Is my child's father serious?

I have 2 kids both with different dad's. My son is 8 months. His father and myself are not together not have we ever dated... It was a friends with benefits situation. But since I told him about our son. He has brought up us getting married. Every time he comes to visit, he lives a bit away from us. Anyway, I can not tell if he's serious or not. It's really starting to bug me. Little more back story I was in an abusive marriage (physically and emotionally) and just divorced before meeting him, so I have anxiety about serious relationships. He is not a bad guy and treats my daughter as his own as well. Back to situation, he brings up us getting married all the time. In front of his mom, talking about giving me his family ring. His mom says he means what he's saying and they talk about it all the time. But he never text or calls me anymore, he doesn't call until he shows up to see our son. Which is about every two weeks. We don't exist until I updated him and send him pictures of our son. I'm so confused and I don't have anyone to talk about this with. How do I go about seeing if he's serious? What would you do in my situation mamas?
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I would ask him. I would say “you bring marriage up a lot but yet we only talk when it comes to (your sons name).” And go from there.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Is my child's father serious?

That’s cute but there is red flags.

Ask him why he doesn’t communicate all those days in between. That’s the odd part!

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Talk to him tell him what you want in a relationship. Talk about what he wants in a relationship. Above all though DO NOT get married unless you both are in love with each other and there’s no doubts you want to get married. Do not settle. A child isn’t a good enough reason to get married.

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Oh wow… hold off. If he can go 2 weeks without any communication… then he’s not ready or maybe it’s something you don’t want. Find a guy to marry who would worship and die for you. We only live once.

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Does he know he will have to talk to you every day if you marry him?

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At what point do people start taking the saying “actions speak louder than words” seriously?!

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Date each other for a few years before you marry however I think he’s just doing it more for show to his family. When he brings it up say we would have to date for awhile and see how it goes. Also tell him he would have to communicate with you more. Do you even want to be with him??? Don’t marry just because you have his child.

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Based on what I read, it sounds as though he’s been putting in effort to try and be serious with you but you haven’t. Therefore he will communicate with you on the level you have shown him. Which to me seems to be only when it pertains to his child. Start texting him maybe for the next 2/3 months and see if things change. Expressing and communicating with him will also be beneficial, it goes both ways.

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Idk maybe because you don’t ever really respond when he has said it he figures you aren’t interested so he doesn’t bother you. Honestly if you really want to know sit him down and have a serious talk on if he means what he says and so on.

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I honestly don’t think he means it, he’s probably saying all of that so he can look good and not pay child support…. Don’t put up with any of that, just say you are not ready for any of that especially marriage, if he gets angry you’ll know he is not right!! Just keep in mind people will always play the good person in front of everyone else until closed doors you see the true colours come out to play…

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I would talk to him about it next time he’s there. Let him know if he’s serious that you want to see that not just be told that. If you want more communication then tel him. If you’re not ready then you’re not ready.

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You do have somebody to talk to about it. HIM!

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Give him credit for even sticking around and seeing his son…

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RUN or keep things as is. He doesn’t contact you until he’s ready to see the baby. No he isn’t. He only wants marriage so he doesn’t have to pay child support or deal with the courts.

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Next time he brings it up, suggest to him you give dating a try first. Then you can go from there. But if he is not communicating with you inbetween visits I wouldn’t hold my breath and I really wouldn’t agree to marriage anytime in the near future.

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Sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies and wants to SEEM like a good guy without actually being the good guy. Nowhere in here did you say how YOU feel about him though. Which makes me think you’re kind of indifferent to him specifically. And you’re hesitant about anyone bc of your history. So don’t jump into a damn thing. If you like him, actually date and see if it leads anywhere. If it doesn’t, keep everything how it is now.

I wonder if his family gives him a hard time about not being married to his child’s mother, or something, so he’s saying those things in front of his mom and about the family ring because she keeps pressuring him about it? He could also feel that you don’t reciprocate his feelings, if they are real, and maybe doesn’t know you’re interested (if you are?). I think if it is something that you want, you should communicate that and see how he responds and if the behavior changes, but if you don’t want to be with him, just leave things as they are and ask him to stop saying those things around his family because it makes you uncomfortable. Does he talk this way when you’re alone? Because I think that says a lot, if he doesn’t.

The only way you’re going to find out is by dating him and talking to him through time.

There’s two red flags here, the fact that you had bad experiences in your previous marriage and had sex with someone you weren’t interested in dating him the second is he doesn’t act serious about a relationship with you. Is he listed on your son’s birth certificate as his father and does he contribute financially to your son?

How do YOU feel about him. Is he someone YOU would want to marry?

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Maybe he has given up

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Maybe try dating for a year

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Just take it SLOOOWW and go from there . One step at a time no need to rush anything just focus mainly on being parents . See how YOU feel cuz that’s what matters the most

Communication is key, just talk to him. You’re asking us how about asking him. If you can’t or won’t talk to him now, how are things ever going to work

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Talk about dating and child support. Feel him out. You certainly don’t need to jump into another relationship so fast.

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Tell him if he is serious that he needs to date you first, a real date not just hooking up

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My opinion is that he feels a sense of responsibility and somehow has the idea that marriage is the way 🤷 definitely bring your thoughts and feelings to his attention though.

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Set a boundary and say if he mentions it again, the conversation/visit is over. And then follow through and continue to follow through. He doesn’t sound like a man with good intentions if his actions conflict with his words. You’re better off shutting it down.

Sit him down and sort thru it. Doesn’t sound like a very good idea to date him tho

Sit down and have a serious conversation with him. Ask him to sit down and have a talk. Ask him if he’s happy the way things are, if he wants more, if he wants less etc. Then tell him straight out what you want or don’t want

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Just ask. Definitely communication. Why does he think marriage? Take it slow and get to know one another. Maybe go on a few dates and text a bit

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To me it sounds like he is serious but still is giving you space to figure out what you want. You can always tell him you are not ready for marriage but if you are wtlling to try a committed relationship tell him.

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Talk to him. And start slow. Start dating first. And go from there.

My opinion here but hes not acting like a man who wants to seriously get married. If he was he would be doing his darndest to show you affection and get your attention in between those 2 weeks he is away. To me, that’s the key here. He dont even try unless hes actually there. So what about these 2 week intervals. A “Good morning beautiful” texts , “Just thinking about you today” or “just wanted to tell you goodnight” text messages. A call in the evening and ask how your day was. All that goes a long way. I’m not going to take a man serious that doesn’t talk to me for 2 weeks then shows up. And yea sure you can do these gestures too however, I’m not going to be the one to initiate this with him when hes the one saying one thing and doing another. So what I’m saying here I guess is you need to consider his actions when he is with you and away from you. And then you need to sit him down and talk to him and ask him. If he is serious why is he not showing it when hes not around. Communicate with him. Make him discuss this stuff with you. And if he says he is serious, tell him you want to take it slow, get to know each other, date a little bit. Make sure you love him. You’ve been through an abusive relationship. That’s hard to come back from. I’ve been there. But you sure don’t want to jump into this with any uncertainties. And I agree with what someone else said. He could be getting pressure from his family. Just Communicate. It’s the key.
Again this is just my opinion but I wish you the best . Think about those babies first and foremost. What’s best for them and for you.

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Talk to him. Tell him your confused. If you get along and can communicate sit down and talk to him. Tell him how you feel and you need to know what he’s thinking. Communication is a key to a good relationship. Don’t run around the bush. Just come out and ask. It can’t go on forever. You’ll never know anything otherwise even if he gives up and moved on. I don’t see that happening if he still talks about it and his Mom is also involved. God bless. Pray about it.

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Take things slow and get to know the real him. Ask him to take you on real dates. I would do this for at minimum 1 yr before considerimg it.

I’d bring up the idea of starting off slow, dating, family outings… he may feel a responsibility, which is great, but it doesn’t necessarily mean a serious relationship will work.

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So you were incredulous when he kept bringing it up and gave him no feedback, but now you’re hurt and in disbelief because he stopped? If you never gave him any encouragement or wanted to seriously discuss the subject, of course he’s going to quit trying with you and back away from that and just focus on his son.

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His Mama planted that seed in his head!! She’s told him that getting married is the right thing to do - Both morally and when it comes to rights/visitation. He has zero clue what he wants, what to do and is still listening to his Mama and other family members!! Still can’t think for himself!! Red Flag!!

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Ummm you have him to talk about it with lol. He’s probably the only one who can give you answers 🤦

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You don’t love him don’t do it

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Strange thought
But how is Facebook to know if he’s serious?!
Have you thought about having a serious conversation with him

You have to talk to him about all of that. Y’all can’t read each other’s minds so you’re going to have to use your mouth, sweets. Talk. What’s the worse that can happen? I mean you already have a baby together.

It sounds like his mom might be pressuring him to marry you. Some people still have the old fashioned beliefs that parents should be married. So his mom is telling you he’s serious because she wants him to be. But his actions aren’t. If he brings it up again I’d say I think we’re good how it is or mention that you should date before taking it that seriously.

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I would just talk to him about how you’re feeling and what you want from the relationship if he wants to get married.

Red flag on the play

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No one cn speak on his behave every man is different. U need to talk to him, tell him url need to spend more time getting to knw each other before getting married

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My thoughts are if the guy can go two weeks without communicating with you then he is not serious. Do you even know if he loves you ? Guys don’t usually marry women that they just sleep with without dating to begin with. How do you know what he is doing in those two weeks and where he’s at ? He may be married. Not trying to bum you
Out but you need to know these things so you don’t get hurt again

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Communicate with him and start building a relationship with him. Tell him that you’re open to getting married after you spend more time together. Tell him that you’re excited to bond with him.

Maybe he really wants to and feels like he’s being rejected by you? Trauma will make us distance ourselves from other people due to the fear of being hurt. :heart: I really hope you can talk to him about your feelings, and let him know you’re confused about the long time between communication.

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Look at his actions and not his words

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Maybe try going on a date with him? Start there. Maybe you won’t even like him enough romantically to pursue a serious relationship. The only way to find out if it’s real or worth pursuing would be to put one and effort into trying to have a relationship and then let time and feelings decide from there.

Tell him if he is serious that you need to start by hanging out and dating and go from there… you can’t just go from fwb to marriage and expect it to be wonderful… get to know each out and see what develops. And you might find love or just someone you stay friends with and coparent with.

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Ask him straight out. Also ask why he never talks to you unless he’s visiting.

None of us know him so everyone is guessing but it sounds like he is giving you space because he knows your history… Only you know what to do, could you be happy with him?

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First of all instead of asking people on social media…you should be talking to him.
Second…you said you didn’t know if he was serious or not and it was ticking you off. Then you stated serious relationships bring you anxiety. So…it may not be all him.

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Sounds to me like maybe he has already been viewing what you guys have as a relationship. He has expressed his feelings, now it’s your turn. He’s more than likely just discouraged that you haven’t said anything on the subject yet, and I get that you’re probably feeling cautious after getting out of an abusive relationship, but you need to really self reflect a little here and figure out how deep your feelings go for him. How well do you feel you really know him? Could you see yourself happily married to this guy, or do you need more time to figure him or even yourself out. Or maybe you don’t have strong feelings and are afraid to hurt him. Either way you need to reach out and make him aware that you are at least thinking his proposition through. Use a few days or so to figure out your feelings on everything, and then set a convenient day and time to meet up again, and express to him what you have decided or whatever it is that’s making you feel hesitant. No matter what your choice is, you guys can be adults and make something work from there; whether it’s marriage, starting over to build a relationship from what you already had going, or just friendly co-parenting. He should respect your decision, but you really do need to decide whether to move forward with him or allow him to move on. Please do you both a favor before it gets to an unhealthy point, and just Communicate with him… Good luck :kissing_heart::purple_heart:

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If u don’t exist but 2 times a month then what about any of that sound serious to you?

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Why would you want to marry him? Do you love him? Never mind him and what he’s thinking, do you really want to be legally tied to that man? I can’t think of anything worse than marrying an accidental baby daddy/ex-fwb :flushed:

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You need to talk to him and tell him everything you’ve told us. Explain the root of your fears and say that while your find/live him, you don’t need to be married but maybe build a relationship as you are but without the ring and papers. If he and his family don’t understand and make a fuss, do not give in and marry against your better judgment. They talk about it all the time?? He sounds to be talking at you, telling you what should happen rather than privately discuss if it’s the right thing to do and if you actually want that! You should not be made to feel bad for not wanting to go that far nor should you be shunned by him and his family and for atmospheres to become awkward if you say no

Doesn’t sound like he is really serious about marriage especially he doesn’t come see his son on a regular basis. Does he support his child is he financially secure? I wouldn’t jump into marriage just don’t be in any hurry see how everything plays out.

He’s probably backing off since you clearly don’t seem interested. He’s said he’s serious, he’s said it in front of his mom, SHE’S said he’s serious…not sure how more clear they can be. The fact that you haven’t reciprocated probably hurt his feelings a bit and is feeling like he’s pushing so he’s backed off some. Not that I am blaming you, it’s a lot to process all at once! I’m just trying to see it from his side.
If you WANT a relationship with him, you’ll have to talk to him, maybe start a relationship up by going out on a real date. Maybe hang out as a family more, etc. but the ball is in your court. You need to be open about how you feel, too.

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Next time he says let’s get married say OK, when? Where? Who’s moving in with whom when we are married? Etc. See his reaction when you are being serious about it too.

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Well, he treating you like a friend with benefits still.:man_shrugging:t4: …maybe he thinks that’s what you into.

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Talk to him about it

Consultation with a lawyer is needed soon. There are loop holes in his story

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There’s no communication unless it’s pertaining to your son then he’s co-parenting he’s not really interested he’s just the one what he thinks his family wants him to do by marrying you or saying he’s going to marry you he won’t in my experience marry you

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To me it sounds like he talks about marriage out of a feeling of obligation at least at this point. He may seriously like u but marriage seems a bit extreme for someone you haven’t actually dated yet.

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You get off of social media and have this talk with him. He said he is serious, you say it gives you anxiety so he may not know what to do. Its a talk you both need to have with each other. No one here knows him or you. So the best advice is to open your mouth and use it…tell him your wants, concerns, thoughts, etc.

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Start with being friends and dating… talk to each other

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When he stops talking about it and actually goes to the effort of proposing to you I wouldn’t take it serious I hope it all turns out great for you :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

He dropped the hint his.giving you space balls in your court, you either take it up or tell him flat out no and dont lead him on.

Well first of all do you even have feelings for this person? Even if he’s serious you don’t have to marry him just bc he’s asking and is serious. I think it’s kind of odd

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If you have trouble communicating try couples counseling. It might help you both learn how to express yourselves better so you can discuss your relationship with each other. Plus you’d have someone to guide the conversation to help you find out more about each other.

Also, are you in counseling? Being in an abusive relationship can give you PTSD and distort how you see/approach relationships. You have to be strong and love yourself first before you can share your life with someone else.

Does he live with his mom? I would never marry someone who hasn’t lived on their own first.

Sit him down and talk to him , about feelings and his throwing talk of marriage around ???

No one knows how he feels or what he is thinking so advice is moot point , you have to discuss things with him . Communication is the basis of all good relationships so talk to him .

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I’d definitely try dating first lol

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Tell him. If he is serious he has to make more n of an effort and date you first. Dint marry him…you don’t know him well enough.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Is my child's father serious?

His actions don’t match his words !! Definitely have a sit down . Kinda cruel to have no contact for a few weeks then love bomb you about getting married. It’s very narcissistic!! I wouldn’t put up with it !!

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Just because you have kids with someone doesn’t mean you belong together or should get married. You said it yourself, it was a friends with benefits situation, you never dated. I wouldn’t get into it. You have 2 kids to raise and you should focus on them🙏🏻

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I feel like men tell you what you want to hear but actions always tell the truth

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I would sit him down and talk to him tell him what you just said on here.How can you think he’s serious if he doesn’t even talk to you besides when it’s his turn with the baby.If he is serious make sure it’s something you really want and make sure it’s because he really loves you not just because you have his child

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A lasting marriage only works when you have developed a relationship and friendship. Sounds like your far from that. Check his motives for marriage… perhaps custody … no child support… actions speak louder than words. His actions are not motivated by love or wanting a relationship with you.

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I would have an adult sit down conversation and figure out what he really wants.

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Have a serious courtship. You truly don’t know each other beyond sex, which is not love.

I’d be careful about that is he capable of taking care of you money wish there’s more to marriage than that just because full and don’t UT all your eggs in one basket my dad told me more than once you don’t date him even maybe he’s only long for some one your kids might like it but don’t all ways let them reside you have to live with him for a life time does he help you in any way. Like give you money clothing for the kid at or take you out to eat or a trip maybe he just jocking

I would maybe try dating first. He seems “old fashioned” maybe. The whole well you had a baby with her now you gotta marry her type.

Doesn’t sound truly committed to me. If you have doubts stay single!!!

Discuss your concerns with him

Actions need to match up with words. He wants to marry you? He needs fo show that he will support you and both kids everyday of the week rather than once every two weeks.
He needs to understand communication is key if he’s wanting wed, a text every few days is not it. He needs to make time for you and the kids marriage is about balance and it takes a lot to make it work.
Don’t marry a man who isn’t even giving you half the effort, it’ll just get worse if he puts the ring on.

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That’s a no for me if he truly cared he would show it, cause if he wanted to he would and he would if he wanted to

Your gut/intuition is telling you exactly what to do; LISTEN TO IT!

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You need to talk to him. Only he can answer these questions

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If he wanted to marry you, he would propose. You’d know if he was serious.

Be careful with male gaslighters and narcissistic types - they often learn it from their mother and they absolutely will abuse and gaslight in teams. Especially if they have a hidden goal in mind.

If he really and truly wanted to marry you, wild elephants wouldn’t keep him from your door or your children. Your intuition knows he isn’t genuine, but you don’t understand why someone would lie about something so serious so you’re applying the label of “joking” when it is another type of deception - love bombing, trapping and possibly future faking.

It sounds like he’s serious especially if he’s brought it up to his mom but he’s probably backed off from you because of your (understandable) lack of interest. Sit down and talk to him about it

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Its because his mother doesn’t know this is a fwb situation only thats to keep mom happy

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For someone thats wants to supposedly marry you he sure does not take the time to prove it other than words. If he treats you and his son this way now he will in a marriage. Girl if your not in love with this man why would you consider marriage anyways? Thats not something thats going to work just to do it because of a child.