I feel like I have ungrateful step kids

First time asking for advice but at this point I feel like I have ungrateful step kids. 5 total. Three teens whom live with us. I’ve been there”step” (not married) mom for 5 years now ive taken over moms role since she abandoned 3 of them at a park at night after beating up two of them leaving them there for other people to call the police. I’ve taken on the role pregnant taking them to school and switching them over under my house and rules. Things were rocky in the beginning. 4 years of family therapy, 3 years of individual therapy. Endless court dates of mom telling he judge she doesn’t want the three she left behind and visitation with the other two she kept. Things went on with the forced visitation of crying and the police stations for exchanges until the judge decided they were old enough to decide to go or not. Same with the ones under her care. Since the court placed them with us no contact. Birthdays, holidays, Instagram. Nothing. I’ve taken over school, doctors, ortho, optometrist, even gyno when they came older! Dad works a really demanding job sometimes out of state for weeks. I took care of them. Every need I was asked before dad. Fast forward into year 5 and now mom decides she wants to be in their lives buying them expensive gifts. Newest iPhones, iPads, Apple watches, newest line shoes! Things I couldn’t get them since it was 7 kids in total under my care at times(I have two of my own) since she returned I have been trying to be civil with her on how she has them in her house. No chores, staying out late, gallivanting late hours of the morning with the opposite sex alone! The kids were treated as if they were adults making their own decisions. They come back into my home questioning their chores and why they should clean their rooms. Down to having their mother call their father saying I’m stepping out of line asking them to do chores and telling them to do their homework before leaving the house. So I stopped reminding them of chores and homework and responsibilities leaving it up to their father to be on them. 3 weeks go by and now they are caught in public spaces drinking alcohol. Smoking weed and with vape pens. Dad had enough of them and confronted them. It was a screaming match and then the three ran away coming back with police and their mother to collect their belongings and go live with her. I’m scorned and angry but I can see it in my partner that he is now without his 5 children more so. It’s opening up court dates all over again. They even started a TRO against him to stay away and no contact.

What I’m really asking is. Is it worth it to fight for them once more? And I can I support my partner?

171 Likes

Kids will always rather be with the more lenient parent… they won’t have to do anything. At home (your house) they have structure, chores, etc where as with their mom they can pretty much do whatever they want it sounds like. She probably likes the fact that they choose her over you guys, but it’s honestly just hurting the kids… they won’t have any structure and they’ve already been in trouble for alcohol and weed. I would say it’s worth it to go to court for them, it always is when it comes to yours (or your partners) kids. As far as supporting him, just be there. Ask him what he needs, ask what you can do to help, ask him what he wants to do in this case

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like I have ungrateful step kids

The grass is always greener and kids will always question that. They will be getting close to adulthood at a guess and even after all the hard work , I’d leave them to it. They’ll see fit themselves who was there for them and who took them for granted

3 Likes

As a kid who went through somewhat similar…
Fight. Keep fighting no matter how hard it gets.
The mother sounds like she’s trying to buy their love to hurt you. She’s turned the kids against you.
All I can say in the end you fighting for them will be worth it. They need to go back to therapy and work things out. Mom definitely made things a 100000 times worse

15 Likes

When is the wedding sounds like y’all need to have a family meeting an talk about the changes an who dislikes what an why have a discussion about respecting your elders an step mom does dad enforce any rules or another thought is take your 2 an move out happiness is the goal an responsibility

1 Like

No matter what she does, that’s always going to be their mom. And it’s always going to be a weakness for them, because they long for her love and approval. I don’t think it’s any disrespect to you intentionally, I think that they just seized opportunity to be close to her after being abandoned. I would def support your husband, because he probably feels like you do but as their father he feels it’s his duty to protect them. Be compassionate, set that anger and hurt feeling aside mama. Kids are always going to make mistakes, just let them know you guys will be there to catch them when they fall. And you don’t know what she’s saying to them when they’re with her. Things will work out, just keep having faith and lean on your partner for support and be there for him as well

21 Likes

Nope dont fight, they’ll come back give it a couple months, ofcourse support his feelings but if he is constantly away for work hopefully he can keep distracted by that for the time being. I do believe theyll cm bk love and structure always trump material items

4 Likes

I have 2 step sons. I’ve raised for 13 years. I love them more than anything. I also have a daughter and a son on thr way. I wouldn’t allow that behavior around my young kids. But I would never give up on them. I have fought really tough battles for 13 years and still fight them. Sometimes I feel like giving up but I could never do it.

2 Likes

The moms true colors will shine through like they did before right now it’s all good with her because she is buying them whatever they want letting them do whatever they want they have no responsibilities and that’s just hurting them in the long run because they won’t be ready for the real world !! I definitely would not play their game !! Be proud of what you did for them and let them learn the hard way !! Stay strong you got this :heart:

15 Likes

If it helps all children are ungrateful, even my biological children “is that all” is frequently asked on birthdays". We have a similar issue with my partners children (they are younger though 7, 9, 10 and their mother is violent nor abandonedthem she just has no rules, no bed times, no homework, no chores, they do what they want, they demand what they want to eat, they are in charge) we have them half the time and they are constantly complaining “that’s not my job it’s yours” whenever we ask them to do anything. Their mother does everything. I’ve came to the point of appointing chores that are exactly their jobs, putting their clothes away, making their bed, putting toys they got out away, putting their plates in the dishwasher, they used it, therefore it is their jobs. When we get them a gift “it’s OK mummy buys us more” they can’t argue about coming to us for our half of the time because there’s a court order in place but I wouldn’t be surprised if when old enough to decide for themselves they choose the house with no rules, and a live in maid (their mother). But think positively even if it does end like that the time you spent with them hopefully taught them a few life lessons for their future when they live alone and have to do things for themselves. It’s hard now, but you have to respect their wishes, just tell them you love them and the doors always open. If their mother beat them and left them before she will again and they will need you. They will learn as they grow who cared, sometimes it takes letting them make their own mistakes, to learn.

9 Likes

Nope sounds like they are of age they can choose. Let them choose her, they will be crawling back before too long. The kids sound very manipulative and drama filled.

1 Like

Do not fight for them let them go

1 Like

Your job may be over you gave them structure for these years. But now they are trying to make there own disitions they want to be there own person you gave them a lot moms back you may have to release control to mom she’s guilty and trying to make amends to them she grew a little but not a lot someone has to stand up and let

As a daughter who has crappy mother… keep fighting for them.

8 Likes

Keep fighting and let them know the door is open but back n forth won’t be tolerated.
Here true colors will show soon enough & they’ll need ppl who love them to pick up the pieces.
The TRO won’t stick bc it has no legal basis.

4 Likes

Not take one arm and and the other take the other arm and pull who’s going to be big enough to stop making them pick some things are out of our control like someone kills there self oh it’s all my fault no it isn’t no it maybe 6 percent your fault and 80 percent drug dealers fault 10 percent there own fault it is not 100 percent any one’s fault they make there own disition

Think of a dog that is beaten by its owner but still craves the owner’s attention and love, do you think of the dog as ungrateful when it acts out due to the trauma and need for its master love?

Abused children can be the same way, no matter how beaten or traumatized they’re, they may always crave their mother’s love, attention, and acceptance… Which may not always come out in healthy ways.

They will always be worth fighting for, one day they might even thank you for it.

33 Likes

Remember god may want your kids to have a chance

1 Like

Not worth it for you.

5 Likes

They are kids with abandonment issues and trauma most people could never imagine. The kids are not the ones to be mad at or annoyed with here.

10 Likes

Put your foot down. Don’t allow her into your house. Sounds very manipulative person who needs to keep away from you. She is bad energy in which you don’t need.

Leave them be they have made up their minds who they want to be,save yourself unnecessary stress and trauma because they don’t care about you.you did your best and I tip my hat to you one day they will regret the way they treat you

12 Likes

I wouldn’t fight for them if they choose to live with their mother. I’m sure in time they will realise all that you have done for them. I can’t imagine how it feels to have your bio Mum not want you, I have sympathy for them.

8 Likes

Fight for them, but let them get a good dose of living with her first. If they still do the same thing- hopefully they will remember the raising you gave them eventually.

6 Likes

She doesn’t sound capable of being a real mother. Eventually that will show and her children will be hurt to the point of feeling lost. Just understand them being this way now seems cool to them but she is setting a standard of chaos that will be hard to maintain. They will need someone to run to when that blows up again.

You did nothing wrong. Feelings of betrayal and hurt belong with the mother. Just place them all there. Unfortunately these children have no clue what’s on store for them

10 Likes

They have to kno that y’all are there. They’re always going to want love from their bio mother. That’s just how we are, no matter how she treats them. I hate to say it, but the ungrateful ness is 90% of this day n age kids. They’ll pick what they want, you just have to have open arms when she decides to kick them to the curb. Again…

3 Likes

You’ve done what you can and it seems like your husband needs to step up now. A demanding job doesn’t excuse him from parenting. I’m sorry you’re feeling out of control. They’re young and don’t/ can’t fully understand the situation with adult perspective. If you continue to be a safe place for them, they will find their way back

18 Likes

Keep fighting g for them. If not then they may go to jail and get into trouble.

They’re confused. They want to believe their mother is coming around for them when really she’s just trying to cause issues. They’re gonna act out more than the average kid because they were neglected and hurt by their bio mother. It’s gonna suck. But you have to take one step at a time with something like this. Eventually it will pay off. Just don’t pull the “I took care of you when your mom couldn’t” card on them. They’re gonna resent that. They’re hurting and hiding behind neglegient actions. They don’t even realize how deep their emotional turmoil is yet. When they’re older they will reflect and know. I can say this because I went through such similar circumstances with my parents. It was ALWAYS custody battles and I hated my mom, then loved her, then lived with her and couldn’t stand it. Then went back to my dads which was more confusion. But in the long run I had more issues with my mom and had my dad to thank for the lessons he did teach me, and the fact he was more structured than my mom really helped in the long run. But it takes more time for some than others. Try to be patient and persistent. That will help you immensely through all of this.

you have to remember that, that’s their mom. it’s really hard for kids in abusive relationships with a parent to make rational choices. I personally wouldnt give up on them. if you love them and think of them like your own, then fight for them like they were your own. start therapy with them again. individual and family. reasure them that you love them and are there for them no matter their choice to move in with birthmom. The b.mom sounds pretty shitty, and it sounds like she is using bribary and probably guilt to get back into their life. She’s probanly manipulating them and filling their heads with a lot of lies.
i grew up in an abusive house. my dad abused me but it wasnt until i figured out that the stuff he did wasnt okay that i stopped advocating him being a better parent than my mom. situation is dif. but i feel like the blindness and the need to be loved my a parent is similar.

you obvioulsy have rules, boundries and expectations in your home and they need to be accountable for that. but theyre kids and you shouldnt just kick em to the curb.

honestly they will probably see pretty soon how much they need you. you have to leave that door open though and you have to let them know.

same with your partner. just communication about your needs and boundries in this situation. what you want to happen. and listening and being there when he is ready/needs to talk about it.

even if your step kids dont come back i 100% think you guys should keep up tharepy and tell the judge that you strongley believe that should be something the kids keep up on at ther bmoms.

Sounds to me, you need recognition and appreciation. Not from the kids. But from their father. Those children will not see what you are doing for them, now. When they’re older and wiser, they will.
Doing this is hard. It’s difficult. It’s unfair. But they need you.

I’ve learned, with my step kids and with my own children… They’re going to fight me. Because they know, I’m not going anywhere. I’m their safe place when they can no longer deal.

You’ve got this momma.

6 Likes

Unfortunately no… I’m going through something similar with my daughters. It’s heartbreaking

2 Likes

Let them go and they can figure out themselves why you had the rules and why you cared for them how you did. When theyre adults theyll realize what theyve done.

4 Likes

Just be there when all this stuff that they craved for years goes to shit. And trust me it will. There is nothing you can do besides hurry up and wait for them to mature and see what’s going on

You honestly sound like the most sane, responsible and incredibly forgiving MOTHER ever.
Im gonna keep it real though - it sounds like your up against some toxic throw ins —. ALWAYS do what’s right, and take EVERYNE into consideration. Sounds like you been doing that…. You might need to start a relationship with the mom, and just show her how you do things. Cause it sounds like she’s in survival mode.

2 Likes

Not worth the fight…they will come back, kids make bad decisions all the time, stand your ground!! You sound like an incredible lady…God bless you and your family.x

3 Likes

And this is why I will never take the mother roll of someone else’s kids because once biological mum decides she wants to step back in their life’s, it all down hill from there no appreciation no thankyou no kiss my arse absolutely fcken nothing for all the hard work you’ve put in all those years to get them from A to B then they wanna kick you in the gut all because mummy’s back, fuck that… but alot of woman do it just to please their men play mummy dearest to his kids then nek minit biological mummy walks back in and takes over Lol Oh fck that :sweat_smile:

No good deed goes unpunished. Let it be. You have supported your partner by caring for them all this time. Focus on your two now, be there if the others need you in the future. They will probably work this out in their own minds, but if they don’t, well, you did your best.

4 Likes

I don’t think they’re ungrateful. For one they’re teenagers. Two, their mom is around and buying them expensive things and from what I’ve watched happen to people I know, when a parent that abandoned you comes back around you’re excited. You’re hopeful and so happy to see your parent. They are children nonetheless and so I don’t think it’s a lost cause. I’m sure it’s exhausting but they’re still children and right now their mother is showing them attention I’m sure they’ve wanted. The kids aren’t the ones to be mad at or give up on. They need someone to be there for them now more than ever, especially if mom walks out again.

13 Likes

Let them go and if they want to come back at some point - they will have to live by your rules.

5 Likes

Stand by what the father wants. If he wants to take this to court. Then be right by his side.

1 Like

Let them go…they wll come back sorry . We all want love from our mum sometimes it happens sometimes not…as they get older they will see the difference…good luck

6 Likes

Firstly, You are an amazing woman.
All you can do is continue to be the loving, supportive mother and partner you have been. Its rough, and its gonna be that way for a while.
Those kids sound confused, and deeply hurt inside from being abandoned by their birth mother.
Those sorts of issues last forever sometimes.
Substance abuse at a young age is the easiest way for kids to rebel and mask their inner demons all in one. (I speak from personal experience as I did this from like 12/13)
Its true when they say that children lash out the most at the people they feel safe with doing so. Once the novelty of mums guilt gifting stops and they see her for the one who abandoned them, they’ll remember who was there for them when they needed it the most.
You’ve done everything you can to provide a safe, loving and stable home hun. Enforce your rules and guidelines as you always have. Shows them nothing has changed in your home and that your home is the one that is safe and you guys won’t abandon them regardless of how hard things get.

Good luck xx hugs

16 Likes

1- dad/husband needs to step up. It shouldn’t be “I discipline” “now it’s up to him”. It should ALWAYS be “your dad and I” or “lisa and I feel like you guys deserve this punishment”. (Used my name since you’re anonymous) he shouldn’t allow you to do all the discipline and all the raising and accept all the consequences when it doesn’t go right. He should be more involved. Which leads to…
2- why aren’t y’all married? Not being rude but court systems are easier to win in when the family looks… “good”. I know that sounds terrible but if you’re already taking care of his home and raising his kids, why not?
3- sounds like the system has failed y’all. If the kids are old enough to choose, and they chose y’all, then they run away and get to choose her… it truly sounds like the system is allowing them to pitch a fit and get their way. So if what you’re saying is correct, these kids done got it figured out. They already know tattling to a cop will send them right back to the opposite parents house.
4- in alabama, we have laws about it. Mama would have to pass a drug test and a welfare check if getting kids back after they left. If the kids have already been in therapy and in trouble with school and law…. Idk how she got them back but if she did… the case is almost settled. Mama usually wins.

Which means lastly, they’ll come back. They want her Bc they can do as they please. But when one is super sick and having to make their own soup… or one is needing tampons and she has no money… or has detention Bc mama keeps skipping the parent teacher conference… they’ll want a REAL parent figure then. Until then, remind them how much you care and how welcome they are… but make it CLEAR that once they’re back, you’ll be filing a restraining order and she’ll be gone. If they still stay with her… that’s left to courts.

If you don’t fight for them who will?

They are teenagers so to them all these new items and the freedom she gives them is more enticing for them. She’s just trying to buy their love because she messed up. They’ll be back. Doesn’t sound like she actually wants to be their mom.

5 Likes

Keep fighting. It’s draining yes but coming from experience. Those kids are still broken. They don’t understand just how important you are yet. And they will when they get older. My step mom was the best thing to happen to my family. But we seen her as a threat. We kept waiting as If she was like our bio mother. And she went from 3 Teens to 6 Teens. We didn’t understand that. Just show that you still want and love them. Keep fighting because they are gonna need yall again.

7 Likes

You are amazing thank God that You were there for them…don’t worry let them be stand by ur partner he really needs u. The kids will see what love rly means when it matters. When they come back it’s ur house ur rules and nothing less…

3 Likes

You are a fantastic woman for stepping up for them. I feel like mom will end up bein flaky again. The fam is obiously important to you. As far as advice, i say try to be patient these kids need you. They will be gratful for you. They are kids that dont appreciate yet but they will. Blees your :heart:. I appreciate you being a great step parent i know how hard it is

2 Likes

Nope! Let them be with her! Let their father deal with it if he chooses to. Relax, get your house in order…teenagers can be awful period especially when they are ungrateful & entitled. She did you a favor.

4 Likes

It will always be worth it to fight for them. It sounds like you’re the only stable influence in their life. They might not appreciate it now, but they will as they get older. I have 6 kids that I gave birth too, and 3 others that I’ve raised. All but one are adults now. I went through the exact same thing. Dad let them do anything. It will get better, I promise. And you can alway PM me, if you need to rant :two_hearts:

2 Likes

Totally worth it to fight for them again.

Chances are, all of this is part of a lasting trauma bond with their bio mom and their longing for her acceptance.

1 Like

I think you and your husband need to have a meeting with each child and tell them how much you love them, how proud you are of them when they do well in school and make the right decisions, what your hopes for their futures are and how worried you are that the support they need to be successful isn’t going to be provided at their moms house. Then put the ball back in each kids court and tell them they need to figure out what kind of life they want and make decisions based on that not just what feels fun and free at the moment.

10 Likes

When I read this I felt like there was a lot of bitterness and almost a little resentment for everything you took on as their step parent. Which honestly, that’s fair. I’m sure there were nights that you felt it was so unfair that their mother did nothing for them meanwhile you did everything. That’s completely valid. I feel that kids can certainly be ungrateful in our eyes because we see everything we’re doing for them. But they don’t typically understand the extent of it. Often our hard work goes unnoticed.
For myself, I grew up with a part time dad and the anxiety in me was to try to become exactly what he needed so he could love me more. I was obsessed with gaining his love. He eventually moved out of state when I was 13. I was so broken. All that turned towards blaming my mom. I thought it was her fault. It wasn’t. It was my fathers. My mom remarried shortly after and my step dad fought for me. Every day. I didn’t make their lives easy. I ran away, I began to self harm, I even attempted suicide a few times. No matter what I did and no where I had been… I knew that they would be there for me. As an adult now and a single mother, I get it. I understand.
It seems as though to me and through my experience that maybe these kids are going through similar feelings. My mom did all the things you did, but it was overshadowed by the needing to have my fathers approval. So all in all, I just wanted to say these children need you to not give up on them. No matter how hard. No matter what they put you through.
They are hurting. They are learning. They need to know that no matter what you are their safe space. You will always protect them. I find in parenthood we fight a million unseen battles for our children. They won’t ever know.

It may come across ungrateful, but really they’re just figuring out their lives.

14 Likes

I’ve been in the same exact boat! all I can say is let it be! you fought a good long fight practically by yourself with his kid’s! they will say whatever will work in their favor to get what they want. literally your house your rules and don’t forget that it affects your children as well.

5 Likes

Let go. They made a choice, now they’ll see it isn’t always greener. It is only a matter of time before she goes back to ditching them and then they’ll want to come back. Then when they ask to come back set up nonnegotiables at the door. Chores WILL be done, homework, work…whatever case maybe. I’d even write it out as an agreement with conditions listed and have each sign a set. Teach responsibility and accountability. Enforce all laid out consequences if agreement is violated. (They want to act grown, being grown has rules and consequences too)

2 Likes

No. It’s good what’s happened finally. Focus on your own kids or you will regret that lost energy and time all your life.

2 Likes

Ungrateful motherf***kers

3 Likes

Raise the kids that are home and let the others know y’all love em and have room for them.

2 Likes

You should always fight for your children until they are cometely old enough to make adult decicsions. If you dont they will remember however it is not your responsibility it is the father’s and you should just be there to support him and his actions.

3 Likes

i wpuld not fight at this point. fuck that

Keep fighting! Moms trying to buy their love and right now, they are buying it. Eventually they will grow up and see who was really there for them

5 Likes

Maybe the best thing is to act like you let go and maybe the kids will come back willingly. But if dad wants them back then he should fight for them also it can’t be all you.

3 Likes

I would definitely fight for them because when the going gets tough their real mom will be gone. The kids need to know that their father and you will be there for them no matter what. They only like their biological mom right now because she is allowing them to do what they want and buying their love with expensive gifts. Keep doors of communication open with the kids let them know you love them, your door is always open and they are welcome to come back. Let your husband deal with the bio- mom and stand beside him every step of the way. I will be praying for you and this situation.

3 Likes

I am torn on the situation. Please don’t expect “greatfullness” over the basic care they deserved in the first place. Shouldn’t have to be greatful to have been wanted. No just no. Expecting it over that feels icky.
Now is bio mom doing this right ? Heck no … but a lot of this is teen stuff with a complicated family situation thrown into the tornado. I am also feeling the one sidedness of some of the story. I feel like there may be missing pieces

11 Likes

If they want to be with Mom and the courts deem her fit, there’s not much that y’all can do. Especially since they are the age to choose. It’s a sad and frustrating situation, but that’s what it is. If dad wants to fight it, support him, but all I see him getting is visitation if mother is deemed fit. It’s really sad because y’all were doing well with the kiddos, also when the going gets tough the mom will more than likely split. All those kids/teens see is a good time and they want to take advantage of her for that reason.

8 Likes

You’ve done all u could,let them go

2 Likes

First let me say how much I respect and commend you for raising those kid’s as your own! You sacrificed ALOT to be their safe person/place. I can imagine how your heart is broken and how sad and even angry you feel inside. It’s easy for everyone to tell you to give up and walk away, but deep down you know those kid’s need you and their father. Try hard to keep the lines of communication open with them. Love them from afar. Welcome them back with open arms WHEN that time comes, because it definitely will come! Pray for them daily & nightly. Pray the Lord will protect them, even from their own selves. You’re a wonderful woman, the true meaning of what a mother should be. Don’t ever forget that. Sending love and ((hugs)) to you from Orlando, FL to wherever you may be in this world. :heart: I will keep you and this situation in my prayers.

4 Likes

My opinion. Because I lived it. Once teens get a taste of freedom, there’s not much going back. It’ll be a huge continuous fight until they are old enough to go. I lived through hell with my ex. Abandoned my son for nearly 14 years, pops up, he became bff of the year. Electronics, concerts, money, let the gf spend the night etc. I was nearly suicidal before this nightmare ended. Best wishes! You will need them no matter what you do.

8 Likes

Telling a child they need to be “grateful” for basic necessities is wrong. They didn’t choose to be brought into the world. It’s our job as parents to provide for them until they are old enough to do it themselves.
Telling a child they need to be grateful bc you fed, clothed & housed them causes major resentment.

Bio-mom is the “Disneyland” parent right now bc she buys them expensive things and let’s them do whatever they want.

Let them know you and your partner love them, support them, and want to help them be the successful people you know they can be. You will always have room for them, but that there are rules at your house for their own safety and well-being.

No arguing. No screaming matches.

They are pushing the boundaries bc they are scared deep down you’ll just give up on them too.

It will take time, but they will come around if you guys show them love and acceptance.

You don’t have to agree with their choices and can tell them that, but don’t make it seem that you are giving up bc they have made mistakes. Every person alive makes mistakes but we’re all still deserving of love.

Good luck :heart:

9 Likes

Teens are always going to want to go where there are less rules, not where they are better off.

6 Likes

Let them go, they won’t understand your value until they are older, let her deal with crazy teens.

2 Likes

Let them go…u have done yr part…they were lucky to have u.

6 Likes

Once they get a taste of that irresponsible adult life it’s pretty much over with :woozy_face: and they know how to work the system as you explained so yeah , all you can do is make sure your kids are safe , at the end of the day , dad hasn’t married you so you have no say so and it’s his fault!! I’d let him deal with it since you’ve been playing momma up until then!!

13 Likes

Fight for them, I know it’s hard right now. But they’re better with you and their father. They need stability in their lives their mother is playing a game of its better here because you will have freedom to do whatever you want.

6 Likes

Keep fighting and be there for your husband there so called mom will not want then again they will need/ want you they are confused right now being like every other tell I get to do what I want here

1 Like

Expecting gratefulness for covering a child’s basic necessities is not going to work in your favor. That’s what you signed up for. They need to know you love them, not just because you have to. All teens are ungrateful it’s a right of passage lol

4 Likes

Let them go and use it against mom… cite all the negative changes, behaviors, lawlessness, etc.

3 Likes

Tell the kids up front. Which home are they choosing.

I would just Let them go away AND enjoy my life as I Couldnt have before. What does the dad want them for if he aint even home for weeks?

2 Likes

I mean, they are kids. They are going to get away with everything they are allowed to. They probably are not truly ungrateful, but rather thrown into a whirlwind with their mom being back. They still love her, she’s their mom, and now she’s back buying them expensive gifts and allowing them to do whatever they want! Keep fighting for them as long as you both can. The children won’t realize your value and love until they are mature adults.

9 Likes

Let them decide where they want to be. I agree with the poster above who said you shouldn’t expect them to be grateful for the basic care they deserved in the first place. They are kids in a twisted situation. They always say a child doesn’t stop living the parent who abused them, they just stop loving themselves. You just need to be supportive and always be there for them. They will eventually realize that you raised them in the hardest part of their lives while she ignored them.

13 Likes

They will come back when they realize the grass isn’t greener over there…
Don’t eliminate them entirely, but don’t go chasing them either. Let them “find their way”.
Support your husband through this transition, prioritize yourself, and never feel as though you didn’t do enough for them.
Their memory will serve when mom leaves again, or harms them or something extreme happens…and they will be right back to square one with only you and your husband to call…

6 Likes

All I can say is the expensive gifts won’t last long she is doing it because she doesn’t fully have them under her custody so she has that extra money soon as she realize that they are a handful and her kids start to see she was just buying their happiness they will come back around let them go let her get a taste of what is like to be a full time parent and let them see grass is not always greener on the other side

5 Likes

Those Children are being emotionally and financially munipulated. Do not give up on those babies. My mother signed her rights over to my dad and didn’t see us for a while then started acting like a mom and i started hating my step mom who has been here for us since i was three and after i matured i realized how amazing she was too us and i love her more than my mother even though we are on good terms now. But they might not understand it right now because they are just children but they need you and will grow to respect you.

9 Likes

Teenagers aren’t grateful that come from wonderful homes lol. Mines been expected to do chores and homework since they were small and its still a fight. You thought they was going to come from all that trauma, no rules, and boundaries and just bow down with no backlash? Raising teens is hard when you have stayed on top of them their whole life, I could only imagine dealing with kids that came from that type of setting. They shouldn’t have the option to run back to that crap, dad should seek full custody. They are going to want to do what is easier and get away with what is allowed. Its going to take a lot of work to undo all the bad habits their mom has let them get away with. They should also be in counseling, that is a lot for a young person to deal with.

3 Likes

My first question is how old are they?

1 Like

The grass is only green for a small amount of time then the weeds show there truth. Send messages of love and offer quality time but allow them to see for themselves. I’m so sorry you are enduring this.

6 Likes

Let,them go. One by one they will want to come back. You just getting kicked up your ass. Love them but let them go

Do some research about relational and developmental trauma from a lady called Karen Treisman.

This will help you see why your maternal instincts kicked in in the first place and will help you to understand their behaviours now and how to keep helping them after she has chewed them up and spat them out.

It is perfectly normal to feel defeated and hurt by this.

You are exhausted emotionally and mentally from this piece of shit and her behaviour. You have very right to have your feelings.

Please check out the research it will help you to understand what is happening for them and how you can move forward from this with them.

Sending you strength and clarity xox

Don’t give up on them! They’ll come back. They are just trying to get the love from their mom they wanted their whole life :orange_heart: it will die down. They’ll come back but don’t force them. Let them come back on their own. It won’t last long. $ can’t buy their love.

4 Likes

No let them go if they reach out to you be there on your teems.

2 Likes

Don’t fight unless their safety is compromised. Just stick with “we want what’s best for you. We welcome you home with open arms and we will come if you ever call. We won’t force you to be here. But we ask that you protect yourselves.”
They’re old enough to figure this out for themselves

11 Likes

If you don’t think they are worth fighting for then you don’t need to be in their lives. They are kids. They aren’t going to be grateful for things…esp basic things. That’s just how some kids are. But in the end no matter how the act or what they do they are worth fighting for. If you believe otherwise then you don’t need to be in their lives.

3 Likes

NEVER, EVER say anything bad about their mother, even if she is a POS, which she is & was, Let them visit her, even if they want to move in with her, let them go, Trust me on this one, I have been there as a kid, with my mother, They might think the grass is greener on that side, but in the long run, they will get who the good person is, They are teenagers, They want stuff, understandable, BUT again, never criticize their mom to them, If they are disrespectful when they come home, just say there are rules they must follow, Don’t say, ‘when you guys comes back from your moms, this is how you act or treat me’. Again, just say there are rules & respect they have to follow. I know it will be hard, but you did right & their POS mother did them wrong, But at this age they don’t need to hear that, they need to figure it out for themselves & they will see & know, Sorry you are going thru all of this, Stay strong for them & your kids, I know it was hard, but in the end, when you are older, they will love you & know everything you did was for them

11 Likes

Let them realize how good they had it. If she’s hit them once, she will do it again.

You did the best you could, just remember that😘

5 Likes

It is 100% worth the fight, they are acting the way they are cause they are trying to impress bio mom so she sticks around (something no child at any age should have to do)

2 Likes

Support your partner when you’ve had little support so far? I think you’re beating a dead horse…

Support your partner as much as you can without hurting your health physically and mentally.

4 Likes