So after I got pregnant, I discovered the father of my child was married. I’m a very timid person and do not like conflict, so I asked him to walk away to spare his wife. He is not on the birth certificate but says he wants to be in his daughter’s life secretly and doesn’t want to walk away. She is almost seven months old. I filled for cs, and he flipped out, saying I was destroying his life, so I closed the cs case. He hadn’t seen her since October because he lived in another state and was in my state briefly for work when I got pregnant. I believe my daughter deserves more than this. He has sent money, but I am not after that and want him physically in her life more than financially. I’ve been thinking of cutting all communication with him and forcing him to walk away since he can’t man up and tell his wife or manage to come to see his child. Am I wrong for this? I just don’t like the hovering and never knowing what’s going to happen next.
File for child support and fck what he thinks or says! He NEEDS to financially support that child! Maybe he shouldn’t have strayed from his marriage but it’s NOT your problem!
Ask for all or nothing. Go to court and get scheduled visitation. If he doesn’t withhold his end of the bargain then break it off completely. Your daughter does deserve a full time father. Not just when it’s convenient
You need to tell his dang wife before anything else you’re sounding like a doormat
Do the child support. He screwed up his marriage when he decided to have an affair.
You are in the right track keep it up! Its be in your daughter’s life physically or not all…
I was apply child support and I would tell his wife. How dare he
You shouldn’t make him leave his wife but I agree file for child support if his wife finds out o well he shouldnt have cheated
Do what’s right for you and your child, file the child support, it is his responsibility to step up, if he didn’t want this outcome he shouldn’t have done it simple, if you cheat and get someone pregnant take the fall for it.
Tell him to either sign the form to walk away legally or file for child support.
You didn’t ruin his life… he did. If he loved his wife he wouldn’t be in this situation.
Don’t let him float in and out as he sees fit. Your daughter deserves better.
Tell his wife! And then file for child support. Screw him. Hes a pos cheater.
Go after child support she deserves it anf his wife should know
Explain to him that if he can’t afford time for his child, he doesn’t need to be around. That your child doesn’t need what I call a “lightswitch father” who only comes around at his own convenience and by allowing him to choose before you choose for him you’re protecting your baby.
File for child support and file for custody. He needs to man up. Your child deserves to know her father and his family
Sometimes its best to let them be.
If your child wants contact when older then thats upto them to decide.I would take and Save the money in her own account for when shes older.
His wife needs to know and he needs to step up. It wont be the end of the world when she finds out. Life Will go on and it will work out. Its not your fault he cheated on his wife.
File for child support, your child deserves it, I’d be telling his parents they have another grandchild too, not fair that they are missing out, wife needs to know, cause who knows if he has other children to other woman too.
Get your child support and cut him off tell his wife and walk away x
You need to forget him. If he were a real man ready to father your child he would bring it to his wife. You shouldn’t be the only one paying. Esp if he wants rights.
You need to file for full custody and explain in detail to the judge. If the judge gets that the child is kept a secret by him you will get full custody.
You asked him to “walk away to spare his wife” so no you shouldn’t have filed for child support. You should’ve told the wife a longggg time ago.
You & him…not gonna happen. Your daughter deserves support and dignity. He ruined his own life by cheating, this is just a natural consequence of sex.
Pretty sure he destroyed his own life when he cheated on his wife. This is not the baby’s fault. Don’t let him bully you. Do what’s best for you and your child.
Either you make him come out and come clean and make the time for his daughter or you tell him to walk away forever and leave it up to your daughter when she is 18 to have contact or not
Wow…he sounds like a real POS. Id tell the wife (she deserves to know) and file for CS or full custody
Shouldve told his wife the day you knew. Take that child support and ruin his life sis.
His wife deserves to know the truth ! He’s a coward I hate men like him they are manipulative. They always want shit their way
Either he goes on record with real cs (and “ruin his life”) or he can fk off. You can’t have your cake and eat it too… even if he kinda already did.
Forget that he’s just like in controlling the situation. He destroyed his own life when he decided to cheat on his wife. I would file for child support it’s not your fault that he made a decision. Especially if you didn’t know. Then he’ll have the decision whether or not he wants to be a part of your child’s life without all the games he is trying to play. Which I’m going to guess if he stays with his wife that’s just going to be a struggle with the relationship anyways. What do what’s right for it your child. He was a grown man he made his decisions now he needs to deal with them. If you had to choose between. This is the only way to tell if he’s going to be any kind of father. Your daughter don’t deserve a part-time father who just wants to show up when it’s convenient for him so he can keep his marriage. The best of luck. I have been there I had to finally make the decision for my child
take him to the cleaners
He did this to himself ! File again asap , dont feel guilty your baby deserves better.
It’s not your fault or the baby’s fault he made bad life choices and got caught. Apply for child support and tell him to man up.
I’m pretty sure this story is old as I’ve read it before
His wife deserves to know the kind of man she is with. I’d be telling her. And filing for child support.
It sounds like your taking his wellbeing and putting it before yours and your daughters. Maybe your hoping he will leave his wife for you. In any case wouldn’t work, once a cheater always a cheater. Do what you need to do for you, aside from him.
It sounds like this man is a user and mislead you from the start. Which tells me he is also a liar not only to you but also to his Wife and Newborn Child. Oh I would file. You, your child and his Wife needs to know. After all is out in the open , I think everyone will be better for it. You have a precious child and it must come first before everyone. Then you all can heal.
You tell his wife the truth, file for child support & he can do what he likes but he has financial responsibilities to his child.
What happen to girl code… a women has been betrayed
Cut all ties with him. You and your daughter deserve better.
I honestly wonder how many other kids men like this might have when they play this game. Refile for child support and stop contacting. His wife will find out from the money missing from checks and will be up to her how she deals with it after that.
I am the wife in a very similar situation. I noticed you said come here, to see his daughter. My question is, can he have the visitation with his baby away from you. You two do not need to have a relationship or even see each other for her father to know his daughter. There are legal ways to have custody and visitation established without expecting his wife to deal with him and you when the trust was already broken.
Make him man up and support her and agree on custody arraignments or cut him out completely. Allowing your daughter to be in his life as a secret would do more harm than good. Imagine her being 15 and finding out that she is his “secret love child”.
His marriage and betrayal is not your fault. Get your cs if you need it and let him handle his wife. This baby deserves a dad.
He should of thought of the when he cheated on his wife ! Not your issue
He destroyed his own life you didnt hold him down and rape him. You also didnt go after him knowing he was married. He should have kept it in his pants do what is best for you and your child
Do what is best for the child. And only you as her mother knows what that is. We don’t. Would you want to know your father? I know I would.
It would be wrong of you to cut communication. What is best for your daughter is to have a consistent father in her life and it should be his choice to walk away not yours. Think about telling her as a teen that you were the one that cut her father out of her life. I would file for child support and I would tell the wife as he obviously wont. After that it’s up to him.
It’s laundry day!
Best of luck to you and yours!
File for child support let his wife find out the hard way she deserves to know the truth
Every action has a consequence whether it is good or bad. He knew he was married, he’s the one who took the vow and he’s the one who has to face the consequences of his actions. You cant force someone to be a dad but you can make him help even if it is monetary. I understand you are timid but once you have a child, that goes out the window. You stand your ground and do what’s best for your daughter.
If you came clean you might get the cs out of it, you might not… But that’s not what you’re worried about. If you tell his wife he’ll probably be so mad at you he won’t be in her life anyway. If his wife is happy being oblivious then let her be. Tell him to either make the choice to tell his wife so he can start paying child support, and y’all can come to a custody agreement and if he doesn’t want to do that he can sign his rights away and the wife never has to know.
Hes a pos
Walk away,cut all ties,hes toxic.
That’s wrong. If you really didn’t know then it’s not your fault. But what’s done is done. Take the financial help. It’s his responsibility to. You filed for cs so you obviously need it, don’t put his wants before y’all’s. Tell his wife to. She needs to know. She’s a part of this and not telling her is fd up.
Not telling his wife isn’t sparing her. It’s stealing time from her life that she could be deciding for herself to stay with the man who cheated on her or to walk away.
Your child is not and should not ever be a secret. If he wants to be around, be around. Open your child support case again because that isn’t your money, it’s your child’s. If that screws up his life then so be it. He doesn’t get to do what ever he wants and have no responsibility for the end result.
Who cares about his wife , shes not your problem , your child is your main concern, id refile for papers have him served and if he cant handle that like a man then he can sign his writes, your responsibility is your child,
Id make him tell his wife or you will, because we all know he is at fault but you now also know he is married so how would you feel put your self in her position? As much as it would hurt wouldnt you wanna know if the love of your life ended up a cheater
You have zero right to kick him out of his daughters life. I think the real issue is you want him to be apart of your life. It’s not a package deal. File for child support, give him visitation, and move on with your life. That’s between him and his wife, not you! I don’t believe that you didn’t know he was married as you’re overly invested in his marriage now. Let the courts handle this.
File for child support. He needs to grow up and be responsible for he’s actions. If he’s wife finds out then so be it. It’s not your fault and he shouldn’t have cheated on he’s wife and he should have been honest with you.
Girl do you. That baby is YOURS. If you want him to be involved, the wife is gonna have to know. Period. He cant have it both ways. You might have to be comfortable with him having visitation with the wife. What a shit person he is. Cheated on his wife that you didnt know about makes a whole nother family and wants to be involved “secretly” fuck that shit. Shes worth more than that and his family deserves to know. Either walk away, or all in. Dont let him dictate how much hes gonna be involved. All or nothing. And if it’s nothing. That means the child support too. That baby was made for you.
I think you should have him to sign away his parental rights and move on. Tell him if he doesn’t sign the papers voluntarily then you will take him to court for child support and let his wife know what’s going on. From the sounds of this you didn’t know him very well when you got pregnant and how much do you really know about him now? Would you ever be comfortable with your baby going to their house by herself for visits? Because that’s exactly what can happen.
I’d make the SOB pay child support!
The most important thing to remember is that there is a child involved and I know she is only 7 months now, but imagine when she’s 7 and she’s got a dad that keeps her a secret and only visits when he twists a web of lies so his family doesn’t find out she exists… I feel that kind of relationship would be damaging for anyone never mind a child that can’t really comprehend what’s going on.
I’d either file for CS and let the wife find out completely, that way he can make a decision to be in the child’s life openly, or I’d cut ties.
The most important person is your daughter in all of this. Not his feelings, not his wifes and unfortunately not yours either…
Your responsibility is solely to your daughter. His marriage has nothing to do with you or her. File for child support and let him handle his marriage on his own. This way you’re giving him the legal opportunity to be apart of his daughter’s life financially and physically. If he chooses to forfeit those rights (visitation) so be it. At least you did your part for your daughter. Again, it’s his obligation to inform his wife. This is not your burden.
File with CS again, and if he tries to talk you out of it, tell him, you either be in our daughter’s life, or I go through with Child Support Recovery. If he abandons his daughter, you get him back by screwing with his life and forcing him to at least support her. You can’t really force someone to do something they don’t want to do, except pay child support.
First your child is a blessing not a secret dont let anyone including you treat her as such .
Second his wife may not be the healthiest person to be around the child if he did get some sort of visitation due to his betrayal, be sure your child is not in the middle of thier marital issues.
Third unless your financially stable on your own your child deserves to be financially supported by her father so she can have all her needs met as she grows , don’t let his selfish acts and needs keep your child from getting what she needs .
Fourth, Treat yourself as her valuable mother and dont let him or anyone devalue you or use you any longer, you now belong to your child and her needs from you come first so make sure Her mother is being treated well .
Dont be vengeful be purposeful and your purpose is your child .
Oh hell no she doesn’t deserve to stay with a cheating sack of
First off if he cheated with you, you aren’t the only one & won’t be the last. If he leaves his wife for you which sounds like what you want, he did it with you he will do it to you. File and bring it all to light, he will either man up or move on.
I would not concern myself with when or how the wife finds out. Given he lives in another state and you are wanting him to have more physical contact with your daughter and he is not on birth certificate nor paying child support I would really consider rethinking all of this and my reasoning why is are you ready for his wife to find out and she possibly forgive him and want to work through their marriage AND then possibly having to share some sort of custody and then your daughter back and forth? Are you mentally and emotionally ready for that given you have been physically, emotionally and financially taking sole responsibility and care of your daughter? Then who is to say if wife finds out she leaves and he is angry with you and still does not come around to see your daughter. I would let him come when he can to see her let him see her growth and changes and then see what he does. I only say that to you to make sure you really think all the different situations and scenarios out before making a decision that you would later regret. Laws in each state are very different and you don’t know what he could be granted. Obviously you didn’t know he was married who’s to say what else you don’t know because fact is you just don’t know! He may have alot more to hide and your daughter is not worth the don’t knows!
You owe him nothing if he lied to you! You better look at taking care of your child! Child support! If he wants to be a part of her life, so be it! Wake up!
The fact that you did not put him on the birth certificate and dropped the child support leads me to believe that you knew all along he was married. I’m not throwing stones but you were ok being second and you will soon realize that your daughter deserves to come first. She didn’t create this mess. Tell him to give you a set amount to support his daughter CONSISTENTLY and no he can not see his daughter until he mans up and tells his wife. It’s not blackmail because he put himself in this situation and you helped him, your daughter is innocent and doesn’t deserve any of this. What she does deserve is to be financially taken care of by the responsible party. Why would you want him in her life if he wants her to be a secret?? Step up from intermittent side piece to momma bear.
If he is not committed to his daughter than cut him out before your daughter is old enough to notice his absence and will suffer from it.
Are you serious ? He needs to pay for his daughter . Sorry but he shouldn’t have cheated on his wife .
You are not wrong at all, look after your daughter.
Go through with CS. File for a paternity test if need be. Give your child the chance to know her father. It’s his responsibility to pay CS & be part of the child’s life even if its minimal. If he chooses not to at least it wont fall back on you. He made his bed now it’s time for him to face it!
Sounds like there’s been a lot of hostile actions between the two of you. If you want this to work out the best way possible for your daughter, that needs to end.
First things first, if he plans on being more than a paycheck to the daughter he and you created, he needs to fess up to his wife. That’s probably why he got upset when you filled for CS. He can’t hide $450 disappearing every month. What happens after that happens, so he needs to decide which is more important, his current life and family, or how illegitimate daughter. Respect the fact that that’s not an easy decision. He made a stupid and selfish decision getting with you, and trying to man up to a mistake that could cost you everything is not a simple flip of the switch.
Secondly, you need to decide how you’re going to manage YOUR relationship with him. You guys have a child together. You can’t just ignore each other. So decide how cordial you want to aim to be with him and work towards it. You don’t have to be best friends, but you do gotta make it work.
Lastly, don’t decide whether to cut him out of her life or not as if it’s a punishment. That’s cruel to your daughter and him AND just in general fucked up. His position in her life should be based on what’s healthiest for your daughter. Anything less than that, and you’re no better than all those street baby Mama’s who hang their child over their father’s head as if they’re on a fishing rod.
Be the mother your daughter needs, not the mom you want to be.
First of all, you did not know he was married. You did nothing wrong. Stop trying to protect his wife from something that she doesnt need to be protected from. You did not know about her and you owe her no explanation. He does. You are a mother now. Reopen the child support case and let things fall as they fall. You need financial help. It doesn’t sound as tho he will be there physically so get that help that c/e will be. Cut your ties unless he changes. Its hard being a single parent but its harder to be the innocent and be treated to all this game playing, guilt ridden bs that it is involving you in. Bye father. Cut your ties and i pray you find your sweet baby a DADDY who will be there for all the tomarrows!! Good luck!! You can do it and don’t look back!!
Oh honey! Excuse my language but fuck him and go for child support. Screw his life up who cares! He knew he was married dont spare him! He can either man up and be a father and he can support the child.
File for child support, no secrets. OR just vanish from this married man’s life. He comes clean or nothing. It will become real complicated if you allow him to see your daughter. You are hoping for allot if you think he will be physically active with your daughter. He might sneak around but his wife will find out. You don’t want to live like that. Always in the closet, no one can know about you or your daughter. You are better than that Hon!!
He ruined his life when he stepped out on his wife!!
I wouldn’t want someone in my child’s life who has to keep her a secret… What kind of life will that be when she gets older and asks why she can’t go stay at her dads… That’s not cool. I wouldn’t let him be in her life then cause she deserves better!
He should of thought about that before adultery. If he can lay ,n sleep with you n ,make a child .He should deal with he’s wrong but, still be there for your child n, pay he’s part.You play ,you pay. It takes two to raise a child n, if he can’t step up n, be a man .I say bye bye.
I’d tell his wife myself.
I think you should re-open the child support case and file for full legal custody. Any man that truly WANTS to be there for their child wouldn’t mind paying child support and wouldn’t be embarrassed of them.
He is not on the birth certificate so walk away. Cut off all contact. Sounds like he does not deserve to be in her life. X
He already wasn’t a good guy by sleeping with u while he was married, so most likely he won’t be a good guy with u n his kid…I would have him give u some money once a month for her, but if he didn’t want to be in her life then I would cut him out! also I would tell his wife the baby is his, I think she should know her husband is a cheating asshole…
Omg girl I’m here for this, but our situation is slightly different though not by much. My advice: take the money, stop concerning yourself with what he does, focus on your child. Your stress over him and his visit will effect the babe so stop and focus on just you and the child. It’s hard… I still want my baby’s daddy to see his girl but in the end there’s literally nothing you can do about it and stressing over it will only negatively effect your child. You do you mama.
he deserves to be outed, put him on child support. his wife will find out which she deserves to know. its disgusting that someone would try and hide their child.
Do not cut him off! Your daughter will need and want him as she gets older. Unfortunately you might just have to make the most out of the situation. Take care of your self and mental health, so when you meet a good man you can have a family with him. Trust me there is a man out there that will love you and your baby girl. Good luck sending you good vibes you can do this
Open that case back up, im sure that will let the wife know then he wont have to keep his daughter a secret. He knew he was married not you so he fucked his own life up. Dont let him keep her a secret you would be better off cutting ties.
You didnt destroy his life, he made that choice, personally i would tell the wife because if i was her i would want to know what lying sack of ahit my husband was and then i would file for cs
No, there’s no secret child. He needs to step in and up and be a father and support this child emotionally, financially and everything or step out and sign away rights. That’s between you and him.
Walk away it’s not worth the drama if you can with out his money
sorry but sounds likeyou were just someone to keep his bed warm while he worked away but now you’ve seen who he is it’s time to grow a back bone and tell his wife because she’s deserves to know no matter how she takes it don’t let your daughter grow up being her dad’s dirty little secret you’ll most likely find out your not his first affair and you won’t be his last he’s given you 2 options because in both HE WINS! Don’t play the game stand up for yourself and your daughter
Honestly I feel sorry for his wife. I would reopen the case, so that she will find out. She does need to know, and any man that wanted to be in his child’s life - would be.
He’s controling you. He’s choosing when & if to support his child & how much. When & if to see his child & how often. There’s no penalty for either. Honestly court orders aren’t really going to do much better. It will involve his wife. If you learn anything from this group the SO of the father love to hate the mother of the child. Do you want that? If he doesn’t pay a set amount you’ll get his tax return if he gets 1. A child support order gives him certain rights. He’ll be able to take your child to his state. He’ll be able to make decisions like if you’re allowed move, medical, educational. If you don’t get him legally named as the father your future husband can adopt your daughter without his say. It’s not black & white. There’s pros & cons both ways. I’ve done it both ways. Personally it’s easier not to have him named the father. You can parent your child how you wish without him controling you.
I’m a b*tch I’d get a DNA test and hand it to the wife not even for the fact of wanting him there but more so to let her know she married a cheater. I would however explain you did not know he was a married man until after the fact and that you aren’t looking for anything.
Walk away. Children’s shoulders aren’t built to bear the weight of their parents problems. No child deserves to be kept a secret
If I was the wife, I’d want to know.
Stop so it’s ok for him to Ruin your life and your daughters life but his life can just be spared and he can just go on everything being OK and peachy in his life please
You are not destroying his life. File the child support woman, you already know what kind of man he is so do the right thing for you and and your baby.