Me and my husband have been together since I was 15 years old. I am currently 29 years old. We have 3 children together. I love my husband so much, but I am unhappy. Sometimes I feel like everything is always on me. He is happy sitting in the house all day everyday playing his video game while the kids just sit on there I pads and phones. Over many years I have told him I am exaughsted from being the only parent to plan fun things and once in a while it would be nice for him to have ambition to do somethings. After we talk about it he tries for a week and then hes done, and its an endless cycle. I am to the point where I’m defeated and I’m tired of being the only parent to do things with the kids. I have so much guilt inside me that my kids aren’t getting the fun childhood they deserve. They are amazing kids and they deserve better. I don’t no what to do I often think of leaving my husband but I can honestly say that I love him. Therapy isnt an option as I have tried to go many times with him. I don’t no what to do. Advise needed.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I love my husband but I am unhappy: Advice?
It sounds like you’re waiting all on him. If you did leave him you would still be the only parent. If you got together at 15 you have no idea who you are. When is the last time you went out and did something you enjoyed, or you went out to find out different things that you enjoyed? That your kids enjoy? You don’t need him to be involved you do what you want to do and go from there
I would suggest maybe a temporary separation to see we’re u stand. I’ve been there and some it’s not easy. I would like to say it gets easier but I’d be lying. The key is Communication if all fails then Make a Change and Stick your Ground. Temporary is not permanent Good luck
Plan a weekly day for yourself. Allow yourself to get out of the house wo kids. To do what you want.
Men seem happier resting. If you want to do things go do them. If you leave him you’ll be doing a lot less.
My husband is the same. Still trying to find answers…
I look at it like this. If your daughter came to you with this same issue about her spouse, what would you say?
This seems to be the same post over and over again…
Tale the kids and plan these trips without him go to Disney world go to Universal yall don’t have to not do these things cause he doesn’t want to. I tell my husband I’m going with our without you either way we’ve have an 11 & 2 yr old and live your life make the memories whe you have all these pictures of these of funs times !!!
That’s your only issue?
He didn’t make plans, so I left him?
i feel this so much!! this is my life to a T!! its so depressing.
You work full time and he doesn’t? Really?
Most guys I know are like that. My husband would rather sit at home , play games and not go anywhere but I wouldn’t leave over that…
Go to therapy for you!!! Right now it’s about you and what you are carrying and the responsibility you feel. He at the moment is content. Time to fill your cup, heal yourself (guilt is self inflicted) and give your children what you want to give them. He can participate but you can’t make a grown man participate if he doesn’t want to or isn’t capable of. Big hug
Life’s not about taking the kids a million places an wasting money. Neither one of us like really going out or doing anything, even with the kids
Hello, I also have been with my man since I was 15. It’s been 20 yrs. At one point in time I was unhappy too for a long time. I also went thru him making promises and only working on it for a short time before it stopped. I ultimately ended up leaving. But only for 2 months. It was enough to get him to open his eyes and we started working on us. It’s been over 3 years now and I am back in love with him and couldn’t imagine life without him. But looking back, I hated him at one time or so I thought. I thought it was over and I was so sure. My point is anything can happen and things change. He just needs his eyes opened up.
I went through something similar.
In the end, you’ll never be happy unless you make the changes. Love is not enough
I just go and do things, no waiting on them. I enjoy doing this,some people do not.
If another mom friend that wants to go out to.
You either make it work or you dont. There is no try. Go to therapy AGAIN AND AGAIN UNTIL IT WORKS. Dont stop going. Does he work? Do you work? Hes probably exhausted too. Yall need to communicate EXACTLY what you need from each otger so there is no confusion. Tell him word for word “I am unhappy in our marriage. We need to fix it”
Explain you refuse to be a married single parent. Either he steps up, or you’ll just be a divorced single parent. He’ll either step up or he won’t and if he doesn’t… you follow through
Take the kids and go without him , he will either sit home alone or he will decide he wants in on the family time eventually… at least you and the kids will get out and make memories.
Need to give husband more sex…that will work!
You need to accept that certain parts of people’s personality won’t change. I’m the creative one in the family, and he’s the hard worker. That’s just how it is, we balance each other out. So you like to have fun and he likes to chill. You need to have peace with that. You need to accept you 2 are different in this area and that’s ok.
I went through that and thought I couldn’t leave… but I did and am happy that I did. Your own happiness and self worth is more than anything in this world!!
Go by yourself to therapy
Tell him how you are feeling from your heart with much love but also let him know this isn’t going to work anymore with just me putting in all the work I’m going to have to see some changes so we can both be happy. And see what happens
I am sorry but I don’t feel like there is enough info to really give you answer. Like what is your work schedule or what is his work schedule. Do you work all day while he stays or do you stay home while he works?
Does he work full time? If so he probably enjoys doing nothing on weekends. Do you work full time? Or do you stay home and run the house? I ask because when I stayed home with my kids I was always ready to do fun things on the weekends. Since I went back to work full time I’m ready to relax on my days off. In all honesty though, him not making plans isn’t a reason to leave the father of your children.There has to be something else going on.
Live life, go out with friends who has kids leave him home
Lazy he needs to work a job
Well love, I believe you answered your own question. Take some time apart and then see where you’re at with it
Love isn’t enough to maintain a marriage. There has to be effort on both sides and honesty in communicating. I think you need to tell him exactly what you’re feeling and what will happen next if you can’t work as a team. You need him on board to build the family life and relationship you want, if he wants that too. And if he doesn’t want that he needs to speak up. See if theres a middle ground or if this will just run its course because you can’t fix it on your own.
Just keep planning stuff. Plan it and that morning tell everyone to get ready bc you’re doing such and such. We wouldn’t do anything if I didn’t plan it . Start having no screen time also. That’s huge. Do family game nights instead.
It takes two to make a relationship work. He takes you for granted.
He is who he is. You are who you are. Instead of trying to push him over to your side, meet him in the middle. Or accept the way he is now and stay or accept the way he is now and leave.
I wish this was the biggest issue for me. I hope you get it figured out.
I believe media is an addiction the same as other drugs. We should treat it the same as other dfugs, and get treatment for ourselves and our family who suffers addiction to media. If the husband does not want to admit the addiction that is when the problem gets worst…
If he is sitting in the house all day, every day, who is working and paying the bills?
Do the things. My only advice is: DO THE THINGS that make you happy. Take the kids with you. Be the fun parent. Be the active parent. Be the one who broadens their life perspective & experiences. You CANNOT force someone to be what they’re not! Likely he’s always been like this but love has blinded you until now. It’s okay! It is what it is. Make happy memories with the kids & let him know that, with or without him, it’s GOING to happen. But… Let him know you’re going to leave some things to him so that you have the energy to devote to your children; leave some of the housework to him, leave some of the bill payments to him, leave some of the errands & grocery runs to him, etc. Don’t worry if he doesn’t do it perfectly though; that’s the catch. Focus on the kids. If he sees you having fun he may want to join you.
go on a vacation by yourself, leaving the kids with him. he will see what you do all day
I don’t really have any advice for that as I was a single mom and raised my boys alone but…I have to say good for you in your parenting efforts!!! We are ultimately as a society dumbing our children down with the constant electronics use. That being said you are doing something right so you definitely ain’t defeated!
People who’ve never experienced this wouldn’t understand. It’s the lack of effort. It’s the lack of drive to want to do stuff with his family. It’s the lack of interest in his family and it seems like he just does what you want…not that he wants to do any of what you plan.
Then go yourself. You cant do anything till you help yourself.
While he’s playing his games and the kids are on their pads, leave and do something for yourself. If you’re not there, he’ll have to watch them.
My husband doesn’t plan fun things. I do then we all go out and do them. We both work full time. I do understand being tired and wanting to relax during off time though.
Have you tried counseling
My husband is the same way. I learned to just plan things and go with my children. If he wants to come that’s awesome I love it if he doesn’t so be it. I’m making memories with them n they’ll remember that to me that’s all that matters. However it does get lonley at times but…
You need to go to therapy on your own. And figure out why you love a man that won’t put forth the effort you request. You’re not asking too much, you’re asking him to be involved with the family.
Because you cannot change him, and he has proven his inability to do so, there are two paths you’ll be presented with… Accept him exactly as he is and plan things without his help or move on, because he is not putting in the effort.
I know so many people in marriages that are not fulfilling simply because they’re scared of being a single parent. Truth is, you are already a single parent, now just imagine one less person to take care of.
I left my ex almost 12 yrs ago for totally different reasons, but taking complete control of my life was the most liberating thing I’ve ever experienced. Maybe it’s a separation that you need. When I said I was leaving us when my ex decided he’d do therapy.
Get some counseling even if it is without him.
What do you actually love about him? Sounds like he does absolutely nothing to make you happy, and you’re miserable. Where’s the love?
I’m currently going through this
Honey… take that debit card, and your kids, and go make some memories! He doesn’t have to go but they will remember who did. Call a friend with kids, a family member. Don’t wait on him. Just do it.
You’re an individual outside of his hobbies.
Make some friends and take your kids to go do things you like to do as well.
Life’s too short.
I would hate to get to the end of the road and say “I wish I would have”
I come from a house where my mother planned everything. Every trip, play, fun thing. Regardless if it was just with my father or both of them
Go yourself, it may help you decide or light a fire under his butt
Come down with illness, that only you and your mom know about. Get in the bed and let dad take care of things for a week. Quietly assure kids your not sick so much as just tired .
You described my life with my ex to the T. I left in October of last year. Sure I have my moments and I miss the fuck out of him but then I realized I too was unhappy and our kids were not having the childhood I imagined. 11 years. It’s so much better now even after going through custody court. Now all of a sudden he wants father of the year in front of his new super young girlfriend.
Look at it this way, If you left him you would have to work outside of the home full time most likely and wouldn’t have the time or energy to do things with the kids. If you stay he pays the bills and you get to do fun stuff with the kids . I would lighten the load a little by not doing his laundry and maybe even sleeping in another room. Tell him when he steps up to his duties as a Dad and a husband you’ll move back to the bedroom. Sometimes men need a wake up call. Maybe if he fears losing you he will try harder. 'These electronics are very destructive to marriages and our children. I would also set a time limit for the kid with games and tv.
This sounds EXACTLY like my situation.
Kick his ass out!! Your a mom to 3 not 4!!
My marriage was like this. I found free or cheap stuff to do with them. St. Louis , where I live has one of the best FREE zoo’s in the world.
Sounds like you love comfort and not him
Life alone isn’t fun either it actually SUCKS keep trying hunny and then try some more I’ll pray for all of you FAMILY is so important. YOU CAN DO IT
Take the kids out by yourself " try to enjoy them ,& maybe a part time job just to get out & meet others "
Doesn’t sound like a fun happy life… nothing wrong with thinking your in love with him however it doesn’t sound like he feels the same… actions speak louder than words… Sometimes we get married just because we want it so bad… but then we jump into something that wasn’t meant to be… sounds like you have a roommate and not a husband… Sometimes in relationships we need to know that difference between we can be friends but we just can’t be husband and wife! Your still young go out there and find that someone who will treat you like a queen because that’s how you feel to him everyday!!! And remember you can’t change a man unless you’re the women to him worth changing for… that’s the only way a man will change his ways… you gotta be worth it in his eyes!!
Maybe you need to change your attitude toward him. Love is kind, forgiving, and much more. If that is all you got to complain about then you don’t see things as they should! Better to be home doing video games than running around with another women. Are the kids whining to go do something with him! Then they need to be redirected to ask him to take them someplace! Have them be specific. Tell the kids you have other plans even if it a soak in the tub and have some me time. Do you have someone you can counsel with in church, if you do make sure it is an older woman. Elders can give Hod advice about love, understanding, and how to motivate him and the kids.
My husband got made at me cause the house needed to be clean. I told him I would quit my job, and he. Oils get two more to make up the difference in money. He thought about it and started to vacuum, mop floors, cook, and do dishes when I needed help. My medical situation was in the toilet at that time. I guess he did not want to work another two jobs and he started watching less tv, helping when I asked for help! It was not every day but a few. So on weekends when he was off and I was working he fixed dinner, did the dishes, and the floors were done. Presentation of issues need to be discussed. Go to bed early and leave j to tuck in the kids.
He needs to get rid of his video games or at the very least only play it 2 days a week for a set amount of time he is a grown man with children that are more important than gaming
You may as well be single you’re doing it alone regardless . Be happy doing it at least!
You don’t have to stay.
Do what’s best for you and your children.
Plan and leave him out. That’s all I got because it happens to me more than I’d like to admit.
How old is your husband?
At least he’s not partying with his friends or cheating on u…appreciate that he’s home with u guys
Take away the video games or change the wifi password
GO DO THINGS. Take the kids and just go make memories and have fun. Sometimes people don’t realize what their missing out on until they see it.
He may just see what fun and amazing memories you’re making with the kids and want to join in, or he’ll regret it when they’re older and all they talk about is how he did nothing for them but mom took them places and made memories.
You cannot change him and he will not change unless he wants to.
So, your a care taker, taken care of everything and everyone. Not going to change until you do. Suggestion: Turn into a care giver, meaning, only do for those who cannot do for themselves. No one ever died from saying no, or a messy house for a while.
It sounds like he’s not a partner. That isn’t fair to you or the kids. You all deserve more from him.
If he won’t go to counseling, go by yourself. Kids can go too.
I do everything with my kids … with him or without him. He has no problem paying for me to spend time with them and he works long days. I won’t allow my kids to miss out waiting on anybody … even family. I have thousands and thousands of pictures of us on regular trips and I tell my kids one day when I’m all alone, I have something to look back on and make me smile (and cry). My fear was that he was missing out on time watching them grow up but seriously that’s on him, sadly his loss. Keep doing you and remember your children are watching and listening. They’ll remember mom doing her best, they need someone who kept it alive.
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I’d start planning vacations, staycations, and outings with me and the kids. Go and do something. Don’t wait on him. Take some “me time” and go hang out with friends.
This was me…I did divorce him…
Remarried 2/yrs later…my girls are grown with kids and they finally see and appreciate EVERYTHING I did for them
Make plans, make the memories…enjoy them…u wont regret it years from now
Go to counseling anyway yourself . When you took your marriage vows , I doubt it included “
Being happy “ . Marriage is a commitment. Stick together and find happiness within yourself and God . I’ll bet you’ll
One day you’ll be glad you did . Your kids deserve a family that stays together.
I don’t see how these women live with these boys that play video games all day, does he even work
Go to counseling for you and your children it will help you even though he’s not willing to do couples counseling.
I divorced mine and now he makes time and takes our sons out - now he doesn’t have a choice!
Go do things with ur kids, if u leave him it’s just going to be u n the kids anyway.
Take away all electronic devices.
Tell him what you’re telling us! Spell it right out to him. Let him know this is a deal breaker if he doesn’t change, and not just for a week. If he takes his marriage seriously he will open his eyes and do something about it. Good luck!!
won’t change till he chooses to … what now for you n the kids?
Sometimes you need to just accept someone’s faults if you love them. No one is perfect and he can’t read your mind. He’s obviously not a planner, you know this after being with him for 19 years… If you’re ready for something fun, just tell him “I’d love to do something as a family on this day, would you please plan it?”. You’re deciding to be unhappy.
He went from momma’s house straight to your house, he’s never outgrown the teenager video game syndrome. Way too many grown men have it, and it causes so many problems in a relationship. If he won’t go to counseling all you can do is either give him an ultimatum, or stay with him and live your own life with your children and continue to be unhappy. You can always seek counseling by yourself, at least you will have some guidance and a way to work through it.
Turn off the internet for 24 hours. Say, I don’t know what’s wrong let’s go take a walk! Be a sneaky dynamic changer!
You need to accept your husband as the person/father he is comfortable being. Even if you divorced or left him he would still be the same father to the kids choosing to do what he likes to do with them. And you would still be doing for them planning alone as you are now for the things you think your kids deserve. If you want more family activities than you need to accept that your spouse isn’t going to initiate or step into your role simply because you want that. If he is willing to participate after you plan and orchestrate, then I think you should understand that he is meeting you somewhere in the middle and if you love him, than I think you’re good.
There are extremely few cases where something that appealed to at 15yo will still do so at 30. Sounds to me like you grew up and he never had to.
If you leave you would eventually miss him. If you love him, have a serious come to Jesus talk with him. Be honest how you are feeling. Tell him you want to leave. Let him decide his next move. All marriages have problems, this sounds fixable. I wish you the best. Don’t settle tho…if he doesn’t step up, he can never ever say you didn’t try!
Start leaving and going out with your girl-friends and have time to yourself. I stopped along time ago asking to go on dates or do anything fun.
He’s still maturing he needs a man to take him to get a trade and find out what his interest are. He’s just young and immature wasn’t really ready for the adult life and responsibilities. Most men run he’s just overwhelmed and passing time til he figure things out. Hang in there with him. Maybe you can talk about to him about his dreams and interest and y’all can brainstorm how he can get started. He can take up IT since he likes video games. He just need a little push he’ll get there
The only person you have control over is you. Just because he won’t do therapy doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You were children when you got together. Sounds like you’ve outgrown him. You can love someone and not want to be their partner anymore.
Turn off all devices no computors or phones yes everyone will freak but in a couple months you call will be closer
Step back and really think about what life would looking without him. Maybe he has depression and needs help but doesn’t want to admit it. Im going through a divorce now and I wish every single day that I could go back and change the decision to leave. We all have stuff we’re going through and don’t always communicate it the best. The only advice I have is to wholeheartedly have a conversation with him. Cry if you need to just dont fight and yell:heart: