Is it wrong that I want to spend time without my stepson?

Ok, so here it goes. I wish to remain anonymous in this please. I am stuck and don’t know where to go from here. My husband and I have been married for two years, we got married in 2020. He had two sons from a previous marriage. One of the sons lives with us, along with my mother in law. I knew all of this prior to saying I do. I guess I was love struck and didn’t think they would both be living here after we were married, because I had this discussion before we got married so he couldn’t say I was complaining about it after. Anywho, fast forward to now. My step son who lives with us had a great job and was planning on moving out, he lost that job and now in my opinion reverted back to a childlike human. When my husband gets home my step son beats me outside to greet him before I can. He wants to eat dinner at 530 or 6 and that’s not enough time for me to get home get changed and feed the animals before he is ready to eat supper. After this I do the dishes and my stepson wants to watch tv shows with both of us before we go to bed. I get that he wants to spend time with his dad and I and I appreciate that, but it’s never any time for my husband and I to spend anytime together without him. When we plan a date night my step son makes it obvious that he is not happy, he stares at me awkwardly as if looks could kill. I have tried to talk to my husband many times about this and the response I get is, he can either be a bad dad or a bad husband. I don’t get it he doesn’t see it. Am I wrong in just wanting to be able to do normal chores around the house after work and spend time with my husband vs eating early and watching tv shows to appease my step son? My husband wanted us to have our belated honeymoon in December but when my step son found out we may be gone for a week he yet again makes it known he wasn’t happy about it. He is 23 years old and I don’t understand all of this. Am I wrong for wanting to spend time with just my husband? We have to go out of town just to have alone time. I love my husband so very much and am trying so hard to be happy but I am completely miserable. What should I do? I want to leave but I don’t want to leave my Husband.


A 23 year old is grown, he needs to move out and get his own life.


Definitely not. That’s normal behavior for a young child but not a grown adult. I would talk to your husband and if nothing changes I would leave.


Does the son have a physical or mental disability?


Step son needs to get a job and get out. Dad needs to stop enabling!


Put your foot down. He needs to find that balance. Once married you are a team, that is your home too! 23 or not he is still the “child” and shouldn’t be babied. Even if he has a disability which i feel it would have been mentioned, he still shouldnt run the household making u miserable in your own home. Balance is key. Let your husband know its really bothering you and u want to move out if this continues. Yes we love putting our kids first but dude is an adult and needs to find time for himself.


I was going to say YTA before you mentioned he’s 23!!! What the heck?! Time for a heart to heart with both of them. Family meeting time, momma is done with this game now. Does he spend time with his bio mom?


Don’t cook that early, if. He want to eat that early he can cook.


You sure he’s 23 and not 3. Tell him to go get his own life together.


I thought you were talking about a child before I read his age. Does he have a disability? I feel like some important info may be missing. If he has no disability give him some tough love and tell him he needs to be working and saving for a place. If he has a disability, have someone stay with him and start planning date nights or days. You could even do date nights at home if necessary.


His 23 doesn’t he have a life of his own. If he doesn’t have a disability he should have a job to keep him busy. Give him some house chores too. He knows exactly what his doing tryin to ruin ur relationship.


He’s 20 f’ing 3!!??? What? No!! Sounds like both men are nuts!!! 23 demanding to chill with his dad is a bit odd. Of course he deserves time but this is weird!!! Also weird that he’s not working! Also weird that at 23, your hubby would think that not catering to his son’s every whim is bad parenting. Lady, you have big issues. If talking isn’t helping. I just don’t know if there’s a marriage to save. This is ODD! BEST WISHES


Seems like you may need to sit down with your husband and your step son and hash all these feelings out. Maybe over their favorite foods for dinner so they can see you care about them both. Deep down all anybody wants is to be loved. As long as you are coming from a loving place, they should both listen to you.


You need to put your foot down and stand your ground. You need to inform your stepson that he is 23 years old and that if he would like to eat dinner at 5/6 then he should make himself dinner. Treat him like the adult he is. You should also remind your husband that his son is not a child but a 23-year-old young man who does not need coddled or catered to by you or his parents anymore. The stepson is grown and you should treat him as such. If you don’t want to make dinner at 5/6 everyday STOP and if stepson doesn’t like it he can make his own dinner and if hubby has a problem with that( or anything else you do that treats his son as the grown adult) then he should make his own dinner too. You’re going to have to put your foot down, stand your ground. we’re not talking about a small child we’re talking about a grown adult. Every time he whines about something I’d start my own list of things to whine about like when he’s moving out etc etc etc. And Id tell your husband he better learn to multitask because he should be able to do both as in being a good husband and a good father and if he can’t you need to reconsider the entire relationship :100:.


That’s extremely odd. They both sound lazy and immature.


He 23 and doesn’t have a job, why the hell are you and your husband catering to him? He is the guest in the house so to speak so he should be making himself useful around the house. He can take care of the animals so your not rushing around when you get home from work. He wants dinner early? He can cook it then. Stop enabling a grown ass man to be incompetent. If your husband is not backing you up, it’s time for you to go. Maybe that will give him a wake up call, if not at least it will save you the time wasted being in such disfunction.

I’m sorry, but if he is 23 and still living with you guys then that makes your husband a bad dad period. It is not your responsibility to care for 2 grown ass man. Ifcourse your going to feel miserable. Look, I get being down on your luck and having to move back home. But if he’s an adult and living at home, he needs to be able to contribute some form of payment for rent snd food. If not, then your husband failed at guiding his son to be a strong independent adult MAN! We raise our kids to be able to go out in the world to take care of themself without us. Not to move back into our home after 23 and act like a child throwing away all adult responsibilities. Nope, he has to go. Your husband need to understand its his job with his ex to raise get that adult kid of his back out there. As in do his job as a Father finally! Stop babying him. Stop failing him!

Personally- I would sit down with my husband. Do you plan on having your grown son live here all his life? What responsibilities are you teaching him to be as a man when he does nothing here. Your discuss not wanting to be a bad dad but part of being a dad is cracking down. He should be helping around here and able to fend for himself while we spend a little time together.


I would have him cook meals twice a week and do chores grown or not it’s a family unit he can do his part to …you say he laid off so he can step up and help out also


I went through something like this before. He wasn’t 23 but I understood the frustration of having NO privacy & at that age, having balance and his own life was important. I feel for you I do. You need to talk to the hubby and the adult living in your house. Rules need to be made. Good luck mama

Husband sounds lazy. He can be a good father and husband, but he’s choosing to only be one of them. And it’s not a good husband. That’s your answer right there.
Good luck.
Also, people should read before commenting. He doesn’t have any mental disability. She said he had a good job, was about to move out, but then lost his job and has reverted to a child like state. Dude needs a kick in the butt, some tough love and to build himself back up to where he can be a functioning adult. Maybe even see a doctor for depression too. Depression can be crippling.


Is thus boy mentally challenged in any way. That could be a problem. Husband needs a wakeup call. You matter too. He really can be a goid husband and father I f he puts effort into the marriage.


Omg that adult child needs to go. That husband of yours is being a bad dad not encouraging his child to grow up and start his life. He can be a great dad by spending time with him at his own place.


Okay at first I judged. Then as I started reading…no this doesn’t make you wrong.

Could have started with the fact he is 23
He needs to get another job and move out. It’s a load of :poop: that your husband has not put his foot down to the boy.


If dad and son have enjoyed each other’s company for 21 years prior to your arrival on the scene, you may just be out of luck. If they talk about common interests and you feel neglected, that might be your problem. Nothing good will come of you trying to come between a parent and their child.
Some of the other things you’re saying don’t seem on the up and up either…like for real; complaining about what time he wants to eat. So what? If you’re cooking, cook when you’re good and ready. And maybe stop reading so much into “the looks he gives you”, it kind of feels like you are projecting your behavior on to him.
I find it interesting that there are so many people responding that are in the same situation. Apparently, dads & sons bond, just like moms & daughters…:woman_shrugging:


I have a son this age. We’re close but not dependent on each other like that. I can’t imagine. Is it possible that your stepson has some type of disorder which makes him emotionally dependent on your husband? That could explain why he can’t keep a job also. Talk to your MIL. She may have some insight. She’s known him & your husband the longest.

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Maybe he has anxiety , social anxiety , fear of abandoment. He might not even realized the " diagnosis" or the names of his feelings.
Its possible he never had anxiety , depression etc before…sometimes its just comes out if the blue…since he lost a good job and was suppose to get his own place.He prob doesnt feel too good about himself. Maybe dad is his " security blanket"…and before people judge…he 23 , time not grow up etc…23 is still kinda young and he doesnt have all the life expirenece if being on his own. There are people in their 30’s and 40’s…Who hold onto people as " secruity blankets".
Try talking to your stepson…see whats going on

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No, it’s not… steps on or not you need to CTFO because it’s a relationship between you and his dad matter fact, he needs to man up find a job so he can get out the house  and give y’all some privacy. Go ahead and take that belated honeymoon and don’t even bother with a son who cares if he don’t like it. Tough cookie. 

Sounds like the son separately & the family as a whole could benefit from counseling. Maybe son would benefit from a life coach also. Does son not have any friends or hobbies? Why is he glomming onto you two? Why isn’t he looking for a new job? Where is his bio mom?

Is stepson is 23, and currently unemployed, HE should be the one doing chores around the house. The bottom line is that your stepson is jealous and wants his dad all to himself. They had a perfect set up before you came onto the scene.

I do understand assuming that stepson would have moved out following the marriage, but if your MIL was living with your husband when you married, what made you think that she would be moving out?

Also, both your husband and son need to learn about healthy boundaries. Allowing his adult son to dictate whether you celebrate a belated honeymoon for a week is NOT healthy. Get all of you into family counseling. Adults living together can be hard. Having 3 generations together can be even harder. You need a professional to help you all work it out.


There is quite a lot of Information missing to help in this or to even give advice.

If you have expressed to your husband already before you said I do and after words, with him saying “I’m either a bad parent or bad husband ( from what you wrote you got your answer here). And nothing has changed then nothing is going to changed and you are not going to change the situation… You need to decide if you can live like this or not.

Me…my kids come first no matter what age they are if my spouse/partner don’t like it then they can move on. Yes we are a Team as well but I will always chose my children before love.


I’m in the EXACT same position,stepson is 23 lives with us and had to be involved in everything my husband and I do,including asking what we are having for dinner,what we are doing on our days off so he can go with,I’ve about hit my last nerve with it

At 23 years old if your stepson wants to rule the roost it’s time for a roost of his own , absolutely go on date nights and week/ weekends away he doesn’t need a babysitter he is a grown man ! He is not a child he sounds like a spoilt brat! And if his Dad has let him get away with this behaviour like a child he will see no wrong in it and continue with it.

Um why haven’t you told your step son to find a job? It might make you the bad guy, but if he is 23, he is an adult and needs to act like one.

I feel this post. I love my step son. I do. But my husband and I never get time to ourselves unless he is at work or we plainly tell him he can’t go. We usually take him, but sometimes we need us time.

Ever try asking the 23 yr old whats up? Maybe he doesn’t have friends n stuff and you can introduce him to some people

My stepson is 30 has enough money to move out but still lives at home :woman_facepalming:t2:

Maybe he needs more responsibility around the house . Of he wants to eat early then he can cook while you deal with animals or he deals with then while you cook . Or maybe mKe weekend a make your own dinner and then you two can either eat together or for out

Tell the stepson to get off his ass and help cook dinner if he wants to eat early. Also tell him to feed the animals and help with the dishes. Then him to get a job and make him pay rent.

I lived w my mom and stepdad at that age and older (oops). They had date nights and did plenty without me. I had a full-time job, did chores and paid some rent.

Wow… You got your hands full right there, that is ridiculous, you do not have to appease to your ADULT step son and should be able to have time with your husband. The son is not your husband, you do not need to have dinner on the table for him every night. Yes I would treat step children as my own, but there are limits to certain things even with your own children and this is ridiculous. I tried my best with my step children and the youngest treated me like crap and my daughter like crap, even she became an adult and kept doing it I told my husband she is still welcome in my home, I won’t get in the way of your relationship with your daughter, but if she comes over, let me know and I will not be home during that time. I told her I didn’t have to put up with her crap anymore as she was an adult she there are consequences for your actions. The stuff she did and said was pretty terrible.

You all need to sit down and talk as a family. Everyone speaks their part. The son has to be told his actions aren’t appropriate, by his father preferably. He is an adult and will get over it or move out. Simple as that. Communicating within a family is key.

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Holy shit. 23 years old and acting like a 5 year old?

Put him out. So ridiculous.

He runs out to greet ur husband after work first n obviously does not like to be alone … in my opinion theres something going on with that boy that ur not aware of. Sorta seems to be afraid of something. Its just not normal behavior for a 23 year old

Is he mentally challenged? If not, I would leave your husband. I wouldn’t have a kid that old in the house making demands lol. At first I thought you were being unreasonable, then I read that he’s 23 years old. What a mess lol

The Bible says your spouse comes first for a reason.

Your step son is a fully grown man. Why is he behaving like a 6 yr old? Why are you making his dinner at all? Let alone to his timings ?

He’s a man, treat him like one.

As for your husband, I want date nights away from our own children so there’s nothing wrong to expect dates nights ever. Otherwise did he just marry you to be a house keeper and mother to grown ass men?

Oh HAYLE no! They move out or I would be gone!!!

23, kick his ass out, quit catering to him, he eats when you have dinner ready or he dont…do what you want when you get home, fix him a bologna sandwich at 5:30. Your husband is already.being a bad dad and a bad husband… SEND THE WHINY ASS TO HIS MAMA…does he have special needs, it sounds like it…

I think you need to have a talk with your step son and lay down the law. Nothing wrong with what you want. You need husband time and he needs daddy time and it’s a balance at all ages.

At the end of the day he’s a grown man and can function without an adult around. If he wants dinner early he can cook it. He can help with the chores 2. Especially if he isn’t paying any rent and make it easier on you.

I love my parents but I also needed my space when I lived with them and it’s common courtesy once we get older and don’t need them. I have my time with you guys and you have yours to do as you wish.

I would maybe start planning date nights out of the house as well and just put them on your husband’s Calendar and not tell your step son till the last minute 2 bad reservations were made.


That’s insane , where are his friends ?


Husband needs to cut umbilical cord…23 and demanding to you…HAHAHA…NOT…Son is of age and needs to grow up…he’s disrespecting you and hubby allowing it…

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Kick his annoying ass out , 23 oh mate f**k that

Ummmm it’s weird to me that 23 year old wants to be around you both so much…….something is off dad seems to be enabling to act like a child which is not good

Ummm no. He need to get out. Your husband need to grow some balls and put his son in his place. I would go out with my friends and let him stay home with his son. And no for step son

Why isn’t the 23 yr old dating

You married the dad, not the son. If the dad won’t evict the son it is time to leave, and get a good attorney!!!

First off the son sounds lazy. My 23 yr old daughter lives with me but I’m single and she does all the cooking and other things and she pays utilities and groceries while I pay rent and other things. I’d speak to your husband.!it won’t get any better unless you put your foot down. Both of them need to get off their butts and help you. Especially that adult son. No way I’d deal with a demand adult son who does nothing to contribute and treats you like garbage.

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I think his bio mom is involved in this


23, He needs to be out on his own.

It’s not healthy for anyone.

Let your husband know it’s not about being a good dad or a good husband is about being a good man and finding balance.

If he really wants to be a good dad, he needs to encourage (make) his son accept adulthood and leave the nest.

Some things require tough love.

Sounds like your house is too big, time to move

If his son is not disabled physically or mentally then I would put my foot down and tell him that either you two get to go out and take breaks as need or his son move out or you leave. One of the three need to happen I would say. If son is disabled, then you need to find a way to compromise but keep boundaries or leave

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Omg he’s too old to act like that 23? Your husband needs to guide him into becoming a man. I wouldn’t be ok with it either. I get it if he was younger than 18 years old but your husband needs to do something about it

OMG :flushed: at first I thought you were talking about a stepson of like a child’s age, not a full grown adulty adult. First of all, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Secondly, I have no idea what to suggest you to do but I have to agree, I’d be upset too.

Son is an adult Is there a mental issue? You and husband need to talk? This is not a normal relationship

You need alone time together for date nights and the step son is grown so he needs to get Over it and your husband needs to tell him that

He has to cook if he stays for free but its better he gets a job. Speak to your husband. Take him someplave without stepson and talk. Put your foot down

Time for 23 year old to fly the nest