Here is my problem, and I’m hoping this community can help me out a little with some insight. I have been with my fiancé for almost three years. We both have children from previous marriages. We have been engaged for almost a year. Hard times struck him, and I and we are living with my parents. Although we have different living spaces, we are still a household of seven. Nine, when his kids visit. He got into some trouble last year and got a DWI. Instead of taking charge, the court offered him to go through the Veterans Court to expunge his charge so it wouldn’t go on his record, sighting the arrest and charge stemmed through PTSD from being in the service. This program they put him into is extravagant. It takes up two weekdays, every week for court and meeting with his “probation/court” officer. There are also two weekdays where he engages in the group and alone therapy. He has to call in every morning to the hotline, and if his “color” (that was assigned to him when he entered) is called out, he has to go for a UA immediately. He can’t work full time. He is hard-working part-time. That doesn’t stop his spending. He kinda expects my parents to pick up his slack financially. I refuse to give him money for video games/ energy drinks while he sits on his butt at home for 16+ hours a day playing his games. He is a 40-year-old man. My parents are fed up, as am I. I was married for 15 years to an abusive man, divorced, and was single for almost ten years. I finally found someone whom I bode well with, and then this happens. I have several autoimmune diseases, and I’m on disability. I can’t afford to move out on my own. That’s where he was supposed to help me. Be a man. But he has shown no interest in wanting to be better, no initiative to progress into something more. He is stagnating. In a year, he has gained 80 pounds. He can’t walk without wheezing. There has been no sex for six months. Nothing. No touching. No kissing in a romantic way, NOTHING. I understand this comes with depression, as I have it as well. I am on medication too for this, and so I haven’t made a big deal about the intimacy. I feel like I’m living with my friend. I don’t know how to tell him anything without hurting his feelings or judging him. Help me. What do I do?
so long Charlie. You are involved with a man child who is not taking responsibility for his own behavior. PTSD is real but real men don’t sponge off of you or your parents and play video games. He needs to get his life together. Sounds like he quit working on the relationship a long time ago. Hit the road JACK.
Most importantly you need to take care of yourself and make sure you a good. Then find a way to get him out and move on with your life. He won’t change.
You have to understand PTSD especially stemming from the military. Depending on which service branch & when he got out, obviously he’s dealing with a lot & not sure how to cope. If you don’t want to deal with that then leave. It’s a long process & he probably has no idea who he is anymore & has lost his identity. So he hides behind things so he doesn’t have to face the world. PTSD in veterans is very hard. It’s a daily battle like anything is. My husband is a marine with PTSD. Go to counseling with him & help him through this, if you treat him like a baby he’s going to resent you. He’s lost right now & only you can help him out of it. But it sounds like you don’t want to.
You are a babysitter and caregiver. No reason to be. When times get hard both people step up to the best of their ability. Sounds like only one of you is doing it. He’s using you and your family. You deserve better.
Sit down talk to him tell him how you feel! Then give him a few weeks to get him some living quarters for himself set up. Stick to the date of him moving out! Y’all both go separate ways. Its never going to change he 40! Dnt sit around waisting your life with this guy trying to turn him or waiting for poop to turn into sugar. He most likely going to try and play you asking for more time dnt give it to him! Tell him 2 weeks! If he hasn’t found a place in 2 weeks regardless he still going to be moved out!
Your wasting your time. There is nothing more we all need than to be loved and in love. You are not his mother nor are you his lover. Friends dont take advantage of friends so I’m sorry but your not that either. If you love him and want to see if he will change. Live separately. It’s not your problem or responsibility where or how he lives so dont even discuss that.
Sit down have a good conversation with him on this issue if you get no where with the conversation then it’s time he goes and lives with his parents. Being down on your luck is not a pass to use others (your parents) kindness and love.
Ur not hurting his feelings or judging him. He has no feelings for anyone but himself. There’s a saying… U don’t need company to be miserable, u can do that by urself.
If he is like this while you are engaged I would hate to see what he would be like if you are married. I say don’t make excuses for him, tell him to leave! You have your own children to take care of!
Get him assessed by the VA and see if PTSD is a disability and how much of a percentage. That will entitle him to a disability check per month. If by chance he is 100% disabled, you may qualify to become his caregiver. Which also pays a stipend to you. If again he is 100% disabled, you could qualify for social security disability. PTSD is a horrible thing. My husband has it. I won’t go into details, but your best friend is his therapist and the American Legion.
Why marry someone if you can’t communicate with them? That’s whole point of marriage. Communication and teamwork.
Maybe go see a marriage or couples counselor
My husband is my best friend. And he doesnt act like that. Your man is not self sufficient and need to get his shit together or buh bye
This is not a good situation. Please get out now. He will bring you down.
Talk to him. Have him talk to someone at the VA about his depression. But the big question is Do you love him? You said you “bode” well with him. I dont know what that means but marriage should be between 2 people who love each other.
Read your post as if someone else wrote it and were asking your opinion. I think you will know your answer then. Best of luck.
I can’t give advice, but I’ll sure tell you what I would do… I’d make him leave…
Me and him would have a day of reckoning.
He sounds like he needs some serious help. Do you love this man? Are you going to uphold vows to this guy? If not, then you might as well walk now. Better not to waste another day. If you do love this man, truly love this man. You need to get him some serious health. Sounds to me like a major case of depression. You need to communicate. It is the only way to stay in a relationship
Hit the road, Jack, and don’t come back no more, no more…!
and dont look back!
Dump him the two of you should be on your own not living with your parents i never did live with mine and we grew up and we been married for 59 years yes it was rough but never thought about going back home and living
A relationship is between 2 ppl not 1… communication is the key
Get rid of the bum
He’s using you and your family
Omg…kick his butt to the curb
Get rid of this bum. He has no job, no ambition, obviously doesn’t care about the strain he’s putting on others. He’s taking ZERO responsibility. You haven’t had sex in six months and he doesn’t seem to see an issue as he is making no changes. He doesn’t care and you can’t fix that. Kick him out
Move on. Tell him hes got to go.
Leave him. You’re making excuses for a man child.
It’s called get a Job and both of you quit living with your parents
Just be honest with him
Lose this person immediately.
A man who doesnt work shouldnt ear. A man who doesnt provide for his family is worse than an infidel. And why you brought this in on your parents shame on you!:((…hes a moocher a lazy one too.and you teach people how to treat you…why are you tolerating this behavior?
But you knew he had this problems before you got engaged with him, now you see the ugly side as soon as he got fat:roll_eyes: ok… also your parents shouldn’t be taking care of him but neither of you, just like him you are also using your disable excuse to not leave your parents home:smirk: sorry I’m judging but you seem to be getting things in other perspective. You think your parents have to put up with you because you are disabled and because you are their daughter. As for him, Tell him that he has to get a new place, if you aren’t happy and you don’t love him anymore you have to break things up.
He needs to sort himself out and because you are so generous he’s taking the piss
God is abundant
You will find a good match
OH NO MA’AM…since WHEN is it F***ing ACCEPTABLE to live with YOUR parents and bring a DEADBEAT partner WITH YOU? AND HIS KIDS??? NO MA’AM! Sorry to be so brash NO MA’AM!!! He is a MAN, REAL MEN WOULD NEVER BURDEN HIS WOMAN OR HER PARENTS NO MA’AM If I were YOU’RE parents HE would be LEAVING and if YOU didn’t like it ,YOU would be LEAVING with HIM NO MA’AM ! What in the HELL needs to be discussed? No MA’AM
I feel sorry for your parents they are probably at an age were they don’t need all this from your partner especially the financial side of things sounds to me like its all about him you have a lot of thinking to do if its like this now what does your future hold for you
Reality is. Only you can show him what makes you happy and he can express himself to whatever makes him happy. If both ur happiness isnt aiming at the same thing. You guys have to meet a happy medium and if he doesnt value you enough to see ur struggles and try to make ur life easier.
Then he stopped doing things for u all together.
A relationship ends the momment u stop doing things for each other.
U cant take what he doesnt offer u and if he keeps taking ur time and efforts. He becomes the weight. You always have to be half way in putting each other first and if he isnt pulling his own weight. He stopped caring for the relationship along time ago.
Depression is not an excuse to stop caring or stop accepting proper help from you.
He has no regard for you…n others drop him.tell him you didn’t put him in jail send hs kids back to mom.leave him alone before he destroy you n your parents.drop tht O.n get real Hero🌹
If hes your best friend you should be able to talk to him about this and he should understand and see it… it may take a few day for him to process and he will be angry about it or upset it goes a few different ways but… at the end of the day he should want to work with you on it… if not… I’d leave
Sounds to me like you already know. You have to put your children first then yourself and hope someone appreciates your strength enough to make a team with you . Good luck to you
It sounds exactly like my husband. He retired from the military for 20yrs. Got a job in the fire department. But since he left the military he became depressed… with his Job he only work 2 days a week but 24hrs shifts. Some week he will have 3-4days straight. And during those days off he doesn’t do anything but drink and play video games all day and all night. He doesn’t try to spend time with our kids or even help me around the house. I also work full time and attend the children. I have spend most of my nights crying because iam all alone in my bed room every night. In the past year or two. No intimacy or what so ever. But I caught him watching porn and Masturbating. I caught him talking to females gamers online.
I have given my husband the ultimatum about his drinking and video game addiction. And still nothing. But a threat to me that he will kill himself. If leave him. I had tried everything my best to help him but no change. He keeps saying he doesn’t have anything to live for… and I have told him a million times that his children and I are the reason to live for.
I feel your pain and wish you the best. And I hope my husband will see the reason to live.
I have PTSD and I don’t work but I know if I don’t make a real effort to do my bit then I’m gonna lose my husband and my child. I’m not gonna lie it’s hard especially when I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and I will randomly fall asleep anywhere I still make an effort. I think that’s the point, if he is making an effort and you guys can talk it out then yeah give him some room but if he isn’t then kick him out.
Sounds like he’s taking advantage of the situation and using his problems as a crutch
Me and my boyfriend always stop and talk the momment we realize we are not putting enough effort in each other and try to stay with each others pace.
Ur aiming for a future and he doesnt want to move. Eventually you will be to far gone for him and he will still be the same if he doesnt decide to change himself as a person for ur happiness and his own…
A break up is never the end. If he feels like getting back on his feet one day and return. If ur ever willing to accept him back on ur terms and meet half way again…u can always do it.