You are an amazing mom and bonus mom. Continue with emotional support and make sure they know you and their dad are always there. As hard as it is to sit back and watch, eventually they’ll figure out love, support, and guidance are more valuable than money and unnecessary gifts. I’ve had similar struggles with my bonus kids, they are now young adults and see things differently. As a child, seeking a relationship with a parent, even if unhealthy is natural. Some day they will realize the difference, just keep your arms open. Good luck
Let it be. They are old enough to learn the consequences of their decisions
I feel you on every bit of this. Let it go. If they can’t be respectful, she can deal with the drama. But she don’t need to call either of you when she can’t handle it
Don’t fight. Let them have what they want. It may take awhile but they’ll be back, tails between their legs. But if you fight, they will resist you to prove a point. Even if they want to come home.
Omg yes! It’s worth it! They need guidance, support, stability all the way up to 18 and while if you ever have the chance again tell them the importance of taking care of themselves no drugs no alcohol and to do something with their lives not wasting it on things that don’t matter. They need an adult to lead and tell them these things because their mom may have birthed them but if she’s allowing them to destroy themselves that isn’t love!
She is a BAD influence on them!! Fight!!
Oh my, what a difficult situation! God Bless you for being there, taking them when no one else had and fighting for their happiness when they needed it most! Very selfless and sacrificing of you. In the current moment, let this ride out. Don’t fight, try not to hurt, love in spite of the pain and be ready when they need you. Kids don’t understand their choices and behaviors until they’ve fully developed into adulthood, the appreciation and love WILL one day be reciprocated, just not now. Hang in there, continue being the Christ like individual you are when they need you.
1st off kids are kids! I wouldn’t say they are ungrateful but just kids doing what is typically normal behavior. Also there mom is mom and will always be special to them so if she is showing any kind of support or attention then they will flock to her! No kids like doing chores or having rules! Facts! Also if you guys had court paperwork stating kids are with you 100% then why did they go with her in the first place! If you wanted to be open with mom coming back sound it should have been more limited and supervised! Those kids are worth fighting for! Each and every day! Especially the days you feel less loved or appreciated! Have a talk with dad! That’s who should be showing his appreciation and by that the kids will learn to appreciate you! Fight for those kids if in fact you love them!
I think you need to take a step back n worrie about the little
Ones you got and how’s that affecting them
They’ll side with a parent who won’t make them do anything, because naturally kids are lazier. They want to have fun, excitement, and live on the edge. That’s the reason we need to be parents, because they don’t understand the consequences, repercussions, dangers, etc that come with adult decisions or actions.
The mother is likely responsible for the severe actions of wanting to switch to her and bringing police. I really don’t understand how some of them don’t see how abusive and disgusting she was for abandoning them. They most likely remember it.
Overall, there’s only so much you can do. I’m surprised she can fight for them again and they can just be with her if you had court ordered placement under your guys’ care.
If they want to go be with her, let them. They’ll come to regret it.
If you can, I’d try sitting them down and speaking with them. Ask thr judge if it can be made where you can have a moment to talk to them or have them speak to a professional. It might open their eyes and/or reveal they may not truly want their mother, they’re just going with the flow or what the others are doing.
Don’t have placement switched to her though, only visits/sleepovers or whatever they would call it. So she could have time with them only periodically but not permanently. Don’t do anything drastic or huge.
I think you have enough on your plate with your rwo and another on the way. The father obviously can’t handle their disrespectful behaviour so why should you take on that job. I say let sleeping dogs lie. In the mother’s case the chickens will come home to roost they always do.
Let her try and take on the responsibility. She will soon bring them back.
I had a similar situation but with 1 child. Her mother abandoned her my partner worked crazy hours so it was all on me for everything. At first she was great them when she became a teen she got really nasty with me ans her father to the point she put her hands on me so I left. Long story short cps got involved when I left because she got pregnant and her father couldn’t handle her anymore. Now she regrets all of of it.
Some time a step back is a step forward . Sit back a bit n see what happens. It’s not time to push.
Don’t blame the kids, they’re not done developing mentally yet.
Phew. This is a heavy load to carry… Eventually she’ll screw up and will hit that fan… those kids will grow into adults and realize soo much. I hope you figure out the right thing to do.
No matter what happens in years to come when they are older they WILL look back and appreciate the REAL love that you gave them. Not the expensive gifts and everything else. It must be such a confusing time for them and I know how hard it must be but please stand by them all how you always have done so far they are going to need you when she feels she doesn’t want the responsibility again. I know it must be hard and right now they seem ungrateful but they will in the end look up to you a hell of a lot more than they look up to her. Unfortunately they WILL find out who she is again after all the excitement of the freedom and gifts has worn off and will be left feeling confused, angry and abandoned. Keep doing what your doing. They are lucky to have you. Give them the freedom to find out for themselves for be there to talk to them and give them advice when needed. Keep your rules as they are in your house they will appreciate those one day when they have babies of their own. Good luck. Xxx
She will wash her hands of them again when they’re in jail. Can you? You’re not fighting against them you’re fighting against her. They’re still kids. Do you love them? Don’t give up on them. When they’re older, they will thank you. They will Haye her for leading them down a broken road. Trust me, us kids, we always learn to appreciate our kids when we are older. No it isn’t fair, it isn’t right, and yes it hurts. But it does come to a conclusion.
Married or not, you’ve been taking care of those babies for 5 years now. But your house is a healthy house. You have rules, chores and expectations. Their biological mother does not. She lets them come and go as they wish and do what they want. Kids are lazy and have no idea the importance of rules and responsibilities. I know they’re old enough to choose where they wanna live, but if I were you and Dad, I would take it to court. Document everything… the alcohol, drug use, mom being out of the picture for so long… maintain custody and if she wants to be involved, request supervised visitation. The kids aren’t gonna be happy right now with rules and responsibilities, but in the long run, they will end up happy and healthy. Put them in therapy, if they refuse, have it court mandated. Under her care, they’re gonna end up pregnant/ arrested/dead. It may seem like a lot to take on, but the kids should be the number one priority.
I know this is hard after all you have done. For your sanity I would leave it to your partner to handle and make decisions.
Sometimes you just have to take a step back, for your own mental health, the little ones at home, even for your partner.
Give his kids time with their female “parent” let them know that you are still there for them, as you have always been. It may take some time but they will see her for what she really is. Its possible that 1 or 2 might like her thst way but the others will want their normal family back, they will know who had their best intersts at heart, who loved them, who was there for them etc. Its hard but the more you push for them to be with you guys right now, the more they will pull away because kids are just like that, plus while she is spending money on things you guys cant manage they will make the most of it. They wont wonder where the money comes from etc. (maybe she will have collection agents knocking at some point if she is spending money she doesnt actually have. In which case all these nice new things could be taken away to pay off the debt)
In the meantime support your partner and enjoy your little ones as you wait, call or message the others to see how they are and to let them know they are missed and loved, tell them they know where you are and they can call you if they need you x
She’s not a real mother and I’m sure deep down they know that. But she’s offering expensive gifts and no rules and a lifestyle kids and teens think they want. She’s doing them no favors but at some point they may need to learn that for themselves. I know its heartbreaking.
You have done all you can. Y’all can and should go to court. Don’t worry about the kid’s opinions right now. Of course they want no chores and no rules. But that’s not sensible. Their “mother” is doing all this to get them back, but it will backfire in court.
You support kids regardless. You don’t give up. And also, Don’t ever make them feel like they owe you because you stepped up to be a parent. That was your job when you entered your relationship with a single father.
Well first off, its amazing you took them in in the first place. And I know you feel like they are yours, but they arent. Let em go, focus on your two kiddos who are honestly probably looking for your attention. But also galavanting with the opposite sex in the mornings? Lol and most teens go through a smoking phase. You have to not blame the mother for every little thing you think the kids are doing wrong
I guarentee your kids are also doing these things.
Let him fight. Protect your energy but support him in HIS fight.
If they old enough too make the decision one time too stay with dad . Then their old enough too make it again and stay with her . But she will hurt them again .just be their for them
At this point I would say you did the best you could within your respectful limits. At some point those kids mom needs to take responsibility and THANK YOU for being woman enough to step up when she sat down. Those kids will get it when they’re older, but just know, items break faster than bonds and kids remember exactly how you made them feel. It just hits later than when you’re an adult. Sorry it’s rough for you, but let their mom have them. You did the best for them when no one else could or was willing. Your conscience is clean. The bio moms… she’s petty and will reap what she sows.
May GOD Bless you and family and help you get thru this
The kids will have to figure out for themselves what kind of person their bio-mom is. It’ll happen sooner or later. Just keep an open line with them and let them know that you guys still love them and only want what’s best for them.
Sounds like a bunch of high school drama. Does nobody know how to be adults now and deal with their problems!? Or do they just go online to get some sort of sympathy 🤷
As a step mom on a similar situation with bio mom (baby girl is 7 years old though) this is one of my worries for the future. Baby girl loves her bio mom so much, but bio mom makes constant bad decisions. I worry when baby girl gets older, she’ll follow bio moms footsteps because bio mom will allow her.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can only imagine how hard it must be to see your babies fall apart under someone else’s care and feeling helpless and disrespected. Hang in there momma. Just a reminder your mental/emotional health is important to keep on going for them too. You’ll be in my prayers.
Let them do what they want. They will have their fun, get in trouble, or NEED you or dad and they will realize! Teenagers do not have the right state of mind when it comes to these things. They just want to party and do what they want.
Let it go… don’t you worry they will be back before you know it!!
Honestly this might sound harsh but I’d say stop worrying about his kids support him in what he decides to do but make it clear your staying out of it this time around! Just relax and enjoy your bio kids as they grow up so fast and probably would enjoy the extra attention they could potentially have now . I say this because you clearly have already went above and beyond for his other kids and they decided they wanted no boundaries and to be able to run wild over a structured stable family life. So I think it’s time you solely put your time and energy into raising your bio children and making wonderful memories with them.
if the kids are old enough to decide where they want to stay, just leave it and let them be. just remember to be there for them when they come back
Sit back. Relax. Don’t fight. Let this one play out. Don’t talk about it unless he wants to. Let the pieces stay on the floor.
The fighting will break you.
Just sit back and stop trying to control everything and be so damn perfect. You don’t have to be.
Enjoy the kids at home.
Let the others go…
And they will be back.
So stop it. Just stop.
Let it be. It will work out.
I have a 16yr old bio daughter my husband his step and your story. I literally felt like I was reading what I wrote. We are going through the same thing with my teen daughter. It’s hard but I am at the point of she’s old enough to know and sometimes we just need to back away.
You can still love and support the kids without them living with you. When they call answer when they want to visit with you do it. But in the end the kids choose what they wanted. Unfortunately sometimes tough love is the best love.
Step back out of this mess! No way you are going to get anything but hurt!
Jesus Christ she really messed those kids up, and they can just forget all the good you’ve done for them for five years. They’re teens now I’m assuming. And they’re probably in that vulnerable stage where objects matter more than love. But I agree with most everyone else. You did what you could. You supported them, fought for them, And took care of them when she left them for dead. And if they can’t see that. Then it’s time for their dad to fight for them. If he chooses not to, or “can’t” cause of work then you don’t need to exert your energy into that. You already did and they lost that respect from you.
If she beat them & dumped them at a park why did get to keep 2 of them? No jail time, CPS supervision etc? They ran away & came back with cops to collect their things? How so if your husband has custody? Something is missing or not right here. In any case this is your husband’s circus. Not yours. He was in the wrong to leave you to take over his responsibility. He used you like so many men do. Now you’re emotionally invested. The children are not. Even if she’s horrible she’s still mom. They will love her above you. Sorry but those are facts. You were nothing but dad’s unpaid nanny & stand in for their mother while both parents neglected their responsibilities. I’m sorry reality is harsh. My advise to you is to wash your hands of the situation. If your husband wants to fight it in court then that’s his right. BUT don’t enable him this time. Let him know that you will not be his nanny service. If he wants them he HAS to be around all the time & raise his kids. Very few men would allow a woman to leave for weeks leaving them 100% responsible for their children. Why do we as women accept it?
Focus on the kids u have xx unfortunately the bio mum sounds toxic but she will always be their mum. They have to see for themselves how she is. Let it go and be there if they come back
Just be there for them even if it’s from a distance. If u love them u can write them and check on them. Show u care one day they will realize it. If they need somewhere to go or somebody to talk be there. If u want to be done that is okay too. You need to focus on urself and other children. Just remember this isn’t their fault. Hugs.
From experience, I’m gonna say let the kids come to you. Don’t fight in court. They want mom right now because there are no rules. They will realize who has been there. It just takes time. Hugs sweetie. I know how hard this is
Focus on ur own children… let the step ones learn from their mistakes… don’t fight for them… leave them figure out which mom was doing good by them…
It’s always worth it. Think of the trauma they have been through.
Of course they are. They are teenagers. Total freedom vs restrictions? They are going to choose total freedom. Let them stay with Mom. It is fun at first, but in months they will be back.
jesus fuck. i feel so bad for so many children of some of these people on here. You’re gd children arent conditional and pray some of you dont have step or adopted children because obviously they are just things to be set aside when things get to hard, because you have the disturbed mentality of “they arent really mine.” just fucking say it already.
Sadly your fighting a loosing battle sorry
This may sound cruel but them them go. They don’t know how good they had it with you. Let the mother handle it. It must feel like a slap in the face to you but you did your best
Toughest role in life
Teens are hard anyways. One day they will realize who was there and who wasn’t. No matter what that’s their mom so they of course probably just want their mom to want them. The cool mom isn’t keeping them safe or out of trouble. They will eventually piss mom off. The kids will not make it easy on her. I think letting dad do what he thinks is right and support him is all u have to do
You have taught them how a MOM should treat her children. Let them go and they will see that and miss you before you know it. It’s in God’s hands now. Have Faith in him that they are smart enough to see that. They will be back. Step back and let God take care of them. I’ve been there as well. It’s not easy. It’s the hardest part of being a parent. Letting go. Raise your 2 and let the others know you still love them and will always have. Home with you. God bless.
Nope stop fighting and hold your ground and boundaries. They will eventually come around
Let them go, don’t fight it. I think their mother is still the same person that she was before but trying to win them with gifts. When they realise it is not all rosy as they thought it would be, they will come back asking for forgiveness.
Sometimes you have to let the kids find out the grass isn’t greener on the other side however just remind them you love them and the door is always open for them.
Toxic motherwho never let the children go and it should have never been allowed. It doesn’t sound like he has full custody and that’s a shame. Call that therapy and they whine about cleaning up the rooms that is pretty sad. Apparently all that therapy and individual therapy did not get through to them so I would not fight for them again. Don’t get the best you could but you have some parts missing in all the story. It’s sad that in the end the only thing these kids have lost because of their toxic mother . Good luck
You aren’t married…run-And this is loooong as hell
Sadly your facing an up hill battle as the magistrate has deemed capable of making their own choice
These days kids have more rights then their parents or guardians
All you can really do is to keep the lines of communication open
How was ‘Mom’ allowed back in the first place!!
Stay strong and stead, keep the doors open and the rules in place . Make sure you love and parent the way you have done in the past .
We can always love and feed them . Be true to who you are and let them know that you are doing this out of love
Well…you haven’t said how old these kids are…if there real Mother wants them back …let them go…take care of your own children and let your husband fight it out with the ex wife…be done and over it …
You might not see the fruits of your labor now but you did your best and maybe one day they’ll get how much you did for them. But right now it’s about their mom. Even though it hurts to be rejected, it’s between their own mom and dad. You have your children to focus on and frankly yourself as well. Step back. Let dad deal with the mom. Be there for your kids and let your step kids know that you’re there for them. But some things are beyond your control.