Hey! I ask if this can please remain anonymous. Not sure if I am looking for advice or just need to vent, maybe hear others input on this situation I am going through, thanks in advance and sorry for the long post. So I am currently pregnant with a baby boy and have a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship, her father and I were no longer in a relationship when he passed away 2 years ago. My current SO and I have known each other for over 4 years now, we tried dating a while back but it didn’t work out mainly because I had trust issues although he never really gave me reasons. I guess this was due to the toxic relationship I had with my daughters father. We started dating again in the summer and when I told him I was pregnant around October he was overjoyed and told me he has always wanted to have a family with me and are relationship has been really good, no complains. Now just some background; I am 30 years old and moved back in with my parents about 3 years ago because I had separated from my daughters father. I had finished school but had no job. So my mom offered me to move back in. Now, I have always been very private about my personal and love life. I’m Hispanic and mine at least are not very accesible to talk to. When I told my mom I was pregnant she was a little serious but happy because my daughter was going to have a sibling. My family hadn’t met and still hasn’t met my SO although we were planning a dinner of some sort so they can meet him. After knowing about my pregnancy my mom was overly nice making me breakfast and such, I felt spoiled. Now Iiving with my mom I pay a total of $850 a month for a room and other miscellaneous stuff. When I first started living here I was paying maybe $500 but because she was helping me babysit my daughter and she did the food shopping I gave her more. My SO pays about $700 a month so it only makes sense we rent an apartment together. I felt bad about leaving my parents so I asked SO if he would be ok if we rented a 4 bedroom with my parents and he said it would be ok since we are all going to need each other’s support, money wise, the kids and so on. Now where we live it’s cramped, there is no living room or space for my kids and it is continuously having problems like no hot water, no water not to mention in bad condition. When I had mentioned to my mom about moving out and showed her pictures of nice apartments I had found not so far from where we currently live she flat out said no because she loves the area. So I told her ok that’s fine, but I am just giving you a heads up I am moving out. A few days later, she told me she changed her mind because they are going to start charging for hot water and they were paying too much already but it had to be around here. I told her I wasn’t playing around and she needed to make up her mind. She then began to say things like she believes I didn’t make the baby out of love and that I probably don’t love the baby’s father and that the baby is probably an accident. I was so shocked she had the audacity to say anything like that because this lady says to be so catholic, prays 4 hours a day, 6 hours on Sundays. I told her that that part of my life is non of her business. She had also mentioned that I AM the one that is going to be needing of HER help postpartum. Where I didn’t even answer back because I had had enough already. SO is taking time off work to help. I dislike arguing, and she talked to me as if I were still a little girl, like she had no respect for me at all, as if because she is my mom, she could talk to me however she wants. I have no idea why she feels so entitled. Out of my 3 siblings, I’m the oldest, only woman and also the most financially stable. Now I had told her about the apartment because I had the intention of helping my parents with saving money, my parents aren’t getting any younger and I worry for their future especially since COVID hit my father hard and was left with no savings. She hasn’t spoken to me since, it’s been over a week and I’ve even noticed she started treating my daughter different and it hurts because my daughter calls her mom too because she loves her so much, my daughter even mentioned she doesn’t want to move too far because wants to stay close to her grandparents. She can take out all her anger on me but never my kids, that’s where it hurts. I have come to the conclusion that it’s not healthy living with her now or in the future, she is always going to want to get in my business. She says things about SO without even knowing him, like how he is not going to support me, what if he walks out as if she wants things to go bad for me or she is not happy. With the way she is acting I don’t think I want her meeting SO or her future grandson anytime soon. SO hasn’t given me any reason to doubt him and I’m confident in our relationship and the family we are starting. I feel as if this is what happens when you try to look out for those you care about, they don’t appreciate the little things. From now on I am just going to let her go and put my little family first. If you read up to here, thank you.
I love my mother, and after my husband and I separated, my kids and I moved back in with her. We were there for a decade. And it was too complicated. The family dynamic was off, and there were constant power struggles. My kids and I moved about a year ago, and my mom and I are close again. She was hurt when I told her I was moving, but she’ll tell you now that it was the best thing for all of us. I’m about a mile down the road from her, but still have my own space. The power struggles have stopped.
Your paying what you can for a 1 bedroom or studio and u dont have privacy and are still treated as a child. Mom or not she has to respect your decisions and not condemn you or say I told you so. But you are not mooching or taking advantage of your parents you do contribute. Seems as if she only is concerned now because hot water will be charged and your income there will be lost. But it was ok while the hot water barely worked. I understand why you would want to take care of your parents in this time and im sorry your dad depleted his savings but so called ppl of God often judge alot and I thought the only one we should fear judgement from is God. Good luck girlfriend and do what is best for you. My mom may disagree with me and my choices she never ridicules me for them or takes it out on my girls. I actually believe she loves them more than she loves me lol and that’s perfectly okay with me.
I think it’s a little too much to expect your parents to move into an apartment with a man that they haven’t even met before. Her reaction is completely understandable to me.
Holy shit girl! That’s a lot.
I seriously hope that you will get some counseling for yourself and your oldest. There is help out there to figure this situation out. I won’t be like others where they will tell you what to do. How could anyone? Seek out professional help. It’s there for you. That’s what you need. Not opinions.
Best of luck to you! God bless you
You want your mom to move out of the home she has to live with someone she doesn’t even know? You say you tried to date him before but it didn’t work out and say you moved in with your mom when the relationship with your daughters father went bad but now shocked and angry that anyone could say they don’t believe your relationship will work. What you claim as her taking her anger out on your daughter could just be her trying to put distance between them because she knows eventually she won’t be able to see her all the time like she does now. Maybe instead of viewing things the way you wish to Maybe try to view things from her perspective.
I’m actually really shocked that people in the comments are defending grandma. Your mom is 100% wrong period. You did a nice thing offering her to live in a new apartment with your family. Abd for her to talk down on you and your partner, then treat your daughter weird because of an argument between the two of you, is soooo wrong. I would definitely take a break from her for a while. And not moving in with her is the best idea for sure. Idc if she’s your mom or not, toxic is toxic! And she sounds very toxic for your whole family.
Mother’s can be toxic and society is not ready to talk about it😞. Do what is best for U and the kids
It is totally difficult to live with a family member. I recommend getting a place of your own. Your mother is trying to guilt trip you and that is why you are feeling the way you feel. If your S/O is there for you 100% then don’t jeopardize your relationship with him. Your mother will always be there for you and your family but you have to give her that opening to let you leave the nest. I understand that your parents aren’t getting any younger but you need to grow and start your own life with your own home and with your own little family. You need to do what is best for you.
You do you and focus on your family. If you are confident that this relationship will work and its right for you move in with him. You gave her the opportunity to come and she decided she didn’t want that.
It sounds like you already made plans. So why are you here? That was a very long “vent” very hard to understand. Just move out with your man, he seems good, and do you as a new family. You don’t need your mom there. Grow up, be a mom of your own and do you!
Stress is not good for any pregnancy. Maybe have a sit down just you and her after baby comes. However taking anger out on kiddos even in the simplest way is unacceptable.
I would not move to a new space with your parents. If you want to give them money every now and then so be it… But understand she told you she is comfortable where she is… She only got uncomfortable when she had to pay more…
You are starting a family. Keep peace where you lay your head.
What a mess hun. Dont cut your mom off though. Sounds to me like shes hurt and worried about losing you. Definitely expressing it in a bad way
she just looking out for you bc u already have 1 child with a failed relationship and moved back in with them and now your having a 2nd child with someone and now moving into yalls own place don’t want to see a repeat happen. She definitely shouldn’t be taking it out on her granddaughter of her feelings of the situation.
Well sorry if she wasnt happy moving in she should of said no
I can relate in some ways.
I wouldn’t know about the mom aspect as my mom passed away when I was 9. However, I did have to move in with my father after quickly leaving an abusive relationship. And we have never gotten along so I had no intention of staying long. He’s always been verbally and mentally abusive (mostly). So when I had an opportunity two months later to move I told my dad we would be leaving and he went off on how he wouldn’t help with the kids (not that he really had been other than taking them to doctor appointments when needed as I didn’t have a license at the time and no public transportation in the area). So I felt trapped. Then after I got a decent paying job and my DL back I started looking at places. He would then manipulate the kids behind my back into not wanting to leave. This story goes on forever but the end is not a happy one. The point is toxic is toxic, there is assistance programs in the community if needed you just have to ask. I wish I had asked.
your mom has been there thru out it all.your in her home shes going to be "all up in your business"you made it her business when you moved in her home. thats been her neighborhood for a long time thats where she feels comfortable.her friends and all are there.you are right that she shouldnt take out on your daughter.dont shut your mother completely out you may need her again.your the one that doesnt appreciate.its not that she doesnt want things to work out for you.shes just asking what if?what if it doesnt work out?are you supposed to come back there?i hope it works out for you but you shouldnt shut someone out thats had your back.
Wrong on so many levels. I’m a mother of 3 daughters in their late 30’s and early 40’s and I would not ever do that. We are supposed to make life easier for our children not harder
My son and I lived with my mom and dad for 7 yrs, 6 to long , Paid rent well there, Then left when I had saved some money , Bought furniture, and moved to a 2 bedroom apartment, Son thought they were coming aswell, No just you and me he thought for a min, Ok he liked that, Now 40 yrs, later I have been married for 30 years to a great man ,
As a single mom in similar situation who is not pregnant this is my take on things. You choose to live with your parents yes you pay rent and you help with food fact though your getting away cheap. You are not focused on your parent (I understand why) but you expect them to be focused on your needs. You created this situation. You choose to keep your family out of your relationship, You have chosen not to let them get to know him and then choose to have to have a baby with him. You made a choice to have sex with him at some level not protected hence there is a baby. So then you announce your pregnant before you even introduce the your SO to them and then expect them to just know he is going to be there for you. Fact you do not even know that if your not married. Do you know how many men say they are going to be there for their child and are not out of choice as well laget reasons like you have already experienced. You have very much disrespected your parents. You do not see what they have already done for your daughter and now it is likely they will be doing more for the your new baby you see “Oh I pay $850” FYI that is a drop in the bucket if you have to pay for daycare just for day care you would likely pay $1200 a month and that is per child now you adding a sec. You most likely are expecting your mom to babysit and with no thought to how that affects her. I am sorry you have not given your parents respect to know someone who is the dad of their future grandchild yet refuse to have and adult conversation based in reality that YOU have presented them. You handled this situation as a high school kid and not as an adult and yet expect to be treated like and adult but show the maturity of a high schooler. My advise you need to grow up. FYI I would not be moving in with your boyfriend unless you are married because you will be bouncing back to your parents and be praying they would take you back. Either stay with your parents or move out on your own but start looking at thing from your parents point of view and not from the maturity of a high school kid. FYI You baby was not planned your mom is right with saying the baby was a accident that does not mean the baby is now not wanted or not loved. My question has your daughter met your boyfriend have they developed a healthy relationship that is more than a couple months old in not you have NO business moving her in with your boyfriend. Stop trying to fix things by creating potentially serious situations. You do not rush into living with someone just because you get pregnant that is recipe for disaster.
I can say from experience with my dad, it is not a good idea to live in the same house together when you have children and have a spouse or SO. I have twins from a previous marriage and I had my dad move in to help out with the cost of rent. He constantly fought with my ex and they were both disrespectful to each other. It ended up in a physical fight. I had to call the cops. After my divorce, I eventually remarried and then after my husband moved in my dad continued with his comments and doing things that were annoying and disrespectful. He was constantly in our business and also interfering with me raising my children. Eventually my husband and I and the kids moved out into an apartment once my husband got a better job. My dad went to live with my uncle. Now, 7 years later we are looking to buy a house. My dad is miserable living in a room at my uncle’s house so we are looking for a house with a basement apartment for him but my stipulation is that it HAS to have a separate entrance. I cannot have my dad having access to come upstairs whenever he wants. It was too much of a power struggle living with him in our house so he needs to be separate. I think in your situation part of the problem is that you didn’t bring your new man around and have your mom get to know him before you told her you were pregnant. Maybe that’s why she’s saying your baby wasn’t made in love, because she didn’t see you two and how you are together. In her mind it’s like you just randomly hooked up with some guy and got pregnant.
I will give you my 2 cents as a single mother of 2 children under 10 and who moved back home with the parents to take care if them. As of now, you are living with your parents and it is a stressful situation. Your mom presently has some control over you and your daughter and she won’t have that ince you move away. I understand you want to take care of your parents, but presently you need to focus on your children and SO. Worse case scenario you have to live on your own without your SO and yes it would be nice to have the help and support from your parents but don’t count on it as part of your decision to move. Your mom is set in her ways and is in control. Once you move out that control is gone over you. If you all move together then what would her role be? Who will be in charge? When I moved in with my parents with my children I had to follow my parent’s (father’s) rules. I did so because I didnt pay rent but I did contribute in other ways. I had to respect the rules and understand that my father was in charge. Even though I was grown i moved into their house. She loves you and doesn’t want you to repeat what happened in the past. You need to focus on your family and your relationship with your SO. If you get an apartment make sure both of your names are on the lease so you both are responsible. Don’t end your relationship with your mom but try to explain to her how you feel about everything and how you value her and want her to be apart of your life.