My 10-year-old constantly talks down to me: Advice?

I’m a stay at home mom of a ten year old. The ten year old is being rude and making smart aleck comments to me pretty often and I can’t seem to get through to her. I’ve had talks with her, given her an extra chore, and taken away electronics but it doesn’t seem to be helping. It’s making summer difficult for us since I don’t want to reward this behavior but we’re still trying to enjoy summer as a family. She is a lot easier on her step-dad but we need new ideas or methods to help get us through summer and future teen years. We went to play basketball (her current favorite) tonight and I walked off the court totally defeated by the way she talks to me and treats me. I want things to get better but don’t know how to get there. She really is a great kid and makes all A’s so I try not to be too hard on her but clearly need advice. How should I react when this happens? What are the consequences in your home? Is there a way I can teach her to be kinder?Thank you for reading this and helping my family grow

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My 10-year-old constantly talks down to me: Advice?

Have you sat her down and had a heart-to-heart talk with her and let her know that it hurts your feelings the way she’s talking to you and asked her why? Not saying she will give you a reason but it’s worth a shot.

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Dont allow any disrespect. Stick with punishments. Even if it means canceling something fun. Set boundries, and stick to them. If you can afford it, maybe some therapy. Individual and/or family.

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Sometimes being tough pays off. My daughter now 17 almost 18. She used to try to argue back or put me down. I busted her butt. It stopped. No it’s not abuse :roll_eyes:. But you need to control the situation before she becomes so unruly you can’t help. Start taking electronics, wifi, etc… when she acts that way. Best of luck.

How is the tone and language you use with her? Also is it talking back or just her getting her point of view across but not being heard and getting frustrated?
I try to keep a calm even tone with my preteen, remind her in the moment how I’m sounding and ask if she can try the same.
If I want a heart to heart serious talk, I take my daughter for a drive. Then she’s more open and we don’t need to make eye contact

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Is she being a smart ass or just trying to be heard. Some people mistake the two.

You can’t take the path of least resistance just cause it’s summer… Make life hell… prob for everyone until she shapes up. Start with the wifi password

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I know ppl will come for me but oh well Lil miss sassy needs a spanking

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Family Therapy … you need to stand up to your 10 year old and tell her enough is enough and if she continues with being disrespectful all fun things will be gone even family outings like basketball etc. you’ve allowed her to be disrespectful towards you so she doesn’t take you seriously at all.

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Maybe embarrassing her on the court and see how she likes it! I am a respect your elders kind of person. I take electronics away from my kids. The only thing they care about.

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Therapy and possibly eval

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Welcome to hell oops I mean preteen hormones and behavior. You now understand why some species eat their young :joy:

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Take it all away. The only things you need to provide is a roof, food, water and a change of clothes. When you treat me with respect you can slowly get other things back, but until then.
With my kids when they back talk now all I say is “excuse me?” And they change their tune.

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You need to put your foot down! Yes it’s summer but so what! Take away all electronics and put her on punishment for a week. No outside no playing video games no outings nothing! Let her know YOU ARE THE ADULT! Period!

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Girl aint no child that came outta me is going to talk to me in a manner to where i think i need to ask a fb group. Like if u dont stand on 10 toes and treat that girl. Install some damn fear cuz clearly she takes you as a joke. U should be able to just look at her and she get her act together. I wish a 10yr old would talk to me anyway.

Express your feelings. Let her know how it makes you feel. Use “I statements” I feel so hurt when you say things like that to me. I would appreciate to be talked to and treated with kind words please. You Also have to lead by example! How is your communication with her? Are you wanting from her what you give to her as well?

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Respect is a big issue now a days. Dont allow it. Every time she does make her sit a write pages. I will not disrespect my mom. Every time she does add a page. An take something she likes away. Time limit on things she gets back.

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She is by definition NOT a “great kid”
Stop doing things she likes until her attitude improves
She may be hormonal but that still doesn’t excuse distracting you

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I sit with my child and explain how it makes me feel and give them an example that of something that hurt their feelings, that they can understand, and ask them if they would want that to be said or done to them? Get involved, ask them how it would make them feel if you or someone said or did something really hurtful. This is how children grow. Punishments only go so far when your child has a different way of processing. Get to know her, tell her about your predicament. Be honest with her. Speak to her like another adult. Children respond to respect and being taken seriously just as much as adults, more so probably. Try to find out what’s lacking bc she can’t tell you - she doesn’t know either. Love you you both :heart:

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Are you following through with punishments? She is old enough to understand a+b=c so basically her words and actions= consequences. But if you aren’t following thru she sees it as a joke. Give her 2 chances. The first you tell her about her behavior and you don’t appreciate it. Second I’ve warned you once this will be the last time. If she does it again she ends the activity. Don’t end it for other kids just her. Also, get her therapy because usually this behavior is reactive.

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What you allow, will continue…

I have a 12 year old who hasn’t been speaking nicely at all, it’s hard to know what to do. Just keep setting boundaries. Be consistent. Don’t give in.

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Send her to her room with nothing but pencil and paper and make her write what she has done wrong and what she will do to make it better. Take away all electronics and let her sit long enough to think about her behavior and actions

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My first thought is who she sees this behavior from? Whether it’s a close family member or maybe another child? Usually kids do that because they are mimicking or because they feel a certain way and just have a crappy way of expressing it. My family is sassy and my kids definitely have come backs but i dont take them personally (they dont say actual mean things). There’s a difference though in playing and true hurt feelings. Seems something may be bothering her though. Could also be hormones changing. I’d definitely try and talk more and express that “hey when you say xyz it hurts my feelings” and ask what’s going on? Kids are people too. I have bad days and say unkind things and being punished would definitely not help me but rather make it worse. If you feel this is something you’ve worked on and they just don’t listen/talk then I’d definitely suggest therapy.

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I’d pop her in her mouth real quick!

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Keep having summer fun but leave her with a sitter.

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I would be a smart aleck to her and ask her how it feels.

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Unpopular opinion- sounds like someone needs a smack on the mouth. Doesn’t have to be hard.

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What the f*ck is so funny Arlene Ortega Tori Sekulich William Ashley Wolfe??? I don’t see anything funny about this post… a mom trying to have fun with her kid not make her life hell even though the 10 year old is making her life hell… so funny… bitches…

Is she jealous of someone else in the family? Does she see her biological dad? If so could he be influencing her attitude?

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Put the foot down. I luckily havent had to do this, but i know parents (friends, family members) have taken away everything except the bed, dresser, clothes and hygiene products, and books, (school supplies during the school year), and have given extra chores. Let them realize how good they have it.

Have a good summer. Find her a sitter on every fun outting until she learns her behavior isn’t acceptable. Why ruin your fun and family fun for a child who disrespects? She will catch on real fast!

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With my 10 year old I simply tell her " I’m your mother and you’ll listen to me otherwise I will spank u and you will be grounded !"
You have to stand your ground and let them know there not the boss

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Cut the ‘kids programs’ TV time. Or watch it to see the sassy back talk to adults that is considered ‘entertainment.’

If I spoke to my mom or grandma that way-- I would not be here writing this.

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Now kids get away with almost everything because parents are like afraid/ scare of them, when I was little a slap in your mouth and you will never talk back to your parents

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Cut the phone, this is the new teen at 10. Tic toc shows them how to act and it’s not good. You need to talk to her about how real people act and not how actors act.

My mom would have popped me in my mouth. But too bad we can’t discipline kids the same we were raised as kids !!

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Welcome to the teen years! It gets worse! :wink:

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I have 5 kids…I was dealing with this with my 12 year old (my 4th) who had me in tears several nights in a row. It got to the point where I legit just stopped talking to her, doing anything for her, including her in anything extra I was doing that I didn’t HAVE to take her with. I sat down and told her I was going to do this until she could talk to me like a human being because I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I think it lasted all of a week until she apologized and started acting right. It’s been a couple months and her attitude has improved alot. She does still have moments, but I’m able to call her out in the moment so she can catch herself.

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Yup she needs a good old fashioned spanking and grounding for this behaviour no punches pulled if it doesn’t get thru do it a longer period the next time don’t give in you are her parent not her friend

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Model the behavior you want. Be nothing but kind to her no matter how hard it is to do. I bet you’ll see a change. It will take time of course.

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Wash her mouth out with soap or pop her mouth. Both worked for me and my siblings.

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Catch her completely off guard and let her have it with both feet! (Not violent, although maybe a good slap across the face might make her take notice)! Stop talking and take action. Do not beg, plead, cry, or try to reason. scream what you mean and do not listen to shit she has to say. Because I said so is a great phrase!

Do the things you want to do with with your family and have her stay home as consequences of her behavior :woman_shrugging: enjoy your summer let her miss out

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Call a family meeting.

Set boundaries.

She gets one warning.

After that whatever punishment you see fit.

Do not back down.

Do NOT retract the punishment.

For example, if she gets mouthy while playing basketball. She goes to the sidelines without any electronics to sit out the game. Let her sit and wait until you are ready to leave.
Ice cream or a snack on the way home, not for her.

If you allow this behavior now, you will regret it later.

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If you have tried and followed through with multiple disciplines and it hasn’t worked then the next time she is rude or hateful walk away and go to another room. Do not say anything to her and act like it didn’t bother you. She is looking for negative attention and she is getting it so just ignore it. She will get upset at first and get worse with it but eventually she will see it’s not getting her the reaction she wants and is used to and she will stop. I had to do this with my 2 older daughters when they were teenagers. It’s rough and hurts but it will get better with time. :purple_heart::purple_heart::purple_heart::purple_heart:

At 10, I may give her a small taste of her own medicine so to speak. Some kids learn the hard way.

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I know some don’t agree but if those punishments aren’t working then she needs a spanking

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Ah, 10 love that age , not

Well my mother would have slapped me in the mouth :woman_shrugging:t4:… I’m 33 and I still watch what I say :joy:. Spare the Rod spoil the child.

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Welcome to hormone he’ll.

Why did you walk off the court letting her get away with that nonsense? Who cares who’s around….give it to her straight when she starts up.

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Her butt sits in her room with nothing but a stripped bed, comes out only for food, bathroom and chores for as long as it takes. Sorry, but this is the stuff this whole soft parenting crap allows and even promotes. My daughter came after myself and her bro physically and then proceeded to “and you can’t do a damn thing about it!” I straight called the cops on her a—.

Get hard on her if grounding ain’t working add chores or make hee get physical run laps do burpees things like that

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Have you tried popping her in the mouth? On the backside? Seriously why are parents nowadays ALLOWING their kids to talk to them like this? I have a ten year old and if she was ever as disrespectful to me as your daughter sounds, she’d be swallowing teeth! No excuse. Parents nowadays are too soft which is exactly why we have a generation of kids growing up acting like heathens!

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You are the adult and the boss and need to lay down the law. I’m a nanny and one of the kids last week was being very mouthy towards me. I went right to her and told her I do not appreciate the way she is speaking to me. She said she’s just tired. I said I’m very tired as well but we still need to treat each other with kindness and kind words. I literally do everything for her so I will not tolerate disrespect and it would be the same thing if I had kids. No treats. No tv. No screen time. No outings. No friend time. Until she/he learned to treat me with respect.

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Girl, same with my almost 9 year old :roll_eyes:

1st of all u said u don’t want 2 be 2 hard on her…please…she’s disrespectful & at 10 ? U have 2 be hard or it’s just going 2 get alot worse over the years :100:…take her phone & anything else that’s important 2 her & not just 4 a fay or 2…don’t ever give in or she’ll keep being that way because she’ll feel like she’s got the control…don’t let her rule u ur the adult the mom :woman: & the boss not her

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Wow! People suggesting hitting a kid or taking away everything cos they’re a typical smarterse. Top parenting there :roll_eyes: Maybe speak to them, find out why they think it’s OK to speak to you like that. Loom at the adult relationships around you. That’s normally where they learn it from

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Turn that gangsta up a notch

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This whole thread is toxic af wow :flushed:

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Let her be bored. Stop doing things with her.

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This would be easier if we had some understanding of what exactly was she saying for an example,  I have a 12-year-old boy he does not like to clean his room so when he is asked too, he likes to stomp and sigh and mutter under his breath as he walks away! So in return I say if you don’t clean that room I will and trust me I will do it with a trash bag 

Is her bio dad in the picture? Does he badmouth you, to your daughter? Maybe you should check to find out where all of this is coming from.

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She wants to act that way she doesn’t deserve a summer

First of all she should of been the one walking off the court, not you. Talking like that would of resulted in her sitting on the sidelines watching the rest of us have fun.

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It would be helpful if we had examples of what she says. Is she being disrespectful or is she being honest and your feelings are hurt by that .

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Pull a Madea on her! Seriously though, as a parent now I’d be truly embarrassed if my child disrespected me in public for sure! It’d be embarrassing for the both of us, cause I don’t care who’s around, I’ll bust that rear end. He’s 6 and knows better though. Some don’t believe in spanking, I guess we’re old fashioned though! YOU ARE THE MOMMA!! Your house, your rules!

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A swift mouth pop always worked for me as well as my kids… Only took a few. Stopped that shit REAL QUICK. :joy::woman_shrugging:

My kids would NEVERRRRRRR. Cause I showed up crazy ONE time…and that’s all that needed to happen. :rofl::rofl::rofl:

She’s doing it because she knows there’s not much you’ll do about it. She’s not afraid of the consequences. Step up the game and make her believe you. Getting on to her and grounding her isn’t working so it might be time you scare the mess out her with a belt on her back side. Start out asking her what makes her think she can talk to you that way and proceed accordingly.

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What are some examples? I can’t really give advice without knowing some context.

My guess is out of love,you repeat yourself and don’t discipline enough.If she’s doing this disrespectful behaviour at 10yrs old,HOLD ONTO YOUR SEAT BECAUSE 14YRS OLD IS COMING.YOU NEED TO GET A GREEN HICKORY ABOUT A FOOT LONG,TINY, NOT A STICK! STRIPE HER ANKLES WHEN SHE MOUTHS OFF.I bet it stops! Theirs no laws against whipping your kids.Not whipping them makes problems and disrespect for everyone.

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My 13 yr old (girl) tries but knows when to stop. My 12 yr old (boy) tries also but not as much as my daughter. My 9 yr old is now attempting and seems to be trying to out-do the older 2 lol He is learning after a couple remarks, there will be consequences…

I think it’s all a part of the “preteen to teen” phase. Consistency and communication are key to get us Mommas through it! 🫶🏻

My 10 year old is like this aswell . Not only is she cheeky to me but also shouts at her younger siblings wants to be babied. Leaves all her rubbish behind her or shoves it down the sofa eats all the snacks in one day sits on her phone or laptop, attention seeks, had hypochondria, has to be asked over and over again to do something as simple as get changed, refuses to shower. So I am quite hard on her as I expect her to behave a certain way and have manners. Problem is she then goes to her dad’s and says me and her step dad treat her differently to all her other siblings and she doesn’t feel wanted or loved but he believes her and her 15 year old sister who (apparently hates her) has said she thinks I’m too hard on her. Honestly all I want is for her to act her age and take responsibility for her own things . Ie her glasses that she’ll leave on the sofa and then go crazy when her 3 year old brother or 1 year old sister touches them. Clean her dinner plate keep herself clean and tidy and have some respect for others around her. It’s difficult I know.

During my time of raising a daughter she would have wondered what hit her. However, I am too old too care now.

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It’s summer and then it will be Fall. It will be winter and then it will be spring. Being respectful does not have an expiration date. Nip it in the bud now and whatever way you need to or it will continue and get worse as she gets older. I agree on figuring out a way to leave her out of family fun because those kinds of things are privileges not rights.

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Have you tried using your mommy doesn’t put up with that crap voice?

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Just keep silent, walk away, take things away, don’t invite her places, get her a sitter, don’t offer anything up, she can be mouthy but you don’t have to listen. Is she angry at you for some reason? Kids seem to lash out at the one they feel closest to sometimes…but respect still has to be there. SO hard. Mine is a teen and it’s like wth did you say sometimes or the mouthing off. She is hurtful then maybe a reason why? But try silence to start. Not caring as she wants a reaction…

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I got my butt whipped and learned real quick to respect my parents .
Raising children today is a lot harder because you can’t discipline your kids today like I was growing up and that’s why we have the problems we do today with our youth. No respect
Good luck and hopefully you’ll find a solution soon before you pull out all your hair.

So I was mouthy with my mom as a teen… Until the first time I seen her cry because of something I said. I don’t even remember what it was but when I seen how bad I hurt her my heart shattered. I didn’t want to hurt her at all, I was just frustrated and she was the closest person to lash out at. I learned that we can really hurt someone with what we say and that I never wanted to make my mom cry again. Maybe show her how what she says makes you feel instead of walking away and hiding it?

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Good luck , If any of us know we be millionaires!
Obviously what you’re doing is not working, So that needs to be changed she needs discipline in her life

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Read the books with her about how to be a bucket filler or watch the video of the book being read on YouTube together. It describes being a bucket filler and a bucket dipper. After she understands the difference, then reward her for being a bucket filler.

Unfortunately this is why kids today are disrespectful to everyone and everything is everyone else’s fault. Take your Parenting to the next level, consequences are tougher in the real world.

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I’m a mother of 6 kids in a blended family(4 mine, 2his). I try to emphasize empathy to my children. They know that I love them and they know that I trust them, unless they break that trust. I’ll try to make them aware of the fact that how they treat others is a reflection of them and their own character. Not a reflection of the person that they are disrespecting. I try to teach them that how they conduct themselves now is going to be how people see them, and will affect their friends and their family relationships and in the future their jobs.

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Just flat out not put up with it. Demand respect or she does nothing.

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Spanking Spanking Spanking. You spank a kid a few times, they will know not to mess with you and straighten their behavior. My 9year old princess knows I don’t play. Anyway, she hasn’t received a spank in almost 2 years because she knows better.

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So many may not agree with this, but I try to do natural consequences. For example, she’s bring disrespectful and unkind to family members she doesn’t get to be with family members. She sits out, but because she is 10. she may not be home alone, so she goes and sits out while rest of family is having fun and being kind, enjoying time together. So maybe the family goes for ice cream, if she’s been ugly all day, she has to go, but does not participate.

If she’s ugly on the phone, then she looses phone privileges. If she’s ugly at the dinner table, she can eat in her room alone.

The consequence is based on the action. Explain to her that ugly behavior and speech will not be tolerated and accepted and until she can be kind, you don’t want her around/to participate.

Drive home the point that your a family and the most important people to be kind to.

Just my opinion. Every Child is different so it may or may not work.

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My daughters therapist told me ignore ignore ignore. Ignore the behaviors we don’t want. It will get worse before it gets better but when she doesn’t get that attention she will stop

Having raised a daughter , girls are mean. Do not put up with it, do not give up, do your best. It will probably get more challenging as she gets older but it does get easier. You have to pick your battles, do not let her see your defeat, remember you were her age once too. I was onry to my dad and amber and I have had same fights I had with dad. My coping mechanism was finding humor in everything secretly. I paid for my raising.

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I match energies with my teenagers.

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Tough love. If time out and removing favorites don’t work look into spanking. It’s not easy but sometimes necessary.
No more than 3 pops on the bottom. Then send her to her room. Remove all activities. Only leave dresser and bed. She must earn back her things. If you don’t put your foot down on this she will continue to put her foot down on you. Never back down or give in. She will know you can be won. Teach her Mom. Pray with her as well and ask her why she feels this way. There’s always a reason for everything. God bless.

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You need to put rules in place and enforce them and let her know that her mouth will not be tolerated period and there are consequences for it then follow through and stick to the punishment this is all on you if put up with it it will continue

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It’s time to take that leather belt off and start whooping that as s and show her who’s boss.

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Smack her hind end and when you are out enjoying summer find a really strict babysitter for her

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You need to give her a warning and then apply the paddle to her bottom. Let her know why you’re doing this!!!

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As much as it sucks, kids tend to lash out at the people they are most comfortable and safe with. I know it sounds dumb, but maybe there’s more going on then meets the eye. 10 is a hard age, middle schoolers are mean and her body is raging with hormones. In my opinion, when she starts talking to you like that, I would call her out on it. Say something along the lines of, “I love you and if you need to talk to me about something, I’m here, but I will not listen to you disrespect or treat me unkindly when I did nothing to you.” And then walk away. You don’t deserve to be treated that way and you do not have to put up with it. Everytime she does it, say the same thing and walk away if she continues. She’s getting old enough to understand her words can hurt

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Oh Hell No! Growing up Latina, Things are handled a bit differently. We get our booty whooped! See if we did it again… lol… nope I didn’t. :grin: I love my momma so much, I’m glad she thought me right from wrong an to grow up to be a strong women an not a spoiled brat!

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You better nip it in the bud