I feel my in laws are playing favorites

I used to have a great relationship with them, and then after I married into their family and other events happened, things changed. When I got together with my now-husband, there was a possibility that he had a son, but he wasn’t sure if it was his. A year into our relationship between tracking his ex down going through the motions of court, he found out it was his kid. Everything was fine. Then I got pregnant and expected her arrival a few months later. Since then, things have only continued to get worse with favoritism for the boy that only visits. Between personally texting my husband’s ex and scheduling times to see his son without his knowledge, and then never seeing our daughter unless it’s convenient when his son is also around. They don’t ask about her or know anything about her. It’s all just a huge mess and makes me feel so guilty because, yes, it is important his son has good relationships with everyone; he also has a whole other life with tons of other family and friends. Meanwhile, I don’t communicate with my family for personal reasons, so my husband’s family is all she has, and it’s almost like she’s getting punished because she is around all the time and not just at certain times. I feel so helpless and stuck in this situation. I also get called out because I don’t pay enough attention to his son, while it’s several of them paying attention to him and only me with my daughter. With the exception of my husband doing his best to be there for both. But there’s a lot more to it, it just gets me so down, and I hold a grudge toward them for it and have nothing to do with them because of it.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel my in laws are playing favorites

It sounds like you have extreme jealousy or resentment towards this young man and the family is picking up on it. They are possibly so unhappy about it and have chosen to keep a distance from you and since your baby is small unfortunately her too. Hopefully you can work through any negative feelings for the child who “only visits” before you’re left with zero family

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I’d be upset if my in laws played favorites but it also sounds like u are ignoring your husbands son out of jealousy…. It’s not about how has enough family or not they should both be treated equally by everyone! And u married that little boys father so u should be treating him fairly also! It’s not his fault his grandparents are playing favorites!

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I mean I’d probably be the same way if my in-laws treated my kid different than their granddaughter. Still, give the little boy some love. Treat them both the same to show others how they should be treated. Love them both because they’re both yours. You married him so you married into being a parent to that boy too. But I do think you’re valid in being upset about the favoritism. Put your foot down about it.

My stepdads mom favored my sister and brother over me and my other sister (the step kids). They treated us less than and it was honestly heartbreaking and shouldn’t have been allowed.

I have watched my aunts kids be disfavored by her in laws, while the same in laws favors their other grandkids this way.

Eventually the kids picked up on it and started treating their cousins less than, because the grandparents did. My aunt stopped letting them see the kids completely because it would just break their heart seeing the difference in which they were treated.

Seems like the grandparents shouldn’t be allowed around either kid if they can’t treat them both the same.

Good for you girl for standing up for your kiddo getting treated different.

You never said you wanted them to stop treating the little boy this way. You just wants her daughter treated THE SAME, and that’s understandable. Don’t listen to people criticizing you for wanting her daughter to be treated fairly.

You can only take so much favoritism against your daughter before you start getting upset watching them care about their other grandkid but not this one.
It hurts. And it hurts the kids. Keep your head up mama and stand your ground. Good luck queen! :heavy_heart_exclamation::crown:

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First off maybe it’s time for you to figure out how to have a blended family, second your husband should be calling this out with his family, third if they don’t want to treat them fairly then just don’t see them.

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Been there !! Dtr is 14 … don’t allow it it has recked her​:cry::pensive:

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Here is my thoughts sometimes we make a mountain out of a dirt mound. We take what we see and make it more than what it is. They may feel guilty of missing out on time with him. They may not be huge on babies less affectionate during pandemic. They may see that u are super close to ur baby and that may make them a little stand off ish cause they feel u want to hold her all the time or just have her close to you. There are moms that are like here see my baby and some that are like no that’s my baby. Try to help them build that relationship. Show them that it is okay. Send pictures and updates. See if they want to hold her or babysit her. If you don’t help the relationship you can’t complain with the lack of it. Also maybe talk to ur husband about talking to them. How do act when you are visiting without ur step son? Idk how old ur daughter is but it is easy to play with a kid then a baby.

Not criticizing you feeling are valid just giving an outsiders opinion.

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Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems as though deep down inside you was hoping you get the news that the little boy wasn’t his. It’s a family shift now because your daughter is not the only grandchild now.

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Tell the family and husband how you feel maybe they don’t realize what they are doing. You all need to make both of those kids priorities. When you married your husband that boy became your son and you should treat both your daughter and him equally. It isn’t the boys fault the family is playing favorites and maybe they feel they need to give him attention cuz they missed out on some of his life or like I said they might not realize they are doing it. I don’t feel like they are going behind your back contacting the mother to see the child either. My sons family contacts me on the weeks I have our son to spend time with him cuz my ex only gets our son every other week so it really isn’t much time for them all to spend time with our kid so the days he is with his dad he really doesn’t see his family. So my son’s aunt calls me to take him once a week sometimes two and his grandma sometimes gets ahold of me to take him places also. In no way tho are we trying to go behind my ex’s back with this we just all know family is important so he sees all his family both sides no matter which one of us has him.

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Boys carry the family name, i guess…its sad

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Why do the grandparents need your husband’s permission to text the ex to see the little boy? Sounds like they are making up for lost time with him. Maybe it’s easier for them because he is older. It’s not the boy fault that you have no family around. Do you reach out to them and ask them to spend time with her?Or invite them over?

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Sounds like his family is not all she has. You and daddy are. Don’t force it. Stop now and if they say anything tell them the line of communication and visitation goes both ways. I think hubby should step in and maybe stop visiting them all together until they can be kinder to your baby girl🌸

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I was in the same boat as you with my 2 big kids. While their dad and I were together there was very minimal contact from the in-laws. And now that we’ve separated its worse. We live closer to them now so I don’t understand why they can’t ring and tell my daughter it’s her grandmother’s wedding or her great grandmother’s birthday. Yet, all the other grandchildren get told. It’s just not fair to my kids or to any kids.

If I were you I’d say something. I wish I hadve all those years ago. Now my daughters 18 and my son is 20 and they’re not that close to their dads family which is sad.

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I felt this completely :broken_heart:

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If inlaws want to see her let them if not then theyr no addition to anyone but they maybe over compensating for a child that was unplanned unloved unknown by their side until now

Is your daughter an infant and the boy much older? Want you to not think about how flipping amazing to be in that boys shoes. Bevause I can assure you many times in these situations that kid gets the cold response. Maybe the family sees the complications of the dynamic and is trying extra hard? I think especially after hearing you talk to none of your family there is more to this on your end bevause you brought up “other stuff” . I mean. Rhis as perhaps you have a to. Of family emotions on general and may be blowing this put of perportion bevause of it. Tred lightly and do some reflection b4 being too confrontational.

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You might just have to change your perspective by not overthinking. Just be happy, and do things to reach out to the in laws to rebuild your relationship. Things aren’t always as we make them appear in our minds. Relax and go with the flow. Good luck.

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Keep your baby girl away. She will realize this as she’ gets older children no need in letting her feel less than her brother. Hang in there momma !

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Is it possible they believe you aren’t welcoming to the child,especially if the ongoing argument is favoritism? If you and his family are at odds is it possible they are standoffish bc they dont want to deal with you? You need to communicate with them directly all the miscommunication between adults ultimately the children suffer

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You take care of your baby
Find friends
My friends are my family
Facebook has great mom groups
His family does not define who you and your child are.

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You don’t communicate with your family? Why? RED FLAG. Stop being super sensitive…

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The way you say “the boy who only visits” really bothers me. Also, first you say they never see your daughter unless it’s convenient, then you say she’s around all the time. So which is it? It sounds to me like the Grandparents are trying to make up for lost time, and want to make sure they are in his life, regardless of how much family he has on his mother’s side, he needs his father’s side also. You seem to feel like your child should be prioritized over her brother because she is lucky enough to live with both parents and be around the family often. This whole post is about you being jealous of a child and I simply don’t understand.

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That’s the start right there… holding grudges without letting others know how you’re feeling is like drinking the poison and waiting for them to die in harsh terms.
They go about what they are doing because they don’t know how it impacts you also they have time to make up with this kid. If he is only there periodically, then yes it’s only natural they hoover around him when he is there or want more time to get to know him.
It’d only be a red flag if they straight up ignore your daughter even when the boy isn’t visiting.
I think you need to take a deep breath and realize your daughter isn’t feeling these feelings you are. That’s her brother, do you have her interact with him, if they call you out for not paying attention to him. He is also now your son if that is your husband’s blood. Maybe be more inviting and everything will calm down.
Good luck prayers and positive vibes your way :raised_hands:

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So your step son not the boy who visits it’s nasty to call him that is at least two years older than your child if not more that they just learned about last year and want to spend time with is an issue because your infant should come first? 1 not everyone likes babies 2 he’s older and more able to do things on his own not sure how old his parents are but that could be a factor also are you guys around all the time or not at all cuz you said both
That is your step child that you knew was a possibility before you got married congrats grandparents always have a favorite until they learn to even it out if they ever do

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Try to talk to them, and say you don’t want your daughter growing up feeling like she’s loved less. Ask if you guys can go over, even for an hour while he’s there so your daughter can have the same relationship.

Also, I don’t know how old your step son is, and how old your daughter is… but, if he’s older and she’s younger. That would explain it altogether. My nephews/nieces go to my parents a lot, but my son doesn’t because they are all a lot older. A 10 year old, or even a 5 year old is a lot easier than a 2 year old.

It sucks, but sometimes people just want a kid that’s easy.

I’m confused. You say they only see your daughter when it’s convenient to them but then say she’s around all the time. Which one is it? I truly feel there’s more to the story than just this.

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A husband should step up and take care of the problem

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It sounds like she’s better off not knowing the grandparents. She will be alright. None of my kids have grandparents. They can’t miss what they don’t have

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Stop being jealous over that kid. “The boy who visits”…um no, that’s his son and should be your bonus child. The grandparents are making up for lost time and so what if they call his mother to talk to him or see him!? That’s normal!!

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My ex husband’s father had no interest in our family until our son was born. Our first born was 5, when her brother was born. It was all about passing on the family name.

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They say you don’t pay enough attention to the son…that tells the whole story. They don’t agree with the way you are favoring your child over the step son and it sounds like you are jealous over this boy. They are basically pulling away from you but still involved with the kids. Do better.

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Sounds like you and your family need the help of a councilor who specializes in helping blended families.

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I couldn’t ever figure out why some people prefer one gender over the other but apparently that is what they are doing

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Don’t force a relationship between them just because they’re family. If they want to make the effort to be a positive role model in your daughter’s life, let them. If not, that’s not your fault. Sounds like she has fantastic parents looking out for her and supporting her :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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You and husband and his family no kids . You all need to have a talk now and get everything on the table, no shouting no swearing no name calling just talking like adults and then if nothing changes you and husband need to decide what happens next xx

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Maybe the grandparents are trying to welcome him as part of the family. Maybe you could too. I do have a nephew in that situation, and a good friend who also was. First child was welcomed by them all, including the wife and her family.

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Dont wait till they’re grown and its too late to realize that the greatest privilege in life is to be able to pour love over children–(any children), stop sniveling about what others dont do and keep pouring, the only “fairness” you have control over is you, be the light

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Tbh it sounds like you resent the “boy who only visits” and the extended family resent that. It could be that that is the root cause. Perhaps his sons mom doesn’t come with drama and they can just see the son and not feel tension. Sometimes the way others treat or react to us is our own doing.

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cut them out. fuck them. dony play favorites and ull see my kids. thats what ive always done

kids know who love them and who dont. there not worth it. ik. trust me. i dealt with bs for 7.5yrs.

Wtf for the boy that only visits is such a shitty comment I understand you feel like the grandparents show favoritism but you obviously do the same an try to use the grandparents to justify ur actions Two wrongs don’t make a right, I feel bad for both children the situation just sounds off

You will have to be there for both children. This is new to them. They know they must pay attention to him or may not see him. With your daughter. They will see her. Please give them some slack. Continue to be open with them and friendly. Jeolousy will hurt everyone.

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Don’t be like them, speak of your step son like he’s really your family because he is. Teach your daughter how a good loving person acts. Show kindness instead of jealousy Show love instead of hate, Show empathy instead of anger. Find it in your heart to love both those babies and possibly start a friendship with his mom so brother and sister can grow up loving each other. Don’t let your frustration with the situation hurt your relationship with your husband. Some older folks want a boy simply to carry on the family name and some just like boys better, what ever their reason is doesn’t really matter it’s their grandson and they are probably just feeling very blessed that the mother let’s them visit :blush: Be happy for them and you will start feeling better about everything :blush:

Sounds like his family doesn’t like you and they never really did, that’s why their attitude changed once you married into the family

Somehow, I do not think we are getting the true picture here. I think the poster is jealous that there is another child in the picture.

She talks about “the boy that only visits” as though he is not part of the family. Jealous.

She talks of "personally texting the child’s mother to schedule times for visitations. Jealous.

The poster is very jealous and it shows. I pity the step-son as I am sure the poster does not hide her dislike, her disdain, her jealousy for this poor child.
Are the grandparents and others really playing favorites or is it just that the other grandchild is not around as much as the poster’s daughter and when he comes to visit they are beyond elated.

It sounds like the in-laws are making up for lost time. And could it be that the family is excited to see this grandchild because they missed so much of his earlier years.

The poster, obviously, is the one who is playing favorites with your child over your step-son. Why is that acceptable?

It seems that only the father, your husband, is the only person who loves both his children and does not play favorites. I think you should grow up and act like a mature woman who can show love and kindness to her step-son. Take a page from your husband’s book. Follow his example.

If I were your husband and I saw how you are jealous of my son, I would kick you to the curb so fast your head would spin.

Sheeeeeeeeeeesh, woman, love is not a finite thing, it grows and is infinite if you let it be.