I'm a mess, how do I stop myself from messaging my ex?

I feel like the root of my behavior comes from my dysfunctional family, abandonment/neglect during my childhood. Im aware that I am 100% responsible for my actions. But I feel this may be the reason for the following.

In high school I had a boyfriend who i loved sooo much, due to my unstable living situation we couldn’t see each other often. We broke up because he had gotten someone pregnant. Since then I began a very rebellious phase. Ditching school, ran away from home, drinking and smoking etc.

Eventually I met someone who helped me out of all that. He encouraged me to finish school and work etc. Got married at 19 and now have 2 kids together. After 13 years we have had soo many ups and downs. I have no doubt we love each other. We both just have very strong personalities.

Last year he broke my heart. I found him sexting someone. He agreed to stop and unlocked his phone so I can have access at any time and has made a great effort to amend his mistake. But when I found this out I went and messaged that ex from HS, out of spite.

I found out he never got someone pregnant. It was just a rumor. His sister had a friend move in because when she got pregnant they kicked her out. He said he looked for me to clarify what happened but I had moved foster homes. He’s now in another state, married and all. We both agree that’s probably a good thing because if we lived close we’d be seeing each other.

Im happy, I see my husband and I love him. I can’t see myself loosing him. But I also have this need to talk to my ex. We dwell on the past. Our conversations can last forever. I just dont know how to stop myself. I tried blocking him for a while. Keep myself busy but one of us always gives in and calls.

Please don’t judge me.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I'm a mess, how do I stop myself from messaging my ex?

Wow I’m sure this is hard…but see your marriage through should it not work out then maybe his didn’t either but for now you’re both taken

Block and change your phone number. Don’t go through with it. He may just say things he knows you like because he’s unhappy.

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It’s really simple. If you’re not 100 percent happy with your husband, break it off until you can figure out what you want. 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Cheating is cheating. And you don’t want to be the one left with a guilty conscious :tipping_hand_woman:

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I feel like you’ve got a good Husband by your side and you should give him your 100% attention and love and just leave the ex alone… Because yes you guys had something special but it didn’t work out and you ended up finding the man you agreed to marry and commit to and should really try and enjoy your husband… I get it… I still message my ex all the time and I have in relationships and single and it’s always fucked everything up for me… Your ex is your past… Keep him there.

Remember how shitty you felt when you found your husband talking to someone else… your going to be the cause of that to him … 2 wrongs don’t make it right… you need to cut it out the past it the past and things happened the way they did for a reason

Have you considered counseling? Not so much for your marriage but for yourself? Maybe healing the unresolved trauma from your past will help, and keep you from feeling the need to return to those past feelings. I’ve learned the hard way that until we deal with the baggage from our past, we carry it into every relationship. I hope this helps, and sending hugs your way.

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You sound like you really love your husband and should change your number and block the ex. Change your email and everything. Your husband deserves you to be 100% faithful to him if you really are working out your past problems. I also think that you should tell him what you’ve been doing so he can hold you accountable and check up on your phone and stuff like you have the option of checking his. The whole thing sounds toxic to everyone involved if you ask me :disappointed:

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Well, I know you’re married but soulmates are soulmates that’s how I feel about it.

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You need to focus on your marriage and your husband. If you plan to talk to this guy, you should talk to your husband about it first. See what he has to say about it and give him some options in this as well since you are married to him. As well ask yourself how you’d feel if your husband talked to an old high school flame. There might lay all your answers.

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Therapy.
You have a self destructive streak and you need to address it.
Block him on everything and change your number.
Stop allowing access to you.

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Move forward not backwards. easier said then done!

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First you gotta delete and block him. Get counseling. There is a book called obsessive love it really helped me. Weigh it up against what you have now, your ex is your ex for a reason, is he worth jeopardizing what you have now, you are self sabotaging mama

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Cheating and betrayal are never the answer. However, you are feeling hurt by what your husband did so you retaliated trying to make yourself feel wanted and maybe make him feel the pain he caused you. Again 2 wrongs don’t make it right.
The “feelings” for your ex is the high school lust that got abruptly cut off without any closure and or explanation. So when you think about your ex your remembering and feeling all those overwhelming high school butterflies again because that relationship didn’t take a natural course of ending. You have to remember though, you and your ex are not kids anymore and not even the same people. You both have grown and changed and if you were to start a relationship with the ex it would fizzle out so quick you’d probably get whiplash because the expectation of who each other is is going to be completely wrong because you’re not teenagers anymore. Things have changed dramatically in both of your lives. Physically you might recognize each other but emotionally not at all.
Then to top that off say you both did break it off with your current spouses and start a relationship with each other. Because you both crossed the line of trust in your current relationship with each other you would then be trying to build your relationship on a unstable foundation with facts that neither one of you can truly trust each other. That relationship would crumble and burn and the collateral damage would be so great.
Your best bet is to send ONE last message to the ex closing out that high school relationship then blocking him on everything. Let him know this is the end, you are closing this chapter and he will forever be a memory but nothing more (you want to try and help him plant the seed to get healing and closure as well, but ultimately YOU need to focus solely on your own healing). Then you focus on healing the pain your husband caused you and if you can heal that and want to work on trusting each other again put forth all the energy and love to restructure and stabilize the foundation of your relationship. Best of luck in the journey of healing. :heart:

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Block the ex honey.
I promise you it’s the “what coulda been”
It’s not worth it. Seen a lot of people destroy what they have to c if the grass is greener & I promise you it never ends well.
Love your husband. He sounds like he learned his lesson.
Appreciate what you have.
Also seek some sort of counseling it’s always good to talk to someone.

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Delete his number and block him on all social media.
Say goodbye and then be done. If you are in a healthy relationship, what you are doing with your ex is going to poison it. You need to be present in your marriage or walk away from it.

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Am I reading this right? Your pissed at your husband for sexting someone else but yet it’s ok for you to text your ex?
Forget about the ex and concentrate on the husband

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Dude. You’re old enough to know this isn’t going to end well. You’ve already said you don’t want to lose your husband. You chose to stay after he fkd up, but if that’s too much, go. Don’t keep playing games because you WILL get hurt. Not to mention someone else damn sure will, too.

:roll_eyes::woman_facepalming: you obviously weren’t ready for marriage

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Please don’t judge me, lol ok.

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Trama bonded​:sweat: i still am 2yrs later after 10yrs together. Stay :muscle::purple_heart:

How can you be upset over him doing exactly what you are doing. Clearly neither of you are happy. Either stop or leave.

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First of all… obviously blocking the ex doesn’t help. You stated you tried that. So, it isn’t about blocking her ex. She says she can’t stop herself… that is a personal choice you are going to have to make. No amount of therapy or advice seeking is gonna change that. YOU have to decide that YOU are doing the exact same thing to another woman that was done to you. Remember the heartbreak? Also, you are doing the same thing to your husband except worse. YOU a know what he did. YOU control him and his phone at your discretion. What’s fair for you is fair for him. Who done what first is irrelevant at this point. You are both the same. Difference appears to be he made a mistake and has worked hard to fix it and you used his mistake to justify what you are wanting to do and are still wanting to do or you’d stop and come clean. Not judging you for how you dealt with his mistake, but at this point it’s only bc you enjoy it. If it’s innocent your husband should already know. And yes, you should expect him to be angry when he finds out… wouldn’t you be? If it were the other way around? Either way you and the other woman’s husband are doing no different than what was done to you. It makes y’all the same. I’m sure at the point when your husband started… he felt justified as well. May still be doing it had you not had caught him… who knows? Point is he isn’t and is working hard to salvage y’all, but he can’t do it alone.

Both married. Sounds like you two might deserve each other.

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I love all the judgemental people in here. It must be nice to be perfect and so smart and be able to look down on people who need help and seek advice because you have it all together.

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You are married with kids. Your life isn’t your own anymore you’ve got to think about your family. Don’t do it!

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You need intensive therapy to help you heal the dysfunction you grew up with and to decide if you even want your husband or if you care for him and he’s convenient.

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BLOCK no matter what because you are a married woman and he is married man. You got upset about your husband messaging another woman but you are doing the same to your ex’s wife, think about that…

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I'm a mess, how do I stop myself from messaging my ex?

You’re not in high school anymore. It’s not fair to your husband to be cheated on and lied to. Very dangerous game you’re playing…not to mention selfish. You’re an adult…be respectful and responsible and stop the game. Leave the old flame alone and if you “can’t” then leave your husband he deserves better.

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I won’t judge you, but you need to reflect on your behavior. Trauma does not give you the right to act inappropriately. Get yourself together before you damage your relationship with your husband. Block him ffs.

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Things happen for a reason. You both are living a ideal dream of what could have been. Cut it off and go your own ways or both your spouses may find out and you will have more problems than you want to deal with.

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It’s one thing to end your marriage, but to potentially end his as well is wrong. Like others said above, you aren’t in high school anymore - it’s been over 13 years, you are both married, and unless that changes, your communication needs to end.

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2 wrongs don’t make a right… I feel you’re acting out on what he did with the sexting. If it has stopped & you’ve forgiven him then stop all communication with the ex. I just don’t see breaking the marriage up over an ex flame from more than 13 years ago… if you’re going to entertain the ex, leave your husband. You were hurt when you caught him. How do you think this will affect him.

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Everyone on here is judging. I thought I loved this guy in high school, like head over heels. He cheated on me constantly and I always forgave him. We finally broke it off, then I met my daughters dad. I got pregnant at 15 had my baby at 16. Back story here, my mom got pregnant young (with me), my dad dipped, and has never been in my life. My mom is an alcoholic. However, when I had my daughter I realized I had to live for her. I dropped out of high school, got my degree online. I now how my Bachelors degree, bought a house last year, I am still in school and I’m going to start studying for my CPA. I still struggle from things that happened in my past, but I didn’t and will not let them define me (sometimes I do, but I move forward). You CANNOT blame your past for how you act now, because how you act is now solely on you. You take the lessons and hardships from your past and grow, make yourself better, for you and your children, your marriage, or future relationships. My daughters dad and I didn’t work, both of us were at fault. But when we split I took time to heal, and do it by myself, to make myself know I was capable on relying on ME (now we are great at coparenting). I met my current boyfriend of four years (the love of my life), and I would never dream of doing this to him, because neither of us would deserve it. If you can do this to your current husband, then he’s not the one. Don’t do what you are doing out of spite, I have done that and I have cheated (on my ex). Be honest with yourself and him. If it’s meant to be, he will work through it with you, drop the other man and work on your family, if not then drop all men and work on yourself for your kids.

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Stop the ex is married you want your husband doing that u know first hand it don’t feel good please get therapy u have childhoods issues best of luck

You need help!! first u blame ur family then u say u went downhill once u learnt ur boyfriend at the time got a lass pregnant so which one is it??? Whos at fault and btw yeah u might have a lot t talk about with ur ex but remember at first you do speak alot and have a ton of stuff t talk about and then after it gets boring so are you then gonna move on to the next victim? :woman_facepalming:

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That’s not fair at all to your husband or to his wife. Y’all need to pick and choose which route you want to go. This alone is cheating.

Uhm. If he has stopped then why are you still doing it…Why even do it at all? Two wrongs dont make a right. Block him before you lose everything over someone from many years ago.

Pls get therapy. You have a lot of issues you need guidance to work thru.

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Shit… How do I stop my so called husband from messaging his ex… That’s my fucking question.

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It takes one hell of a man to undo the damage from the past. And yes he can be one hell of a man and screw up and make mistakes. He owned his mistakes and is doing everything he can to right that wrong. It is very rare to find that. I’m sure reconnecting with your ex after the betrayal of your husband brought back a lot of old feelings and insecurities. You acted rashly out of hurt and anger and now youre stuck in that head space. Take a good look at yourself, at your husband and at your marriage. You have a happy, loving life. You are so much more than your past and your husband had a lot to do with that. He makes you a better person as you do for him. Do you think your life would improve if you left your husband for your ex? Do you think he’d take care of you, understand you, love you and forgive you the way your husband does? Don’t ruin a good marriage with a good man that you love because his mistake put you back where you were. Allow him to help you out of that place the same way he did before. What are you getting from your ex that you feel your husband is lacking? Think on it and talk to your husband about it. Maybe more changes need to be made, on both of your parts. That betrayal won’t be an overnight fix. For either of you. But your marriage will be stronger in the end for it.

Work on yourself before you have a whole train wreck.

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Sounds like y’all need closure. Stop dwelling on the past, it happened but now you have your husband who you don’t want to lose. I’d write everything you missed about your ex, about y’all’s past. Get it all out. Then burn it. Cry if need be, but it’s time to let go. Really let go.

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Delete and block the number.

U already know it’s wrong. Keep it moving.

Lame u have no self control

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Therapy. Get yourself some.

No judgement and not trying to be mean… but I seriously think some intense therapy will help. You love your husband. You don’t want to lose him. So I think you need to try harder to not contact your ex and get some help. You said you had a lot of trauma. I really think it’ll help. Best of luck.

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Satan is very good at making the grass look greener. And this man was your first love. BUT….if you do not want to hurt your children and his children you must make the choice to end the contact. And talk to your husband about your emotional needs.

Look. You know your behavior isn’t ok.
You’re essentially doing the same thing you were mad at your husband for.
I can tell you two wrongs don’t make things right. It’s cliche as hell but it’s also true.
Try this: You’re looking at the “what if” possibilities on what could have happened from only the positive perspective. You’re only looking at him and seeing the previous positive qualities. But everyone also has negative.
Try looking at it from a realistic perspective. Try looking at it from even the possible negatives. Try making yourself remember the things you didn’t like.

First off. You both would have likely broken up anyway…You probably wouldn’t have met the person who helped you get your life together. You wouldn’t have your kids.

Once you start waking up to the reality it get easier to let go.

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I understand you did it out of spite, but your husband is trying to make amends. You both will go no where if you don’t come forward and share this with him. Having conversations like that while married is a betrayal to your husband. I get that you feel because he did it, than you should be able to. However, you and your husband will never end this toxic cycle if you don’t both choose to either be faithful or move on.

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If you can go to your husband right now and tell him you’re talking to a high school ex and he’s ok with it then there is nothing wrong.
If you feel you have to hide it, then you need to stop.

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all of you are so quick to judge but aren’t in her shoes. maybe try counseling? I’d definitely be honest with your husband tho about you texting your ex.

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Being addicted to feeling loved can make us do weird things. Gonna have to choose what you want and what’s attainable

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Delete his number. Don’t re-add it.

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Like someone said above your doing the same thing he did to you. Your emotionally cheating on your husband. Girl you need therapy and do you want to lose what you have? Your husband needs it too. Smh

Nothing wrong with being friends as long as you both don’t cross the line. Also people change and can make themselves look good on messager and texting. You never know if he changed for the better or for the worse. However just talk to your husband and make sure its ok that your talking to him. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

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Okay you can’t get mad at your husband anymore because you are doing the same thing he did to you. You need to get into therapy. Cut off all contact.

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Therapy dear. I come from a messed up childhood, not foster homes, but dysfunctional and abuse. You recognize you have a issue, seek therapy. Trust me it can do wonders. I still have a therapist to this day. You have a family to think of, delete that number and move on! Best wishes.

Girl grow the fuck up. And it has nothing to do with you’re parents ,it’s all in your head.

Okay, first. Stop making excuses for YOUR shitty behavior. Alsoooo, your husband’s shitty behavior shouldn’t sway you towards your ex, and said ex is from well over 13yrs ago lolol. Go to therapy, girl. Sounds you already know you have some untapped issues you need to workout with yourself. Block your ex.

Well either you risk losing everything you have with your family and continue communicating OR you acknowledge its wrong and detrimental to your marriage, you realize the VALUE of what you have and you make BETTER choices.

Tie up that loose end with a quick reminder of where you’re at in your life, why you’re where you are, and where you see yourself in the future. I’m sure the answer isn’t “talking to an ex who’s also married and living in another state out of spite for what my husband once did” :woman_facepalming:t3:

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first i would block and delete him on everything including social media change your number, set up new everything email, social media,etc. it sounds like you need intensive therapy. You are a married woman with two kids show your man that you truly love him and not that ex from many years ago. The Irony of this is that you caught him sexting another girl and you go behind his back and practically do the same thing so essentially you’re being a hypocrite

Block block block and stay away from any form of communication for 21 days!

If there is ANY possibility of you being emotionally close to another person besides your spouse, remind yourself of your vows. Discuss with your HUSBAND your thoughts and/or feelings and fight through them together…or get a divorce.

Don’t disrespect your spouse and try to relive your younger years - even if it’s emotionally.

Emotionally connecting with someone other than your spouse is cheating and a very dangerous line to walk IF you want to remain married.

Draw that line now and pick which side you want, marriage or divorce, and have your actions follow that.

Lose his # and cut off all contact

It’s possible you haven’t forgiven your husband for what he did. However, you’re not respecting your ex’s wife. Go to couples therapy also individual. You need to heal. If you can’t forgive, then move on and give yourself time alone to work on yourself or really work on your marriage.

Well you definitely shouldn’t get involved with your ex you’re both still married if y’all were single that’s a different story . Even if your husband cheated it doesn’t make it right for you to do the same since you obviously forgave him and stayed . So assess yourself and determine if you want a divorce or stay with your husband but you definitely shouldn’t be getting involved with another married man that will cause even more strife and heartache . Also we can’t blame our upbringings anymore when we are adults because we have to learn to fix those wounds I know because I struggle with that too . #hopeyouchoosewise💙

Listen to dr. Laura , it’s free, blunt, & very helpful

I’ve recently been in the same shoes as you. I love my husband and couldn’t imagine my life without him. I reached out to the 1st guy I really ever loved I haven’t spoke to in 18 years after he broke my heart. I talked to him for a few months before my husband ever found out. But I soon came to realize that my husband is the one that loves me and shows it everyday. We had our ups and downs alot of them. But eventually I blocked my ex on social media and stopped speaking to him. It was better that way. Especially if I didn’t wanna destroy my marriage.

You acknowledge in the first paragraph of your post that you are aware that you are 100% responsible for your actions while also using your past as the excuse. If you cannot figure out how to control yourself and are struggling with using the past as a crutch I think it may be time to seek some personal therapy to figure out why you continue to revert to what used to be. To get some perspective on the fact you ARE married to someone that, I assume, did nothing to deserve this. Maybe it’s time to be honest with yourself and ask your husband for a divorce. You aren’t as in love with him as you claim if you can constantly call and message your ex boyfriend from high school. Just my two cents.

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Definitely get a therapist on board. It’s great that you have identified some really important things linked to childhood but have you really gotten professional help to process them. They do not just go away because we say they happened. Look into reading some codependency books. And start by identified your actual needs and wants in a relationship without the magical thinking mindset. You cannot re-create history. You can be grateful for some closure with that situation and adopt the mindset that “things happen for a reason”. Going back isn’t the answer. Loving yourself is. There are things in your current relationship they need work and that’s where you should attempt to focus first. But really becoming the healthiest version of yourself is really what should be primary. Pause talking to the HS ex and give yourself a hard time frame ex:“no contact for 6 months” but tell him you’ll be working on gaining clarity and yourself. Consider couples counseling too. But really working through the fear of abandonment and codependency is going to be key with a healthy dose of self esteem work and confidence building. Don’t think “man’ think"me”!

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives: Mellody, Pia, Miller, Andrea Wells, Miller, J. Keith: 9780062505897: Amazon.com: Books

Obviously there is a lot of unresolved things between the two of you so in my opinion it is nirmal to want to reach out to your ex. Maybe just get to the bottom of everything, delve further into the past and get closure. Then be done with him. You’re happy in your marriage as you say so don’t screw that up. Is your husband aware of this?

The only thing u can really do is just stop. No good to come from it. We all dream about how it may have been. That’s life. Don’t ruin your reality for a fantasy.

We all have desires of what we wanted. But I promise you from experience…stop messaging the ex. It’s going to go to far, and then…theres no going back.

All I can say is just what everyone else is saying…GET THERAPY…if you were in foster homes then you already know that you need therapy…dont destroy what you have with your husband…the man unlocked his phone for you…not many will do that unless they want an honest, clean, trusting relationship…get help…there is a lot of it out there…if you don’t have the money or the insurance there is Social Services…

Therapy first. And you need to have some will power.
Your man doesn’t deserve this.