My husband and I have been together for 5 years now. We have an almost four year old daughter together. I have never been a person who has advocated for divorce but I’m done. He hasn’t had a job in over a year and a half. Doesn’t cook, clean, does bare bare minimum. Doesn’t want more in life. I have had to call the police on him before, but it ended up being a mental health episode and was in the mental hospital for five days, two different occasions. I have stuck by his side, time and time again. I do everything for our family and he just sits around and games all day. I’m tired and I deserve more. The two people I have talked to who I trust whole heartedly have said it’s time. Problem is the lease is in his name, the car is in his name, even though I have made all the money and paid for everything it’s this feeling of I’m going to suffer and lose everything because of him. I feel almost paralyzed and afraid to make a move because I just don’t know. It’s like I can’t. I don’t know what to do and feel so alone. I’m 27, life hasn’t been easy which I know if it was easy life wouldn’t be worth it. But I feel like I’m slowly dying inside and don’t know how to leave. I know it sounds simple, like just get up and leave but I feel like I can’t.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I think I need to divorce my husband: Advice?
You’ve got this! Your happiness is important too
Sometimes leaving is the only way and if he truly loves you he’ll work on himself
Start putting money aside each week.You can do this.I was with my ex husband who was abusive(spent from the age of 15-32 with him)I got out.If I can do it,so can you.Its not going to be easy but,you can do this.
Question was it his mental health or yours? If his it sounds like he has depression. Have you communicated your feelings with him?
Open a secret account and start putting money into it. Once you’ve saved enough leave him the house, the car and whatever else is in his name and just go. It may take a little, but then he can’t take it from you.
He doesn’t have a job but
Every thing is in his name ???
Can you put your name on the lease and car? Can you start saving up money to get your own? Without him having a job he will also loose everything!
Just do what makes you happy. Yeah you might lose some things but it’s only material. Those can eventually be replaced. In the end you’ll be happier
You absolutely can girl! As a fellow 27 year old who left a marriage with nothing but my child, I am telling you you are so much more than you think. My now husband, left his previous marriage and lost ALOT that HE paid for and had to rebuild himself before he met me and is still rebuilding himself. If you need a friend my inbox is open
I went through the exact same situation. I finally left and can’t imagine my life still being the way it was. My daughter bloomed from leaving a toxic situation and to me, the things I lost in the marriage weighed much less than the guilt would have been if I stayed.
Leave. Start over. Get a new apartment and car in your name. Let him figure it out with the old stuff.
You can do anything u set ur mind to do. U can move n get u a place get everything in ur name an don’t ever put anything in anyone’s name that u pay for.
I think you need to weigh up what’s more important… material possessions or your happiness.
I know which one id choose.
Doesn’t matter who’s name it’s in I don’t think. Let the judge decide!
It sounds like you can do this it sounds like you’ve been doing this… Things don’t change run as soon as you can
I feel like i was reading my own life story. How can we just leave because society wont accept because were unhappy. He will just say well fix it and not fix and feel stuck again and idk … im in your same boat kinda
I walked away with the clothes on my back and what I could pack in a duffle for my kids once, I regret nothing. It’s hard but I managed it
If you’re married, you can likely get the car in the divorce as it’s transportation for you and the kids. It’s possible (not 100%) since you don’t own your home and only rent that you’ll have to move out. However, consider how bad things are, that’s a small price to pay to protect your children.
Tell him you want to trade in the vehicle for a new one and at that time change it into your name and during this time until thatbgets done prepare everything else to leave
U already got 1 foot out the door! Push that other 1 out while you’re still young!
You got to do whats best for you and your child. Maybe it be less stress for you and make him see theres more to life then games n couch
Absolutely. You don’t need another child. Tell him to leave immediately
Stop paying the bills, save up all your money where he can’t access it and make your escape.
If you need to chat. Feel free to message me.
Is there anyone you can stay with while you figure out how to rent or buy a place of your own? He’ll end up losing the house if he doesn’t even have a job because how will he pay for it?
You’ve already been doing it on your own. Run.
Go get a car in your name and bounce stay with family until you can find a place
You have to go. You can do it. Do you have proof you have paid for everything. Get a lawyer. Start there. It’s time
Save up enough to get your own little apartment and a small cash car for you and your daughter. Then leave. He can figure out his life after you leave. He’s a waste of space from the sounds of it I would be unhappy too!
Start slow. Start saving. See if you can switch things to your name. Maybe tell him you want to go back to school and it’ll help with student loans ECT if stuff in your name. Quietly gather documents, photos, stuff, until you have all you need. OR if it’s in his name, stop paying rent and save for your own place.
File for sole legal/residential custody right away.
Get your own car and then stop paying his. If it’s in his name that’s his problem. Start looking for places to live. Set aside money and be prepared to go when you go.
I would put money back either around your house, or with a trusted friend, don’t get an account. If there’s a paper trail and he finds out he can still take half in the divorce. Save your money somewhere it won’t be found, once you have enough saved up and a place picked out, file your divorce, then after it has been legally filed with a court go ahead and get your home and car. Then he can’t try and take half of it claiming marital assets
You young kids hit one bump in the road and want to call it quits. Your vows said for better or worse, sickness and health, til death do us part. 5yrs is nothing. Figure out a way to help him help you. Smh. Marriage is work that works if you work it.
If you can show that you are the one making the payments on the car, you shouldn’t have trouble getting it. Perhaps you could go to a local women’s shelter until you can get on your feet. You can always rent a storage unit and take things our of the house when you can then when you are able to get your own place you will have some of what you need.
Save money first and then leave or fight for the vehicle in the divorce.
If it’s all in his name, then that’s an easy out. It will all fall on him. After you leave, he’ll HAVE to figure it on his own…
Get your own place and car. Don’t sit around being unhappy. A man should work and provide for his family.
Its not simple my lovely but doable, you need to seek legal counsel to check.ur rights. Ive been where you are hon, its the hardest thing you will ever do but you are strong enough and need to leave whilst you still have life to live and time to show your little one how life SHOULD be lived and how women SHOULD be treated.
I waited til my husband left rather than leaving when I shud of. My daughters are strong, happy independent women but its been a long road.
Be strong, start slowly, put by whatever you can…pennies soon add up and work towards your own and ur little ones happiness xx good luck my lovely xx
Stay strong for you child. Don’t do shit for him. U can do it I would b gone.
Sit down and tell him, this is your breaking point. You are unhappy, and he can’t be bothered to change to better himself, and it’s effecting your marriage. Tell him you love him, but he needs to find a job, help out around the house, and sell his video games if he wants the relationship to work. That he needs to get onto some antidepressants, and that if he wants to put the effort into making it work, that he needs to be an active role playing member in the relationship.
You are not his maid, you are not his bank account, you are not his personal chef. If he can’t help out, if he can’t contribute then you need him to pack his things.
If he wants to make it work, then he also needs to work on the relationship emotionally as well, because you have lost a lot of emotions that use to be there, and have replaced them with resentment due to feeling like he couldn’t be bothered to show he loves, respects, and cares about not only you, but himself, and the house you two should be building together.
If these words don’t give him any feelings other than anger, or he simply cannot be bothered to try to change then tell him that you will not make the vehicle payments, the house payments, the bill payments, because you will be moving out and getting all these things on your own.
If you have already done what I stated above, then leave. Pack your stuff and your daughters stuff and go stay with one of the two people who are by your side, because they will also want to help you get on your feet. You are not alone, it sounds like you have 2 people that you are able to talk to and that they want to see what’s best for you.
You pack up yours and your daughters things and leave. You’re already ahead than most women by having a job and having money. When you’re on a lunch break at work go look at apartments and get one secured before moving out. Have all yours and your daughters important documents in a protected area that he can’t access. Also do not tell him you’re leaving either till after you leave.
I finally gave up on a 20 year marriage… don’t wait that long!! Half my life has passed me by. I left him 6 years ago… lost my house, my suv… he had utilities shut off on me. I started dating 6 months later … I’ve been with my current boyfriend for almost 5 years now and I couldn’t be happier. I didn’t know you could be with someone you actually clicked with. Had fun with and had so much in common with. Don’t settle! Life is short and being with someone that drags you down and makes you unhappy is no life at all. I’m happier on my own and I don’t even live with my boyfriend… I want to do it all without needing a man. I started my own pet grooming business … I’m doing great and my ex hates it and ya know what? He lives with his mommy and his girlfriend… he doesn’t work, just sits around drinking and watching sports. He only sees our youngest son… not our adult children and barely knows his grandkids! His loss! He’s their problem now. Good luck! Do what is best for YOU!
He needs professional help
Tell him to leave you have given him credit to get these things on his own…or get your own place…move one thing at a time into it…and when he starts something you have a place to go…I did it after 34 years of marriage…and he ruined my ctedit…
It isn’t easy love. But it is possible and so very worth it! If you ever need to chat with someone who has been in your shoes, message me.
If you’ve been paying for those things then you should be able to get your own car and lease.
He may be struggling with his mental health but unless he is willing to try to change things nothing will change. You can choose to take care of yourself and child and find a place to be separate while you decide what’s best for you. Hugs
From personal experience I can say that you will be just fine if you leave even though you’ll have nothing. When I was with my ex husband I didn’t work, he paid for everything. I left him. I had nothing but I managed. I won’t lie, it wasn’t easy but it was worth my happiness. You too can do this! I may be a single mom to 4 kids but I’m so much happier now. If you want to chat, feel free to send me a message or a friend request! I’ll gladly help you
Yes it will suck but things like a car can be replaced, your mental health and feeling of suffering and dying inside won’t go away as long as you have this leech. Make a plan and get rid of him whether it’s filing for eviction to kick him out or you making a plan to leave to your own place. File for that divorce asap and get the process going. No reason to babysit and adult man child, you and your baby deserve more.
This is not a simple situation at all… You’re thinking about how you will struggle after… You’re thinking about how your kid could get hurt… You don’t want to be the one “responsible” (even though you really aren’t) for breaking up your family… I feel like this is not something anyone can give you direction on… You have to leave when you feel like it’s time… When you’re done… Yes, it’ll be super fucking hard after, but your mental health will be better. You could try talking to him? But I don’t know enough about him to know if that would work. I hope that you can find some peace in this. This situation sucks. I’m so sorry hun.
You have to make a plan. I know it’s hard and not immediately active but it works when you have a strategy. Find a way to get some money stacked up and find a place to stay before you leave. With all that in his name let him have it n tell him to pay for it. When you go for the divorce ask for child support at least. As for him it sounds like he might have some depression issues. I struggle with it myself and it’s some hard stuff. Ask the courts for him to get help w that too.
How’s everything in his name if he doesn’t have a job
Sometimes it’s better to lose everything and just start over….new beginning for you and your daughter. Make a plan and start putting back some money and look forward to what the future will hold for you…all the happiness you will have without having to deal with everything you are dealing with now. You got this.
You’re married and you can prove you pay for everything. It doesn’t matter who’s name it is in when you’re married.
If everything is in his name that’s better for you, you have no responsibility to pay those off for him. Start paying for your own things (own car, own home, etc.) and get out on your own.
Get everything together that you need ,start packing clothes you aren’t wearing & leave them at your parents or a very good friend. I did this 13 years ago, & I am very happy now. I can’t be with a man that lays around all day while I work. No man is worth it.
Sounds like he used you.
Put together a plan! Get your affairs in order with the living situation, the car, and your child. Then leave. It’ll work out, just get ontop of your business!
When your married I thought everything is both yours unless you go it before you got married. I would get a free consultation with a lawyer and see what you can do.
Leave. Take it to court and show he hasnt done anything to help with these possessions
It might benefit you now bc stuff isn’t in both of your names. But a judge could absolutely make you pay half of anything that happens. I’m just sayin! You’re married. That makes it half yours.
I’d talk to a lawyer first.
start living for you, start with a exit plan…stick to it. Dont waste more of your years, he chose his path…time to chose yours
Prepare yourself if you’re the one paying for everything keep the receipt with evidence that is you paying for everything and then file for divorce
There’s help for women out there . You and your daughter can stay at womens shelter and get a stand up not a hand out!
You answered your own question when you said you deserve more. Your are exactly right you do! Losing things that can be replaced is nothing. Life is to short see if you can stay with family or a friend till you get on your feet. If he doesn’t want to give you the car he’s going to lose it if he doesn’t pay for it let him
Lose it. Regain your life you are to young.
Start making a plan now. Calculate everything
Time to put the bills n vehicle in your name…since u say u pay for it all…mayb he is depressed or has mental health issues…professional help may b required…
You are married everything is equal and im guessing you will probably havw your daughter so the judge will grant you the car also since you are the one with a job and can prove that you can pay for everything and your daughter will be in your favor…I just went through this
Show that you have paid for everything. They will probably order him to get it put in your name
In a lot of states assets are 50/50 if you are married whether or not only one spouses name is on whatever… You should get advice from a lawyer.
I will say if he hasn’t worked for a year and a half and continues to not work he may be able to get child support from you. A lot of men become “dad of the year” once they get left so be prepared for him to fight.
Why is the car and the lease in his name ? … he is not paying for anything, you are … Get it switched over to your name … I really hope your bank account is not in his name
I’m divorced &, stuck it out for years for the kids. When I finally got divorced, the boys both told me, I wish you had gotten divorced sooner. So, don’t wait for the kids you’re only hurting them more!!
Time to go. If the car is in his name but you pay for it, get a new car. Same with the house. If you pay for it, you should be able to get your own place just fine. Although I’m not sure how he would benefit from a house and vehicle that he can’t pay for
Agreements can be made in the divorce for you to continue with the car payments and have the title signed over to you once paid off￼. You can obviously show proof that you are the one who has been making the payments
Did he purchase the car and the house before you??? Why are they only in his name? If he were to die tomorrow, you’d be duped. Get that changed. And for heavens sake, get a job, a good paying job. He can fend for himself. If he knows your feelings about his do-nothing attitude and chooses to do nothing about it, isn’t that the answer?
Depending on the laws in your state once you get married it might be half yours automatically. I would do a free consult with a lawyer. It sounds like your paralyzed by fear and anxiety. Totally normal to feel that way! It’s a huge life change, but think of how much better it could be for you and your baby
count your loses and walk away.and start a new life for yourself
Do some free consultations with lawyers to find out your best move. They can advise you what’s best in your situation and your particular state. At some point you should get out for your own well being but do some talking and start quietly making plans.
He may be in a depression slump
Girl you have a child she’s gonna see you miserable and upset you need start living for the two of you and get out now.
Sounds like he suffers from severe mental depression. Some people’s mental illness does stop them from keeping a full time job. Get him into counseling and on disability if his condition is bad enough. If it ain’t his mental illness then leave cuz he’s just lazy.
Maybe try sitting him down and give him an ultimatum and tell him he either gets a job and starts helping around the house or you want a divorce . If he is going to be a child about it or refuse to do anything then just without even saying anything find your own place and get your own car and then once have your own place and your own car just pack up and leave. He will be forced to get a job if he wants to keep his house and car but it’s not your problem they are in his name so it’s his responsibility.
The car is a marital asset. You can privately contact who holds your lease and ask if it can be transferred to your name once he leaves the premises. Explain that he has mental health struggles so it’s better for you and the kid to stay there legally. Then have a back up plan. Have a family member who is willing to let you stay with them for a decent rent price and focus on being single and going through with the divorce.
You tell your husband that he has a DUTY to himself, the marriage and your daughter to go get help and until he does you will be taking the car so you can work and staying somewhere else. He will then have a choice to seek adequate care with professionals. He needs meds. Therapy and time to find himself. You will have your ducks in a row to take over the apartment and rent solo. He can go get help and you can find somewhere else to go when the lease is up. If he is seeking in patient care you have all legal rights to occupy the residence.
He can man up and seek what he needs to be happy and healthy , with or without you in his life, or he miserable and alone with no help. You may see a difference once he begins treatment
I honestly would get a divorce lawyer and go from there they can help
Sometimes you have start from the bottom. Let him have everything in his name. God will give you more blessing and give you. Pray about it in Jesus name.
If it’s all in his name tell him he can either go with you to put it in your name or you’ll let it all fall. It’s his name on the line not yours
There are 2 sides to his name being on everything…one is a way for him to manipulate and control the situation but the 2nd completely excuses you from any responsibility of the debts he’ll face when you leave. Clean slate
I’d get in contact with an attorney who could steer you in the right direction both financially seperating and with custody…get all of that figured out before you take the steps to remove yourself from the situation. Have everything lined up before telling him anything.
Better yet don’t tell him til you have everything legally taken care of on yours and your child’s end…then just leave. No bye, no FU…not a damn thing cuz he ain’t worth it. Be yours and your daughter’s advocate and be ruthless…all mom’s have that ruthlessness…it’s your time to shine baby. Also…when you’re done you know it, don’t second guess it. When you stop feeling anything but disgust and resentment…you know you’re done. When you stop crying about it… you’re ready. Praying for you…I truly mean that. Trust yourself
Part of this is domestic abuse and financial abuse call the local womens shelter and they will help you.
Yall are married and if you bought anything while married its mutual property so it has to be technically split… if you can prove you have paid it all you can get it in the divorce
If the lease is in his name, let him have it.
Has he had a physical ? Could be depression or something the medicine might help. Even if it doesn’t work out it might help him be a better dad. Have you done any counseling at least for yourself. So maybe since he doesn’t work maybe you can get things in his name . You must of had the car for a while since your the one that works. If your not interested at all then just talk to him and maybe he’d be the one to leave or at least sign the car to you. You first have to decide if you want to give it one more try and get help or break up and move on.
I started over with no job skills (SAHM) and two kids under 5. I was scared and lost. But let me tell you how much I appreciated every single thing I purchased and obtained. It was all mine, all by my hard work. You got this!
Start your exit plan now. Save for a new place. Try to get a used car that you can pay for in full or have low payments. I left right after receiving our tax refund. Took the money and got a van and job, but was staying with my dad. It wasn’t easy with 4 kids, but I was able to get us in a better position than with their father. Now I’m remarried and doing alright.
Your choice you made the first one !!
I reached the point you have and I just had to jump. I had to believe better was out there. I wanted better for my girls. I was scared sh!tless but I did it. I landed on my feet. I was prepared. Just get your ducks in a row first is my best advice. I made sure I had things in order financially and not to say there weren’t bumps in the road overall it went well for me. Better is out there for you. You deserve better. You can do hard things. I read once that it takes is three seconds of insane courage. Find your three seconds.
Sometimes you just have to go . If Momma ain’t happy nobody’s happy!! you got to be
Let him keep the house and the car since it’s in his name. It’s his problem how he’s going to pay for it with no job. Then you can start fresh and get your own car and house with your income.