Hi. I have been married 22 years and have 3 beautiful children who are all about to go to college (I have multiples). About 10 years ago I caught my husband in his 1st lie. I had to take my youngest to the doctor and found out he cancelled our family’s medical insurance (he corrected me and said he just let it lapse.) When I questioned him his response was I had to make some decisions and did what I had to do. Over the next couple of years I found out he opened credit cards, bank accounts, etc in my name using my social security number. He has taken money out of our life ins policy, taken out home equity loans among other things. When I questioned him he said that i have no idea how much it cost to run a house. The problem is we both have parents that have money and have been very generous with their money over the years and plus my husband is a doctor (which he quit recently because he wasn’t happy) so I don’t understand why he felt the need to do all this. When I kept questioning him about all of this he started to get angry and said I can’t let go of the past and is tired of talking about it and even said at the end of the day he’s the 1 who makes the money around here (I went back to work 10 years ago). He recently switched careers and took a major pay cut (more than 50%) which he never even discussed with me i only found out when i was filling out my son’s FAFSA for college. He does love his children and is a good dad (most of the time) so I don’t want to break up our family but to be honest we are both unhappy. We tried counseling but it only made me more angry because he showed no remorse for any of his actions (I’m not a lawyer but isn’t a lot of what he did illegal)? Over the years there have been so many lies and discrepencies in his stories that i don’t believe anything he tells me anymore. I have tried to let go and get past all this but the lies just keep coming. My parents were divorced and I didn’t want my kids to go through that but I see no other option. What to do? Thank you
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I've caught my husband in multiple lies: Help?
Im just throwing my opinions out here but he might have another women and or life and is financially caring for it.
You deserve answers and peace of mind.Maybe start preparing for a life without him…hes messing w your child’s well being
Girl run while you got the chance
I would be GONE thats awful lies are the worst:( your kids are old enough to understand….
Leave his ass! Sounds like he’s selfish and doesn’t give a crap about anyone else much less you or your marriage.
Sounds like he may have some gambling problems. But I would definitely consult with a lawyer about the credit cards and loans he took out under your name. If you do go through a divorce you want to make sure he will be responsible for paying those and not you. Gather all the proof you can before he suspects you want a divorce so he doesn’t have time to cover his bases.
Cheating bc of all the withdrawals. If he didn’t tell you or share it with you & the children, then something is up.
Is he doing drugs or gambling? The money has to be going somewhere
If he opened credit cards or accounts in your name without your knowledge that’s illegal regardless if you’re married.
Double life or drugs.
Check your credit report asap & come out from under that rock.
Leave. He obviously doesn’t respect you at all.
I’m sorry but I think he’s got a drug problem
A liar is a liar especially when he turns it back on you.
Figure out where all the money is a Taus lot even if you have to hire a forensic accountant.
Close your accounts and create one new one he doesn’t have access while you ponder your decision. No offer this to or protect you and your children
Figure out what is real so you can make your decision.
He’s usurping power and cutting you outbof everything. This isn’t love. Move on while you can. The decisions for any fall out is his fault. He is lying to you. This is a very unhealthy sad situation. You and your kids, no matter their age, deserve a better family life.
Hes gotta b cheating or got a huge problem he’s hiding
Your gut is telling you something is wayyy wrong. Listen to it!
Nothing of what he has done or continues to do is acceptable. None of it.
Honestly, my marriage ended very recently for the same reasons. In the end, it was way worse than I ever expected. I’m not saying yours will be, but I’m afraid you’re only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Take care of your children and yourself, bc that’s what he’s being doing all along…taking care of himself.
I think he has a drug and gambling problem. Find out why he really stopped being a doctor. Probably had to use all that money from a malpractice suit.
Sounds like he has a drug problem and it cost him his job as a doctor.
Who just quits being a doctor? That’s wild.
I dont think cheating my first thought would be gambling or drugs. If u have tried to make it better and cant then theres no point in either of u being miserable.
WTH first lie I’d be done with him
You’ve already decided, listen to your own words, “I don’t believe anything he tells me anymore.”
Could be a gambling addiction, drugs, cheating a million things… definitely sounds shady and I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to open anything in your name/ss number with out your consent. Staying because of your grown children is only going to make things worse and you’ll resent everyone in the end.
Dump him. It will NOT get better. Trust what I say!!!
That man sounds fraudulent.
I would start by hiring someone to look into your records. What your social has been used for all that. I know you might feel sneaky going behind his back doing this but you need the proof. Sounds like illegal activity of him using your name. I would run a credit check on both yall. Compare his to yours. If he’s been ruining yours you got a problem. He could destroy you where you can’t leave or make a life for you after leaving.
Leave him, do not stay for the kids
I would file police reports so he can be charged or possibly be charged if he does any further? I’m not sure how that works but that’s messed up!
Sounds like maybe a gambling addiction or other. Yes it was very illegal. Talk to an attorney to see your options on them collecting
Your kids are in college. They’re old enough to understand that you need to be happy too and that dad has done wrong. You can no longer use the kids as an excuse to stay. You merely want to stay out of the comfort of the familiarity and not wanting to leave your comfort zone and be alone. It is ok to be alone, but you have to make that first step and stop using kids as an excuse to stay in an unhappy home.
Your kids are now old enough, kick him out. He’s not going to change
You’re doing more harm to your kids by staying. They will adjust. Especially being a little older. Leave and live your life
Sounds like another woman in his life
He definitely has a gambling or drug problem I would say
He may have an addiction and you’re not aware. That would be my first instinct and I’m speaking as someone who has an addiction and hid it for a long time before realizing I needed real help.
You need counseling both individually and together. And if it gives you peace just separate your expenses & lock your credit.
If your kids are all college age then it’s time to move on from him. As long as they are in school he’s still responsible for child support until they are 21. Yes the things that he’s done are illegal but some of them may have statutes of limitations. Contact an attorney who will obviously know more.
Has he lost his MD license due to drug use? Run a credit report and see where you actually stand
Sounds like you answered your own question. I’m sure it’ll be hard but you can do it!
Sounds like you have some serious issues going on. Only one decision maker in your family and you’re not involved
I would take what money you can without him knowing and hide it, I would consult an attorney about him opening these items in your name, it sounds like he’s cheating, gambling or has a drug problem, you deserve better, you need to file for divorce before he leaves you in so much debt, your kids already know lots and it’s better for them to be from a broken home than this mess your husband is making of your lives.
I will never understand why parents can’t see that your CHILDREN know when you are miserable and it will affect them!
Two happy parents separated is a thousand times better than two miserable parents together.￼
These are HUGE lies. And yes, illegal. I’m sorry but he’s opening credit cards in your name, forging your signature and using your social? That’s identity theft. I’m sorry but there’s so much wrong going on here, I really, really think you need to get out.
I feel like he’s got a side friend. Leave him
Talk to a lawyer. Life is too short to be miserable. Make sure that he is responsible for the debt he incurred without your knowledge. You said you had been married for 24 years so you’re probably still young enough to find new love from a man who would be honest and caring with you. Do yourself a favor and don’t wait another minute.
Sounds like a gambling addiction, or some sort of addiction
It sounds like he might be an addict of some sort.
Could it be drugs or a gambling problem?
It is 100% illegal. I can send u lawyers in your area
I would find out ALL ABOUT the finances before saying anything. Make sure u know how its ALL done. Have a plan before making your move. BE SMART
I think you answered your own question. If you can afford it be on your own or you will be lost praying for you PROTECT ALL YOUR IMPORTANT INFORMATION so he can’t ruin the rest of your life
When he’s at work Go to the bank and withdraw your money make sure you are video all this stuff going on - video you packing up and leave go to your parents somewhere safe and if he text or calls do not answer make sure your screenshot everything - then call each of the adult children up and have a meeting in public and explain to them what’s going on and how you are going over come everything their dad did - don’t put him down just explain-
DO NOT GIVE HIM THE POWER OVER YOU
Definitely illegal to open things in your name and never stay with someone just because of the kids especially if you are not happy
Your children are grown and old enough to make and form their own opinions. Do not stay in this marriage for them as theyre not even going to be home and youre going to be miserable. I don’t even think you’ve hit the tip of the iceberg on everything he has done and lied about. I don’t even think you have the entire story, there’s got to be more you don’t know. Leave him, find out what is going on, and get a lawyer to help you asap.
Quite frankly, you tell him about it. You call him on the illegal things he has done through the years. You can pull a copy of your credit report and dispute ANYTHING you do not recognize. You don’t have trust in your relationship. I honestly don’t know how you are still holding on. If there isn’t trust, what is the point? You are teaching your kids to hang on to a relationship that is TOXIC. Why? Get an attorney and FILE for a divorce, Your kids WILL manage just fine.
IMO Drugs, gambling or another woman are the only things that would cost a lot of money . Something to think about.
Drugs, gambling, affairs, sugar babies, or even putting money somewhere else and planning on leaving you when he retires.
There’s no “good” that could be going on. Get a lawyer, get a divorce, and live a happier life. You’re kids are adults, they’ll be fine.
Your kids having divorced parents isn’t the worst thing they can go through.
Stop letting him get away with these things. And yes it doesn’t take a lawyer to work out that’s fraud
Good luck x
I feel you answered this yourself.
Not sure counseling can help, he sounds like a man with at least one addiction he is hiding. Get money separated as fast as tou can with a lawyer’s help. To start
Follow the money- and you’ll have your answer. It’s either drugs, gambling, supporting another woman , or sex addiction. Also you better pull a credit report on yourself- it might be wrecked
Might need to make sure he hasn’t opened accounts/credit cards in your children’s names too.
If your kids are old enough togo to college theyvare old enough to be dissapointed that their mother didn’t love herself enough to leave,because I bet they believe you deserve better. Be honest with them, they are older and are able to understand whats going on.
I wish you well in this, secrets like this do nothing but break bonds in relationahips.
Your children are grown, it’s time to live for you. Being a wife and mom for most of your life, find you. Don’t live unhappy.
Get legal advise and after that get a family member to help out. Is too much serious issues. Maybe he needs treatment for addiction. It’s serious
To me, all that lying sounds like something major is going on, even a double life. I’d get the hell out asap.
get out now while you still have time to enjoy ur life after u get settled into a new better life. way too many years of living w/ a narcissist imo…he’s not even showing any kind of remorse or chance of changing. why would u ever want to grow old with this guy? ur kids are ready to start their own adventures. once they are settled into college i would start planning for my future if i was you. Actually, you should start secretly planning it right now so ur ready for opportunity. why should you live an unhappy life anymore when freedom is just around the corner. you are living someone else’s life for all these years. wondering, worrying, trying to figure him out. stop trying to live in his head & start living for you. you have given enough of your life to someone that has not reciprocated. he does not appreciate or deserve you. i wish you the very very best. i know the future will be a beautiful one after u settle this shit & leave it behind you. good luck.
maam I am sorry your going through that. Your children are grown. You raised your children now its time for you to go to stepping and get away and enjoy the rest of your life.
You’re in my prayers— so sorry you have to go through this
Opening accounts in your name and social is 100% illegal. Even if he had your consent, he would still have needed your signature, which means he forged it. Your kids are adults now. I would do what you need to to be happy.
Be smart……get what you can and run!
I’m opening credit cards I. Your name is definitely illegal
Look at your credit report and EVERY credit card you do not recognize, you call the company and cancel saying you never authorized it.
When the trust is gone, ain’t much left. Kids want to see their parents happy, not necessarily together.
He has committed multiple FELONIES directly victimizing you…I’d have your children check their credit reports to make sure he hasn’t opened anything w their socials and check aby savings accounts or policies on the kids to see 9f get touched those. IMO what he’s done is unforgivable and so selfish…no way I could trust him and I guarantee he’s hiding something big and you’ve only scratched the surface
I couldn’t get past that creating things in my name without me knowing. what shady deals is this guy up to?? Maybe he’s a serial gambler or god idk. I couldn’t stay if you paid me
Double life or drug user or a gambler . Get the hell out and bring up everything in divorce court so your not liable for his lying .
Hire a private detective
I had this issue with my ex-husband, turns out he had a gambling problem.
The best advice anyone can ever give another person is never ever stay in a marriage for the sake of the children ever. If you are unhappy your kids are unhappy even if they don’t show you they know they live with it they experience it and it is not good for them.￼
It’s seams he is not seeing you as an equal!! It’s Time to make a change!! It’s hard yes, but your children will go on to have a life!! So now is the time to think about what kind of life you want?? And get all the cards in your name canceled!!
I would reach out to your family for help & ask them to help you hire a lawyer and start to financially distance yourself from him ASAP. I would also have your lawyer start looking into checking if he has any other things set up in your name, in your children’s names etc. That’s really serious. The fact that he gets angry and tries to switch up on you anytime you bring it up would be really concerning. He’s definitely struggling with some kind of addiction, double life, something isn’t right. Trust your gut instinct. I’m sorry you’re going through this, wishing you all best!
Start with a credit check, talk to an attorney get your ducks in a row! Sounds like something shady is going on! Sadly seems like something is definitely wrong. Prayers for a good outcome.
He may have a gambling addiction
Either gambling or women. Likely escorts.
You need to start digging so you can find out what accounts are open in your name/ have been open. Might be worth at minimum consulting with an attorney (on the DL) to find out what information you need to gather
Put a tracker on his car
What he’s doing is illegal. Get a free copy of your credit report and retain an attorney NOW.
Id leave and the kids are off to college they are an age where divorce wouldn’t really b the end of the world and yes some of that Is illegal it’s your name and all without consent
I’m noticing a lot of 20,30 year marriages going up in smoke! Lord help us!
I’m saying trust your gut instincts. You know everything your saying and feeling is facts enough. You don’t need us for validation. Imagine if he was doing illegal stuff with your social security number. You would be in jail. I guess that’s no biggie to him either?
Protect your internal peace and credit score at all costs.
Your children definitely are old enough to understand.
I’d be insulted and infuriated that he thought you’d never realize what a mess he made of your personal finances. Talk to an attorney ASAP.
Lock down your credit file with bureaus until you want to apply then lock it back up. Start to build a new life, your kids are in college now…go live your life
sometimes being divorced is better for the kids, they’re college age so for the most part the growing is done and they’re old enough to understand. It isn’t fully done but it’s also different a little because they aren’t 3. It’s bad enough that he did all that, but the why would be the bigger question for me.
He has broken the law doing what he’s done. Something is not right with his behaviour, why did he really change jogs? Sounds like you need professional help, also he needs to see a doctor. I also agree you need to find out what he’s done with the money he embezzled in your name. Does he have another family somewhere leading a double life or he’s had a breakdown.
Staying in a situation you’re unhappy in is a quick way to get yourself sick and teach your kids that they have to stay even if they’re unhappy. Kids are going to college, that makes it a great time to leave and start finding your happiness.
Because the he did is illegal.
What he has done using your name and social security number and money is a felony
He stole your identity. You can have him arrested.