathering for such and such… All are invited however there will be no disrespectful actions toward anyone period if there is you will be asked to leave… If you don’t want to come because of such and such then stay home it will not be tolerated
Now your dad… This says alot… He is willing to give up having gatherings for the sake of you having family over… Love on him bc that’s unconditional love girl!!!
But don’t let him make that sacrifice everrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

My husband’s family is divorced. So. I usually have to have two separate patty’s. So I don’t leave anyone out.

I would either invite everyone and if they come they come and if they decide not to then thats on them. Or invite no one and just do holidays with your own family that live in your house and let everyone else worry about themselves.

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Everyone should bring a passing dish & paper plates. If they don’t like that idea, then enjoy your OWN little family. Shouldn’t all be put on you.

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I wouldn’t want people around that treated my dad like crap. Family or not. You’re dad has also already offered a solution. So either stick to small gathering that doesn’t have everyone there. Or have bigger gatherings without you dad and brother. To me that’s a no brainer though.

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U have a get together invite everyone throw in a “save the drama for ur mama” comment and tell everyone it’s potluck style. Then just see how it goes…

How about you celebrate the actual holiday with your dad. He won’t be around forever. Then you help start a new tradition with your cousins on your mom’s side. Pick a day. Doesn’t need to be the holiday. Everyone brings a dish to pass. Ask that all dishes come in disposable dishes so you don’t have to worry about washing & who’s dishes are who’s. Or they wash their own. Or ask that each family pitch in for a caterer. If it’s near easter ask each cousin to bring a dozen filled plastic eggs per child. For a winter get together exchange names for gifts. You don’t have to do what your mom did. It’s not disrespectful to her.

My oldest cousin was in this predictamant. Her mom was the oldest & always hosted Christmas, thanksgiving & easter. When she passed my cousin felt pressured to do what her mom always did. She was real with everyone & told us she’s not her mom. She did Christmas Eve (she always did anyway). We all brought things.

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Make a list & let everyone pick something on the list & then if they want to add to it they can

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Have everyone bring a side dish if they’re going to come. It’s what my whole family does and always has.

Why don’t you all get together some place outside of home…? Like a beach resort or something…? Wher u won’t hv to cook and everyone can still hang out together and the kids can play😊

One family gathering per year is enough.

Quit doing big family get together’s, keep it simple with your family unit, if that’s not possible call everyone and tell them what dish they need to bring

All of you saying to invite everyone, you’re not reading the part where her dad does not want that and will not likely be there if she does. No way in hell would I choose shitty family members over my own dad.

You were offered a solution but don’t like that solution so you’ll have to keep cooking.

Time to begun a new tradition. Pot luck style might be your answer.

Don’t do it. It is sad when the person who made these size gatherings happen passes away but at your time in life you can’t do it.

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Tell them it’s going to be a potluck from now on …like it …or don’t come .

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When I made the call to invite people, I would tell them what to bring.
IE: a main dish, a side dish, or a dessert. Hostess to provide drinks, dishes, cutlery etc.

Wording - "I was thinking of changing things up a bit this year and trying to spend some time out of the kitchen myself. Really hoping that everyone can agree to allow me to enjoy this time as well. So this holiday i will be hosting a potluck dinner! If you can get back to me with what kind of main dish/ side dish/ dessert you can bring that would be great, so I co- ordinate with everyone to make sure we have our meal covered! "

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you are not responsible for maintaining the peace in the family. It will drive you crazy, make you resentful, and make you where you dread family gatherings because of all the work. Send out a message to everyone asking them if they are coming and what they would like to bring. My family made a fb page for ours so all the family could see the conversations. Then you relax and enjoy your day. If things are not brought you make due with the food you have. People will realize they should help I hope. Otherwise, what is the point of the gatherings? I’m sorry for your loss. It makes it hard when the matriarch passes. People tend to go their own ways. Communicate if you do not want this to happen.

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If it’s that important to you to see both sides of the family, maybe you can do a brunch with your dad’s side of family and then go to your mom’s side of family for dinner. That way you get to see both families. I don’t blame your dad for not wanting to be around people who never treated him nicely

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My deepest condolences to you and your family. This is a hard time and transition now that your mom is gone. Start new traditions. Have a pot luck a day or a week before the holiday. A Cousin Day. :gift_heart: Then on the holiday have a more relaxed day with your dad. This can be such a special time with your dad. I sure he misses your mom terribly. Let him know how much he means to you. Best wishes.:heart:

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Since your dad doesn’t want the drama, do a dinner for your moms side the day before and dinner with your dad the day of. Let everyone know what they’re bringing food wise. Don’t take no for an answer! Just txt them “hey I’m dividing responsibilities you’re in charge of xyz this year!”

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I would do potluck style. Invite everyone. Whoever doesn’t come it’s on them, including dad. What did he do when mom was alive?

Years ago we made a spread sheet where family members signed up for what item they would bring we also included set up and clean up on
the list we call it we are all family not royalty.

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I would call on them and give them the option of 2 or 3 things they can bring and to let you know. Then you would have a variety of dishes. You don’t want 6 green bean casseroles. I

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We always say what can we bring to help. And the hostess tells us what they need us to bring

This is what I do… I love to cook! I love to see people at my house for the holidays, my kids love it… that being said, I tell everyone a day and time… I also tell them that my house is a drama free zone and if they bring it, they’ll be asked to leave :grin: they’re are a few that don’t come, and then there is a few that will come when the bulk of people have left… I’m expecting 20 people today alone lol and yes I do all the cooking! I find it easier to cook for a small army :joy:

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It’s called being The Matriarch embrace it

Get every one who would be at the celebrations to each bring I item of food big enough to go around that would take some load off u and wouldnt be to expensive for every one fair enough

Start a new tradition… In my family. We all bring a dish
Ww call each othe and ask what they want to bring so no one brings the same… For example we done are family dinner for easter i made eggs and veggies… My sis made potatoes… My son made a lamb… My nephew cooked the ham…brother got the drinks…

Well I’d day sorry can’t get along with my dad don’t come.

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Sorry for your loss. It’s unfortunate that both sides of your family don’t get along. Have one gathering at one place. You can rotate holidays with each side of the family. Either have it catered or do it potluck style where everyone brings a dish.

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You’re stressing yourself out. You have an idea in your mind of what holidays are, but then it’s overwhelming you at the same time. It’s not your job to make sure people behave. It’s your job to stand up for the people you love (your dad) .
If you can’t manage to cook for everyone, then don’t. Your mom chose to do it. You do not have to do it in her place. If your dad would feel more comfortable having a holiday without the extended family, maybe that’s what you should consider. And by not taking on that task, you may actually push someone else to take it on.
Maybe it’s time to pick a few holidays to simply spend with your dad and brother.

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My dad would come first

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My Mom lets us know the main dish she’s planning and asks what sides sound good with it. Then asks if we can bring one that we discussed. She does this with each person she’s invited. It’s no pressure and we also know roughly how many to cook for before anything has been decided.
If there any big changes she lets us know in advance. We also know that no drama is allowed in the house out of respect for the holiday and that it’s in bad taste nor the time or place.

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You have to ask your dad for permission? Your cousins should not be held accountable for what their parents did tell that to your father. Also tell him it’s for the kids and they’ll have more fun with other children there. Also you can make the main dish and one of your favorite dessert then ask each to bring something they can decide if homemade or store brought that way you have your cooking baking time but not everything is on you

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Potlucks! Everyone brings a dish to pass. You only cook the main dish if it is held at your house

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Delegate it. Give everyone something they are responsible for bringing.

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if it is just a few–then perhaps suggest you go out to eat–there are several places open on the holidays. i know next year–i am going to suggest just that. even if i have to pay for everyone’s meal. certainly won’t be much more than what i have spent thus far plus don’t have all the hub bub and cleaning before and afterwards. just a thought.

Everyone brings something in our family. Usually the host makes the meat/main dish. Everyone else brings sides, etc. It got to be to much for my parents to take on doing it. We rotate holidays between my parents, sisters and I. This last year, we’ve even done just dessert or just drinks in the backyard with everyone at different tables. Or, a BYO food/drinks. The point is to be together enjoying each other’s company. We just adjusted with the situation/times.

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Drop the cousins, be with your dad.

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Invite everybody, if they come they come if they don’t they don’t. You will never please everybody…people need to suck it up, grow up and get along for the kids sake

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Say we am having a pot luck for the Holiday an tell here and when time if you all want to come

A lot of people already said what I would say…pot luck…

Whoever attends should bring a potluck dish! You monitor to ensure nobody else brings the same dish.

You continue the tradition & you tell them ALL in the invite
“Act like respectful people to everyone in my home, or at my dinner, for one day, or kindly do not come”. Period.
And though everyone is invited, that request goes out to everyone invited.

Then tend to hosting & not babysitting grown adults. The first sign of disrespect, the troublemaker goes!

My house, Everyone is invited, you got issues And can’t be around others Without drama don’t come. It’s their loss if they don’t come.
I also have some people bring certin dishes to help lighten my cooking load.

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