My husband will soon be getting a vasectomy, and I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him. We have three handsome little boys, and we both are 100% on board with only having three kids, but I’m really struggling with the fact that it’s so final, and this is for sure my last baby. We wanted two, and I told him that I realized I wanted one more after going through the same thing. I went to counseling, and I thought maybe a 3rd baby would make me feel whole. We had a 3rd, and I am struggling again. I know that no matter how many kids we have, I will still struggle every time. Any advice or words of wisdom?? I mentally and emotionally am not ready to have my last everything.
I am sorry love. You are valid in your feelings but it is his body.
Holding resentment towards your husband over this is toxic af. Get some counseling
His body, his choice? Right ?
His choice unfortunately
Vasectomies are reversible. Calm down.
It’s not all about you. His body, his choice.
You convinced your husband to have a 3rd(and last). Now you’re asking again? Sorry. He sounds like he is done before and decided to have one more…now he’s really done. Agreed. You need more counseling.
A child is never going to make you feel “whole”
You have to find that in yourself.
Put your self on birth control and cancel vasectomy appointment.
Y’all were blessed with 3 children and his choice but they easily Reversed with a better chance of more children than u getting ur tubes tied amd then reversed
His body, his choice…but also they’re reversible if you both change your mind one day…
Try counseling or support groups!
I would focus on the three kiddos you have.
I’m sorry everyone is being so rude to you… but a vasectomy is reversible so you don’t have to worry that it’s so final
His body, his choice
You’ll get use to it… we decided for my husband to get one and I cried for awhile after bc I knew we’d never have another baby…
but I feel like alot of women are on board with it then when it happens they kinda mourn the loss of that they won’t be having anymore children
…it’s been 3 years now for us and were glad we made that choice
and now I just hold other people’s babies lol and get to sleep if I want afterwards:rofl:
Way to be grateful. When anyone says they have to convince someone to do what they want…I tend to wonder if the one doing the convincing perhaps is really only thinking of themselves. Maybe take a couple hundred steps back and enjoy what you have. He has the right to make the choice.
Oh momma there’s SO many firsts in front of you! Focus on making those amazing!
You need therapy to find what it is you’re missing within yourself. Kids cannot make you feel whole, you do that yourself. Plus there is always the option of adoption or fostering.
His body. His choice.
Therapy is what you need.
My child makes me feel dead never mind whole🙃
Woman are all “my body my choice” men have that same right! I would suggest more counseling.
I would seek therapy. He went one above what you all had settled on. Respect how he feels as well
Look into foster care, most reward thing in the world for kids. Giving them a home for a few days, weeks or months is so rewarding. Everybody says I can’t get attached and give them back. You have to look at it in another perspective, while they are in your home you know they are loved, protected, and not abused or neglected. Some kids we have had over the 13 years didn’t know how to love anyone!! Thousands of kids need a family to call there home.
Try marriage counseling, but it’s his decision too.
It means no more babies, but there are so many firsts ahead of you. Enjoy all of those moments.
You need to go work on yourself. You obviously have some kind of issues going on and you cant just keep having kids hoping it goes away.
Using kids to fill a void isn’t healthy. Please continue with therapy
Don’t stop going to counseling. You are apparently not capable of thinking about your husbands needs and mental health. He doesn’t want anymore kids… and a vasectomy will guarantee that… but it also says he doesn’t trust you to not “accidentally” get pregnant again. Work on the issues in your marriage and yourself. Kids are not puppies and you can’t hoard them…
What the hell!!! What happened to MARRIAGE, and working things out together. Yes it’s his body, but that’s a decision that should made WITH his wife!!! Just as that decision for her should be made with him!! Having the desire to want another child (whether it’s your 3rd or your 8th) doesn’t make you crazy!! And him feeling satisfied with three is perfectly acceptable too. And no therapist is going to help you figure out your feelings better than talking this over with your husband (maybe not so with other issues). The two of you will need to figure out who is willing to give and who is willing to take…as with the other issues you will face, big and small. Good luck:crossed_fingers:t2:
It’s not the last of anything… It is the beginning… Everyday with your kids is a new beginning… Enjoy the new life everyday… My baby is now 15 and everything is the “last” with him… But oooo… All the adventures with the kids growing… It is wonderful watching them turn into little grown ups… It is not over or the last of anything… It will always be new adventures…
Seek therapy. It’s better than feeling this way the rest of your life.
Honestly I would really invest into the 3 that you have… I think that as they are getting older you’re wanting that baby fix. I have a couple solutions/suggestions
Work at a daycare in the nursery. This could be the compromise between you and your hubby.
Attend therapy… what you are suggesting is not a problem but kids won’t fix anything inside of you that is missing
Spend one on one time with every kid you already have. As the mom of a 5 year old each point in his life we have experienced each stage in his life is filled with new experiences… take right now I’m his tee ball coach… I’m not sporty but it’s all about doing stuff with the kids
his body, his choice.
It mayb unfortunate but his body his choice
Wait, so you say you are both 100% on board with the vasectomy, but you are angry and resent him??? Why, exactly? None of this makes any sense at all. I think you need to seek counciling
Vasectomy isn’t always so final… my partner had one and couple years later and 2 kids proved vasectomys are not the end all be all but you settled in 2 and you wanted a 3rd respect his choices
Sounds like a lot of your internal problems projecting onto him. Be at peace with what you have. It really doesn’t affect you what he chooses to do with his body. As you would expect the same respect. Lighten up. Maybe find out why you aren’t happy with yourself instead of filling the void with more children this economy clearly cannot handle. Do better.
Take good care of the babies you have and love your husband. He is trying to be responsible. You need a hobby. Maybe you can volenteer at the hospital childrens section. They are always looking for people to hold babies in the neonatel area when the parents can’t be there. You could work at a daycare if you just want to be around children more. Maybe daycare out of your home if you are a stay at home mom. I had two children and only because i do not think a child should not grow up without a sibling. My choice. Out of two children i have 7 grandchildren and 5 great grandchildren. You will have a grandchild some day. So be happy. I think God has blessed you well.
I think it’s just knowing it’s going to be final now and it’s really hitting you really hard right now but these feeling will go away. I had my tubes tied after my daughter which I knew was what my husband and I wanted, we had two boys and now had our baby girl but to know that part of life was over was actually emotional for me, I felt empty and cried. I’m glad I did though because I was able to start enjoying my three I already had, focus on myself and now that everyone is getting older vacations are more fun and I actual really get to enjoy them more myself. I sometimes look at people and say thank god I had had my tubes tied now
This sounds like you need therapy, not another baby. Not trying to come off rude but children aren’t things to “make you complete.” You should be a whole person FOR them, not because of them. You’re not lacking fulfillment because you “only have three kids.” There’s something else and you’re trying to fill it with babies, which is unhealthy and a sign of an underlying issue that a therapist should be able to help identify.
Your husband is allowed to say no more kids. He’s allowed to take measures with his own body to prevent having more. Kids aren’t collectibles.
And if you guys both decide on another baby, vasectomies are reversible normally.
Children do not make you feel whole. No matter how many you have that will not change. Being a parent is one of the most selfless, draining things you can do. Kids are amazing and wonderful but they are selfish and don’t appreciate all you do until they are parents themselves typically. You need to fix what’s inside of you because that is where your issue is. From what you said, you both agreed on three. And the only reason you are wanting more is to make yourself feel better. This is not a positive reason to have more kids.
Ultimately, that’s not your decision to make.
Harvest his sperm & you’ll have a back up plan
Its definitely something you should both be on board with!
Any way he could store some of his sperm for future? Just so you know its there and then do IVF if both and I mean both of you decide you want to try for another?
A baby won’t make you feel whole. You’re taking your problems out on him for doing what he wants with his body. Get therapy and I mean the full extent for yourself so you can heal rather than take out things on others and put your temporary happiness on a new baby everytime. You seem to forget that at the end of the day it’s his body and his choice. Not only are you being selfish and taking your issues out on him but you’re also being unfair to him but also any child you have that you’re putting that temporary happiness on. A child will never ever be the reason you feel whole, that’s something you have to do without yourself.
Frankly it is his body and his choice… If he feels later on down the road he wants another child he can get it reversed
My boyfriend had a vasectomy. You can have all the sex without the repercussions of having another child. You can’t be angry and have resentment towards him when you both agreed to having just 3 children. That’s you being selfish.
Y’all agreed to 2, and he agreed to one more.
Now you have to respect his choice of not having any more children.
Knowing that our last baby is the LAST one is hard. My youngest is 9, and there will be no lord for me.
Thankfully I have a niece with small babies that I get to love on, and that helps.
But, it’s his body and his choice. And you need to respect that.
His body, his choice. Seems like you need therapy to find out what is actually missing in your life. You can’t just keep having kid after kid, especially if your husband doesn’t want anymore.
Some of these comments are kind of rude its a mother expressing her feelings. Everyone has a right to feel the way that they do. Would you as a couple consider postponing the procedure while you continue therapy and communicating as a couple? Maybe it would help set the resentment aside while you work on your feelings, relationship, and void you are experiencing. You could always do things for yourself (exercise, a hobby, friends) and fostering a child later on could be a wonderful experience for the whole family
His body, his choice.
His body his choice.
Like so many women say about themselves, it’s his body so it’s his decision.
His body, his choice.
I think the issue is you not feeling whole no matter what and that is a little selfish. So if he didn’t get it done and you have your 4th baby and you don’t feel whole still, you would just keep having babies? I actually think he’s being smart cause with kids, you gotta do some adding and subtracting and that’s being responsible!
We’re done having kids and my husband got one. I’m done trying different birth controls and didn’t want to have to use protection.
You both had wanted two and you had a third one, and it was another boy are you sure your not so upset because deep down you wanted a little girl?
You have anger towards your husband for getting a vasectomy that you both agreed on because you were done having children? If baby number 3 didn’t fill that void, then that void isn’t caused from “wanting another child.” I would suggest talking to a counselor. It’s not fair to your husband to have to be a baby making factory when you both agreed that 3 was enough.
I am so sorry for those who have laughed.
your feelings are 100% valid. You have every right to feel the way you do.
I would maybe try going back to a counselor to talk things out.
I think the issue here is that you have some pain or discontentment within you that needs to be addressed. No external situation, person or birth will make that better. I would really suggest going to counseling. Therapy can be so beneficial.
It’s not that final, a vasectomy can be reversed. However people here won’t be able to help you with the feelings you are having, I don’t think. I guess I read this more charitably than some people and thought you were recognizing that this is going to be a struggle for you no matter how many children you have. The bottom line is really that you should respect that he has made a decision about his body. But that doesn’t mean you won’t have your own feelings about it.
Eventually you also won’t be able to have more children, and that will be a finality for your body. Would you want him to be angry at you for that? Continue discussing it with your counselor and try to find coping mechanisms so you can stop resenting him for making medical decisions for himself.
Focus on your three and stop worrying about “the last” and enjoy “the firsts”. We aren’t promised another day, stop wasting time worrying about what you don’t have and focus on what you do have!
Try to look forward to grandchildren in the future. Maybe that’ll ease the feeling.
I would continue counseling. Maybe not the one you saw last time.
My aren’t we selfish
My husband and I struggled with his too. Even though we both knew 100% that we were done. We had 3 boys and I was pregnant with our daughter. Its an end to an Era.
If you don’t feel whole after a 3rd child, you won’t after a fourth. You need counseling to figure out what will help you fill that void. you will have a lot of “firsts” with your children in the future well into adulthood
His body, his choice.
My Feelings was not the same as you. We had three great kids. Two had given birth to and one that I didn’t. But love her the same. When our youngest was three we lost a baby and I couldn’t have anymore. Had so many different emotions. How did my body let this happen to me. How could I let my husband down our kids. So I started mentoring kids at Elementary and Middle School levels. As soon as COVID gets behind us I too will be back to normalcy. Good luck!!
No amount of children will fill the void inside of you. Nothing external will. You need to find who you are and find happiness with yourself or you will never know true happiness!
Is it that you really want a little girl?
It’s not your last everything. Remember kids give grandkids and those are the best🥰
I got my tubes cut almost 20 years ago. About 7 or 8 years ago I started wanting another baby… it passed. Now I have almost 10 grandkids.
Don’t hold any anger . That’s not healthy. He doesn’t want anymore children. Sounds like you were both on board and now your angry . I can understand being sad knowing it’s your last child . My hubby got one done to . And I was sad knowing I had my last child . I only wanted one child . But we ended up getting pregnant for are second. And I’m glad we did . She’s almost 3 now she’s growing fast . And makes me sad sometimes because I’m not gonna be able to watch another one grow . But anger I don’t have anger you might want to let go of the anger . And enjoy your 3 kids you have now .
I’m not sure we ever are ready to say we’re officially done (my mom said the feelings never go away) but as you said you have 3 handsome boys and you and your hubby made this decision together. Vasectomy isn’t necessarily permanent if that eases your fears. I don’t think we could ever surgically end our baby having, but each family is different. Maybe see a counselor to get through these feelings.
I don’t think you have anger towards your husband, I think it’s the realization and it being “final” that there won’t be anymore children that makes you feel angry. You have a lifetime with the three children you have now and many milestones and future achievements with them. Having another child will not fill the void inside of you. It is also his choice to get a vasectomy, his body his choice.
You thought a third baby would make you whole… you had a third. Now you’re feeling empty again. Another child isn’t going to fix that. Please seek therapy and find what it is you REALLY need.
Vasectomies are reversible
Tell him u want a another baby b4 he gets it done Atleast talk to him so he knows how you feel…
I went thru the same thing and we have 2 boys, and my step daughter. We decided we were done. But took me almost a year to make peace that my youngest will always be my baby.
His body, his choice. It works both ways.
Try to have a baby girl b4 vasectomy
He’s not doing this to you. He’s doing it for you and your family. Most people grieve being done. Finality is not within human nature to accept without closure. Seek more professional advice and find yourself again. Not the mother, but the person. That’s where you’re going to find the hole that needs to be filled.
Your mad at him because he’s getting a vasectomy & I’m mad my man won’t get a vasectomy! But it is what it is😅
Just don’t sign his paperwork for the vasectomy. Lol I kid I kid. We had 2 boys and a girl when we decided (mainly him) we were done. That was 11 years ago and although I still see a new baby and have the urge to have another, I’m glad he did it.
Do you think it’s not having a girl that is the issue - not making you feel whole. Knowing that chance is gone ? What if the 4th was a boy ? Would you still have this feeling ?
If this was a man’s post about his wife/girlfriend, the hate would be criminal. I’m mad my man won’t get one, one is enough
Go back to counseling about it. It’s his body, his choice. Besides they are reversible.
And maybe he’s not mentally or emotionally ready to have another baby. You don’t sound like you’re considering what he wants at all.
I think your wrong to feel angry at him! You both decided on 2 kids, you had 2 and he wanted a vasectomy, you didn’t feel whole so he after thinking it through probably agreed to a 3rd baby. Now you want another? Your not considering his needs and concerns. Lady can you even afford another? I have 1 boy, and he eats me out of house and home, grows like a bean pole and loves toys! I think you need to accept your husband’s feelings. If you keep pushing him time and again he will leave eventually, or do it behind your back.
I have a feeling you want a girl, be happy with what you already have
You can get it reversed and they fail at times. Don’t look at it as the end of something rather look at it has a new beginning. Raise your boys and enjoy them. Also enjoy your husband and make sure you have time with him.
Definitely ask him what he wants before you go resenting him for his choice. A vasectomy is always reversible but right now, maybe let him do it and wait a while. If he decides to reverse it, kudos. If not, you already have 3 boys to love and cherish. Don’t waste your days stuck in the resentment stage when ya’ll could be happy, healthy and thriving
It is not his fault, you agreed, you had one more. Look in the mirror
Foster. So many little ones that need someone to love and care for them.
Ok so as a mom of 4, I too went through this with my last. We thought about a tubal after #3 but weren’t 100%, suprise #4 came to be an we knew we were done. I had a tubal with my c/s. I have went through the motions of the finality of it. She is now 4 and getting ready to start school in the fall. As much as it hurt to think about, I would be lying if I didn’t say the idea of being needed less, after 11 years as a stay at home mom, isn’t exhilarating. With the feelings and sadness of the final first moments, there’s also the moments of happy no mores, no more diapers, no more 2-3-4 am feedings, almost no more carseats, no more diaper bags ect… so as sad as it is there is the freeing moments as well.
My husband got one and I had to sign my name that I agreed to it. Ofc in our situation we didn’t have much of a choice bc I had my last daughter on the living room floor and was told if I had another one I would die or the baby would. But since I didn’t have her in the hospital bc I went into premature labor again and the hospital didn’t believe me they said they could tie my tubes. She was 3 lb and if born on time she would have been dead. That was almost 14 yrs ago and even though I struggle with that decision we don’t live in fear. Instead every time I wanted a baby I got a furbaby. my hubby just loves me! Bless him! So I do know the struggles of the “what if” and how my heart has struggled with wanting another one. Just remember there is always fostering or adopting kiddos if u heart is in need that badly. Hang in there girl and don’t be too mad at him.