I don't want to share custody due to my boyfriends controlling ways: Advice?

I’m only with my bd because I don’t want to share custody; how do I get over this? When it comes down to his beliefs and controlling ways, I don’t want my daughter to feel like how he made me feel. I could handle it, but I don’t want my daughter to have to; it broke me, and then he blamed me for him breaking me…


Okay, can you elaborate??

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What state do you live in and are you married? If not the mother has 100% rights until the court says otherwise.


Get a plan together and leave. File for custody. You can’t just “get over it”, you just have to do it. It will take strength and courage, so that’s really all you need. And a plan. If he fights for his rights to see his daughter, you just have to deal with it. You need to be the safe place that your daughter goes to. You need to be the one to teach her that her dads way isn’t always the right way. When she grows up she will understand more. Just try to be civil with him and make any contact only about the child. Make sure to keep documentation about when you talk and what you talk about. Try to keep it through texts or take recordings of conversations just in case you need it for court. But fight for your daughter. Don’t let her see that it’s ok to stay in a relationship just for one thing or just because you don’t want to jump through the hoops to leave. (I’m sorry if this sounds rude, I’m not trying to be.) Just do what you feel is right and what’s best for your daughter.


I did the same thing for 4 years then my brother passed away at 34 and a light finally went off in my brain that life was entirely to short to be miserable. It hasn’t been easy but has been totally worth it.


And you are being…controlling


Sounds like this is your issue between you and your boyfriend. Leave the child out of it. A child deserves both parents.


Unfortunately this is toxic and also controlling on your behalf. All you can do is set a plan, move on, go to court for custody. You can’t control him by staying with him as he can’t control you by staying with you. That’s very toxic. I was in your shoes once. I finally left when my dad pointed out how controlling and toxic that thought process was on my part. We get along great and coparent great now that we have both moved on with our lives. You can’t control what other people do just as he can’t.

I would wonder what you view as controlling because some people see wanting to be involved as controlling


He is still your child’s father and he has rights. How he treated you has nothing to do with your child.


Why make the child pay because he done something to you
Yours and his relationship has nothing to do with him being a father
At the end of the day the child didn’t pick the dad YOU did
Don’t put kids in the middle of grown folk


Easy…lots of video and recordings proof for the mental abuse for court Good luck :+1: :wink:

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None of us know enough about this situation to make assumptions or opinions. This is pretty vague. If he was abusive that is reason to not want to coparent. And yes sometimes women stay in abusive relationships because of fear for what may happen to child if they are split and father is awarded split custody or visitation. For some situations it’s more scary to think your child may be abused and u won’t be there to stop it or protect them. And yes I’ve seen parents have to coparent with abusive exes and in domestic violence situations. But again this post is pretty vague.

So I see some people blaming mom for wanting her child safe and for the record everything he does or says has to mom has everything to do with the child if he treats her bad think about how hell treat his kid its common sense guys geez…to the op dont stay if he’s not a good fit your child can still see dad even if your not together should you feel it safe to happen listen to your gut your instincts and do what they say you should do show her you can be strong and show her respect is important make a plan and put it in use and keep everything he says and record everything he does should court be a issue most courts favor the mom and the only way to not have custody is if your unfit and has proof to show it so use this as an opportunity to show him the court ( should it cone to that) and you daughter that your more than capable to do it :slight_smile: good luck momma


Get a restraining order. I got a restraining order on my ex cuz he was controlling. my ex wouldn’t let me leave him and I had texts and emails to back me up saying I am not allow to leave the relationship and that he will not allow me to run free.

Yeahhh don’t withhold your shared child, just because he was bad to you doesn’t mean he will be the same to the kid :woman_shrugging:

Family court doesn’t care about your feelings.


If you stay with him he will control her just like he controls you. Leave him and file for custody of your daughter, in most places controlling behaviour is considered abuse, if you have witnesses or proof court will be much easier also seek out professional help for both you and your daughter, reports from specialists to back up your claims can help in court.

Contact a women’s center for the signs of abuse and a lawyer to see what documentation you would need to prove abuse in court to get sole custody. You can also specify you want him to only have supervised visits and why. They can tell you if you’ll have a case or not for either outcome. Do others find him controlling and/or abusive or just you? It would help to get testimony/documentation from others to support your allegations. Do you think he would abduct your child? How is he as a father? Much to think about. Research and knowledge are your friends. Also therapy to rebuild your self-esteem.


He is still unfortunately the father of your child.
As long as he hasn’t killed somebody or hurt someone or you there should be no reason he shouldn’t be able to see his child.
Set something up in court but bring up with your lawyer or the judge your concerns.
Screen shot everything, record what you can, keep a book and log of ANYTHING.
And in the years to come if he gives you any problems, open the book and show proof.

There is SO much victim blaming in these comments I’m astonished. No matter your reason for staying, it’s not your fault. I know there’s so many different reasons you may stay in that situation and it’s no ones right to judge unless you are letting it hurt your child. Honestly, I would need more specific info of the situation to give decent advice.

It’s not a if you want to thing your child has the right to see your child if it’s court order but if you have proof you can ask for supervised visits

Sounds like you’re both being controlling when it comes to the child, because you straight out said that you’re only with your boyfriend because you don’t want to share custody and that sounds pretty controlling to me. You say your boyfriend is controlling but that’s just off of your word because he’s not here to defend himself but if it’s true then between the both of you you’re going to cause a lot of issues for your daughter. Being controlling is not a reason to stay with somebody even if you do have a child together.

Pamela A Broberg gives outstanding advice. Controlling behavior and even emotional/mental issues against a child are very hard to prove and the courts will want to ensure each parent has access to their child. I also recommend consulting with a local organization that specializes in these types of issues with children. They may also be able to point you in the right direction to a therapist for your child that can do “play therapy” and provide you, your child and your child’s father with valuable feedback and healthy coping mechanisms. It’s a hard road with a lot of effort on your part but it will definitely be worth it.

He wasn’t too controlling for you to spread your legs for him though :thinking:

He’s her dad…you don’t want to be controlling yet you want to control the situation…let it be…ur child and her father’s relationship is not urs…let it go