I found out my husband has been going through my personal messages for years: Advice?

I recently discovered my husband has been going through my computer and phone. At first he lied and denied it of course (side note: he has lied before and we’ve discussed How important Honesty is). Once I showed him that I had proof on my computer that does back Months, he admitted to it. He also admitted to checking my phone “here & there” for Years. He looked at personal emails from before we ever met, my work emails, photos, fb messages (guys, girls, my daughter), texts, even called phone numbers that weren’t saved as contacts in my phone. He would get up super early or in the middle of the night or stay up late to go through it. I’m 100% honest with him about who I talk to, I don’t leave the house without him or kids, I don’t lock or hide my phone or computer, and he’s never asked if I was interested in someone else. I asked him what he found and he said nothing, yet he continued to look. & I don’t mean go glance, he searched “keywords”, archived, deleted, Everything. Best part, he doesn’t really think he did Anything wrong. He said “you didn’t have anything to hide so what does it matter?”. He is now blaming me for breaking up our family because I’m hurt and upset and can’t just “move on” like nothing happened. My location tracking on my phone was also turned on Two Years ago, he says he didn’t do it but the company says it Has to be Manually turned on. How do you move forward from this? How do you Ever trust again? I feel like I have no idea who I married or what else he will do.


Sounds like he is either guilty or insecure. Or is he a narcissist?


Counseling, but You can’t force him. So, You should go to know how to handle this situation.

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Oh my. Well i applaud you for standing your ground. If there was never cheating on your part or dishonesty on your part then why the stalking of your things?

I would not give him anything to fear.

That is his own insecurities coming out… but You might want to take a look at his phone because people also deflect their own guilt.


Girl… You made the right choice. What a cowardly weak pathetic man. Sorry but that’s the biggest violation and I would leave too.


Who cares, I leave my phone on my dresser and my husband looks through it and i always get his phone. I wouldn’t care. I dont have anything to hide. Neither does my husband

Run run far away. You married your stalker


Damn that is way too extreme.

Leave or insist that he leaves. Trust has been broken x

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If hes doing it to you then its a safe bet its bc he is hiding something from you. My ex never shared his passwords or passcodes w me but had all of mine. Also lots of my personal things “disappeared.” Which later he admitted to it.
Oddly he freely shares all that info w his new gf n kids. So do some spying on your own and stay prepared.

I would feel like my personal space has been invaded. It is not a question if you had something to hide…it is a trust issue. He found nothing but continued to do it? That is one insecure man. I would say…my turn now. Hand over your phone etc. You both need help …him to get over his insecurities…and you, to learn how to move past this…

Is he doing drugs ? Makes them.paranoid . My ex was using for 2 years without me knowing

Wow, is there something such as severely insecure? I believe his insecurities come from past experiences. These past experiences I think go back to his childhood. I am curious what his relationship is like or was like with his mother and the roll she played in his life. Anyhow, he definitely needs some type of therapy to get to the bottom of his problem.

This shit triggers my PTSD bad. I was with a man for 11 years who did things like this, it eventually turned into me not allowed to have a phone, I couldn’t call my family unless I.was on speaker phone and he was listening. Wasn’t allowed to have social media or friends, no access to the outside world whatsoever. It eventually escalated to him beating me daily and threatening me, then he tried to kill me with a box cutter. The only reason I got out alive is because I woke up to him dead from a heroin overdose. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. He seems controlling and I am scared for you, the more you let him get away with the more he will control you until you are an abused mess afraid to leave.

He didn’t … sorry but if he’s been hurt in the past he’s got to keep up… with the way world is these days partners sneaking around n stuff on the fly… but he could be doing it … why not look at his stuff too. If he can you can too … works both ways.

Id say a guilty conscience speaking of his actions and since u don’t want to move on what an easy way for him to point blame


Just wrong. Everyone deserves privacy and there should be undeniable trust. So sounds like HE broke the trust and you need to decide what u want…

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The problem is in his head. His trust has been broken or he is insecure for some reason. This could be rooted deep. He needs to work on himself.

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Sounds like he has a few different wives he is vontrolling

Ask him why? Remind him that his incessant need to ‘check up’ on you is HIS problem, not yours. Remind him that you’re adults and you cant control each others actions, only the way you respond to them. So if he were to cheat that’s his choice to do so, its then YOUR choice how you will respond. Forgive him, counseling, leave him? So in this situation it’s totally his choice to continually be distrustful with no valid reason. And it’s your freedom to respond however you see fit. He doesnt have to like your response but he DOES have to respect it. He can only change the outcome by changing his behavior. And if he doesnt change his behavior then he better be prepared for the consequences. :heart:

It’s his own insecurities that are coming out. He is obviously threatened by your confidence and Independence. Something deep within him is going on that’s why he’s focusing on you that way he doesn’t have to look at himself.

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Thats beyond disrespectful and proves hes never trusted you. Thats a problem. Way too stalkerish …Yikes.


My bf and I do it all the time with no shame. I don’t have anything to hide so I don’t care :woman_shrugging:t4:

I suggest you go thru his, cause there is a reason he keeps checking yours.


He tells lies where the truth would fit better…you can’t trust him PERIOD


Without trust in a relationship, you have nothing, and it’s usually the one doing something wrong that exhibits that behavior. Run far and fast!


Lol look at the lady’s all salty …:joy::joy::joy:


Obviously he’s a narcissist


You move on by changing your number and getting a new phone. to begin with there was never trust because if he had to go through your phone all these years it says a lot.


He doesn’t respect boundaries. Start doing the same intrusive stuff to him… you’ll see just how fast he reacts to a dose of his own medicine.

In my own experience, people go searching when they feel like they have a reason to. It could stem from something you’ve made him feel, the way you acted, or it could stem from past experiences.

I would simply sit down and have a conversation with him about why he feels the need to search through your stuff. Do attack or yell, just talk.

I’ll give you an example: my ex-husband cheated on me multiple times. It caused me to not trust many people. I don’t mean to place judgement on anyone, but there are times where I feel insecure and non-trusting, so I may ask my current husband questions when I know in my heart nothing is going on. He responds sensitive to my concern and knows where it came from.

My ex partner of four years did this…turned out he was the one cheating and going behind my back so he assumed if he can get away with it so easy maybe I was doing it to.

I had full trust in him until the moment I found out.
I was pregnant we were engaged and I walked away.
Sometimes it’s the best thing to do

How would he feel if the table was reversed???

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Trust issues
Was he cheated on in the past?

I personally have no problem if my other half was going through my stuff like that… I have nothing to hide…

Honey, take the advice from someone who lived with that bullshit for more than 20 years … say goodbye and don’t look back. You deserve better!


He’s probably cheating and trying to blame you


Either he’s guilty( try looking at his phone) or he has severe


He showed you what he is and you ignored it - now leave or decide you don’t deserve better. Those are your two choices


Seems like he has some trust issues…I can only suggest some marital counseling. I mean if he means a lot to you counseling is probably a good idea whether it’s one on one or together.

I cant say anything because my husband has been doing this for years to me and he still does. .I have nothing to hide my phone is never locked but he reads messages between me and my mom and me and my sister and my bestfriend he has to know everything that is said no matter who I talk to even when I get off the phone he has to know who it was and what all was said and if I dont tell him he swears I have secrets and will keep pushing the situation until I get pissed and blow up on him and then tell him

Oh hell no!!
Is he worried about him stalking you if you decided to leave him.

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Darlin if he is snooping hoping to catch you. well I think it’s time to look at what he has been up to. He has never trusted you to me that’s a deal breaker.


Sounds like a man with something to hide. However, this is about his own insecurities and what he knows he’s done.


My fiance can look through all my stuff whenever he wants and I through his. Im not sure where the problem with this is. Good luck to you though maybe hes just insecure for some reason? I hope hes good to you though.

If you don’t lock any of your devices and he’s still snooping into your phone and laptop, he’s definitely guilty of something. And he’s just trying to find some sort of evidence to try and blame you.


I dont see anything wrong, if you dont have anything to hide then so what. I mean i wouldnt care to be honest. Whats the point in getting worked up about it if you have nothing to hide. I let my husband go through my phone whenever he wants , cause hey im faithful and we a couple he can look if he wants to.
I look through his too in return, doesnt mean we love each other any less. I have more valid reason to look but hey still we a couple if you so caught up in him looking at your stuff when hes your husband then obviously you need to reevaluate what it means to be in a relationship in my opinion. Cause if you together then there isnt any privicy. Like i tell my husband whats yours is mines and whats mines is yours.

He may be cheating. Or he could be very insecure. This isn’t normal. The lying isn’t healthy.


He may have issues, or he is up to no good. but really in marriage there should be no secrets. Was there anything to hide?!

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If you hear anything I say do not go back I had someone for 3 years that did this to me it got worse as it went along checking my last phone call following me things like that he won’t change the behavior stays the same

I’d say he’s cheating…check his lol. I know two wrongs dont make a right but a fox smells his own hole first

My ex did those kind of things…turns out he was the guilty one :woman_shrugging:

Girl :woman_facepalming:t5:, I don’t know what to tell you. Your husband so you figure it out

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I could see her feeling an invasion of privacy but if we are all honest, we have all done snoping

It’s projection. Go through his phone and messages. You will find a mistress. He’s trying to find a way out so you’re the bad guy and he seems blameless, because he’s feeling guilty for cheating.


He is guilty so he is trying to shift the blame on u. Clearly he is looking for something to hold against u. Perfect example of why I am single. Bullshit games and lied i will not put up with. It dont get better sister in fact.it get worse as time goes by grows like a snow ball rolling down hill. Good luck. Happy to not be married


I don’t see an issue so what


Maybe he’s done done things n has insecurities so he may assume that of you also? If you’ve confronted him and obviously done nothing wrong he needs to stop that checking up !! That’s not right making you feel like he’s untrusting !! I’d draw the line quit doing those things or ??

Lies and insecurities is toxic. He’s been like this before you met him. I don’t know what to tell you.


he has issues and I bet he’s cheated also on you…Ask him to teach you how to do the things he’s doing or find someone who will…and then search his ass and find out what you don’t know. I’d find someone to teach me so I could look before asking him, more than likely he’ll say no and delete everything before he shows you. Play the game with him and do to him see how he likes it after you’ve done it for a while. Then kick his ass to the road.


Sounds to me like he’s guilty himself and projecting onto you. He’s looking for a reason to leave maybe. Personally i could never trust him again.


Sounds like he’s a narcissist. RUN!


If you think he’ll change , think again!


Trade him in and set yourself free

Leave him there is no trust

He has a guilty conscience


Who cares, lol. He is your husband, you should not care, at least not enough to want to split up or act like he violated some kind of boundaries. You have nothing to hide anyway. Some people are just more insecure than other people and they feel the need to know everything about their spouse. I personally don’t see what the problem is. Me and my husband use the same passwords for all of our stuff.

Ask to look through evrrything of his if he plays up just fuck him off bye bye


He’s being unfaithful…


Lying!! So disrespectful and more lies not good…looking through your laptop and phone for years …major invasion of privacy…this doesn’t make him a narcissist…a lying bastard yes …he obviously doesn’t trust you he never has/did …I would talk with him and ask him to leave …you deserve better…if he stalks you get a restraining order…I don’t know if your in the U.K. but probably the same everywhere…good luck


The ones that usually are cheating accuse


This is controlling behaviour and is a huge warning sign. This person has no respect for you or your boundaries. Be very very careful x

My best advice is to turn and walk away. Looking ahead, isn’t always easy but it’s better than looking behind you.
Move on and if I were you, I’d be getting separate accounts- phone, bank etc.
you’re better off without having the extra stress and anxiety.
I was also told long ago, that if someone is doing that stuff to you, chances are, they are the ones guilty of doing things they shouldn’t. Good luck to you!

Whats the issue? If it eases his mind then let him continue. My husband and I do the same.

I believe that if there is no trust in relationship, it would be better to leave


So he can lie, but he can’t trust you? :joy: Maybe your husband is my boyfriend? He’s probably cheating too.

Well he is insecure and doesn’t trust you … and I hate to say this but you are equally responsible for this … you need to put extra efforts to mk him trust you
The reason why he sneaks on your computer and phone is bcz you hide it… give it a chance and share stuff with him share your password show him how much you trust and he should not be worried may be you wl see change eventually… gv him a chance


The thing is hez cheating on u…n thinkng evn ur cheatng on him…bcz ppl usualy think 4m der level…:blush: as dey do things the evn think dat other r same lyk him…

You have kids. Get counseling for you both as a couple and find out why he is untrusting. It could be something from his parents. Maybe one of them cheated or he has been cheated on before. I would try to save your marriage if there are no other issues. Especially if you have children. Try to get to the bottom of his issues. Good luck


I’ve been happily married for 35 yrs and my question is, why do you care? If you got nothin’ to hide, why give a.f.? Divorced folks go lookin for reasons to get divorced. Chill out, get some perspective and be thankful that he doesn’t do worse. Geez.

Please,pay attention to the signs honey this will not change


He’s feeling guilty about him cheating


Typical narcissist and psychopath. Cut contact.

I would have typed the same, four years ago…sick people.


Give him the arse my dear, I reckon he’s cheating on you. Yoh can do much better??

Let him go through yalls divorce papers


,while he should respect your right to privacy. .why does it matter if he looks . Sure u have nothing to hide right? He is your husband there should be nothing off limits. Does he have cause to be looking? Did something happen in past to make hi. Think he needs to check. If not . Don’t sweat the small stuff .let him look .

You need to ask him to give you full access to all of his gadgets.Bet he wouldn’t. He would sing all kinds of tunes why not.
The mere fact that he said he has not found anything YET says volumes. Cheats and liars always expect others to do likewise.
All this time and he found nothing yet still continues. Sister if you cannot see his that is the perfect time to do checks and balances in that so called relationship. Makes no sense being there if there is no trust. He is a sick man.What next will he do? He might demand a cavity search on return from an errand or something

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My husband told me when we first met he was an open book I could look thru anything of his any time I wanted bc he has nothing to hide ever… So if he went thru mine I wouldn’t care there’s nothing there he can’t see… When you have nothing to hide you hide nothing

My ex did the same thing and he was the one who had been cheating on me the entire marriage with his ex wife :pensive: he admitted that he was trying to find something to use against me so he could leave me , but couldn’t find anything so he finally confessed after 3 years . Good luck sweetie and I hope you figure it out :purple_heart:

He is insecure and probably doing shit himself. I wouldn’t break up but he needs to get past his trust issues or stop doing what he is doing that makes him feel as if u are doing them.

He is cheating on you. I guarantee it. His lack of trust comes from what he is doing himself.

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Thank God I kicked my boyfriend’s ass out of my house.No more.

People who do this, are the one having secrets… They become suspicious of everyone else, thats why they are looking if you are doing something wrong … I know… been there :cry:

Could be a very dangerous situation; even if it isn’t be careful and inform your family/friends of the situation: if a partner can behave in this way there are lots of red flags.

That is creepy. Dude needs some therapy.

Covering for himself?

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honestly I see no problem with it. Yeah I mean it’s sad he didn’t trust you, but there may be more going on for him that he is unaware of or doesn’t know how to handle and he does it to keep himself sane. I mean honestly my husband has done it too and I don’t care. Like okay. It’s not a constant thing, but he’s done it. He also has had self-esteem issues and I think it’s what caused him to look, that or he was just curious who knows. I’ve done it before too. I don;t think it’s something worth leaving over and he definitely needs help in figuring out why he does what he does and to gain trust. I think you need to be there and help him instead of being mad at him for what he’s done. This is just my opinion though.


Stalker much! Really creepy.