I have 3 children. 1 boy 2 girls. My girls father and I split 6 months ago. Since then we do a joint custody agreement. 1 week with him 1 week with me and it’s been incredibly hard on the girls. They are used to mama. Within this 6 months I’ve recently met a guy. I adore him. Hes so grown up so kind I feel safe with him. I really wanna see where it goes but then heres my ex wanting to get back together. I just feel so torn in this situation. If I stay with my girls dad I gotta worry about my son feeling left out but I can have my girls all the time. If I move on with this other guy I’m loosing my girls every other week . If I stay I can call the shots with my kids if I go I loose everything. I feel like if I pick this guy I’m picking him over my children. I dont know what to do it’s been a emotional battle past week. I feel so trapped.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I'm torn between moving on but staying for my children
Kids come first. I don’t think you should be so willing to give up time with your daughters for a man you just met. They will be in your life forever, this man probably won’t be.
Never stay for the kids. What would you tell your daughters to do? I would tell mine to be happy. Kids are happier when they have happy parents. Living in a home with constant stress and tension isn’t good. Do what makes you happy and they will be happy.
NEVER. Stay for the children. Them seeing the toxic….that’s what your staying for because that’s exactly what they will learn and carry on into adulthood. Move on!
As for this new guy GIRL?! Get shit right with this co parenting before you run off to restart a new relationship🤦🏼♀️
6 months is to early for anything. Please do not get serious with another man yet. I am classic case of rebound marriages fr. I will tell you from experience, if you can do every other week with the kids, if you live in the same area and can get kids to school together every other week It is so great for kids. Even if they are not doing good now cause its new. Your job as a mother is to help your kids be independent from you. So encourage them getting a whole week with dad. This gives you time with whoever whatever pleases you. Also you are not “loosing your kids” its their life not yours and realistically 50% of their time would be with the other side of them if you do not stay with their dad. They could be with cousins aunts grandma and papa. And they love it. Believe me. As long as you encourage them to grow their own life they will love you for it. My one daughter 7 loves every other week but her dad is on drugs and out of the picture right now. But she loves it. She is strong. She can go with her dad for days her dads gf when he is not around her grandma and one that if his side. Matter fact im bout to call his other babymom see if she wants her. She has a baby brother with that lady. Anyway. I suggest you take a time out. Split kids equally. Its for their best and helps him be responsible for them too. Not overwhelm you. See if marriage can be worked out in another 6months. If you dont want too fine but even in AA you are not supposed to date for the first year cause you are not you. You are broken and will not think properly
Coming from someone who’s parents only stayed together because they had kids please don’t do that to them. It’s a heavy burden to carry and it’s better to show them things don’t work out and you can still end up happy. They might be upset at first but seeing momma happy will make them happier as well.
I suggest don’t get with either of them. It’s only been 6 months since you left your children’s father and too soon to actually deeply know anybody to get into a relationship with them in that way especially when you have several children. Don’t ever pick a man over your kids. They will resent that in the future. And don’t get back with your kids dad. Seems like too much drama.
Sometimes 2 happy homes are better than one broken home🙈 its a hard decision to make, really it is, and i kind of think you already do know what you want to do.
Stick with kids first. Change the visitation to one more convenient and makes them happier. I assume they are under age 5. What happens when they start school. Just remember Guys in your life will come and go. Your kids will always be there unless you make a mistake of placing men first. That makes your kids not feel important and you already are seeing that with your son
This is a hard one … I stayed with my sons dad because of him & honestly even though I wasn’t in love with him anymore it wasn’t too bad. Seeing my son happy truly made me happy, BUT in the end I I chose to leave him & it was the best decision for ALL involved.
Do what makes YOU happy & your kids will see it BUT your kids do come first so keep all your kids & figure out a different plan with your EX … every other week must be so hard for involved. Maybe see if he can do weekends & every Wed or something?
You and your children will be happier and better adjusted to stay alone. Maybe soon you and the girls father and work out better arrangements. You only been gone 6 months i don’t think with 3 children you’ve even had an opportunity to figure out what you need to do. Find you and your kiddos a church family continue to pray about your situation and listen to GOD. Praying you don’t settle for either guy until you have done some soul searching. And yes whatever you do will effect your children.
If he cares for you and respects you and your children. He will want what’s best for the kids as well you should also want your children over anyone and what’s best for them Never disrespect your kids by picking a man over them. I’ve seen many families split up over this and no one should have that power. Maybe you should be alone and rebuild yourself because if the guy loves you he will still be there when you are ready. If he isn’t willing to wait then he wasn’t worth waiting for.
My opinion is don’t ever stay with anyone for the sake of a child, it will never work!
Yes kids come first but ya know what… kids are happy when their mumma is happy!
You split with your ex for a reason.
If you feel like there may be something with this new guy then see where it goes, it could be the something amazing.
Follow your heart, you’ve got this
You do what’s best for YOU the girls will adjust. A happy momma is a healthy momma. And that’s all our kids need to see. Is a happy momma.
Is it court ordered custody agreement or just a mutual agreement between parents? Maybe go before a judge. why does it have to be a full week? Why not every few days?
Why is the son feeling left out? I am confused by this post.
Mmm you don’t go back to an ex just for your kids. If you love him and you genuinely think it can work then that is a completely different thing. For that to work you both had to have changed in whatever ways was causing you to clash before, so this time it doesn’t happen. If you go back and just end up separated again that’s not good for your girls or you either as you’ve already put in the work to move on over the last 6 months. If that’s not the case and the feelings are not there I’d tell him it’s not going to happen, that you’ve grown apart, and I’d tread slowly with new guy and take your time with it. Feeling safe is so important. I don’t think I’ve ever felt truly safe in my life, so don’t take that for granted.
Youre kids cant choose your partner, unless they’re trying to protect you. They have to learn to accept life changes and this is one of them. Your ex isnt respecting your new relationship. Your ex is an ex for a reason. Your daughter’s can still have two loving parents. they dont need you two together for that.
You need to live on your own for a while. Don’t run into another relationship right away. Give yourself time to figure out what you want.
Don’t ever stay for your children. And, going to their dads every other week, isn’t as hard on the kids as you think it is. Yes, they love you. But, they love and need their dad too. And, once they get there… They forget all about being home with mom lol kids do need both parents. And not one more then the other. But don’t ever sacrifice your happiness, cause children need happy parents. Not ones stuck in an unhappy marriage. Showing them unhealthy ways. And teaching them that’s how relationships should work
This is such a tough situation, one that I’ve found myself in before. You need to weigh your options. And ultimately, do what makes YOU happy. Your custody agreement is NOT working if your girls are being effected and are not happy. Go back to court and change it. Don’t put your life on hold for a broken agreement that only makes 1/4 of you happy.
If you decide to split you can adjust the parenting time agreement especially if it’s hard on your kids to be with dad that long. My boys go to there dads house every Wednesday after school and he drops them off at school Thursday morning and then every other weekend they go to his house Friday after school until Monday morning when he takes them to school.
Never stay for your children.
I would always want to have control over my kids whereabouts everything else is secondary.
I’m sort of where you’re at except I have one son. I’m with the man of my dreams who treats me with respect. Go with what makes you happy and of course always put your kids first but never go back to your ex for them like others said. Trust me, it’ll hurt temporarily but one day they’ll understand
Sending hugs Mama. Praying God speaks loudly and clearly to you regarding the direction you should choose. I’m a firm believer in marriage is sacred and you should do whatever you can to fix it but some things aren’t fixable. You deserve happiness. What led to the separation between the girls father and yourself? Has anything been done to change or address whatever that was? Do you feel as if y’all have grown to a place where the relationship would be different this time?
These are all questions I think you need to ask yourself.
Yes it would be wonderful for your girls if it worked but heartbreaking for them if it doesn’t.
One day your kids are going to be grown and flittering off to live their own lives.
If you’ve sacrificed your own happiness between then and now, what have you accomplished really? I know how this sounds but hear me out.
Would you want your girls sacrificing their true path one day for a life they feel stuck in?
I get that having kids makes decisions that much harder - but you and the girls dad have already split. It was for a reason.
We have this awful notion as moms that we cannot possibly put ourselves first ever.
Look at the big picture of this and think about what YOU truly, deeply, absolutely want.
Toss a coin in the air. One side represents your ex and going back.
The other, the new man and the new journey.
Focus only on those two options.
When that coin is up in the air you will already know which side you hope it lands on…
Listen to that gut pull your kids need a happy mom. Not an obligated one. Xxx
Don’t stay for the kids. He’s your ex for a reason.
Never stay for the children. But 6 months is too soon mama. Give yourself some time before bringing any man around your children. Go enjoy yourself with that man if that’s what you like, but when I split (I have 4 children) I managed to have my own dating life but never brought a man I just met around my children he understood my children come first but as a woman you also have to make sure you come first as well. Meaning your children all they need is a HAPPY MOM !!! Stay focused ; your job , your independence, financial stability and a routine. At the end your the mama they need and you’ll need your break and they also need their daddy too !
This is horse shit!! Im sorry what did I miss here to where you lose out on your kids to try a shot at happiness with someone new!!!.. Why can’t you date this man and move forward with the parenting plan in place?? Dont look back, kids are resilient!! Do you want to teach them to settle in life and be unhappy with a partner?? Children can’t save a broken marriage. You deserve to be happy!! Take it court to guarantee your visitation with your children…but take your time with this new man. Right now emotions are running high Momma!
You can’t be with a man for your children because in the long run it would damage them. However if your girls dad is the one you want then go for it do what makes you happy but if your unsure maybe stay single for a while and find yourself goodluck whatever you choose I’m sure you’ll make the right decision
Don’t stay in a bad relationship with the kid’s dad just because you’ll miss the kids the weeks they’re there. Because in the end, that shit messes kids up.
Would you want your children to be in the type of relationship that you and your ex have/had?
I would stay where you are happiest. Without background on why you have been split up, I’m gonna say the ex ALWAYS wants to get you back when he sees you happy with someone else. Stay with the safe and happy relationship, and go to court! If your girls are struggling with this agreement it should change. Every other weekend and Wednesday’s. One week on one week off is hard on school children adjusting to it. You call the shots anyways you’re the momma. If something isn’t working then you advocate for your kids and change it!! You don’t let your ex make you feel like you’re choosing someone else over your kids.
Depends on why you split.
6 months isn’t too fast, don’t listen to those people. You said you adore him and he makes you feel safe, that’s amazing!
You’re not losing your kids, you just take turns with their dad, that’s ok. You gotta think of your happiness too.
You sound very immature concentrate on your kids and what is good for them
You wouldn’t be the first girl to pick the guy over their children.
Your children and their well being should ALWAYS come first before ANYBODY OR ANYTHING!! Period!
Your kids come first. You’ve known this guy less than 6 months.
Choose yourself and your children -all of them- and forget the guys.
Kids come first, so whatever you feel is the best for them all would be the answer.
Do what is best for all of your children.
Why would you lose your son is you stay w husband? Is he anyone, mean, drunk, addicted? If you are considering staying w husband of several years he must have some decent qualities, you’ve only known new guy short period, as undecided as you feel I think if it’s safe, maybe you should try with hubby again at least for children, you promised them a good life when you had them, this is long term, but you didn’t really give enough details on way you are separated. Be smart, not a fool for new bling!! Children’s welfare first.
Why would your son be left out?
Why would your son feel left out? Your ex wants to get back together? Sounds like you have not given your ex some firm boundaries. Unless YOU want to get back together w/him. In that case, what’s the new guy for?
Loosing your kids is never the right choice.
Why you get separated ? That’s main concern . It was a bad situation with ex ?? You answer to yourself .
You do what makes you happy and if u choose to work it out with your wx yall go to therapy together and if u dont want to work it out then move on. Don’t feel stuck because u need to do what is best for u and the kids and do what makes you happy.
Maybe change your time with the girls. I couldn’t do the 1/1 week. We do ( hope you can follow - it has been the best for our kids, they really like it)
Week1: mon and tues with mom
Wed and thurs with dad
Then Friday, sat and Sunday with mom
The next week reverses:
Mon and tues with dad
Wed and thurs with mom
Friday, sat and Sunday with dad.
You get your kids ever other weekend and also see them during the week. You get some personal time as well. We have been doing this schedule for 7 years. My kids are older now and expressed to me that it was the best way. They hated every other week. Just a thought for you.
You need to be happy too. Don’t stay in a relationship that you are not happy in just fir the kids. Being happy reflects in the way you parent. Your children see it too and they learn your behaviors as to how a relationship should be.
Don’t worry about the new guy or your ex….KIDS COME FIRST!!
Just keep in mind that if you are not happy your kids will know and they won’t be happy either.
I would never pick any man over my children, that’s just me!!
Do what makes YOU feel and be happier
You’re broken up for a reason.
If you haven’t fixed the problems that caused you to separate you would be doing your kids a great disservice by getting back together. It’s not fair to them to hear you fighting just so you can have your kids all the time. It’s kind of selfish to put them in that position.
Just the fact that you haven’t jumped and did what makes you happy (like many mothers would have done) shows what an incredible mother you are. And tells me that you’ve given up ALOT for your children. So, for once, do what makes YOU happy. You deserve happiness too! You’re not leaving your kids! And eventually maybe you can have it changed to just a few days a week that dad gets them. Tell your girls to hold out a little longer, and when it’s dads week try to include yourself in their lives a few days a week so it’s not such a long time away from them. You can’t stay in a loveless relationship just to make others happy. It will just damage everyone.
Go be happy mama, you deserve it
I think you should put your kids happiness. It is possible to work things out and fall in love again. Sometime being apart put things in perspective.
Why would your son feel left out ??? I’d try once more with your ex to see what happens…
Staying with a man for the sake of the kids doesn’t work 9 times outta 10. It’s unhealthy for them and you.
If you don’t choose your kids first that’s effed up. And obviously never take back an ex… Recall why yall split.
Why cant u see if children if ur with this new dude?
If you do, you are choosing
Always pick ur kids js
Make a pro con list for both situations.
What is best for the children, all of them, comes first. You didn’t mention your SON’s dad, but seem very concerned about your son feeling left out if you go back with your daughters’ father. Did he feel left out before? You seem quite young from the wording of your post. I hope you have support outside of your immediate relationship because you need to try for your kids sake to stand on your own and focus on them right now. Your girls are used to mama, you say. They can have mama. Don’t think that a new guy will solve all your problems. YOU need to do that. By solving your problems, you will solve all of your kid’s problems. Love to you all!
There is a reason why you are not with the girls dad. You’ve loved that life and are willing to go back to it? As is you share them. You should teach them to always be were they can be truly happy.