I want to know who is around my child, is that normal?

I was with someone for about 6 1/2 years we have a child together . But ended up going our separate way a few months back because I found out he was meeting up with other women giving them money and cheating so he decided to kick my son & I out . So I recently found out that he’s been seeing someone else which I could careless. But I did tell him that I did not want our son meeting that person at least for a few months till he knows it’s going to be serious because what if things don’t work out between them I don’t want my child having random people in and out of his life it can confuse him . So I also asked him if and when he decided to bring that person around our son that I would like to meet her because I want to know who is going to be around my child which I feel I have every right to know who’s going to be around him . Well come to find out this person has been around my little one numerous times already and my ex has been hiding it from me . He thinks I don’t know Which has me furious because I feel so disrespected and I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would be pissed . My question is, how should I go about it ? Should I confront him or should I wait and see if he ends up telling me ? I don’t want to be the bitter baby momma and keep the baby from him because that only hurts my son and I don’t want to do that to my baby . I just feel like the way he’s going about it is soooo wrong . Please no rude comments I just needed to vent and need some advice . I have no one to go to with out being attacked and judged .
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I mean, in my opinion… since your child has already met her there isn’t much you can do. I would confront him & tell him you know that they have met, that you’re a little upset about it & wish he would’ve been honest with you & try to arrange a time when you can meet her. If they for some reason break up, I would make sure he remembers what you’ve asked of him. I totally agree with you, you should wait to introduce people to your children because they can get attached

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I want to know who is around my child, is that normal?

You can express your concern but the reality is, unless she’s a harm to your child…there isn’t anything you can do when it comes to what the father does with the child. Unless again, a pose of harm is there to the child’s safety.

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Unfortunately it’s none of your business when child is with him.

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You have faith in his parenting abilities even if its not what you think is right.
You cannot control what he does when he has your child just as he cannot control what you do

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Unfortunately, when you split up, you lose control over who your ex brings around your child. A family court judge will tell you the same thing. I split from my ex when my kids were 6 and 11. He has introduced them to at least 50 women over the years. He would even move in with these women. He just got divorced for the third time last week! My kids are adults, one with his own child now and they think their father is a tool. He went on an Amy bender. 7 Amy’s in a row. We literally called them Amy 1, Amy 2 etc. When I brought this up at court I was told it’s up to his discretion. Good luck!

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Unfortunately you don’t decide who and when he can have others around. Just talk or be aware of how he acts when he has to go over. If he’s old enough ask your son about her if he seems fine than let it go. Only thing that is important is that they are nice and treat him well.

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You have every right to know who is around your child but so does he.

If you don’t want to be the bitter baby mama who keeps a man’s son from him, simply don’t be. I know it is hard for someone with narcissistic tendencies to not have complete control. But it’s not impossible. Parental alienation is child abuse.

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Unfortunately all you can do is express your concern…its up to the father to do whats best for the child while in his care. Hopefully he opens his eyes…

It would be nice if the coparenting relationship was like that but really he doesn’t have to do anything. His parenting time is his parenting time and within reason he can bring whomever he would like around your son.

I feel like you told him your concerns when it came to other people coming in and out of your child’s life and he didn’t respect that so in turn you should have a conversation with him about this said person. Maybe their more on a serious level then you think. And say you’d like to meet her so you feel more comfortable with your son being around her. You also have to remember that he as the dad has just as much of a say in things as you do. Yes he went about it wrong especially when you told him you don’t want people in and out of your kids life. But I don’t think he’d have someone meet your kid if he wasn’t serious about them.

He does not have to introduce you to his new girlfriend and you have no say who he can have around your child as long as they are not a danger.

Imagine if he wanted to know every person you had around yourchild and wanted to meet all of them.

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If you could care less then care less! Or don’t even care at all!

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Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s much you can do.

I feel the same way about people my daughter meets. It’s about safety. People are CRAZY. Before anything else you should absolutely take him to court and have custody figured out. I’m pretty sure that can become a rule, that neither of you can introduce significant others until such and such time. One sec I’ll ask my boyfriend he’s a family lawyer :joy:

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The truth is there’s nothing you can do about it honestly. And from the sound of it there’s no court order in place either. So unless she’s a threat to your child you gonna have to let it be whether u want to or not cause if u start drama it’s not gonna end well for u in the end trust me. If u start issues cause u don’t want another woman around your child you won’t win the battle at all and if u don’t want to be that bitter baby mama then let this go seriously let it go.

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You don’t have the right to meet everyone who enters your child’s life through his other parent. He has just as much say as you and he can make those choices too unless a court determines otherwise. It is a losing battle for you.

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You can not control who he brings around during his parenting time.

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Dealing with my ex husband of 7 years through the courts, you ARE required to know who’s around your children, especially if they are of the opposite sex (ex having a new girl around). However, you can NOT put a time frame on it. If he kicked you out and the next DAY has a new girl around, you can’t stop him (unless there’s a time stipulation in court papers).

My ex moved a male roommate into the house with our 2 girls having visitation there, he did not inform me of this. He had to move the roommate out.

Sometimes you don’t have a choice and I feel like this is that situation. It’s his child too and he can make decisions as well, even if they’re dumb ones or not thought out ones, he still has his rights.

I think you need to chill. Your ex is not your employee and you broke up

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Unfortunately when it comes to being split up and co parenting he doesn’t need your permission.

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If you were with him that long and you should trust his judgment by now. I know it hurts and bothers you but children meet people all the time they have connections it’s part of life. Your child will be OK and everything will work out just keep your head up it sucks but could be worse

It’s a nice concept but very rarely seen through. Unfortunately u have no control over this. X

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It’s really none of your business, hard as it is to hear. And you’re not required to meet anyone he decides to bring the kid around. If you really cared about that you’d want to meet every single person he brings your kid around. You’re feeling mama jealousy and want to maintain control of what mother figure is in your kids life. It’s a normal reaction. But he isn’t required to allow you to meet any woman in his life at all. Same for you and whichever man you have in your life.

unfortunately, you don’t have a choice. A judge or court will not say “keep susie away from meeting my baby”

No. Don’t say anything or make it into an agreement. Take care of your side.

Sorry. Not your business.

Unfortunately there is nothing u can do about it. He don’t have to introduce you to her ever if he don’t want to. Do you ask him to meet all his friends male too before they are allowed around ur kid??

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Unless it’s in a court order, there’s nothing you can do.

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Be patient…stay calm…things usually work out the same way, anyway, so don’t be the bad guy, don’t insist on things you really have no control over…your baby will thank you.

I personally would ask him “hey so I’m starting to see someone. Would you prefer to meet them before I bring them around XYZ” and if he says yes then I would say “okay so we can agree that if we start to date it’s important for the other parent to meet our new person?” I’m sure that’ll clue him in. Communication is key.

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Honestly…… I’m not trying to be rude or judge but pick your battles because you may have more serious issues with him down the road. He sounds like he’s not respecting you or your requests and he obviously doesn’t communicate well with you. I always wonder why someone who once loved you can’t talk and work things out. I don’t think your request is that difficult. What kind of man kicks out his partner and child??? He should leave…… Wishing you the Best in the future!!!

I’d feel the same way. My daughters dad asked to meet my partner. I’d expect the same from him to. Shouldn’t be lying 2 u about who’s been around your child. You’ve a right to know x

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Him not telling you about the new girlfriend isn’t a reason for keeping his son from him. You do have the right to know who is around your child. He also has the right to not inform you about his dating life. As long as your son isn’t complaining about being mistreated by the girlfriend or dad when the girlfriend is around; you’re going to have to accept it how it is. You can tell him you know about the girlfriend being around your son and simply express to him that you would have wanted to meet her prior to your son being around her. Don’t make it a fight or expect any sort of explanation from him.

Girl no judgement I would want to know too but realistically … when you share a child when that child is with the other parent that’s the other parents time and they choose what they are doing with that time and who they are bringing around the child. As long as the child is not endangered by the situation it’s kind of out of your hands. I get it being the protective mother tho :heart:

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I have seen so many comments about how it’s none of your business but a judge let me take my kids away because of this. Because every week is was a different female posting MY twins on social media he was having them watch my children.

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And who is around your kid is your business, don’t let any of these comments phase you.

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As much as you’d prefer to know, your ex doesn’t have to share anything with you.
Tell him you’re moving on as well, and see what he says regarding other men around (even if it’s not completely true right now, but probably will be one day). Many people have total double standard ways of thinking. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Your bitter. Get over it. You dont get to control your ex’s life and you don’t have to meet anyone. Stop being controlling and act like a nut

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So don’t be the bitter person. Actually you sound incredibly bitter so stop it. Its really none of your business who hes seeing as long as she is not abusing your child. You sound obsessed and a bit nuts frankly. Move on.

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You can request to meet her but he isn’t obliged to say yes. Nor can you control anyone around your child on his time unless otherwise stated in a court order. It sucks & I feel for you b/c I’ve been there but nothing we can do. I’m very lucky that my daughters dad finally found a good woman who loves my daughter as her own.

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I don’t think it’s bad you’re looking out for his safety, but unfortunately in this situation a lot of times people like to tell their coparents to mind their own business and that doesn’t include knowing what goes on, where, or with whom on their time. I wouldn’t confront him because that can lead to conflict, but bring up that you know about her and would like to meet her since she’ll supposedly be helping raise your kid. If you make it seem like he’s bringing people together, you might be able to trick him into believing it is all thanks to him :sweat_smile:

Although most of these comments are true (we don’t have a say of what goes on when the child is in the other parents care) I totally agree with you! I voiced the same to my ex and for the most part he listened. He made me aware of a serious relationship he was in and then I chose to reach out to his girlfriend. I introduced myself and explained that I would like to meet her. She agreed. We met for lunch and had a great conversation - just the two of us. It helped to ease my mind. As a mom we can’t help but to worry about our little ones well being.

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I don’t agree with most of these opinions. That’s your baby, your world- you have the right to know, but my advice is keep it civil. I made it known I wanted to know who my daughter was around and that was respected because of how I approached the situation. 2.5 years later, that same girl is now my daughter’s stepmom & the reason I know my daughter is safe when she’s not with me.

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None of your business. My advice is get over it as soon as possible.

Absolutely ask and know who are around your children! They are your children!

Unfortunately you have no say in it. He has equal rights to your child. I get exactly how you feel! But you can’t stop baby seeing dad because of whom he has around, you also can’t demand to meet her. Yes I have a civil relationship with my ex’s partner but it is hard and we’ll never be best buddies and it would probably hurt me less to never see her but I do what I have to for my son as he’s the important one, and doesn’t need to be involved in adult stuff. But it’s one extra person who cares about my son, so I’m not going to complain

You can’t control that man now noMore then you could when you were together….

Depending on what state you’re in, you can write in the custody agreement he (your child) can not be around new girlfriends/boyfriends for a period of 4-6/8 months - whatever you AND the courts decide. (that would also apply to you and your boyfriends as well)
If there isn’t a custody agreement in place, I would suggest getting one established as soon as you can get into court

Who he has in his house isn’t your business at all.If you feel someone is a danger then go in front of a judge and voice your concern but other than that just mind your own business.He isn’t your man to control and kids are not pawns in a game that you get to withhold when the other parent doesn’t play by your rules.

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As mother’s who gave birth to a child we sorta feel this obligation to know these things because I mean hell we carried that baby for 9 months! But when it comes to the reality of things… that man isn’t obligated to you, he is obligated to the child. He is no longer with you so, no longer has to tell you who he is around or with for that matter. I say this because my ex and I have a child together. Just like I went out and found love so did he. I didn’t go out of my way to make sure my ex met my new man. When they came around each other I did introduce them. He has been with the same girl for maybe a year or two and I have yet to meet her. I’m not upset about it because my son talks about her all the time. I think as women we require/expect things to be our way. It took him to make that baby too remember that he has just as much right as you do.

Are you gonna give him the same respect of meeting your partners before they meet your child?

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You are a mother do what is safe for your child. Is what I would do. Some judges put this in custody papers

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The only thing you can do at this time is get a legal custody order of what days you and your ex have your son and if your ex is unable to watch him then he must return your son to you so a girlfriend doesn’t watch him. But you cannot control who your ex brings around your child unless they will cause harm then you’re looking at a restraining order.

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Honestly it’s a separate parent situation. So if the dad feels it’s right thing to do, let him make that choice.
Like when you meet someone and you feel it right to have that person in your child Life then that’s your choice…
You both decide what’s best interest in yours and child’s life…
I’ve had a ex dictate to me who I couldn’t have around my son etc.
He moved on eventually, he met someone but I never dictated him in any way.
Xx

Unfortunately you won’t get a say in who the father has around his son… In an ideal world yes you would get to meet them and stuff but this isn’t how things work. If you took him to court and set up visitation, which you should immediately to establish custody, then thenjudge will tell you the same thing. Hes your ex and the father of the child so unless the child is in danger or being harmed and you have proof there is nothing tou can do about who is around him… sorry…

Once a child comes into the picture its not about being fair to him, the g-friend. Its about the childs safety, well being, future

I agree with you! I’d want to know who is around my child too. Problem is, there’s nothing we can really do about it unless there is proof of abuse. At that point your child would have to be harmed, which obviously we want to prevent. If your ex would listen and be respectful, I’d say talk to him about it but it doesn’t sound like he is. He didn’t care enough about him when he kicked his own child out. I would absolutely love more people to love my child but the people my ex hangs around are all addicts/alcoholics as he is so I understand your concern. Unfortunately just that is not enough for a judge to really do anything. Don’t EVER let anyone make you feel as if you’re the “bitter baby mama” for trying to protect your child. I know that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Agree with a lot of what others are saying. I left a cheat many many moons ago and she tried (unsuccessfully) to impose her will on me as to who I could have our daughter around. Unless you have rock solid proof that they are a bad person, you have very little leeway.

Do you plan on doing the same when you find a boyfriend?

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Also if you haven’t gone to court and got custody and visitations settled younreally need to because technically he could just keep your son and not return him to you until you go to court. I hope your ex isn’t like that but i know some are.

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There are different laws according to if you were married or not and if paternity(DNA test) has been done. Even if his name is on the BC. If you are and were unmarried (mother is sole custodial parent legally) and no DNA test has been done then you do have a right to say who can see and be around your child at all times. If DNA has been done and Paternity established the child’s father is a legal parent and legally can have anyone with him during his visits with his child unless there is a court order that says he cannot and once paternity is established he has every legal right to see his child on any basis.

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You can’t control who the other parent has around or where they go on their time.

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I would also want to know and meet whoever is going to be around my child. I would confront him and tell him that he would not be seeing my child until you have met the other person.

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I completely understand where you are coming from but the goal is if he has already met her at this point to not put any strain on their relationship so your son doesn’t have to see her go and another one come in. It’s hard momma but people come in and out of our lives all the time, it is a part of life. Any input you put into this situation could cause turmoil for them and we want her to stick around so that doesn’t happen. Wish them the best and give your trust love!

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You need to pick your battles. If your goal is to meet your exes new girlfriend to ease your mind and get along co parenting with your ex, then I would just make that happen now. I wouldn’t go back and revisit that he didn’t wait longer or tell you earlier about your child meeting her/ being around your child. If he and this woman work out hopefully you’ll meet her and you won’t need to be concerned any longer. If not, then you’ll have established trust and confidence with your ex that you aren’t causing problems or drama in his personal life and relationships and so the next girlfriend he will be more likely to honor and respect your request.
But make no mistake it’s simply a request on your part unless you have it in your custody agreement/arrangement. So just know that whatever you hold him to, you’ll be expected to do the same ,with regard to your boyfriends.

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You can confront him all you want. But he’s not obligated to tell you it have you meet who ever he’s dating unfortunately. And keeping the child from him sounds petty. Especially if he never put your child in danger or your child has come back to tell you something the other person has done causing them some type of harm. Good luck I know it’s hard

As much as it hurts me to say this, you have no control over these things. I do need to trust that whoever it is is mature enough to be kind to your child, look out for their well-being and not bring them any harm. Now, if you were to find out that sad person had some sort of a heinous criminal background, or some sort of child abuser, sexual predator or you had proof that they miss treated or harmed your child… That’s when you get an attorney and seek a restraining order and possibly request supervised visitations, etc. unfortunately you’re going to have to bite the bullet on this one. Also bear in mind, there’s going to come a time where someone comes into your life and how are these rules going to apply to you? Just let it go. You are going to have bigger battles in life than this matter

I’m 50/50 on this. He has every right to bring whatever girl he’s seeing to be around your child. But you also have every right to get to know this girl. Maybe have lunch with her and get to know her, but again what he does on his time is his time.

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I’m so sorry to say this, cause I get where your coming from and would feel the exact same way I’m sure. But what happens with your child while he’s with his dad, is up to his dad, and unless it’s unsafe, you don’t really get a say in what happens when he’s with dad. That is what happens when you split up. Just the same as your ex wouldn’t be able to tell you who you can and can’t date either….I hope you guys can figure it out amicably for your sons sake. All you can really do is love and talk with your son when he comes home. If this woman ends up not working out and there’s a break up, you can explain to him then that sometimes things just don’t work out but that doesn’t mean anyone loves him any less! He will be ok, as long as you are ok!!!

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Do you have a court mandated visitation schedule/custody agreement? If not, just say until he’s willing to comply with your reasonable request, if he wants to see the child it will need to be with you present. If you do, look into modifying it. I’ve seen plenty of parenting agreements that spell out the how and when significant others will be introduced to mutual children.

Unfortunately there’s not much you can do. It’s his kid too

I think it’s absolutely normal to feel this way… he should feel the same way, but not everyone is mature enough to think like that. Ask him how he feels about you having other men around his child & would he not want to know. Hopefully he will be mature about it

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You can change your court paper saying you don’t want anyone the opposite sex around your child.

Follow your custody order. You have no control over what the ex does during his time with the son each of you 50/50 created. How would you feel if he did not like your legal lifestyle choices and made threats like he would keep your son away from you? Remember your son will thrive best having a healthy relationship with both of his parents.

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You already know a lot of mom’s are going to say “YOU CAN’T CHOOSE WHOSE AROUND YOUR SON”. I can control whose around my children and I did. Not like my children’s dad wanted to be that involved in their lives anyway. 5 minutes was to much for the dad. He only wanted my child to any like he’s a great dad. Ha

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You can request whatever you want from the other parent, but you can’t control them. It’s not right to bring everyone he’s dating around the child because it does confuse them when it doesn’t work out, but that child is as much his as yours. He may be a POS (for the lying, cheating and sneaking around), but unless you have reason to believe he, or whoever he is seeing, is putting the child in harms way, there isn’t much you can do.

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Its the dads business who he brings around as long as the child is safe and not in danger.

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How do you say you couldn’t care less and then go on to say how much you actually care?

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You’re doing everything right. And u most certainly have every right to know. I’d tell him u would like to meet her first before she meets your son… See if he comes clean . If not, then confront him

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He already disrespected you by cheating…and you have no control over who or what he does during his parenting time…if he is a fit parent that indicates that he has good decision making regarding your son so you have no say.

Be direct and pull any punches. Your child should not be thrown in front of every Tom Dick and Harry that he decides to get involved with. And the story the child comes first and if he can’t respect that then he doesn’t need to be part of your kids life.

I told my BD straight up… Who is she? Where she come from? Does she have mental problems?.. We have a right to know :100: He doesn’t want to tell me then keep them away from my children. He agreed :+1:t5: If he argues or gets defensive, he’s selfish :-1:t4:

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Just accidently meet him one day when you know they are out together. I understand how you feel.

While I do understand were you are coming from. You CAN NOT control what goes on at his home. Pick your battles and just make sure your son knows that he can come to you with anything and that you are always willing and ready to listen.

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It is normal however they are just feelings and hold no weight. You have no say what he does with his parenting time unless it harms the child.

That is totally normal and he absolutely should not have random people around your child. Neither parent should do that.

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Devils advocate: is he going to get to approve who you have around his son as well.?

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I would reach out to her and ask her out for coffee. Show her its about your child and not a jealous ex. It would be nice for your child to see all the important people in their life getting along. It will also show your child strength. Bc it take a strong grown adult to make any attempt at getting to actually know who the other adults are in their child lives. I co patented with my ex for many years, he had some nice girls and he had some I hated. But I played nice with each one for my kids. And they respected me so much more.

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Don’t ever expect anything is owed to you. Do you want him questioning your next partner? Do better!

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From a Dad’s girlfriend perspective, just because it’s what I’ve got, it’d probably be safe to reach out to her if she’s been in the picture for a while & ask if she’s around the next time you guys do a kiddo exchange.

  1. You’ll see how he & she interact, which can tell you a lot about the health of that relationship.
  2. You’ll see first hand how your son responds to her being there, plus how she treats & talks to him; which gives insight into how they operate as a household when you’re not around.
    When I first came into the picture, my stepson-to-be was just about to turn 7, so kind of close in age. I am sort of disappointed that it took a whole 3 years to build any kind of relationship with his mother, because I’ve been around long enough that we all (me, his dad, his mom, & his mom’s husband) have to co-parent & be on the same page. I’d rather have a pleasant, healthy relationship with that household than something where we & they always presume the worst of one another.
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Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do. Even the courts won’t dude with you. As long as your din is happy and healthy when he’s with the dad and whoever he’s around isn’t harming him he’s allowed to have whoever he wants around him.

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When it’s his time, it’s not ur business… trust me I wanted the same thing. The judge told me it’s not my business. My kids met 2 dummies withing 3 months… and both were daddy’s girlfriends. Well I moved across the country to keep them from his mess.

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You need to learn that once that child leaves your home and is on dads time it absolutely none of your business what he does and who he brings around. It sucks but there is nothing you can do. The court will tell you its none of your business because really it isn’t unless it affects the child in a negative or unsafe way. Don’t contact the girlfriend just causes problems in most cases and then you’ll be upset based on her reaction if she chooses not to respond to you. Speaking from experience.

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Run a background check on her. Do not wait. I say this because I am a mom of a child who was assaulted at age 5. You can never be too careful with your child. I Honestly trust no one.

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Honestly you can’t stop them from doing whatever they do on their time unless it puts your child in danger and even that is hard to control without months of proof within the courts. Me and my ex have a lot of opinions about what the other should or shouldn’t be doing but the reality is he can’t control me and I can’t control him it was years of useless fighting and we’ve been to court three timeS. It’s all pointless. I know your worried about your kid honestly I still four years later don’t want my child around a woman who thought it was acceptable to fuck a man talk to a man or entertain a man with a 18 month old and relationship no matter how unhappy they were but she now is a primary caregiver to my daughter and there’s nothing I can do about it. Just let this stuff go momma. It’s not worth the stress

Baby daddy has a say too.
There’s no law that a mother has to met said partner.