Is it wrong of me to expect my husband to put his family first and cut time with his friends?

My husband and I have been together for 10 years and have two kids. I have never been 1 for drinking and partying post-marriage or go out of my way to have friends over. I’m content with my family. Is it wrong to expect the same from my husband? The friends he has do not have the life he has(they are single with no kids or have baby mammas and still in their parent’s homes and well over the age of 30). I have just had enough of it and need to know if I am overreacting. Sundays, Christmas eve, new years, etc., are days surely to be spent with family(not necessarily the household), but instead, my house is filled with my husband’s friends, or if we are with family, it’s like he can’t wait to get to friends. And when I mention this to him, he says he will tell his friends not to come anymore as I don’t want them there and that I want him to change his lifestyle. Almost put me on a guilt trip. Am I wrong to think of family first? Is the issue about the fact that he has not grown up yet? Please bear in mind his seven years older than I am.

50 Likes

There needs to be a balance between family time & * friend * time .

2 Likes

You want a broken house ??? I’m sure you won’t like the results. In today’s time be happy you have a husband and a House :houses::thinking::sunglasses:

11 Likes

Get some friends/interests of your own and you won’t mind him having some. It’s not healthy for your entire life to be consumed by just your immediate family.

25 Likes

You’ve been with him for ten years. You knew what you were signing up for. Why expect him to change now?
Count your blessings, it could be worse.

3 Likes

What did you agree to when you got married? Did you have any conversations surrounding expectations about this topic? Some people are closer to their friends than they are to their family, and even consider their friends family. There is nothing wrong or unhealthy about this.

There is also nothing wrong about being family oriented and wanting to keep to yourself and close family.

What is important is if you have had conversations surrounding this before and how expectations are being met or not met. What works for you may or may not work for someone else so only you can come up with your own solutions.

If you’ve never brought this up before and never established boundaries and expectations, and you want him to now stop hanging out with his friends, that isn’t fair.

4 Likes

Nope there has to be a balance and friends dont come before family or every weekend. Whats the point in saying you have a husband of hes always gone and no family time is prioritized. I mean for that you can do it alone. I chose to do it alone. For more reasons like also having to beg for shared bills. I signed up to take care of kids not a man who goes out every weekend some times during the week and you can’t contribute. Boy kick rocks.

4 Likes

Family should always come first but if he enjoys his time with his friends he should be allowed to have that as well. As long as its respectful of the family

2 Likes

If he is putting friends first, it won’t ever change. He will continue to put his friends first and guilt you any time you say anything. I hate to say it but you will either have to deal with being second to him or leave.

2 Likes

The way this is written, it seems like it is meant to indicate this is a typical thing. Every free moment you make it sound like he would rather be with them than even you or your kids. However, you have to stop and see if this is really the case or are you just annoyed because you want to be kid free too for a bit and you’re stuck at home while he has that freedom much longer than you. It isn’t healthy to be together 24/7. It sounds like you need to focus in a hobby of yours, you need a reason of your own to be out of the house once in a while. Work out a schedule with him and when his friends are over in your Home and he is staying put, he watches the kids with the friends there. But if this has been the norm since you have been with him, you aren’t going to change it…sorry.

He probably won’t change. Accept it or leave. Doing anything else will only make you miserable and resentful.

3 Likes

He’s cheating. Leave him.

3 Likes

10 years and you asking this??? Get a life by yourself, find friends or something that you can disconnect from the house and the marriage, I don’t think he is putting his family in second place considering that he is with them and his family together.

3 Likes

Men need friends. If hes gone all the time i can see an issue. But just bc u like sitting at home doesnt mean he should. Its sounds insecure and controlling. My husband works hard and doesn’t really spend a lot of time with his friends so when he wants to I say yes however we also have 4 kids so he doesn’t go out very often because it’s a lot to do for days on end by myself.

That gets old. He is a adult. He owes it to u to act like it. Common problem. U have to be adult enough for both of u so he can be a drunk child. When u get a gut full of it u will put a end to it. Collect 1 doller from every person that tells u that this should be ok. And u will be rich soon everyone has advise the question is. Are u done with the bull shit yet. Drinking will win every time. Ps better off alone

5 Likes

At least he has his friends at your house so you know what he’s doing! You can tell him that any mess they make is his responsibility to take care of. I eould think 1 or 2 nights a week would be enough friend time and the rest is dedicated to your family. But you need to have some lady friends you can hang out with. You can do that at your house or you could find a hobby you like and do that once a week and then you could have coffee and dessert one day with your girlfriends. Find some single gals to introduce to your hubby’s friends!!!

2 Likes

No offense. You sound like you need to get your own interests and friends outside of your marriage. You sound bored, lonely and maybe seem jealous of how he can allow himself to have friends he probably sees as family, Don’t Dis his “single friends” you might not even have any Idea what their day to day lives are like?

8 Likes

You each should have your own life here and there as well. You can’t let family consume all of you. You need to have friends as well. What happens when you are older and one of you passes. You have no one

4 Likes

I go to gym 2hrs a day to socialise with friends and have time away from my family and its good for me. I would expect my partner to be home for family birthdays and Christmas time, but other then that a bit of understating between each other goes a long way. Going out once and a while I dont see as a big deal. Not every weekend. Even though his friends sound like losers, just because you are anti social doesn’t mean he wants to be. I can’t stand being stuck in the house for more then a few days its bad for my mental health. I love catching up with friends when I can and having some time to myself.

Yes its wrong of you to expect or assume someone should be doing something they dont want to do. If he enjoys his friends and does not wish to put family first that is a personal choice. These things should of been discussed and agreed on before marriage and kids. If you’ve spoken about it and he prefers the lifestyle he has and you’re unhappy it is your choice to deal with it or move on

2 Likes

Some people don’t have family and their friends become their family, my hubby’s friends are always welcomed here especially on holidays if they have no where to go.

" u knew what u signed up for" ??? What?? You grow as a couple!
I’m Very content w. Just being around my family. My husband has all the friend’s but he balances out family time and friend time…he works his butt off for his family. He needs guy time every now and then.

Find someone who actually wants to be with YOU

5 Likes

I guess I would ask if this kinda thing was discussed BEFORE ya got married…(and if so, how did he feel about it??)
Because if it was, and he wasn’t planning on changing, that’s on you…can’t expect change outta someone not willing to🤷🏻‍♀️
Maybe he just likes to get outta the house once and awhile cuz everyone needs a break sometimes…ever discussed goin out together ever??

1 Like

I have definitely been through this and it continued to get worse. Cant have your cake and eat it too. I finally divorced this man and he regrets every bit of it. Too late.

1 Like

I think the issue is you need some friends of your own to go and have fun with. I think it’s unhealthy to not have some of your own time even if you have kids and are married or single whatever. You sound jealous of his relationship with his friends since you just called them down. It is wrong to expect anything from anyone husband or not. Demanding that he only spend time with you and the kids isn’t right but you should come to a meeting of the minds so you are both happy with the result but not wanting him to hang out with his friends ever is selfish. If it’s every day every weekend kind of think he is being selfish and needs to make time for family but having a healthy balance of family and friends is important as well.

2 Likes

So first question was he like this when you guys got together? 2nd is there a reason why you don’t want to mesh your life with his friends? I truly believe men are different than women, we as women can be content/happy with our husbands/significant other and children and not significant outside interaction whereas men don’t typically have the same feeling. They need outside interactions to decompress to feel like a kid again(even though they are grown with responsibilities). Sometimes we as women need to recognize that there desire to hang with “the boys” is their way of releasing their stressors in life. This is much healthier than gambling, fornicating with other women, bar hopping, etc. I recognized my husband needed this even though it frustrated me, I learned to express when it saddened me and to try to participate when appropriate. It’s give and take pick tour battles and adapt and overcome where you can.

He’s likely not on the same path as you and never will be. His actions and reactions are showing you loud and clear what he wants and who he is. Listen close to his actions. That’ll tell you more than his words ever will. He clearly wasn’t and isn’t ready to settle down. No, it’s not wrong of you. But at the same time you thinking you can change or force him to change also isn’t right.

2 Likes

10 years you all are together… Maybe get some friends too? Couples do need time to unwind away from one another. Just because your content doesn’t mean to force your life on him. He’s not cheating. He’s not hurting his family. Jeez… Time away is good for the marriage.

5 Likes

Sounds like he needs to grow up some. It would do him some good to try to surround himself with people that have the same lifestyle as him. Who you keep as friends will drastically effect your mindset. He’s acting like them bc they are his biggest inflience. If he cares about his family he will make better choices

2 Likes

I guess I’m with your husband. Sunday is sports days for me. Sure spend time with family, but that can be done on saturdays too. and new years eve has always been a night out. it sounds like you’re bored. get some friends of your own. get some hobbies of your own. find things to do that you enjoy doing. you can hang out with family, that doesn’t mean he needs to be there with you to do so. if he doesn’t enjoy it, he’s allowed to not want to be there. he’s your husband, not you. friends are a good thing to have. friends are people you choose to be around because of who they are and not because of who they were born to. single with no kids doesn’t make them ‘not adults’ or bad people. living with their parents over 30 doesn’t make them bad people. you judging them for it, makes you bad people.

6 Likes

He’s still immature and unlikely to change.

3 Likes

I would’ve said yes about him telling his friends that. It’s time for him to grow up. He knew what your answer would be as he was saying that. Call his bluff.

2 Likes

Would you tell your kids that they cant have/ be with friends because you prefer to just be with the family?

2 Likes

Yes it is wrong for you to expect the same from your husband. Never go into a relationship with expectations because they will never be met. Be grateful that he brings his friends home so he can have fun with his family and friends together. Maybe his friends are his family. Find some girlfriends and bring them home too. Go on play dates. Go get your nails done and go to the spa get a massage. Its okay to focus on yourself too. Him hanging with the guys is his fun time. Find yours :heart: talk to him about balancing his family and friends because its triggering you pretty bad. You have been together for 10 yrs. Theres a reason why you stayed that long right? Ask him for his opinion and how he feels about the situation but don’t judge him. Because at the end of the day he’s his own person too. Tell him how you feel without blaming him for everything. I know you guys can do it.

6 Likes

If it was me, I would ask him if he wants out. He clearly is unhappy being a husband & a father & is looking for “excitement” in his life. He seems to wish he was single. I would make that an easy option for him.

5 Likes

Did you ever ask him WHY? Start there.

It’s a bit harsh to say no more friends but maybe try every second weekend is family time plus special occasions. And alternating weekends are for you or him to see friends. Not just him!
It sounds like he needs to grow up and decide where his priorities are. His friends are in the same place as you guys but that doesn’t mean he acts like a bachelor.

1 Like

I’m shocked by the women saying he’s immature and other crap. Everyone is different. What is most shocking is that this couple made it 10 years together when they are clearly not very compatible. This is an issue that should’ve been worked out from the beginning, but I’m betting she didn’t want to rock the boat or scare him away, so she never even discussed with him in the beginning how she felt about him hanging out with his friends. Too little, too late now. My husband and I are both homebodies. We are each other’s best friend. When I was dating, I met lots of men who weren’t like me. Guess what… I didn’t keep them and moved on until I found the guy I was looking for. Women in general need to feel more secure in being single and waiting for the right person instead of jumping into relationships and accepting crap we aren’t compatible with just to have a man! My husband and I don’t go out with our friends. And that’s ok. It works for us as a couple. You need to find a partner that wants what you want and not be afraid to be single to find it. You shouldn’t expect your current husband to change. Love him as he is or leave him. He’ll be miserable if you push him away from his friends. He’ll resent you, then he’ll cheat or leave. Accept him or leave him.

He clearly doesn’t want the same things in life🤷‍♀️.

If he needs his friends as an outlet I’d be rethinking your relationship. My ex was like that. I did everything for and with the kids and he always had to be somewhere else. Explains why he’s my ex.

I see where you’re coming from. There’s no balance. Every little break he gets, it’s the friends. And when you spoke to him he got dramatic and said ‘oh i’m never seeing my friends again’ and threatened to make you the villain. I bet it pissed you off. And hurt.
My dear, this may not be the kind of situation that is resolved as an absolute in any one way. you need a compromise: a little of everything:
1)you having your own friends or social activities just for you once a month. Leave him and the children, whether he’s home alone, or even if his friends are there. Go on about your way.
2) one time for the month, try to hang with his friends when they’re there. Perhaps in the first 20 minutes of the visit, engage with them, try to hang. These are your husband’s people. See who they are and let them see you.
3) Plan activities for just you, your husband and your family. INSIST that he participate as the compromise for the other times he’s with his people. Start with just one. Make sure it’s fun/nice. Then tell him how glad you are that it happened and how you’d love to do other things.
We’re catching flies with honey. You can help your husband to adjust by negotiating for both sides and not just making him give up everything.

1 Like

Maybe try and come up with some sort of compromise, talk it out with him , let him know that family time is important but so is his friendships , maybe try and have say Christmas Eve together as family and new year with his friends or vice versa , but do try and socialize yourself a bit more , it will do u do xx

Things that happen and you allow as a girlfriend are definately things still gonna go on even when you become the person’s wife… In my opinion…:woman_shrugging::woman_shrugging::woman_shrugging:

Is he providing as a husband should? Does he show up as a father? Is he your partner in the decisions you make? Does he spend time with you or is it just that you don’t want him to hang with his friends? You’ve known this man a long time and if this is your only complaint the problem is you! His friends seem like HIS family so why wouldn’t he want to be with them on special occasions. His friends come to your house. He doesn’t ditch you, but you want him to ditch them… Make it make sense. You seem to have a good guy and you messing it up. You didn’t mention that his friends are a bad influence just that they live different lifestyles but it clearly hasn’t ‘rubbed’ off on him so why are you tripping. Dont be jealous the man is yours. Maybe if you stopped trying to fight it so hard you’d learn to enjoy his friends when they are around.

2 Likes

I always but my relationship first and we spent all the time together and I think that ruined my relationship so I think it insoent time with my friends now and then it would of worked out instead of been under each others feet all day every day maybe you should get ya self out with your friends more but both of you need to make time for family time too like family walks or movie nights

Guys put the most effort into what they really want .

1 Like

It’s all about balance… You will be happier with some friends and hobbies but he also needs to make you feel loved, appreciated and a priority.

Friends can be just as much family. Clearly he is close to his friends. Personally I think if you need to put rules on your spouse its abusive. If they are not what you want then move on and let them be happy.

1 Like

If you prefer Coke, would you expect him to give up Dr Pepper and drink Coke?

There is a balance. He should have family time but if he enjoys hanging out with his friends he should get time to do that as well.

40 Likes

I don’t see anything wrong with it. Especially if you don’t think he’s cheating. Just because you wanna be around everyone all the time doesn’t mean he has too. Perhaps you should find a hobbie.

6 Likes

I feel their should be a good balance . but if he is only choosing his friends then its time for a talk bc family time is just as important as him time and you time . i mean you should be getting some time to your self to if not you need to talk about all this bc we all need some us time and we all need family time to it needs to balance itself out.

6 Likes

He should be able to go a day IMO on Christmas or certain sundays with no friends over.

3 Likes

Family is extremely important, but so is having a life and identity outside of that family. He doesn’t have to think the same way as you just because you “expect” him to. We have our holidays with family, but we’re also going to start setting out an entire get together for the friends. This post comes off as you being controlling and a bit melodramatic.

There’s always those situations where the friends are just ALWAYS there. However, going out with friends or hanging out with friends shouldn’t have to stop just because you’re married.

5 Likes

Yes family should come first but he should also have friends come over and be able to hang out with them. Maybe your friends should come over to. My so and our friends come over on holidays and Sundays because we all like each other and we feel like a big family.

5 Likes

There needs to be a balance…family time, time to self, time with friends…how about a compromise ?

5 Likes

Some friends are just like family. Sounds a little over reacting to a point honestly. U cant expect him to do as you do. I love when my fiances friends come bcuz it makes him happy and i enjoy seeing him enjoy himself. Just remember he could always be stepping out on you instead of hanging with his friends.

8 Likes

You aren’t wrong. You aren’t being melodramatic OR controlling despite what some are seeming to say. You are the one watching how he behaves when they are around. You are the one living with his behaviors. Not us. We can only give advice based on what we are told. Obviously it sounds like when his friends are over you don’t feel like it is family oriented. You feel like there is a lot of drinking and carrying on and when you mix alcohol it changes people’s behavior then and the day after. Obviously it’s upsetting to you so people need to chill out and actually read your post to understand not fly off the handle.

7 Likes

I’m having trouble relating because I am my husband’s best friend.

But imo, you both need to sit down and balance your time together and figure out a comprise that you both are happy with. Good luck

3 Likes

Sounds like you both need to compromise. But he shouldn’t be forced to give up his friends just because you don’t have friends you want to hangout with. I don’t believe holidays and Sundays should be strictly family time. My husband, kids and I go to a friend’s house on holidays and celebrate with them. And I don’t see why every Sunday has to be strictly family.

7 Likes

Sounds like he never grew up since he is putting friends before family … I don’t think your overreacting

7 Likes

It sounds like you dont just want him to put family first but want family to be his only.
That is absolutely not ok.
My advice is to stop being so controlling.

6 Likes

Everyone deserves an outlet within reason…including YOU. You have to find thr happy balance.

I’m not one for company. I just don’t like it. So I’d personally avoid partners who like company. That being said if he’s prioritizing his friends over his family then that’s an issue. However if he’s spending time with family and prioritizing family then there’s nothing wrong with him hanging out with his friends sometimes. However he shouldn’t be guilt tripping you for addressing concerns. That’s gaslighting and it’s not ok

2 Likes

It’s is healthy to have friends. However I don’t enjoy having a bunch of people always around. Family should be the first priority. Holidays are definitely for family, and he should spend his majority of his time with his family . Honestly I hangout probably once or twice a month with friends, he does this even less.lol. It is important to me that we do things together, and I want effort into the family. Everyone is different, so it makes it hard to say what exactly should be expected. I don’t drink or party, so I would probably be mad if he was going out alot, or bringing it to our home.I would sit down and talk about it, compromise on both ends is key.

Depends to what extent he is going out.
If its a daily occurrence then maybe dial it back. But if its only once or twice a week I’d think he deserves that. Its a good thing that he has good friends. He will resent you if you try and restrict his time with his friends.

2 Likes

I think your over reacting

family first time to grow up

5 Likes

Family is important but there needs to be a balance. Just because their lifestyle is different doesn’t mean they’re wrong or you’re better than them. He is able to have friends outside of you and time with his friends. And you should also it’s perfectly healthy

He should be able to hang out with his friends time to time but it shouldn’t be all the time. Once you have a family and kids things change and you need to change with them. He needs to change his lifestyle cause he isn’t a single guy with no responsibilities anymore.

Part of life is growing and changing. There comes a point where a person puts away childish things (like big outings with friends all the time and drinking) and steps into adulthood.

3 Likes

Why don’t you make Saturdays a day for friends and Sunday family day? Christmas Eve and Christmas yes but New Years, Labor Day, the Fourth of July? Those are all party holidays :woman_shrugging:t2:

2 Likes

It honestly sounds like you just want him to have ONLY his family and that is NOT okay :woman_shrugging:

My husband has a ton of friends. Oh my god. So many lol I have 1. However, just because I prefer to not socialize and be outgoing is on ME. I will NEVER tell him to sacrifice his friends just because I personally prefer being antisocial. It’s not your house only. It’s his too.

I HATE when women expect their partner to be exactly like them. I’m a introvert. My husband is not. It’s okay to be different. He prefers having a butt ton of friends. I don’t. Honestly, I like seeing him happy with his friends.

6 Likes

Family definitely should come first. However, it is healthy for u both to have friendships and spend time with friends outside of family time. Considering u have children maybe compromising on friend time for e.g. instead of every Sunday, say 1 Sunday a month. Then u get 1 Sunday a month to do what u want, then the other 2 u could have family days?
The holidays like Xmas eve and nye I definitely think it depends on individual families. Maybe organise a nye party with all your family plus friends altogether, then u get the best of both worlds. Xmas eve with kids should def be family…

Family should always be priority one but with that being said, my bf has friends that are family. They call themselves “squad” :woman_facepalming: I was luckily enough to join that squad family. At times it can be frustrating but you have to compromise. Have you tried talking to him about maybe every other Sunday being just household family day? It sounds like you make him feel like he can’t hang out with friends, even if that’s not your intention. He does need to understand your feelings and strongly take them into consideration.

Balance and compromise. You cant expect him to cut friends cause he has a family. But he needs to find a proper balance. And constantly houding him won’t help. You guys need to sit and talk. Sounds like this has how its always been. Is there a reason you still chose to make a family with a social butterfly? It took my hubs some time to find balance. But i support his friendships cause they are important to him. He works 3+ jobs and I stay home with our 2-4kids. He deserves time with his friends. He also isnt with friends every night. But also if i say i want time with him that night instead he will always stay home. Some times they are at our house, sometimes they are all at the other friends house. We communicate. He will say he wants to go to so n sos house this week is that ok? Is there a day youd prefer me to go? But dont lie and say its ok if u want that time instead. They arent mind readers.

1 Like

I’m in your exact situation. I’m “engaged” and he’s constantly either OUT with his friends or on the phone all day long phone call after phone call. So the friends come first, then the phone, then his family (parents and siblings) and his son (family and child I’m completely ok with obviously of being put before me). Then my children and then me. Yet has issues with me hanging out with my friends alone. We share a lot of mutual friends some even married to one another however whenever me and my girlfriends go out alone he’s constantly ringing down my phone.

I’m literally at my wits end right now ironically we just had a huge fight and I gave my ring back and told him to get out (over something not related to the friends situation) but it has come from this time last year of constant disrespect.

If this is the only thing you’re having issues over I would strongly suggest trying to come to a mutual agreement like maybe make a schedule of certain nights the friends can come over or rotate weeks between all the friends at all their homes so their not constantly in your homes?

If this is a nightly occurrence then yes you have every right to be upset but I think a couple nights a week is ok. Maybe one night during the week and one night (Friday or Saturday) on weekends so you still get time with him as well.

Family isn’t always blood. Maybe have an actual conversation that doesn’t come off as in you being demanding or controlling and tell him although you respect the time he wants/needs to spend with his friend you’d like to have a few days a month with just you snd your kids and him. We have very close friends who are family to us. We have lost 3 who meant a lot to us and our kids and lemme tell you, when that happens you’ll never again complain about the time spent with those friends.

3 Likes

I dont think there’s anything wrong with you wanting him to put his family first but the holidays are a time for family and friends. And if he works during the week then his friends coming over on the weekends sounds about right. At least he’s at the house with you and has his friends coming to your house. He could be out running around with them all day and not being home. Maybe try compromising and having his friends over every other weekend. Just because he has a family doesn’t mean he isn’t a person.

1 Like

It’s normal to feel the way you do.Once you start your family and being married,family should come first.He had all the time to party in his 20th with friends.Once you settled down you should be for your family.I get your point.When you are married with kids you are so busy with day to day life etc. Working,kids have school so when you have the special days you would want to spend your time on things that’s important like family time…maybe send kids to grandparents and spend quality time as husband and wife…not with friends.As a wife myself you appreciate Quality with hubby with kids around you don’t have quality time.Talk to hubby make him understand how you feel and what your reasons are to what you are feeling.If they where good friends they would consider his family needs his time to.

There’s family time there’s friend time

If it’s all the time then, I would ask to cut it back, but him wanting to spend time with friends isn’t a bad thing just because you’re a homebody. I dont really see my friends, but my bf sees his. Hes more social, and needs a break I prefer to be home with my kids or visiting with family. And having his friends over isn’t a big deal but they aren’t over every day/night. You gotta remember that sometimes people need a social life with people other then family around. Try to make friends with them or their wives. It might make it easier for you.

2 Likes

Family’s okay grow up. Stop banging, you have kids to help raise

Id be like yes thank you do that I appreciate it. And id grab my keys and go for a rid3

Meh :woman_shrugging:t3: If my husband doesn’t have friends over my kids do :rofl: I love being the hang out house. People of all ages come to chill here. I’d much rather people be here than my kids or hubby going out. I don’t have to entertain them so I get to catch up on my shows in peace :raised_hands:

3 Likes

Not sure how often it is . I wouldn’t mind having friends over. Would rather have him out and about? Bars?

You are not wrong to ask for family first but you are not asking for family first. You are asking for family only since you don’t have/want friends. He has friends and wants to spend time with them too but you are asking him to only spend time with family since that’s all you want to do. There needs to be a balance. If Sunday’s are friends then that means the other 6 nights are family? Christmas Eve friends but Christmas family? Seems more than reasonable to me.

5 Likes

Just because you choose not to have or want a social life doesn’t mean you should expect the same from him. Having a family doesn’t mean you have to give up everything/everyone you like or love.

9 Likes

Balance and at least he’s hanging out at the house where you can keep an eye. :smirk:

5 Likes

Everyone is different. I come from a home where you didn’t have lots of random people ( friends) over. I don’t think that’s normal and I don’t like it now as an adult. I think there is a time and a place once in awhile . However I know people who can’t get by without tons of people around. You are going to find a compromise where he’s not feeling he’s giving up a lot or you are and both are uncomfortable. Talk it out. Good luck.

Gotta find a balance of the two, I don’t have family I see so my friends I do hangout with are my chosen family who I love just as much even in some cases more than blood, if I had a spouse that told me I couldn’t have friends over for holidays that are meant to be shared with all loved ones than, they aren’t the one for me luckily I have partners that are super understanding an know how important my friends are to me an support it, an I always support my partners having friends over whenever, hell I suggested twice a month having poker night for my ex an his friends an told him I’d make all the snacks an mix the drinks an then go watch netflix so he could have his friend time. People need people outside of relationships.

You’re not wrong to think of family first. But he’s not wrong just because his priorities are different than yours. And he’s not incorrect in saying you are trying to change him. My guess would be he has always been this way. Either you’ve always had a problem with it, or you developed a problem with it when you changed yourself. Either way, expecting him to change his priorities because you think you’re more right than him is not fair to him.

2 Likes

This is why you don’t ignore red flags. People show you if they are ready for family and marriage way. You probably thought he’d change. He won’t and you’re going to be the problem.

6 Likes

its healthy to have friends…my husband and i each plan a night with our respective friends…it gives us time away from each other, and from the kids…to have adult time with others…he has single friends, just like i do…we’ve been together long enough, that it doesnt bother us what each of us does while we are out.

1 Like

I have had the same 3 best friends for 34 years. They come and go as they please. My husband doesnt mind. He also has friends that just pop in. We are a big family. Our kids love them and they treat our kids like their own. I would be devastated if all that changed.

2 Likes

You been together 10 years? This is something you address within the first years together. Learn each others likes and dislikes first before you decide to commit. Spice things up a little, have some fun.

Of course you’re not wrong. You’re expecting him to be responsible. He wants you to have all the responsibility. The guilt trips he’s putting on you is emotional abuse. "act like you’re ok with bearing all the responsibility & dealing with my friends or I’ll make you feel had about yourself.

2 Likes

All parents need time to be them self’s and be away for there kids and spouse for mental health

He shouldn’t be going out all the time and his family should be a priority, but he should absolutely not give up his friends. Also if he was like this before you got married asking him to change after your married is wrong. When we say I DO we’re saying it the person they are, not the person you want to change him into.

2 Likes

I’m on the other end… my husband just wants family… gets so mad when I even suggest going to a friend’s house or anything… unless it’s when he’s at work (I’m a stay at home mom) … we’ve been together for 13 years… I’m about to walk out because of it… I really tried just family for a very long time, you know what it did? Made me extremely depressed… I’m a social person, I love to talk to people, I just can’t do the hermit lifestyle! It’s not that I don’t love my husband, because I truly do, it’s because he won’t let me be myself :frowning: I’ve even tried compromising, i.e. no one over just me going somewhere… I’ve tried to include him, I’ve tried everything! And I’m not saying every night either, I just asked for 1 or 2 nights a month! Talk it out with him… come to an understanding! Let him have one or 2 nights a week to hang out, some of us need the extra stimulation for our sanity

4 Likes