I don’t know what the best thing to do is

My husband and I have a lot of children. A lot. We each have children from prior relationships and one together with another one on the way. I’m worried about my stepson. My stepson is about to turn 3 and doesn’t talk, at all. I’ve tried to bring it to my husbands attention but it doesn’t really get noticed. My bonus son doesn’t do well with others, violent, aggressive, (he’s been kicked out of daycare for biting and not being able to get along with other children) you’ll say his name he doesn’t respond. I’ve watched him play and he plays by himself, he doesn’t like to engage with our other children. He screams pretty much all day. He covers his ears a lot, walks around screaming and flapping his hands. To me these are all obvious signs of autism. Which there is absolutely nothing wrong with him having autism. However, he’s not getting the support and help that he needs. I’ve brought it up to my husband several times about talking to his ex-wife (she’s EXTREMELY toxic), from my other bonus child I hear things that are concerning like the kids being left home alone. At this point it’s all of the children we have it is so stressful when they come over and typically because of the child that I believe has autism. I’m worried that one, he’s not getting the support he needs and how ever frustrating that is not to be able to communicate with others. I’m worried two, that the other children are in a stressful environment because of this and to me that doesn’t seem fair. I’m honestly at my wits end, it seems wrong to me, but also at the same time I have to think about the other children we have. I want to tell my husband that unless he talks to his ex wife and gets him an evaluation and follows through with us all getting the support that he desperately needs that he can’t come over anymore. It sounds horrible and I feel horrible saying it, but I’m more worried about him not being diagnosed until it’s far too late, and the stress that it is putting in our other children.

Wow, what a difficult position to be in. Firstly, I’m sorry for the added stress for you and your family. Secondly, I wholeheartedly agree that this child needs professional evaluation of his place on the spectrum. Your husband is aware and for whatever reason doesn’t want to deal with it, or can’t. What is your relationship with his parents/siblings/extended family? Can they lend their support for an evaluation? A diagnosis not only helps him, it helps the entire family because then it’s now got a name which makes it less stressful. This poor boy is likely extremely stressed and frustrated because he can’t verbally communicate and he isn’t understood non-verbally. Hubby likely will need some counseling to cope with this if/when he can open his eyes and mind to what’s in front of him. I wish you well and to your family too.