My 14-year-old keeps acting out and I don't know what to do

Am I a bad mom? Our 14 year old keeps acting out, lying and stealing stuff. We have grounded her from her phone multiple times and we keep finding her with it again and again. Anytime she sees friends she lies and always gets caught with phones or vapes which she definitely shouldn’t have. She wanted to have a sleepover and I told her no. Because of the way she has been acting and not listening and we can’t trust her. I told her she needs to earn mine and her dads trust back and she told me that it’s stupid. But I told her no sleepovers or anything till she learns. But apparently it’s stupid and I need to not punish her? I’m at a loss.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. My 14-year-old keeps acting out and I don't know what to do - Mamas Uncut

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Shit wouldn’t get a thing from me. Id take everything out of her room. Sheets and blankets too

Welcome to the teenage years……

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Take everything lock it up she can sit at the table or her room with a mattress light and book until she earns everything back

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Manual labor put mine in their places

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I know I’m in the minority, but take absolutely everything from her and make her earn it back. I’d even take the door off the hinges of her room.

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No you definitely should punish her and my daughter will never be too old for me to bend her over my knee and spank her if she’s acting a fool. Hell no.

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You need to watch her at all times, lock up that phone in the car or at work… they are always trying to out think you

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You both need to sit down with her and talk see what’s going on in her life

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Your doing the right thing mama! They say If your kid doesn’t hate you at some point your doing it wrong…

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I think you should probably just sit in your car and scream for about 10 minutes then start the car go get ice cream and sobb while eating it. Then go home take some melatonin and go to bed and repeat this for like the next 6 years.

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shut her phone off temporarily or created a password on it. I’d say no sleepover and add some extra chores so she can’t say she’s bored. and no allowance. tough love is the best love in the end

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Why not have her have a sleep over. She’ll be in your house and you can watch things. There are many things to do but the question is are you consistent with the rules or do you waffle? Professional help can help too.

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I’m petty when my 13 year old son likes to be a jerk (doesn’t vape tho) just mouthy and disrespectful I take his phone and answer all of his calls and tell everyone he is grounded :joy::joy::joy: he hates it and I tell them what he is grounded for! His attitude for the most part improved!

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A chancla to that bottom and shut her phone off all the way after that seek therapy for her

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Take everything away. Give her a bed, food, and a place to shower. Seek family counseling, and have her start working around the house (helping with house chores) maybe call your local police department and ask them to talk with her and point out the road she is on will only lead to trouble.
I hate to ask but was she sexually assaulted? Sometimes girls act that way if something has happened. Not saying you or your husband, maybe someone at school….I don’t know, this behavior could be a cry for help or attention.

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When u take things from her as punishment lock it up that way she won’t keep getting it…ground her & don’t let her see these friends u have 2 b really firm & Consistent

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Teenagers :roll_eyes: I know I personally was a hellion and it was nothing my parents did or didn’t do. I remember being grounded on my 13th bday cuz I had been caught sneaking out.
The vape thing, unfortunately, she’s gonna do regardless :woman_shrugging:t2:
But I agree with striping her down to bare essentials and showing her how hard life actually can be.
Honestly, I think my parents were too easy on me sometimes with some of the shit I pulled :sweat_smile:

If you find her with her phone again give her a hammer and make her break it them work to earn it back. She would have nothing but bed n 4 walls till she earned it back I was raised that way and learned the only way to get what I want is to work for it

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Let the teenage years begin!

When you ground her from her phone, take it away and keep it with you.

But that’s not the core issue. Something is up. I highly recommend family counseling and individual counseling for her.

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Family counseling. Turn her service off to the phone and lock the actual phone up somewhere or place it at someone’s house you trust to hang on to until you can trust her with it again. No friends unless supervised. No friends over. Just home and school until she fixes her attitude. My kids didn’t even get phones until 15/16 and they were limited plans with very limited wifi/phone access. Teenagers don’t all act like this so I would be asking what changed or why the behavior is different/when it started. If you recently had changes in your family, loss, divorce, family disruption, etc she could be having a hard time adjusting and may just need professional help to resolve her feelings. You could also enlist the help of the school counselor if her behavior extends to school.

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Sounds normal… but try to stay calm. She’s young. Experimenting and just trying to figure out who she is…keep reminding her that you understand she wants to feel grown up, but she’s currently stuck in the middle of being a child and an adult

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Definitely the age! Take the phone and lock it away! My daughter didn’t have hers for months and her attitude completely changed. Your daughter is testing you and she will keep doing it! Keep steady and hold the line! No sleepovers or phone for months! It’s hard but keep the punishment constant and don’t let her play you both!

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Nip it NOW! Your house- your rules. Counselor.

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She’s old enough to have the attitude and behavior disciplined out of her. :woman_shrugging::woman_facepalming:

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Honestly when I was growing up with me it was a deeper issue. My parents sat me down and talked to me about why I was acting out. I ended up needing therapy bc I needed to have a routine. I also had severe impulse control issues due to my ADD/ADHD/manic depression and anxiety and was put on medication to help, and it really actually helped. I got through my teen years easier as well seeing a therapist until my mom died a year later and absolutely lost my shit. BUT my point is TALK TO YOUR CHILD THEY JUST WANT TO BE HEARD.

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Ngl I’ve been your child lol and you really need to ask her what’s going on and why she’s doing the things she does. She might need a therapist. If she doesn’t get actual help she might need she might just keep doing it and your just going to keep punishing until she ends up hating you. Don’t remove doors that’s an invasion of privacy. Taking their phone is fine but obviously they keep getting it back or they’ll eventually get ones from their friends to have extras. (that’s what I ended up doing) they will always find a way. So definitely sit her down and have a deep heart to heart conversation without showing anger towards her and be sympathetic.

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Pull out her sim card and take her off your phone account

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It could be mental health issues or something going on at school. I was a hard teen to handle, turns out I had undiagnosed mental health issues causing me to act out but without knowing I had them, no one including myself could acknowledge them and help me cope

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When my 14 yr old is being a disrespectful shit. I take away his ohone and the controllers for all his game systems, and I lock them in a mini pass coded safe I bought at Walmart… and I change the code to something different everytime. He hates it, but they need to learn…

Ummmm… what’s the question?.. you did what you said you did then that’s that… end of story!!!.. kids need to learn that respect is a 2 way street. We don’t owe them anything but food, clothing, shelter, and safety… and to be fair… do you think the way she is acting is okay… obviously not… otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation… stick to your guns

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If you take her phone how does she keep ending up with it again? Why are you not removing it from the house entirely to where she cannot find it?? Everything else is fairly normal for a teenager besides the vaping. But if you keep taking her cellphone away but then she keeps finding it and taking it back that’s on you

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Something maybe troubling her and this is her way of dealing with it. If it continues I’d keep the phone with you or cut it off and change the WiFi password so she can’t use it just for that. Is all that fails destroy the phone or give it away. Till she earns it back. I’d get her some help for the lies and stealing so you can nip that in the bud fast or it will only get worse. Be very firm with her and don’t back down as she will play on this.

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14 year old girls are mouthy…(have 3 girls) stick to your guns! They all thought the rules were stupid…:woman_shrugging:t3:they are 17, and 21x2 now…they don’t still think that lol
Now, they are like my best friends…I’ll still be mom FIRST though…and they know it!

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Keep taking away and punish her. She’ll get sick of it after awhile and do what she has to. Be firm and consistent.
I’m a mom to 5 girls. 32-17. I have only had to slap one of them only once. I have been real lucky thank God.

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Lmao omg people are so scared to smack their kids these days …ya take her phone cause clearly that’s working! No take ur damn belt off and give her a good smack that’ll do it lol…who’s the parent here?

Watch her friends, social media accounts, and the music she listens to. Talk talk talk to her not at her spend quality time even if some friends are invited to hangout but be more involved with her most importantly be the parent not the friend and buckle up get ready for the ride welcome to the teenage (asshole) years​:pleading_face::cry::pensive::rofl:

keep tough don’t give in you are the parent and in control

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So those time outs didn’t work huh?

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She needs to be loved differently. Hard to explain. But she needs yous more. It’s a tough tough stage. Taking things away will only make her rebel more. Discuss things with her when either of you aren’t angry. Explain why you feel certain ways about things, don’t point fingers, ask questions of why the situations are happening and how she truly expects you to react to them… she older but not grown. Guidance is key. Good luck. I promise you’ll need it!

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Whoop her ass. She’ll eventually learn her lesson.

Passive parenting, you reap what you sow

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The consequences seem right but also ask her if there’s a specific reason she’s doing these things, have an open judgement free conversation about what’s going on with her (but try not to pry too much), keeping quiet after a brief question tends to yield more information :slightly_smiling_face:, don’t interrupt her, let her get whatever she needs to off her chest and then go from there! Good on you for reaching out!

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As a mother of 6 girls…. This isn’t entirely unusual behavior. Something has got to be bothering her to the point she can’t properly express herself an instead acts out. You need to have a sit down with her and just have a real conversation with her. Listen to what she is saying to you and her reasoning for doing what she has been. In doing that you will have your answers. From my experience with my girls it generally has to do with a so called “friend” or “frienemy”. Basically a bully. It tends to be the rebellious phase but it’s influenced by all sorts of variables and they aren’t always good ones. But if you have a conversation with her you may find out what is going on with her and you maybe surprised as to how much it helps her as well. I have a 21 y/o who rents her own home an works in elderly care full time. I have a 20y/o who works as a hostess and is in college. I have a 19y/o who has her own apartment and works with special needs adults an is finishing up her high school years as well. She had some trouble with being assaulted by someone we thought we could trust with our kids and then she was assaulted by another girl in school so we removed her from school and home schooled her. I have a 15y/o who is incredibly annoying but so so so smart and is preparing to skip a grade. I have one angel baby. I have a 12y/o who has cerebral palsy and has been on the honor roll all year this year.

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Strip her of everything and make her earn it back

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Currently having the cell phone issue too with my 15 year old. She got bad grades. Doesn’t deserve ro have her phone :woman_shrugging:t2: when you do better you’ll get it back. Put the phone somewhere where she can’t find it. Don’t get her leave the house alone if she keeps getting vapes.

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Hold your ground. You absolutely have to set boundaries now or it will get much worse.

Hang in there mama, your doing it right.

You gotta be tough. Whatever you threaten…follow through. If you say a week than a week it is. They figure it out real quick if you will weaken. Take her privileges away until she earns them back and don’t make it easy. But also choose your battles and try to get her to talk about what’s going on. Positive reactions when she does something right even if you have to really look for the good things. Focus on the right things and maybe she will like the good attention.

Don’t take parenting advice from a teenager. She is old enough to start experiencing the consequence of her choices. Let her.

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No teenager thinks they need to be punished. Put a pass code on that phone that she can’t guess. Throw the damned thing away because obviously she doesn’t deserve it. You’re letting her act that way. If she’s grounded why is she able to see her friends? You’re not tea her her anything other than she can do what she wants. I wouldn’t let her leave the house without you/other parent figures. For real.

Find a counselor that deals with obstinance and rebellion and teen at risk
I can tell you it will be hard and it might get worse before better but… do not give in stick to boundaries and rules
Sometimes it’s a issue and sometimes it’s hormones even a chemical imbalance

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Break her phone infront of her. That’s what my husband’s grandpa did to him one time when he bought him a phone and then found out he lied to him and boy it worked he straightened up his attitude. Ground her take everything technology related away and out of her room. Tell her when she starts straightening up her attitude then you guys can take about her earning her stiff back. Tell her if she wants to act disrespectful then she doesn’t get fun things like phones and tv’s and going out with friends. Those things are earned not handed out just because she is a kid. What she is stealing take her and make her go return it and apologize.

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Kick her out :joy::joy::joy: you wanna be grown lol byyye

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Teenagers are rough and their attitude is off the charts…They are not going to like any punishment you give but stick to it.Let her know it can always get worse and if it continues then make the punishment worse.Like shut the phone off completely.Take all electronics away.She will see you weren’t playing and you meant what you said.Thats a hard age they think they know it all and want to be grown but like I tell my kids even being grown we have tons of responsibility and we can’t do whatever we want without punishment either.Your doing what a parent is supposed to do but let her know it’s out of love.You are helping her by giving her consequences and holding her accountable so don’t feel bad.You want her to grow up into a smart,loving, respectful, independent woman who will help her community.Kids just don’t see it yet but tell her that’s why you do all you do you love her that much that your willing to go through it every day with her because you love her that much.

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Have you tried sitting her down and talking to her, asking if anything is going on that’s troubling her?

If there really isnt that’s pretty normal behavior for a teen, they want to be adults and do whatever they want and aren’t gonna like when they can’t do it. So they start lying, being disrespectful, etc. They WILL ALWAYS find a way. Try getting her to open up to you… Maybe plan some things to do together while she is grounded see if that’s connects you closer. Maybe remind her your a team, you and her against the problem. Not against each other…

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Better sit that child down and have a long discussion with her. Something is definitely going on with her she is acting out. When you punish her stick to it.

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I would definitely start having those conversations with her on what’s really going on maybe talk with her Dr about her behaviors as well. This is definitely the age where you and dad want to start having more of those open conversations. I’ve had alot of these same issues with my oldest he’s now almost 18. Being a teen is hard and their really learning their place in this world learning who they are and who their becoming. If talking face to face is hard for her start a communication journal and make it where you her and dad can write in it or have one for u and her and her and dad but write in it on how you’re feeling write positive things really anything but take time each week where you can talk about things that were written u can say how your feeling she can add how she’s feeling and this also leaves open communication. The biggest thing with this is it can’t be used to ground her because you want a way for her to be able to be honest and open with you both with out the risk of punishment. Trust me mama teens are hard and you’re doing an amazing job and it never hurts to ask other mama’s for advice cuz we’re all on the same hormonal slide we call teen years…

My daddy woulda whooped me and he did…I’m not saying that’s the solution but maybe some harsher punishment I’ve see parents turn their kids room in to tiny jail cells :woman_shrugging:t3:

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Hold your ground.
With the phone, take the SIM card out n change your internet password, so if she takes it back it’s fairly useless anyways.

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Manual labor to earn everything back. Make her sit in a bare room

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I’d also suggest a drug test. I was trying hard drugs at that age unfortunately

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I’m going through it too my daughter is super boy crazy and I’m over it I take her phone all the time and it’s no help she lies about stupid stuff I’m at my breaking point I’m really thinking about sending her off too her dad

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We have a 13 year old acting out aswell but I think it’s just the stages of growing up

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Threaten military school.

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All I can think about with these posts is how strict the parents may or may not be, we don’t have inside information on stuff like that, my parents were ridiculously strict with me & very conservative, (I wasn’t allowed to do laundry/dishes/chores cause dad was so OCD, never got a sex or drugs talk, Cartoon Network was blocked on my tv till I was 18, if I had seen a friend once that week then that was enough & I needed to stay inside the rest of the week, wasn’t allowed to get a job, my dad counted my calories & I couldn’t just pick what I wanted to eat, they screened the music Id download on my mp3, so on) they hid me from the real world basically so I grew up fighting to be apart of it, by lying & stealing & sneaking & eventually my parents gave up on me cause they never stopped being so strict & I never stopped fighting for freedom, now we have next to no relationship with each other & I’ve lived out of their house since I was 18 (25 now) in my opinion, and I’m not saying that it’s the case here but simply that we don’t know, but parents don’t do enough stopping & thinking about how you have to let your child have freedom & think about how strict you may be being, cause I can assure you I’m a walking talking rebellious product of a strict household who thought I was the problem & never that they might be the problem, just adding some perspective💁🏼‍♀️

I have a 14 year old girl turning 15 in August and all I have to say is HOLY FKN SHIT I’m barely holding sanity some days :woman_facepalming:t3: Like a walking after school special. Her wardrobe is back and forth - same with her music and mood. Just trying to keep her on track and have us not kill each other in the process. From one teenage girl mom to another, all I can say is I feel your pain (not with the stealing part thank goodness) and good luck! I try to reason with her and explain my stances on everything instead of dictating and saying “because I said so” - it seems to work better but boy is she ever stubborn and trying to fit in everywhere right now :woman_facepalming:t3: keep your head up! :four_leaf_clover:

Have you ever seen the parents who strip the rooms bare, take the door off and they just have a bed and a desk? This might be the time where you try this and get a safe to lock that phone up. Kind of like the above comment with smashing it though I get they’re a lot of money. Time to get harsh.

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Nope she has to know when she does. Something wrong there are consequences

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Find her a part time job to keep her busy, and teach her responsibility.

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Never too late to whoop that a$$ if you ask me :sob: but hey :woman_shrugging:t6:

Lock the phone up and turn it off… she’s young enough you should be able to kick it in the ass… I have 2 14 yr olds and never have had issues yet BUT I started early with everything you get is extra and earned…good luck mama

Make her work or do volunteer work. Take everything and make her buy it back. If she’s paying with money put it into an account for when she’s older.
I hate when people say that disrespectful behavior is normal for teens. It’s not. It’s only normal if you have no boundaries and put up with it.

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Honestly it’s the age. It’s completely normal for teens to rebel. Like it honestly has something to do with brain development at that age. It’s another mile stone for them to overcome and the most important thing is that you stay there for her. Don’t accept her bad behaviour but when you discipline her explain that you notice some changes in her and you still love her and are there to talk too if needed no matter what.

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Stand your ground for a week, a month, a year, whatever it takes, but don’t do it out of anger.

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You aren’t a bad mom. Kids are going to turn into their own people with their own ideas and thoughts and teenagers think they know everything and that you are lame and dumb plus you are not fun because you set rules and boundaries. Which is exactly right and what GOOD parents do. Follow through on consequences and if these friends have parents see what their deal is are they enablers because they don’t want to parent or don’t care because they have their own issues. It’s nice if everybody can be on the same page but that doesn’t always happen. It sounds like you are doing the right thing and if things don’t change or improve try family counseling . Good luck.

During the teenage years, the area of the brain called the prefrontal cortex is developing. This is the part of your brain that is behind your forehead. It’s your thinking cap and judgment center, Elkind explains, which means kids can now develop their own ideals and ideas.

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No matter how hard she makes it stand your ground. She needs to understand rules. My daughter did this around the same age. We said what we meant & stuck to our word. We did not threaten to take things away. We did it

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Nope. You 100% need to punish her and cut off her cellphone. Shut it off. And take away TV, computer, friends, all of it. She doesn’t deserve anything acting out. Privileges are earned, not a given. She feels entitled to it but until she pays her own bills and lives in her own home, she follows your rules.

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I feel, with my children, the nicer I am the more they walk all over me. The more mean and strict I get the act nicer and listen better. I always say I have to be a bitch for y’all to listen lol. I hate being like that but it’s effective with my boys :roll_eyes:

Is there something going on with her that maybe she needs to talk to you about rather then acting out like this? As a kid I was angry and I got into a lot of trouble and it was all because of some trauma I didn’t know how to handle and I had no one to talk to I’m not implying anything and I’m certainly not condoning her behavior just thought maybe there might be more to her story

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we always encourage them to have friends over at least they would be home

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I called.yhe.police on my 13.yo.He.read.her.the.riot.act.she.stopped.for.a.while.1.more
.time.and.I will call again.Ive
Told.her.everythimg the.police tell her.now.she.knows.I mean what I say

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I’d say try reverse psychology on her.
My brother use to miss curfew and got caught stealing a few times.
My dad let him see how it felt to have something taken from you by giving him his allowance and going back and steal it at any time.
Then when he was more than five minutes late for curfew my dad would say go back where you came from and don’t come back before 4am
Well it was cold outside and he couldn’t go to his friends houses.

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You have to understand it is the company she keeps, her type of friends…My daughter started this at 15 and got worse as time went on…all of her friends were like this except for one friend who would not join in as she had too much respect for her Mom as it had been just her Mom and herself since she was a baby. They were very close and would very swear in front of her and if my daughter was smart she should have just stuck with her. She could talk my husband into anything like letting her stay out late at night even though I fought so hard against this I just got the shut-ups not for you to decide. My daughter had taken over the house. My husband even went to bars with her and her friends, sigh. She was 6’3 at the time and wore makeup just right to look way older than 18 it was very easy for her to get in and her friends knew how to apply makeup also just right and got in and were served drinks all night at 15 and it made me sick to my stomach I lost control of her :slightly_frowning_face: And when I found out from getting serious tests my walking abilities were bad due to my back being so damaged from herniated discs and Osteoporosis that were going to get worse in the future he out of the blue wanted a divorce and me out of the house because of all of my falls I was upsetting my daughter. So he found a very small Apt. at the end of the street, a low rental where he was to pay as I could not work and I sure did try but got let go every time…:frowning: My daughter wanted me out so she didn’t have to do chores her dad could do them all. I was never invited to her grad or help pick out her dress…My son was lucky to move out at 16 with his then-girlfriend to escape his sister, she was like the devil I swear. She got everything she wanted from her dad and her taste was very expensive including a car, brand new…He did have a very well paying job and our house was paid off, but after a year and a half he stopped paying my rent and I had to move the play I finally made friends in and got used to into a horrible part of the city, all I could afford from savings and 9 years forward have not seen my kids in 9 years and still separated and my husband still owes me half the house and half his pension, I am afraid of him because he has bipolar he never took great care of but I am living in a poor state, no money…don’t let your child get this far :frowning:

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She’s attention seeking in the most negative way possible. I suggest family counseling to get help finding out why she’s lashing out and how to communicate better with her. There’s something stuck in her craw that you need to get to the heart of. A therapist will help her open up to you and your husband to resolve the conflicts.

We don’t even use the word stupid in our house to each other because it’s hurtful language.

I wonder if there is community service or some yard work that needs done. If she’s stealing from y’all perhaps talk to her or have an officer talk to her about what would happen if she’s caught stealing elsewhere…

Turn the damn phone off if taking it doesn’t keep it gone.

If she thinks it’s so stupid how about some really stupid work ?
My 12yo since he was 10 if he doesn’t lose his attitude he gets handed a shovel and gets to dig til his attitude is better then he gets to bury his attitude in the hole and fill the hole back up.

Move these heavy things over there …why because I said so… Oh you’re done ? Okay…move them back now.

Talk about it’s stupid …can really show them stupid…

She needs wake up call

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Friends only at home in one room ur choice so U can watch her

I disagree with taking technology like phones, iPads ect, we’re living in a time where u need a phone especially if in a dangerous situation and iPads and computers are used for school work, but maybe it’s time to have a talk with her and find out why she’s acting out, sometimes teenagers need more the friendly approach sometimes or they will continue to rebel, teenagers are learning about making life decisions and when ur so strict they rebel more, maybe show understanding and she might change her behaviour

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You may have to get a little tougher yet. If she gets her phone back somehow when you take it away, have that line shut off for awhile. If you catch her with vapes, take away her music. Radio, stereo, however she plays it. Lock the unit in the trunk of your car and sleep with your keys in your pillowcase. Refuse to let her hang out with her friends if they trigger her behavior. No sleepovers until she gets her attitude together. Let her start earning things back. She can have her music back when you stop finding vapes. Maybe she can watch a little TV when she doesn’t get caught in a lie for 24 hours. If she starts making new friends, and you meet them, find out they seem to be decent kids, you’ll talk about having them over for a couple of hours. But as long as things continue as they have been… or she backslides on improvements, privileges she got back will disappear again.

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I disagree with taking technology like phones, iPads ect, we’re living in a time where u need a phone especially if in a dangerous situation and iPads and computers are used for school work, but maybe it’s time to have a talk with her and find out why she’s acting out, sometimes teenagers need more the friendly approach sometimes or they will continue to rebel, teenagers are learning about making life decisions and when ur so strict they rebel more, maybe show understanding and she might change her behaviour

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I would let her have a sleepover bc she’s gonna be at home. The worse punishment is gonna make her sneakier and lie more. She’s attention seeking so Maybe take her out just you and her and dad and spend time doing things and talking and figure out why she’s doing it

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Get to the bottom of what started this. Something bad happened. Find out what, or who.

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Hang in there~ stay strong and pick your battles. Try to realize sometimes she’s just trying to push your buttons and stay on top of the rules with her. These fazes pass.

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Testing you. I’m sure it’s School kids influenced as well. But the more you cave, the worse it will be. Next, honestly if it’s getting out of control, call the cops on her and her friends. They will not find it funny when there’s a bigger consequence then yours. My mother did it to me and my brothers when we were very disobedient. We tried my mother to no end. Well her response is well there’s always someone bigger you will have to answer to. And seeing we were young, ya not too much pending the situation was going to happen, so. Authority it was if we weren’t going to listen to hers. It’s better to nip it in the back now before it gets to bad and worse can and will happen to her.

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Get her working after school. Give her a purpose. Take her phone cancel the number what ever you have to do. Tell her to work for another phone. They do try us at times.

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It is called no phone no friends school and home no sleepover. More chores sore ass she might change her ways