I feel like my son will start to resent me

My son is 8.5 years. his dad was my husband and left me when i was two months pregnant for my coworker. His dad was not involved for about 6 years then started to visit regularly (we live 6 hours away). Then last year, my ex husband filed for parenting time. My son had a difficult time going away with his dad. My son is sensitive and we have a pretty close bond. I helped my son and tried to support him. The visits are getting easier for my son which i am grateful for. we are still in a custody battle. the main point of contention is my ex is trying to block my enrolling my son in extracurricular that will interfere with his time as obviously he wont be driving from far away to take him to his events. I dont want extracurricular to be non-existent to my son. He will easily fall into being anti social and rely on video games. i guess i am just expressing concern how to deal with my son enjoying his time with his dad now and i am the one forcing him to go to school and brush his teeth and go to practices and doctors appointments etc. i fear he will resent me and choose his dad eventually.
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If you guys are close I wouldn’t worry about it too much. If he’s old enough I would have a conversation with him telling you’re grateful that it’s getting easier with his dad, you’re happy that he’s happy. I would ask him what he wants to do… if he even wants to do extracurricular things. If he doesn’t want too, that might cause some resentment. If he does do extracurricular activities, maybe you can set up a more set schedule for his dad.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like my son will start to resent me

My dad tried this just tell the courts you want full custody he wasn’t there for 6 years that right there is abandonment of a child

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I’m worried for the same thing. The other is called the “Disneyland” parent, and how do I compete with that? Definitely following!

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I’m having the same issue, following

I would simply point out to the judge that your son shouldn’t miss out on things because his dad finally decided he wanted to be involved. That your son should have every opportunity available to him and dad should suck it up and realize he messed up by missing out and this is 1 of the consequences. You don’t get to pick and choose when you parent your kid and you don’t get to hold your kid back for selfish reasons.

You continue to be the strong parent that you are. You are that childs mother. Children know who’s really for them.

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Temporary court order…ask for a guardian ad litem to weigh in. Extra curricular activities are important. He’s too far away for joint placement. You will win

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Following, Having very similar issues with my 8yo daughters father

Sports are important for kids especially boys. There is heaps of evidence to support this. Take him to court for child abandonment.

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Enroll him, and just tell whoever you sign up for the activities they you share custody and he may miss those weekends. Honestly most people know how it is now and I don’t see a court blocking it so the child can’t join. And there are plenty I’m sure won’t interfere. My boys do MMA 5 days a week in afternoons. I’m sure he will appreciate being in something social and making friends and won’t resent you for it. I imagine he would resent dad If dad kept him away. Most kids end up falling in love with their activities and friends.

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I would get an attorney and come let them fight it out honestly. It’s expensive but worth it

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He has already abandoned your child once… file for sole custody. I got sole custody with visits as agreed upon with my ex because he abandoned us before our son was even born. Then came back threatening to take him like he was some kind of hero. Judge said no way. I was granted sole custody and my ex can only see him when I agree to it. He hasnt even tried though and it has been YEARS!

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A judge will tell him to suck it up as children need the extra, do what you must for your son. Nothing revolves around the dad! Like you said he just started coming around. :roll_eyes:

I would file for a custody agreement for him to have him during school breaks.

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You don’t get to disappear for 6 years and then come in and try to start calling shots. Stand your ground.

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ask the courts to speak to your son and let him say what he wants. he may be 8 but it is his life.

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Having the same issue with my children’s father. I have a 13 yr old and 2 n a half yr old with this man and he is trying to not enforce extracurricular activities as well. He thinks because he is in Tennessee and I’m in Florida that he can do what he wants. Well I have custody right now and we are in a custody fight for our children. When he left for 8 yrs of our 13 yr olds life and then left when our 2 n half yr old was 6 months old. Please tell me how that’s ok

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It’s tough for the parents that actually have to parent. I call it “fantasy land”, because my son will go to his dads and stay up all night playing video games, eat pizza in bed, doesn’t shower etc, then he comes home and its not like that. I stay true with our normal routine, and let him have his glory. Our kids need a balance of structure when it’s like that, hang tight mama, you got this. He won’t hate you, I promise. Kids know who their home team is.

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Is he the one that wants the extracurricular? Or are you ?

If it’s him; I’d tell dad to get over it. If you’re the one who wants it, you need to figure out something else

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You need to dig in your heels on making sure you keep the full physical custody. You need to ensure you hold the decision making on ALL matters. This piece will serve your child better in all matters. His dad hasn’t been a parent by his choice.

Place your child in those extra-curricular activities NOW and build those interests.
Yes, he will miss every other weekend of those activities, but your child will know that you are doing everything you possibly can as a parent to give him the opportunity for those activities. As a child of a similar situation, I knew why I was missing the activities that I loved (except we were only 20 mins away and he still refused to take me). When I was 13 I put a stop to the every other weekend visits (for several reasons) and he didn’t fight it. In your case, he may but at that point a judge will listen to the child’s desires.

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Could his dad not enroll him in an extracurricular near him so he still has them and it doesn’t interfere with dads time?

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Maybe let his dad put him in extracurricular active and be responsible for getting him to practice and Games

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If it’s a possibility do something outside of the school like taekwondo, my daughter loves it and it teaches many great things :slightly_smiling_face: she’s allowed to go anywhere from 1 to 3 times a week. They have tournaments once every few months and those are optional.
So maybe if you join him up for a local place he can still have activities with out it being 5 days a week plus weekend events.

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With him being 6 hours away, how often does he have your son? If it’s a small amount or short amount of time, sign him up and let the coaches know that he is going to miss days xyz.
If he sees him for school breaks most schools at least in our area don’t do sports over holiday until they get to high school. If it’s summer sports, depending on time with the man, it shouldn’t interfere, most coaches are pretty understanding about that.

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Don’t worry too much. I think all kids go through phases where they think they want to live w the parent they dont. But that doesn’t change the love they have for their momma. You are loving him and taking care of him,he knows.they know where they feel safe.just enjoy that little boy.it goes by sooo fast!

I can tell you from experience that he will resent his father more then you. Cause he will know that he wants to join something and dad won’t take him or show up. My kids were involved in things and their father was like that. Would not take them, demanded they leave early, told me that I wasn’t allowed to enroll them unless he approved. This year he lost all custody of his kids from the judge. My oldest just completed her first year of soccer and the smiles on her face made it so worth it. She has joined other things now that she knows she can attend and mom will take her and be her biggest supporter.

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He would only be going to his dads every other weekend or every weekend since you live too far for week in week off, I’d plan his sports around during the week, I had the same issue with my daughters dad, he lives 3 hours away and will not drive here in his weekends for her sports so I looked for the same sport but that was during the week so she was able to have her sports and still see dad.

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You keep on loving him, doing everything you’re supposed to do as his momma. Just keep the lines of communication open, have positive sit down talks with him. Tell him every chance you get that you love him. That’s all you can do. The teen years will be so very difficult, but in the end he will be your best friend.

Give him more credit…I have always seen where as children grow they catch on to who cares and has been there!!!

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If ur in a custody battle then u should know the judge orders both parents to take them to extracurricular activities and split the cost. U also can not in roll him for the days only dad has him. Being a single mom of 2 boys my ex never once took him to a dr apt, test, surgery or anything . But he sure did show up to games I put him in. Took him if needed.

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  1. Stop staying that. “He’ll choose his dad” So what? That’s still has dad. He needs him too. If he decides to live with dad, it’s not about you. You need a life outside of being Mom bc if you don’t, you’ll end up breaking when he leaves.
    That said, compromise. Judges like that. Find a new activity or sit down with a calendar & work out new visits. I had my son’s summer with split visits bc of Boy Scouts. Camp was July 4th week & it was required for badges. We found a work around.
    Keep in mind, he may set this up & stop in a year or 2.
    Meet with your lawyer & discuss what the estate generally requires for parenting plans. Also, look into counseling for your son.
    Most states, when the child is 12, they decide if they go. So, you have to make it work until then.
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Let your son be involved in the decision making process.

After 4 months of not communicating with you or your son that is considered abandonment. He should have lost all rights to your child. He doesn’t get to come back and start calling shots. I’d talk to an attorney. Stand your ground

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Since he lives to far, Iam assuming he will only get like every other weekend, most coaches and places will work with parents on this and understand the child will be there one weekend and off one weekend. It will become a routine.

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Shame on his dad for trying to take experiences away from him because he decided to pop back up.

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He hasn’t had anything to do with your son for 6 years & got visitation? My ex was out of my kids lives for 4 years. He was given supervised phone visitation, an half hour a week to form a connection. I’m surprised a judge forced your son to go 6 hrs away from his home to visit with a stranger. You need to get a good lawyer. A counselor to help him process all this might be helpful too. As for custody I don’t believe he’ll get joint custody. You live too far from each other. It’s not feasible to make him go back & fourth weekly. That’ll mess up his school, other relationships, sense of security etc. BUT I wouldn’t think a judge would force him to visit with his father he didn’t know so far away either. A lawyer is going to best way to protect your son.

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Why not talk to the coach or the leader of the extra activity and ask them how to handle when your child will be absent? I know you may not want to have to discuss your personal situation but if the coach knows this part of your son’s life the coach will better be able to help you. You surely are not the first single parent for the coach, so he will be understanding. Once your son is older and on a team he will be obligated to show up for practices and events but by then hopefully you and your ex will have worked things out and your son will be in a better position to express his desires. No matter what, you and your ex will have to put your disagreements aside and give your son the chance to have a peaceful and happy life. It won’t always be easy. May God bless you and your son. :heart::pray::heart:

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Extra curricular activities are important for children. He ignored him for 6 years. No judge will like that. My BIL tried that and the judge said if he can’t get him there to his activities then he didn’t have to go

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I would have fought to not to allow visitation! You can’t NOT see a child for 6 yrs then just come back! It’s called abandonment!!! My EX will NEVER have vistitation because there’s been NO contact in almost 2 yrs!

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You have the right to enroll your child in ANYTHING you want! If he wants to play sports then let him. Usually when the distance is that far is only 1 weekend a month and split holidays and a month during the summer. So he should be able to play sports or do what he wants

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I don’t think he will resent you. In the end if he wants to participate in extracurricular activities then he will resent his dad for keeping him from them.

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Your son will be a child ONCE …
Let him chose which activities HE wants to be in … and as tempted as you may be, do not without him from his Dad any more than necessary -
Dad chose to move … don’t let him guilt you in to the lack of time he has with his son.
Go for Joint Custody and let Dad figure it out …

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You can’t enroll him taking time away from the father. That is BS and you know it. There are other activities and other times. That’s his dad and he has just as much right to him as you do. So what you 2 had a bad past. That has nothing to do with your son’s future. It’s about the child, not about you. Stop being selfish, work with the other parent, and think about your son’s needs and not your wants.

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So he has a mom that is doing the right thing in teaching normal every day traits and you have a “holiday” dad. The things you are “forcing” him to do are normal and I’m sure he has to have appropriate hygiene with his dad too. If the choice between seeing his dad and doing a activity comes up let him make that choice. You can’t force him to like something. If his Dad is now good to him and taking proper care of him when he is with him that is what matters. You can’t hold on to the past it’s gone. If your son does decide to live with his dad eventually and he is a good dad what’s the problem. The kid deserves to have a dad and it would be wrong of you not to let him. If you co-parent this child without animosity from the past everyone will be happy. Don’t be selfish and only think of yourself because that really will backfire on you. Kids need and want both parents if at all possible and neither has the right to deny them that as long as it is safe, appropriate and nurturing for them. :woman_shrugging:t3:

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One parent is looking at the future the other is only looking at the here and now , what’s more important? I’d say that’s a tough one tho

Coming from the parents that live 3 hours away, we are very supportive of sports etc. We informed the coaches during our parenting time our child may not always be there due to the distance and only spending a couple days with our child. The coaches completely understand where we are coming from. We never missed any games.

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One day he will realize who was really there to take care of him

My son hated me brushing his teeth
I always say he will forgive me one day when he has beautiful teeth

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If the kid wants to do the activities then he needs to go and support him or accept the loss during the seasons. Its not mom vs dad its all about the kid and if you cant do that then adios !

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Watch it man don’t get all these woman started You got a
Guilty Conscience

My husbands ex was told that any appt or activities scheduled on his time, mom was responsible for ALL transportation to and from. If it’s something your son wants to do, then the 3 of you need to discuss it. If it’s only something YOU want him to do, you need to let it go.

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Have his dad put him in something close to his house

I heard these kind of Dads called “Disney Dads”

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If you SON wants to do extracurricular activities you should continue pushing for them but if YOU want him to than it should only be during YOUR time or better yet don’t force you child to do them at all

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If these are activities your Son wants to do he is old enough to voice that to his Dad in a conversation between the 3 of you. Is there not something close to his Dad he could do if it is on his time? I wouldn’t expect my Daughter to have a total of 12 hours travel time for an activity myself, never mind her Dad. That is a lot. I really do sympathise with the ‘parenting’ aspect. My Daughter comes back from her Dad’s with unbrushed hair, needing her teeth cleaned and needing a bath. I do appointments too as he always has an excuse, and homework. He never does that side and it seems to have made me and my Husband the ‘boring’ household but they are things that need to be done as a parent. Good Luck with everything xx

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If your son hates you is because you are doing your job. Stop feeling sorry for raising your child. He is your son, not your friend. Children going to resend their parents one way or the other but don’t feel guilty. I have three daughters and I remembered them days when they told me that they hated me and now they missed me because they all grown and living their “adult” life now and they regretted. So do your job mom and take care of yourself first. Do your best you can because he will leave the nest someday.

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If you’re doing everything you can for your child with his needs and wants at the forefront he shouldn’t come to resent you. I have always listened to my youngest son’s needs and wants and that’s what I support him in. He doesn’t always want to go with my ex and he will tell my ex he doesn’t want to go. I let him know whatever ge decides I will support. If the relationship and bond is there between the kid and the NCP it won’t take work for them to want to be with them. But in my youngest son case it’s not there and I spent 5yrs trying to make it happen just to be told I will never be able to make it happen I can only support him through his choices needs and wants. Like right now my son doesn’t want to have Skype calls with my ex when he misses a visitation for whatever reason I make him available at the scheduled time but then never force it. My ex gets mad because my son Willingly calls me and comes home with ZERO fight and he has called me and then told me he wants to come instead of being there. I encourage my son to stand up for his wants and needs as this is his life and time not mine nor my exs. I have not regret and also have zero fear that my son will resent me. I will always support his wants and needs as he sees fit even if that means going to live with my ex if that where to happen. I’ll deliver him myself.

Don’t make plan during Dad’s time. That’s pretty easy to do. Make plan when it is your time not his.