I love my husband but I am unhappy: Advice?

He’s an adult. He knows what he should be doing for his wife and children. He doesn’t care. Let him know how much this means to you. If he doesn’t change then leave. Do you want to wake up in ten more years wishing you had left???

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That’s a hard one. I’m a hairdresser and hear sooo many stories. I’ve been with my husband since 16. 20 years together now. Sooo many things change. If I’ve learned one thing from all the stories I’ve heard, it would be that the grass is not greener on the other side. As I’m reading this, all I can think is that it sounds like a lot of marriages. Not saying it’s a bad thing but we are seriously wired differently. (Also not saying it’s ok) I used to JOKE with my new brides and say, "If HE knows that she’s always right, and SHE knows she’s marrying her first child, they’ll be alright. If you didn’t love him, that’s be a different story. I think the hardest part is feeling like it’s all on you! Not sure how old your kids are but mine are now 9&12. I feel like it’s getting easier as they can now help but GIRLLLL I don’t know how we survived because I felt the same way as you! Push through and water your own grass. Counseling, communication, etc… I boycotted his laundry :rofl: Take whatever you can off your plate. He can take care of himself. Make him meal plan every other week or he doesn’t eat lol

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Have you tried casually mentioning that oh a beach trip sounds nice what do you think? Like include him when you kinda think of things. It’s not that you really have to, or ask him if a skate night sounds fun or have some friends over or go visit some friends idk. Change the language a little and have some perspective. It might help the overwhelming feeling or just ask the kids what they want to do instead of you planning, include everyone

I don’t play video games except on my phone here and there but I work in the sun all day everyday an on my days off I hate the thought of going outside and I hate being around a lot of people I am perfectly happy laying around the house watching movies cooking whatever the case may be but I like my indoors when I’m not working

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Talk to him an I mean really talk to him. Start leaving him at random with the kids to run “errands” and let him see how it goes with the kids on his own. Start having zero screen days. Start a routine of going for walks or to the playground as a family. I also hate to tell you but most of the time it’s the moms who plan things bc we are the ones who truly know how to prepare for doing adventures and picking kid friendly appropriate things to do. Start scheduling mandatory date nights which is just you an him and have it where you plan a night an that’s you taking him on a date and then the next time he does it for you. If it’s on a calendar or written down for a man they’re better at follow through. You also need to start making him deal with things with the kids on his own as well as taking care of himself with out you helping him. If he’s forced to do things on his own he will be much more likely to notice what you do for him when you stop doing it always and it will help him grow up some too.

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Maybe say I need you to plan something for Friday for all.of us to do. And then maybe name off some things that would work. Park, zoo, movie that kind of thing. Me. Need directions, specific directions. And you don’t stay with people and try to change them. As long as he’s willing to go along and do the activities and not stay at home while you go out with the kids that’s vetter than alot of couples over known.

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Start a date night one time a month and a family night. No games allowed those nights. Let him pick what to do first date night, no games you and him go out even if just a walk. Family night majority rules what to do. Everyone suggests something and then vote. It might be tough at first and lots of moaning and groaning, but hopefully will catch on.

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My husband is the same way but it’s tv not video games. It’s so frustrating to me too!

Find a sitter who can watch the kids while he works and take a week long vacation. Leave him some suggestions on things to do with the kiddos while you’re gone. It might help him appreciate everything that you do once he has to carry the load without you! Then maybe he’ll be more hands on

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If he works a lot he might just be ok with staying home most of the time and relaxing, I’m a bit the same if the kids are busy on the iPads that’s quite becuase otherwise thee fighting with each other. Most of the time I would rather stay home on my day off then go out and be exhausted for another week of work

Ma’am I am going to say some things that you might not want to hear because I’m just not like everybody else and I kind of see the whole big picture ma’am you have no permission to say any of this about your husband actually you can vent and tell us how you feel but however this is your fault as well… And if you’re thinking about leaving your husband but you love him very much because he’s a couch potato and a lazy bum and just wants to sit at home on his time and is free time That’s the most ridiculous cop I’ve ever heard in my life and it’s kind of scary that you have three kids together and you’re thinking of leaving him and I’ve been together for 15 years because he doesn’t want to go out on activities with you and the kids? Lol ma’am. I mean are you serious right now you would throw away your three kids dad a 15 year relationship and the fact that you love him so much because he wants to be a bummp on a log?… Leave that man alone girl leaves leave that man alone and it’s none of your concern why he doesn’t want to go out with y’all or anything like that maybe he just wants to be a couch potato ma’am take your kids out by yourself stop sitting on the couch right along with him I’m playing them for it you have legs ma’am you have the gum gift of choice and dis start it Stop of your kids and go by yourself and you can’t say anything about him you’ve been with him for 15 years and clearly this wasn’t a problem up to now ma’am I know you wanna leave them lol ma’am you don’t share a brain or a body with him if he doesn’t want to go and you’re planning things take the kids yourself ma’am you’re not helpless nobody told you to sit your glue your butt and the kids went to those phones and iPads while he’s sitting there and doesn’t wanna go out go you by yourself. Ma’am this is your fault as well this is on you and him he’s been like this so for 15 years you just enabling the behavior and it’s affecting you because you just sit there right along with him and stare him from one couch to the other why you make your kids do the same take your ass and take those kids and go do your fun activities ma’am 15 years that man’s not going to change no matter how much you talk about it and maybe no no sense you’re a bugaboo which it sounds like to me because 15 years is way too long to be talking about let’s go in the Santa activity and I was talking about I might leave him LMAO ma’am I can already see it leave the man alone he’s not gonna change he doesn’t feel like going out on outings and stuff he probably just wants to relax and his free time who knows who cares take your kids yourself and you’re not helpless OK and you don’t play the victim with me this is your fault as well those kids are not able to go out because of you and him as well and if you don’t go out with because of him that’s your fault

Suck it up and be glad you can even be home. Obviously he likes it. You do fun things with the kids. He will eventually want to also.

You and kids go have fun he will want to join in

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Book!!! Marriage books and mentorship- seek out counseling- i an getting my love back for my husband with lots of work on both ends

Set limits and boundaries. If he doesn’t follow through, make your own plans and do things without him. If he wants to be included and it’s important enough for him, he will join in. If he doesn’t, I think you have some decisions to make. Not doing anything is essentially enabling him and I think most of us know that only makes things worse. If you don’t put your foot down now, you will never be happy. And I really hope, coming from someone who has been in this situation, that you are able to put your foot down because you deserve to be happy. And so do your kids

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Go on without him. Let him sit and play his games. Take the kids out to do fun stuff.

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I don’t think this is divorce worthy. Did anybody ask the kids what they want to do ? He may not know what to do at least he’s trying . It sounds like he’s not do what you want him to do even tho he’s trying. You never said he was a bad husband or bad parent

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Sports? Are your kids involved with sports

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I feel ya completely.
It’s so hard to always be carrying the baton.
Could y’all have a talk about it :thinking: like him planning 1-2 activities a week or however often would help :thinking: then hold him accountable. Ask him what he’s planning etc.
I’ve always really loved taking my kiddos to the park. Depending on ages- everyone doing that together could be fun :thinking:

Try focusing on the 80% good he does and let go of the 20% bad. Your marriage and home life will be much better. If we all focus on the 20% bad we will ruin a good marriage and not even think about the 80% that was worth staying for.

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Just do things with your children eventually he’ll get tired of being left out

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What can you do separated from him that you can’t do still married?
If you still love him, then I don’t suppose you want to start dating.
If it’s do fun things, Go do them. Either with the kids, with your friends, or alone so you can make new friends.
Make YOURSELF happy. Explore your own interests.
Start there and see where that leads you.

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He’s not going to change.

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It sounds like your husband is fine and happy with being at home and the same goes for the kids. It sounds like everyone happy with what their doing but you. Maybe go out and take a spa day for yourself or something you enjoy because it sounds like they are just fine.

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Cut off the internet for a start. Pull the plug for a few hours on the power box another and go fishing or the park with the family. Get a sitter for the kids for the weekend and go somewhere with the husband were there are no distractions (TV or video games). Take up an interest you are both interested in, my late husband and I took up golf and we played every weekend also took weekend trips at resorts that had golf courses just so we could play in style once in a awhile having a sauna afterwards with nice dinner being waited on. Bring back the romance in your relationship.

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Can you take a week off ?? ALONE ?? Can you go visit a relative or friend, or anything ?? Make him step up and see how it works.

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Watch ‘The Nanny’ she often has great ideas that wake up the whole family to become a family once again

Off topic, but not. Solid advice. I read an article the other day that explained the constant need of amusing our children. In this article, it mentioned activities that are free are often the funnest and allow our children to explore who they are. Going to walks, riding bikes, roller skating, playing at a park, playing tag, competing at jump rope, drawing with chalk. Stuff like that teaches them so much valuable life lessons. Let him stay on his game and make memories. Because right now, the only memories you might be making is fighting with their dad. Be the adult for your kids.

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The grass isn’t always greener.
Maybe you just need to change things up a bit. Do things you have never done before and without the kids. Sometimes we make everything about them and forget ourselves. I’m not saying do everything alone but something’s.

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My advice is to just do the fun things w/ the kids. Live your life :sparkles::revolving_hearts: eventually he will be bored of being alone and join y’all or you’ll realize you never needed him to enjoy yourself either way​:sparkles:

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It’s just a difference in opinion basically. Not everyone likes to go and do outings. If you are unhappy then you need to work on you to fix that. No one else controls you. Don’t tie up your happiness in other people bc you’ll always be disappointed.

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No job he will not change good luck

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turn off the electricity. When you get home turn it back on, it’s in the fuse panel usually in the garage.

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As a mother & wife who is going third this but we have a toddler I can say for a fact that he won’t change. Put down boundaries & be prepared to leave w the kids. Show him that u are willing to leave in order to provide a better life w out him for the kids. Do not let him drag u & the kids down w him. He won’t change. Again I am currently going thru this myself & am saving up money. Do not let him destroy those kids lives

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I notice a lot of people check out on these devices to ignore issues they may be dealing with.
Works stress, past trauma, or sometimes just laziness.
Just come from a place of love and talk to your husband about it. I tried for years with yelling and it did nothing.

My granny always said kill ‘em with kindness.

You get more flys with sugar than salt.

I love picnics at the park, cheap sandwiches and kids outside.

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My wife and I are wired very differently. For instance if we’re both in a room together and I’m reading a book while she crochets I feel like we’ve spent time together. She feels like we’ve spent time together if we’ve done an activity outside of the house. Neither of us is wrong.

I would suggest finding a good family therapist not because things are in crisis but so that they can help you find compromise and a middle road. Sometimes that third voice is all that you need to gain some understanding.

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Honestly a good start is less screen time, it’ll allow your kids to be more creative on their own and maybe with come up with things on their own they’d like for you to do with them, or just include them on your daily activities, really just try to get closer with your kids don’t worry about your hubby. Get to know your kids see where their head is at right now, how they’ve been feeling, it’s not only about going to do things to be fun, simple dancing around the house , playing weird made up games, those types of memories will mean the most in the end❤️

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Dont leave him but take a break… it will do wonders for you & him. it will get him out of the house and into reality and the real world… use have been together that long he’s probably stuck in a rut himself

Go out & put him in charge of the kids for a night, a day, a weekend or a week so he sees what you deal with. Do it frequently.

Stop doing for him. Let him fix his own meals, do his own laundry. Warn him in advance, but don’t give in.

Change the Wi-fi password or disable his games or hide the console. He has to earn his hours on it.

Sit down & divvy up the chores/tasks. Let him choose half of them. Include things like managing schedules, making lunches, checking homework & backpacks, planning a weekly outing in addition to vacuuming, dishes, dusting, baby bathing & changing. Put him in charge of potty training. If he doesn’t do something, don’t pick up the slack. Let the kids yell at him for not getting them somewhere on time. If his laundry, dishes, paperwork are stacking up, pile them on top of his gaming console or on his side of the bed.

Definitely go to therapy for yourself. Discover who you are separate from your family, job & motherhood.

Also pick something you think you’d enjoy and go do it: singing in a choir, taking a painting class, a yoga class, a language class, learning to knit or build or refinish old furniture. Join a women’s sports league, a dance troupe, a volunteer brigade that tends to animals or cleans up streams, fight for a cause. Learn to swim, box, ice skate, do judo or karate, operate a backhoe, arrange flowers, keep bees. If you don’t enjoy it, try something else. And remember, you don’t have to be good at it to enjoy something.

Have family meetings where you discuss grievances, give thanks & come up with ideas and solutions every week. Don’t gripe the rest of the time, just have everyone put it on the agenda for the meeting. Plan family outings together and put different family members in charge of different aspects. The two year old can dial phone numbers, call roll & check to be sure everyone is buckled up in the car.

Also hope y’all still have date nights. Take turns planning them. They can be mid-week lunches or weekend matinees, not just Saturday nights.

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Call and have the internet turned off. Tablets and phones shouldn’t be raising children

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Ummm listen to yourself, and ya know what to do

You’re not gonna change and either is he.
So take the kids out to do fun stuff and when they are home they are gaming.

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I love the Otpus had where you can pause the household internet, just if you could turn off any data on kids devices also somehow. Is there any family sports, movies, events that all could participate in even if a few hours once a week or fortnight? How old are the kids and what are their strengths?

Make memories with your children. Don’t let his lack of motivation to go stop you. Make plans for the children and go. If he chooses to go, great, if not, his loss.

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Those gaming systems are toxic

Sounds like you know what needs to happen… the whole time you stay it will continue to be the same… get those kiddies out n have fun x

Plan and do outside stuff with the kids.

Get happy or get gone

Plan and go out and have fun with the children, they will have lots of great memories of at least one parent being present! It’s His loss if he doesn’t want to join in, but the kids shouldn’t have to suffer for his selfish behavior!

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Get rid of his gaming system

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Set up some things for you and him and your children to do and say come on this is what we’re going to do today

A lot of men are like that you just got to say come on this is what we’re going to do today

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There is so much left out of this that it’s hard to give genuine advice. Such as: is he an extreme introvert where planning and executing public activities is a huge drain on him? Are you all having financial issues where he sees constant outings as a financial strain that the family just can’t handle? Are the kids in multiple sports activities where there is little time for them to just exist as kids so when you all are home he is content to just let them, and him, play games? There are a thousand possible reasons why he could he acting like this apart from just being lazy and not caring.

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I know how you feel! My husband is very anti social, even with me, and I literally have to beg him to do things. I wanted to take the kids to the fair this past weekend, but I made the mistake of leaving him and my 2 kids in walmart by the video games. So he spent 60 on video games but never even considered going to the fair like I suggested. I know what my kids need, they need real life experiences not game experience. I’ve tried to explain this to him but he don’t “want to hear me go on and on about it” so idk what to do either.

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He needs to grow up!! Don’t stop having fun with your kids though… He is the one missing out

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Turn off the wifi !
Tomorrow evening you play on your phone and when dinner doesnt appear or clothes not washed the next day then the why will appear !!

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Honestly therapy is the route he truly needs to take cuz of a few things. One he’s obviously addicted to video games,2 he might have social anxiety from just leaving the house so again going to a therapist of some sort to may be diagnosed if he does have some underlying health issues if put on the right path for him might help ur fam. Sorry no I am not trying to push an agenda on u just giving advice from personal exp. But that doesn’t mean u can’t make as many beautiful memories urself wit ur children so they rnt missing out completely. I understand it’s frustrating and I wish u the best of luck.

Honestly I was with my s/o when since 14-25 years old. I was unhappy for the same reasons you just listed above. I moved in with my parents started seeing someone else a few years later. And I still think about my ex. When you love someone and you know you love them it’s better to not give up. Also. Nobody is going to love your kids more than you and your s/o. They might get out and play with them but trust me when I say this. It doesn’t matter how much time and attention your kids get from someone else. They still can’t wait to see dad when it’s time to go there. It doesn’t matter if my ex sits inside and plays video games all day and let’s our kids do the same. They love him unconditionally because that’s their dad. Kids love endlessly. It’s not about toys and fun times for kids. It’s about the love. Mom guilt is a real thing. Always thinking you can do better for your kids. I promise your kids are happy. Now about the video games. They are a true relationship ruiner. Honestly this may sound immature but I’d break it. Those things are so expensive it would probably be hard to get another one. And you could just act like you don’t know what happened to it. My new boyfriend plays video games on his phone girl. All men are the same.

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Love is not everything. And honestly your love for your kids come first always. Your teaching them how to love others. You can leave and give them a better life and find a man willing to do what is needed to support you. Good luck

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Your problem comes from within. It’s not your husband’s fault he isn’t able to plan activities, your going thru the same thing. Your complaining about his gaming and I am sitting here thinking at least he’s at home… You should make a list of fun things to do with your kids and both of you sit down together and go thru the list.
You’re bored, stop blaming.

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I’ve learned to do things with the kids alone. Eventually just like my husband he’ll get tired of being alone in the house and go for the ride.
My husband is anti social and would much prefer to stay home. After a few times of us leaving and him staying behind he got a little bored of that.

And nothing is stopping you from putting restrictions on the kids devices so they can only play on them for so long. My kids get 3 hours a day (spread out) anything in between their outside playing, participating in chores, building things, exploring.

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Take all the devices and force them to do something rather then play on electronics all day.

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First noone can make you unhappy. Only you are responsible for your happiness. Putting it on someone else is a huge feat and you will always be faced with disappointment. It’s too big of a responsibility to put on someone else.

But it just sounds like your burnt out. You want someone to be just as active as you as a parent. But I will caveat that you can not make someone a great father. That is another responsibility that falls on them. If you believe that your kids are not having the fun they deserve, what is the measurement you are measuring by. You mention he sometimes will plan then nothing it’s a cycle. Does he measure event by one a month and you measure by once a weekend. This is the part of communication you need to have bc when we make assumptions it leads to failed expectations. I will argue as well that is the expectation as a parent are you setting it too high to compensate for guilt? We all want to be the parent planning and doing things with our kids, but work, the mundane house chores, life, marriage, we need balance. My aim in every other weekend we do something. And the we is interchangeable to maybe me and the kids…then him and the kids…or all of us. And doing something doesn’t typically revolve around money or going out, but activities we can just all do. Like we all play mario party on a saturday…we do ice cream Friday’s at home and make our own cones with spri kles etc. And then maybe play together out in the backyard.

Hope you find happiness for you. If you left him because you want more for your kids, then how can you still instill him to be a great father? It doesn’t resolve the unhappiness you expressed here.

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If he’s a good man and the only thing he flaws at it this. Then take it as a blessing cause it is and continues to do the planning hun. Sometimes we are so overwhelmed by the day to day that we miss our blessings. Keep planning the trips and adventures keep being the parent that always has fun things to do cause one day those kids will be adults and the time will have already past. He will one day see your hard efforts and if he doesn’t it’s ok. Men have very simple ways of thinking they don’t see things the way we do.

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I feel that each partner has a roll. And these rolls change as we grow. Together. Does your happiness rely on him? Does he need to be where you are for you to have enjoyment ? Just a thought

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It sounds like you have different ideas of what is fun. It sounds like he is willing to join you for the things you consider fun. Limited electronics time for the kids makes sense and you are a parent. It sounds like you and your husband need to communicate. Pick a neutral time. Couples tend to talk in the middle of whatever the conflict is about, which leads to an argument. Therapy allows an opportunity to do this with guidance.

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I feel this! We never do anything fun and it’s always on me to take the kids to the park or the water park or the splash pad. When he had them while I have things to do I will suggest he takes them to the park or something and he’s like…why would I do that thats hard ill just put them in the car and ride around with them…it infuriates me!!

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Go buy a hot rod car and start going out and driving around by yourself. Go to the ice cream shops and things that the kids would would enjoy. Parks and lakes. The kids will follow, maby one at a time. Pick the things you know they will like. The rest will follow. Then psychology will do the rest. If your s/o doesn’t, leave him at home. At least you’ll have some fun and if he’s no fun at home, leave him!

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Sit down together with a month planner and plan fun things together for the month. That’s my best Advice

Leaving only makes it harder.

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Having teenagers, they love having a dad that will sit and play video games with them. It might be a great way for them to bond as your kids get older!

Maybe tell him you want him to plan one or two activities a month that is all him. Like the whole deal, when to leave, where to go, what’s for lunch, everything. Maybe provide him an example of one of your outings so he has a template to go off of. Good luck!

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NO ONE is responsible for your happiness but yourself.

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Try to go out every weekend with the kids to the park. Invite him. While over there, try to enjoy that time with him. Maybe even connect with him.
Look for pretty parks.
Sometimes a walk at the park is all you need to put things into perspective.

Decide if you want to still be having this conversation when you are 40 or 50 …things dont change so I’d the answer is no, that is okay. I don’t mean to sound cynical but sometimes love isn’t enough. People grow apart.

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Make the plans and have him included in them. Plan something that he enjoys also. Him playing video games all day sounds like depression.

Well how to solve this is go without out him and enjoy yourself and not worry about him…

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Make your own plans and leave him at home.

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Are you sure you love him or was it a caring sense with a touch of liking the familiarity? Many people were never in love and don’t realize it until they get far down the line or experience actually being in love with someone.

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Do something you like to do
Like I like to play video games so I play video game then pause the game to attend to kids the back to the game.

Tell him exactly how you feel. His response will be very telling! If he cares there’s a chance if he doesn’t hear you then I’d think about leaving a little harder.

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Plan a lovely week long vacation for yourself. Find out if you enjoy your own company. If not, address that first. If you do, watch and see what happens, and make this an annual practice regardless of the outcome.

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Do something for you. Go swimming, yoga, nice parks and outings on your own. Don’t tell th where your going and just go. They’ll soon wonder what your up to. Do things that make you happy. If they ask where you’ve been, tell them. Next time they might want to come. The old saying you can take a horse to water…comes to mind. I was a single mum and exhausted from looking after my kids until I joined a gym. Then the kids decided they wanted to come swimming with me. You could ask the kids what they’d like to do. You don’t have to include your husband on trips out if you don’t want to. In my experience family members soon don’t want to be missing out on what you’re doing.

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You are doing it all!!!

If he plays video games he is still a child. You rasing a husband child

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Leave and find you someone that will work and help your family grow

Well your situation was mine 2 years ago, to a t! Time to get rid of him!! It doesn’t get any better tbh! Heck game time came over everYthing​:woman_shrugging:t3: Happily divorced over here :relaxed:

I see a similar complaint on here multiple times a week. Men that only want to sit and play video games and not help at home. It’s an addiction and it’s ruining your marriage.

Plan for the kids to stay with friends or family for a weekend. Pack a bag. Book a nice motel room and dont say a word. About any of it. Just bounce for 2 days. Dont grocery shop before, dont clean shit and hide the xbox(?) Let dude sit and think about that sh*t for 2 days while you’re not answering his phone calls.