I found out my husband cheated before we got married: Advice?

So I found some texts on my husband’s phone from a while back. And discovered he cheated on me with a women one weeks before asking me to marry him. We have now been married two years and have a son and are expecting another one. He told me I shouldn’t feel upset because it was years ago that it doesn’t matter our family matters. But I am absolutely crushed. I moved from my country to be with him. I gave up my home, my family, my savings, everything to be with him. And he does that and spends the next two years looking me in the eye like nothing happened. He wants to stay married. I don’t know what I want. I told him I wanted to leave for a few days to think, and he threatened to harm himself. I don’t know what to do. I’m so exhausted and feel so betrayed.

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I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Seems to me he is trying to say you’re feelings are invalid. And in all honesty if he’s threatening to harm himself if you leave, he’s doing it to gain control. I’ve been there, done that. Leave. The fact he’s looked you in the eye day in and day out for two years and said nothing means he doesn’t care. I’m so sorry.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I found out my husband cheated before we got married: Advice?

Sounds like classic emotional manipulation and abuse. You can choose to stay or leave and protect your peace. Good luck!

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Leave he is not good for you emotionally mentally and eventually it will turn physically

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The whole marriage was a lie. Sorry and good luck

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Seek professional counseling from a minister
Priest
Rabbi
Psychologist

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“Threatened to harm himself” … he is not mentally well.

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Emotional manipulation and abuse.

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Leave, he’s only saying that to make you feel guilty and stay. Don’t give in to it. He did you wrong not the other way around.

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He is ridiculous.tell him to grow up and act like a man. And take your few days away.if he does something to harm hisself id run.tells you he is a manipulator and wants to control you. Suggest therapy to him also.

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Hell no threatened to hurt himself leave take your kids and leave.

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My husband has threatened it multiple times. Hasn’t done it! And we are now separated… I reached a point where I’d tell him “I can’t stop you from harming yourself, but if that is what you choose to do…” aome may see that as heartless, but I see it as protecting my heart! You do what YOU feel is best for YOU!!!

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Maybe him cheating made him realize he messed up and that u were the only one he wanted and then he asked u to marry him. Obviously not in support of him cheating! But like maybe that’s how it went down. Has everything been fine the last few years between u two?

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if this was before you were married, then I would let it be, If this happened after you were married , then that is a different story, But the fact you stated you want to leave for a few days to think…again, that might be a good thing, But the fact he threated to harm himself, that’s on him, If you can get away with your kids & rethink, everything, including the fact he might or might not harm himself…which he is trying to enable you, That’s not good, Leave, just don’t tell him

Once a cheater always a cheater. 🤷

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My husband did the same, we will be married now 6 years this December. You have to decide in your heart if this is something you can forgive, can he be trusted? Has he done it since being married ? You have every single right to feel hurt and lied too and he needs to respect that. If you feel like you can make it past the initial shock and hurt communication is going to be key. Definitely find a counselor or therapist too to help you both work through it if you want to stay together. So many say once a cheater always a cheater and while for most yes thats the case it definitely is not always…

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You can choose to leave if that’s what you truly feel but is there proof these things continued after the marriage. Are you happy in the marriage. Is he a good father. IF he’s been nothing but faithful & loving since is it worth it to you to tear up the family.

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I wasn’t alarmed until you said he threatened to harm himself if you left.If it was before you married I would have said try to work through it. It may have been just sex and men have constant sexual thoughts and urges. Definitely go talk to a professional and hopefully he will join you.

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Call the police for self harm. That’s bs and toxic as fuck

I think this is definitely a situation that everyone involved needs to seek therapy.

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He won’t do anything to himself that’s manipulation at work, leave if you need a break.

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As you should girl. What he did is so wrong.

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I’m so sorry to hear that he’s done this to you do you feel that he’s been faithful since being married not that I’m dismissing him cheating before getting married but maybe being married he’s changed his ways and been fully faithful although I understand hat your saying he’s spent 2 years and said nothing because he knows that you would have left him already was he always faithful before marriage the threat of hurting himself is not good at all to manipulate the situation considering his actions are the reason your having to deal with this situation that he created

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Sounds toxic…you better have a talk with him. It’s your business not anyone else’s. Hope everything works out for ya

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You weren’t together then past is the past move forward with your husband and kids

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The narc alarm just went off :rotating_light:

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If he isn’t acting like it’s a big deal which he should be then you need to leave because he’ll do it again. Especially since he threatened to harm himself, that’s not safe for you or the kids. Leave leave leave!!

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I think when he cheated he realized he loved you and wanted only you.

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He’s an abuser.
This is the thing.
For him, this is the end of his paranoia of being found out. But this is the beginning of your pain. The beginning of you seeing him differently, beginning of you wondering what else you are unaware of.
Just because it’s been a while and he’s over it now, doesn’t mean you have to be.
Take all the time you need to heal. And do not allow anyone to tell you to get over it.
If he cannot help you through what’s he’s done to you and if he cannot take responsibility for his actions….drop that man.

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Threatening to harm himself seems like a control method to me. He needs to speak with someone as do you. Seek separate counseling and counseling as a couple.

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He is manipulating you during a time that you need to clear your head because what you thought your life was isn’t really. Take the time you need and leave. If he texts you that he is going to self harm then call local authorities and let them know that he is alone is threatening to do harm and need a wellness check up. Take the time you need. He knew it would be a problem that’s why he didn’t tell you and now he is trying to manipulate you into staying

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Don’t play his games. It’s all manipulation. 100%.
His actions now, prove that he is not sorry for what he did. He is sorry he got caught and now wants to play victim. Shut it down. Call to get him help. Don’t play into his bs

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Never ever let him tell you how to feel! You are entitled to your feelings and he cannot tell you not to be upset about something. My ex was that way and cheated on me all the time. Defensive, made me feel like I was overreacting or freaking out over nothing when in fact wasn’t out of my mind after all. Not saying that’s your situation at all, but I don’t take lightly to people telling me how I should feel anymore.

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For one you need to get him help if he’s talking that mess.
I’d be sad emotionally hurt too if he don’t see a problem with it then he’s just wrong as a man.

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Who keeps texts for 2 years? What made you decide to look?
Just trying to figure out if there was suspicion? Good luck!

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Let him harm himself, that’s his problem not yours, he probably is still cheating so LEAVE and focus on you and the kids!!

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He’s trying to manipulate you by saying he will harm himself. Tell him if his family is so important he wouldn’t threaten your children with harming himself!

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What happened BEFORE you were married should be left in the past!! Its what has happened since You have married that counts. Leave the past in the past and move on.

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The fact that he said he’d harm himself over you wanting a few days to process what you found out is a huge red flag. He won’t even allow you a couple days to get your head straight after finding out what he did. That’s straight up controlling and toxic

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He shouldn’t have thought it was okay to cheat on you at any point in your relationship. He trapped you with marriage, that doesn’t mean you have to stay. He knew what he was doing and he did it intentionally and now he is being manipulative by threatening to hurt himself, which he won’t. My ex tried to pull the same thing, threatened to kill himself, I said I hope you do (after finally being done with all his lying and cheating) & I left, 4 years later he’s still alive… It’s manipulation and narcissism. Take your break for as long as you need

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He’s gas lighting you. It doesn’t matter when it happened. It happened. You have every right to wanna leave. My ex husband used to threaten to hurt himself if I left. I would stay because even though I didn’t trust him and was unhappy, I didn’t wish harm on him. It got to the point that I finally said “go ahead and do it”, packed my shit, took the kids and left. It was a tactic. It’s been almost 6 years since I left him, now he’s ruining someone else’s life. Do what’s best for you. Personally, I couldn’t forgive someone who cheated.

If it doesn’t matter and your family matters - why did he do it?
I call bullshit.
Also threatening to harm himself is a dick move. He knows you care about him more then yourself and you need to show him otherwise.

OMG! My ex did this to me. I ended a 22 yr marriage for other reasons. He threatened self harm and I called the authorities. Five years later, he hates me. I am ok with his hatred, it gives him something to live for I guess. Seriously though, you do what is best for you. He did what was “best” for him when he cheated. He did not consult you :roll_eyes:. It is difficult to stay in a marriage where all is not well just because one has kids. Sooner or later the stress becomes too much if you cannot move past this. Kids pick up on the tension, it is not a happy situation.

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If it was before marriage and their was not any red flags after that he was up to no good I would just move forward.

People make mistakes and I know plenty that just wanted 1 last filing

Narcissistic alarm, he cheats, gaslights you, threaten to harm himself if you leave etc.

Please leave!

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I think you’ll find the answers you seek in the poetic anthem “Area Codes” by Sir Ludacris

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If u need to do you, do u, don’t let that talk hold u back hes a big boy, not a little boy, if he wants help that’s not healthy, hes trying to control u buy hurting himself, when u let him win over that than it’s over he’ll do it over and over and over and your stuck now. Hope things workout for u.

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Just leave screw that!!

Firstly, I’m so very sorry you are going through this whole being pregnant. You need to do what is best for you at this time no matter what he says… take your time to figure your feelings and thoughts out.

It’s important to address it and deal with it all now, no matter how long ago this happen YOU are feeling it all as If it just happened now. So, he needs to understand that and you both need to go though those motions.

Taking time for yourself is important to do at this time to get your thoughts and feelings in order. It’s very possible that he doesn’t know how to address this or handle it all because you guys have since built a family BUT, it happened and no matter how he feels he needs to know the damage he’s caused emotionally and the trust he will have to rebuild.

Sometimes people behave in ways we don’t understand when caught or wrong because they can’t handle the feelings they are experiencing. They don’t know what to do… it happens more often then we’d like to think. Unfortunately those are the gambles of life to know what’s someone’s true intentions…

With that being said; in no way is he right to say what he said and guilt trip you or make it seems as if the cheating doesn’t matter because it was a long time ago. He can be doing this because he doesn’t know what to do because in his mind you were never going to find out.

It can also be manipulation but that’s something that will show in time and if you haven’t experienced that this far then it can be other things not just that. People do and say crazy things in desperate times… just be cautious going forward.

Mistakes happen. Marriages aren’t perfect or always good. I’m sure you can get past if he and you are on the same page. Counseling can help as well. Best of luck

Remember, YOU and your baby are priority.

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Threatening to harm himself is abusive manipulation. A healthy person would not do that. Create your boundaries, and call an ambulance for him if you fear for his safety.

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Narcissism 101 threaten to harm yourself or gaslight to get out of taking responsibility. :woman_shrugging:t2: He won’t change and I recommend running while you can.

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2yeara texts hadi leo Sabina Saiti

He’s using a control tactic by threatening suicide which is the worst. You can’t be responsible for the choices he is making. Think you sacrificed too much already and he can’t give you a little space to figure things out? Don’t let him do that to you.

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Honey ive dealt with this from my ex husband. I was 1000% unhappy and everytime i would go to leave he would threaten suicide. I understand mental illness is a very serious illnesss but it got constant and i wouldnt leave out of fear of him killing hisself. One day i asked him y he kept doing this and he told me he knew as long as he threatened i wouldnt leave so i left. I understand he cheated but him threatening suicide is considered mental abuse to you darling. Tell him to get the help he needs and if not then i wouldnt stay. This is too much for u and 2 children

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Those things is already in the past as a woman. If we betrayed by the person that we love it’s really hard to forget those things. It’s better for you to talked with your husband about that. Ask him to gave you a space to thing and clear your mind. But don’t do anything that will brake your marriage… because your son will suffer too. Maybe from the very start you must settle everything before your mind become more toxic … Think positive those things is already in the past move on … your husband choose you over that crazy girl

Ask him for a hall pass and see if that matters

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Sorry but that’s not the only time he’s cheated if he’s coming out with self harm if u leave been there before

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So he had a relationship with someone before he even asked you to marry him, and now two years later you’re upset about it? Get over it. :roll_eyes:

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I could be wrong, but in my opinion him threatening to harm himself is a way of manipulating you into staying. My ex used to say he was going to kill himself every time I kicked him out because he screwed up for one reason or another. He would literally call me bawling his eyes out saying he was about to drive full speed into a wall or overdose on something. He always use it as a way for me to feel guilty and allow him back and at first it used to work. The more he did it the more I realized he was just the boy who cried wolf and it stopped working. He just found other ways to manipulate me though. Honestly even after I left him he did it for a while and sometimes I would fall for it and go and pick him up and allow him to stay for the night so that he could see his kids but as soon as he started acting like he was comfortable like I was letting him back in the home, I let him know he had to leave. Or he would start verbally abusing me again and I would tell him to leave. I didn’t feel like putting up with that crap when we were together, why he thought I would put up with it when we weren’t is beyond me. But I guess when you’re used to getting your way by using manipulation, that’s the first place you go to get what you want. He doesn’t do it anymore because I stopped reacting and started calling his bluff. I’m much more peaceful now that I’ve left him. But you’re going to have to make a decision here whether you want to forgive him and move on, or whether you want to leave. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to want a few days on your own to think about things and process the news. If he supposedly loved you enough to ask you to marry him then how could he cheat on you literally right before that. What is different now? There must have been something that happened recently for you to be willing to go through two and a half years worth of his text messages to find this. If I’m wrong and it was just some random thing, then maybe you should try to go to counseling and work it out because you do have two children together. If you were previously happy before this then maybe you owe it to the relationship to see if it is something that you can heal from and move on from so you don’t have any what ifs later. Either way it’s a completely personal choice and for him to try to manipulate you into doing what he wants is completely selfish and immature. I wish you luck I can’t imagine how much that must have been a punch to the gut to find out.

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I would leave. He is trying to manipulate you by threatening to harm himself. And him basically saying you shouldn’t be mad cause it’s in the past is not right. This is a form of abuse. Don’t stay cause he is threatening you.

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Move onits in the past

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It was before you were married, let it go

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I would be so hurt I would have to leave… the trust is gone

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Threatening to harm himself is a sign of him being a manipulator. That’s one way they get you to stay.

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Run. He’s noT accepting accountability for his actions and what’s worse is trying to force you to stay with threats. Take your kids and leave.

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Him harming himself is not your fault, leave. What he does bc of his own actions is not your fault :woman_shrugging:t2: what else has he lied about thinking you would never know

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I think it’s best you go ahead and leave for a few days. You need some time away from him to process this and then you can make your decision. I would be absolutely devastated and feel 100% betrayed. If he threatens to take his life again if you leave, you are his wife, you can have him committed. You really do need to take some time away, that is crucial to many many things. So, if you really feel like he will harm himself, have him committed and then take your time away. I honestly couldn’t tell you what I’d do as far as divorcing or not because I’ve never been there, but that’s what you need the time away for. You’re going to have to figure out if you can forgive him and move on from something like this eventually, or not. I wish you the best either way you go💙

I was told “if you go looking for problems, you’re going to find them.”

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Seems like it didn’t mean much to him if there were no more messages or contact between them and he seems to be totally devoted to you and your children - people make mistakes in life and it was actually before he even proposed to you for your hand in marriage and maybe him making that mistake made him realize and know that you were his one and only - forgive and let it go but forgiving is not for him it’s for your own well being for if you decide to dwell upon one mistake it’s going to destroy you from the inside out and destroy your family. If he has done nothing since then let it go and enjoy the fact that he has indeed been faithful to you since the day he asked for your hand in marriage. Don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill when it doesn’t need to be. Good luck in whatever decision you make.

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Reguardless of when the cheating took place before or after the real question is can you forgive him and move on? If you stay it means you can move past this and live a life together without bringing this up constantly. If not…leave and worry about yourself and your children. Best of luck

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You need to leave and have space for a well thought out decision… and honestly if that’s his reaction to you needing space after finding this out, maybe that’s the answer you need to leave.

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Are you happy and compatible?
Yes?
Stay and work on it.
No?
Leave.
He lied, cheated, and betrayed your trust.
Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to be upset about what happened.
You don’t have to just get over it. And you shouldn’t be expected to.
Him harming himself is not your responsibility.
Don’t allow him to put that weight on you.
That would not be your fault.
It’s a manipulation tactic.

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If he’s threatening to harm himself he needs an evaluation. You can call police for that. Manipulation and emotional abuse. Take your kids and go

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My husband went on a date a few days before our marriage. To be sure this is what he wanted. He hadn’t been with another woman in 8 years before we got together.

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So he cheats and doesn’t tell you. Asks you to marry him still keeping the cheating a lie. You find out and it’s no big deal to him. If it were no big deal then why didnt he tell you about it ? Threatening to self harm? His a control freak. You wont trust him now. He hasn’t even apologised has he ? A ring and wedding certificate won’t make a difference. X

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Nah, if it were me, I would react the same way. He cheated on you a week before asking you to marry him? He felt guilty and only proposed to make himself feel better, not just because he actually wanted to marry you. That’s just my opinion tho. Sounds like a terrible dude, I would leave. You got this, mama.

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If I was you I would leave him, file for divorce and call the cops and let them know he threatened to harm himself and maybe they will contact a psychiatric place and have him committed until he’s not a harm to himself and file for full custody of the children

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Threatens to harm himself?? Fucking leave. He’s manipulating

Mmmm I’m sorry hun. He sounds like a “great” catch.

Don’t believe for one second your hurt feelings aren’t justified. It could’ve been 20 years ago! The fact that he didn’t comfort, console nor so apologize with all his being should tell you ALL you need to know.

I believe people can change, THEY have to reflect from within & want to be better. He cannot be forced.

You are worthy of a man who values your time, your love, & your willingness to sacrifice your body for his children. If you don’t feel your time & love is being reciprocated, nor do you believe you can move past it-RUN FAR FAR AWAY. What he threatens to do is ON HIM. You cannot allow him to keep you there as a hostage on a suicidal threat because he can’t man up, sincerely apologize & “fight” to win you back.

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He won’t harm himself that is a ploy

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I would NOT stay with him. He’s manipulative. I’d be gone and take my babies with me. Save any messages he may send you about self harm and use that as grounds to take the kids. Once everything settles go to court to establish joint custody.

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So what if he’ll harm himself? It’s his decision and you should not take responsibility for that. He is being manipulative and you should’ve recognized that.

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He said you shouldn’t feel upset that he lied and betrayed your trust? Regardless of the timeline or when it happened he cheated and humiliated you. Saying he’ll harm himself as a manipulation tool to keep you to stay is more of a reason why you should leave

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If he’s threatening to kill himself when you want to leave to think for a few days he is gaslighting you. Leave and go for a few days anyways he will not harm himself. My ex threatened the same thing and I didnt care I left and he’s still alive. It’s what they do to manipulate.

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Who they are before you get married, is who they’ll be when you’re married. The dating part is the interview, had you know this before you got married would you have married him? The fact that he also hid it and you had to find out about it speaks volumes. Him threatening to harm himself over bus choices is abusive and gas lighting. I’d be out.

Whoa. Threatening to harm himself is a major red flag! Get out now girl! He’s a narcissist! Run and run as far and as fast as you can!

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I would leave yesterday

I’m glad he got caught. Dumb ass didn’t delete his dirty mess from years ago…. Babe, that is a sign in itself.

I would deff leave. Cheating no matter how long ago is cheating. I would never look at them the same and would always be paranoid and hurt

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It was before he asked you to marry him. Maybe he was just making sure you were the one for him. Get some counciling.

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Cheat on him back n see how he feels

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Why does he have those messages in his phone still after all this time?

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Him threatening to harm himself is manipulative behavior and I don’t like that.

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First off …your snoop…second do you think your marriage can be reconciled?..do you think it’s worth saving??.. I tell you what all trust is gone from both sides…it’s never gonna be same again…and him threatening himself…control freak…it’s an aspect of abuse…get a lawyer get a divorce…

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I had the same thing. I traveled 15 hours far away from my home to this strange country for him. Then got cheated, abused and after 2 attempted suicide, I decided love myself and call it quit. We have 2 beautiful children together. But now he’s married again to a woman from his country and culture. I’ve got nothing from that marriage even the custody of kids just because I’m a foreigner here. Just move on with your life. They’re not worth it. It hurts. But they at least got what they deserved.

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For all you woman that says it was in the past ,it was before you were married so let it go …screw that you were in a committed relationship and he cheated …he let you marry him under false pretenses .you though you were marrying a honest faithful man and in reality you were marrying a lying cheater …him saying that he will hurt himself if you left is a way to control you take your child and leave .do some really hard thinking do you want to stay married to someone that lies ,cheated and controls you …or do you want to give/ show your children a better life show that that is not how you treat girls and show your baby girl that she don’t have to put up with a controlling lying cheater

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Leave him.
He’s trying to manipulate you.

Yeah if he says he will harm himself I would not overlook that agreed

Sheesh he’s gaslighting you. Toxic man. Do what you think is best for you.

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