Girl, RED FUCKING FLAGS. C’mon. If you are serious about them being touchy feely (woody allen anyone?) and hes ok with that, then that’s a red flag. If they are belittling you and he doesnt correct their behavior, he doesnt respect you…red flag. Have more respect for yourslef
I think they are doing it because they know it upsets you, ignore it and if you wait Long enough they will quit. Of course they want their parents together…that’s normal. The touchy feely thing…he needs to stop them Not you
They probably also know your feelings about how he isn’t their dad and hate you and I don’t blame them one bit! New girl friend needs to leavs
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I’ve been there also with 2 teen girls. It was rough. I know exactly what you’re talking about. It is not easy to deal with at all. We ended up divorcing later on. Yours may be different, I don’t know. Good luck is all I can say.
Do not get into their circle. Do not try to have a relationships with them if they have no desire. If they are older teenagers that will be out of the house in a few years anyway. Distance yourself from his kids and love on your husband. Not your children, not your problem.
I have been a stepmom for 3 years no. Its no joke, just ride through it. Children are temporary, husbands are forever.
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Don’t try. That will come naturally as time goes on and they accept it. Just be there if they ask or need anything from you. Kill them with kindness 
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If you have to do all this explaining to him how bothered you are he clearly doesn’t see anything wrong. That’s enough to let him go on don’t even involve yourself with the drama that’s already there. For one they aren’t his biological kids and they are damn near grown . If I were you I would give him a choice to straighten it out and explain how you want things to be and if he disagree go on with your life. Idc if they were 6& 8 I’m not about to be dealing with drama from kids that are damn near grown know right from wrong and don’t care to recognize who I am . Don’t deal with that mess from a ex family . He have to cut ties or they know their place.
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They’re teenagers and have a teenage mentality, they’re also going through a lot with all these changes. Continue to show their dad love and let them see your healthy relationship with their dad. Try to find common ground with them, show them that you’re here to support them, but at the same time have boundaries if they ever go too far with things.
Have some self-care times and allow yourself to re-energize from all this. Hang in there
Things takes time, especially with teenagers. Make sure your partner supports you and plays his part in making things clear with his kids and explaining things to his kids. Makes sure he continues to show love for his kids, together with you. They probably just need a lot of love right now.
They’re just teenagers right now with a teenage mentality. Your man should talk to them and let them know that they should respect you! All kids want their parents together but unfortunately things happen and the family is torn apart. As they mature into young adults they will hopefully be accepting of you. It’s a hard place to be but if you love your man, work through it.
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It stops. Don’t take anyone’s crap. Make your voice heard. I am step mother for 14 years now. I went through complete hell and I love him enough to do it all over again. I will never get the recognition I deserve and there’s losses but theirs also so many wins…choose your battles. Dont spend too much time dwelling on the immaturity they feed off of it. Just keep going. Ignore.
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Unless the situation is corrected and he puts boundaries down for these girls who are grown and almost grown then it will never change. He has to be the one to change it. Discuss it with him and see what his next move will be. Regardless of how much you love him it will be worse once you guys are married. The issue should definitely be fixed before you walk down the aisle.
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Just remember they are kids. It will take time. They are more than likely still angry that their parents separated.
They won’t stop unless he puts his foot down. If he won’t do that, do not marry him.
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My ex’s new girlfriend says the same about my girls. Girlfriend did not live thru the hell he caused the family and believes all his lies. Always 2 sides of a story and I am guessing honey dearest isn’t telling full truth.
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Just do not let them. Let them know you are not going any where. That you love their Dad, and want a relationship with them. You want to be a friend, not their Mom, yet an authorative figure, being your age and with their Dad.
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I’ve been in the same situation as you for 19 years. I’ve tried all these years to be in their lives, show them I loved them, and this year both of his kids told my oldest daughter that they don’t even consider me family. WTF! With the way I’ve been with them and I’ve been married to their father for over 19 years. They’ve stayed with us for weeks, I’ve always been the one to bring peace in this blended family, we’ve been to vacations, get togethers, I even treated his grandkids like my own for them to reject me and mistreat me this way. I’m done with them!!! 19 years of trying is way too much and to be rejected and talked about behind my back with OUR daughter (their stepsister) hurt me so much I even cried. They are 25 and 23. So, I made the decision to not ever again want them in my life! I have been hurt by their rejection all this time but to actually hear it from their mouth and told to my daughter was the last straw. I can’t make anyone like me. All I’ve been is loving to them! That’s their choice!
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You shouldn’t be doing anything. Either he nips it in a bud or you have your answer on if you should marry him or not. Remind him that you are not dealing with this for the rest of your life.
He needs to put them in their proper place. He needs to see this bothers you and he needs to make a serious decision about his future. Best of luck
Talk to your husband again. Y’all need to agree on rules/consequences for/of their behavior.
I have been a step mom 7 years now. It was hard as SHIT at first because of same thing. I almost gave up… But it DOES get better. They’re going thru shit too… It won’t always be like this, be the adult and stay strong and don’t waiver!!! Now… My step kids love me and dont even remember what it was like before me! They listen, respect, make presents and birthday/holiday cards…they’re younger but its all the same. Kids think like kids. Its hard on your husband too trust me. It will work out in the end if you make them feel like your not leaving and care about them even when they are being unreasonable and crazy! Dont give up!
There 16 and 18 tell them to grow up there not kids there teenagers
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I wouldn’t marry him.
I could not deal with that& you don’t have to.
It’s not going to stop. It’s overall just hard with step kids and then that situation even worse.
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Meh I’d just forget it. Shower their dad with love and make them see your not going anywhere. They are just being petty children and might one day grow up…
Were you dating him before the divorce?
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Oh forget that manipulative little girls if he can’t see it bothers you or puts his foot down then it isn’t gunna change I would be very suspicious leave you deserve better xxx
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum! I feel like my soon to be husbands step kids are trying to tear us apart: Advice? - Mamas Uncut
Run, becuse they will not ever stop.
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Try sit n dwn w/them to c what their issue is
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum! I feel like my soon to be husbands step kids are trying to tear us apart: Advice? - Mamas Uncut
Don’t marry him, you will constantly struggle with them due to their manipulative behavior! Run far, run fast, your mental health matters more!
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Keep in mind…they are fighting to hang onto their father figure, however it may be in an inappropriate manner…talk to your fiance and let him know how you feel…but he considers his step children as his own…and let him address this with the girls, do this as a couple…and most of all dont over react…when they realize the marriage is happening…they will either blend into family or move on…
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Its his place to say something to the girls and his ex, especially about the inappropriate behavior. I know you love him but love also is sometimes letting go too. I hope you love yourself enough to walk away if this is really happening. Evidently he loves his attention from these girls more than you if he allows this. Its like they’re making fun of you, or they have an unhealthy relationship. Good luck to you. I hope you do the right thing. It may hurt now but you will be so happy and relieved in the end.
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No matter how much you love this dude, his inability to make his stepdaughters treat you with respect does not bode well for you having a happy marriage with him. Time to lay down the law or walk, otherwise get used to years of allowing yourself to be walked on.
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Were you one of the reasons he and his ex- wife divorced? Where is their bio-Dad? Try to grit your teeth and realize the girls are facing a major upheaval in their lives. If there is competition unfortunately I think you will lose. They are just about past the stage where you can be a step parent, so work on friendship. I wish you all the best.
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I wouldn’t want to get in the middle of parent/children relationships, if they don’t accept you now, they probably never will, no matter how much you love each other if the relationship is not supported by your people it will always be difficult.
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Honestly this is really weird to me. It makes me wonder if he was ever inappropriate or abused these girls growing up. It’s not normal for young women to behave like that towards a man if they truly viewed him as a father figure. I wonder how old this new wife is. How old hix ex wife was when they got together and when they separated. How old were the girls when they got together as well?
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Look talk to him about how you feel and what you expect from him and if he doesn’t care, if he doesn’t do it then he never will do it would be in your best interest not to marry him.
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Maybe God is throwing up a stumbling block. Don’t go over it. I see red flags. These are not his biological children. If you are seeing a touchy-feely situation don’t deny your gut feeling. Until you are at total peace walk away. These kids aren’t going away. They may go off to school or stay with their mother but they will be back. If your fiancé is not standing up for you this is a losing battle. Red flags all over this.
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My husband is a step father to my children Nd he’s never been touchy Feely with mine. Suspect behavior if you ask me.
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They would soon be on their way the university, so except on holidays,no much contact. But if they are not his children, shouldn’t they be on an on/ off visit. Why is the real mum pushing them to him.
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Speak to him about how this behavior is effecting you. If he doesn’t stand up for you then i hope you chose yourself and leave.
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It took about 2 and a half years for my Boyfriends daughter to even start being nice to me. She is 9 and it was just very difficult it caused a lot of tension. She would legit get jealous if he touched me and like we have never been super affectionate people.
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You can’t do anything about it. It’s your husband’s place to set boundaries with his daughters. If he doesn’t, things will never change.
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Build a working relationship with his ex around the children if possible. Talk with your future husband about your concerns and observations. Decide whether this is a relationship you really want to be in - he is a package deal and the relationship will never be about just the two of you.
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Sadly I spent seven years in a relationship where his daughter who was 18 thought I was interfering in their lives. Even though she hated her own mother, she had always being daddy’s girl who did everything. Even in my own home I brought with him and it lasted 18minths, she would come in and rearrange things, start cooking and totally disregard my presence there.
It never improved. His son was about 10 and omg he caused so much trouble with my two that came up fortnightly, lied n caused havoc with us. In the end I had wasted my time and left
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These girls will never let you have any peace. Tell him good by because he loves them too and doesn’t realize what they are doing or wants to see it. Don’t marry him with this situation. Either split or continue the relationship but don’t marry him.
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He needs to put a stop to that.the girls are to old for that…you don’t really know if they’ll accuse him of something
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I can relate to this so much. Except the touchy feely stuff. The girls became so disgusting disrespectful he asked them to move out after 5 years of garbage. He still has two young kids and the youngest girl is just as bad as her older sisters. Lately I have been asking myself if I can do another ten years with it all. All we fight about is kid’s. I can tell you it don’t get easier just harder
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Have you tried talking to them? They are old enough imo - just lay it all on the table - i want to have a good relationship with you and i love your father immensely, what can i do to make you both feel more comfortable?
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Ok so 11 years those kids were 5 and 7. They were children. To them that is their dad. Would you feel this way if they were biologically his? I disagree with him needing to pick sides. Those are his children. Be the bigger person they are almost grown. They are part of him so if you love him then you love them… and their faults and issues.
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I blame the situation on him. He needs to fix it. I couldn’t be with a man who acted inappropriate with younger girls. I see that as a HUGE red flag you shouldn’t ignore. I see the entire situation as a red flag to not marry this guy.
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I think their behavior is probably normal. Why do they need another woman in their livres life while their mommy is so perfect!
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Tell the girls to grow up!! they are old enough to know exactly what they are doing, they are daughters not kids. If the mother is openly against the new women the girls will probably never change and if the father isn’t standing up for his soon to be wife…he has clearly already made a decision. (And it’s not for the new wife!)
I can relate but in the opposite sense-I was about 6 when my father remarried, my parents had been divorced for maybe a year ……she had 2 kids we are all close in age- my new stepmom and I had a strained relationship from the start- my father would force us to “work it out” for about 8 more years before I called it quits and ended my court order visitation with them, my own mother would tell me I should have a relationship with my dad and his new family, thinking that she was doing the right thing….but my stepmom was a bully, always telling me how I was trying to take my father away, or destroy her new family. She would do things like cut my waist long hair off to above my shoulders before telling any of my actual parents(I was 8 ) a year later she handed me a 3 blade razor and told me to shave my legs, if her kids and I fought about something I was always the one in the wrong, she would be uncomfortably open with her affections towards my father when I was around-making sure I didn’t sit on the same couch or hold his hand ….things only got worse the older I became and the more aware I was of her manipulative abuse.
my father ALWAYS took her side, no matter what-He never had say that he picked them over me, he showed it in his actions.
I never wanted to tear them apart, I was never jealous of my stepmom but I got tired of trying to fit in somewhere I clearly wasn’t wanted.
It’s been over 15 years, I’ve seen him once and spoken to him twice
(none of which ended well)
Run women Run! He has already chosen a side!
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let me get this right…
the girls (who are not biologically his) are getting TOUCHY-FEELY with him… AND HES DEFENDING IT.
am i reading this right?? or am i trippin?? what in the actual fuck is wrong with everyone involved? including their bio mom??? something is not sitting right with me in this case at all…
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Pray about it … he should be standing up for you … defending you … and if need be ….walk away… you are the adult … the teenagers should not be talking to you like that or behaving like that …
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You are seeing things from one side. You truly do not know what went on in his past, his past marriage or why these children are behaving like this.
It’s a huge red flag towards his behavior that he doesn’t mind pedophilia. He is down playing the actions of children he shaped for their formative years.
These are the issues you need to be looking at.
Abusers are charming, smooth, too good to be true, they often play the downtrodden victim.
Run!
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I’d think if you made it clear that you’re not trying to be their mother, maybe they’d feel less threatened? Your husband will always be their dad, but he IS your husband.
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When you see something you better believe it…I would have to make some changes to get away from that and get some counseling
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As a parent my kids come before anyone, so there’s that.
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Jo Rosa behave yourself. So their stepdad should be single for the rest of his life? That behaviour is not normal. It screams jealousy
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Nothing wrong with continuing a relationship with their father or stepfather touching inappropriately is the problem. That’s a no no regardless at what age. He needs to also step up and not allow them to belittle you. There’s not enough love if I was in this situation… I’d be packing my bags and saying bye bye… they are out to destroy your relationship and their stepfather doesn’t seem to care. Best of luck to you… you need to move forward!!!
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He needs to put his foot down and speak to those kids. There grown and they know better.
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Your spouse needs to put his foot down with his daughters & demand respect for you & him. Children will eventually grow up & see the bigger picture.
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Don’t do it. If u can live apart do it and see each other. But you can’t have a relationship with them around. They will tear your life apart and he will always side with them. Been there done that. Once I left, I felt no guilt, I loved him and wanted to make a family, but all the fighting was not worth my own sanity.
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Get counseling, now. Yes, YOU. “Both female”?? How disrespectful! You have not even connected to his daughters as PEOPLE. Two young women…or even, one in high school and one in college…or whatever. Something that shows you know anything about them. Next. YOU are the adult. Act like it. So many more problems evident here.
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This is Completely and Totally Up To Your Soon To Be Husband. I Would Not Marry Him If and Until He Puts a Stop To Their Behavior…
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Have you had a conversation about this with him?
If you haven’t, please do, if he doesn’t see what you see. It’s a good time to say goodbye.
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I know exactly how you feel. My ex’s youngest daughter didn’t like me and she made sure to let him know it. I tried talking to him but he did nothing about it. This went on for 8 years an then he divorced me. (cheated on me too). Just watch your back and prepare for the worse. Blood is thicker than water or a wedding vow.
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The relationship your man is having with his young adults is not same relationship you have with them - You have to earn your place within theirs lives in their eyes! Just concentrate on YOUR relationship with your man and if you cannot accept his judgement when it calls for ‘His young adults’ come FIRST before you ( As his Adult children will Always put Daddy before You) If you cannot let / see this Beforehand and now - DO NOT marry into this family. Boundaries need to be in place for ANY relationship / peace / harmony.
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It will constantly be a problem. I’d think twice about marrying him. If hes not willing to put you first now then he wont in the future. I dont care what their age. Kids should not be dictating the situation no matter what it is. That is petit. If it’s a problem now it will certainly remain so in the future
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The majority of people responding to your post are seeing the real picture. Do not marry this man. Sounds like you will never come first. I know it’s hard to separate your heart from love but later on you will wish you had listened to your head. Run as far as you can from this and love yourself enough to know you deserve a loving relationship where you are respected. This whole situation is flying huge red flags.
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I am with my current husband which whom he was a widower. He has two step children, 38 and 39 yrs old. He was married with his first wife for 29 years before she passed away. I had the same problem and he had reservation to get married after three years of dating me because of being afraid to hurt specially the step daughter (38) years old. He stated that he wants to marry me so We had a a talk. I asked him to talk to his step daughter and take care of the problem now. I was 56 years old at that time and I am not going to wait for permission from his daughter which is a grown woman. If your man really wants to marry you and have you in his life then as a man he needs to defend, protect and solve the problem. Otherwise, this will never go away and you have a poisonous relationship just for the sake of you love him. Does he love you as much as you loving him? Ask him this question. What is he waiting for? Something better to come?
It’s not going to change once you get married. You need to take a step back and reevaluate if this is how you want to live and feel for the next 5 years, or longer. You will never win. Those kids will come first. And they should, right? Sounds like their mom is going to make it a living hell for you. I would back out of this no win situation. I wouldn’t want to live like I’m second fiddle, and I definitely wouldn’t want the continuous competition with his kids. Life is too short. I wish you well and I wish you happiness ~:heart:
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Don’t get married! They will all feel like they won by stopping your marriage, but it seems like they’ll just keep getting worse if you go ahead with your plans! If he doesn’t agree with you and take your feelings seriously, , he never will! You don’t say how much contact he has with his step kids -I guess you all live in the same area and they probably see each other whenever they want! It sounds like it can only get worse for you from here on as long as he feels obligated to these girls!
The fact that they are not his kids raises red flag, while I understand he raises them majority of their young lives, doesnt me he will quit loving them. You 2 need to talk and he needs to set boundaries with these to ladies.
Tell him it’s not okay and gives the wrong impression to other and someone may end up calling the police or child protection services , I’m sure the girls are just trying to get to you , just ignore them and show them how immaculate they are and will get tirer of their games it’s no fun for them if they can’t get a reaction from you God Bless You
I doubt it will change. I have been through this exact situation for 18 years. It never changes. It may be best to ignore them and just keep yourself happy.
Please don’t put him in the position of having to choose between you and his girls. Take it easy. Try to see they feel they are loosing someone they love and are fighting for his continued love and attention.
If he let’s all this disrespectful behavior toward you happen, no deal. He needs to tell the girls to grow up act their age and get over it. Hi ex has no say about anything. He should be telling all 3 of them to play nice or they are out. Maybe move to a different state. There would be no marriage for me with those conditions. It most likely won’t get better…good luck.
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In all sense he raised them. You dont have to be blood to see them as your own. If you try to come between them you will loose. The girls see u as competition as they already lost their dad once. They want to protect what’s theirs. Make it clear to them you dont wantvto replace their mom and you dont want to take his love from them. He loves you differently to how he loves them. Because the love is different there is enough for everyone. Have this talk with him present in this meeting. You both are the adults and they are in those catish teen years. They will move out soon and call once a month. Dont give up on your man and the love you have for him…
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Those girls are grown first of all they have no say in your relationship. I feel like its his job to set boundaries and if you have talked to him already and hes not doing anything about it well. Thats says alot of him idk.
If that’s the case,it’s simple.Tell them that they’ll give their father his sexual happiness,if they can do that you’ll say I’ll stay away from your father.just a simple naughty advise maybe it might work.
They probably are. It’s normal behaviour for children of any age. It will always be a power struggle so now you have to decided if that’s a struggle you want for the rest of yourlife or not.
Sounds like you are setting yourself up for a life time of misery. Get out of the relationship.
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Stay unmarried, live in your own home and let him live in his. Continue the relationship if you both want but don’t marry. I think you can already see where this is going and getting your name changed after divorce is a horrible inconvenience for women. Getting married now is only setting you up to feel like a failure when it ends in divorce down the road. Just because you love someone very strongly doesn’t mean you should marry them.
They were there before you. You said, “his kids” I know many affectionate family’s. You should move on to someone with no kids as you will always be thinking these things. Do them and yourself a favor.
Not sure what OP means by touchy-feely (as that can mean a lot of different things including normal-healthy father-daughter interactions) so hard to comment on that, however…
If he lets the girls disrespect her he obviously doesn’t respect his fiancee if he’s letting his ex & her kids interfere in his current relationship. He should be the one telling these girls off, and their mom to mind her own freaking business.
If I was to marry this man, I would need to be No1 in his life and come well before his adult step daughters. Don’t have these disrespectful young women in your home. You both could meet these stepdaughters now & again for a am/pm tea in a nice cafe. If they weren’t being respectful to you, then both you can both get up and walk away. Are you 100% certain you want to be amongst this drama. Is this angst worth it?
It is up to him to talk to his girls and explain that he loves you and you make him happy, he needs to reassure them that he will always love them but that he will always love their mom for being their mom, but he is not in love with her anymore. Good luck!
What exactly is “touchy feely” I don’t agree with some people saying a teen is too old to be hugging or being affectionate to their parents I have teen daughters (biological and step daughters) who are still always hugging us and and giving us a kiss goodnight. One of my stepdaughter had a hard time to adjust to me and her dad being together. She was very jealous and didn’t want me near him. She was 2 shes now 12 and we have a great reaction ship. My husband has always made them treat me like mom since we decided that if we were going to be together and had kids from previous relationships we were going to parent our children together. Everyone’s situation is different. You need to sit and talk with him.
This is a little tricky but not impossible. He needs to create boundaries. They do not have to like the situation but they need to Respect it.
There of an age when they will soon grow up a bit and realise you were there.
Let them know that you are with there father and your not going anywhere they need to except that or they need to see him at a differant location.
You shouldn’t have to deal with this if the father doesn’t respect your decision and help you out with the inappropriate behaviour he never will so then its time to walk. But please before you through away a relationship that you claim.you love sit down and talk to all of them together tell them all how you feel so there can be no misunderstandings. Love is hard to find respect is harder but being treated like a doormat is certanly not something you should brush aside. Also please stop with there not his kids that in itself tells me you havnt excepted them he is there father in every way that matters.
A d she was 16 at the time when we met and 18 when we married and she didn’t show up at the wedding until later
Those steps are probably feeling displaced and not sure of the future.
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There will always be a possessive feeling for tha man that was in their lives. Your role w/the family will be friend if possible. His role is to immediately talk to all of them. To the EX, reiterate they have both moved on & she needs to diffuse the situation if she expects his continued friendship. To the young ladies, begun acting their age & do not keep manhandling any man, to respect you & his choice to have you in his life as no one is asking them to love you & if they are unable to do that it will cause a break in the relationship between them. You again, if he doesn’t go to this effort for your relationship then get outa Dodge as your life will be miserable & it will be your fault. Been there done that!
If he can’t speak up and respect you now,he never will.
An ultimatum of either he speaks up for you and it all stops or no wedding or relationship.
He is the problem for not listening to
You and not supporting you with your concerns. They are old enough to behave like the adult they are. He needs to talk to them
You can cut toxic people out of your life…ANNNNND (clutch your pearls) you you don’t owe anybody an explanation when you do. If these weren’t his step kids, if they were his bio kids, who are almost adults, would he allow them to wear on his relationship? They are fixing to be out living their own lives. But ultimately it is up to him to set the boundaries with the girls. And if he truly loves you and he knows this is hurting you, he will set those boundaries and enforce them. Once they are set, he has told hold to them because these girls will push back. There is really so much to unpack here. These girls if they look up to him as their dad, probably don’t have their real dad around. So already we are dealing with abandonment issues and now that their mom and he are not together and he isn’t their real dad they dont think he will stick around, because they are not his he doesn’t have too. And then she stated that the girls mom doesn’t approve of the relationship at all, so here she comes with her toxic behavior. Whether towards them directly or manipulating it with the children. If he doesn’t set boundaries and consistently enforce them without using you as the scapegoat, for example " Amy doesn’t like when you constantly hug me" he needs to say “I don’t like it when you constantly hug me”. Then I feel that in the end you will be let down heartbroken. That’s why I stated that even if they were his bio family “YOU CAN CUT TOXIC PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE!!!” Say it was his sister and his 2 neices, if he truly loves you and thinks you are his forever girl, the people he allows around him will be of the same mindset. Just my opinion
You need to sit down and talk with your boy friend. And explain your side and tell him what is going ob. I’m he desides it is nothing as you say, it 's time to leave. He needs a dose of reality. And you will be better off not having the bologna throse girls are pulling.
If they are preteen or just getting in their teens I’d tell you to run but they are of an to understand that he needs his space and right to choose and they need to be behind him not working against him and you