Hello can you post unanimously please
Thanks
Hi mamas
Please no harsh comments as I’m struggling with this badly and want to fix it asap
I’m having a difficult time connecting with my 10yr old daughter. She seems to be very disconnected, emotionally that is. I have two sons and they are not like this. She is not very emphatetic. Not just towards me but her older sibling, family pat or her father. Very careless with stuff around the house. She just doesn’t care . She doesn’t communicate well either, she never starts the conversation first, never expresses how she feels or what she needs unless it’s her wanting to have a play date or go eat out, or shopping.
Her father is very emotionally handicap and so is my current boyfriend who I’ve been in a relationship for about 8 yrs.
I feel lost. I blame myself. I feel like I don’t know how to be a mom to a daughter. I feel like I failed her and did everything I told myself I will not do when I have a daughter.
I try, I honestly try every day. I give her hugs, show her love and give her affection. I ask questions about her day. I set up dates with her to go to the movies or walk in the park, hike…whatever, just so it’s her and I
I’m basically a single mom , since my partner works out of state. So my plate is full everyday. From school and activities, from trying to bond with each child I feel I just give and give. Even when my partner is home I’m the only one planning and giving. He never does anything for me and the children. Doesn’t remember holidays or birthdays. Never plans dates or vacations. Never surprises us with anything
It’s draining
I feel like I’m stretched thin and I’m pouring from an empty cup.
I have expressed this to him many many times. It changes when I mention it but that’s the only time. There is no consistency and I don’t want to feel like am begging or nagging.
I allow this obviously but I feel like I broke my daughter and she has learned this behavior from watching these crappy behaviors.
This is all my daughter knows and it’s almost like behavior is mirrored.
So I let things go, I’m not strict on chores, since they are such busy children, so I give five and I do mostly everything myself and if she messes something up I lose my cool and I snap. I don’t scream at her , I sit down and lecture, lecture like a crazy person . It can go for hours ! I talk uncontrollably and just can’t stop
It’s almost like I can’t stop and just want to be heard, it’s like I’m talking to my mother telling her to stop back in the day
Their grandma ( my mother) is not very present in their lives. Lunch here and there , showers them with gifts and that’s about it. She doesn’t snuggle my children, doesn’t play with them, doesn’t ask about their day.
That’s how she was with me , to this day she is. Her and I don’t hug or kiss , there was never any love shown towards me throughout my life.
I’m in my 40s and she still tries to be very controlling.
Little back story….I was parentified as a child. My teenage years and up until about 4 years ago when I set boundaries with my very narcissistic mother, I have had to parentify her , take care of her needs and everything else . I was abused emotionally, verbally and physically.
We moved to the states from another country so all my life I just thought since she doesn’t speak the language that’s how these moms are but no, time has proven that this is just how she is .
Since this is all I know I feel like Maybe I’m not connecting to my daughter in the right way , maybe me not having boundaries so I’m very relaxed , don’t get on her case about boundaries, since I want to be complete opposite of what my mother did to me.
I feel like I’m loosing my cool and I wake up anxious everyday. I just need some advice on what to do, how to try to repair this so her and I have a healthy and loving relationship.
If I where to do therapy what type of therapy would we need ? Where the therapist can work with us on mending our relationship
Do I put myself in therapy first ?
I’m so lost