Sorry to be a party pooper but the love you want is not love, it’s infatuation and it’s not sustainable. So you might need to re-evaluate your view of what love is. However him reverting to self harm is worrying
You should def leave and let another woman who is going to cherish him have him. Go and do you so you can be happy
I left over the same thing.
I got to this point I said I can’t settle anymore ( after 5 years ) and I left.
I’m glad I did. I need that fire and I need it to not die out .
My kids adjusted . Your kids will see him and stuff.
When it feels like a brother , it’s time to go , unless you can settle
I understand u wanna be happy and u do deserve to be happy as he does as well. But honestly if u let sex change your feelings then u never loved him to begin with. But trust me if hes all those other things i wouldnt give up so easy. Because all the good u mentioned is hard to find in a man and u may never find it agai. Yeah sex is great but its not everything. When u get with someone new and they cheat dont help treat u good in the start of everything then u “fall in love” and they totally change u would understand what im saying. I mean by all means of u really aint happy and dont love him dont hold him back from someone who would love to have him or hold yourself nack from being happy. But once u let him go u may regret it.
Why don’t u have some date nights? A saucy weekend away? Honestly he sounds great maybe u just need the spark back in ur relationship! Would u go mad if he started giving another woman attention? Coz if u would then there’s defo some feelings still there xxx
For one if he helped himself and it’s a big deal as you say you would be fine. Marriage is not always being in love if been told that it’s a false statement.
What God has put together let no man put asunder. God sees you two as one. Pray, pray, pray for your spouse. God will heal you, honest. Ask God to rejuvenate your love for him. Been there done that. Please don’t get caught up in what society dictates as love. Love really is a choice. And think of the children. Divorce scars and it does carry on into a Childs future. I know first hand. Read God’s Word on divorce. You really have no grounds for divorce. Consider going to one of Dennis Rainy’s Family Life’s Weekend to Remember. It’s amazing. If you can’t afford it, consider volunteering. After that weekend then think about if you want to be in God’s will or your will. You must feel something for your man or you wouldn’t have written this. So, there is something to build on. Christ has to be the center of your marriage. Lot’s of good couple devotionals out there. And lot’s of great books for women. Been married 43 years.
The kind of relationship you think you’re wanting is unrealistic, and won’t last but for a little while… You have a solid relationship at home right now. A good man from what you make it seem… remember, Nothing in life is perfect.
I’m assuming you tried marriage counseling, but have you considered going to some kind of sex therapy… if not as a couple, just for you for starters?
Your relationship seems ok, just not your sexual relationship. Rekindle the bedroom part of things… find out where your reluctance towards him comes from, what turns you off about him. I’m thinking during the time he had issues you have felt neglected, and the longer it lasted the more it turned you off about him. Figure out why that spark is gone for you… and try to fix it…
watch sexlife at Netflix
Spend some time apart.
Sounds like he deserves better honestly…
Marriage is falling in love many times over and over again. It’s not easy, but so worth having a companion who understands you and loves you through your imperfections, and you the same for him.
It’s so common for this to happen when you have young children. The focus shifts from each other to the kids, and your romance tends to get placed on the back burner. This is just a season….and seasons change. Feelings fluctuate/sex drive fluctuates → in every single marriage. The marriages that last are the ones that make it through each season…even the lackluster seasons. There are different challenges in every season. You will absolutely experience these seasons with whoever you are with if you are with them for a long time. Most all relationships start out with butterflies/passion/etc….and with time….the mundane real life happens. You both have to work at it and not run away out of boredom. Love is a choice…not just a feeling.
As far as not being satisfied with your intimacy and romantic life, I am thinking you need time to figure out yourself, it doesn’t sound like you truly know yourself. It takes TWO to tango, it’s not just up to him to make the magic happen, you both need to be putting in the work, you understanding what you want or need out of the relationship is just as important as you guys understanding each other’s wants and needs. Everyone has their own love language, do you understand yours? Do you understand his? Does he need you to open up more to understand you and your love language? Communicating is VERY important so don’t forget to do alot if it (even if it makes you uncomfortable.) Quality time ( no kids, tv,phone, distractions of any kind) is very much needed to build your relationship and help you realize exactly what you want in the relationship and determine whether your getting that or not. Good luck with your marriage and don’t pay any mind to all the negative comments!
Break ups don’t have to break up the family sis. Just be friends and buddies thru it all. First and foremost. Just like marriage.
Have you considered an open relationship? I mean, in a fully open with each other, with consent from both parties kind of way.
Maybe if you take a dip in the dating pool you’ll see what a poor selection there is out there and you’ll appreciate your husband even more or you could go out and have some fun maybe what he needs is to reawaken his sex drive too
I realise this isn’t for everyone.
Well, am glad that my wife & I are so crazy about each other… It makes our son so happy, I don’t put focus too much on silly things, am off to work, come home tired with my wife & son waiting for me at the door, a beautiful hug & kisses, have a delicious meal… Talk about work & laugh about funny things… Night, I make is comfortable & naughty, just to make her feel so happy… Same routine all week… I don’t focus too much on sex, just other things that makes us happy …
You both deserve better.
You should have not asked that on here. Your just gonna get a bunch of sermons and people acting like your the bad guy. Do what you need, do what will make you happy because it’ll ultimate in the long run make him happy too even if it hurts at first you both deserve someone your both in love with.
People are only gonna read your question and see “sex” and “not in love” and give you the typical bullshit about sex not mattering and how stupid you are for thinking it’s always sunshine and rainbows.
The only person that can answer this question is you I mean there is no guarantee that when you leave you will find that all consuming love but the same time if you don’t you’ll never figure it out it definitely sounds like you guys need some alone time to try to reconnect maybe try the dating thing all over again or even separate for a few months test the waters because it’s a shame to throw away a good man and a family just because you’re not madly in love anymore I mean you guys been together for 9 years but the end of the day the only person that will live with the consequences of ending your marriage whether they are good or bad is you and your family so you got to figure out what’s best for you guys hope it works out
Marriage isn’t just about sex, it’s a commitment. Maybe instead of making a post about it, you should be telling YOUR husband all of this? If what you’re looking for is a lustful and exciting relationship, you’ll eventually always get bored and want to leave. It’s just not realistic. Either try to rekindle your marriage or let him go and let him find someone who deserves him and will actually put effort into the relationship. It’s hard to find a good, faithful man these days. Don’t drop a good man just to go find a loser who’s good at fucking Sorry to be blunt, but you sound very immature and need a reality check.
It doesn’t matter who you are with, your marriage will eventually become more of an affectionate companionship than a voracious lust-fueled hormone fest, over time. That doesn’t mean sex goes away, passion is absent, or love has died out: it just means hormones aren’t quite as overpowering as you age. Those feelings are not love: they’re hormones. So you could ‘trade up’ only to find the same problem eventually with the new guy, and could launch a series of relationship failures because you’re on a constant hunt for those ‘new relationship’ and ‘young love’ feelings. Feelings that are dead in your marriage can be resurrected. Date him. Tell him what turns you on and ask him to do it. Wear what turns him on, tease him, and see a sex therapist. Do what made you fall in love with him at first. Don’t focus on whether you have the feelings, do it to get close. Emotional closeness is the glue that holds relationships together and makes sex satisfying.
Oh, and if he is depressed, anxious, stressed, feeling inadequate, on psychotropic drugs, vitamin D-deficient, or overweight those things can reduce his sex drive. Deal with weight or vitamin deficiency issues, and help him reduce stress. Care about his feelings as much as you care about your own and you will have your reward in the bedroom. A wife has all the power in the world over how her husband feels about himself.
Yes when you have a family it’s not about you anymore …
Just leave him to find a women who loves him… and you find someone who can make you happy.
Or maybe you could join a swingers group hahahaha
You’ll break his heart and want him back as soon as he’s taken. He deserves better
Honestly sounds more like you want the validation to leave rather than wanting a reason to stay and if that’s true then he deserves better and you need to go. Marriage takes work from both parties and good communication skills, love and passion ebb and flow like the tide.
Find ways to get that old thing back…rekindle the flame…talk to him let him know where you are at…get some marriage counseling…Try Try Try
Sex shouldn’t be a big thing to you!!! What if you think you did find the right guy for that and he cheats on you or start to make you feel how your husband does ? you don’t want to try counseling so you just want us to tell you to get out when you already know what you want to do if I was him I’d definitely leave you and find better
Leave. It’s that simple.
For better or worse in sickness & in health. No marriage is perfect but then marriage is so much more than sex. I’m truly sorry that you’re so unhappy & unfulfilled but please try to imagine how he must feel too.
As the kid of a mom who waited for her kids to be older to leave… I honestly say leave, leave before you cheat on him and end up breaking your kids hearts and end up mad at you for not leaving sooner if you didn’t want to be with their father anymore. You both deserve better. Even though parents at times think their children don’t notice when they are going through a rough situation they do…
Your mind will follow what you feed it.
He deserves better. Leave! Go see that marriages and relationships aren’t passionate and sexy and lovey dovey all the time. Marriage is something you choose to be in and decide to work at every day not leave when it’s not going your way. You say how great and wonderful he is, what a great father he is and so much more, well let him go be all that for someone who deserves him. And you go and see that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Just remember there are a lot of horrible men out there also. I don’t think you realise how lucky you are. I don’t think anyone would stay married especially in this day and age if we all gave up
Do him a favor and leave. You both deserve better tbh. Why waste any more of his or your time?
He fixed his problem, now it’s your turn get ya s sex and intimacy counselor!
Before you leave, just remind yourself that the grass is rarely greener on the other side! Trying watering and nurturing the grass at home. You could find the most passionate of men, but will he have the qualities your husband has??
You were both young when you got married and as you say you didn’t know what you wanted in life at that age. I was married at that age as well. You change as you get older and wiser and sometimes unfortunately life doesn’t work out how we thought it would. Your husband sounds great and a great father, but at the end of the day you also deserve to be happy as well. And wasting more of your life to try and keep others happy isn’t the way to go. Marriage is difficult and has lots of ups and downs and part of that is trying to work at it, its not all picture perfect and at times can be really hard, if you have tried everything, date nights, a trip away together just the two, and even a little time apart and you still feel the same and have no feelings and no live then its time for you to go, it’s not fair on either of you you should move on while you are both young . If you haven’t had any time apart try that first, a little break, that will seal whatever doubts you have in your mind, absence does make the heart grow fonder, but sometimes it just confirms to you what you feel inside. Break ups don’t have to be bad either, you can still live apart and be good parents, but don’t stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of it, you are both worth more than that.
Sounds to me that you’re the one that needs the help at this point. All marriages go thru stagnant phases. You need communication. Marriages take work. Your kids are worth putting in the work for. Maybe seek help for yourself.
If you are Unhappy, your kids will be Unhappy! Js…
You answered your own question but want us to give you answers. Make that make sense. You just said you don’t want to spend your life miserable when life is short. Listen to yourself and act, now.
Anytime a woman wants to leave a relationship she is totally chastised as if a woman cannot realize she doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore or with a specific person and move on…
He not only deserves better but she does as well. She deserves someone that satisfies all of her needs and wants.
If you want to try, there’s tons of stuff these days to rekindle that. But just know that every relationship eventually levels out and it’s not new and shiny any more, and in 9 more years you’ll still be dissatisfied if you don’t choose to learn how to keep it burning how you want.
How can a person be so perfect if they will go so far for manipulation. Actually it sounds somewhat dysfunctional. If he is the great man you portray, he will accept whatever happens without such extreme measures for his children’s mental health. You two married young, but you’re adults now.Children can survive such changes if the separated adults work for the best interest of their kids. That’s what parents do
Truth is your supposed to be with a friend forever that’s the whole point of a marriage someone you can grow a family with and trust and grow with but how can he be what u want when he does what u need him to and it’s something new in today’s world your luck will run thin you’ll leave find a new guy and he’ll treat u like shit and you’ll see another girl exactly with what you had and regret it
I would tell him the truth on how your feeling. stay at the house in separate rooms co parenting until
the kids are older
Sounds like you want that unrealistic movie feeling!! It’s not real!! Everyone has the initial lust. Then you form an amazing connection and bond that is far deeper than lust. You sound like a selfish woman who has an amazing man right in front of her. Cut him loose so he can find a deserving woman.
So you don’t love him cause of sex? But love everything about him?
Please leave that poor man.
Marriage isn’t forever. Forget the bible garbage. That comes from a time when women were property. You need to find a place where you are happy. If it isn’t married to this guy, then so be it.
As some one that has been in a domestically abusive relationship. I can assure u u are extremely lucky to have such a good man. They are rare.
Don’t leave. There arent many men like him on the world. Someone else will scoop him up and you will realize what you lost. Make it work and honor those vows.
You said till death do you part. Not sex. Work together
Try doing things y hall used to do together as a couple
If you’re not happy then leave. Kids are not a reason to stay in a relationship you’re miserable in. There are tons of children of divorced/single parents who are just fine. He can still be a great father even if you and the kids don’t live with him full time.
Well like I mean it’s possible to live together but sleep in separate rooms divorce and just focus on co parenting shouldn’t be a problem since you say yous are good friends
Yes you can divorce and give you both the option of a loving partner. Show the kids what a loving respectful partnership is if that truly isn’t happening.
Maybe you guys need a sex therapist to kickstart things idk. Love isnt obsession that’s not healthy. I think before you do anything you should really delve into this with a personal therapist. Since it doesn’t sound like abuse is a factor I’d just suggest taking some time to really work therapy to figure out if you have a healthy outlook on love in a relationship.
Treat ur self & find a way to mak the bedroon fun again
You are so so selfish thinking of you’re self only
Sounds like you guys have been stuck in a routine for so long you’ve become accustomed to this way of living. Stop living like that and go back to “dating”. You have to rekindle that spark between you guys. Stop putting energy into wanting to leave and find “that perfect love “ and water your own grass. I bet if you put as much energy into your marriage as you are wanting to leave, you will find that spark. Goodluck!
People dont realise the Grass isnt always greener on the otherside. It takes working together to keep that spark alive otherwise you become stagnant. Make sure you have done everything possible before throwing away such a good man please as they dont come around that often
You watch too many love stories.You are throwing away the best life you have.You want passion and sex.Well then work in a brothel.There is lust,sex and passio when being paid.
Your children plead with you to stay in the best marriage anyone can wish for.
You are in need of serious prayer to ask GOD to give you understanding and realisation what life is all about.
DO NOT THROW AWAY THE BEST.
THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE BECAUSE THEIR IS MORE MANURE …(SH-T)ON THE LAWN.
Passion that you are looking for to consume you always always dims in every relationship, but you are lucky that sincerity lasts between you both he takes care of you and kids. Not every man is capable of doing these basic things. So do give a second thought best of luck to you
On another note, If you don’t want him my sisters single, she’s always dated losers that cheated on her and abused her…I think she deserves a good man finally
Good men are hard to find. Marriage is not all passion and good times. It does settle down into friendship. Its not his fault he had problems in the bedroom and if your happiness in a relationship depends on sex …I feel sorry for you because love is not just about sex
Grass isn’t always greener on the other side! “date” your husband again, it seems like you spend a lot of time thinking of leaving instead of getting that spark back. I’ve always been told love isn’t always a feeling but a choice to wake up every day and love your S/o. Good luck and definitely think twice
I cant believe people would put personal problems on face book
Don’t leave. Stay… find your happiness in your marriage…if it is so hard…find happiness in the family…
An attempt to cut himself because of you wanting to leave… doesn’t sound like he’s obsessed with you, It sounds very codependent… and that he has a big fear of abandonment. It honestly sounds like you both need time away to work on yourselves.
I met my first love when I was 18 and he was 22. Started a life together right after I graduated High School. We never married and never had children. After a year and a half, I left. Our sex life was terrible. And I mean terrible. And like you, I needed that affection, that passion. He got help (kinda) with his issues but also like you, it was too late for me. I didn’t love him anymore. But even during those ten years, I remember telling friends that he was the one I should’ve tried harder for. He was the one I still missed after all this time. Because he is a good man and was really good to me.
Fast forward ten years later, we reconnected. We never saw eachother and didn’t speak until last year. We both have grown. I felt like back then I was so young and didn’t know what I wanted. But I’m older now and realize he was all I wanted and I’ve been given a second chance to do it right this time. Our relationship is better than ever. I love him with everything in me. He is a good partner and a good father figure to my 3 year old son.
Good men and great father’s are hard to find. I’m afraid that if you leave and don’t try to make your marriage work, he will move on with his life and like me, you will see the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. And it might be too late. The damage has been done and you’re left wishing you could take it all back.
Talk with him. Tell him you’re unhappy. Explain. Communicate. But don’t give up. Learn to love one another again. Make a date night once a week if you have to, just the two of you. I wish you the best of luck.
Spice stuff up. Play out your fantasies. Ask him what his are. Communicate what you need. Trust me when yall start having fun again. Those sparks come back and then at breakfast you look at him different everyday. You realise holy shit i fell in love with the same man all over again. Marriage comes in waves. Some years are good some arent. But some how we always find a way to fall back in love. Communication is key. Having young kids is hard. But really try to pay out what turns you on. Dont be embarrassed either. Just go with it. Watch porn for reference. Watch it together. Just get that spark back and everything else will fall in line. Now the cutting. Lets hope he has deeply regretted it and understands thats not an okay behavior. Now go have fun please. That man loves you. Let him live out your fantasies girl.
Get over yourself raise your kids then you can go screw the whole neighborhood lots of years left ahead of you kids aren’t little forever as long as you don’t keep spitting them out you can still have good sex later in life !!
Can’t you have a trial separation you might realise he is for you after all have a month apart without any contact and see how you feel.xx
Stay. Focus on bringing in your own passion. Both of you sound codependent. He’s good to you. Be good to him. Keepimg the spark alive shouldn’t just be about the marriage. Keep that alive in your heart, always. Through time invested in what brings you joy. And if you can include your partner, please, do it. And your kids. It sounds like youre bored with yourself.
Did you ever consider the problem might be you?
Once you hit that divorce button you don’t know what will happen. My ex went crazy. Everything I tried to do she exploded and tried to change it. She became very resentful. & tried everything she could to get the kids to hate me. My kids are all grown up now but they hate us for the divorce. Divorce will ruin everything. Divorce will hurt your kids
You are looking for that greener grass and when you do leave him for what you believe is the greenest grass ever you will realize you already had it and may sound mean but hopefully he will already be moved on to his pasture that is greater than you and never takes you back…
I think you ought to change your perspective a little. Commitment is a choice. Of course after 9 years there will be a lull. Its your choice to water your grass.
If you are not happy then you should talk to your husband. Marriage is for better and for worse. Falling out if love bc there was bedroom issues sounds really shallow honestly. You should work on rekindling your relationship bc the grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it…People put zero value on marriage.
Find your happiness in yourself. Maybe your projecting your unhappiness with yourself onto your marriage.
Men like him are far and few.
Maybe sleep in separate rooms. But I agree I wouldn’t leave. Maybe you need to go to a therapist for yourself.
Marriage is not just about Passion. Yes great sex is amazing but is it so important that the need for it is worth giving up on what others would consider a great merrage.
And after 9 tears with someone else, you’ll be feeling his way again…
If your not happy, he probably isn’t either.
You obviously loved him once because you ended up married, and you can work to get that back.
It sounds like you have both changed quite a bit, and I would suggest trying to find a new spark rather than one you used to have together. Take some time for yourself a and date each other again. Find some new hobbies to do together, and try to get the spark into the bedroom again!
If you try and all fails then you will have to part ways, but at least you will know you have done all you can! You can’t live miserably for years until one day you will just blow, so give it a try with some new ideas, and if not, do what’s best for you both and separate so you can both find someone on the same wavelength as yourself x
I think you’re confused about what a great person is.
Great people do not manipulate.
You both need salvation.
Usually that love that consumes you is not healthy, i know from experience, be careful what you wish for!
You are very lucky. Life is not all ‘ha, ha, hee, hee’!
This doesn’t add up, at all!
I’m about 97% sure that this isn’t the exact story of what’s really going on?!
I could be wrong but my woman’s intuition is telling me otherwise?!
You are speaking of all these emotions that you’re lacking
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel nothing for my husband but he is great: Advice?
I know from personal experience and then from raising 2 daughters, that most females are completely different people at 25 than they were at 20. A lot happens in the mind and body in those 5 years, so it makes sense that maybe u want something and even someone different than you did when you were younger. Just try to be honest with him.
I would try some individual therapy to help you sort through your feelings
Married for ten years at 25. We are def different people from back then and it was super hard. But we try hard to fight to stay together instead. We make changes and we communicate what we want in daily living and bed. We have four children together ranging from 20 to 4. We go on date night just him and I …we need to do something to keep the heat alive. You can’t expect things to stay sweet for eternity and you will have to work on keeping it sweet. It sounds like you have a good husband and you will learn to love him again. You may think the grass is greener on the other side but it’s green right under you mama…good luck and try to work on getting back on track with him
Sometimes we have to choose to love someone and choose to be happy, choose to appreciate what we have, marriage is a choice and I’m no expert but I feel like you’ve chosen to be done, what you say you desire still, will get mundane one day also, you’ve gone from the honeymoon stage of your relationship to real life, that happens to all couples , you see the good in him, I think( not saying I know it all) you need to change your mindset more to reality and not crave fantasy and choose to appreciate what you have , he’s good to you, loves you, loves his children, provides for his family, he is everything every woman desires , again , I think you are experiencing real life and it’s not always fun, I hope you find happiness in your marriage and in your life , good luck and God bless.
I’m in the same boat. Going on 5 years, married 2 & have a child… he is a great guy as well, but has a lot of downfalls… lack of attention, affection, sexual satisfaction etc… like we are just roommates it seems. I planned to leave but I have that slight hope that things would change but Idk if they are so I’ll probably plan on leaving… it sucks because I don’t wanna go through the opening up, vulnerability, fear, heartache again with someone else… so confusing.
Let him go, he deserves to be happy too. I feel bad for him, he couldn’t help his “problem”. If you had God at the center of your marriage I guarantee you would not be even mentioning sex. Give him to someone that deserves him, so he can get the love reciprocated.
With the cutting, it sounds like there’s more going on than meets the eye. He sounds like a covert narcissist. There’s a reason you’re not attracted to him. Trust your instincts.
If you REALLY feel as you say then leave! If you do not love him let him go. Even if things are better in the bedroom on his part but you dont emotionally or physically want him…let him go! He may feel hurt and hopeless but in time he will be happy again because someone will appreciate all the wonderful qualities you say he has…
Evidently the kids know you want to leave…another reason you should go. They deserve a happy good relationship we with each parent. Not to live in a house where they know at least one parent doesn’t want to be with the other one anymore. I grew up knowing my dad wanted to leave my mom. And when I graduated and was moving out that’s when he left. I always wished he’d left when he wanted to so life could’ve been happier when I saw him or my mom.
A truly loveless marriage is not good. A marriage where you no longer want your partner sexually or really even emotionally needs to end. If your children were grown and in this situation what would you tell them?
If you feel no love towards him i would leave you both deserve to be loved unconditionally, it would be hard to begin with but if you are better friends use can make it work
I was gonna say stay and work it out but then he pulled that crap when you did try to leave. Just know that most couples go through a time when the passion/infatuation fades. Even if you move on and find someone you’re obsessed with, over time, it will fade with them too. Love is a verb. It means loving someone even when you don’t feel like it that day. A couple I know who are obsessed with each other still after 30 years still went through that. And when they came out on the other side, they were stronger. So it’s up to you. But if he plays that manipulative game again, get your bags and your kids and leave because that is a toxic environment for them to grow up in.
Been married to my man for 35 years have raised 5 children and trust me lovely I get it… but with all respect “ a love that consumes me” is a very immature love/life view of relationship and love! Good quality mature adult love is friendship, parenting, teamwork, and a lot of very boring life stuff that you do together as a team( and it sounds like your a good team). Passion and obsession is not sustainable snd it’s an early love brain stage that you cannot spend your whole life living in, as it exhausting and takes you away from real life.
Passion is something that ebbs and flows but like all things in a relationship to takes care and nurturing… maybe you need to both make a commitment to schedule sex. I know it sounds boring but if you were striving to lose weight you’d schedule exercise and put some daily behaviour changes into achieving you end goal… do the same with you relationship and sex life and you’d be surprised how quickly things change … good luck
Do not stay in a relationship, because of your kids.
Sounds like you are thinking with you vigina. Sex is one aspect of marrage that incompasses many facets. Being horny is not a good reason for destroying your family. Buy a vibrator