Hubby and I have been together for ten years in July; we have four kids together. He is the only one that works, so I can stay at home with the kids. I love my kids, and I would never want them to leave my side, but I feel like I’m going to go crazy if I don’t get out of this house or at least have help with all four kids. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to him; I told him I want a job. He says if I get a job, then I have to pay for all the child care. I don’t see that it’s only my responsibility to pay for the child care, but he says that’s the only way it works if I had a job. His family owns a local restaurant, and that’s where he has been since he was 16 (now 31); I said something about me working one shift and him working the other, and that idea was instantly shot down. I just want out of the house for a little while a day and to actually get to be an adult not just mommy. What do I need to do? I’m tired of feeling bad because I want to get out of the house.
Perhaps you cound approach his family about helping put one day a week and letting go e of them watch the kids fora day in exchange.
Go get a job, don’t let him control you. He has to get use to your independence. It may be expensive for childcare though so just think it through and do whats best for you and your family
Well I agree about the child care part you want to work then you pay for it ,that’s why your husband pulls the income to give you that choice you not being at home for work then your kids will be in day care with the same hours in place of being at home with you hence therefore your hours your pay get it with your husband’s income bills get paid and all that comes along with that and therefore the child care and if you really want to work then you could do that home with online jobs and hire a nanny but then again that you would pay for too because they’ll be under your watch and if you really need to get out then on his days off leave the kids with him and you take the day for yourself have a girl’s day
call social services, they might be able to help you.
Don’t feel bad. Just do it. Child care is not only your responsibility. He enjoyed making those babies he can either help take care of them or help pay for child care so you can work or do whatever you want. Mothers being the only caretaker is dead and gone. Work opposite shifts of him and you dont need childcare because he can take care of them.
I was a sahm and when I got a job I paid child care. We needed more money. There wasn’t extra in his check for it. Do you know what childcare for 4 kids runs? Maybe wait until they are school age and get a job but for now see if family or friends could give you a break once in a while.
Use that money and pay for a divorce
Wow just and get a job why should you only have to be at home and be the only one to not get a job, that’s just dumb…work opposite shifts so he can watch the kids when you work. That would be fair on both your parts if you work days he does not then no child care is needed
Do you have a family member like Mom or Grandma that could watch them one day a week,so you can have some me time?
Tell him you’re done watching his kids and make him figure it out. Bet he’ll get tired of being a house slave reaaaaaaallly fast too. Don’t give up your freedom so someone else can have theirs.
Have you looked into the reasons why he doesn’t want you to work? Is it just because he thinks you should be home with the kids or is he being insecure? I would have thought the extra money would be handy … you have a right to be fulfilled too. I don’t know what your answer to this is, but I sure can understand how you must be feeling. If you decide not to work, then tell him that you need the company of other adults in some other way, e.g. playgroup, coffee morning etc. He might decide you working is not such a bad thing after all! To be a happy mum you have to look after your needs as well.
For people saying he needs to take care of his kids, he does. He’s the bread winner. It makes no sense to get a job, if your going to pay for child care. Its expensive AF. You’re better off getting a hobby, to where you can leave the house for a few hours. I find it more enjoyable. Although him and I both work. (He’s on days and I work nights)
I would start disappearing on his day off he gets a day off, you do too.
Get a job anyway and state aid for childcare if possible. If your kids are kindergarten age and above then work while they’re in school. I’d flat out tell him that he’s being abusive. Then get up on his day off before he does and leave for the day, all day. Seriously.
Get a job! For the hours he’s home then he can watch the kids.
It would be logical to wait a year or two until they’re all in school and then work not having to depend on daycare. For now ask a family member or HIM to give you a moms day out once a week for whatever you feel like. Tell him to give you a day a week for adult time or your working!
I’d get out of that relationship, there are a lot of resources for single parents 
He sounds toxic and has no problem taking advantage of you
Last time I checked those children are both of y’all’s he’s just as responsible for child care as you
I thought this is 2020 not 1950…
Financial abuse, look into it. I can understand the childcare issue, but if he cared about you or your wellbeing, he’d find a way to give you some “me time” or find a compromise.
It’s 2021 not the stones ages. Do what you wanna do!
Sorry…all kinds of red flags here.
If the only reason u need to get out of the house to get away.from things my suggestion to you would be do something volunteer or join a club or something a bowling league? Ect. But if u want to start making your own money that’s another story. Your obliged to be there. It’s more of a commitment. Think about it but your husband shouldnt be so controlling u can do what ever u want no harm in that care good luck
His days off give him kids n say I need some time - I would work on his days off at the restaurant NO NEED FOR CHILD CARE!! You need your time n also some $ for things maybe ya want to buy for birthdays holidays out of your earnings n feel better doing that ??
If he is going to be the bread winner I can understand his concern. Sometimes it costs more for childcare than working. unfortunately
Is he your father? Are you a child? No and no!! He’s their father, he’ll take care of them when you walk out that door, promise!
For starters he is not the only one that works… he is the only one that works out of the home. GET THAT STRAIGHT. I do not blame you for wanting to work out of the home, so you get some adult contact and some pocket money. You need to make your case. Maybe 1 day a week at the resteraunt for starters even over rush hour a couple days. He has to pay 1/2 sitter. Money goes to home expenses and tips to you. Too much time out of work force affects resumes and confidence.
Find some place to volunteer one day a week.
If you get a job then all your salary will just go to paying the child care, no sense. If you want a day off ,go out when it’s his day off.
If he pay you for all your expenses for taking care of kids than its fine for what he says like childcare fee you giving it… because lets see if you wanna get out of your kids responsibility you gotta work for someone else to get paid so same shit either take care of your kids and husband pay you or do job so someone else pay you
Let him be dad and leave on his days off then. Everyone needs that time and I bet he has major insecurity issues over it being about childcare. I know that my boyfriend is an absolute jerk on the day’s I work or when I work.
Do a walmart pickup. But>>> Dont tell your husband. Tell him you are going grocery shopping. Disappear for 2 hours. Pick up your groceries at the end of your 2 hours. 
It’s your life too. Not just his. You want a job?..go get one. What’s the worse that he can actually do about it. Don’t let him isolate you. It will be good for him to spend some quality time w the kiddos too.
I see why some of y’all are divorced 
I see most ppl in here haven’t had to pay cash for childcare for one child let alone 4!! If she works part time that would even pay for one kid in childcare! Maybe he is thinking locally and she’s is just really tired and needs a break from her kids. Maybe a date night with your husband? Dinner with friends one night? Talk to your husband of why you need a break. It doesn’t seem like it’s about a job it’s more about taking a mom break for self care.
Refuses? Husband refuses? I’m confused!! Since when do husband’s tell wives what they can and can’t do? And not to.work? Girl he has way to much control in your life. Way too much.
Apply at your school district. Then you can work the same hours your kids are in school. Just saying might work?
economic abuse also includes the control of someone’s present or future earning potential by preventing them from obtaining a job or education
Glad I’m not married to him
Your husband does. It have the right to tell you what to do! You are each other’s equal! Tell him he will need to watch and care for His kids a few nights a week.
Sounds like some mental abuse going on 
Do what makes you happy… Can someone you know help with the kids while you work to cut childcare cost?
Sounds like a he’s controlling asf
So what you’re saying is you’re an adult and another adult is telling you what you can and can not do to become a better version of yourself? That’s not a husband or father. That’s a warden! I’ve been with my fare share of control freaks. And this right here is emotional and financial abuse that he is inflicting on you. Abuse doesn’t have to be violent to be damaging! Either put your foot down and set the record straight by being the adult you are. Or leave and put your mental health first like all adults should do
Loool it’s the arabic (the algerian society suffered from that problem)
1-Why are you asking your husband ?
2- just walk out , leave the kids at a relatives or friends or even when they are at school
3- do whatever you want
4- walk out in the morning on your husbands day off so you know the kids are safe at joke and enjoy your day
Red flag about the not letting you! Of course you can get a job x
By the sound of it your husband had you right where he wants you, stuck in the house with no life, serving him. Work when the kids are at school or nursery. He’s your other half not your master. This is very unhealthy
Hes a control freak…how dare he, the days for women tied to the kitchen sink are gone
Better to work around your husband and kids than to get into a conflict that will leave no-one happy.
How old are the kids? Do you have any hobbies or interests? How many nights a week does he work?
Accept that he won’t change his attitude or ideas. But he might be amenable to you going to a women’s society meeting one night a week once the kids are asleep.
There’s the (WI) Women’s Institutes, book clubs, knitting circles, baking circles, poetry, art clubs. What evening classes does your local college offer? Genealogy, car maintenance, flower arranging, carpentry, African drumming, first aid - there’s all sorts.
They won’t be little forever what’s he going to say when they are all in school and you’re getting free time and free daycare ??
I dont see him controlling her. What ages are the kids? She be better off to have her time when they are left with him at times. Restaurant business do have long hours and I think she should focus on training for her future life goal plans so that when her 4 kids are older, she is able to work independently. Shes obviously bored at home indoors with 4 kids.
You will regret it very much so if you don’t have a life outside the home. Trust me. Live your life sweetheart. You got this 
And damn what a selfish a** (him) … ok I said my peace. Be strong momma.
You can leave the house because you are a grown woman or he can see his kids every other weekend because you left the house for good. Sounds extremely overbearing and manipulating you to think BOTH OF YALLS KIDS are your responsibility. Whether that’s paying for someone else to care for them or you sitting at home with them taking care of them. You are an adult. Stand your ground or walk away from his.
Can your mom or dad come watch them 2 days a week or something while you work? I know it’s hard to expect free daycare but for a small amount a week rather then a FT job you’d be saving on daycare, and they’d get to see their grand kids
When he gets home from work, go out and get out of the house for a little while. If he doesn’t want you working, then he’ll have to put up with you being out of the house for fun.
That’s not a marriage, it’s a dictatorship. Either he gets over himself and gives you what you need or you should leave. Do you want to spend the rest of your life under his thumb?
Sounds super controlling go get that job if possible ask family to help out or find a job with a school so that you work during the school hrs and dont have to work weekenss or find a sittee
why are you letting a man tell you what you can and cannot do? if you want to get a job go ahead and get one you’re a grown-ass adult.
Sounds like he’s trying to keep you dependent on him. Do you have family near by that will help watch the kids? If not then maybe you should just go on and pay for childcare even though you shouldn’t have to. It’s important you keep some sort of identity and independence. Idk when the last time is you worked but I’ve seen so many woman sit home let the man have all the control then he does some shit and the woman is left ass out and can’t find a job because she has no skills and has no support system because she wasn’t allowed out the house.
That’s extremely controlling.
girl, go and do what you need to do for yourself…he will realize it about your happiness and make you stuck with the kids and have no life …that not how it works…if you want to go back to work go…don’t let him stop you…no man should let the woman be a housewife for the rest of their life…oh shoot…if you want to go out have fun, GO!!!
Those are his children too. Get a part time job for when you know he’ll be home. Then he has to watch HIS children. Have a life, dont feel bad. You deserve it.
Sounds like he’s trying to keep you down. You mind as well leave him to get child support then you can do what you want and have him watch his own kids.
Ummm… I mean if he was working a MAN’S job like oilfield or construction or welding - something YOU would have a hard time making anywhere near the amount of money he could make at whatever job you might find - I would understand and side with him that sadly in this world money wise it’s probably not feasible for you to expect him to watch kids or contribute household money to childcare when it’s not worth paying for.
But with him just working at a restaurant, he’s an asshole for not allowing you some sanity here and there. ESPECIALLY with HIS FAMILY owning the restaurant. It’s not like it wouldn’t be easy to fix it where you could have a shift or two a week instead of him, vs you just hoping to find another job that would allow you minimal hours and work with you with whatever childcare you can find. Definitely wrong of him
That’s abusive! Denying you a way to make money.
I work part time at a daycare and they allow my kids to come for free. Plus they can stay if I have appointments after work.
That is a very toxic situatuon to be in. He doesn’t see tou as a partner, but as a prisoner… I know from experience. I would not only get a job but get out.
I did this almost 30 years ago. I stayed home with my kids for 10 years. I got a part time job at a pizza shop for lunches. I worked from 9:30 to 2:30 while the kids were in school. I did that for 5 years. For medical reasons I had to leave but I got another part time job for the next 5 years. My son (the baby) was a senior in high school when I went full time. You can do it. I didn’t pay for childcare at all. I worked when they were in school and when they were off. I took off. Good luck.
I’m gonna be the odd one out on here probably. But if all of your other bills are paid with his income, why wouldn’t it be reasonable for him to ask that you cover the childcare?
I truly understand the need to get out of the house and have adult time when you have 4 kids.
Do you have anyone to watch them for the day or a youth program like the boys and girls club so you can have a few hours to yourself when needed.
I had flash backs reading this 
Tell him either you get a part time job or he watches them when he’s off work so you can have some space. See how he likes his options🤷
Yeah. A lot of issues here. He’s controlling and maybe even emotionally abusive. But- yanno- if you leave and put him on child support then he’d have to pay his pro rata share of child care. Just saying…
We have been married 36 years…high school sweethearts since 10th grade…he works 60 to 70 hour weeks so I could stay home with the kids…and one of our twins is disabled…HOWEVER…he INSISTED…no matter how tired he was …I have one night out to myself…rather a girls night or alone night…since the boys were born…they are now 32…32…and 34…no matter how tired he was…he fed them…bathed them…helped with homework and any other needs that one night…he also did any other night if I asked…he said I needed time to regroup just like he did for his job…
Call your local welfare office and ask about childcare payment programs you may qualify! Fill out the paperwork and find your job. I am a mom of six who homeschooled all of my kids for 8 years. I know how it feels to want be your own person and there’s nothing wrong with that. I was the same and have now been at my job almost 5 years. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done! Good luck!
He is not your boss, grow up.
he is your husband but not your owner, you are your own person dont forget that mama!! its always nice to be able to get out of the house and breathe, interact with others and most of all feel like youre you and not just mom. see if you qualify for free childcare or low income childcare as well 
Sounds like he is just trying to get out of having to watch his kids.
How old are the kids? Are any in school? See if you can find a part time during school hours.
Everyone needs their own time. Maybe check into DoorDash or a delivery service that can be scheduled on your time and you can do it however long you want. Your own money would also help you feel better in general. he’s your husband not your keeper so do what you believe is best.
Do you have any friends with kids? If so maybe take turns babysitting and find something that is peaceful to do for a couple hours every few days. Many things are free, or you could even volunteer time to local places like a church or a donation center. You can be social and build friendships pretty much anywhere
Samantha Marcum , you are absolutely right
Do you have a good relationship with his parents/close family member? Maybe try talking to them about it and see if they can be a voice of reason. Sometimes you need someone from the outside to give a different perspective.
I am also a stay-at-home mom and would like to get out of the house. My husband makes enough money for us to not have to have me work. But talking to the children and the animals all day makes me crazy! That being said, if I went to work I would have to make sure that I made enough to have child care. I don’t want to pay more for child care then I would be getting paid that day. All of our finances have always been in the same bank account so it’s not like you’re paying for this and I’m paying for this but if I was making less a day than I would pay for childcare I just would not work. It’s like pay to work. That being said, every mom needs some time to their self. Figure out a way to take a weekend off or one night a week to go out… just my opinion
I was with my kid’s dad for seventeen years- same exact song and dance. Child cares too expensive he’d say… I can handle it on my own! He’d proclaim: you don’t need a job- the kids are your job!
Fast forward- he went on a cheaters website- found a new supply, threw me out on the street with nothing! I got a job- I paid my lawyer- I got my kids- he pays the daycare- and child support now. If I were you, I’d muse to him that it’s cheaper to keep her— meaning u- he should tread lightly when calling all the shots on someone else’s life. U need a life and identity independent of the children.
Okay these people seem toxic. It’s not outrageous for you to cover childcare if he pays every bill & you just wanna get out of the house…
I would make sure you don’t tick these boxes before making any decisions. This is ridiculous.
What is Financial Abuse? These Are the Signs... - One Love Foundation
Doesn’t matter who pays the childcare bill.
If the issue is wanting out of the house, and not neccesarily wanting to work, explore more options. Mothers day out. A gym, like the ymca, with free daycare while you workout or soak in the jacuzzi. A moms group.
Welllll… you go ahead and get you a job on a different shift then him and when it comes time for you to go to work, GOOOO! they are his children too. He’ll either grow up and be a parent while you’re at work or he’ll pay for child care it’s a win, win for you.
Okay… so I can totally understand where he is coming from because I was a single low income mom and when I put my children into child care I had to ask myself if it was worth working because all of my funds were going to childcare… 568.90 was my co pay for 3 kids…however as a mom we definitely deserve a break. Maybe a coffee shop where you just work a few hours a week, a couple times a day would be perfect. I am a caregiver so I go to work while my children are sleeping because I still have the urge to get out of the house even though I’m no longer a single mom. You definitely need you time or you will get depressed. I also worked at their school last year so I was working while they were in school and I did not need a sitter. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you can find something part-time to get you out of the house
U lost me at he refuses to let you work… You want to work. Then work. Its pretty simple. Pay for the child care if he pays everything else already why not… see if u qualify for assistance on child care.
I wish I had an answer for you but I’m currently going through this struggle myself this unfortunately seems reeeeeally common, even in this day and age.
You aren’t his prisoner
Eventually you will resent him and be ready to leave. That’s not a marriage he is controlling you. Those are his kids too. How selfish of him to think that way. He obviously doesn’t care about your mental health. If talking to him about it does no good I honestly wouldn’t stay in the relationship. I’m sorry you’re going through this!!! Maybe you can reach out to friends or family who would be willing to help you just so you can work a few hours a week and have a life of your own. We love our children but we are more than just mothers!! You deserve to have some time to yourself!
Maybe you can apply for childcare assistance , but you’ll probably need to land a job first. You should be able to work if you want to.
I got a job at a gym in town that has child care and I would take my daughter to work with me
Unfortunately, I’m in the same boat! I want a job so bad but my husband checks go towards bills and so mine would have to go towards childcare for our 5 kiddos. We would literally not bring home any extra after daycare costs. It’s a hard pill to swallow. But I totally get your frustration of wanting to provide as well as not completely lose yourself as a mother. I love being a mother. It’s my number 1 priority but it does make you feel as though your identity is only MOM sometimes. I also want to make something of myself and don’t know how considering all of my kids are 9, 8, 6, 2, and 1. It is a lot all the time. I’m going to try and go back to school this fall and then once my kids all get to school age go back to work. Maybe by then I will have a college degree that can make great money so we don’t have to worry about money. You may think about college. Try finding an in home daycare that you fully trust who will be cheaper than a big name daycare. I hope you are able to get your job! Your husband should support you wanting a job and help you search for avenues for you to help provide and get a mom break!