Is it bad that I am ready for my son to move out?

I have 2 sons…28 and 18…different as night and day. My 28 yr old has always been responsible and done well for himself . My 18 yr old pushes all the buttons and I am so ready for him to graduate, move out and start his life as he wants to live it…problem is he has screwed up so bad with school since the whole covid thing started, that he may be home for another year. Mostly his laziness and procrastination pushes me to a boiling point at times. How can I find some zen and enjoy him? I feel so bad about my attitude towards him, but I am afraid he won’t get his self focused…help!

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Is it bad that I am ready for my son to move out?

Maybe you should have been a better teacher.

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COVID screwed up alot of people’s lives including schooling. He probably feels lost and stuck. Maybe have a calm conversation with him about what his plans are without judgement. He’s still pretty young, he will find his path.

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Sorry but his laziness and procrastination is because of you not teaching him correctly. He screwed up so bad with schooling because you didn’t guide him with that. Stop blaming your son when it’s mainly your fault as a parent.

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I’m not trying to make you feel guilty or tell you that you’re a bad parent but have you talked to him and attempted to find out if something is going on to make him this way? Anxiety and depression is real and it’s more common in teens than people realize. I struggled with both and was bullied relentlessly. I survived and graduated because I switched to virtual school. Please don’t just give up on him. Sometimes a parent is all a child has to turn to.

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I feel sorry for your son, he has you for a mom

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Your younger son needs to be loved differently. Could be a result from being in the shadows of his older brother. Sometimes kids teach us things. Not everyone fits in the mold that your oldest made for you. Try positive reinforcement. This whole Covid thing has many adults mentally a mess- never mind being a teenager during it. Try parenting differently, counseling to learn more and communicate with him about his mental health. Life isn’t easy, don’t push him out to the wolves- he might not come back.

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Maybe try talking to his teachers see if he needs extra help one on one time. Maybe try having alone time with him and make him feel special. He might honestly feel like you love his brother more than you love him and maybe that’s why he acts out with you. Do either one of them have jobs. If not try and get them a job at Chick-fil-A it teaches them great manners and responsibility on how to be an adult. Do they have a male role model in their life, if so maybe your husband or boyfriend or whatever or their fathers need to help out. Possibly is he the one that acts more like you. Think maybe you need to ask yourself some questions.

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Find a way. My boy moved to heaven. I’d give anything for all the trouble he put me through

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Are you guys together a lot of times? Maybe you both need some space. If you’re constantly bickering it can get more frustrating. Since he’s 18, make him get a job. Give him responsibilities. Try and see if your older son can talk to him. He could be doing things to piss you off on purpose just to get a reaction. But also do not let him feel like you don’t want him around, that can definitely take a toll on him and push him out and on bad terms. Be as loving as you are to the oldest even if he doesn’t seem to appreciate it, he will.

So many rude and hateful comments. Instead yall could be explaining ways to help this mom do better. Not criticize her for already feeling guilty for feeling this way. We as parents get over stimulated as well. It’s wrong to talk down on one because she came for help.

I think you should try one on one, maybe even a Tudor? Find out why he’s not motivated and help him get there. I’m not best for advice but I was once in his shoes. I just didn’t have the want to do anything but once I realized how low I’d sunk i turned it around completely. Maybe also try talking to him about getting a part time job once his grades are up? It’ll help him learn responsibility as well. Good luck momma.

Sounds like he may need an evaluation for adhd and or depression.

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Maybe instead of having the idea in your head that once they turn 18, graduate and move out they’re no longer your responsibility you accept the fact that your child is your child unconditionally till the day you die and you are to support and encourage them.

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Stop bashing the mum, he’s 18, classed as an adult. If she has a 28yr old whom is doing it all right, what makes ya think she’s taught him any different?
People so quick to assume it’s always the parents fault, sometimes it’s genuinely they’re lazy little shits who have become comfortable relying on mum for everything, sounds like he really meets to stand on his own two feet. You won’t be around to catch him forever.

Wow…what a group of shitty advice givers y’all are.

Did you help him through the covid nonsense? Or did you expect him to be as collected about it as his ADULT brother :woozy_face:? Covid and going virtual messed with a lot of kids. They were left with a computer, a half assed virtual lesson and a big fat figure it out. My son struggled big time. I was able to help him academically but socially… forget it. He started refusing to even open his computer, he would even toss it across the room sometimes. We got him into counseling, it helped A LOT.

Maybe get to the root of your son’s issues rather than cross your fingers for the day you can be rid of him. And for the love of the sweet baby Jesus, STOP COMPARING HIM TO YOUR OTHER CHILD!

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Please find a way to communicate and make him feel comfortable opening up to u, its very important to see u as a friend first and after as a mother I wish my parents would be more open to me especially at that age don’t make any differences between them

why are you feeling bad. stop feeling bad be a parent explain to him what’s going to happen. and then make it happen the longer you put things off you become like him. pretty soon he’s controlling your life. sounds like that he is already he obviously doesn’t want to work in school so he’s probably not going to want to work after he gets out of school. now’s the Time to inform him Life begins when you graduate. be quiet honest it’s unfair to the 28-year-old that you’ve raised to do the right thing he looks at this as though well if I could have got away with that I’d have done that too. stop being a wimp be a parent and a mother second and he will succeed in life this is what’s wrong with the world today the government gives them everything and they become entitlement. this is this what you want for your son I don’t think so so put the hammer down it’s going to hurt but in the end it will be worth all of it

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Maybe try and be a little more understanding. Our poor children have had to deal with so very much in their young lives, with a lot more hardships to go through if this war keeps up. Maybe sit down, talk with him about what he would like to do, maybe do a vision board, see what he’s interested in, get him excited for a future that has zero excitement in it right now, and enjoy your time with your son! Poor kid probably already feels less then the way your talking about his older brother, the golden child. He ain’t goona go anywhere if your not supportive of him and his choices now….

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He probably notices the difference in the way you treat him and the way you treat his brother and in his head he thinks he will never live up to the things his brother has accomplished, so why try? When you cherish and praise one child and treat the other like he’s nothing, it can really take a toll on his mental health.

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I’m surprised at all the mean messages. I feel your pain. I’ve been there. Some days I still go there. I work, homeschool, and full time mom everyday. My older kids don’t appreciate it. I stay on them and some days I’m like the heck with it. What I’m hearing is find you again. We lose ourselves in the midst of turmoil and cater to others and not to ourselves. We must have balance in everything we do. Push even when you don’t feel like it. Correct even when he don’t listen. You can only do your part and the biggest thing forgive yourself for whatever path he chooses. It’s not all your fault. All of us don’t have the Brady Bunch kids. Enjoy your day hun.

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This could be him used to constantly being compared to his perfect brother. As the sister who was the “good one” I hate when my parents berated my sister using my accomplishments. We’re different people. And Covid messed up so many lives, especially those in school. He probably didn’t cope well with switching from in school to online learning. Maybe a heart to heart about expectations and goals will do. This is not really the best time and economy to be putting out an 18 year old.

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I’d be more worried about a 28 year old living at home. It’s time to spread the wings and move out.

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I feel your pain, I have 3 boys. The oldest is like your oldest son. One of the twins pushes back a little but his twin brother, complete opposite. Might not graduate due to low credits, horrible attitude most of the time, chores not being done. Yes he has an IEP that just started his 2 weeks ago. Don’t let these other people say you’re a bad mom because you feel how you feel. Pray about it and let God help your family.

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Talk to ur kid!!! Tell him how u feel and why I’d leave out the part about being ready for him to move out…as I think a lot of parents feel like that from time to time it’s not very nice I wouldn’t repeat that to people u dont trust u obviously can see how rude and mean people are…my now 19 yr old had some issues getting through school as well I talked to him like an adult about it I gave him a chance to tell me why he thought he was having trouble I asked him what he wanted to do about it he made the right choice all on his own I just supported him mentally emotionally …show ur kid u have his back ur in his corner try to understand where hes coming from well explain urself if appealing to his rational mind doesn’t work break out the big guns and teach the kid what it means to be an adult with no education!

99% of the women on this post are just raking this woman and you don’t even know the situation. You’re vile. Every child is different, she may even be dealing with a child suffering from innumerable mental health issues due to the unprecedented COVID conditions he’s had to endure. If this were a juicy post about a man or an ex you’d be cheering her on but instead you’re all treating her like a pariah. It’s shameful. Take that young boy to a psychiatrist. Be his champion it’s clear he still needs you and it’s clear he’s not himself because you can’t even enjoy each other. Even if you don’t agree having a mother who loves him is a very very important thing whether he lives at home or not trust me on this don’t listen to these women they’re just raking you to stoke their ego and likely their children feel unloved if that’s how they operate.

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Look my kids are 9, 6, and 20 months and I’m ready for them to move out :sweat_smile::sweat_smile::sweat_smile::sweat_smile::sweat_smile:

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Could be a number of things that’s made him become lazy, depression, anxiety, isolation you name it. COVID effected us all!! And it’s not your fault he’s became this way contrary to some of the posts on here. He’s his own person, his own mind. Maybe set some firm boundaries. Now’s the time!! And he is old enough to live on his btw 💁

So you play favorites. Got it.

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UNLIKE all the sanctimommies o would explain to him how it’s going to be. He lives in your home & he will start following set rules or he accept his own fate by handling himself. Mental health or not: You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. Don’t feel bad about all these moms blaming you either-It’s not always the parents fault babe. Try opening a line of communication & if he refuses then it’s time to look into alternative living arrangements for him. You can’t run yourself into the ground if he’s not willing to help himself.

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Glad you’re not my mother I feel bad for your son who clearly needs a better role model

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The best place to start is to realize your 18-year-old son is his own person. Stop comparing him to your 28-year-old son.

If you are vocalizing these comparisons in front of him, then that could be the reason for his “laziness and procrastination.”

What you see as “laziness and procrastination” could be apathy because he feels nothing he does is good enough.

You’ve placed your older son on a pedestal, and he’s likely tired of trying to live up to your expectations.

How is someone supposed to feel when their own mother says “I can’t wait for him to graduate [and] move out.”

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I have an 18 year old also, he graduated last June. He struggled through the last two years of high school also bc of covid and he was not easy to deal with at all. But after graduation all the pressure of school was off and his bad attitude melted away. He is now a pleasure to be around and we are closer than we have been in years. He has a job, but he is still figuring out what he really wants to do. I am giving him grace and patience to find his way. The last couple of years were so difficult for him. Be patient with your son, he is still a kid in so many ways.

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All these perfect people on here berating you for your choice of words…. I want to say thank you for being straightforward. You want the best for both kids and the first one was easier to get there. Take a deep breath!! Explain to him your concerns, how his actions are only hurting him, offer him support and help if he should need it. Besides that, he’s almost 18 and has to figure it out for himself. Maybe you’re frustrated, but I wouldn’t personally plan on the kids being out at 18 unless they’re going off to college. That’s me though. I was kicked out as soon as I turned 18, before even walking across stage. I’ve worked full time since 16, straight A student…. and a huge procrastinator lol…. I ended up landing on my feet and doing fine, but it may have been better with a supportive mother that helped navigate.

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I agree with a lot of these comments.
Support and communication go a long way. Also, take into consideration, if he is going to be in school for another year to graduate with a diploma in hand, thats huge. That is going to help him throughout his life. If there is any time to encourage his strengths, it’s now.

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I totally understand what you mean. I was the kid my parents wanted out the house but not because they didn’t love me. They loved me SO MUCH they wanted me to leave and get real world experiences so I could finally figure it out for myself if that makes sense. I know some are coming at you sideways but maybe it’s just the nature of how they read the post. The only advice I have is to remind him constantly that you love him, you’re there to help, and to start gently directing him towards things. If you want him to get a job leave out job ads around the house that he may like in places he would see, if you want him to move out sit him down and talk to him about what kind of lifestyle he wants and physically show him how much it cost to live like that, what kind of job he needs, and how to go about it. If you want him to go to school start dropping flyers for coupons for good grades a whole semester etc. I know that sounds like dealing with a child but truly you still at. 18 is legally an adult but I promise at 18 I was NOT ready

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I’m not an expert on child-rearing, but I do know it’s super not helpful comparing your children. It sounds like the oldest has a few more qualities you find favorable and you can’t seem to find the same ones in the youngest. Instead of focusing on what the younger Doesn’t have, maybe try changing your viewpoint on his qualities. Maybe it’s not laziness, maybe he just prioritizes differently… which means maybe it’s not procrastinating maybe it’s a better use of time. I’m not saying to baby him or hold him to higher standards, but maybe try looking through a different lens at the situation. Also, a frank talk wouldn’t hurt. That way he has crystal clear expectations and can’t claim ignorance if he’s unwilling to help correct the situation

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Imagine telling on yourself like that.

I advise you to 1. pick up a parenting 101 book. 2. Take a look around. Covid has “ messed up” our entire country and you’re blaming your son for getting behind in school? This is a crisis for ALL students!
Stop nitpicking your son and belittling him by calling him lazy! You aren’t just a parent until your child turns 18. It’s a til your last breath kinda thing. Smfh. :woman_facepalming:t3: :v: :door:

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I definitely can sympathize with you. I have an 18 year old senior who has been getting on my last nerves. I too can’t wait until he is on his own so he can see all the things, I was telling was for his best interest. He graduates in June so I’m just going to let things play out !

So until you’ve had a truly challenging teenager it’s really easy to judge. All you can do is try. Communicate with him and his teachers to see where you can help. What people don’t realize is a kid at 17 or 18 can only be forced to do so much. Some kids will take the hard path no matter what you try.

Do your best to open the lines of communication with him, you might find you two can meet halfway.

All three of my kids have gone down different paths and I had my oldest put me through hell but we are on the other side of it now. It took him hitting mid twenties to straighten his path.

For those that have had an easier time, feel blessed. Not everyone is a shitty parent who has issues with their teens.

A young man that age needs to get his excuse the term “shit together” he should have a job by now and be looking into colleges or trade schools and making plans for his future. Kids now a days have been coddled way to much and Mom I’m not blaming you. Its just the way society has been. Now I know I’m going to get grief from all those moms up there :arrow_up: that are giving you grief about not being sensitive enough and all that…but then let them take him in and raise him. I mean come on these kids have really not had it bad. No they didn’t have to walk to school miles away from home in a blizzard. Or through a mine field. Yes some had to put up with bullies and I really do feel bad for them, but it could have been a lot worse. I’m not trivializing some of the things that has happened but if you look at the whole picture these past two years have really been a walk in the park. The kids that tried in school succeeded and the ones who didn’t well didn’t. And whose fault is that ? Especially the high school aged. They knew Graduation wasn’t far away. So I honestly have no feel sorries for them except for the fact that they did loose out on some of the
" momentous high school memories " like Prom, Graduation Ceremony, Senior day. Things like that. So what I am saying in a long rant is Mom don’t feel bad that you are ready for him to get out or at least start acting like an adult. Tell him there are going to be new rules and stick to them. He needs guidance and you are the one to give it. And to all you out there that want to tell me how wrong I am … well just save your fingers, because I won’t read it anyway.

I feel this way about my 8 year old

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First of all comparisons never work and hopefully you’re not saying that out loud. I’d sit him down and calmly let him know he is a grown man now and legally you don’t have to let him live in your home but you are doing so because you love him and you are trying to see to it he gets started in life on the right foot……BUT…if he doesn’t start conducting himself as a grown man and focus on getting started on life and show motivation and respect for himself and you, you will be forced to stop allowing him to be a guest in your home. I’d sternly say I am thinking about giving you a deadline if your attitude doesn’t change. Let him think about that for a minute. I know “guest” is a strong word in this situation but that let’s him know his status after 18 is just that and at that point you are allowing him to live there and are not “legally” obligated to do so. He needs to understand he has now crossed over the legal age of maturity and he needs to start growing up. :woman_shrugging:t3:

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Get your older son to have a chat

Our children are our children for life. Doesnt matter how old they get. They dont automatically leave home at 18 and should feel comfortable coming back home if they have problems.
In no way would I judge another parent but if hes lazy around the home…stop doing everything for him. Dont make his life so comfortable he feels he can just lay around doing nothing about his future and dont compare him to his sibling…hes an individual .

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I had some trouble with my youngest last year. Hes been diagnosed with major dep disorder since then. Maybe there is something more going on?? Worth mentioning, he does alot better on home learning than in high school

Lazy and procrastinating? Wow! Your son needs help for a mental health issue. He needs your support, not your belittling.

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Two kids,two different results.Try to help him move on with his life. If hes too difficult, Tell him to move out while he still knows everything!

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Wow, im glad im, not the only one that has had problems with my sons. Ever since covid. I thought I was crazy for thinking that.v

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He’s 18. I’ve never seen a kid not act like he was 18, when he is. I understand, your patience are thin, but your his mom. Get a grip and deal with it

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I didn’t Grad on time, I did home school and didn’t do fantastic at that at home or when I moved out. I actually ended up going back when I was pregnant in my mid 20’s and graduated with a 6m old. Not everyone is on the same time line. Not everyone has the same priorities. Perhaps he would prefer to get a job first or get his ged instead. We are all individuals so perhaps try looking for his unique qualities vs stressing he’s not living up your expectations of him. Its been a hard few years and it might not look like it but it’s possible he’s actually struggling but playing it off.

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Children, like men, are not DIY projects. He is a person. He is NOT you. So don’t clean his clothes, don’t fix his meals, tell him he has a choice: school or work. He must do one or the other. Is he lazy or is it you want it done this second? Have you tried compromising? You want the trash taken out, then say so. But don’t insist he do it that moment. Give him a deadline: please take out the trash before you go to bed tonight they pick it up in the morning. In the morning, if it isn’t out, get him out of bed to do it. Just because it is an emergency in your mind doesn’t mean it is for everyone. You are not going to make him over in your image.

My 19-year-old and 18 year old are as different as day and night as well. My 19-year-old is more mature and saves money. My 18-year-old works my nerves as soon as he gets his paycheck he has to spend it. Saying that you can’t compare them to each other. They are their own person and they’re going to be different. I know it can be frustrating because sometimes I feel that my 18-year-old needs to grow up but then I remember he’s 18. Everybody matures at different ages.
Have you sat down and tried talking to him it’s telling him that you’re frustrated? I saw one mom comment maybe get your older son to talk to him I have tried that route but with them being so close in age I don’t think it worked with mine maybe it could work with yours since there is an age gap.
Try to hang in there and know that it won’t always be like this and then before you know it they’re not going to live there and you’re going to miss them more than anything.

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I let people live their lives how they want. It’s not up to me to determine what makes them happy. Live and let live. Some people are wired different. Maybe he struggles because of an underlying issue? Covid ruined a lot for a lot of people I’d give him some grace. :white_heart:

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Thanks for your honesty. Having teens; BOYS especially I have a 24 20 19 15 it isn’t always pleasant. So kids can be little assholes and that’s ok to say. What’s not OK is making the Mom feel worse than she already does. She asked for help…Make a helpful suggestion or shut up! Keep scrolling. Communication is key. Explain your concerns and feeling. Allow him to do the same. Let him know what you expect from him and what the consequences will be if he doesn’t follow through. Allow him to express what he expects from you. Meet in the middle and come up with a contract with agreement. Some 18 year olds think they are grown and don’t want no body to tell them nothing but they want to benefits of being a kid. Don’t let know one guilt trip you into anything. You know your kid better than any of these people.

Sit down with him and find out why he isn’t motivated. Maybe give him some responsibility like get a part time job. Have him pay a small portion of room rent, his car payments, cell phone.

Get him to a therapist. Seriously, talk therapy does wonders for this kinda situation.

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I would have my tested for adhd. I’m not sure how he was before Covid but school aged kids were extremely affected by Covid, they were no longer allowed to see friends, play sports, whatever else. It definitely could be a sign of depression if this has started more recently in the last 2 years. ADHD also has “laziness” as a symptom. You know your kid best.

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That’s the problem right there you’re comparing both sons. We all mature at different rate and as a parent you need to have some patience. What is wrong with some of you,why have children if you can’t handle that responsibility. You ever thought he’s failing because of your attitude towards him???

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Charge him rent and a portion of the household bills. Put the money aside and when he is ready to move out give him the money to get set up in his new place.

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See if your area has a job core program. They house them, educate them and help them find a career.

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No help… but yeah… I understand… My 19 is at home… he works… entitled. Took me forcing him to pay rent or move… to get him to work…

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Simply this, you’re not the only one going through this.:wink:

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Lmao you sound like my mom.

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Patience is the key. The last 2 years have been trying for everyone. Depression rears it’s ugly head in different ways and one of the most common is the inability to accomplish tasks. None of us are the same person we were 2 years ago. We have all had to compensate for unusual and unnatural lifestyle changes. We need to be kind and loving. Studies are showing that younger people, as a whole are less driven to work unreasonable hours and live the material life or compete with their peers for superiority. Please don’t judge him or compare him. Just love him unconditionally and try to understand what energizes him. If highschool history, English and math aren’t his thing, maybe a vocational school would be more appealing.

It’s not bad…I can relate

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I’m sure this didn’t happen over nite,just because his 18th b’day appeared,doesn’t mean you sop caring n helping your son,he may have adhd,and find it difficult to complete the school work,or he may having other Issues,talk to him,he may need counseling,and some teenagers just need guidance to sort things out,because they lack confidence…help him to go forward in life❣️

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First of all don’t compare your son’s. They are different as everyone should be different and that’s a good thing. My sons have completely different interests but I find the things they love and work with that. My oldest loves to play video games and board games and card games so I play games with him when I can. My youngest loves cars so when there’s car shows I take him to those. What is your youngest interests? Work with those and enjoy each other instead of comparing and you will find things far more enjoyable

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Enjoy him. Before you know it you will have an empty nest and miss him.

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I have a difficult son, whos turning 15 this year. Hes the one I worry about the most. Brilliant kid who has no idea what to do with himself. I’ve made it clear to all my kids they need to graduate with a plan. A get up and go plan. They can work and move out. They can go travel. They can go to college. But they have to have a plan other than sitting on their butts at home. I’ve straight up told my son I won’t feel bad at all kicking him out after graduation if all he chooses to do is lay in bed and play on his phone.

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Simple he is 18 if he is choose to be lazy he can get out school or not he’s an adult. He don’t get to be a lazy jerk bc he feels entitled. I’m sick of ppl feeling just bc we have kids that gives them the right to disrespect and live off of thier parents. My kids have 3 options once they turn 18 go to college and live at home free but have to have a job to pay for thier own bills such as cell car ect get a fulltime job and pay rent and thier own stuff or move out. I will always help my kids but not if they won’t help themselves or think they are entitled to it. So lay down the law and tell him the rules and if he don’t like them he can move out and pay for his own space and that’s the end of it

Well his going to have to become a man…

Stop comparing children. Treat each one with the unique need that they need

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He’s only 18 & needs more guidance from his mother idk why you’re even comparing him with you’re other son.

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I have a rule. If they live with me past age 18. They either are in school or working. No free loading. All my kids work at 15. My 21 yr old still lives withe and works.

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Don’t compare your son’s cos it might be frustrating but my brother in law and hubby it’s the same issue Wer my brother in law doesn’t his own thing and his lazy but it becos my mother in law talks proud about my hubby and not his ,she prefer asking my hubby what he wants for supper rather then him ,she looks at my hubby contribute to the household and he doesn’t yet my hubby doesn’t really shitty stuff .eg wenbmy brother in law was sik I offered to go with him ,it melted him down towards me and wen everyone is against him I still believe him and wen I speak to him he listens ,wen he comes home late ,I open the door for him and show that someone is still with him ,wen my hubby and I fight he takes my part so my conclusion is you need to win your son yes he is not the best but believe in him and you will see yourls changing and he will listen and focus on what and how he shud be responsible ,the more you show him you against him the more he loses hope and will do more damage .I didn’t have parents since 13 years old and I wish I truly had that attention and love so even if your child is bad ,only you can give him love , attention and straighten his ways .it won’t be easy but who knows one day he might be better than the other son cos he will be done with his fun and games

You have to switch focus now, he’s an adult this is his life to live how he wants you have to trust you did a good job parenting and he will get it together. Don’t focus on his “lazy”or his “procrastination” those are his now he should be well aware of what the natural consequences are of those things now. NOW you get to just love him still give him the better option in any senecios but at the end of the day you have no say over which option he choices. You have no say over his daily choices they are his now. Switch to just having fun with him laughing joking just enjoying his best qualities and be happy for any day you still hve with this adult in your day to day life because soon you won’t have that anymore.

  • of course there are still house rules and respect and what not but if he decides to sleep all day on his day off, he can now. If he decides to leave for work 32 seconds before he has to be there he can do that now and the consequences will be between him and his employer.

28 and 18 of course there are differences, that’s a 10 year age gap. Give him more guidance, Have him start helping with bills . Covid was hard on the kids. Can you imagine going through that at 17?

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Weed honey… Smoke the hell out of it :joy::joy:

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Maybe have him get a GED. No your not bad . I know the feeling. Sometimes you have to give tough love and say it’s time to go.

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I feel this so much. First of all, don’t let anyone make you feel like you aren’t a great parent, because you just asking for advice proves you are. Second, don’t let anyone on here say a negative word because unless they have ever delt with a difficult child they can’t possibly understand. And lastly, give that kid a timeline and send him on his way. A therapist told me this. We hlgave them the tools to be successful and they will sink or swim. It’s up to them now.

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18 is still young and dumb lol, I have 4 children, only 2 have moved out, and yes 1 of them was a procrastinator big time, he is now going on 25 out on his own with his girlfriend and doing amazing. You just need to be patient, they get there eventually lol

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Bound to be a massive difference, one is 28 the other is 10 years younger…comparing them both is not good, the 18 year old could be thinking he is never going to be as good his older brother in your eyes so thinks there is no point in bothering?? This is just a thought

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I really hope he doesn’t ever see this post.

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Maybe get him

  1. counseling to help with his attitude. He probably feels like next to his brother he can never succeed as well, so why even try? Build him up a little and do NOT EVER compare him to his brother. Maybe family counseling to see if you or his dad are doing anything that has him discouraged. Someone else asking him why he thinks it’s OK to be irresponsible sinks in more than when you say it. Also get him screened for depression, anxiety, anything else.

  2. a tutor, after school help, or study help outside of school. Could help get him on track and give him some encouragement and more tools to do better.

  3. a hobby/activity where he can excel. He needs success to build on, and something he can do uniquely and better than his brother. Martial arts is always excellent. Sports are good too. Since he’s already 18, maybe private (tennis, swim, gymnastics, weight lifting, bowling, soccer, hockey) lessons and a team outside of school. Or guitar lessons, singing lessons, whatever kind of dance appeals to him, acting, painting.

Or getting involved in a cause that’s meaningful to him, or church activities, working for a candidate, ecological clean up, or volunteering at a hospital, an animal shelter, or nonprofit. The idea is to give him something that’s uniquely his, that gives him confidence and purpose and gets him out of the house, off the couch and away from screens.

  1. or tell him you’re not paying for anything for him until he gets a job on weekends and in summer to help pay for things. Might make him realize life’s not going to get easier and he’s going to have to support himself fairly soon, and employers aren’t going to put up with laziness or procrastination. Also will show him others being responsible (depending on the job).

  2. information interviewing. Ask what he wants to do after high school: job, certificate, trade school, 2- or 4-year college? Whatever he’s thinking about for an ultimate career, have him contact people in that profession and talk to them about their jobs. Maybe sit with him and come up with a list of questions to ask.

  3. Send him to live somewhere else for a while: to a relative who needs help, a camp, at a responsible friend’s house, on a trip where they have to accomplish something (church mission trip, scientific research, Habitat for Humanity house building, disaster relief) or even foreign travel with a responsible adult. He will see how other people take responsibility and how they live so he has some perspective, a different point of view, different rules to follow and some role models.

Praise him for what he does right. Each little success gives him confidence to do more, but don’t hound him by expecting more right away. Let him add more on his own.

See if he knows how to take care of himself so he can live independently: make the bed, do laundry, vacuum, dust, cook, grocery shop, pay bills, maybe minor repairs, sew up holes & sew on buttons, get out stains, take care of plants, do dishes, scrub bathrooms, do taxes, and know what to do in emergencies.

Don’t dump it all on him at once. Have him learn one new skill a week at most, & do ongoing refreshers as needed. Maybe learn to cook one new dish a week, and eventually let him show off with a special dinner. Let him come up with solutions too, and give him as much choice as you can within a structure. Which skill to learn first, which sport to tackle, which tutoring services he prefers, he can change therapists if it’s not a good fit.

Lots of praise, positive reinforcement, open-ended questions, no complaining, nagging or accusations. Praise his learning and any mastery in front of others. If he thinks you’re proud of him he’ll live up to that. If he thinks you think of him as a failure, he’ll live up to that too.

Keep a gratitude journal for everything good about him, no matter how small. Write something down every day. Maybe he falls asleep easily, always dresses fashionably, is a safe driver, puts his dishes in the sink, is agreeable, is kind to children and/or animals, is patient with old people, can ride a bike, has a nice singing voice, is never cold, shares, cares about the environment or homelessness, he cleared the table at dinner, he’s pretty healthy, he eats a good breakfast. At the end of the week, share the seven good points you came up with. It’ll make you realize he’s a pretty good kid & help you appreciate what he has to offer.

Enlist his friends, your friends and any family members to get him out of the house and learning anything, or even just to have fun. Positive human interaction is a need.

Good luck! I

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Give him some time. All kids mature differently. I think that you are making a mistake by comparing the two boys. He may feel like he will never live up to being as wonderful as you think big brother is. He has to be having thoughts along that line.
Encourage him and help him figure out what he can pursue,as soon as he gets out of high school.
Communication helps alot. Some people need more encouragement, for different reasons. Try to help him. He probably needs to talk.
Good luck to him…
At least he’s finishing high school. Just be proud that he’s not a drop out.

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18 is young he shouldn’t have to have all his shit together, secondly I as an adult felt the effect of covid and I’m still trying to gain my energy back, give him a break

my mom was like this towards me, because i gave up on myself completely for a long time. i can easily say the things that helped us were: 1) not pointing out that i was being lazy, but pointing out that i should do more to make myself feel better. maybe if i’m more productive i’ll get a reward of some sort for doing so. 2) asking how i’m feeling. don’t take “good” or “alright” as an answer, really ask “are you feeling okay” (as he may being struggling in ways you don’t know about. ex. depression, anxiety, etc.) 3) reassurance. “just letting you know you can openly express whatever you need to me and i will listen” or just simply “i’m here for you if you need”. 4) simple invitations to help out. you do this while i do this or do this and ill help you.
lots of ways to approach it, and it most definitely takes lots of time. took me and my mom YEARS to establish these things even if they aren’t constant, as others do get impatient.

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Aye no I would have whooped his ass a long time ago :rofl::rofl:I agree with the weed tho​:joy::joy:

Aaaah… those treacherous teenage years, the drama, the hormone poisoning, the attitudes. I wish you luck.