I am unsure if I should move in with my partner: advice?

I’m a single mum of Teens, I have been divorced from a DV marriage for 11 years. I have had a couple of shorter relationships since then which didn’t work out and weren’t all that healthy, and more recently I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years with a lovely man, he is kind and I enjoy his company. But when it comes to the topic of living together I can feel myself panicking, looking for and making excuses. Over the years I have become very independent. I financially support myself and I now like my own space, I am quite happy seeing my partner just 2 or 3 times a week because dealing with teens is hard! I can see how it makes financial sense, but that’s not everything, peace is everything. I can see how he would feel hurt and like I’m pushing him away but I’m exhausted and still a bit guarded.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I am unsure if I should move in with my partner: advice?

You aren’t ready. Be honest. He needs to respect that.

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You should address your issues from previous relationships with your therapist

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Don’t rush into something you’re not ready for. If he really cares about you he will understand. :heart:

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You obviously aren’t ready. If you were you would know and not be second guessing it. Have you explained to him why you’re not ready?

If you enjoy your life now, don’t change it

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If that’s your gut reaction I said stay where you are.

You are pushing him away not all men are like your exes unless you move forward he is still controlling you

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If after 11 years you aren’t ready you probably never will be.

Be honest with him and let him go so he can find someone who shares his wants to be with someone that has time for him.

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I would just explain to him that you aren’t quite comfortable with that just yet and that even though you know he isn’t your ex, you still have things to work through before you take that step.

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Do what feels right to you! You valuing your space and independence is valid.

Tell him how you just told us, and if he doesn’t respect it, then he’s not the one

It’s ok to be committed and not live together. I can never see myself living with a partner. I love my independence and solitude. If you don’t want that part of a relationship that’s ok. It can still be a successful relationship w out cohabitating

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You’re still healing hunny, dont do it.
Stay where you are and if he really is the one for you and this is meant to be, then he will understand and he will respect that You’re not ready to take that step. If he chooses not to accept it and goes his on way then it wasn’t meant to be permanent.

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I would say that you just aren’t ready to live with another person. You also never have to live with another partner if you don’t want to. I know it works for some and doesn’t work for others.
If he cares he will understand, you peace is worth more than money and any relationship.

Don’t put yourself or Him and your children in a position you are not comfortable in. Just explain your situation be honest if he really loves you he will understand.

My male best friend of 10 years always begs me to move in with me also because it makes sense financially and I do struggle with money even tho I always find a away and get by. I always completely refuse! I am too independent and stubborn to even consider living with anyone. I like living alone. And I need the peace. I feel you 100% ! Your not alone!

Don’t ever sacrifice your peace to make someone else happy.

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Explain it to him exactly as you did here, may I suggest for a while have him stay at your place a free days and slowly increase that time. Discuss money issues ahead of time

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You’re not ready. He should respect that. Period.

Explain it to him exactly how you explained it to us. Tell him you love him and you don’t want to hurt him. Tell him that you may need more time, but you are not sure how much time or if you’ll ever be ready.
I wish you the best of luck :heart:

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Just tell him you like your comfort and the way the living situation is now, explain how moving might out your teens in distress snd you to see if he is willing to wait till the kids move out.

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You just answered your own question.

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Do not move in until you know without question you are ready. I made the mistake of doing just that. I too was and am fiercely independent and not that I wasn’t ready to make compromises, I just missed doing what I want when I wanted and finally moved out hurting him terribly. Also I made the decision which is one I will stick by no matter what, that I would never move into someone else’s home with anyone again. If there is to be any living with someone it will be in a home that is new to both of us.

Less moving in and more marriages.

I’d say after two and a half years of dating. It should be safe to make that choice. By now you should have seen any red flags. He seems very dedicated and waiting that long seems to signify that. Maybe him being around will help when it comes to raising your teens. Sometimes an outside voice helps. You deserve companionship. I understand being guarded but sometimes change is good. And you’ll never know how good. Maybe just keep your place too for awhile. Try it out and if you don’t like it you can move back into your place. Or if he moves in with you you can always tell him it’s not working out and he has to go. That’s how strong and independent you are.

There’s actually a woman that bought a duplex so she can live in one side and her partner can live on the other :sweat_smile:

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It’s ok to not want to want more than what you have right now. I can absolutely relate to not wanting to let anyone back in beyond that level, especially if your kids are still at home. I highly doubt I will ever share money or a home with anyone while I’m still raising my kids.

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My soon to be SIL dated my brother exclusively for 12 years living separately while she finished raising 4 girls from a previous relationship & he had 3 teen girls from a previous relationship also - when the youngest moved out - 6 months later they became engaged and 3 months after that have moved in together- It worked best that way for them all - there’s no reason to rush if you’re not ready yet. No love lost. If he can’t accept that then it will be on him to decide that, not you.

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Say all of this and if he doesn’t understand or keep pressing you Well he might not be the guy for you !!

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Keep your own space.

Keep your independent s

YOU dont need any challenges with teens.
You have your life together
LEAVE IT THAT WAY.

Obviously your man has not proven himself to be more than a “condiment” in your life.

Tell him how you feel. If he loves you 100% then he’ll understand . If you’re panicking inwardly then you’re not ready to take that step . The teens are an excuse . You need to be honest with yourself and him .

If you have to talk yourself out of it , Don’t do it! I’ve been divorced since 1975! Never married again! I didn’t want anyone telling me how to live my life! I’m truly happy! Good luck!

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I think you need to talk to your partner and explain your concerns and express your feelings about it. Communication is a very important thing in a relationship.

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Just tell him if he loves you he will understand just tell him to give you some time everything will work out God bless

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If you aren’t ready be open and honest with him. I think individual and maybe even couples therapy could help here.

If you’re not sure, don’t do it.

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Tell him exactly what you told us here. If he’s a good guy, he’ll respect your feelings. Maybe down the road when the teens are older, you two can revisit the living together thing. :heart:

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If you’re not totally :100: for moving in together, I’d personally wait!

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I don’t see anything wrong with waiting until your teens are adults or closer to being adults. Your focus should be on raising your kids and you and they have already been through a lot of changes in the family. If he is serious about you it shouldn’t come in the way of being together.

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It’s rough. I prefer to keep my kids home without anyone else around them. I like my space too and privacy. It’s mine. I don’t have to worry that someone will take it away again. I had a DV situation too. I moved to a house after ours sold and he came back and wrecked everything I did by myself. Broke every glass dish lamp threw tables. Blood and glass everywhere but the cops just sent him home bc the house was still in both names. Even though he never lived in it once bc it used to be a rental. It was unbelievable but neither the kids or I were hurt. But the emotional toll on me was the worst. Zero consequences I think was the mental toll on me. I moved away as I had full custody even then. I have a new house that id only mine now. Full gated security system. Lots of locks

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Don’t do it. Don’t loose everything you have worked hard to build

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Sounds like you’re not ready, and if you’re not ready then be honest and let the chips fall where they may. It’s your life, live it on your terms.

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Why do people not get married any more?

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Depending on how far apart you live and schools and what not, maybe you could “move in” but keep your apartment for when you need your own space, or just need some time away, see how it goes. I have relationship anxiety and this is what my therapist suggested so I could still feel both safe, independent, and to lower my anxiety within the situation. Talk to him about it if that seems like an option and see what happens. If you’re not interested or that option is possible just let him know that you care and want to be with him but you simply aren’t ready for that right now. If you see it happening in the future, let him know, “I can definitely see us living together in the future, but I’m just not ready yet”. Or something along those lines

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I feel this I was the same way it took almost 5 years for me been divorced for 9 years married 12 years together 14 years. Talk to him tell him your just not ready yet and you need more time. If he loves u he’ll understand. If he doesn’t Maybe he’s not for you but do know at times o still wish I had my own space not sure of that ever changes.

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talk to him about this & maybe wait until your kids are done with HS & hopefully out of the house, then move in together, if you guys are still together, In the meantime, have fun & enjoy your time/life with him

Don’t live with him. It has to be an enthusiastic agreement to live together. He’s pushing. That’s a sign. Stay in your own place.

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How many times has he asked you to marry him ? You know, make a commitment, or is this really just friends with benefits ???

I would stay put and him move in instead,but i wouldn’t risk losing my home over a guy. Easier too. He goes if relationship doesnt work out. He can rent his home out while living with yall. Make extra income from it and still have a place to go back to if it doesn’t work out.

Dont do it unless youre 100%.

And ill tell ya something…
Best to keep it YOUR place that HE moves into if u have kids. Idc what their ages are.
What if sht hits the fan at some point and then youre left without a home?
Its happened to me!
As a mom…ALWAYS ALWAYS make it YOUR place.
Then if they need to leave its nothing on you.

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Honesty is best policy. Seems like you two want different things in the relationship and it’s not fair to him either. You’re not ready and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just be honest and be ready for whatever decision he may have.

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You do for you, If he truly loves you he will understand.

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Just be honest with him. If he can’t deal with the separation of spaces, and if marriage isn’t in the picture, you’re better off the way you are.

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Be honest and upfront. Nothing wrong with feeling this way at all. It took years of work for you to get to this “I’m okay, I’m safe” after surviving a DV relationship. If he cares about you as much as you care about him, he’ll understand.

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If you are happy living that way than keep it that way. He can make his own choice on whether he wants like that. Do what makes you happy, not him. You spent 11 years trying to keep a man happy and it ended badly. Also you have come such a long way and should be very proud of yourself for overcoming what you have been through.

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Go with your gut and take your time :heart:

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The two of you should have a very honest discussion about what you both want - your needs, goals, expectations - and take a very honest look at whether what you each want is compatible with what the other wants. Think about whether either of you is willing to compromise on anything, and which things are deal breakers.

Maybe you both will determine that what you have is suitable. Maybe you will decide to move your relationship to a new level. Maybe you will determine that it’s time to part ways. Sometimes two really good people just aren’t compatible.

Spend some time alone thinking about this before you bring up the discussion, and likewise, give him some time to think about it. Talk about it then go from there. Good luck :heart:

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No, you keep your place and he keep his, and yall visit each other unless he ask you to marry him. Don’t shack. Plus you have teenagers in the house you are dealing with, if he wants you and love you enough to be as one he will ask you.

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Then there is the issue of committing adultery. God’s word.

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Therapy. Take it slowly. How do your kids feel about it?

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I mean don’t do it if you don’t want to but if your not ready because your too independent then make sure that’s what he wants. Your peace is important yes but so are his wants. Maybe his peace is you. Anyways id talk to him and if you guys aren’t on the same page maybe find other people who are :woman_shrugging:t3: I also think therapy for you would be really beneficial. Not in a rude way either I genuinely think it’s needed to help move past dv. At least for me it was!
For those saying wait till the kids are adults they shouldn’t have to. Yes kids are a huge part of our lives but believe it or not they do branch off and get their own life. He shouldn’t have to wait for that moment. Yes sure if he really wants to he will but if he doesn’t want to wait that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about her. It means like her he is putting his happiness above.

Seems you both need something different out of the relationship, which is totally fine! Though it’s going to make for a tough conversation.

I don’t even have to read the whole story to say no…when you are unsure don’t make a move…I’m 45 years old and wish I had taken this advice…I messed up alot of shit being impatient… :v:

You need to have this conversation with your partner. Explain all of this to your partner including how you are feeling. I would suggest that it’s time after 2.5 yrs of dating them to take that next step. I also suggest in doing so with baby steps. Maybe take 3 days to stay in your partners home an your partner 3 in yours and one day to take for yourselves. This way you both can get a feel of what it’s like being in each other’s spaces together on an extended time frame and routine. Once you’ve done that for awhile I think you will be able to make the decision to fully live together with out issue. Sometimes you need to test it out to get past the panic stage that way your mind can be at more ease about it all. An it also helps you blend together more peacefully. You say you like your peace but if you’re truly happy an love your partner ( which I’m assuming so since you’ve been together for as long as you have) then your peace is with your partner just as much as it is without your partner.

If you hesitate even just a little don’t do it yet.

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You’ve already answered your own question. You like your own space and peace. You’ve not mentioned marrying this man, so keep your peace and space and if he doesn’t like it, move on.

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Talk to him. Maybe once in a while have a sleep over. Go slow

I am or were in same position…my ex left me 19 years ago
…truth be told…happy alone…why even open an avenue…yop lonely? Sometimes incredibly so…enough to allow previous disruptions? Nope not ever…
I have my own sanity…take my own responsibility for my actions…all good

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You need to be honest with him. It sounds like he would like to move forward in the relationship after 2.5 years. If his long term goal is to have a partner that shares his home and life with, then you might not be the one. Tell him how you feel. Then he can make the decision whether to stay in the relationship on your terms or to move on. Talk with him.

Don’t ruin your happiness

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Jennifer, I have witnessed your wisdom for several years now… go with your instincts… I doubt they will not be spot on. And best of luck in your quest… :heart::heart:

If you can be alone with your kids and get by I would not move in with anyone. Wait until kids are adults or almost ready to graduate.

Follow your gut darlin’
Keep your peace!

Tell him that. If he doesn’t understand it, then it won’t work out. You’ve been through a lot, you’ve learned to be independent and you don’t want to erase all that. You want your stability for your kids.

I get paid over $ 130 per hour w0rking from home. I never thought l’d be able to do it but my colleague makes over $ 17009 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is limitless.
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You’re not ready and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him and won’t want to live together one day, it just means not right now. I’m not sure if you are in counselling or not but it may be something worth looking into to help you deal with your past experiences. Though I can understand your partner’s feelings being hurt, he also needs to understand where you are coming from. Sending love :heart:

If he’s willing to stay the course with you wait till your children are raised and see how you feel then.

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You seem like you’re not wanting a commitment nothing wrong with that but I would keep it like it is

Personally wouldnt give up my space and peace by allowing another man into my life…but im happy with my own company and probably a lot older than you lol.
Talk to him and your teens. If you’re all happy as things stand why change it. If he cant accept things as they are then he’ll move on

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Rule of life: If you have to ask for advice you already know the answer.

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I would continue with the relationship just the way it is. Moving in together is not a requirement for a successful relationship.

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Young one, if your not ready - your not ready. The foundation of a good, healthy relationship is built upon four cornerstones- trust, accountability, responsibility and loyalty. This is only made stronger through open communication between you two. You need to talk to him, explain what you feel, why you feel this way. Listen to what he says and his feelings- if it is meant to be - it will be. Anything worth something always takes time and patience.:sunflower::v:t4:

Be honest with him. Tell him how you feel. Your peace is EVERYTHING. Having kids of any age is challenging. If it’s working how it is don’t change it. If he’s going to stay then he’ll support and understand you. Trust yourself. :heart:

It seems like your intuition is telling you something. Someone can be a lovely person when you’re only dealing with them a few days a week but you never know what someone is like behind closed doors. As a mom of a teenager, I totally get it. How do they feel about this? I would talk to them first and get a read on how they feel about the situation. Kids, even older ones, are usually pretty good with picking up on vibes people have. If they do not like him, there is a reason. But at the end of the day, your peace is what matters. It sounds like you’re doing good on you own and enjoying his occasional company. If he can’t understand and respect that, maybe it’s time to move on.

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Listen I have been with my sweetheart for 7 years. I did not move in with him until a month ago. I finished raising my kids first. Very happy that I did it the way I did.

I feel you have answeredyour own concerns It sounds great the way it is. If you know one anotherwelland communicate sounds peacrful, get some rest enjoy, Seea doctor for the exhausten youmay need some Bvitamins, Happy youglad your healing nicely keep up the great life.

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I feel ya. My last relationship before current bf turned abusive. It only happened once & he found out I wasn’t the one. But I was single 2.5 years before me & bf got together. We’ve been together 2 years & 3 months. We broke up (despite about things w/in the home) for 3 weeks & he moved out. We’re back together, but both agree that living separately is best for us now. I’ve been a single mom for most of my kids lives, so I’m very independent too. We now only see each other on the weekends & maybe 1-2x during the week if we’re lucky. If you’re not ready, tell him you’re not. If he’s a good man & it’s meant to be…he will wait until you’re ready/accept the living arrangements. Just make sure it’s not that lil manipulative voice in your head, but go with your gut (that lil voice tries to mess with me too) Best of luck hun!

Dont give up your peace!!!

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You don’t have to move in with him.

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Explain you’re feelings to him. He can’t understand if you don’t.

My advice… is from experience. Never give up what is yours. If you own your home. Do not sell it. Keep it Incase you need it later. Never give up something for a man. Moving in with him… a couple months down the road he could get mad and tell you to leave, then what do you do… if you’re renting. Always put money aside in a bank account or safety deposit box Incase you need to rent something at a later date. Never be without a way out… Or a place to go.

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I think you answered your own question lol.

What’s the point of even having a relationship if you aren’t going to move on. If you’ve been together 2.5 years and you tell him you don’t want to move forward with him (moving in, marriage, etc) then don’t be surprised if he leaves. If you’re guarded or have issues bc of the past then seek therapy don’t push away something good or you might not get it again. Never bring past issues into another relationship. Seek therapy, work on you and your issues, tell him you need some more time (6months-1year) that should be time to get help, work on you and why you don’t want to move forward etc

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You have the ideal situation already.

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No momma you do whatever is good for you and your peace. I would leave as is, it’s not closing the door you can revisit somewhere down the road.

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I’d wait till the kids move out then consider it again, no reason to make yourself uncomfortable!