Talk to him. Talk WITH him. Talking involves listening, BTW. And acknowledge that he is the reason you are a SAHM. Life is hard, and marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100.
Consider this: men feel things differently and their actions reveal that. Obviously he is committed to staying married but it appears to me he resents the turn his life has taken. He drinks to escape. He works with others to avoid being at home. He must trust you to care for children but he has distanced himself from them and you.
Suggestion:
Allow relatives like grandparents to care for them overnight to give you both respite time and rrlative time to bond.
Hire someone to help with housework or babysitting during day and you go do something you want.
Stop complaining. It makes things worse and pushes him away
Plan dates for the 2 of you…get sitter or relative
Insist on daycare and get a job even if all you are doing is paying for it. Your children need interaction with other children and adults.
As for the 1 yr old. Nothing to eat or drink before bedtime. Put nightlight in room. Give bath before bed…it will soothe them. Keep noise level down till they go to sleep.
Time to take a step back and take a deep breath. Sounds like you can’t see the forest for the trees. What you are going through is perfectly normal. Raising a family is hard work. To be honest, it sounds like hubby is old school. It’s his job to provide and so he spend every minute he can doing just that. Some people aren’t kid people and so cut him a bit of slack there. But don’t be afraid to put your foot down if it really matters to you. You want a family photo? Then hire a photographer to come to your house and record your family trip around the property. You want some couple time? Get grandparents to take the kids and dig out that lingerie. Remind him of who you are as a woman. Remind yourself. Kids are little for only a short time so start making plans about who you are going to be when they are in school full time. Count your blessings. Make small changes and enjoy your life!
A common thread in this post seems to be…“leave him”. Why is that? You have a special needs child who requires 24/7 care and a baby. You BOTH agree that you should be a SAHM. Sounds to me like his focus IS on his family…he works all the time to provide for his family. He doesn’t go out, chase women, isn’t physically abusive, and he is a good provider. So he drinks 1-2 cases of beer…do you drink coffee or soda? Eat sweets? You don’t say he “has to” drink the beer, get drunk, go to bars, miss work because of drinking. MAYBE drinking a couple of beers a day is his way of unwinding and relaxing…it can’t be easy working full time, farming, gardening, AND helping with construction work. Maybe he is feeling the pressures of no down time too. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own happiness. It doesn’t come from other people, it comes from within. So, I guess what I’m saying is, if you want to leave…
Leave. Just remember, you will STILL have the same responsibilities you have now, and more. Finding another “good provider” will certainly be difficult given you have no time for socializing or dating. The grass is NOT always greener, and you need to think long and hard about what life would be like without him.
Your a single mom This was my life when I was married. I got divorced and it been 13 years best thing I ever did.
He’s struggling. He’s feeling overwhelmed with the fact he has a special needs child. I’m not blaming toxic masculinity because I don’t feel that exists because not being able to talk about your feelings isn’t gender exclusive. A lot depends on how he was raised. Try talking to him and tell him you understand how he feels.
If you have to even think he might put the kids in a dangerous situation. – This is a red flag. Make a plan to get out when you can. It may take you a while. Get some help from a women’s shelter. You could give him a chance and get into couples CV counseling, but seems to me the prospect is dim for him actually changing.
This is a common issue between men and women. Men think they still get to do whatever they want, and women think they need to do whatever they should. Get him to a marriage counselor pronto. Threaten divorce.
I feel you. My 4yr old is special needs as well and it took quite a while for my husband to accept it and he didn’t want to to go anywhere with him cause he’s at a 2yo level and so my husband would just drink. I went on with my life and after many years of praying for him one day he said I’m done drinking cause I don’t want to lose my family. I know not everyone is religious, but prayer is the only answer I can come up with. When you have a group of people that get together, God moves mountain’s and fast! I wish you the best of luck. I know it’s hard.
He won’t take the kids I think you need to sit down and talk to him and tell him how you’re feeling but truthfully it probably won’t help
My husband works nights so he’s absent from almost everything we do. We have soon to be 3 children and I do everything. He does nothing but work, sleep, eat and play video games. I hate it that he is so consumed in his own life but I have learned to live my own life I guess you could say. I have come to realize that you really don’t need a man to be happy. As long as he’s not abusing you or your children and you get to do what you want with your children, take advantage of that girl. It does get lonely but thats when Bible studies are nice because you can open your Bible and let God fill that lonely void. Don’t let his actions ruin how you live your life. Just remember you are strong and he’s the one missing out not you. Your kids won’t be little forever. There will come a time when you will get all the freedom you want. Now please this is just my opinion of q life I know nothing about. If you aren’t safe then this advice is rubbish. Follow God and your heart.
No mention of a church life, get into church, bigger the church, even better as a large church offers more activities. Get online and start college. Trade school now, no excuses either. As far as counseling, you go, doubt he will go. Go to every family, social setting, trust me they know about him, why hide yourself at home. Continue going to all playdates for kids, even add some more. There is really not a solution, till you can fully support yourself and kids. Make a life with what you got now. Now if he get violent, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY AND NEVER GO BACK
If your husband won’t help with the kids now I don’t think you have too much to worry about him taking them. He needs to pull up his big boy pants and be a man. There’s plenty of men out there that are more then willing to help you.
If he don’t or won’t help you then clearly he is lazy. Marriage is not only build on one but two. He has no excuse. Husband and wife should help each other. Talk to him tell him how you feel. If there are no results think long and hard. Your choice.
I divorced mine and the grass isn’t greener on the other hand side
Not sure his age but some men do have a real problem with testosterone levels and that can affect everything. I would also try to learn more about how he was raised. Honestly today I think the rolls we all have are very confusing and especially for men.
Being a parent is hard. Please breathe, take a minute break. You also need to be grateful. He works a full-time job common has a hobby shop. That shop I’m sure he makes a little money. Any gross food for you all. Having a special needs child is hard, men don’t understand all that.
Yeah. It sounds like you husband has checked out of your marriage. Maybe a counselor could help, if you can get him to go. But this might not happen. You may have to cut your losses. You can’t be the only one making an effort all the time.
Councillor first step. You need a heart to heart talk with him saying what you put in this letter. Then demand that he participate with you or give you free time away from the kids. I suggest every 3 months hire a sitter and take an over night somewhere romantic or simply touring.
Maybe he hasn’t accepted the special needs child, and he’s “embarrassed”
Whatever you decide don’t have anymore children with him. It will only make your life that much harder than it already is.
If he has not taken care of the kids, how could he keep the kids?
Try some daycare for a while and get a break.
Maybe talk to him instead of posting on random sites ? You guys have been through a lot. Special needs can feel like you lost a child, even if you have one right in front of you. Everyone grieves differently.
Counseling for you. Maybe marriage counseling to if he would do it. Talk to an attorney to.
1 Like
Maybe get the book Love Dare even if you have to do all the things it guides you to do by yourself.
He needs to start helping! We get tired of doing everything
Have him read this and ask him to reply to you.
Sounds like he’s over it
I can’t get past the getting pictures taken being stupid.
This is unhealthy for all of you. It sounds like he wants nothing to do with any of you.
Are you getting SSI benefits for your special needs child? He would have to help support you, if you were to end the marriage.
Try all you can to make it work. If it doesn’t, move on. You need to be happy, not miserable. Life is too short for that.
1 Like
Sounds in part that he hasn’t accepted your child’s extra needs either. I have a special needs child. He is 4. His medical care dominates our lives. But dad is very involved and hands on…misses very few Dr appointments… Does cares when he is home. He also works and requests that I stay home to care for said child. We get through it all because we remain a united front.
Op husband works hard and that is half the battle. But maybe he keeps himself busier than he needs to be.so he doesn’t have to face his reality. Encourage him to set aside time for you. Plan way in advance. Just keep trying to tell him what you feel. But at some point, something has.to give. Or you may as well move on and find your happiness without him.
Listen to your heart, actions speak louder than words. Is this the life, future u ( would) want for your children? Sounds as if it isn’t even one you d want for yourself……(speaking from experience)
Sweetie, it sounds like he’s already checked out. I bet he’s not talking to u either. You might need to do what’s best for you and your children.
Dump him and move on. Life is too short to be miserable. The grass is as green as you make it on the other side!
Things would not be easier if you left. You have a man who supports you and your kids. Concentrate on the good in him. Build him up in these areas. Hope that when he’s old and wants what you want now you will still want it. 
Family meeting and tell him how you feel. If he acts like he doesn’t care, move forward. You are already doing life alone.
My advice is find a Bible based church or go on line and watch Dr Charles Stanley at Intouch.org and ask Jesus to help you with you and to guide you and your children. Call and ask for prayers, I’ll be praying for you and your situation!
A Christian therapist would be great for you as well!