If you SO is defensive, does that mean something

If your SO suddenly gets defensive about something, does it typically mean they are guilty of something?

I’ve been with my SO (we are both in our 40s) on & off for 7 years, most recently over a year. He lives with my 9 year old daughter & I, as well as my 23 year old female roommate. I’ve lived with this girl for over 2 years. In that time I’ve learned she sleeps around A LOT, leads men on and dates men in their 50s.

In the last 2 weeks they’ve been spending a lot of time together. Yesterday & today they spent ALL DAY together as he was helping her move. When I told him I was uncomfortable with this, he pulled the: why are you being jealous, you’ve never been like this before, why can’t I be friends with a female? I told him by questioning my feelings, he’s making himself look guilty. Obviously he didn’t like that. Can men & women be “just friends” am I being paranoid? Thanks

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. If you SO is defensive, does that mean something

Stop projecting your feelings onto him. Just because she sleeps around doesn’t mean he is sleeping with her.

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That is gaslighting. If nothing is going on, your feelings would be most important, not their “friendship”.

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Men and women can be just friends! I have several and they would do anything for me-same for them. It’s not always sexual. Check your feelings for the both of them.

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I wouldn’t trust him or her, it’s disrespectful in my opinion and no man can be just friends with a girl without wanting more so :woman_shrugging:t2:

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While I agree men and women can very well be just friends, knowing your roommates specific history I can understand being weary. Him shutting down your feelings isn’t right either, he should hear you out and talk it out with you. If something makes your SO uncomfortable it should be the priority to try and resolve the situation without making the other person feel like the crazy jealous gf.

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Be her friend too :woman_shrugging:t3: youll push them closer to eachother by creating problems between the 3 of you

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It’s possible but with that reaction…the way he got mad and defensive so fast…and if that’s your friend she should be more respectful if you’re not comfortable…listen to your gut .

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Yea men and women can be friends only. But I have learned that sooner or later one or the other start developing feeling for the other. Even if they are just sexual

But you’ve lived together that long and now because hes helping her you are upset? If she is single she is entitled to sleep with who ever she wants. Doesn’t mean she wants your man. Not every female wants another woman’s man. Pretty sad that you guys have lived together and you cant even check yourself. If I was him it would piss me off too. That’s your shit sorry not sorry.

Do you trust him? It sounds like you’re questioning whether you think he would actually sleep with your flatmate. He has a point in asking whether you are jealous. Keep your eyes open, sure, but there’s no point being with someone if you can’t trust them.

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I lost my husband to a female ‘friend’

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It’s very possible for men and women to be friends. The fact that she sleeps around isn’t your or your man’s problem. You either trust him or you don’t. He’s either a good guy or he isn’t.

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Not with woman like that

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I have more male friends then females and there my best friends.they are like brothers to me always looking out for me.just because I have more male friends I’m lucky my husband isn’t jealous.he likes my male friends.

I’m not a jealous person but girl, they fkn. So sorry.

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They can be just friends. They can also stab you in the back and having sex. No easy way to know

Yes n no. All depends

TRUST YOUR GUT!! It’s usually always right …

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Yes they can. I have many guy friends, have for years, some of go back 60plus years. We’re all married or have SO.
I’m friends with the ladies as well. It’s called friendships.

Men and women can be just friends. But not every man is capable of being just friends with the opposite sex and not every woman can either. If you weren’t picking a fight and you were not being accusatory and just sharing your feelings. And he responded this way; there is a problem. Maybe they aren’t fooling around; but maybe he is thinking about it. Or just has a crush a feels guilty. We all get attracted to other people, even when we are in a committed relationship. Maybe he is embarrassed that he has this attraction and you picked up on it.

With how he has chosen to respond to your concern, this is something you need to get to the bottom of.

Put a stop to it right now. We took in my daughter and granddaughter and that was 18 months ago. My husband ( her stepdad) and her moved in together 7 months ago. Starts out innocent enough but doesn’t stay that way.

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If the couple are both friends with her and they all do stuff together, I don’t find THAT in appropriate. But if the two were to spend time along that is where I would draw the line. Insecurities are natural and normal… to a point. It sounds like you don’t trust either of them, so I feel like yours are valid. It’s hard to say him being defensive means something because I wasn’t there to hear how the conversation went between you two. But he also has a point, kind of. But he should not just say that and dismiss your feelings either.

I wondered why my husband at the time was being overly friendly to my best friends at the time and helping her move out after her and I had a disagreement. Turns out they were moving out into their own place together.

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So she’s moving out? :thinking: whys she moving out?:face_with_raised_eyebrow:

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It is possible for some guys and girls to have a legit, platonic relationship. But when it comes down to it, just go with your gut instinct. You’re having these suspicions regardless of whether he is or not cheating on you. If he’s going to flip your questioning back on you, by accusing you of being insecure, instead of attempting to help ease your worry, ask yourself why? IMO, it’s because he’s guilty of something.

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Guilty the fact that he automatically tried to put the blame on you for being jealous and all means he’s hiding something. Your feelings are valid.

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Idk I honestly feel like it has a lot to do with looks… sure, there’s women that have more male than female friends and the guys aren’t trying to take them to bed…buuuut, and I’m trying to say this without sounding like an asshole it’s kinda hard, on a 1-10 scale where do you think you fall?

OP and her man are in their 40s, this SINGLE female roommate (which is probably attractive) is 23, I would be concerned or at least pay more attention… now if this roommate was umm, not so pretty, probably wouldn’t be such a big deal 🤷

Not a good situation! Bet they are messing around

I dont understand how you were okay with them living under the same roof together but not him helping her move.

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The women who give advice…yall just pick the shitty ones don’t ya??
Women and men can be friends. My man is friends with a very promiscuous woman. They hang out, talk. Is he fucking her?? Absolutely not. Does he get defensive sometimes when I joke?? Yes. Because he doesn’t like to joke around when I comes to infidelity. Does that mean he’s guilty?? Absolutely not. You need to sit with both of them and have a talk. Make sure everyone knows the boundaries. Be an adult and not an insecure little teen girl.

Trust your gut feeling.

Yea men and women can be just friends. I have mostly male friends. And am friends with SO/ wife’s. I DO NOT go to their homes if the SO /wife isn’t home not for any reason . It’s called respect. And I have no desire to be accused of something that’s not happening.

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I’m friends with many members of the"opposite sex". I’m not sleeping with any of them.

Yes men and women can just be friends. But that does not mean nothing is happening in this case. Since she is moving out you can wait and see of he still acts fishy. Maybe he is really just being a friend and helping her then again maybe there is something going on I doubt the truth will be easy to get to.

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Most cases(I can’t say all)men and woman cant be friends.Most men usually are friends with the intent to get something if you know what I mean!If you feel like something is off then trust your gut.And you said she sleeps around…even if that’s not his intent she prob will try to sleep with him!

Just follow your gut

Personally I get very defensive if I feel I’m being accused of something I haven’t done… It is a possibility though, everyone is different!

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Yes men and women can be friends. My best friend is a male and we have been friends for 50 years. He’s right why are you tripping. I am of the belief that what you think of others is really who you are. Now read that again.

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My best friend is a guy, yes men and women can definitely be just friends.

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Yes, but trust ya gut

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Is it because you’ve heard of her sleeping with older men that your feeling insecure about him helping her move because of his age if so you might not trust her suddenly but that doesn’t mean your partner is upto something you are the one with the issue looking for something to jump on because you don’t trust them together but men and women can be friends

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I don’t know your situation but my male friend and I have been best friends for 39 years. He is the god father of my children. In my new relationship, there is no jealousy here. So yes, girls and guys can be friends but each situation is different.

I have a lot of guy friends and it’s always just strictly been a platonic relationship between us. So yes men and women can be just friends. But having said that, always trust your gut. Also be logical about it. Don’t let any jealous feelings cloud your judgement of the situation between them.

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Nope not ok…i would never allow it…

I work in a male dominated industry. All my friends are male because of it. I would be very defensive if my SO asked anything that made it inappropriate. Then again - we have 100% trust and would never go there.

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Sounds like there’s some doubts about the man. Just because she’s known to be a sexual woman doesn’t mean he can’t say no to her IF she were to try to make a pass. If you can’t automatically know that he wouldn’t play into another woman, I don’t think the relationship is solid.

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It doesn’t even matter. If you say you are not comfortable he should say ok and cut it. Period. But just for you… NEVER have another woman living in the house with your man. NEVER. I also wouldn’t suggest a man you’re not married to living in the house with your child. Jmo from experience from when I was 9.

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I have guy friends and my fiance has female friends, but neither of us spend time alone with them it is disrespectful in my opinion

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It is possible. Liking each others company doesn’t mean they are sleeping together.

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I have many males that I am just friends with. No history between us other than friendship. So I’d say yes, that is possible.

Find someone that wants to be with you. It’s got to be exhausting breaking up and making up

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She dropped a dollar and he picked it up. Question is will he spend it :woman_shrugging:t5:

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Yes they can be just friends but your partner sounds guilty to me

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I get defensive about most things but it’s because if my childhood so no it’s not alway guilt. The more hurtful or outrageous the accusation the more defensive I am, automatic response alongside fear and anxiety

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No. My hubby would never disrespect me by hanging with other fems. As the most important woman in his life next to his mom, he would never allow me to think his friendship with another fem is more important than i.

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If you have a gut feeling, DO NOT IGNORE IT, all things kept in the dark, make way to the light eventually…

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Hes definitely fucking her yo

Yes, friendships between a guy and girl happen, But I’m all about listening to your intuition, too.

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But she’s his roommate as well… i don’t know that he can win on this one either way. I think he did a nice thing by helping her move. I would have told my husband to help. If they live in the same house they will be around each other… or should he stay in his room when they are alone?
I think you became jealous when you learned more about her. So he’s being punished for being a nice guy. Just because she sleeps around doesn’t mean she wants your man. He should also be able to help a friend out .

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If it don’t feel right, then maybe you should look into it more. Ask her what’s going on, and if she was a true friend then she will be honest. Because he obviously isn’t. I had a “friend” who used to hang out with us alot. Then I got tossed in jail. Well that so called friend took it upon herself to fuck my man, and when I asked him, he got defensive about it saying they are just friends. Well the truth came out & damn I am stupid for believing him.

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I’d be more concerned about being 40 with an on and off again relationship for 7 years. Either y’all wanna be together or not. Why go through that we together one day and not the next then are the next. I’m 28 and I ain’t wasting my time like that

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If your gut tells you something is off… it is. Trust your gut.

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Yes definitely they can be friends and can hang out alone together… if you can’t trust your partner then there is no point in being in a relationship.

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It’s possible they’re just friends. Maybe they aren’t. If it does turn out they’re sleeping together, don’t assume it’s all her fault. I say that bc you mentioned she sleeps around. He could be the one making the first move. Just my two cents

I get defensive when Im accused of something I didn’t do. My ex husband constantly accused me of cheating.

You clearly said he helped her move so they technically weren’t “hanging out”

The older men get the less likely they’re to be just friends with a female unless there’s an interest. And same goes for females. In older relationships one party tends to have some kind of agenda/interest. Older people have less energy, so they have less relationships. Relationships are work, friendships, romantic relationships etc. He might like the attention of the girl, but I doubt they’re actually friends.

I have more guy friends than female friends… I haven’t slept with any of them…

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Yes, people CAN be just platonic friends even with people of the gender to which they are attracted. I like men, but that doesn’t mean I am attracted to every man who is nice to me. If a man cannot be just friends with a woman (regardless of her sexual history) then he has an objectification problem. The relationship between your partner and this other woman may or may not be shady. But you lack sufficient evidence to rouse suspicion.

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I think men and women can just be friends

They can. I had plenty of guy friends that i never did anything with.

Male and female can be friends without a doubt. It’s how they handle situations. They should be treated as just friends and that’s it. But I also get defensive when not doing anything wrong and am accused of it. Bc 9 times out of 10 I’m the innocent one and they aren’t

I’ve been best friends with men and would never ever cross the line. When I’m friends with a woman their men see me as a threat? I’m straight just have a backbone

Can they be just friends, yes. Does that mean he’s innocent? I’d trust your gut but it’s also possible that she made a move and he turned her down, or he has a crush on her but won’t act on it, or your gut could be wrong. No way to know for sure. You got to decide to trust him or not.

My ex-husband was a ‘cheater’. I ignored my intuition for years, he made me feel guilty for questioning his fidelity. He’d say “You only believe what you want to believe”. They ALL deny it and then gaslight you! No cheater will say “Okay, you got me” lol. Part of their fun is that they CAN sneak around. Trust your intuition. I’m not telling you to dump him, but where there is cheating, dishonesty and betrayal there are other underlying issues that will never get better. It sounds like he feels he has a good thing going (roof over his head, three squares a day I imagine, and who takes on the brunt of the housework? PLUS, maybe, ‘a little’ on the side). Why would he want to admit it and lose his cozy position? Just stay vigilant and ask questions if stories don’t add up. ALL cheaters slip up in due time and you will have your answers.

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I think you don’t trust the 23 year old roommate who dates older men. That seems reasonable or fair if you aren’t really friends.
So the issue isn’t really your SO and his intentions. He may be perfectly innocent .
But I don’t think you’re in the wrong for voicing that you’re uncomfortable with him having a close friendship with this girl, hanging out or talking all the time since you’re not friends with her and you don’t hang out with her because you’re only roommates. I imagine you don’t have anything in common with her, and you’re not interested in being her friend? You clearly don’t trust her agenda and intentions with her hanging out with him alone.
If you were invited and included you might feel more comfortable, my guess is you don’t have any interest in doing that. But it could give you peace of mind if you do say ; well let me know when you want to hang out with her again and I’ll join you guys. Or you plan it with them both and go out as a group. I might even invite a guy her age and do a set up , since your SO and her are just friends all that shouldn’t be an issue. If there is resistance or refusal , then I believe that is cause for you to say to your SO that something is going on and its not friendship and if it is just friendship than he won’t have a problem with you coming along.
Also you said he helped her move…. I hope that means she’s no longer living with you. If that’s not the case, I would definitely look into having her move out and getting yourself another roommate.

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Go with your FIRST INSTINCT :heavy_heart_exclamation::heavy_heart_exclamation::heavy_heart_exclamation::heavy_heart_exclamation::heavy_heart_exclamation::heavy_heart_exclamation:. SHES SLEEPS AROUND

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Yes, men and women can be just friends. I have a lot of male friends, actually more male than female and I’ve never once messed around with any of them. My husband has a few female friends and never messed around with them. Sounds like he just asked you a simple question. If he was helping her move then they would be spending quite a bit of time together. Has he given you any other reasons not to trust him?just because she sleeps around doesn’t mean he’s cheating on you.

Yes they can. The question is can they live together NO. To much time together with no shared responsibility towards each other. I have seen it over and over. It becomes the forbidden fruit.

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I don’t understand why people think when you’re being defensive it means guilt! NOT in my case! Who wouldn’t be defensive when being accused of something that is not true or whatever the case may be.

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I have no clue whether hes cheating or not, but either way he has NO business becoming friends with your roomate in that way. Its one thing if youre all friends together or hangout, but alone? No. Not appropriate.

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They can be just friends, I know this from personal experience. But what else I also know from personal experience, is my husband is lying through his teeth when he instantly gets defensive.

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Go with your head not your heart. Too many times women don’t trust that little voice inside. Trust it.

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I am single and date lots. I have plenty of platonic male friendships no sexual contact. That being said yes he is cheating because every man ever thats cheated has said that lol

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Yes they can and not all people who become defensive are guily. Some people who get defensive are offended you would even think of that let alone accuse them of such nonsense. All depends on person and situation

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Yes they can … I have many male friends and there is absolutely nothing sexual…my husband also many female friends and again nothing sexual we have been together 18 years jealousy is a green eyed monster if you have no trust you have no relationship because it will kill anything the two of you have … if he has given you no reason to think other wise while you all were living together why would it get to you now that she is moving out

Him questioning your feelings makes him look guilty but you questioning his is ok?
Literally EVERYONE accused of doing something wrong will get defensive whether they’re guilty or not
It’s 2021 people can be friends with other people regardless of their genitalia…and we don’t slut shame anymore #HerBodyHerChoice

Yes they can be friends without it crossing the line however, you either willingly moved him in with a well known slut or moved a slut in with him. Maybe he’s getting defense because your acting jealous if you can’t trust a man there’s no need to be with him. You and him however should not be ok with making NEW friends of the opposite sex that one of you is spending time without the other. He therefore should understand how you feel even though nothing may be going on he should respect your feelings and cut ties. If he doesn’t than yes something is probably going on.

I feel like it’s one thing to have female friends if they were friends since before you got together with him. But it’s another thing to make friends with a female when you’re in a relationship already. Not cool.

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He has zero respect for you and your feelings regardless if he’s cheating or not. You told him how you felt and he invalided your feelings. PS I feel like he’s guilty.

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Can men and women be friends?.. sure… but I’d be real curious what he being in his 40’s could possibly have in common with a girl that young.

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You already know your answer I think you may be looking for confirmation…

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It’s not just him, it’s her too. Shit I’d set up a camera.

If your not ok with him having female friends then he should force you to give up all your male friends and not allow you to have any male friends at all … if that’s how your going to be

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Yes men n woman can just b friends but if ur gut is telling u somethings going on here listen 2 it. Keep ur mouth shut n ur eyes n ears open!! U will find out a lot that way. That’s how I Found out the truth.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. If you SO is defensive, does that mean something

Be honest. Tell him she’s promiscuous and prefers men his age and thats why it makes you uncomfortable, especially if the jealousy is not your norm. Men love to be needed and she needed help moving, so they could actually just be friends. If he’s still defensive then something may be up

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Hmm… not neccesarily. Do you trust him? If you have told him it bothers you and he continues to do it then he doesnt value your relationship. But trust is a big factor here.