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QUESTION:
"My 3 y.o. daughter is in preschool. Recently she's been throwing fits every time we drop her off. It's so bad that we usually end up taking her home. I work 3rd shift, so usually, it's dad that takes her when I don't have off. His mom stepped in and had been taking her and now she's sitting in the class with her. I feel like this is coddling her and preventing her from actually getting over what's making her throw a fit. I told his mom that if she can't go by herself by the end of the month then I'm gonna pull her out and try again next year when she's 4. His mom is very mad and said it's a security thing. I'm just not sure if I'm doing the right thing."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"I feel like the coddling is more from taking her home rather than staying there with her. If it works having grandma there, and the school is okay with it, I think that's fine. Maybe work towards her being there for a minute or two less every day. 9 times out of 10 when your child is crying at a drop-off to school, daycare, etc… they stop as soon as mom or dad is out the door. It is most likely a phase and she will grow out of it."
"In my opinion, the child is never going to want to stay alone as long as MIL is staying. It's only going to make it harder on you."
"She’s going to continue if you take her home every time, maybe you or grandma or dad should stay with her the first 15 minutes or more to help see everything is ok and all the children are having fun"
"Stop taking her home. She’s learning that a tantrum is all it takes to not have to stay. You need to leave her there even if she carries on. It won’t last long after you leave. Sometimes the staff do have to hold the baby as you walk out the door mid-tantrum. They always say it lasts as long as mum is in view then they stop."
"You’re all making it hard on her. Stop coddling her by giving in when she has a tantrum. Leave her there alone with her teacher and class. She’ll calm down after a bit. Your MIL isn’t helping but taking her home when she cries is also not helpful."
"I think you’re both wrong. The more you take her home and stay with her the more she’s going to throw fits when you don’t. I’ve babysat for several years and in my experience, the kids throw more and more tantrums when the parents give them attention for it. That’s their entire goal. She’s playing you and she’s winning. Drop her off. Give her hugs and kisses and tell her to have a good day and you’ll be back later and walk away. She will get over it. She will learn that throwing a fit isn’t going to change anything. All you’re doing now is teaching her that throwing a fit is going to give her what she wants so why would she ever stop?"
"Sounds like dad learned to coddle from his mom. A tantrum from a 3-year-old is a power struggle that the child must not win. I’d do a hard drop-off and ask the school how long it takes her to settle in. Taking her home is giving in and teaches her she can get what she wants by acting out."
"Sometimes you just need to let her cry it out or she’ll do it forever. With that last year my son (who had been fine going to school and preschool) started crying every day that he wanted to stay at home, this year he’s a year behind his age group. I decided to move him to another school and since going to a new school he now cries on weekends to be there, he has also started catching up very fast. Is there any chance she’s getting bullied or anything making her upset"
"Honestly y’all are both wrong. All kids go through this stage. If you take them home when throwing a fit you have encouraged the behavior and now will get it every time. I am gonna assume you know there is no abuse that your child is just going through this normal stage. Her staying at school is also not realistic as it will also encourage the fits. As someone who worked at daycares, I promise they don’t cry long at all after you leave cause they have lost the audience that it was for. On the other side, I am also a working mother and we were our guilt on our sleeve. Kids can sense it. And of course, they would rather be with family as well as be at school. Just be strong and firm. This will be the first of many battles and you make it harder when you cave. Good luck parenting is hard and seldom fun but very worth it!"
"IMO you’re both wrong. Sitting in with her is coddling and taking her home is giving in to the tantrums. Drop her off, quick kiss, and walk away. She’ll calm down once you’ve gone"
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